Worship Bacchus OR ELSE

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Alright let’s see if i can do this before i pass out

so remember Tiresias?
in this myth he is up to his old tricks again
his old tricks being
to tell people bad things are going to happen to them
and then they happen
in this case he is talking to some dude named Pentheus
now i can pretty much guarantee
that Pentheus is not a name you are gonna see in any other myths
because the first thing that happens in this myth
is tiresias is like oh hey pentheus
you refuse to worship bacchus and then your face gets torn off
and Pentheus is like FUCK THAT
and literally picks up tiresias and throws him
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAINST BLIND PEOPLE:
THE IDEAL REBUTTAL

so then tiresias leaves
and pentheus goes about the thirsty work
of ceaselessly being a dick
seriously this guy is such a big dick
his pubes are are forest of microscopic penises
it’s gross
ovid doesn’t write about that aspect of his character
but i know these things
but anyway basically what he does
is he sees all his soldiers going off to party with bacchus
and he is like FUCK THAT MURDER HIM INSTEAD
and the guys are all like Pentheus
hey
dude
we would much rather party
and Pentheus is like TOUGH TACOS TITWIZARDS
TIME TO GET TO WORK

so all pentheus’ dudes go out reluctantly trying to kill bacchus
and when they finally get back
they don’t have bacchus at all
they just have some dude
and pentheus is like hey who the fuck are you
and this dude tells a story
he is like I am a priest of bacchus
because one time
i was on a boat
and we found this kid on an island right
and this kid was WASTED
like so drunk
his skin cells were increasing the alcohol content of the surrounding air
by peer pressure
and i was like hm
this dude seems pretty fucking incompetent and self indulgent
HE MUST BE A GOD

so i told everyone he was a god but for some reason they didn’t believe me
and then they had a mutiny for some reason
i guess cause they wanted to rape this kid or something
and they were like hey little boy where you headed
and he was like whoa what the fuck
who are you people
what am i doing here
why is there a boat
the last thing i remember was trying really hard not to fuck a horse
anyway can i get a ride to Naxos

so all my sailor buddies are like SURE KID HOP ABOARD
and i start driving towards Naxos
but then they are like no
fuck that
i guess they wanted to take his clothes and stuff
but then it was ok because Bacchus
(that’s who the kid was by the way)
put a bunch of lions and shit on the boat
which made everyone jump overboard
and then they turned into like barracudas or some shit
i dunno many of the details honestly
because bacchus and i got obliterated on some kind of spiced wine after that
anyway now i’m one of his priests
pretty crazy huh

and pentheus is like YEAH
PRETTY CRAZY
GETTIN’ TORTURED ASSHOLE
but no sooner do they chain up this priest
when all his chains break for no reason
and then Pentheus is like FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO SEE BACCHUS MYSELF

so he starts walking in the direction of the massive party
the one bacchus is holding
the female only party that happens every once in a while
and he starts to get a little nervous
but he is not gonna let a little thing like nerves
get between him and his suicidal determination
so he shows up at the party
and the first person to see him is his mom
which must have been SO EMBARASSING
especially when she ripped his head off
while his sisters tore off his arms
this is some dusk til dawn shit that happens right here

and why do they do it?
because they are tripping balls on something
and think he’s a boar i guess
because the natural response to a wild boar is to tear its face off
with your hands
i have no fucking clue what these chicks are on
but it’s not just wine i can tell you that

so at first glance
you might be tempted to say that the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
but pentheus didn’t do drugs and look where that got him
no the moral of the story is
try not to be the only one NOT on drugs
because that is when you are at a profound disadvantage
you need to take all the drugs to be safe
think about it like mutually assured destruction
but with PCP

The end.

Boats are Dangerous

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ok so Ceyx

(kind of sounds like sex
if you pronounce it right)
he is this dude
who gets all worried and shit
because this other dude Peleus
hears about some crazyass wolf
eating the fuck out of a bunch of cows
on some island somewhere
this is the kind of thing you get upset about in ancient greece
they do not have party politics at this point i am pretty sure

anyway ceyx decides he’s gotta go see some fucking oracle
not the oracle at delphi
a different one
but in order to go see this oracle
he has to go on a boat
and his wife Alcyone is like NO DONT DO IT
TOTALLY GONNA DIE MAN
and ceyx is like no its cool
and Alcyone is like oh ok
so the ceyx gets on a boat
and it pretty much immediately sinks
like maybe a day later or something
the water turns black and there is a fucking whirlpool
seriously what the fuck
i accept that the gods are responsible for all these things
and that being the case
why they gotta be like that?

