This Turkish Princess Gets a Little Salty

Somebody was kind enough to actually translate a story from Turkish
just so I could ruin it on my website
it’s from Turkey
and it is about REVENGE

Okay so there’s this sultan
he has three daughters
and he is very insecure
so he calls all his daughters in
and he’s like “Hey daughters, pop quiz:
(get it because I am your father)
how much do you love me?
answer using hyperbolic comparisons please”

So the first daughter is like “I love you as much as the whole world”
which is objectively false
because that would have to mean that she has absolutely zero love
for anything in the world that is not her father
but it sure makes the sultan happy.
The second daughter is like “I love you more than my mom’s womb”
which is not a great answer
because she only spent nine months up in there
before violently busting out.
But then the third daughter tops both of them
by being like “I love you as much as SALT”
and her dad is like “WHAT???
What a shitty answer
for that shitty answer
I will now have you killed”
And the third daughter is like “wait what?”

But it’s too late
now she’s getting dragged up onto a hill by an executioner
and he’s like “Yeah sorry I have to kill you
you seem cool
what did you even do?”
and she’s like “I said I loved my dad as much as salt”
and the executioner is like “seriously?
I mean okay, that’s a weird thing to say
but I’m not sure it merits an execution?????
No fuck this
just give me your shirt
I’m going to smear a wild beast’s blood all over it
and give it to your dad
he won’t bother to fact check, he’s a busy man
you go do you, princess.”

So the princess goes walking down the road
topless and weeping
which is why when she arrives at the next town
some rich dude immediately gives her a job as a house servant
where she works until she grows up and becomes extremely pretty
at which point some random prince sees her
and they get married because that’s how shit goes

So she’s worked her way back up to princess status
and she’s hanging out with her royal husband
and she’s like “did I ever tell you about my dad?”
and the prince is like “no what about him?”
and she’s like “Oh nothing big
he just ordered me executed because I compared him to salt.”
and the prince is like “lol what
i mean that IS a really weird thing for you to have said
who put this guy in charge of a country!
Dude, you know what we should do?
We should prank him.”
and the princess is like “way ahead of you.”

See, she’s already invited her dad to come have dinner at the palace
but he doesn’t know who she is, obviously
and before he arrives, the princess
(now a sultana actually)
goes to her cook and she’s like “okay here’s the menu
I want everything to be delicious
and the cook is like “What the fuck
you might as well ask me to cook without hands”
and the sultana is like “do you usually put severed hands in the food”
and he’s like “that’s not what I meant”
and she’s like “THEN GET TO WORK”

so big daddy sultan shows up to his secret daughter’s palace
and he sits down for dinner
and all this delicious looking food comes out on gold platters and shit
but it all tastes like hot garbage
he can’t finish a damn thing
and this is when the sultana stands up at the other end of the table
and reveals
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
that she was actually his daughter
and that this shitty meal proves how important salt is
and the sultan feels like a real dick for ordering her execution
and they make up sort of
but he probably doesn’t come over for dinner much after that
because the food wasn’t very good
and also because he still fucking tried to have her killed
you don’t just get to say sorry and put that behind you.

Anyway the moral of the story
is seriously fuck people who don’t salt their food
one time I was at a party and I met this asshole
who was like “real cooks don’t use salt”
and I was like “I’ve got a prime unsalted knuckle sandwich right here for you
and when I’m done tenderizing your face
we’ll see how you like salt IN YOUR WOUNDS
“real cooks”?
“real cooks” are the reason you can buy 36 pounds of salt in bulk
basically what I’m saying
is fuck that one guy I met at a party that one time
actually he was pretty cool for the most part
I just disagreed with him about this one thing

still though