Tolkein Told You That WHOLE OTHER STORY So He Could Tell You This One:

Wow I totally forgot to post a myth on Monday.
Here it is.
After this I’ma tell a myth from a specific mythos
hand-selected by my 5-dollar and up Patreon backers
HEY BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD BACK MY PATREON
Anyway
let’s wrap up the fukkin Silmarillion
with this story about evil fashion accessories.

So right after Morgoth gets banished
Sauron starts freaking out
and he actually tries to repent for all his sins
but ultimately there’s just too much paperwork
so he goes back to being evil instead.
Sauron rocks at being evil
because he can shapeshift into a hot dude
and everybody trusts hot dudes.
So he goes to the elves like “Hey let’s be bros”
and the elves are like “sure, you seem hot.”

So Sauron hangs out with the elves for a while
and he convinces them to start making RINGS OF POWER
the elves seriously make so many rings
they are just cranking those fuckers out
but then Sauron pulls a dick move
(the only kind of move he is capable of pulling)
(I just got an image of a guy standing in front of a mirror
practicing dick moves)
the dick move is to go back to his evil castle
and make one ring
ahem, I mean One Ring
that basically just has root access to all the other rings
but the elves realize what’s going on
and they all just take off their rings
and Sauron is like FUCK
and he tries to kill them and take their rings
but mostly they destroy them
and they keep the last three
which are pretty nice rings
but they can’t wear them because of evil.

So Sauron learns from his mistake
and tries the exact same scam with the dwarves and the humans
giving them seven and nine rings respectively.
this works perfectly
because men are stupid and greedy as fuck
and dwarves are dwarves.
The rings make the dwarves lust for gold
which is like if you forged a ring to make soup hot and wet
and then gave it to a bunch of dwarves
who proceeded to fuck it because dwarves fuck gold.

The humans are the worst at ring-having.
The dudes who have the rings turn into crazy powerful sorcerors
who can turn invisible whenever they want
but then suddenly they’re invisible all the time
and they have to do what Sauron says
and they’re all like “Aw jeeze.”

Sauron gets sick of rings though
and decides to just kill everybody.
The humans of Numenor try to stop him from doing that
but we already know what happens to them.
After that, his evil ghost runs back to Mordor
and he builds himself a new body out of steel and hatred.

Meanwhile, a few dudes have escaped the destruction of Numenor
Most important is this dude Elendil the tall
(he’s important because he is tall)
Elendil has two sons: Isildur and Anarion
and they become co-rulers of the survivors
and build two huge towers to live in
called Minas Ithil and Minas Anor
and spend most of their time looking into crystal balls
until Sauron finally decides to say fuck it and kill everybody for real

But it’s totally fine
because the elves and the humans totally team up to smack him down
after a SEVEN YEAR SIEGE
except it’s not super fine, because Elendil and Anarion die
and Elendil’s sweet magic sword gets broken.
but it’s fine after all, because Isildur kills Sauron
and cuts off his ring hand with the shards of his dad’s magic sword
and takes his One Ring
and when Elrond, one of the elf-lords asks him to destroy it
by throwing it into the volcano it was forged in
he’s like “naw” and keeps it
and then he gets killed by some orcs when the ring betrays him in a river
and the ring escapes and gets found by some dumb fisherman
who turns into an evil ghoul and lives in a cave for a century
thus ensuring that Sauron’s power will remain in the world
and guaranteeing his ultimate resurrection
so
ultimate verdict
NOT FINE AT ALL.

Oh yeah, remember those three elf rings?
Those are still around
apparently just having them nearby makes your city last forever
which means it’s really easy to spot where they are.
Elrond has one of them
Galadriel has another one of them
and the third one
?????
Who knows.
Probably somebody who wasn’t in the movies.

Anyway, Sauron starts coming back to life
like everybody knew he would
and gathers as many rings to himself as he can
including the nine rings from the humans
and three he managed to get from the dwarves
and he’s looking SO HARD for that one ring
but like, why though
he already has 12 rings by my count
that is too many to wear.
Oh well
I guess loving bling isn’t a crime.
I mean, wanting to end all life on earth is a crime
but whatver.

Surprisingly the Valar actually get off their asses and do something about this
… kind of
I mean, they don’t come to Middle Earth themselves
but they do send a bunch of old dudes to make sure things are okay.
These old dudes are called Istari
which is just a fancy word for FUCKING WIZARDS.
One of them is Gandalf
one of them is Saruman
one of them is a dirty goddamn hippy named Radagast Shitrobe
and there are a bunch of other ones too but they don’t matter.

So Gandalf spends all his time wandering around fighting evil
and figuring out what Sauron’s plans are
while Saruman wastes absolutely no time getting corrupted by Sauron
and searching desperately for the One Ring so he can use it to screw everybody else in the entire world
like he’s forgotten the first rule of wizardry:
“bros before eldritch artifacts of practically limitless power.”

Meanwhile, the nine humans who got corrupted by the rings come back
they’re called the Nazgul now, and they look exactly like how that name sounds
and they take over Minas Ithil and rename it Minas Morgul
because bad guys get to name things too
and Minas Anan, not to be outdone, renames itself to Minas Tirith
And at this point everything is pretty well set up for the lord of the rings:
Bilbo the hobbit finds the ring in the cave
gives it to his son Frodo
Frodo flails and whines his way to Mount Doom and destroys the ring
A dude named Aragorn turns out to be the direct descendant of Isildur
and reforges the sword that got broken in that battle all those years before
Gandalf solves basically every problem anyone ever has
and everybody lives happily ever after.

All of that isn’t important.
What’s important is that after all that
it turns out that Gandalf was the dude who had the third elf ring LIKE THE WHOLE TIME
and he didn’t tell ANYONE
so you know that scene near the beginning of Lord of the Rings
when Frodo tries to give the ring to Gandalf
and Gandalf is like NO I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT MUCH POWER?
What he really meant was
“Nah thanks bro I’m good I already got one.”

It doesn’t really matter though
because once the one ring is destroyed, the other rings don’t work anymore
stupid proprietary technology.
This means that all the elf cities are doomed to fade away and die
so the elves are like “You know what? Fuck it.
Middle Earth has been an endlessly shitty place for as long as we can remember
let’s fulfill the promise of our ancestors
and go live in an immortal party castle forever.”
So they do
and now it’s just humans
sitting around in the ruins of another massive world war
but it’s joke’s on the elves
because at least humans get the gift of death!

Welp
That’s the end of the Silmarillion
which is basically a story about how the world was prophesied to suck
and then ended up sucking, just like the prophecy said
all because some jerkass couldn’t play along with the band during rehearsal
so ultimately, according to Tolkein
the root of all evil
is death metal and fancy jewelry.

Man, dude would fucking hate glam-rock.

THE END.

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AKALLABETH, or: The Valar Are Poor Communicators

AH FUCK
IT’S NOT OVER.
Tolkein straight up added more book after the end of his book.
It is as if the Silmarillion is a huge, complex wordburger
and the Akallabeth is an extra patty he just threw on top
getting your fingers all greasy
drawing unwanted attention to your already unhealthy meal.
It’s a pretty sweet story though.