so meanwhile Alcyone is being painfully oblivious back home
knitting fucking sweaters and shit
and like
burning incense to juno
all like hey woman get my husband back alive k
and juno is listening to this shit like fuuuuuuck
listen bitch there’s nothing i can do
dude’s dead
he fucking drowned ok
but alcyone can’t hear her
over all her knitting

so finally juno hits up her main chick Iris
and is like Iris
go down to that dude hypnos
GOD OF SLEEP
and be like hey send a dream to alcyone
to tell her her husband’s dead
and alcyone is like sure no problem

so she shows up down in slumbertown
and is like hey hypnos
and she has to yell at him for like a solid decade
before that dude wakes up
and he is like yawn hey
what’s good
and iris is like nothing
nothing is good
i need you to tell this chick that her husband is dead
and hypnos is like sure let me get morpheus

so hypnos goes and wakes up morpheus
who is the god of pretending to be people in your dreams
which i think is a sweet job
but that is immaterial
anyway morpheus goes and shows up in alcyone’s dream
like hey hey hey it’s me ceyx
your husband
i’m dead
get used to it
and then Alcyone wakes up like WAAAAAAAH HUSBAND
FUCK ARE YOU DEAD OR SOMETHING
I GUESS YOU MUST BE OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT DREAM

so then the next morning
she goes out walking on the shore
or like the cliffs or whatever
for some reason in all these myths
i always have the same mental image of some cliffs
that all the ships depart from for some reason
even though you can’t hitch a ship to some fucking cliffs
call it artistic license
for my mind’s eye or whatever
anyway she’s hanging out somewhere
being sad
when all of a sudden a body rolls up on the coast
and she is like oh fuck
is that
yeah that’s my husband
and she runs over to the body
all sad and stuff
and she is SO SAD
she turns into a bird
but that doesn’t make her any happier
and in fact
even as a bird
she is SO
SO SAD
that her grief turns CEYX into a bird also
and they go fuck and cry or something forever

so the moral of the story is
when conventional medicine fails
try turning into a bird

the end.

When I say GENES you say IS

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ok guys
i deleted that last post
because i don’t want any posts on my blog
that are not sweet myths
or at least myths of some kind
don’t worry, people who recommended myths in that post
i remember what you recommended
and those were some pretty badass suggestions
and i’ll totally do them
speaking of totally doing things
here is a myth about that

by the way that was the LAST PART OF THE BOOK OF GENESIS
hope you enjoyed it

now if people actually read this blog
i could take a vote on which myth you would rather hear next
beowulf or the mabinogi
but oh well.

Zeus Versus Werewolves

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Alright so ZEUS

he’s chilling up on mount olympus
after making a whole bunch of seasons and shit
and i guess he hears a rumor or something
about how everyone on earth sucks?
so he is like NAW IT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
HOWSABOUT I ASSUME MORTAL FORM AND FIND DAT SHIT OUT

so zeus goes ahead and becomes a mortal for a bit
and miraculously
DOES NOT BANG ANY HOT CHICKS WHILST DOING SO
see i guess this was back in the old days
before zeus had time to develop his powerful buttthirst
instead what he does
is he goes around like hey guys
are you all assholes
and everyone is like YES WE TOTALLY ARE
and zeus is like dammit really
and they are like WATCH LET US PROVE IT
WE WILL RAPE AND MURDER EACH OTHER
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
and zeus is like i’m gonna keep walking is that ok

so then he ends up in the kingdom of this dude Lycaon
who is king shit of being unpleasant
and zeus shoes up in his big hall or whatever
and he’s like hey
you know there’s a god here right now
not saying it’s me or anything
but
you know
he is at the very least
a good friend of mine
WINK WINK WINK GOD DAMMIT

So Lycaon is like
pretty sure you aren’t a god dude
watch ima prove it
hey guys kill this dude in his sleep
also boil a bunch of other dudes and serve them to this guy
seriously it will be great
i call it
THE ULTIMATE PRANK

so of course zeus gets IMMEDIATELY SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT
and he blows everyone up with a thunderbolt
and Lycaon is like shit shit shit
time to get the fuck out of here
only now he is a wolf all of a sudden
and instead of running away
he starts mauling all his sheep
and everyone else’s sheep
and a bunch of people probably as well
basically just maintaining the same level of being an asshole
that he stuck to throughout his whole life
this is a guy who is committed to sucking

so then zeus is like GRR SO MAD
GONNA KILL ALL HUMANS
and the other gods are like wait
who will worship us then
come on this shit is important
and zeus is like WHATEVER I’LL MAKE NEW PEOPLE
THEY’LL TOTALLY SUCK LESS
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
IT IS THUNDERBOLT OCLOCK

so he picks up his thunderbolts
and he is about to turn earth into an electric murder carnival
when he is like hold on
the heat of everything catching on fire at once
might set olympus on fire
FUUUUUUUUUCK
so he puts his lightning bolts away
and resolves to probably not murder everyone

so net result:
Lycaon gets to be a sweet wolf
world not destroyed
moral of the story?
if you run into a god
either don’t piss them off
or piss them off AS HARD AS YOU CAN

the end.

