South Park did this and i don’t care

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11

Ok so Xenu right

he is this seriously bad dude
who is like emperor
of a MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE
made up of like
26 stars
and 76 planets
one of which is earth
except it isn’t called earth
because that doesn’t sound retarded enough
no
it is called Teegeeack

so the galactic civilization
it is pretty much like what earth is like
in the 50s and 60s
in fact basically exactly alike
they wear the same clothes
and they have cars and buses and shit
not a very advanced galactic civilization actually

BUT WAIT
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad motherfucker all the time
so he’s like OH I KNOW
IF I KILL ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEPOSE ME
I CAN’T GET DEPOSED
FUCKING GENIUS
here is the problem guys
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU
so he’s like well i guess i better kill everyone
but how do i do that
i’m going to need some help
HEY PSYCHIATRISTS

so all the psychiatrists show up like yea xenu whats up
and xenu is like guys i need you to trick all these people
or rather
all these THETANS
because thats what these guys are called
into showing up to my place for a tax audit or something
and the psychiatrists are like we have no problem with this
because we are evil

so all the thetans show up
like hey here are our income taxes or something
actually hold on
why is it
that everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
especially if we are postulating
that these guys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster than light travel
as far as i can tell
so people are travelling HUNDREDS OF YEARS
in their shitty, explosion prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
now if it had been a free puppies and cotton candy audit
or a professional grade booze enema audit
maybe i can see this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is like HEY HOW BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES
your response should not be RIGHT AWAY SIR CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL

cause see
this whole thing turns out really badly for the thetans
like as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes their souls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and he takes them to earth
oh wait i’m sorry
TEEGEEACK
and he stacks them around volcanoes
but see
apparently volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu
NOOOOOO
molten fucking lava is not hardcore enough for this guy
so he puts HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of the volcanoes
and then blows them right the fuck up
vaporizing all these thetans
but like
keeping their souls intact?

because see the next thing that happens
is that xenu forces all these thetans
into a massive 3D movie theater
where they watch a 36 hour movie
encompassing all future religious symbolism
and where is this movie theater located exactly?
hawaii
obviously

so then the thetans get let out of the movie theater
and they are so fucking disoriented
and like
dead and stuff
that they just start grabassing at any body they can find
turning perfectly functional human beings
into skullfucked sadness engines
bent on self-destruction
and guys
that is why we all suck so bad
it is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes
and then evil spirits decided to lay eggs in our minds

and the worst part is
if you try and learn all this shit
without first preparing yourself to learn it
by paying a lot of money
again and again
the shock will be so great
that you will get pneumonia

so the moral is
don’t read this myth
unless you want to get pneumonia

the end.

Samson is Metal

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1

okay so there is this guy samson right

holy
fucking
shit

ok so first of all
there is this group of dudes called the philistines
who god for some reason is not fond of
so god is like i need a dude to murder all these philistenes
i know
I WILL MAKE SAMSON
so he sends this angel down
to this dude Manoah and his wife
all like HEY HEY HEY
YOUR WIFE IS STERILE
BUT USING GODMAGIC
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A KID
IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT
HE IS GOING TO KILL SO MANY GODDAMN PHILISTINES
and Manoah is like sweet where do i sign
and the angel is like
YOU DONT GOTTA SIGN SHIT
JUST NEVER CUT THAT KID’S HAIR EVER
AND HE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE
ALSO YOUR WIFE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT
and manoah is like what are you the surgeon fucking general
and the angel is like NO
I AM AN ANGEL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD
CHECK OUT ALL THIS HOLY FIRE
and manoah is like DAMN
lemme make sacrifice some meat real quick
seeing as i have been trying to impregnate this bitch
for like 4 million years
and the angel is like THANKS FOR THE SACRIFICE
GONNA DEVOUR IT WITH MORE HOLY FIRE
PEACE
and he leaves manoah to kind of sit there
like what
and actually he gets pretty fucking freaked out
like shit shit shit that dude just set my meat on fire
what if he sets me on fire
and his wife is like shut up asshole
why would god send an angel
to tell us an elaborate lie
just so he could set us on fire ten minutes later
also i think i am pregnant
anyway later samson is born

so samson grows up
and his hair gets super long and shit
and pretty soon
he decides he wants to go see the cities of the philistines
and his parents are like sure whatever
so he goes out
and he falls in love with some philistine chick
i dont really remember her name actually
it’s not important she dies anyway

so regardless
on his way to woo this bitch
samson gets attacked by a LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
as a sidenote that is totally not how lions sound
but i can’t accurately transliterate the sound
that lions actually make
so ROARRRR IT IS
anyway samson sees this lion attacking him
and just casually rips it in half
and leaves it there
and decides not to tell anyone about it
because honestly
it isn’t a very good story
other than the killed a lion part
i mean there was no struggle or anything
it’s just kind of like
oh
a lion
RIIIIIP

so samson shows up to philistinetown
like hey
woman
marry me
and the woman is like ok
so then samson walks to the marriage
and on the way
he passes that dead lion again
and apparently bees have decided
that this dead lion
is the perfect place for a beehive
so there is all kinds of honey in there
and samson
being a fucking longhaired dumbass
decides to reach on in there
and get a big fistful of honey
and eat that shit
and nothing bad happens to him
and then he pushes his luck by grabbing more
and bringing it to his parents for some reason
like hey mom
hey dad
here is some beejizz i found in a dead lion
enjoy
maybe you can put it on toast