So after the Valar come over and fix everyone’s shit
they reward all the humans who helped them
by giving them their own party island off the west coast.
This island is called Hawaii
oh wait no it’s not
why would it be called Hawaii
it’s called like four thousand other things
but none of those things are Hawaii
even though that’s exactly what it fucking is
but in case you’re taking a class on this or something
the island is actually called Numenor.
The elves also get an island called Avallone
but it’s slightly closer to Valinor
and everybody real estate is all about location
plus the elves can never die so that’s sweet too
oh and also the Valar tell the humans that they aren’t allowed to go west at all
because that would take them closer to Valinor
and humans are too gross to go to Valinor.

The humans are pretty stoked to be where they are
FOR A WHILE
but then people start to ask a very reasonable question:
they’re like “Hey
how come the elves can come over and party with us on our island
but we can’t go over to their island?”
and the elves and the Valinor are just like “Uh …
you just can’t, okay?”
and the humans are like “But that’s so unfair!
Why do you guys get to be immortal
while we are doomed to die in all the lamest ways?”
and the Valar are like “Are you guys kidding?
Dying is a GIFT.
We would LOVE to be able to die
the burden of generations of wisdom and partying can be too much at times
seriously we don’t understand what you’re complaining about.”

Obviously this answer does not please the humans
but they know better than to fuck with the Valinor
so instead they take out their aggression on the humans of Middle Earth
because those guys are all still hungry and confused
due to the aftermath of the huge war that just happened.
So after centuries of enslaving other humans and demanding tribute
the people of Numenor naturally become shittier and shittier
and their kings become the shittiest of all.
There’s a brief moment of non-shittiness
when this dude Tar-Palantir becomes king
but then he dies and passes the crown to his daughter
and his shitty brother forces her to marry him
which is illegal on SO MANY LEVELS
but I guess it doesn’t matter because then he’s king.
His name is Ar-Pharazon
and he is the last person who gets to be king of Numenor.

See, here’s what happens
Sauron, Morgoth’s most devoted follower
didn’t get banished when his boss did
so he’s just been chilling out in Middle Earth
making things objectively worse for everyone
and finally he raises an army
and gets real arrogant about it
and starts calling himself the king of men
but Ar-Pharazon is like “NUH UH
YOU CAN’T BE THE KING OF MEN
IIIIIIII AM THE KING OF MEN.”
and Sauron is like “Oh dang, you’re right
I’ll stop opposing you immediately
in fact, can I just come and live at your house
maybe be your trusted advisor?”
And Ar-Pharazon is like “Hmmmmmm
YES.”
You don’t become king of Numenor by being smart, friends
you become king of Numenor by heredity
and also by forcing your niece to marry you.

So now Sauron is Ar-Pharazon’s most trusted advisor
which means we all know where this is going already.
Sauron’s like “Now I know you’ve been worshipping the Valar
because of their benevolence and whatnot
but you know who’s even better?
MELKOR
Like, do the Valar demand human sacrifices?
NOPE.
Melkor does though.
SO METAL.”
And Ar-Pharazon
who definitely aspires to be the most metal king of Numenor
can see no problem with Sauron’s terrible advice.

So Sauron and Ar-Pharazon build a huge temple to Melkor
and start sacrificing all the nice people inside of it
and they burn down their copy of Celeborn, THE TREE OF LIFE
although some dudes manage to save a fruit from it first
and grow a little tree out of it
but that doesn’t matter basically at all.
Everybody’s lifespans start getting shorter
terrible diseases abound
people go crazy and murder each other
getting struck by lightning becomes a common occurrence
things become worse in pretty much every conceivable way
other than metalness, I guess.

But Sauron has not fucked up enough shit yet
so he goes to Ar-Pharazon like “Yo
You’ve been doing a pretty terrible job at king
but you know what buddy?
I believe in you.
You can do way worse.”
and Ar-Pharazon is all “SHIT YEAH I CAN
I’M THE KING OF MEN
I CAN DO ANYTHING.”
So then he decides he is actually going to ATTACK VALINOR.
Luckily, not everybody in the kingdom is as dumb as he is.
There’s this dude named Amandil
who grabs a bunch of other non-idiots
and he’s like “Okay, guys
I don’t know how shit got so bad
maybe it’s a combination of boredom, inbreeding, and arbitrary rules handed down by distant, uncaring gods
but whatever
the point is that shit is about to be horrible
and you guys all need to live.
I’m going to try and sail to Valinor and talk the gods out of doing something rash
because that ALWAYS WORKS.”

So Amandil’s sons head to Middle Earth
Amandil heads to Valinor
and so does Ar-Pharazon’ WHOLE DAMN FLEET.
Ar-Pharazon lands on that Elf island, Avallone
like “HAHA, MINE!”
and Manwe sees that and goes out of his fucking gourd
he calls up Iluvatar
who he hasn’t talked to in AGES
and is like “Yeah dude, just kill everybody.”
So Iluvatar
who, remember
has not interfered with creation SINCE THE BEGINNING
is just like “Yeah, okay”
and straight up splits the world in half
just to keep humans from getting to Party Island.

So Ar-Pharazon dies
all his dudes die
all the elves on Avallone
plus a few stray birds, but fuck birds.
Amandil’s guys are fine
because they got out while the getting was good
and Sauron is chilling in his temple in Numenor
laughing his ass off over this catastrophe
when all of a sudden
WHOOPS
Numenor falls into the fucking abyss
and Sauron does that thing Wile E. Coyote does
where he sits on nothing for a minute with his eyes closed
cautiously feeling the air around him with his feet
before resignedly opening his eyes and falling to his death.

EXCEPT HE CAN’T BE KILLED.
His hot bod gets destroyed, sure
but his mean ghost is fine
so he just runs back home
and turns into a GIANT FLAMING EYEBALL
which goes on to cause a lot more problems
but I’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of the story
is that you should probably just let your friends party at your place sometimes
because otherwise
some day
you may have to destroy them.

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Earendil Drives a Boat into a Fucking Dragon

ARE WE DONE YET, TOLKIEN?
HAVE YOU SAID ALL THE FANCY NAMES YOU WANT TO SAY?
CAN WE GET TO THE PART WHERE SHIT DOESN’T BLOW?
Yeah?
Ok cool
awesome.

So Tuor and Idril sail off in a boat and escape the story
ditching their two kids in the process
and one of their kids
Earendil
isn’t too jazzed about that
so he builds ANOTHER boat
and HE sails off to look for his parents
/find Valinor and ask the Valar what’s up
/have orgies in their party castle forever
ditching his wife Elwin in the process
along with the Silmaril she’s guarding.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY
DO THEY LOVE BOATS SO MUCH THAT THEY FORGET THEY HAVE RELATIVES?
GUESS SO.