I am honestly not sure whether someone said GENESIS because I have auditory hallucinations

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Alright guys
this is the second to last installment
of this fucking beast
you guys should take this as an opportunity
to start suggesting what massive behemoth myth
i should retell on video
the NEXT TIME someone gives me money
also i am sorry that the videos this time are so long
i only have so many opportunities to get on the internet
so i am condensing down what would normally be probably
about double the number of posts
into five
five VALUE SIZED posts
so here is your value

I hope you enjoyed your value

Zeus grants stupid wishes

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Alright guys i know you are itching for a myth
the way a scab itches for some sweet calamine lotion
and i am going to give you one
but since i just drove from pittsburgh to new york city
it is going to be a short myth
and then i am going to fall face down into this couch i am looking at

ok

so Aurora right

she’s some bullshit useless goddess
who happens to have a son fighting in the trojan war
this is not remarkable
EVERYONE has a son fighting in the goddamn trojan war
it is like HEY MOTHERS
DO YOU HAVE SOME EXTRA SONS YOU NEED SENSELESSLY BUTCHERED
TRY THIS WAR

but anyway her kid Memnon dies
due to a common hazard of the trojan war:
achilles
specifically a spear thrown by achilles
and once he is dead
his mom is all BOO HOO HOO I AM SO SAD MY SON IS DEAD
I AM SUCH A USELESS GODDESS WHY DIDNT I SAVE HIM
but instead of like
getting revenge on achilles
like some other much less worthless goddess would have done
aurora decides to go crying to Zeus
all like ZEUS
I KNOW I’M BASICALLY THE AQUAMAN OF THE GREEK PANTHEON
BUT I GIVE GOOD HEAD SO CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and zeus is like i’m listening
and Aurora is like give my son at least some honor
and zeus is like sure ok
can we move on to the blowjob phase of this transaction

so then
right when Memnon is getting cremated
a HUGE AMOUNT OF SMOKE happens
and it fucking blots out EVERYTHING
and then
and then
it TURNS INTO BIRDS
WHAT
WHAT IS THIS
BIRDS?
WHY IS IT BIRDS ALL OF A SUDDEN
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
IN THE LIGHTNING ADDLED BRAIN OF ZEUS
APPARENTLY BIRDS = HONOR
ok so those birds divide into 2 groups
and then they beat the shit out of each other for a bit
and then they land
and they become known as the daughters of memnon
apparently because he died too early to have real daughters
and then every year they come back to the same place
and peck the fuck out of each other again
it is like a tradition
a very brutal pointless tradition

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to have a goddess for a mom
try to have a less shitty one than aurora
one that can save your life in battle
instead of turning your smoking corpse into some angry birds

THE END

Someone said GENESIS but i thought they said GENITALS and then i was disappointed

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hey guys
i did this myth today
from inside my car
which someone else was driving
down a dark highway somewhere in Amishtown Ohio
seriously there were horse-drawn buggies
with flashing lights on the back of them
at like 8PM
i am sorry i am not wearing a hat in this one
there is a dangly thing next to my head though so that’s something
anyway this is the video

i am glad we didn’t hit any amish people
because i hear if you hit amish people you get a curse

Nobody said Genesis but I did it anyway

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Here is episode 2 of god being a dick
guys have you ever gone to a contemporary art museum
expecting to see some sweet contemporary art
only to find a bunch of different canvasses nailed together
each one painted a different solid color
or like
a whole room full of white canvasses
maybe one of them says AIDS on it
but it’s hard to tell
BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN WHITE
when i see things like this
it makes me want to be bill-gates rich
so i can buy out the museum
build an igloo out of this shit
and set the igloo on fire
and then sell it to another museum
for ten times what those paintings were worth
anyway here’s my masterpiece

you know why my plan works?
because FIRE increases VALUE.