so then he goes to the wedding
and this is where the shit
starts to get fed
unceasingly
into the fan
because samson decides that it would be a good idea
to tell a high-stakes riddle
to all of the philistine groomsmen at the wedding
and the riddle he makes up
is about the lion he killed
which only he knows about
so they all get super frustrated trying to figure it out
and then
being the monumental assgremlins they are
they run up to samson’s wife
like HEY HEY HEY TELL US THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE
OR WE WILL SET YOU ON FIRE
and she sucks samson’s dick until he tells her or whatever
and then she tells them
and then they tell samson
and then samson tells them to go fuck themselves
because they cheated
then he kills all of them

then he’s still pissed off
so he runs crying to his dad
meanwhile his bride gets married to his best man
then samson comes back
only the chick’s dad won’t let him see her
and wants him to marry her sister instead
so samson does the sensible thing
and sets 300 foxes on fire
so they run around like adderall addicted toddlers
torching all the fields
and this kind of upsets the philistines
who respond in the only sensible way
which is to set samson’s ex-wife on fire

so then samson runs away for a bit
and hides in this cave
and the philistines show up
and they find these 3000 men of judah
who i guess live right in front of the cave
and they are like GIVE US SAMSON
and samson is like it’s fine dudes
just do it
and the men of judah are like sure ok
so they tie him up
and give him to the philistines
and then samson breaks free and murders EVERYONE
except the men of judah probably
i don’t think he has any beef with them
oh yeah
also
he does all this murdering
WITH THE JAWBONE OF A DONKEY
i am not sure where he gets that though
maybe he just rips off a donkey’s face
and then kills everyone with it
seriously this is a fucking massacre
he kills like 1000 guys

so then some other stuff happens
like he crashes at a whore’s place for a bit
and some dudes are hiding behind a gate to ambush him
so he picks up the gate
and puts it somewhere else
and the dudes are like well shit
guess we can’t ambush him anymore
then samson becomes king for 20 years

but all is not well
because it is about this time
that samson starts making BAD DECISIONS
like he falls in love with this chick Delilah
who is the ultimate in skank technology
in fact no sooner do samson and delilah get married
then all the philistines show up
like hey delilah
20 bucks if you find out samson’s weakness
and she is like ok sure
hey samson
what is your weakness
but samson isn’t stupid
so he makes up some bullshit about being bound with bowstrings
and she does it
and he wakes up
and breaks them

OKAY
STOP RIGHT THERE
let’s say you have a girlfriend, right?
she asks if you have any food allergies
you say yes
you are deadly allergic to pineapple
and you wake up the next morning
to find her injecting a pineapple smoothie
into your forearm
what do you do?
do you continue to live with this person?
do you proceed to confide in her?
are you a fucking IDIOT?

well apparently samson is
because he wipes his ass with this massive red flag
and just keeps lying to his wife
telling her different things that are not actually his weakness
and she keeps trying them
so really
everyone is a fucking retard in this situation
until samson one-ups everyone
by telling delilah his actual weakness
which is cutting off his hair
so
predictably
she cuts off his hair
which breaks that whole commitment to god thing
that his parents did
so he loses his strength
and the philistines come fuck him over
stab out both his eyes
and make him a slave
awesome

MANY
YEARS
PASS

and samson has been working for the philistines
for quite a while
one day they are going to do a sacrifice to some bullshit god
thanking him for delivering samson to them
and they are like hey samson
you are cordially invited to this jackassery
so he shows up
and is like man guys i am so tired and blind
can i please lean against these structural supports right here
and they are like sure whatever

but here’s the thing
delilah may have been a retard
and samson may have been a double-retard
but the philistines are triple 360 kickflip retards to the moon
because in all this time
they have totally forgotten to cut samson’s hair
so he prays to god
like hey give me my strength back real quick
and god is like sure i guess your hair is long enough
so samson flexes his biceps
and basically just collapses the entire temple
killing himself
and all the philistines inside

the moral of the story is pretty simple guys
never cut your hair
also never let anyone else cut your hair
also never tell your treacherous wife
that cutting your hair will render you worthless
in fact
your best bet
is to just wear a helmet at all times
a helmet with a padlock on it
that you don’t have a key to
just in case

the end.

