Okay so Saint Patrick’s day just happened two weeks in a row
or maybe I’m just seeing double
or experiencing holidays in double
the point is i’ve finally sobered up
and I feel like it’s high time I did another celtic myth

This story is about a dude called Lugh the Long Handed
I talked about him before a long time ago
he’s good at everything
and he probably fingerbangs like a pro thumb wrestler
but today we’re gonna walk it back a little bit
and talk about how dude gets born
THE STORY WILL FEEL SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR

So Balor of the Evil Eye is a sack of shit
He got a death potion in his eye when he was little
because his dad was cooking meth without proper ventilation
and now whenever he gives someone the stink eye
the stink levels are straight lethal
so he actually has his eyelid pierced
with an ivory hoop
and it keeps his eye closed all the time
and whenever he wants to kill someone
one of his bros has to lift the ring
sort of like cyclops from the X-Men
but infinitely more of an asshole

Balor owns a glass tower on an island
plus a bunch of other shit
all of which used to belong to other people
because when you can stare death at people at will
you can kind of take whatever the fuck you want
so Balor is cruising around in his boat
aiming to become Ireland’s next top dick chef
when he runs up on a druid
and the druid is like “hey dude
you’re gonna die”
and Balor is like “NUH UH”
and the druid is like “yuh huh
but it’s okay
you’re gonna die by your grandson’s hand
and your grandson isn’t even born yet
so you’ve got a while.”
and Balor is like “A while, eh?
How about FOREVER”
and the druid is like “uhhhh good luck???”

So Balor does the usual thing
he chucks his daughter Ethlinn in the glass tower
along with twelve handmaidens
whose job is to keep Ethlinn from ever even knowing what a dick is
this plan
if the Greeks have taught us anything
is extremely solid and has no flaws.

Irish mythology is different from Greek shit though
because there aren’t a bunch of dieties swinging dick all over the sky
Plus Ethlinn is in a glass tower with handmaidens
and not an open-roofed trash hut with NO ONE
so security is significantly tighter
but what Balor gains in security
he makes up for in being an asshole

See, Balor basically takes his daughter’s imprisonment
as a “never-gonna-die-forever” pass
so he just goes on stealing shit and killing people
with no fear of repercussion
and it seems like he’ll just be able to pull this shit off forever
WHEN SUDDENLY
A COW GETS INVOLVED

Basically there are these 3 brothers
Goibniu, Samthainn, and Cian
Cian is going to be the main guy
because his name is by far the easiest to spell
and also because he owns the cow in question
this cow is so special it has a fucking name
and not Bessie or Udders McGee
but THE GLAS GIABHENN
and what’s so special about this cow?
she … gives milk
but like
all the time though
whole gallons of the stuff, for real.
You never know what peole will be impressed by in these stories
like on the one hand
you have a dude who can kill people with his eye
on the other hand
you have a cow that gives milk
it’s a mixed bag.

So apparently most irish cows are just udder garbage
because EVERYBODY wants this magical milk-giving cow
but only one person can have her
because of capitalism
of course Balor the Buttlord thinks the owner should be him
so he’s just waiting for his chance to jack that beef

one day he gets his chance
when Cian and Samthainn go to Giobniu’s place
because Giobniu is a smith and they all need swords
but Giobniu isn’t running a fucking charity
his forge is strictly BYOS
(Bring Your Own Steel. Common smithing acronym)
so Cian and Samthainn have both brought some steel
and Cian has also brought along his cow
because he can’t just leave the cow unattended
there are not a lot of anti-theft measures that work on cows
like you can’t just lock a club through its steering column
because only boy cows can be steers

ANYWAY
Cian goes inside to talk to Giobniu
and he leaves Samthainn outside to watch the cow
which is when Balor Blundercock decides to but his ass in
he disguises himself using SHAPESHIFTING MAGIC
which I GUESS HE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME???
what the fuck
Balor has a save-or-die eyeball effect AND shapeshifting?
Nerf Balor

oh but I guess it’s okay
because he just turns into a little redheaded boy
not a dragon or an ogre or a wizard or anything
and then he goes up to Samthainn and he’s like “yo man
I just heard your brothers totally dissing on you
they said you were a sucker chump
and they were gonna use all your steel to make themselves swords
and then make YOU a sword out of crappy iron”
and Samthainn is like “OH SHIT GOTTA GO INTERFERE
HERE, TOTAL STRANGER
TAKE HOLD OF THIS COW EVERYBODY WANTS”
and then he runs inside
and Cian is like “WHAT THE FUCK WHO’S WATCHING THE COW?”
and Samthainn is like “Oh just some trustworthy young lad”
and Cian runs outside
just in time to see Balor Ballsfiend run off with the cow
and Cian palms his face so hard it comes off
and Giobniu has to smith it back on.

Now Cian is pissed
like, he doesn’t even want the cow back
the cow was really just a regular cow
but he’s gotta fuck with Balor’s shit somehow
so first he goes to a druid to ask what to do
and the druid is like “Balor can’t be killed
except by his grandson”
and Cian is like “Ok…”
and the druid is like “Yeah”
and Cian is like “Anything else?”
and the druid is like “Uh not really”
and Cian is like “fuck this I’ma talk to a lady druid.”
so he goes and finds a lady druid named Birog
OF THE MOUNTAIN
and she’s like “Oh I can TOTALLY help you fuck with Balor’s shit
and what better shit to fuck with
than his daughter???”
And Cian is like “You mean I get to fulfill a prophecy
AND piss off Balor
AND get laid, all at the same time?
SIGN
ME
THE
FUCK
UP”

So Birog dresses Cian in drag
and then uses wind powers to teleport them to Balor’s island
and tells all the handmaidens “yo this is a queen
she’s one of the Tuatha de Danaan
who are all magic as fuuuuck
and she’s looking for a place to lay low for a while
can you hook her up?”
and the handmaidens know better than to fuck with the Tuatha de
so they let them in
and then Birog knocks them all out with magic
and then Cian goes up to Ethlinn’s room
and Ethlinn is like “OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN”
and they fuck pretty hard
but then Cian is like “lol i was really just here to prank your dad
bye”
and then Birog uses the wind to whisk him away again
leaving Ethlinn pregnant in her dad’s glass castle

This is a bad place to be pregnant
because as soon as she gives birth to the baby
her dad is like “Noooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyy
and drowning babies isn’t like a big step for him
so he just has some people take the baby to be drowned
but they put the baby in a really shitty bag
and he falls out into the water too early
and everybody’s like “ah it’s probably fine
babies are terrible swimmers
it’s one of a long list of things they are terrible at
honestly why do we even put up with babies
babies are great if you like
need a bunch of shit on your hands
but you’re too impatient to wait for your own shit
I can think of literally no other application for babies.”
then they all go home and get hammered

BUT THE BABY SURVIVES
MOSTLY DUE TO BIROG’S WIND MAGIC
so she brings the baby to Cian
and Cian is like “what is this?
a baby?
nope
don’t want it”
and he gives it to some lady named Taillte to raise
and that baby’s name is Lugh
and he grows up to be good at everything
but that’s a story for another time

the moral of the story
is if some dude steals your cow
revenge-fuck his daughter.
you know
an eye for an eye.

The end.