So Wei Po-Yang

he’s this chinese dude
super into the arts of alchemy
but not the stupid bullshit arts of alchemy
like turning mercury into gold
or shit into sausages
no
wei po-yang is all about transmuting dying
into NEVER DYING
in other words he is trying to make a pill
that will make him immortal

to that end
at eighteen
he goes up in the mountains
and builds a little house
and spends all his time rooting through the woods
for herbs
and minerals

somehow Po-Yang gets three students
one of them is a dumbass
but he’s a pretty nice guy
the other two are cleverdicks to the max
and Po-Yang gets to thinking hm
my cleverdick students are devious
and they prolly don’t give a shit about the tao
they just wanna live forever
I WILL CONDUCT A TEST

so he calls his three students together
like guys
hey
i made the pill of immortality
check it out
and his students are all like WHOAWAOWOWOAWOWOHOAW
and Po-Yang is like I WILL TEST IT ON MY DOG
so he gives the pill to his dog
and then the dog
stops moving and breathing
and the smart students are like aw fuck
looks like we fucked up again
and Po-Yang is like no not necessarily
maybe it has a different effect on humans
who wants to test it
anyone?

so when none of his students are like YES GIVE ME DEATH PILL
Po-Yang is like fine I’ll try it
and he takes a pill
and does a faceplant into the dirt
and stops breathing

so then his two smart students are like welp
looks like Po-Yang succeeded in making
the exact opposite of the pill of immortality
it would be pretty stupid for us to take those pills now
having witnessed TWO SEPERATE LIVING BEINGS DIE
after ingesting them
time to cut our losses and go
and never tell anyone because they might think we killed him
PEACE

so they get the fuck out of there
leaving dopey mcdumb to stare blankly at his teacher’s corpse
and finally he gets up like hmmmm
master has always been super cautious
SURELY he wouldn’t eat a pill he thought would kill him
even though that is clearly what he did
I think I’LL take one of these poison capsules
so he takes one
and then goes to sit down
and wait to die i guess
when suddenly Wei Po-Yang stands up
like CHARLIE YOU HAVE INHERITED MY CHOCOLATE FACTORY WELL DONE
and then his dog wakes up too!
and then all three of them go shooting up to heaven
even though i’m pretty sure this is just like
a death-induced hallucination
being had by the dead student
as he lies twitching on the ground
foaming at the mouth

except then the two smartasses heading back down the mountain
see the two men and the dog flying through the air
like WOOF WOOF MOTHERFUCKERS
and they’re like OH NO WHAT
WHAT HAPPENED
HOW DID OUR SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS
ACTUALLY END UP DENYING US IMMORTALITY
so they run back up to Po-Yang’s crib
but his fire has gone out
and there are no more pills
so they have to be mortal FOREVER
or i guess until they die

moral of the story
if a charismatic religious figure offers you a pill
eat it
even if it has been clearly demonstrated
numerous times
to be deadly poison
in fact
especially in that case
take two if you can
take a dozen
take all of them
come on don’t you want to be immortal

The end.

So there’s this cat Cheng Wei

he’s some kind of chinese nobleman or whatever
who gives a shit
this story isn’t really about him
it’s more about
what an asshole he is
and also about his wife
whose name i have no way of knowing

anyway one day Cheng Wei is being a puss nexus
like WAAAAAH
WAAAAH
I’VE GOT A BIG OL MEETING IN AN HOUR
WITH LIKE THE EMPEROR OR SOMETHING
AND I ORDERED A SILK ROBE
AND IT IS NOT READY YET
WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

and his wife is like chill dude
and she waves her hands
and two bolts of silk appear on the table
and then she waves her hands
and the silk becomes a really sweet robe
way to take all the skill out of robemaking by the way
but so then she gives the robe to Chen Wei
like BAM
THE DAY IS SAVED
THANKS TO MY WEIRD FASHION MAGIC
and her husband is like thanks
but also i am secretly jealous
of your weird fashion magic

so both Chen Wei and his wife
have a hobby
this hobby
is called ALCHEMY
so while some people like to spend their evenings
having sex and smoking opium
these two spend their evenings
not having sex and turning mercury into gold
or at least trying
see Cheng Wei sucks at alchemy
he could not even transmute bacon
into slighly less bacon
he is just really shitty at this

but then one night
after a long evening of solitary failure
cheng wei walks past his wife’s laboratory
yeah
she totally has a laboratory
and he looks in and sees something glinty in her hands
and he busts in like BITCH
DID YOU MAKE GOLD AND NOT TELL ME
and his wife is like yeah what of it
and Chen Wei is like WELL
WE COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING TWICE AS MUCH GOLD
DO YOU HEAR ME
DOUBLEGOLD
and his wife is like sure ok
but you aren’t destined to learn alchemy
so fuck that
go away

so then Cheng Wei goes away
but he’s SUPER PISSED about it
and he starts trying to like
bribe his wife into telling him the secret
using gold and jewels
and his wife is like psh
i can MAKE gold and jewels
out of PISS and CARDBOARD
fuck off
so then Cheng Wei gets DOUBLE PISSED
and he hits up his friend
like hey
why dont you go beat up my wife for alchemy secrets
if you get me some secrets
i will make you rich i promise