MOTHERFUCKING NORSE MYTH AVALANCHE

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OK SO GUYS
GUYS
I ALREADY LOST MY BET
I USED ALLCAPS WHEN I WAS TALKING TO SOME GUY
SO NOW IT IS ALLCAPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TIME
TRUST ME THIS IS AWESOME

OK SO THE NORSE GODS RIGHT
ahem i mean the norse gods right
(gotta leave some room for UNDUE EMPHASIS ok)
they have these apples they eat
these sweet delicious golden apples
provided by this chick Idunn
and these apples
are the official sponsor
of never getting old ever
or at least never looking old
they are like botox apples
holy shit i should patent those
wow wow wow

ok anyway
on an unrelated note
one day Loki and Odin
and Odin’s brother Hoenir
who nobody cares about
except maybe odin
and i’m not even sure about that actually
decide to go on a camping adventure
except they don’t pack any food
like IDIOTS
so they do the manly thing
and kill an ox
and cook it for dinner
except instead of cooking it
they FAIL AT FIRE
for HOURS ON END
like they make a fire
and they put the meat in the fire
and they sit there and watch the meat attack the fire
for several hours
and then they take the meat out
and it is like goddamn beef sashimi
wait is it still beef if it is oxen?
whatever
you know what i mean
shit’s undercooked

so eventually
after a veritable cavalcade of failure
this eagle shows up
all like SQUAWK SQUAWK BITCHES
I CAN MAKE THAT FIRE WORK LIKE FIRE IS SUPPOSED TO
BUT IN EXCHANGE I GET TO EAT SOME OF THAT TASTY OXBEEF
and the gods are all pretty hungry so they are like sure fine
so then the eagle somehow turns the fire into a massive furnace
now if i was those guys
i would get pretty suspicious right around now
but these guys are professional retards
so they just go with it
and then the meat is cooked
and the eagle is like ok foodtime
and eats pretty much all of the meat in one bite

so obviously the gods are pretty pissed about this
and in fact loki is like GOD DAMMIT FEATHERTITS
YOU JUST MOUTHJACKED MY MEATSLAB
PREPARE TO GET PUNCHED
and he runs towards the eagle
and the eagle just kind of takes him
up into the mountains
and starts dragging his face over rocks
like WHO HAS THE FEATHERTITS NOW FEATHERTITS
HUH
WHO IS IT THAT HAS THEM
and loki is like IT’S ME IT’S ME
I HAVE THE FEATHERTITS
STOP REUPHOLSTERING MY FACE WITH THESE ROCKS
I LIKE HAVING SKIN
STOP STOP STOP
and the eagle is like NUP
GONNA KEEP RIGHT ON DOING THIS
UNTIL YOU PROMISE TO DELIVER ME
THOSE GOLDEN APPLES YOU GUYS EAT
THE ONES THAT ARE LIKE EDIBLE BOTOX
(ha HA
not so unrelated now
is it?)
and loki is like FINE FINE OW FINE OW
so then the eagle brings loki back to his friends
and they are like hey man how did you escape
and loki is like NOTHING SHUT UP
LETS GO HOME IM TIRED

so they go back to asgard
and loki sidles on up to that chick Idunn
not being shifty at all
like hey girl
i was just over in midgard and i saw this chick
who had apples JUST LIKE YOURS
pretty crazy huh
and Idunn is like yeah that is pretty crazy
and loki is like i know
it was so crazy
i was like WHAAAAAAAT
these can’t be the same apples
and then i thought to myself
there is only one way to find out
and that is to go get Idunn
and bring her all the way to Midgard
along with all her golden apples
so I can do a side-by-side comparison
this is the only way
and Idunn is like dur ok sounds reasonable
i am always looking for more apples to botox the aesir with

so Idunn follows loki over to Midgard
and no sooner are they across the bridge
when that goddamn asshole eagle swoops down
like NYAHAHAHA YOINK
and takes Idunn and all her apples
and then reveals that he is in fact a giant
named Thjazzi
although really that doesn’t matter
since he is basically an eagle forever all the time
anyway he takes idunn back to his place
and locks her in the highest tower
doesn’t even use the apples or anything
he is JUST DOING THIS TO BE A PRICK

so meanwhile
back in Asgard
the aesir are starting to get PRETTY SAGGY
and they are all hiding in their castle
like oh fuck oh shit what are we going to do
we’re ugly
how are we going to keep killing giants
and insulting dwarves
when we are ugly
they will just laugh at us
oh god this is like prom all over again
except then someone realizes
loki is totally not there
and they decide he is probably the cause
of all this bullshit
i mean really
they should have figured this out alot sooner
resolving aesir crises is pretty simple guys
here
let me make a flowchart

DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
YES
DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
NO?
LOKI DID IT.

GET LOKI TO SOLVE YOUR CRISIS

so that’s what they do
they find loki
and they are like hey asstrolley
did you fuck up again
and loki is like haha you got me
please don’t kill me
and they are like we won’t
provided you get the apples back
and loki is like fuck fine
why am i always held responsible for my actions

so he goes and finds freyja
who is apparently not part of this whole shit fiasco
and is like freyyyjaaaaaaa
i need to borrow your feather cloak again
you know the one that makes you fly
and is obscenely valuable
and freyja is like well i guess
since you didn’t steal it the last time i lent it to you
i’ll just go ahead and blindly trust you with it again
even though you could easily use it
to just escape all of the angry aesir
you know what fuck them
i’m a vanir anyway
i’m a fucking insurgent
here have this cloak
go nuts

so loki takes the cloak
and once again
is UNCHARACTERISTICALLY HONEST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING
he flies to Thjazzi’s place
and finds Idunn in the tower
and turns her and her apples into a nut
so he can carry them
and then gets the fuck out of there
and Thjazzi sees him and is like AW HELL NO
and turns into a massive eagle again
so loki is hauling ass through the clouds
and Thjazzi is hauling ass after him
and they are getting pretty close to asgard
so the gods see this happening
and they are like OH SHIT
QUICK
MAKE SOME FIRE
so they build a HUGE fire right in front of asgard
and loki flies over the twigs
and then right as thjazzi is flying over them
the flame suddenly goes FWOOOOOOOM
and immolates him six ways to sunday
and loki turns his nut into idunn and the apples
and no one has to be ugly ever again

so the moral of the story is
sometimes fire can cause problems
like when you end up indebted to a giant evil eagle
but it is okay
because any problem caused by fire
can be solved by a much larger fire

the end.

