Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

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So as those of you with eyes and attention spans may already know
we just got finished with a video retelling of the book of Exodus
next up is gonna be Dante’s Inferno
but there’s gonna have to be a little lag time unfortunately
because I am still incapable of speech
and I don’t have access to Dante Alighieri’s agents
so i can’t get him to do it
and then … it’s not set in stone yet
but it looks like I’m going to be doing Candide after that
assuming people give me a little more money
(which you guys are actually doing at a pretty alarming rate
so good job)
anyway you should make sure to check out the site on valentine’s day
cause i have something special planned
oh also today’s myth was suggested
by international crimefighter KIRI JUSTICE

Alright so there’s this chick Natasha right

She lives in bumfuck nowhere Russia
Which is where most people in Russia seem to live
Just judging by the stories I’ve heard
Not a whole lot of actual PLACES in Russia it seems like
Anyway this chick lives with her dad
And they’re doing pretty ok
Some serious father-daughter bonding shit going on
Seeing as Natasha’s mom is DEAD
It is all extremely fucking heartwearming

UNTIL ONE DAY THIS FATHER UP AND MARRIES SOME NEW CHICK
My friends
What is it about stepmothers
And being the worst ever?
It seems like pretty much a prerequisite for being a stepmother
Is that you have to suck pretty much as hard as possible
At all times
Is there like
a training course?
When widowed dudes are looking to get remarried
Is it like adopting a kid
Where you have to contact the stepmother agency
And they dispatch a wretched bitch to ruin the lives of your children?
ADDITIONALLY
what is this father
some kind of ultimate retard?
doesn’t he know about stepmothers?
and even if for some reason we excuse him for THAT lack of foresight
i guess this chick must have mastered the seven deadly vagina tricks
because he is COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE SHIT
THAT HIS DAUGHTER JUSTIFIABLY SAYS ABOUT THIS EVIL BITCH
like how the stepmother has decided oh
yeah
my stepdaughter doesn’t get to eat human food now
just breadcrusts and distilled sadness ichor
and she has to do all the cooking and cleaning
and must be beaten constantly because she is the cause of all our problems
GUYS
WHAT PROBLEMS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE SUFFERING FROM PROBLEMS
IS THE DAUGHTER WHO IS BEING BLAMED FOR THEM
THIS RUSE IS SO TRANSPARENT
THAT IF SOMEONE WORE IT TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS
THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE FUCKING SCANDAL ALL OVER THE PLACE
and meanwhile the father is like durr uh sure
abuse my daugher as much as you want
just as long as where your vagina ends up at the end of the day
is on my penis

so this continues for a while
until the stepmother decides to try and push her luck
ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OFF A CLIFF
she’s like hm abusing this young child is nice and all
but what would be even sweeter
is if she was DEAD
OH LITTLE CHILD
and natasha shows up like what the fuck do you want now
and the stepmother is like i want you to go see my sister
you know
THE CHILD-EATING WITCH BABA YAGA
I need a needle and thread and I hear she has one of those
and natasha is like seriously?
there is a needle and thread right here
and the stepmother is like DON’T FUCK WITH ME GO DIE
and natasha is like shit ok i guess
and she packs up some like moldy bread and scraps of meat and cheese
in a handkerchief
and she sets off into the forest
to go get eaten

so after following her stepmothers’ shitty magical directions
for HOURS
Natasha finally arrives at Baba Yaga’s house
which
by the way
HAS LEGS
CHICKEN LEGS
and walks around the yard
kind of being imposing
so Natasha goes up to the gate
and she opens it
and it’s SUPER SQUEAKY
but luckily there is some oil right there
and so natasha fixes that problem
and then she gets into the yard
and one of Baba Yaga’s servants is crying her face off
and natasha is like good thing I have this handkerchief
so she takes all her food out of the handkerchief
and gives the sadrag to the servant
who is like oh snap thanks
and then there’s a dog
chewing on a shitty worthless bone
and natasha is like WELP I’VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY HALF MY POSESSIONS
MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS DOG SOME MEAT
and the dog seems pretty happy with this