So while Earendil is gone
the sons of Feanor hear about Elwin and her Silmaril
so they send a strongly worded letter to her
like “Hey, that shiny piece of garbage is actually ours
give it back or else
love,
the source of basically every single problem in this story”
and Elwin and all her friends are like “Hmm
we could just give them back the Silmaril
but it’s REALLY shiny
so let’s just keep it.”
and the sons of Feanor are like “Ok, awesome
we’re getting really good at killing our own kind anyway.”
So they slaughter most of the people in Elwin’s city
except for Elwin’s kids
and also Elwin, who throws herself into the sea
and then Ulmo is like “Okay, this is fucking dumb.”
so he rips a page out of Zeus’s book
and turns her into a bird
with the Silmaril embedded in her chest
so Maedhros and Maglin
(the two surviving sons of Feanor)
see her flying away
while they murder the last of her friends
and are just like “AWW, CRICKET-DICK”

So Elwin meets up with Earendil
who is actually on his way back to see her anyway
and she tells him what’s up
so they decide to fuck off to Valinor together
and fuck everything else.
No one has successfully made it to Valinor so far
but Earendil has a secret weapon:
the Silmaril.
So he straps that shit to his face
and uses it as a magic head lamp to get him to Valinor
and then when they get to the shore
he gathers up Elwin and the crew like “Sheesh, guys
thanks so much for helping me sail here
but this magical island of orgies and fun
is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
and it would be shitty of me to subject you to that sexy danger.
What am I, Odysseus?
Nah, you guys stay here
I’ll bbn
(be back never)

but Elwin is like “Aw hell no
you’re not keeping me out of party kingdom
I’m coming with you
fuck your danger.”
and Earendil
who was looking forward to sleeping around at least a little bit
is like “Ugh, fine
you have to let me go talk to the Valar alone though
because you are being so fucking suffocating right now”

So Earendil shows up at Manwe’s house like “Yo
I brought you a Silmaril
get off your radiant ass and kill Morgoth already”
and Manwe is like “Oh shit, okay.”
So he gives Earendil a rad flying boat
and glues the Silmaril to it
and Earendil flies it over Middle earth
so the children of Feanor can see it and be like “Whoa
that looks like a Silmaril
I wonder if we can like …
jump real high and steal it.”
and then Manwe sends all the armies of Valinor back to Middle earth
to show up and ruin Morgoth’s shit.

Morgoth is not expecting this
he’s pretty sure the Valar have forgotten about the world altogether
and retreated to a life of opium smoking and sex magic
so when this huge radiant army shows up
ready to romp and stomp him in about fourteen new ways
he loses his shit
and just throws his whole army at them.
His whole army is made of dragons, so this is a problem for everybody.

NOT A PROBLEM FOR EARENDIL THOUGH
He just crashes his boat straight into a dragon’s face
while surrounded by an army of screaming birds
lead by Thorondor, KING OF EAGLES
and demolishes that giant fire lizard.
If you do not yet understand
why birds terrify me so god damn much
this episode is all you need:
a dragon
A FUCKING DRAGON
just got reamed by a flying boat and a bunch of feathered wastrels.
the book is not super detailed on this point
but i am p. sure they eat their way in through the dragon’s eyes
and then just go crazy on his organs.

So eventually they chase Morgoth down
and fail to kill him for some reason
but they do tie him up in a super embarassing way
by turning his crown into a collar
and then they throw him out of the universe
lock the door behind him
and guard it forever.

So the end, right?
Morgoth is dead, everything is awesome.
Well yeah
but Feanor’s kids aren’t done being assholes yet.
See, Morgoth still had two Silmarils
and the invading force from Valinor took them
so Maedhros and Maeglin send ANOTHER strongly worded letter
but the Valar are just like “Um guys
you have done literally nothing but murder your own guys
for CENTURIES.
You’ve straight up murdered more guys than Morgoth
what
in the WIDE WORLD OF FUCK
makes you think you deserve a prize for your behavior?”
and Maedhros is like “FUCK YOU, TAKIN’ EM ANYWAY”
and the Valar are like “Noooooo”
but then it turns out Maedhros and Maeglin can’t even hold the Silmarils
because the Silmarils don’t like being held by jerks
so the jewels burn their hands like magic hot potatoes
until they both freak out and throw them away
and one ends up at the bottom of the ocean
and the other one ends up AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
so now nobody’s happy.
Nice job, Feanor’s kids.
Way to squeeze in one last fuck you before the end of this story.

Because yeah
that’s the end of the Silmarillion
Morgoth/Melkor is out of the picture
and everything is going to be great forever

… OR IS IT?

Anyway
the moral of the story
is that your cease and desist letters become a lot more effective
when you can back them up with murder.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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Tuor is Useless

We’re approaching the end of the Silmarillion
which means shit should be getting marginally less sour at this point
but GUESS WHAT?
IT’S NOT.
Shit is staying sour like lemon-flavored bad mood
which is honestly a pretty appetizing description as far as shit is concerned
but I hope I don’t need to tell you guys:
no kind of shit is good for eating
don’t let fancy flavors fool you.

Okay, now that we got that PSA out of the way
why don’t I tell you about Tuor.
Okay, Tuor is the son of Hurin’s brother
who died during the last big battle
so he grows up as a sad little orphan in a cave with some other sad humans
until one day everyone is like “fuck this cave” and leaves
except they get killed by orcs and shitty humans
and the shitty humans enslave Tuor for three years
at which point he breaks out and goes back to the cave
even though it’s totally abandoned now
because I guess he really likes caves.

So he chills out in the cave for a while
maybe staring at some shadows on a wall or w/e
until Ulmo
LORD OF THE WATERS
is like “dude, you know what’s better than caves?
THE MOTHERFUCKING SEA”
and Tuor is like “GOD DAMN YOU’RE RIGHT
CAVES ARE GREAT
BUT CAN YOU DROWN IN A CAVE?
IS A CAVE FULL OF POISONOUS, DEADLY WATER-BREATHERS?
IS IT ANYWHERE NEAR AS MOIST?
NO.
THE SEA IS A WAY BETTER PLACE TO BE MISERABLE THAN A CAVE”
and Ulmo is like “Ok that’s not exactly what I meant
but whatever works I guess.”

So Tuor hikes over to the sea
and Ulmo leads him around with birds and shit for a while
until finally Tuor ends up
IN ANOTHER CAVE
and inside this cave
is a suit of armor
which Turgon, king of the hidden city of Gondolin
custom-made like 200 years ago
using measurements given to him by Ulmo
so that some day
some random dude
could come along and find them.

THAT DUDE IS TUOR.
So yeah, Tuor puts on this creepily well-fitting armor
and then runs into a random shipwrecked elf from Gondolin
who Ulmo fucked over just so he could lead Tuor back to the city
which is exactly what happens.

Now I know what you’re thinking:
this whole armor thing is the payoff of a godly prophecy
several centuries in the making
which means Tuor is probably about to Jesus the fuck out of Gondolin
turn shit around for the good guys
and finally start accomplishing rad feats instead of incest and misery
OOPS
NOPE
Turns out Tuor is just gonna tell king Turgon to leave his secret castle
because Morgoth is gonna come burn it down any day now
and Turgon is just gonna be like “Hm … I see what you’re saying
but I like this secret castle
all my shit is here
so … nope.”
AND THAT’S THAT.