Happy birthday god dammit

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7

okay so this is the closest update day to your birthday
you
you know who you are
i am not going out of my way to make your birthday special
because i am a mean old bastard
and anyway i am in a bad mood today
because someone bet me i couldn’t go the whole time i’m in chicago
without using allcaps
so this blog is going to suffer heavily
only thing that could have been worse
is if they tried to get me to stop saying fuck

pee ess
now would be a good time to give me that other ten dollars
because i am in a city right now
with places to stay
and unlimited free internet
so i can actually upload videos this week
also i just spent like seven dollars on this cup of pink soup
and i have no idea what makes soup pink
i could die guys
i dont think i have health insurance

anyway here’s a myth about Cuchulainn again

so cuchulainn is still like 12 fucking years old
but apparently this goddess morrigan
who is the goddess of like
blood and awful shit
and tearing motherfuckers up
has heard of his deeds already
and is getting her ladyparts all slippery over them
so one day
cuchulainn is sleeping
when he hears this terrible awful noise
coming from the north
and he is like shit boys
saddle up my chariot
lets go see what that is

so he rides north for a bit
and he runs into this hot chick
with red hair
and a red cloak
and even red eyebrows
which saves cuchulainn having to ask
if the carpet matches the drapes
if you know what i mean
and i think you do

so cuchulainn is like who the hell are you
and she is like i am a chick
who is pretty hot
and who has heard of your deeds
i am here for your loving
and cuchulainn is like i am too busy murdering
go away
and this chick is like you know dude
i have been helping you win all those battles
and i will continue to help you
in exchange
for your young boy-loving
and if you turn me down
we will be enemies forever
and i will come and hinder you when you meet an opponent
who is a match for you

but cuchulainn is apparently a fucking idiot
and he is like bitch did you hear me
no means no
and he goes to smack her upside the head
but suddenly she is nowhere to be seen
and there is a raven sitting on a branch
looking at him like boy you done fucked up now
and suddenly he realizes he was talking to the goddess morrigan
and he is like shit
i done fucked up now

so anyway then he goes adventuring again
kills a ton of dudes
gets a ton of laid
and the very next day
he gets to this river
and he meets this dude Loch
and of course he is like come on dude
i am about to serve you up a hot heaping plate
of you getting killed by me right now
and lock is like psh yeah right
i won’t fight you
you don’t even have a beard
i only fight dudes with beards

so cuchulainn squats down by the roadside
and picks a bunch of berries
and crushes them up
and rubs them all over his face
to make it look like he has a wicked purple five o’clock shadow
and then he takes some grass
and sticks it to the berry juice
so he sets himself up
with the jankiest beard ever
(still better than my beard though now that i think of it)
and then he is like will you fight me now
and loch is like damn kid
how did you grow a beard so fast

so they start fighting
and true to her word
morrigan shows up to fuck with Cuhculainn’s shit
first she shows up as a big old red cow
and tries to knock him over
but cuchulainn just reaches over and breaks that cow’s leg
then she turns into an eel
and tries to trip him
but this is a stupid plan
because it puts her well within stomping range
so with a broken spine and a broken leg
morrigan becomes a wolf
and tries to maul the shit out of cuchulainn’s swording arm
but he is like fuck that
and pokes out her eye
then turns around
and murders Lock with his magic spear
the one with the thirty barbs
you know
the gae bolga
man that is such a funny goddamn name

anyway once he is finished like pissing on loch’s corpse
or ripping off his face
or skullfucking his kneecaps or something
cuchulainn continues across the river
and finds this old chick
milking a cow
and he’s like fuck i’m thirsty
can you give me a drink of that milk
and she is like sure
and she squirts some into his mouth
and he is like more
and she squirts some more
and then he is like more again
and she squirts more into his mouth and he is like ok
my thirst is quenched
that is enough cowpiss thank you
how can i ever repay you
and the woman turns to him
with a broken arm
and a broken spine
and a broken eye
and is like fix me the fuck up asshole
so then he heals her
for some reason
even though she has done nothing
other than try to coerce him into having sex with her
and then when that failed
try to make him die face down in a river
but anyway then he’s like are we even
and she’s like sure
and leaves

but then a few years later
on the way to some battle
cuchulainn sees these three old women
who are all morrigan
and they are like come eat this roast dog
which you are never supposed to eat
or you are prophecized to die
and cuchulainn is like are you sure guys
that sounds like a horrible idea
and they are like come onnn
and he is like ok
and eats it
and then goes ahead and gets killed in battle

but as soon as he realizes his is gonna die
he is like fuck this shit
i am going to die standing up
how is this possible
oh i know
i will tie myself to a rock with my own intestines
so he does that thing
and he dies
and no one is even sure he is dead
until morrigan turns into a raven and lands on his shoulder
and then everyone is like dear god finally

so the moral of the story
is if you find your mortal enemy on the side of the road
suffering from grevious wounds you inflicted
do not
i repeat
do not heal her
no matter how much free milk she offers you

the end.

