Hephaestus gets dicked around alot

Oh man i just remembered this one

So one of the most inexplicable things about the greek pantheon
is that Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus
Aphrodite is like the high school cheerleader of the greek pantheon
And Hephaestus is the guy with the gimp leg who is always making historically accurate ww2 models
He doesn’t actually make ww2 models because ww2 has not happened yet but he does have a gimp leg, I’m not making that part up
Aphrodite is the goddess of boning everywhere all the time
and Hepaestus is the god of sitting in a forge all day making armor and swords for all the muscley dudes who go out and murder other muscley dudes and then sleep with all the women
So why the fuck is Hephaestus married to Aphrodite?
How did he score such sweet tail?
Well because Aphrodite is the goddess of boning EVERYONE
so it’s not like she’s gonna actually be faithful or anything
and in fact she is sort of making a habit of boning Ares god of war, who is like the quarterback to her slutty cheerleader
She is actually doing it IN HEPHAESTUS’ BED when he is out working at the forge probably making armor for Ares even.
But Hephaestus is not a dumbass.
He’s probably got a whole bunch of mirrors and shit set up so that he can see into his own bedroom at all times from everywhere because he finds out what is going on
and he decides to show his cheating whore of a wife what’s what


so he melts down the armor he was making for ares and he uses all the metal to make some chains
and then he uses his mad skills to make these chains into a giant indestructible net
and then he hangs the net over his bed like a canopy
and the next time Aphrodite is doing the wango bango with Ares
Hephaestus leaps into the room all like
except he can’t leap cause he has a gimp leg
but anyway he drops the net on them
and it traps them on his bed
BUT THE JOKE’S ON HIM because they had no intention of leaving the bed and they’re both like
welp, we’re caught, might as well continue our boner fiesta in plain view
because Hephaestus invited all the other gods to come hang out in his bedroom today
so they all start rolling in
and Bacchus is laughing his ass off
because he can totally see nipple
and Poseidon pokes zeus and says “would you tap that?”
and Zeus says “probably already have.”
(I am not making that up, that shit is in the odyssey)
But really the joke is still on Hephaestus because his wife is boning another man right in front of him and even the best blacksmith cannot repair a broken relationship

The end

7 thoughts on “Hephaestus gets dicked around alot

  1. This: "even the best blacksmith cannot repair a broken relationship" struck me as one of the best descriptions/thoughts/pieces of relationship advice I've ever read. Way to be unintentionally deep.

  2. Pingback: Anchises gets MEGALAID | Myths RETOLD

  3. Fantastic! I learned from the Wikipedia though, that Hephaestus marrying Aphrodite was his reward for releasing her from the magical trapping throne he gave her. The throne was a reward for her bitchery.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *