Hey guys
i did the odyssey
on video
all of it

now i am going to ask you guys
to reach back into your collective memories
and ask yourselves

“What bizarre cosmic event
or happy coincidence
lead this shirtless guy
to record this sweet epic myth for the internets?”

well guys
the answer is simple
i did it for money

if you will recall
about a week ago
some kind soul donated
TWENTY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS
through that donation button
on the right side of the blog

and as very few of you probably remember
i promised
when i put that donation button there
that every time i got a total of 20 dollars donated to me
no matter how many people donated it
i was gonna do something epic as a thank you
this right here
is the kind of epic shit i am talking about

but lest you think i am some kind
of very educational whore
i need to tell you guys
what this money is going towards

see i am about to embark
on a months-long cross-country road trip
and in order to keep updating this blog
on the ambitious schedule i have been keeping
i need to buy one of those wireless broadband dealies
that let me access the internet from anywhere
for a monthly fee
and actually
it would be super sweet
if i could also buy a little solar panel
to put on top of my car
to power my laptop
because my cigarette lighter doesn’t work
plus ultimately I would like to get a website
somewhere other than blogspot
and make it nice
settle down, you know?
but look
anyway
the point is

if everybody who follows this blog
just gave me a dollar
I would be contractually obligated
to retell the iliad on video
skipping all the boring parts
plus it would probably cover a couple months
of on-the-road internet shenanigans
and then I’d be just ten more dollars away
from having to retell selections from Ovid’s
EROTIC POEMS
on video
and so on
you get where i am going with this

alternately
you could all just blackmail google
into paying me the 45 dollars they owe me

anyway here’s the thrilling conclusion of
THE ODYSSEY

PS: Here’s a fun game you can play
go back through all 7 episodes
and try and figure out when i am wearing pants
and when i am not

Hey guys
this just in
google is a piece of shit
an unrepentant piece of shit
so i’m sure you’ve heard about google and verizon’s plan to skullfuck net neutrality
and you’ve already heard me talk about how google adsense
is the shittiest way to make money
ON THE WHOLE INTERNET
but it turns out
it is also the shittiest way to advertise
IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

for example
last week
i did a google search for a weatherproof bag
with straps to let me attach it to the roof of my car
since then
EVERY SINGLE TIME I VISIT THIS WEBSITE
I HAVE SEEN THE SAME FUCKING AD
FOR HARD-BODIED CAR ROOF STORAGE CONTAINERS
HEY GOOGLE
GUESS WHAT
NOT ONLY IS THAT SUPER CREEPY
BUT I BOUGHT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WHEN I FUCKING SEARCHED FOR IT
A WEEK AGO
I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW
ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS SEARCHING FOR A SOFT-BODIED BAG
NOT ONE OF THESE ROBOT TURD LOOKING MOTHERFUCKERS
IF YOU ARE GOING TO ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME
AT LEAST ANNOY ME ACCURATELY

so anyway
given that i know firsthand
how utterly worthless their entire system is
this happens:

so today i get home and i get my mail
and i find that I have a letter from google
or rather
ADSENSE PUBLISHER has a letter from google
guys
i gave you my fucking name when i signed up
did you lose it
anyway my first reaction is to go SWEET BEANS
GOOGLE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART AND SENT ME REAL CASH MONEY
INSTEAD OF HOARDING IT IN THEIR FUCKING MONEYPIT
FOREVER AND EVER
WHILE PRETENDING THAT PAYDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

so i rip open the envelope
and my jaw drops open
because i see the number 100
followed by a dollar sign
but then my jaw abruptly shoots closed
because the number
is attached to a fucking GIFT CARD
which may be used
to purchase GOOGLE ADSENSE ADS
finally i can claim the coveted ad space on the right side of a google search page that no one ever looks at or clicks on
i read the attached form letter
to learn that google is rewarding my loyal patronage
with this unbelievably FREE ADVERTISING CREDIT
so i think well shit
this is pretty worthless
but it’s free
might as well use it
so i go upstairs and i sign onto their internet bullshit machine
and i go through the process of making an account
giving them my address AGAIN
designing an ad
and i get to the part about how much i am willing to pay per click
and i notice
that while it is possible for me to specify a maximum payout PER DAY
i cannot specify a maximum TOTAL payout
and that in order to activate my ads
i need to give google my credit card info
so that they can start charging me real dollars as soon as their fake ones run out
and then i scroll down the page
to the very bottom
and i see the following
extremely upsetting words:
Note that you’ll be charged a $5.00 activation fee with your first payment.

GOOGLE
HEY
I HAVE A QUESTION:
HOW IS IT COST EFFECTIVE FOR ME TO SEND YOU FIVE DOLLARS
WHEN IT IS NOT COST EFFECTIVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME MY FORTY FIVE DOLLARS
and yet still i wondered how google could afford
to give me a hundred dollar gift card to their ad service
how the fuck do they make a profit?
is it possible that NO ONE is making money off of google ads?
that it is some kind of pit of sarlaag
digesting your money for thousands of years
never coughing up dividends?

well the answer is no
the money google gave me was imaginary money
it is money google will put into the accounts of publishers like me
penny by penny
and never actually have to pay to anyone
because of the ludicrous minimum payment standard
and all of the REAL money advertisers are paying?
30 cents per click or whatever?
well it goes into the accounts of publishers too
but google
being the magnanimous caretaker it is
holds onto it for us
until it is a large enough sum
for them to cancel our accounts for click fraud
and keep it forever

so i guess what I’m saying
is don’t promote your website on google ads
it is basically like pissing into your own mouth

but I am going to keep running google ads on my site
until they cancel my account or I get a check
no matter how hopeless it seems
because some day
in some far off future full of flying cars
and deadly laser pistols
and bipedal cows
google will finally be forced
to pay me a hundred dollars

oh by the way I made a video

keep clicking those links, ladies

Man i don’t know what the fuck is up
with the lighting
in my room
it was fine in the first two videos
but then i guess in between the first two
and the last three
it got an PhD
in PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with this shit

YOU decide.

THINK AGAIN

BY THE WAY THAT LAST MYTH WAS THE 69TH POST ON THIS BLOG
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I LET THAT GO BY UNANNOUNCED
FUCK GUYS
SHIT DAMN

Guys
for like ten minutes
hindi translation was enabled for this blog
and then i started trying to type this post
and everything was turning into scribbles
and i was like what is this
and then i realized it was hindi
and i couldn’t stop it
no matter how hard I tried
so with sincere apologies to my hindi-speaking audience
hindi transliteration is now canceled

anyway here is the next installment
of the odyssey
to fill all your faceholes
with loud
hard
EDUCATION

You can thank me when you are finished hot-gluing your face back on

Yes indeed kids and pedophiles
time for the second
and slightly longer installment
of the odyssey
faithfully translated from the original greek
into VIDEO WORDSAUCE FOR YOUR EARFACE

now i forgot to rewarn you guys yesterday
but my sources tell me that several people
have suffered face-related injuries
as a result of that last post
so please
for the children
hold on tight

is your face still there?
Blink twice for no.

It’s happening guys
Myths retold is about to bring you
the first faithful translation
of Homer’s Odyssey
IN VIDEOVISION

but because i know you guys
and i know how you don’t have attention spans
I’m posting this shit five minutes at a time
it will probably take six days
in fact what i’m going to do
is every day i’m NOT posting a regular myth
(Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday)
I will post part of this video extravaganza

so without further ado
THIS THING:

And no, I’m not wearing anything under that hat.