Breathing Fire Does Not Pay

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2

GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYBODY
SOMEONE GAVE ME TEN DOLLARS
TEN MORE DOLLARS AND I RETELL GENESIS
GO FOR IT DUDES

Okay so Finn again right

now i realize
that in that last myth
i made finn out to be kind of an asshole
that is because
he was an asshole in that myth
but i figure i owe it to him
to tell you about how he became head of the Fianna

SO
first a bunch of random shit happens
like he gets born
and his dad gets murdered
and the sons of this dude Morna
who killed Finn’s dad
are trying to kill finn now
cause that’s what you do
so he hides for a bit
with two chicks
one is his mom i think
i dunno who the other on is

anyway they train him to be a great warrior
basically through child abuse
like they chase him around trees with a stick
and they throw him into the water without warning
and they put him in the middle of a field
with some rabbits
and say hey
don’t let these rabbits leave this field ok
so finn becomes a great hunter
like one time he throws a rock at a duck
and it cuts off the duck’s wings
what the fuck

anyway eventually he leaves with some poets
but then this dude murders all the poets
and leaves finn alive for some reason
then he goes home
but then he leaves again
and does a whole bunch of shit no one cares about
like beats some assholes in a swimming contest
and beats some dude at chess
and beats some guys at hunting
kills the dude who first wounded his father
and takes all his stuff
and goes to this coast where some poets are
and eats the fish of knowledge
instead of the dude who was supposed to eat it
so he gets a ton of knowledge
and then he goes to some well
also full of knowledge
and he starts to drink it
but then the chicks who own the well run out
like FUCK NO GET AWAY
and try to stop him
by THROWING A PITCHER OF WELL-WATER AT HIM
GREAT IDEA ASSHOLES
so then it gets in his mouth obviously and he gets more knowledge
and as a result
he writes a poem

god guys
that poem is so fucking long
it is difficult to accurately illustrate
how little of a shit
i give about that poem
pretty sure no one even gets murdered in it
although i can’t be sure
because i didn’t fucking read it
i got all the way to “here is another story
the blue goat gently nibbles on grass in the autumn sunlight of memory”
or some bullshit
anyway then interesting stuff happens

because Finn decides to show up
at this yearly conference
around Samhain
at his dad’s old kingdom
which is being run by those rascally sons of Morna
but see it is a special conference
where no one is allowed to have beef with anyone else

so he shows up
like hey remember that guy you killed
i’m his son though
don’t worry though
we aren’t allowed to have any beef
so i don’t
and then the sons of morna are like ok we’re cool
BY THE WAY
there is this dude terrorizing our town
which is called Teamhair
which just conjures a really gross mental image for me
but anyway
yeah
this dude shows up every year
on Samhain
his name is Aillen
what he does
is he plays music until everyone falls asleep
and then he breathes fire
on the town
and then he leaves
and then we have a year to rebuild the town
and he comes back and does it again
what the fuck right?
hey does anyone want to kill this guy?
seriously what an asshole

so apparently this conference
is also the pussnexus of the entirety of ireland
because no one wants to kill this firebreathing motherfucker
but then finn stands up like
what are you pussies
i’ll do it
and the sons of morna are like sure go nuts

so then this other guy
Fiacha
is like hey finn
you realize you’re fucked right
and finn is like yeah prolly
and fiacha is like what would you give me
if i brought you a magic spear
that will solve all your problems
and finn was like i dunno how much do you want
and fiacha is like a third of your loot from now on
plus a third of your friendship
and finn is like shit sure
i’m not using my friendship right now anyway
so fiacha gets him this spear

he is like here
have this weapon
when Aillen shows up
and starts making his sleepytimes music
just put the covering on the spear over your forehead
and it will protect you for some reason

so Finn goes out
and aillen shows up
and he starts doing his little snorefest symphony
and finn puts the spear cover on his forehead
so he is like
wired on caffeine or some shit
and then Aillen is like AWESOME EVERYONE IS ASLEEP
TIME TO BREATHE ALL THE FIRE
and he starts to do that
but then finn throws the spear through his heart
and then chops off his head just to be sure
and then he takes it
and puts it on a big spike in front of the castle
and after that i guess
everyone is so afraid of him
they elect him king of the Fianna
i guess king is something you can get elected to
i guess that makes sense
anyway then he gets to be king
and everything is great
until he gets drunk later and alienates his pals

so the moral of the story is
when life kills your dad
kill a mutant asshole with a magic spear
and i guess make … lemonade with his blood?

the end.

Reverse Daterape?

