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once upon a time there is this this king called Cymbeline
he is the king of England
his name is stupid
and he has an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED FAMILY
let me break it down for you
his wife is dead
he has a new wife named Evil von Bitchtits
(actually Shakespeare doesn’t give her a name
but this one is pretty on point so don’t worry about it)
and Evil von Bitchtits has a shitty son named Clotten
meanwhile Cymbeline also has a real daughter named Innogen
which i think maybe is just a misspelling of Imogen
which is an actual name
then again that would be the only real name in this play so maybe not
especially considering that Cymbeline also has an ADOPTED son
whose name is POSTHUMUS LEONATUS
because his mom died in childbirth
and that is something that he will never be able to live down b/c it’s in his name
okay I think that about covers all the background
OH NO WAIT

so Evil Queen Lady wants Clotten to marry Innogen
because Innogen is heir to the throne
because Cymbeline’s two sons were stolen twenty years ago
and nobody knows what happened to them
WHICH I AM SURE WILL NOT BECOME RELEVANT LATER ON
but Innogen wants nothing to do with Clotten
because first of all Clotten is terrible
and second of all, Innogen is busy committing adopted incest with Posthumus Leonatus
and they’re gonna get married
but the king is like “AW HELL NO
I mean, Leonatus is nice and all
but he’s not really my son”
and Innogen is like “yeah dad that’s sort of the point
if he was actually your son it would be actual incest”
and the king is like “NAW YOU DON’T GET IT
LEONATUS IS POOR AS SHIT.
YOU AIN’T MARRYIN NO POOR DUDE”
and Innogen is like “Dad,
I’m your daughter which means I’ll be rich as fuck no matter what
and the dude you seem to want me to marry is Clotten
whose sole claim to fame is that he came out of your evil wife
who is only rich because she married YOU
SO I DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S ANY BETTER”
and Cymbeline is like “Well I can’t argue with that
so instead i’m gonna banish Leonatus.”

So Leonatus gets banished
but before he goes, Innogen gives him a diamond ring
and he gives her a golden bracelet
so when they get horny they can look at their jewelry and remember that they’re engaged or w/e
and then Leonatus goes to Rome and is sad

It turns out that rome is a terrible place full of terrible people
one of those people is named Iachimo
and ten minutes after meeting Leonatus, he’s like “YO MAN NICE RING
I BET YOU TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I CAN FUCK THE GIRL WHO GAVE IT TO YOU”
and Leonatus is like “YOU’RE ON”
so Iachimo goes back to England like “Hey babe I have a letter from your fiancee
he’s in Rome being a drunk asshole
howsabout you ditch the boozer and get with the slimy dissembling bastard?
PS: SLIMY DISSEMBLING BASTARD IS WHAT I CALL MY PENIS”
and Innogen is like “Ew no. Go away.”
and Iachomo is like “HAHA JK THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED
but hey, can i store some of my junk in your room overnight?”
and Innogen is like “Sure ok.”

so Iachomo hides in a big box
and has his servants bring it into Innogen’s room
and then in the middle of the night, he jumps out and
…writes down a detailed description of everything in her room
what did you think he was going to do, you pervert
he also steals the bracelet Leonatus gave her
and spends a lot of time looking at her boobs
…so he can describe them to Leonatus.

Meanwhile the Evil Queen buys a bunch of rat poison from her doctor
promising to only use it on animals and definitely not people
but the doctor happens to know that she’s a fucking psychopath
so instead of giving her rat poison
he gives her that poison from Romeo and Juliet that makes you sleepy for a while
which she immediately turns around and gives to this dude Pisanio
who was Leonatus’s servant before Leonatus left
and is now Innogen’s servant.
she tells Pisanio that the poison is like Midol or something
and honestly I have no idea what her endgame is
but spoiler alert: It doesn’t work.

So Iachimo gets back to rome like “HAHA I BANGED INNOGEN
HERE’S WHAT HER ROOM LOOKS LIKE
HERE’S WHAT HER BOOBS LOOK LIKE
HERE’S HER BRACELET
HIGH FIVE”
and Leonatus is like “No
no high five
the lowest of fives, in fact
this five i am giving you
it is downright subterranean
because THAT’S WHERE I WANT INNOGEN TO BE”

So he sends a letter back to Pisanio like
Dear Pisanio
Innogen is a slutty slut and I need you to stab her
take her to wales and then stab her
here is a letter from me to her that will lure her to wales
love,
Crazyballs