so then Natasha finally gets into the actual house
somehow
the story does not say how she manages to board a mobile chickenhouse
but anyway she does
and there’s Baba Yaga
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
anyway Baba Yaga is like what up bitch
and Natasha is like my shitty stepmother wants a needle and thread
and Baba Yaga is like oh you mean she wants me to eat you
I understand
just wait here for a second while I prepare to eat you
you can work the loom in the meantime
in fact you fucking better or I will dispense with this entire charade
and just eat you immediately
and Natasha is like sure i guess
and she starts weaving
HONESTLY WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER GOING TO BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
WHY NOT GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND JUST CHILL FOR A WHILE
AND THEN COME BACK HOME LIKE BOY
THAT SURE WAS SCARY
WHAT’S HER STEPMOTHER GONNA DO THEN?
EAT HER?
anyway Natasha is weaving

so Baba Yaga goes to her servant like hey
make a super hot bath for this chick
SO I CAN BOIL HER IN IT
and the servant is not too jazzed about this
so she proceeds to fill the bathtup
using a fucking sieve
such that she is making very little progress at all
and meanwhile natasha is still weaving
and she sees a cat
just staring at this fucking mousehole
and she is like shit that cat must really want to murder a mouse
good thing I have all this shitty cheese
so she gives the cheese to the cat
and the cat just eats it
i guess the cat was not very intent on killing any mice
and then the cat is like thanks girl
and instead of being like HOLY FUCK A TALKING CAT
Natasha acts like this is a thing cats normally do
and is like hey cat what’s good
and the cat is like i bet you want to not get eaten huh
and Natasha is like that is a correct assessment
and the cat is like here’s what you do
you see that towel and that comb over there by the bathtub?
just grab that shit and run
and when Baba Yaga gets close to you just throw that towel behind you
and it will turn into a river
and then later throw the comb behind you
and it will turn into a forest
honestly I dunno why she keeps this shit in her house
but there it is
use it to your advantage
and natasha is like but shit
if I stop weaving
Baba Yaga will immediately know i am not here
and she’ll just fuck me up for serious
and the cat is like don’t worry i got that shit covered
I am a cat that can talk
it follows that I am also a cat that can operate a loom
and natasha is like yeah that’s about as reasonable as everything else

so the cat hops on the loom
and honestly
it is pretty shitty at looming
just tangling the fuck out of the deathbeanie
instigating some tantric motherfucking knots up in this bitch
and meanwhile Natasha jacks the towel and the comb
and gets the fuck out of the chickenhouse
and she gets to the yard
and the dog is about to just fucking rip her up
and then it’s like wait a second
you’re the chick that gave me meat earlier
it would be discourteous of me to maul you
carry on
and then she gets to the gate
which of course makes no noise at all because of the oil
and then she starts running

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SHITTY WALKING HOUSE
Baba Yaga comes out to murder Natasha
only to find that not only is Natasha not there
but her weaving project is BEYOND RUINED
and she is like dammit cat
what the fuck
and the cat is like hey bitch maybe you should try feeding me some time
and Baba Yaga is like fuck you
and servant girl why the fuck did you take so long to make the bath
and the servant girl is like maybe you should try paying me?
and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HER
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH

so at this point Baba Yaga realizes
that she can either argue with animals and inanimate objects
or fucking kill Natasha
so she gets on her magic flying mortar and pestle
which she basically operates by masturbating furiously
and takes off after Natasha
and pretty soon she catches up with her
BUT THEN NATASHA CREATES A RIVER
WHICH IS MAGIC SO BABA YAGA CAN’T CROSS IT
and baba yaga is like fuuuuuck
flies back home
gets all her cows
makes them drink the water
and then gets back on her mortar and pestle
and takes off after Natasha again
at which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FOREST
which is pretty impressive
considering i think she’s already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FOREST
and predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFOREST
so Natasha gets away
and she gets back home
and she’s like hey dad
I think you have some grounds for divorce
it’s called your wife is related to a witch
who she just tried to feed me to
oh also i mean there’s the child abuse but come on
we’re russian
we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine
and so her dad divorces ultrabitch
and he and his altruistic daughter live happily ever after
until they die during the harsh, harsh winter

so the moral of the story
is if someone tells you to go visit their evil cannibal sister
out in the middle of the forest
just stay home
otherwise you might have to be kind to animals
and who the fuck wants to do that?

The end.