Posted on by
4

Alright so
first of all you should give me money cuz i am poor
there’s that donation button over there
do you see it
i have to buy diesel and internet and sometimes food
and plus if you do
i just decided
i’ll totally retell the book of genesis

ANYWAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE
FINN
he is the captain of this band of irishmen
called the Fianna
clever right
actually the first time i read it
i thought fianna was like
finn’s sister or some shit
but no
just his clan
anyway one day all of them are sitting by a river
and this chick pops out of the water
all like HEY FIANNA
HOWSABOUT ONE OF YOU COMES OVER HERE
AND TALKS TO ME

and she’s pretty hot
so this one dude Sciathbreac
of the speckled shield
god
i understand why this guy isn’t mentioned in more stories
anyway he goes up to her like
alright which one of us do you want to talk to
and she is like Finn please
and Sciathbreac is like jesus fuck why didn’t you just say that
i could have just not gotten up
and no one would have had to type out my name later
when this myth is retold

so then finn walks up to her like hey gorgeous
what’s good
and the chick is like first of all my name is Diareann
i know my name kind of looks like diarrhea
but don’t let that fool you
because I am not full of shit when i tell you
i am here to have sex with you
tons of it
all the time
and finn is like ok what’s the catch
and diareann is like well you gotta marry me
and be faithful to me
for ONE WHOLE YEAR
and then i get half your time after that

so finn is like HAH I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY
I HAVE TOO MUCH PENIS FOR THAT
SO SUCK IT
OR RATHER DON’T
BECAUSE I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR DEAL
YOU CAN STILL SUCK MY PENIS THOUGH I GUESS
JUST ON MY TERMS
NOT YOURS
BECAUSE I REFUSE THOSE
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

and diareann is like ok fine
here have this
and she takes out a cup
and pours it full of some kind of strong booze
and finn is like what the fuck is that
and she is like it is really potent mead
and finn is like fuck
i have a vow
that says any time
anyone offers me
ANYTHING
that you can use to PARTY
i must accept it
so he grabs that mead
and chugs it so hard
that like ten other dudes
all across ireland
suddenly find their cups empty

BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE
THAT MEAD WAS SPIKED
it was spiked
with ASSHOLE JUICE
not juice from an asshole
but juice that turns you into an asshole
so finn turns around
and just starts insulting all his friends
like
OY, SHITHANDS
WHY DONT YOU STOP SHITTING IN YOUR HANDS FOR A SECOND
AND TRY TO LIKE
WIN A BATTLE FOR ONCE
or
HEY PUSSNEXUS
DO YOU HAVE DICKS FOR HANDS
OR DO I HAVE TO FIND YOU ANOTHER EXCUSE
FOR COCKING UP ALL THE TIME
or
HEY ASSCLOWN
THIS IS NOT THE DIPSHIT CIRCUS
THIS IS AN ARMY
WHY DON’T YOU PACK UP YOUR FAILURE FESTIVAL
AND MOVE IT ON DOWN THE ROAD TO TOOLTOWN

so all his men are like
we dont have to stand for this
and one by one they just pack their shit
and head home
eventually leaving finn totally alone
except for some dude Caolite
who i guess just likes to be insulted or something
cause then what that dude does
is he runs after ALL THIRTEEN OF THE GUYS WHO LEFT
and is like guys come on
he’s just wasted
we all get wasted right
we’re irish
come on
and all the other guys are like ok fine
we’ll come back
as long as we get to murder some dudes later
and Caolite is like are you kidding
we are going to murder so many dudes
ALL the dudes
EVERY dude

so by the time Caolite is finished fixing all of finn’s problems
Finn is totally sobered up and apologetic
thus beginning a proud tradition
of getting drunk and causing problems
and then later some chick offers him a bunch of walnuts
but he is like NO THANK YOU
THOSE ARE DATERAPE WALNUTS
and in fact they are

so i guess he learned his lesson
which is don’t accept edible gifts
from chicks with agendas

the end.

There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

Posted on by
8

alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday
and i was drunk when i was reading her comment
and i thought her birthday was today
so i did a bunch of research
and then i realized she was born on the 6th
who the fuck is born on the 6th
that’s some bullshit
anyway now i have all this research
and nothing to do with it
so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right
actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself
when he was born he was called Setanta
he was popped out by some queen
who drank a fly that fell in her booze
only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed
if you know what i mean
(i dont fucking know what i mean)
and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME
YOU ARE NOW SWANS
and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta
ok
backstory complete

OH WAIT
NOT YET
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN
EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY
so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old
he is a ridiculous sex machine
and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
and the guys go ahead to some castle
and start partying
and they forget about him
and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle
but then setanta shows up
and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY
and setanta stabs it to death in the face
and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead
but setanta says he’ll make him a new one
and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW
IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick
and he is like hey honey what’s up
i wanna rest my sword between your tits
if you know what i mean
and emer is like i know what you mean
and i can also see
that you are 8 fucking years old
what are you trying to get me thrown in jail
and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs
and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs
but you don’t even have a beard dude
how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard
oh i know
how about if you become a supergreat warrior
and murder several hundred guys
i will totally bone you
and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal
and as a cherry on top
how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back
and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise
because he is physically incapable
of keeping it in his pants
it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster
or moray eel
telescoping out of its holster
and harpooning ladies left and right
for example this warrior queen Aoife
who he defeats
and then harpoons with his sea monster
and then takes her magic barbed harpoon
which is made
from the bones
OF A SEAMONSTER
see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere
montage montage montage OKAY
NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES
but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU
so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS
MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY
and then is like hey baby whats up
and he steals Emer
and then roams around the country side
killing the requisite number of dudes
to get emer to sleep with him
and then she does
and it’s awesome
and after that
they settle down
to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson
which is that statutory rape is okay
as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.