It’s like DUDE
TURGON
AN ACTUAL LITERAL GOD CAME TO YOU
AND TOLD YOU TO MAKE ARMOR FOR A DUDE
WHO DIDN’T EVEN EXIST YET
SO THAT ONE DAY HE COULD COME DELIVER YOU A MESSAGE.
THAT DUDE IS HERE NOW, TURGON
HE IS IN YOUR HOUSE
HE IS DELIVERING YOU A MESSAGE
AND YOU’RE GONNA TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD-DAMN TELEMARKETER?
THIS IS LIKE IF I HIRED A PLUMBER TO FIX MY TOILET
AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE YOU NEED NEW PIPES
AND I WAS LIKE NO THANKS DUDE I LIKE MY OLD PIPES
I THINK I’M JUST GONNA START SHITTING IN MY SINK.
GOD DAMMIT TURGON
DON’T GO SHITTING IN YOUR SINK, BUDDY
DON’T GO SHITTING ANYWHERE IN YOUR KITCHEN
NO KIND OF POOP IS GOOD TO EAT.

But it’s too late
Turgon has made his dumb decision
and now everyone has to deal with it
but Tuor does manage to salvage the situation
by marrying Turgon’s hot elf daughter Idril
who was coincidentally the sex-target of an asshole named Maeglin
who was the dude who convinced Turgon to stay in Gondolin like an asshole
so Idril def made the right choice.
Idril also makes another right choice:
because her dad is too much of an idiot to leave Gondolin
she goes over his head
or under his head i guess
what I mean is she digs a secret tunnel out of the city
and doesn’t tell anyone except Tuor and maybe a couple other people
which means that when Morgoth inevitably captures Maeglin
and converts him to evil
and convinces him to betray Gondolin so he can finally sex Idril
Idril is just like HAHAHA NOPE
and runs away with all the cool people while Morgoth’s goons butcher everyone else.

So Tuor and Idril and co flee through all the worst parts of the mountains
(every part of mountains is the worst part)
protected from evil by a swarm of giant screaming eagles.
They get attacked by a Baalrog at one point
but it’s okay because some dude nobody cares about sacrifices himself to knock it off a cliff
exactly like Gandalf does later in the Lord of the Rings
GANDALF:
SUCH A FUCKING BITER, GOD.

So yeah, everybody gets away clean
and they end up on the coast
because Tuor is still OBSESSED with the sea
and they run into all the dudes who escaped Doriath when it got ruined
and everybody chills out in their new secret base
which Morgoth is totally unaware of
so HE thinks everything is totally groovy
because all he has to deal with is the children of Feanor
who at this point have pretty much exclusively killed their own guys.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because Ulmo swims back to Valinor to talk to the other Valar
and he’s like “Guys
the humans and the elves are doing pretty damn bad
maybe we should get off our asses and help them kill Morgoth?
Like, you know how we’re each as powerful as Morgoth
and there are like a ton more of us?
Couldn’t we end this war like super fast?”
and Manwe, who is still sore about the elves ditching his party castle
is like “Yeah … but no.”
and Ulmo is like “aww.”
then Tuor and his wife build a big boat and sail out of the story
thus making them probably the happiest people in the Silmarillion so far
but doing fuck-all to help anyone else.

So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get on a boat and fucking vanish.

TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD

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Jewelry is Hard to Come By In Middle Earth

Right so some of you lovely people gave money to my Patreon
and the amount of money you gave me
means I gotta finish the Silmarillion now
which is great actually
because I was just saying how I’m not reading enough multisyllabic names.

Okay, where were we?
Oh yeah
Turin just fucked everything up over and over again and then died
awesome.
I hate to break it to you guys
but this story gets way the fuck grimmer before it claws its way out of the sadhole
like Tolkien tried to pack as much tragedy into this fucking thing as possible
before the day gets inevitably saved.
He’s like a dude at an all-you-can-eat sadness buffet
just cramming in the depressing calories
because he knows he’s inevitably gonna shit later.
Okay, bad metaphor
I’m just stalling because this part of the story sucks.

Okay, remember Hurin?
It’s cool if you don’t.
There’s a lot to remember.
Hurin is Turin’s dad
which makes me wish everybody’s names rhymed with their dad’s names
it would make this fucking book way easier.
Anyway Hurin was kidnapped my Morgoth back when Turin was a baby
and he has spent all the time since then just hanging out in Morgoth’s castle
which is seriously THE LAMEST PLACE
plus Morgoth is like the WORST DUDE to hang out with
but then one day
(after Turin is already way dead)
Morgoth is just like “hey dude you’re free to go”
and Hurin is like “…what?”
and Morgoth is like “Yeah I feel real bad about torturing you in my castle for decades
plus your son is dead so maybe you should go mourn him.”
and Hurin is like “no way dude, you’re an asshole
you don’t feel bad about things you do.”
and Morgoth is like “Ha ha,you got me
I really just want to release you so you can ruin everybody’s lives
with the hatred I have nurtured inside of you.”
and Hurin is like “Oh, okay, that makes more sense
peace out.”
and then he leaves.

Nobody wants to have shit to do with him
because he’s been living with Morgoth for a long-ass time
so he’s like crawling with Evil Cooties
and everybody’s standoffishness just pisses of Hurin more
so he goes straight to the hidden city of Gondolin
which is the last remaining Secret Elf City
now that Turin totally fucked up Nargothrond
and Hurin stands outside of Gondolin like “HEY
HEY
SECRET CITY
OPEN UP, GUYS
I KNOW THERE’S A SECRET CITY HERE
THERE USED TO BE A DOOR RIGHT HERE BUT IT’S BROKEN
WHAT THE FUCK”
and Thorondor, the king of Eagles is like “Oh hell no
we are not letting that crazy bastard in here
nuh uh.”
and Morgoth’s spies are like “SECRET CITY, YOU SAY?
HMMMM”
so I’m sure that won’t end poorly or anything.

After waiting outside Gondolin for a whole day
Hurin finally gets fed up and leaves
and he goes to find his wife Morwen
but she’s super old and dead
and all his kids are dead
it’s just all around a pretty sucky week for Hurin.
So to make it shittier, I guess
he goes to the ruins of Nargothrond
where that shitty dwarf Mim is busy fucking all the gold
and he stabs Mim and takes the prettiest necklace in the city
which is this fancy dwarf thing called the Nauglamir
and he brings that shit over to Thingol and Melian‘s house in Doriath
(this dude is doing like a greatest-hits tour of the kingdom)
and he throws the necklace at Thingol like “FUCK YOU HERE’S A NECKLACE
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR THROWING OUT MY SON
YOU GET HIT WITH A PRICELESS NECKLACE”
and Melian is like “Dude we didn’t throw out your son
your son turned into a crazy asshole and ran away”
and Hurin is like “Oh …”
and then there’s a really awkward pause
where Hurin picks the necklace up off the ground
and gently places it in Thingol’s hands
and pats it a couple times while looking sheepishly at his feet
and then he goes and drowns himself in the ocean.