I’m all out of shitty puns about EXODUS

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Still missing vital parts of my throat
but Moses kindly agreed to fill in for me again
honestly i don’t think the dude has much going on right now

pretty sure I saw him holding a sign outside of Ralph’s
it said “WILL WORK MIRACLES FOR FOOD”

PS: Currently making shirt stencils in this order:
– NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART
– DWARVES DRINKING MY BLOOD
– CROSSDRESSING
they should be ready to order in the next few days

Russia Has Fucked Up Monsters

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Alright guys I’m all twacked out on codiene right now
but it’s not really working
except that it is making me sleepy and retarded
so what I think is happening
is I am living in a magical kingdom
where things only have negative side effects
anyway here’s a myth suggested by this dude Ryan
let’s see if my fingers work

so there’s this fucking seminary right

(one of my favorite things about having this blog
is I get to routinely use words like fucking and seminary
IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE)
anyway there are all of these jackasses who go to school there
seriously none of them are quality people
basically the older they get
the more shitfaced they get as a matter of course
and they basically just spend most of their time
beating the shit out of each other
and stealing food from the locals
THIS IS CLASS A EDUCATION MY FRIENDS

anyway everybody’s favorite time of year
seeing as there is pretty much nothing good
about going to seminary school
is the time of year when everybody gets to go home for summer vacation
except here’s the thing
half of these dudes don’t HAVE homes
because remember
this is russia
or actually the Ukraine
where every vector of misery is EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLORED
so what they all do
is they all get together
and they start walking down the road to fuck knows where
hitting up folks along the way
and kind of just living in their houses for as long as possible
eating the maximum possible quantity of food
drinking the maximum possible quantity of booze

so after a while the procession starts to get pretty slim
you know
when all the dudes with actual CHARISMA have found places to stay
and pretty soon it is down to just these three assholes
Thomas, Khalava and Tiberius
one thing I will say for russia:
SWEET NAMES
anyway these dudes have been walking for DAYS
and they are pretty hungry and tired
and they are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no place to sleep
and it is getting pretty late
and Khalava is like alright guys i guess we should just camp here
but Thomas
who is a douchebag
is like come on dudes I gotta get my drunk on
lets find someone who we can steal booze from
and Khalava
who is also a douchebag
and also a kleptomaniac
is like sure ok

so they wander through this fucking forest for a really long time
and finally they find this janky looking house
and an old woman comes out
like get the fuck off my lawn kids
and they are like fuck no come on
are you really gonna let us like die in the woods
and the old woman is like fuck fine
one of you can sleep in the closet
one of you can sleep on the floor
and one of you can sleep in the sheep pen
and while she is saying this Khalava has already stolen some fish
and then he forgets about it
and Thomas steals the fish from Khalava
2X STEAL COMBO

so Thomas goes to sleep in the sheep pen
after devouring the fuck out of the fish he doublestole
and maybe fifteen minutes pass when the old woman waltzes in
and starts walking towards Tomas not really saying anything
and Thomas is like whoa now granny
normally I am all for some hot geriatric loving
but i just walked a very long distance today
and i don’t quite have my sexlegs under me right now
if you catch my drift
but granny is NOT CATCHING ANY OF HIS DRIFT WHATSOEVER
she just keeps walking towards him
and then he notices
HER FUCKING EYES ARE GLOWING
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and she jumps on his back
and literally rides his ass all across the countryside
like YAH TRICK YAH
for hours and hours
til he’s super tired
and he finally thinks maybe it’d be a good idea
to start shouting every exorcism he knows
DUDE WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS EARLIER
but anyway it works
and the old woman falls off his back
and then Thomas gets on HER back
and is like WHO IS THE TRICK NOW
and beats her with a stick while she runs around
until some time around dawn she falls down from exhaustion
and then turns into a beautiful woman?

