so a long long long time ago
the world sucked
and gods were pissed
but these particular gods were in India
home to a somewhat chiller breed of god
so instead of just flooding everything and starting over
they decide to send in their MVP to fix their problem

their MVP has a lot of names
like a thousand
seriously, dude has more names than the entire silmarillion
but most of them are irrelevant to our purposes here
so let’s just call him Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
(but only for a couple paragraphs
he’s gonna change names pretty quick)

so vishnu is just hanging out
on a snake in the middle of the milk ocean
when Brahma (another important god type dude)
paddles up in his meditation boat and is like hey man
earth is fucked right the hell up
I’m tagging you in
and Vishnu is like chill out dude
I know all about that shit
i was actually just making arrangements to get born down there
so I can simultaneously fix everything/steal massive quantities of butter
and Brahma is like oh awesome

and true to his word
Vishnu flies down to earth and shoves himself right up in some lady’s womb
this is not difficult for Vishnu
not only is he the god of everything
but he’s totally pulled this type of womb-foolery before
seven times, in fact
and each time he comes out as a different type of dude
with a different personality and everything
so for those of you keeping score at home
Vishnu is basically a cross between Jesus Christ and a Time Lord

but apparently even seven practice wombs have not made Vishnu very good at target selection
because the womb he selects belongs to a lady named Devaki
who happens to be in prison
because her brother (king Kansa) received a prophecy that said Devaki’s eighth kid would kill him
and prison is a tried and true method of dealing with this.

So Devaki is just chilling in her prison cell
pumping out babies like crazy
and Kansa is straight murdering all those babies
even though none of them are the eighth baby
and I assume that being able to count is a prerequisite for kingship
like, it’s definitely a prerequisite for being a count
and a king is a lot higher up on the food chain
but maybe not
maybe he just has his counts count shit for him
maybe that is the true secret of feudalism.

ANYWAY
Devaki gets up to baby number seven
and I guess she’s finally figured out that Kansa is going to murder her babies
so what she does
and this is really brilliant
is she takes her womb
and stuffs it in her friend rohini’s womb
like a pre-natal turducken
and rohini sneaks away with a covert baby inside her
and secretly gives birth
TO VISHNU??
no idiot
this is only the seventh baby
vishnu has to be the eighth baby because the eighth baby is the special one
plus we still have to come up with another name for him
because names are awesome

So Devaki tells Kansa that she totally miscarried on baby number 7
so Kansa isn’t sure whether the next baby will count as baby number 8
but it doesn’t really matter cause he’s just going to kill it regardless
plus it doesn’t really matter because Devaki just GAVE HER FUCKING WOMB AWAY
so it’s not like she’s gonna have any more babies
RIGHT?

WRONG
cause when your baby is Vishnu
LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
you need wombs like you need a hole in the crotch
I mean
wait
no you still need the hole though
but anyway so Vishnu just crawls into Devaki’s anti-womb
becomes Krishna
THINLY-DISGUISED LORD OF THE UNIVERSE
and then shoots out her snatch and out of the prison
before he can get snatched by Kansa and Ko and turned into baby powder
then he goes to live with his foster mother Yasoda
who just gave birth to another goddess, that being Durga
and they hang out and have crazy adventures
and eventually Krishna does kill Kansa, obviously
but all of that is a whole other story

the moral of this story meanwhile
is that most ladies DON’T have detachable plumbing
so if someone locks you in a room and says they’re gonna kill all your babies
perhaps abstinence is worth considering?
or at least the rhythm method?
like for real, six dead babies?
that’s a barbershop quartet and a half
think about THAT, you monsters.

the end.