So Thingol looks at this priceless dwarf necklace
and he’s like “You know what would make this necklace even better?
IF IT HAD A SILMARIL IN IT
FUCK YEAH LET’S GET SOME DWARVES IN HERE
THEY LOVE STICKING SHIT IN GOLD.”
So he calls up some dwarves
and they come over and put the fancy gem in the necklace
but then they’re like “Hey man, we’re gonna take this home ok?”
and Thingol is like “That wasn’t part of the deal!”
and the dwarves are like “WE’RE MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL”
and then they kill him and take the necklace
but the elves chase them down and kill them and take it back
but a couple of them escape and tell the dwarves
who decide to go to war over this stupid piece of jewelry.

Meanwhile Melian is none too pleased
because she gave up being a god to go have sex with Thingol
and it is very hard to have satisfying sex with a male corpse
so she’s like “okay kingdom
you know how I was protecting you with my magic?
well, uh
you’re on your own now.”
and then she goes away to be sad in space or something
and the dwarves show up and kill like everybody and take the necklace again
but then Beren
(the dude who stole the Silmaril in the first place)
finds out about this shit and gets pissed off
so HE shows up and kills all the dwarves and takes the necklace
and gives it to his wife Luthien
who gets so sexy by wearing the necklace that it kills them both
so then Thingol’s son takes it back to Doriath
at which point the sons of Feanor remember their solemn oath
to never stop being assholes until they have all the Silmarils
so THEY show up and kill everyone in Doriath
but they don’t get the necklace because someone runs away with it
but at least they make up for their failure by killing a bunch of women and children
and making it so Doriath will never be a kingdom ever again.
It’s sort of a win-win if you think about it.
Wait I just thought about it
nope.

Anyway the moral of the story
is that you should never give custom jewelry to your lover
because dwarves will kill them and steal it.
Oh god
Valentine’s day was two days ago
…I’m too late

TO BE CONTINUED!

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Turin is like a Macbeth wrapped in an Oedipus

So we’re almost at the end of the Silmarillion
and that’s a problem
because there’s still a lot of misery Tolkien wants to pack in
so what he does
and this is brilliant
is he takes all the misery he’s been saving up
plus all the GREAT NAMES
and uses them on ONE DUDE
this dude’s name is Turin
FOR NOW

So remember those dudes who were trying to hold the mountains against Morgoth?
Well they were led by a dude named Hurin
who Morgoth took prisoner
and then when Hurin repeatedly told Morgoth to go fuck himself
Morgoth was like FINE
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS CURSED FOREVER
and Hurin is like JOKE’S ON YOU
I BET MY FAMILY WILL ANNIHILATE ITSELF SUPER FAST
SO YOUR CURSE WON’T EVEN LAST VERY LONG
and Morgoth is like uhh
yeah, that’s the idea.

Hurin left behind a pregnant wife (Morwen)
and a son (Turin)
and pretty soon Morwen stops being pregnant and now there is a daughter
(Nienor)
But Morwen lives in a bad neighborhood
it’s run by the humans that betrayed the good guys
it’s a shitty place for a baby
so Morwen ships Turin off to live at Thingol and Melian’s place with the elves
but keeps Nienor at home for some reason
and that’s totally fine for like ten minutes

but then Turin grows up
and gets pissed at some elf for making fun of humans
and basically throws that dude off a cliff
and then he’s like oh shit I’m a criminal now
better go run off in the woods and lead a band of outlaws
also I should change my name to Neithan so no one knows who I am
that’ll trick ‘em.

But it really doesn’t
the elves decide not to press charges for the murder
because no one really likes the dude Turin killed
and they send one of their best elves to go bring him back
the elf’s name is Bereg
and Bereg shows up at the outlaw camp like hey dude
come back to elftowne
and Turin is like nope
and Bereg is like okay I guess I’m with you now

so they’re running around in the woods
and they find some dwarves
and proceed to rob the shit of them
they shoot one dwarf with an arrow
and then capture that dwarf’s dad
and Turin is like oh shit dude
sorry I killed your son
I don’t have any gold right now
but if I did, I’d totally give it to you for your son.
And the dwarf’s goldlust is SO POWERFUL
that even IMAGINARY GOLD gets his dick hard
so he’s like I like your style, dude
come live in my secret castle.

They live in the castle for a while
and kill a lot of orcs while living there
but there’s a problem:
when Bereg hooked up with Turin, he brought him a special hat
that I think Turin’s dad used to own or something
so Turin puts it on
and likes it so much that he gives himself ANOTHER NAME:
Gorthol, which means “Cool hat”
This would be totally fine
except some of Morgoth’s dudes recognize the hat and tell him about it
and Morgoth is like OH SHIT THAT’S TURIN
GONNA SEND ALL MY SPIES THERE
so the spies capture the dwarf whose house Turin’s living in
all like LET US INTO YOUR SECRET CASTLE TO KILL TURIN
and the dwarf is like yeah fuck those guys
so orcs kill everybody
except Bereg, who is just unconscious
and Turin, who they capture and drag away.
Then Bereg wakes up like AW HELLS NO
and he picks up his magic sword and his rad bow
and chases him some orcs.

Here’s what you should know about Bereg’s magic sword:
it’s called Anglachel
it’s made of black iron from a fallen star
forged by a dark elf who hates everybody
and only gave the sword away because he had to
and the sword is cursed to eventually kill whoever wields it.
Why anyone would choose to wield this sword is a TOTAL MYSTERY
but there you go.

So Bereg tracks down the orcs
and in the process he hooks up with an elf named Gwindor
who just escaped from Morgoth’s mines
and is honestly pretty useless.
Then Bereg sneaks into the orc camp in the middle of the night
gets Turin
brings him to the woods
and cuts his bonds off with that evil sword
which accidentally stabs Turin, waking him up
and Turin is like OH SHIT GOBLINS
and grabs the sword
and STABS BEREG’S FACE
then he finishes waking up and he’s like aww man
now I really can’t go back to Thingol’s place.

But Gwindor is like no worries buddy
you seem like an ok dude
come crash at the hidden city of Nargothrond, where I’m from
and Turin is like I THINK I WILL
BUT FIRST
GOTTA CHANGE MY NAME
Hmm, how about Agarwaen, son of Umarth
(it means bloodface, son of shitty-dad
watch his names get worse over time)

Nargothrond has survived centuries of war with morgoth at this point
for one simple reason:
nobody can fucking find it
but luckily Turin is here now, and that can all stop
Turin proposes a new strategy:
no stealth
stab everyone
and all the elves are like I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR MILITARY CREDENTIALS
BUT YOU SURE ARE SEXY
LET’S DOOOO ITTTTT

While this is going on, Turin also manages to steal Gwindor’s girlfriend
and Gwindor retaliates by telling everyone his real name
so Turin is like Great job, asshole, now I need a NEW NAME
FROM NOW ON, CALL ME MORMEGIL, THE BLACK BLADE
(it’s actually the most sensible name he’s come up with
since he still has that sword he used to stab Bereg
and that sword is black
ALSO CURSED TO SLAY IT’S WIELDER BUT I’M SURE THAT WON’T MATTER)