so Thomas does the only sensible thing
which is run to Kiev
and never speak of this shit again
except maybe a week or two goes by
when some messenger comes
like hey dude
this hot chick showed up at her dad’s house
dying of exhaustion
she wants you to come say prayers over her for 3 days
and Thomas is like FUCK NO
and everyone is like DO IT OR GET HIT WITH STICKS
so he finally does it
he shows up at this chick’s dad’s place
and he goes to see the body
and SURPRISE SURPRISE
IT’S THE CHICK HE BEAT TO DEATH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
although honestly this is not a surprise at all
what other hot chick is gonna know this prick’s name?
anyway now he REALLY doesn’t wanna say prayers over her
but they make him do it anyway

so the first night
he’s in this old abandoned church
just him and the body
and he’s saying prayers
and suddenly the chick sits up in her coffin
like hey dude you done fucked up
and Thomas is like SHIT SHIT FUCKBALLS
and draws a magic circle of protection around himself
so she can’t get him
at which point she decides the best course of action
is to fly around the church in her coffin
trying to scare him out of the circle
i guess flying coffins are pretty scary
i’ve seen a few in my day
but they are not scary enough
to make a dude abandon his ONE VESTIGE OF SAFETY
so that is a colossal failure
but luckily for witchtits
Thomas still has to say prayers for TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS
that’s right
it’s a motherfucking PRAYERSTRAVAGANZA UP IN THIS CHURCH
so the second night
the witch gets all her demon pals together
and they ALL start flying all the fuck around the church
but here is the problem with these demons:
THEY CANNOT SEE THOMAS FOR SOME REASON
so that’s basically worthless
and Thomas manages to escape death for another night
but there is still one more night
for this chick to get this whole unholy murder thing right

so on the last night
i guess she calls in a favor with this evil gnome king
his name is Viy
or Vij
depending on who you ask
and like what time of day it is
doesn’t really matter what his name is
what matters
is he has eyelids that reach ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR
and he can see
EVERYTHING
guys
these two traits seem contradictory
but anyway
Thomas shows up at the church for the third night in a row
i mean i’m not going to sell this dude short
he TRIES to escape
but everyone is like fuck no
it is for some reason extremely important
that you say as many prayers AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE OVER THIS FUCKING BODY
so he’s more or less boned
and they haul in this droopy-lidded motherfucker
and Thomas KNOWS he shouldn’t look at it when they lift up its eyebrows
but he does it anyway
because i mean
at this point
i think he pretty much knows he’s fucked
and he sees this really gross face basically
and then Vij is like hey demons
DEMONS
the dude is right there
he’s been standing right there the whole time
what the fuck guys
can’t you see?
you know what you guys need?
droopier eyelids

so then all the demons swarm up on Thomas
and he dies of fright or whatever
and then the story ends with his shitty friends
talking about how he totally had this coming
for no better reason than that they are assholes
and that is the kind of shit assholes say
when their friends die

so the moral of the story
is if you are looking for a place to spend the night
and your only option is a woman who is clearly a witch
consider camping as an alternative
witches are really shitty hosts is what it comes down to

alright i’m going to go cry tears of blood and hate now

THE END.

Becoming King Is Not Very Complicated

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Ok so look guys

I know you are all itching to get all up on some ADVANCED arthurian shit
Like Morgan Lefay and Sir Gallahad and Tristram and whatnot
but there are people here
as of yet UNINITIATED IN THE RIGORS OF THE CANON
whoa shit did someone just write an english paper in here
i mean anyway
what is important right now
is that we get the basics covered
because i can’t very well tell you a story about king arthur
if he isn’t even a fucking KING yet can I

Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
like what the fuck are these?
tiny hands?
GET SOME REGULAR SIZED HANDS ASSHOLE
OH YOU WANT FOOD NOW?
WHERE DID ALL THIS POOP COME FROM?
OH NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HERE COMES MILKY WHITE VOMIT
BABIES ARE BASICALLY GOD’S LITTLE BOOBY TRAPS
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
so he just appears in this dude Hector’s garden
and is like hey dude i found this baby
it’s going to need fifteen years of fatherhood
you have some fatherhood lying around right?
and Hector is like shit man let me ask my wife
and Merlin is like FUCK THIS I’M BORED
and he disappears with the baby
but PLOT TWIST
he actually just teleported it onto Hector’s wife’s tits
WHICH ARE ONLY ABOUT MAYBE TWENTY FEET AWAY
HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE NEXT ROOM
AND HANDED THE BABY TO HER
MERLIN: PERHAPS TELEPORTING TOO MUCH?
anyway Hector’s wife is pretty much fine with this
for no rational reason whatsoever
except i guess women like babies?
wait that’s not a rational reason i forgot
anyway from that day on Arthur is hector’s son I guess