Life sucks with half a penis

Posted on by
2

OK LETS DO THIS

so there is this dude
he is the son of hermes
and Aphrodite
yeah
that chick gets AROUND
additionally
that chick is really bad at coming up with names
and so is hermes
so what they do
is they take their names
and chop them up
and make a retard soup out of them
and call their son hermaphroditus
i think you can already tell where this story is going

so one day this kid hermaphroditus is walking through the woods
he has been doing this for a fat while
because when you are the son of two gods
you are pretty set for life
and can just do what you damn well please
like march around rome with your dick in your hands
humming the national anthem
i met a homeless guy like that in rome actually
although i am not sure he was the son of any gods
definitely a hermaphrodite though
also he kind of smelled like poop

ANYWAY Hermaphroditus is tooling about in the forest
when he comes to a pool
like
a super sweet pool
lots of really awesome water in this pool ok
and also in this pool
is a super hot nymph
who is too fucking lazy to go hunting with Diana
(yeah i know i’m mixing greek and roman names
but that’s the way ovid does it
so if you wanna go ahead and fly to italy
and dig up the bones of the greatest poet of all time
and fuck him right in the skull
again and again until your gentials are coated in splinters and bonepowder
be my guest
otherwise shut your hole)
she just sits by the pool all day
bathing
and getting out
and bathing
and trying on clothes
and combing her hair
and looking at herself in the water
and bathing
which all serves to make her
totally boneable
but kind of a diva

so this nymph looks up and sees hermaphroditus dicking around
and she is like HOLY SHIT
I WANT TO CUT ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT
REHEAT IT IN A CONVECTION OVEN
SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON IT
AND THEN RUB IT ON MY NAUGHTY PLACES
HEY BOY WHAT DO YOU SAY

and hermaphroditus is like uhhhh
and this nymph is like BOY THE DAME WHO NURSED YOU WAS PRETTY LUCKY
I’D SURE LIKE TO HAVE YOU SUCK ON MY TITS
seriously
you know normally i kind of adlib the pickup lines in these myths
but that is straight up what this broad says
basically
then she is like MARRY ME IMMEDIATELY FOR GUILT-FREE BANGING
and hermaphroditus is like GO AWAY
I AM CONFUSED BY ALL THESE FEELINGS
and the nymph is like ok fine
i’ll leave you alone
and immediately goes and hides in some nearby bushes

so hermaphroditus
being of course a whole goddamn retard convention
instantly rips off his clothes and goes swimming in the lake
like OH I BET THAT HORNY NYMPH ISN’T WATCHING ME OR ANYTHING
and not only does he go swim in the lake
he also slaps himself a bunch
and starts flailing around in the water
like some kind of special mating dance for idiots

of course at the sight of the boy’s pendulous junk
the nymph is like OH SNAP
IT IS PARTY TIME
AND THE PARTY IS IN HERMAPHRODITUS’S PANTS
OR ACTUALLY
SINCE HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS
JUST HIS CROTCH I GUESS
HEY HERMAPHRODITUS PARTY IN YOUR CROTCH

and she jumps out of the foliage
and rapes him in the water
again and again
except he has the presence of mind to keep his dick out of her
which is really disappointing for her
but she just keeps right on dryhumping him
or i guess wethumping him
fwap fwap fwap
but finally she gets fed up with this shit
and is like HEYYY GODDSSSSSS
IF I CANT BONE THIS GUY
AT LEAST MELD OUR BODIES INTO A HORRIBLE MULELIKE HALFBREED
and the gods are like BAM
MOST INTERESTING PRAYER WE GOT ALL DAY
GRANTED

so then hermaphroditus suddenly realizes
that his life has an acute case
of good news/bad news
good news:
the nymph who is raping you is nowhere to be found
bad news:
you now have exactly half a penis
and half a vag
how did this happen
so he gets super pissed
and is like HEY GODS
SINCE I’M HALF A MAN NOW
HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO STEPS IN THIS POOL BECOMES HALF A MAN TOO
and the gods are like WELL TODAY IS THE DAY FOR GRANTING ASININE PRAYERS
YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so now if you step in that pool
which is called salmacis fyi
you get super weak
although your penis does not actually come off

so the moral of the story is
having gods for parents can be sweet
but it’s not going to stop a hot nymph
who wants to evaporate half your dangly bits
and replace them with hers
so if you have god parents
consider becoming an emancipated minor

the end.

Your FACE posted late.