So Turin kills a lot of dudes with his evil sword
but then some elves show up at Nargothrond like Hey guys
there’s a whole bunch of doom on the way here
you should probably hide in your invisible fortress so as not to get any on you
and Turin is like GUYS
WHOSE ADVICE ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO?
SOME PANSY-ASS ELVES
OR MORMEGIL
THE BLACK BLADE
and everyone is like Black Blade obviously
so instead of doing the smart thing and hiding
they charge head first towards the incoming orcs and dragons

hold up, did I type “dragons”?
Yes I did.
Glaurung the magic dragon is leading the charge
he is fully grown and full of magic hate juice
he kills pretty much everyone
then runs past everyone else and into Nargothrond
which is conveniently accessible because of a bridge Turin made them build
and then when Turin finally shows up to stop them
Glaurung is like Hey bro
look at me
stop yelling for a second and just look at me
LOOK AT ME
Okay.
Now, you’ve been being kind of a huge dick for the past …
your entire life
You stabbed Bereg
You stole Gwindon’s girlfriend
(who I am now totally stealing btw)
also Nargothrond is dead and it’s your fault
but luckily your mom and your sister are still safe at home
OR ARE THEY??
BETTER GO CHECK
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE ORCS WHO ARE KIDNAPPING ALL THE CIVILIANS HERE
GO GO GO
and Turin goes
due to a combination of dragon hypnosis
and the fact that Glaurung is pretty spot on with his argument.

So Turin goes all the way to the town where he was born
but Morwen and Nienor are gone
they went to Thingol’s place to find HIM
so he gets mad and stabs everybody in town
then he finds some random dudes and joins their town
and you know what else he does?
I’ll give you a hint:
HE CHANGES HIS FUCKING NAME
oh shit that wasn’t a hint that was just the answer.
His new name is Turambar
MASTER OF DOOM
(okay forget what I said about his names getting dumber
that one is sick
he should have stared with that one and just stuck with it)

Meanwhile Morwen and Nienor hear that Nargothrond got took by dragons
and that the dude everyone’s been calling Mormegil was actually Turin
and that he’s probably dead
so Morwen is like IMA GO FIND HIM
and Nienor is like NOT WITHOUT MY COMPLETELY USELESS ASS YOU AREN’T
so they go together
along with a bunch of elves who are constantly trying to stop them
but that doesn’t work
instead they all get lost in a fog
Morwen is killed when her horse runs into a tree
and Glaurung the dragon gives Nienor retrograde amnesia by staring at her.
Some of the elves take care of her for a while
but then she takes off all her clothes and runs away.

AND GUESS WHO FINDS HER?
Obviously Turambar, MASTER OF DOOM.
He teaches her how to talk
which leads to a My Fair Lady type scenario
and since nobody knows who anybody is, they get married
because I’m sure you were all wondering how Tolkien could write a myth without incest
and then Turin starts stabbing orcs with his black sword again
which is a great way to let Glaurung know where he is
so here comes Glaurung again

but it’s okay
Turin just finds Glaurung and stabs him in the gut
but then passes out because of too much evil
and then Nienor shows up like oh no my husband is dead
and Glaurung uses his dying breah to be like No he’s not dead
you know what he IS, though?
YOUR BROTHER!
BOOM!
Then Glaurung dies
and Nienor jumps off a cliff.

Then Turin wakes up
and one of his bros is like dude
I think you married your sister and got her pregnant
and she DEFINITELY just killed herself
and Turin is like BULLSHIT
but then some elves from Thingol’s place show up
and Turin’s like oh thank god you’re here
where’s my sister
and they’re like I dunno dude I thought you had her
and Turin is like FUCK.

So he runs off into the woods
and he pulls out his evil black sword
and he’s like hey sword, wanna stab me real quick?
and the sword is like yeah duh.

SO, FINAL SCORE:
TOTAL NUMBER OF NAMES: SIX
TOTAL NUMBER OF FRIENDS/FAMILY MEMBERS DEAD/IMPREGNATED: ALL
TOTAL NUMBER OF THINGS SUCCEEDED AT: ZERO
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS ONLY USE GUNS
THEY ARE LESS OFTEN CURSED.

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The Silmarillion: Five Battles is TOO MANY BATTLES

So I figured it out
I figured out why the war with Morgoth is so slow
think about it
elves are immortal
if nobody stabs them
they don’t die
EVER
so the only time a battle ever happens
is when a bunch of elves gets tired of living
which seems to happen like once every two or three hundred years

anyway, Morgoth has just busted the siege the elves were laying
by shooting a hot ball of sharp jizzy death out of his fortress
and now there’s werewolves and shit everywhere
and even minus one Silmaril, Morgoth is looking PRETTY THREATENING
so finally Maedhros
who has more reason to hate Morgoth than most
because he had to CUT OFF HIS OWN HAND to escape Morgoth’s torture
is like FUCK THIS
WE NEED TO MAKE AN ARMY AND FUCKING KILL THIS DUDE
IT WILL BE SO MUCH MORE AWESOME TO BE IMMORTAL
ONCE WE DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS GUY EVERY CENTURY OR TWO

so he goes around convincing elves to join his army
but here’s the problem
Maedhros is one of Feanor’s kids
and everyone is still pissed at Feanor for the whole boat burning thing
so almost all of the elves are sworn not to help Maedhros
and those who aren’t
are either pissed off at Maedhros for demanding the Silmaril from them
or unwilling to help because they live in Turgon’s secret base.
But he’s still got Fingon, high king of the Noldor
plus all the Dwarves
and most of the humans
and when they’re on their way to stomp Morgoth
Turgon changes his mind and sends all his dudes to come help too
plus they’ve got a great plan
where Fingon draws out Morgoth’s forces
and then Maedhros comes up and takes those forces from behind
in a classic surprise-butt-fuck I mean pincer maneuver
so all in all it’s not looking too bad.

Here’s the problem though:
there’s still like another hundred pages in this book
and shit has to get way worse before it’s over.
Morgoth finds out about the plan
so he mind controls a bunch of shitty humans from the east side
to come west and join the army against him
just so they can betray it.
They do this in several stages:

STAGE ONE:
Some shitty dude named Uldor the Accursed
(why would you let a dude with that name in your army?)
goes to Maedhros like DUDE
SLOW DOWN
GRAB THE WALL
MORGOTH’S ON HIS WAY TO MAKE YOUR ASS FALL OFF
and Maedhros does indeed slow down
which means Fingon is left holding his dick in front of Morgoth’s fortress
waiting for his bro to show up for the pincer maneuver

STAGE TWO:
Morgoth sends a portion of his force out to taunt Fingon
they march out and stand just downhill from the allied army
waving their butts and being totally rude
but Fingon is like guys
we’re up on a hill
if they wanna attack us up on the hill we will RUIN them
don’t look at their rude butts
just stay cool.
But then the orcs send a couple of dudes up the hill
like OH HAI THERE
WE HAVE A PRISONER OF YOURS
WATCH WHILE WE TAKE OFF ALL HIS ARMS AND LEGS
DOES THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY?
And the brother of the dude they are dismembering
is like WHY YES IT DOES
CHAAAAAAAARGE
and all the elves are like oh shit are we charging now?
ok
and then BATTLE IS HAPPENING

STAGE 3:
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
The elves are doing awesome in the battle
their swords are mad shiny and that is an advantage
but then all of a sudden
some of those shitty humans start stabbing the wrong people
and the elves and dwarves and other humans are like WTF
NO TEAMKILLING

But it’s too late
the team gets slaughtered
Morgoth wins
and all that’s left are Turgon’s guys from the secret base
who are trying to hold a mountain pass
along with some humans
and the humans are like DUDE JUST LEAVE
and Turgon’s like NO I’M NOT GONNA LEAVE
and the humans are like THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SECRET BASE IS
YOU CAN TOTALLY HIDE THERE AND BE FINE
and Turgon is like oh yeah ok
totally leaving.