or should I say SECOND son
because Hector already has a son
named Kay
which pisses me off
because it reminds me of that fucking diamond jingle
and diamonds piss me off
they are so fucking smug and expensive
and you can’t even teach them a lesson by crushing them
because GUESS WHAT THEY’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE
anyway Arthur and Kay grow up together
and Hector decides they are going to be knights
because dammit he’s a knight
and his daddy was a knight
and if you look back at his family tree
it’s KNIGHTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
so they get trained in basically every way you can murder
and Arthur is INVARIABLY BETTER at EVERYTHING
which naturally pisses Kay off
but Kay was a little bitch to begin with so it’s okay

Meanwhile Merlin is living about two miles down the street
willfully ignoring the existence of this child he stole
until fifteen years have passed
and Uther has died of Siphyllus
at which point the archbishop of canterbury calls merlin up
like yo merlin we’re kind of fucked right now
we don’t have a king anymore
and all the bastard children he fathered are basically retards
his wife isn’t even hot anymore
she got really unbelievably fat somewhere along the line
oh and also the Saxons are invading
can you hook a brother up with a king right quick
and Merlin is like I HAVE A PLAN
IT IS A PLAN I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE
IT INVOLVES TELEPORTING
so he teleports to Canterbury cathedral
and WHAM WHIZZOW KADABAZANG
makes this stone appear
with an anvil on it
and a sword in the anvil
and the archbishop is like oh well that’s cool i guess
but what’s the fucking point
and merlin is like ONLY THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE CAN TAKE OUT THE SWORD
and the archbishop is like oh sweet
well
I guess let me know when he shows up

SO WORD GETS AROUND
and pretty soon every dude who owns a chainmail cocksock is there
trying to pull out this sword
INCLUDING Arthur and Kay and Hector
although really they don’t try to pull it out immediately
because there’s prolly a huge line
and it’s really hot out
and anyway it’s a goddamn carnival of failure over there
so what’s the fucking point
in any case Kay is actually a little famous at this point
i guess because his training has overcome his natural pussitude
but he’s still kind of a tool
anyway days pass
and NO ONE can pull this damn sword out
so they get bored
and decide to beat the shit out of each other
IN A GENTLEMANLY FASHION
so they have a tournament

now arthur is too young to be in the tournament
i guess it’s fine to fuck 11 year old girls in this world
but a 15 year old star athlete cannot attempt to murder grown men
kind of a double standard
but anyway Kay enters in the tournament
and he actually does an okay job for a total pussnexus
but then he kind of gets too big for his codpiece
and decides to go up against some asshole like THREE TIMES HIS SIZE
and that dude just straight up SNAPS HIS SWORD IN HALF
although luckily it is not possible to emasculate Kay
since he WASN’T A TRUE MAN TO BEGIN WITH
here’s why:

so kay goes crying back to the sidelines
and he’s like ARTHUR ARTHUR
GET ME A NEW SWORD
and Arthur is like I’M ON IT
so he runs back to his dad’s tent
but no one is there
and they are OUT OF SWORDS
GUYS
IF YOU’RE A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS
YOU DON’T WANNA BE CAUGHT WITHOUT ANY SWORDS
SWORDS ARE LIKE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
SOMETIMES THEY ACTUALLY ARE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT WORKS

so arthur is like fuck
where am I going to get a sword
oh I know
there’s that sword in front of the cathedral
I don’t really know anything about it
because one of my superpowers is never paying attention
but I bet that would be a super sweet sword to give to my bro

so he goes
and he gets it
and he brings it to Kay
it isn’t a big deal
he just sort of lightly removes the legendary sword
from its indestructible pedestal
nothing to write home about
but when he brings it to kay
like hey bro i heard you liked swords
Kay is like WHOA WHAT WHERE HEY WHO WHAT UM
let me just go ahead and steal this sword real quick?
and arthur is like what do you mean steal i got it for you
and Kay is like DON’T SASS ME I’M KING NOW

so kay quits the tournament
and calls his dad back to their swordless tent
and is like hey dad
um so
I have this sword you might be interested in
check it out
and Hector is like I JUST SHAT MYSELF
and Kay is like so I’m king now right
and Hector is like BULLSHIT
YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY
YOU DIDN’T PULL THIS SWORD OUT OF THE STONE AT ALL
and kay is like yeah i did i totally did
and Hector is like OH YEAH WELL PUT IT BACK IN THEN
and kay is like what
who puts a sword back in something
that they have already taken it out of
doesn’t that defeat the purpose of taking the sword out of the thing
and Hector is like CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF STABBING REPEATEDLY
and Kay is like fuck fine
how hard can it be

