Icarus is a dumbass

So this dude Minos is having all kinds of problems being king of Crete
because his brothers are all want to be the king of crete instead
so they are all murdering each other like nonstop
until minos has this fantastic idea and he is like hey poseidon you should make me win
and poseidon is all ok I am going to send you a bitchin’ white bull
it means you will win
but you have to kill it later in my honor
and minos says uh huh sure okay make me king
so poseidon sends this bull
which is made out of sea foam or some shit i guess
and Minos becomes king
but then he really REALLY likes this bull
it is a really sweet bull
I dont think you guys understand what hot shit bulls were in ancient greece
you have to remember minos didnt have the internet
so bulls were like THE HEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY
and this was like the APPLE IPAD OF BULLS
so he decides hey i am not going to kill this bull what’s the worst that could happen im already king right?
Well right he is king but something bad definitely happens because Minos has a wife
and Poseidon goes and says hey Aphrodite you know what you should do you should make that bitch fall in love with my bull
and aphordite looks up from giving Ares a blowjob and says yeah ok
so all of a sudden minos’s wife is like mad attracted to this cow
but the problem is that the cow is not at all into chicks
like, human chicks
so she has this brilliant idea and she calls up this dude deadalus
and she is like i need someone to build me a GIANT WOODEN COWSUIT
so i can fuck cows
and deadalus
who is a fantastic genius inventor
is like sure no problem
and he makes her the suit
and she puts it on
and she goes out to the bull and the bull fucks that thing half to death
and she gets preggers
and Minos realizes something is up when she gives birth to a HIDEOUS COWBABY
aka the minotaur
so Minos does the smart thing and calls up the oracle at delphi
because that never leads to bad decisions
and the oracle says hey just build a maze around it no harm no foul
so minos gets this guy Daedalus
(more like DEADalus amirite)
because either he doesnt know deadalus built the cowsuit for his wife
or he doesnt give a shit because deadalus is that fucking good
so either way he gets him to build this awesome maze
and then instead of paying him with money
he pays him with years in prison
locked in a tower with his son icarus
in a tower over the ocean
Minos is a retard though because he has locked a master craftsman and his son in a tower
with apparently an unlimited supply of feathers and wax
so they make wings
and jump out the window
but you know who else is a retard is Icarus
because he does not understand that the sun is made of heat
whereas his wings are only made of wax and birdhair
so he flies way the fuck up towards the sun
and the sun says aw hell no
and Icarus’ wings break and he drowns
and his genius dad lives happily ever after no longer hampered by his dumbass son or something.

The end.

12 thoughts on “Icarus is a dumbass

  1. Daedalus is so far from happy ever after at this point he probably couldn't even see it if he invented a telescope and called it "fuck you Galileo." He gets into so much more shit after this it is not even amusing. Actually, it's very amusing. Hilarious even.

    Deadalus doesn't get a happy ending, is what I'm saying.

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