So he leaves
and all the humans die
and then the orcs take all the corpses from the battle
and just make a big ol huge pile of corpses
so big as to be visible from the remaining elf lands.
it makes the elves really sad
and the orcs are actually kind of creeped out by it too
to the point that none of them walk there ever again
but then some grass grows on it
and it actually ends up being the nicest place in Morgoth’s territory

so the moral of the story
is that when life gives you corpses
make landscaping decisions.

TO BE CONTINUED
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY)

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Beren and Luthien Write a Bad Romance

yeah it’s sunday
I was doing a thing yesterday so just be cool
currently I am reading the Journey to the West
but as it is over A THOUSAND PAGES LONG
it’s going to take me a while to read it, digest it, and then shit it back out for you
so in the meantime, let’s return to an old favorite
THE SILMARILLION

Okay so I know it’s been a while since we dipped into JRR Tolkien’s Bucket O’ Names
so let me get y’all back up to speed
basically a long time ago some gods were having a sweet jam sesh
and one of them (Melkor) started showboating too hard on his celestial axe
and he fucked it up for everyone and then turned evil
everybody else went to live in the song they wrote
where they found a bunch of elves
and also some fancy jewels (the Silmarils)
Melkor stole all the jewels and then changed his name to Morgoth
the elves (lead by a dude named Feanor) all tried to kill him for it
but ended up killing each other instead for a while
and finally pitched all their tents right around Morgoth’s evil fortress for five centuries
while everyone waited for humans to arrive

yeah, I think that about sums up the story so far
wow, why does this book have so many pages in it
seriously, people should hire me to make their dumb books shorter
oh holy shit
that’s actually my job

ANYWAY
after five hundred years of doing diddly shit
Melkor randomly decides that today is the day for global apocalypse
he accomplishes this by making his mountain lair vomit a literal torrent of fire
with a million baalrogs and werewolves surfing on top of it
FUCKING WEREWOLVES
also a dragon
this is known as the Battle of Sudden Flame
even though it lasts at least a year
and also it’s not so much a battle as a natural disaster with swords sticking out of it
here is a song by Blind Guardian called The Battle of Sudden Flame
here is a song that actually captures the essence of the battle of sudden flame
(listen to that while you read the rest of this myth
it will make it so much radder)

so by perpetrating this epic guitar solo all across the faces of every sentient being on the planet
Morgoth accomplishes a couple things:
one: he proves once and for all that he is strictly more metal than anyone else in the universe
two: he kills most of the elves and pretty much all the humans
three: he totally blows his wad too soon, setting the stage for his eventual destruction
but that destruction is still way, WAY eventual
in the meantime, let’s focus on the plight of one specific dude who got caught in this literal crossfire
his name is Beren

Beren is the last surviving member of a group of humans
the rest of whom have been butchered mercilessly by orcs
so he mans up (get it? because he’s human) and takes his family’s fate into his hands
by assassinating the orc’s leader
and stealing back his dad’s severed hand
because oh yeah
watching your whole family get murdered in front of you makes you kind of crazy

then he makes himself all the way crazy
by fighting his way through some impossibly evil woods
which is why nobody is surprised when he comes out the other side
and starts hallucinating a hot goddess chick in the middle of the woods
except it turns out it’s not a hallucination
it’s Luthien
and she is actually a goddess chick
and Beren is so taken with her / fucking insane
that he chases her through the woods for weeks
Apollo-and-Daphne style
except instead of turning into a tree
Luthien is finally like okay fine let’s bone

they actually turn out to be pretty compatible
and everything would have turned out awesome after that
except some dumb poet happens to have a crush on Luthien too
and he sees her banging Beren
and runs and tells Thingol
whose secret kingdom is almost totally unharmed
his strategy of telling everyone to fuck off has apparently worked out pretty well

So because there seems to be about 1 chick for every 5 guys in the story
Thingol is ALSO really pissed at Beren for banging Luthien
despite the fact that Thingol is MARRIED
AND the fact that he found is wife Melian in LIKE THE EXACT SAME WAY
so he summons Beren and Luthien to his court
and he’s like okay dude
you can marry Luthien
IF YOU BRING ME A SILMARIL FROM THE CROWN OF MORGOTH HIMSELF
and Beren
who, remember, left the tattered rags of his sanity hanging on the gnarled limbs of some awful tree
is like PSH
IS THAT ALL?
ONE SILMARIL
COMING RIGHT UP

So he runs off to steal part of Fantasy Satan’s hat
but Morgoth’s best bro Sauron is totally ready for him
he catches him and puts him in a hole
along with all the elves he brought with him
bummer

meanwhile, back at Thingol’s court
everyone is trying to have sex with Luthien
but she is having none of it
instead she steals some guy’s dog
which actually happens to be HUAN, THE DOG OF HEAVEN
and they go to rescue Beren from his hole

Huan is like the best dog ever
he’s huge and pretty much invincible
because there is a prophecy that he can only be killed by the BIGGEST WOLF EVER
so they show up to Sauron’s camp and start chewing faces
and Sauron
(who is a wizard and can turn into whatever he wants)
turns into the biggest werewolf he can think of
(because everybody seems to know this prophecy about Huan)
and tries to take Huan down
but obviously Sauron is a fake-ass werewolf
so Huan almost kills him
but then they let him go for some reason
and he turns into a VAMPIRE and flies away
proving once and for all that all of Middle Earth
is just a really elaborate Underworld fanfic