WELL IT TURNS OUT IT IS HARDER THAN A PEDOPHILE AT A WATER PARK
Kay is just hunched over that stone
repeatedly failjabbing it with his wusshands
until arthur is like hold on wait a second
let me try
and he just proceeds to swordfuck that stone
long and deep
again and again
until everyone is more or less satisfied
with the idea of being ruled over by a tween
(although actually not everyone is satisfied
but we will talk about that later)
so at this point Kay is like fuck my cover is blown
oh well i guess there is nothing left to do
but beg my brother for a cushy position in his new government
and Arthur is like yeah bro i’ll totally hook you up
but hm
i guess this means you’re not actually my brother huh
pretty sure my dad is that crazy rapefiend who just died of the syph
he was kind of a shitty dad though actually so that’s ok
let’s never speak of it again
and then he goes on to be king and have adventures

so the moral of the story
is that ultimately the only trait
that will get you anywhere in life
is the ability to pull things out of other things
and then put them back in again

the end.

In the end, it EXODUSn’t even matter

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hey guys
if you are here as a result of Ryan North’s excellent internet comedy contraption
welcome
also you should scroll down past all these videos and read some text myths
like this one or this one or this one
because some of those are pretty awesome
and they are mainly what this site is made out of
and anyway this video is part 3 of an ongoing series
so you might be a little out of the loop if you just watch this one
BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY

I think i might start wearing this hat every day.

Uther Pendragon is basically Zeus

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Alright so King Arthur right

OH SHIT WAIT SLOWWWW DOWN
because at this point in the story
king arthur isn’t even king yet
and in fact
he is not even born
it is pretty hard to be king when you are not born guys
because babies are stupid
and sperm is even stupider than babies
trust me i have tried to teach sperm to do all these tricks
but it just sits there
fucking worthless

ok so really the guy we should be talking about
is motherfucking UTHER PENDRAGON
my friends
if you have the word dragon
ANYWHERE in your fucking name
you are destined for greatness
and this guy is already basically as great as you can possibly get
because see
England has a bunch of kings right
but Uther
is KING OF ALL THOSE KINGS
that’s right
there are so many kings
THE KINGS HAVE KINGS

Now here is where the different tellings of this story diverge
that’s right
THEY DIVERGE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN GETS STARTED ASSHOLES
because when you are reading myths about king arthur
you have a couple of options
one is to read Malory
who basically tells it like it is
another is to read Howard Pyle
who takes Malory
straps a chastity belt on him
straps a chastity belt on the chastity belt
then dips the whole thing in a vat of shamesauce
OR you can read Thomas Berger
who takes Howard Pyle
chops his legs off
straps him to a jetpack
glues a pair of tits to his face
and sets him on fire
guess which one i picked

so like I said Uther is pretty much set for life
but all this glory hardly even registers
on his royal give-a-shit-ometer
because what he is concerned with
is banging some other dude’s wife
the dude’s name is Gorlois
and his main trait is that he has a hot wife
named Ygraine
so Uther is like HM
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN
BUT SHE’S MARRIED
I KNOW
I WILL DECLARE WAR ON HER HUSBAND
THIS IS SURE TO WIN HER OVER
a tactic that has withstood the test of time

so he does this
and Gorlois’ first response is to just run the fuck away
leaving behind his wife in his castle
and getting the fuck besieged out of him in this other castle
i do not know whose idea this brilliant tactic was
but they need a medal

what this does manage to do however
is keep Uther from killing Gorlois pretty much indefinitely
at which point Uther actually gets ILL WITH RAGE
yes
some people are so full of fury that it can actually cause DISEASES
and he is like RRRRRRRRRR
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BANG THIS CHICK SO BAD
but then his pal ulfin shows up and is like dude what the fuck
you’re Uther motherfucking pendragon
the only limiting factor on the number of women you can bone
at any given time
is how many penises you have
look i know this wizard merlin
he can give you like
a plethora of dicks
you will forget all about this skank ho Ygraine i promise
and Uther
whose main talent is not listening to people
is like MERLIN OF COURSE
I WILL HIRE HIM TO HELP ME BONE YGRAINE

so he sends some dudes to go find merlin
and they all find this lake
and they are super thirsty
so they drink out of it
and BAM they turn into frogs
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and then he teleports to Uther’s castle
and all those dudes get eaten by monsters