And Pisanio gets this letter and he’s like “fuuuuuuuuuuuck
Hey Innogen, wanna go to Wales to see Leonatus?”
and Innogen is like “OMG YES I LOVE LEONATUS”
so they go to Wales
and then halfway there Pisanio is like “ok look
I’m actually supposed to be stabbing you right now
dunno why Leonatus wanted me to take you all the way out here but w/e
anyway I’m not gonna do it
I’ll just pull some snow white woodsman shit and let you go
meanwhile I think the best course of action
is for you to dress up as a man
and go to rome to spy on Leonatus
PS: I have this vial of untested mystery Midol
given to me by the totally scrupulous evil queen
why don’t you hold onto this in case of cramps or something”
and Innogen is like “Okay that sounds about as reasonable as the rest of this.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CASTLE
Clotten is like “where the fuck is Innogen
where the fuck is Pisanio
Oh hey Pisanio
where Innogen at?”
and Pisanio is like “Uhh … I got a letter from Leonatus
it says she’s in wales?”
and Clotten is like “SWEET
here’s what I’m gonna do:
I’m gonna dress up like Leonatus
go to Wales
kill Leonatus
and then rely on Innogen’s complete lack of facial recognition
to get her to bang me”
and Pisanio is like “That sounds fucking amazing.”

MEANWHILE, IN WALES
Innogen runs into a group of outlaws
who just happen to be the king’s two long lost sons
PLUS THE DUDE WHO STOLE THEM WHEN HE WAS BANISHED
they think he’s their dad
it’s all super convenient
They’re like “Hey bro, what’s your name?”
and she’s like “Uhh … Fidele
it’s latin for ‘I’m totally a dude, trust me.'”
and they’re like “Yeah okay.”
and they all get along really well
until Innogen gets a visit from her aunt flo and decides to take the Midol
which knocks her out, obviously
and that’s exactly when Clotten decides to show up
and insult the fuck out of the outlaws
so one of them chops his head off with an axe because Clotten is a chump
and then they find Innogen’s apparently-dead body
and they’re like “AW JEEZE
NOW WE GOTTA BURY TWO BODIES”

Luckily they don’t bury them very deep
so when Innogen wakes up she looks over next to her
and there’s a headless body dressed in Leonatus’s clothes
and since there is conveniently no face to recognize
she’s like “OH NO LEONATUS DIED SOMEHOW”
and then the Roman Consul shows up like “Hey kid
you look pretty sad
why don’t you join my army so we can go fight England.”

Because oh yeah I forgot to tell you
England and Rome are at war now
because Evil Queenypants convinced Cymbeline to stop paying tribute
so now it’s stabbing time
and basically everybody in the whole play shows up:
Cymbeline, his two (secret) sons, their (not real) dad, and Leonatus (disguised as a peasant)
versus Iachomo (that lying seducer guy), Innogen (disguised as a dude) and the Roman Consul
so basically it’s a battle composed entirely of the most talented liars in two empires
but it turns out they are much better liars than soldiers
because nobody dies
Cymbeline almost gets captured, but his sons and their dad save him
and England ends up winning and capturing all the romans
who they intend to execute the next day

So Leonatus is in jail, feeling pretty shitty
when Zeus shows up like “Don’t worry dude
things may look bad right now
but soon you will be knee-deep in vagina
trust me, I know about this stuff.”
Then he flies off on an eagle
so that’s weird.

Next day, everybody gets together in the same room
to either be knighted or executed
and Cymbeline is like “Hey great job, mystery knights
can I do you any solids?”
and they’re like “Yeah could you not execute that dude Fidele
he’s sort of our bro”
and the king is like “Yeah sure.
Hey Fidele, can I do you any solids?”
and Fidele is like “Yeah
make Iachimo tell everybody how he got that bracelet and that ring”
so Iachimo spills the beans
which sets off a chain reaction
of TWENTY-SEVEN CONFESSIONS
through which the whole plot of the play basically gets told to us again.
Oh also the evil queen is dead
because she got sick for no reason
and it turns out she was planning to poison the king
which is weird because she gave all her poison to Pisanio
THE NUMBER ONE MOST TRUSTWORTHY DUDE IN THE PLAY

So everybody finally sees through everybody’s lies
the king gets his sons back
and he’s not worried about Innogen inheriting the kingdom anymore
so she can marry whoever the fuck she wants
and she decides to marry Leonatus
even though he tried to have her killed
and Cymbeline agrees to start paying tribute to Rome again
because he’s pardoned basically everybody else already so why the fuck not
then they all have a dance party

so the moral of the story
is that long distance relationships are hard.

The end.