So Luthien digs Beren out of his hole
and Beren is like GREAT, I’M FREE
TIME TO GO GET THAT SILMARIL
and Luthien is like god dammit
I didn’t just save your life so you could commit suicide
we could just go somewhere and bang forever
we don’t have to get married
and i’m not even sure what claim Thingol has over me
because I haven’t been paying very close attention to the genealogy
and Beren is like WOMAN
A DEAL’S A DEAL
and Luthien is like ok fine but I’m going with you

so they cut open some werewolves and wear their skins as a disguise
and Huan leaves because fuck this
and then they simply walk into Mordor
I mean morgoth’s lair
like for real, they stroll straight into Morgoth’s throneroom
put him to sleep with magic
and then start prying jewels out of his crown
(by the way
Morgoth can’t touch the jewels because he’s evil
so he put them in this crown he wears
but they make the crown super heavy
and don’t give him any special powers
and i have no idea why he does this)

they try to take more than one jewel
but they’re using a cheap-ass knife, so it breaks
and then they freak out and run
and they get all the way to the front door
when this huge werewolf jumps in front of them
the biggest one in the world
and Beren holds up the silmaril like STAND BACK EVIL CREATURE
and the wolf is like FUCK YOUR JEWELRY
and straight bites off Beren’s hand
jewel and all
thus turning Beren into a weak-ass ripoff of Tyr

but see
if Morgoth can’t even touch the jewels without serious pain
what do you think happens when a lesser evil creature INGESTS ONE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS
HE TURNS INTO AN UNSTOPPABLE MURDER MACHINE
DEBONING AND EVISCERATING EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH
why doesn’t Morgoth just feed all his silmarils to his minions
seems like a pretty good strategy

so Beren recovers from his wounds
changes his name twice
(but everyone still calls him Beren though
it’s sort of like what happened with Prince)
and he goes back to thingol like sup
i’ma marry Luthien now, ok?
and Thingol is like did you do what I said to do?
and Beren is like yeah
the silmaril is in my hand right now
HAHA PRANKED
MY HAND IS INSIDE AN UNSTOPPABLE WEREWOLF
WHO IS ON HIS WAY HERE RIGHT NOW TO DESTROY YOU
MAN I AM SO CRAZY WHAT WILL I DO NEXT
and Thingol is like okay well
go ahead and marry Luthien I guess
we’re all gonna die anyway

but they’re not gonna go down without a fight
they track down the werewolf and surround it
and Huan tackles that bastard and rips it up
but not before receiving mortal wounds
because, you know, prophecy
and then they cut the silmaril out of the wolf’s stomach
and … now they have a shiny thing!
yay?

anyway then Beren dies for some reason
and Luthien gets to choose between being immortal in Valinor
or bringing him back to life and being a mortal
so obviously she chooses the shittier option
and the two of them get to live out their marital bliss
in the single worst epoch Middle Earth has ever experienced

so the moral of the story
is if you are the only woman in a sea of men
you can probably afford to shop around a bit
you don’t have to marry the first deranged sword guy who chases you down in the woods

TO BE CONTINUED

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The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

Okay so where were we?
Oh yeah
some chick was wandering around
sleeping with creepy goth forest dudes
and then everybody got murdered with poison spears
In other words
all the elves are busy being horny goddamn drama queens
while Morgoth is up in his hell castle amassing orcs
it’s sort of like when Alexander Great killed all those dudes that one time
by fake-attacking them every day for like six months
until finally they stopped taking it seriously and he attacked them
except instead of like six months
Morgoth has been playing this high-stakes game of I’m-not-touching you
for like FIVE HUNDRED YEARS
so naturally the elves are pretty bored
and one of the ways they try to relieve their boredom
is by going out into the forest and murdering animals

BUT HERE’S THE FUCKED UP PART:
The elves are so bored
that they even get bored
OF THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED
so one day one of them wanders away from his hunting party
(Finrod Felagund, if you like names)
and stumbles upon a bunch of HUMANS
and he’s like what the balls
who are all these pink fleshy problem machines
sitting around campfires and beatboxing all night long
they seem pretty chill, i’ma go see what’s up

so in true creeper fashion
Felagund waits until they’re all asleep
and then he goes down to the campsite
and picks up somebody’s electric guitar
and just starts jamming out SO HARD
that everybody in camp is pretty sure they’re still asleep
and jimi hendrix is just straight molesting their dreams
and Felagund isn’t just jamming
he’s also singing
he is singing what basically amounts to a recap of the story so far
so all the men are like “oh damn
so that’s what’s been going on while we’ve been busy being dumb with the dark elves”
see, these men are from the east side
and they have come to the west side, where the elves are
because they heard that this might be where valinor is at
in fact they immediately assume Felagund is one of the Valar
but Felagund is like no guys
I’m just a regular dude
except way
way
better
(stupid elf!
when someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes!)

so men are like “aww
that’s disappointing
but we’re still down to receive wisdom if you got any”
and Felagund is like “sure”
and he spends a bunch of time teaching them shit
and then other dudes show up
and a lot of them become huge elf fanboys
probably because Felagund’s “wisdom” is actually pro-elf propaganda
which means that the best aspiration a lot of humans can think of
is to go enslave themselves to the elves
the other reason they do this
is that King Thingol of the Elves
(whose main job in this story
is telling people to get off his lawn)
is like NAW
NO HUMANS IN MY CRIB
and so the only way humans can hang out in elf land
is by being servants

so they do that
and more humans keep showing up
and the humans and the elves become great pals
despite the fact that Thingol’s sort of a dick
and Morgoth is all FRIENDSHIP?!!
SHIT
so he runs over to the human city
and he transforms himself into one of the important human dudes
and he’s like GUYS
LISTEN UP:
We came to the west side looking for the gods, right?
well how many gods did we find?
THAT’S RIGHT
ONE
WHICH ONE, YOU ASK?
WHY, ONLY MORGOTH, LORD OF HATE
My friends
if you are only going to find one god
Morgoth is LITERALLY THE WORST GOD YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND
Guys, fuck this
let’s go home

so a lot of the humans are like YEAH
but then the guy who Morgoth was pretending to be shows up
and everyone’s like GREAT SPEECH DUDE
and he’s like what?
what speech?
MORGOTH!!!!
and Morgoth’s like HAHA YOU GOT ME
FUCK YOUUUUUUU
and then he runs away
(fun fact guys:
the word FUCK was the six hundred and sixty-sixth word in this myth
FIVE HUNDRED MYTHS AND I’M STILL ON TOP BABY)

so after that
a lot of the humans are understandably pissed at morgoth
but a lot of the other humans are like damn
shit is getting way to real for us up here
later, guys
and they go south and stop being a part of this story
which is probably the smartest decision anyone has made so far
and meanwhile the rest of humanity settles down
to the noble business
of choking on elf-dick for a couple centuries

so the moral of the story
is that you should start practicing some scales
cause if you solo hard enough for a bunch of humans
they will become your SLAVES

the end

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Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
was almost FORTY PERCENT PROPER NOUNS
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name
I GUESS

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Turgon is like NAH BITCH NOBODY EVER LEAVES
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole

so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
THROUGH THE HAUNTED WOODS
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
in MORE HAUNTED WOODS
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
and is like DING DONG DIGGITY DAMN
I WANNA PUT MY DING DONG IN THAT DIGGITY DAME
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
and Eol is like I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNTED FOREST
ALSO MY SON
I WANT THEM BACK
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
NO ONE EVER LEAVES
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
Aredhel
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
WHO POISONS THEIR SPEAR WHEN THEY’RE HANGING OUT IN A SECRET BASE?
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SAVING ME
CURSES FOREVER
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods

TO BE CONTINUED

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