So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO

Amauri Siegel done did this

ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
so here is what we are going to do
I am going to turn you into Gorlois
then
you are going to fuck Ygraine
also I will turn me and Ulfin into some of Gorlois’ dudes
cause why not
and Uther is like wait hold on
how much is this gonna cost
I am kind of cash poor at the moment
and Merlin is like whatever dude I don’t accept cash anyway
I only accept CHILDREN
and Uther is like whoa what
and Merlin is like dude you’re gonna have a kid with Ygraine
he’s gonna be a super great king
and since I am basically making his existence happen
through a winning combination of my wand and your dick
I get to be his dad
them’s the rules
and Uther is like I don’t know man
and Merlin is like have you SEEN Ygraine’s tits?
and Uther is like not as much as I would like to
and Merlin is like and you’re telling me
you don’t want some consequence free sex
with basically the equivalent of fourteen supermodels
duct taped to a missile
full of SEX PHEREMONES
and Uther is like i don’t even know what half of those words were
but i’m sold
let’s do this

so Merlin changes everybody into everybody else
and then he gets bored and teleports them all to Gorlois’ castle
and there are pretty much NO GUARDS AT ALL
they basically just waltz right in
except waltzing has not been invented yet
so they like
gallivant I guess
or sashay maybe
anyway they go inside and merlin just happens to know where Ygraine is at
and he takes Uther there and is like go for it buddy
so Uther goes in there and Ygraine is like whoa shit
hey husband I thought you got killed
and Uther is like less talk more intercourse
and proceeds win the all around gold medal in the vagina olympics
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
until finally Ulfin comes knocking on the door
and Uther is like WHAT IM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
and Ulfin is like um well Gorlois is dead
and Uther is like SWEET
now I can stop wearing this shitty disguise
and just bang this chick regular-like
so he does that
for like several days or something
and she gets preggers
and then Uther proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
all across england
with his entire army
literally raping the fuck out of every woman over the age of 11
or actually he is not raping very much
but ALL HIS MEN are raping more or less nonstop
he is too busy boning his stolen wife
but then he kind of forgets about her for a while
and about the child she is carrying
and she gives birth to this little kid
named Arthur
and all of a sudden Merlin appears like
OH A BABY
DON’T MIND IF I DO
YOINK
and everyone is kind of perplexed by this
but they have learned not to fuck with Merlin
because fucking with Merlin is how you get turned into frogs
and then pretty soon after that Uther dies
probably from venereal disease but it could be anything

so the moral of the story
is if you want to basically just do what you want all the time
be a wizard
they seem to have that shit on lockdown

The End.

WAYNE’S WORLD! WAYNE’S WORLD! EXODUS! EXODUS!

Posted on by
11

so here is part one of a video just like i promised
it is about moses and god and snakes
and i think i say tits in it at least once so that’s a win

ALSO
SHIRTS
probably gonna make whichever 3 shirts get the most votes
and if you guys are cool with it
I’m going to just make them myself
using stencils and spraypaint
a la THIS GUY
because cafepress and every site like it is a waste of time
that would force me to charge you guys exorbitant amounts of money
for shitty inferior products that don’t even look as good
as i can make them look on my own
plus if I make them myself I can do them in whatever colors you guys want
because the tshirt shop down the street is amazing
also I made a shitty mspaint mockup
of what the Norse Flowchart is gonna look like
just to get the idea across
you can see it after the jump
i promise the stencil will actually look like something other than shit
we cool?

OK MYTH

I MADE TWO VERSIONS

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE OR DO THEY BOTH SUCK TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

HORSECOCK

Posted on by
17

Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any

secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money

SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK

So Norway right

there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth

so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped

so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock

so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:

the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it

and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again

So the moral of the story

is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking

The end.