Posted on by
2

Alright so yeah I’m like ten hours late on this
but sometimes there is not even any cell phone receptions
when you are sleeping next to a rock
shaped like a ghost
in the middle of godforsaken Utah
i bet half of you are still up from thursday anyway

so

You know Venus right

Remember how she and mars used to bang
Until Vulcan found out
And dropped a fucking net on her?
Well guess how Vulcan found out about that shit?
THE FUCKING SUN GOD
Phoebus or whatever
Yeah
The sun was rollin through the sky
SPYING ON MARS AND VENUS HAVING SEX
Think of that the next time you take a piss outside
Sun’s checkin’ out your dick my friend
Checkin out your dick

So obviously venus thinks this is pretty creepy
And she is like you know what I’m going to fuck over pheobus now
Cause he fucked me over
By watching me fuck over my husband
So BAM
Phoebus falls head over asshole for this chick Leucothoe
What a fucking obnoxious name by the way
Anyway Phoebus is so fucking in love with this chick
(she is no slouch by the way
her mom is like the hottest chick ever
and she is hotter than her mom)
that he neglects ALL his duties
rising early
setting late
sometimes just getting drunk and not showing up at all
failing hard and often
and also neglecting all his hos in different area codes
like for example this broad Clytie
which I think is another pretty lame name just as an aside

anyway finally phoebus can’t take it anymore
and he is like I MUST GO TO YOU MY LOVE
and he disguises himself as Leucothoe’s mom
all coming into her room like HELLO HONEY
LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERLY KISS ON THE FOREHEAD
HEY SERVANTS WE HAVE PRIVATE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS
MY DAUGHTER AND I
PLEASE LEAVE
So all the servants leave
And Phoebus is like hey
haven’t you always wanted to have sex with your mom
and leucothoe is like what no ew
and phoebus is like haha just kidding this is the sun god right here
open up them legs
I control the sun

And leucothoe is understandably skeptical
And phoebus is like BITCH I AM THE SUN GOD DAMMIT
And leucothoe starts to get pretty scared
And phoebus is like OH BABY YOUR FEAR IS SEXY
ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM
And he turns into a giant ball of fire

Now I know what you’re thinking
No leucothoe does not catch on fire
Although that would be totally sweet
She is actually so impressed by this big-dick display
That she is like OH SHIT TAKE ME NOW
So they bang

But see Clytie finds out about this
And because she is a vindictive ho-clown
She decides to tell EVERYONE
ALL ABOUT IT
TWICE
ESPECIALLY LEUCOTHOE’S DAD
Now leucothoe’s dad is what we call a huge asshole
As soon as he finds out about this shit
He gets super pissed off
I dunno about you
But if I just found out my daughter was boning the SUN
I would be impressed
But no this dude just gets angry
And apparently the way he expresses his anger
Is by BURYING HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE UNDER HEAVY SAND
And phoebus is like oh shit fuck what
And tries to burn the sand away
But leucothoe suffocates to death first
So good job on that
And then phoebus gets super sad
And everyone has to deal with a dim mopey-ass sun for a bit
And Clytie is for some reason terribly surprised
That this prank does not get her back into phoebus’s good graces
So she sits down
And does not move or eat or drink
Subsisting on nothing but dew and her own tears
Literally that is what she eats
Watching the sun go through the sky every day
Until she goes blind
Or actually
No
Until she turns into a sunflower
Yes that is what happens

Anyway the moral of the story is if you’re the sun you shouldn’t have any problems picking up chicks
So get on that

The end.

Another Woman Apollo Failed to Bone

Posted on by
3

So Cassandra, right?

she is this chick
who is one of the daughters
of king priam of troy
you know
the city i just got finished describing the doom of
or actually i did not finish describing the doom of it
because the fucking iliad is a giant cocktease like that
but my friends
the iliad
is not the ONLY cocktease we’re going to be discussing today

so one night cassandra is out partying or something
and she ends up falling asleep in apollo’s temple
WORD TO THE WISE
DO NOT DO THIS
seriously
ever time a hot chick passes out in like
the temple of zeus
or apollo
or whatever
she wakes up with six kinds of dick jammed in her mouth

so yeah, cassandra wakes up
and apollo is there like HEY I SEE YOU HAVE TITS
HOW ABOUT SOME SEX?
he is really the suavest motherfucker
and cassandra is like ok sure
but you gotta give me the gift of prophecy
and apollo is like oh ill give you a gift alright
the gift of PROPHECY

OK NOW HOLD ON A SECOND
is there about to be some
CONSENSUAL SEX
in a GREEK MYTH?!
don’t be so hasty gentle reader
because as soon as apollo gives her the gift of prophecy
and is like alright now lift up them skirts
cassandra is like hm nope
and apollo is like come on what the fuck
i’m movin’ my dick here
and cassandra is like i can see that
but still nope

so then apollo is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
i guess we’re not gonna have sex after all
but will you at least give me a kiss
and cassandra is like sure i guess
and apollo fucking SPITS IN HER MOUTH guys
and not only that
but his spit
IS CURSED
such that cassandra still has the gift of prophecy
but no one will ever believe her ever

so she goes back to troy
and she is like guys paris is gonna fuck us over
and there is gonna be a war with the greeks
and the greeks are gonna win
and we are all gonna die
and everyone is like aww you are so cute
get the fuck back in the kitchen
and then later everyone in troy dies

so the moral of the story is
never tease a cock
because it WILL tease you back
(also never pay hookers in advance
unless you have the power to curse them with your spit)

The end.