Don’t fuck with Latona

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Okay so puffs

sorry to bust your balls like that
about wanting some greek myths
buddy
i like greek myths too
and to prove it to you
here is a greek myth

alright so there is this chick Niobe
she is an utter priss festival
all strutting around
vehemently denying
that her shit stinks
she is the queen on some island or something
man everybody in greece seems to have been
like a queen
or else some kind of king
or satyr
or some shit
there were like NO REGULAR PEOPLE
at ALL
anyway one day this chick Manto
the daughter of Tiresias
goes running through Niobe’s city screaming OH SHIT GUYS
TIME TO WORSHIP THE GODDESS LATONA
SHE FEELS INADEQUATE FOR SOME REASON
SO GET ON THAT

so everyone starts worshipping the everloving bajeezus out of latona
like making wreathes
and dancing around
and doing all kinds of shitty craft projects and whatnot
and Niobe shows up like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
YOU GUYS ARE WASTING TIME WORSHIPPING THIS BROAD
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORSHIPPING
ME

so niobe launches into this long
clearly prepared speech
about how much better she is than latona
like how her parents are all gods
or else people who hung out with gods
like Tantalus
although actually honestly
like i said
everybody in greece at this time
was chilling with all manner of gods
anyway then she is like HEY LATONA
YOU ONLY HAVE TWO KIDS
I HAVE FOURTEEN
LET ME DO SOME MATH FOR YOU
FOURTEEN
EQUALS SEVEN
TIMES TWO
I HAVE SEVEN TIMES MORE CHILDREN THAN YOU
MY VAGINA IS INFINITELY MORE DISTENDED
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CODHOLES DOING WORSHIPPING LATONA
WHEN YOU COULD BE MAKING SACRED MACARONI PICTURES
FOR MY GAPING BABY CHUTE

so everybody is like fuckdamn woman
we’ll stop
we’ll stop
sorry
don’t eat us with your cavernous vag
and niobe is like damn right

ok now guys
it is a historical fact
that niobe did indeed have seven times more kids
than Latona
however what Niobe is overlooking here
is that Latona’s two kids
are APOLLO AND ARTEMIS
GUYS
EACH OF THOSE KIDS
IS WORTH LIKE
SIXTY KIDS
AT LEAST
THAT CHANGES THE MATH SLIGHTLY
so of course Latona
upon hearing that niobe is hosting an all-you-can-eat hubris buffet
calls her kids over and is like hey
hey
can we fuck niobe over
i really want to fuck niobe over
how should we fuck niobe over guys
and apollo is like LESS TALKING MORE FUCKING OVER
and ZOOM the laser death train leaves the station

what follows is one of those dramatically bloody action sequences
that really makes me wish ovid had gotten to direct die hard
because basically what happens
is apollo shows up where all niobe’s 7 sons are out exercising
and kills them all with arrows
in the most horrendously brutal ways
like one guy gets an arrow all the way through his throat
and does a triple sowcow over the front of his chariot
to get hooffucked by angry horses
and two sons are wrestling
so SHOOP
apollo just pins those guys together with an arrow
and so on and so forth
murder murder murder
until one of them is like PLEASE GODS STOP MURDERING
and apollo is like ok
WHOOPS
looks like i already let go of the arrow
sorry dude
so that one dies too

so then niobe sees what has happened
and so does her loving husband
who of course immediately kills himself
and niobe runs outside to the pile of mutilated flesh
that used to be her sons
actually bruising her arms from hugging them so hard
guys hugs are not usually brutal
but hugs where you injure yourself are BRUTAL TO THE MAX
and niobe is like WAAH WAAH WAAH WHAT THE FUCK LATONA
ALL I DID WAS INSULT YOUR LACK OF KIDS
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MURDER ALL MY KIDS
OH WAIT
I STILL HAVE SEVEN DAUGHTERS
I STILL WIN
HAHAHAHAHA BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT

guys
when gods have just demonstrated their ability
to kill seven of your children in as many minutes
it is not a good idea to remind them
about the other seven children you still have
so at this point artemis shows up
and kills all seven of niobe’s daughters
with a lot less pizazz than apollo
but still, pretty sweet
like they all just stop breathing basically

so at this point niobe is like DAMMIT
COULDN’T YOU HAVE AT LEAST LEFT ME 3 KIDS
SO I COULD KEEP FEELING SUPERIOR TO YOU
and latona is like NOPE SUCK IT
so then niobe starts crying
and she doesn’t stop crying
until she turns into marble and teleports to the top of a mountain
seriously that is how hard she cries
and actually the stone keeps crying even to this very day

so parents
remember:
when it comes to having kids
it is not quantity that is important
but whether your kids can kill everyone else’s kids

the end.