so Cheng Wei’s friend
we’ll call him Cheng Asshole
comes up with a plan
that involves poisoning Cheng Wei’s wife
and then withholding the antidote
but she figures out that this is what is going on
and she goes to her husband like
hey Cheng Wei
hey
certain people just aren’t destined
to receive the tao
okay?
maybe i’ll meet a guy on the street tomorrow
and decide to teach him alchemy
because of destiny
maybe i will never tell anyone
and Cheng Asshole will poison me and i will vomit my uterus
either way
quit being a dick

then she goes to her room
gets naked
smears mud all over her body
and goes streaking out of town
like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH
TOTALLY CRAZY NOW GUYS
and her husband tries to chase her
but she has crazy legs
and so can’t be stopped

later all the townspeople
see a crazy woman go shooting up towards heaven
to live with the immortals
and meanwhile Cheng Wei
spends the rest of his life
trying to make the pill of immortality
and turn mercury into gold
and fails at both things
and is bitter and sad forever

moral of the story?
never marry someone smarter than you
they will just end up smearing their naked body with mud
and ascending to heaven

The End

Oh hey so first of all guys
Good news
I just got TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS DONATED TO ME
by loving fan(s)
through the medium of the INTERNET
so i am going to pass the joy i feel in my heart
along to you
in the form of the first ever ULTRA VIDEO MYTH
as in tomorrow I am going to post a totally new
totally sweet myth
that i have never written down
and i am just going to scream it into the camera
and it is going to come flying out of your speakers and monitor
and just utterly rip off your face
and then i am going to have to find new readers for my blog
so for my sake
when you come to this website tomorrow
please
hold on to your faces
hold on tight

now to the pleasure part of this business
you are about to hear a story
about magic
and poop
and i wish i could say the magic was the most important part

So Fei Chang-fang right
he’s interested in the tao from a very early age
and then at a slightly less early age
he becomes a police officer
but then he quits because fuck the police

so then one day Chang-fang is hanging out at a restaurant
and he sees this old man
come walking into the town square
and sit down
and pull some medicinal herbs
cough cough
out of a large gourd
and sell them all day

now chang-fang
having just quit his job
has nothing better to do
than sit in the restaurant
and watch this dude sell drugs all day
so that’s what he does
and at the end of the day
the old dude puts all his herbs back into the gourd
and then
shoop
jumps into the gourd himself
and chang-fang just sits there like

what

so he comes back to the restaurant every day
for like the next week
and the old guy does the same thing every day
and finally chang-fang is like
fuck it i’m gonna go talk to this dude
so he gets up
and walks across the courtyard
but right when he is about to get up in the old guy’s shit
the old guy goes SHOOP MOTHERFUCKER
and jumps into his gourd
so Chang-Fang goes and looks in the gourd
and i will be DAMNED my friends
if there isn’t an entire fucking HOUSE in that gourd
(clarification: there is
there is definitely a house in that gourd)
and the old dude is sitting in there
and he walks right up to the mouth of the gourd
and looks chang-fang right in the eye
and is like HOW DID YOU SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
ONLY PEOPLE
WHO CAN LEARN MAGIC
CAN SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
DO YOU WANT TO LEARN MAGIC
HERE
COME HAVE LUNCH IN MY GOURD

so chang-fang jumps into the gourd with the old dude
and they have a tasty lunch
and they have many tasty lunches for days afterwards
and discuss the mysteries of the tao

now this could be the end of the story right here
but i think that we can all agree
that that would be pretty lame
and some of you out there are probably thinking to yourselves
hold on
didn’t he promise us some poop
i want to see some poop
well hold your poophorses my friends
because this story is just getting started

so one day the old man in the gourd is like
hey chang-fang
i have a confession to make
i am actually a taoist immortal
imprisoned on earth for breaking the laws of heaven
they make me sell drugs down here
to atone
probably
for selling drugs up there
anyway I get out tomorrow
and i’m totally going back to the immortal kingdom
do you want to come

and Chang-Fang is like DO I
fuck do i?
cause see
Chang-fang has a family
and he doesn’t want them to worry about him
and the old dude is like boy do i have a solution for that
here
take this bamboo stick
and hang it from a tree in front of your house
so chang-fang does
and then his parents come outside
and they see the stick
only instead of a stick they see THEIR SON
HE KILLED HIMSELF THEY ARE SO SAD
and they start crying
and meanwhile chang-fang is like guys
guys
totally not dead guys
standing right here
right next to the stick you are crying about
but they don’t see or hear him
so the old man is like welp
looks like i just destroyed your only reason
for not coming with me
wanna come with me?
and Chang-Fang is like yeah ok

so they journey to the immortal mountains
which are some pretty sweet mountains
let me tell you
i mean actually that’s all i know about them
never having been there or anything
but trust me they are pretty sweet

so the old man leads chang-fang into a cave
and he is like sit down on this slab of rock
and chang-fang does
and then the old man is like WAM BAM WIZZOW
and conjures a huge rock over chang-fang’s head
suspended by a puny-ass rope
and then he’s like FIZZANG PACHOW BLORB
and summons a bunch of snakes
that start biting the shit out of the rope
and the rope starts to fray
and chang-fang is just like yawn
i see you have some snakerope
well done i guess

so the old man is like NICE!
you can totally learn magic and divination
alright follow me
and he leads him up a mountain pass
and then
wait for it guys
wait for it
he waves his hands
and ABRA KADABRA
IT’S POOPTIME
seriously there is just so much poop all of a sudden
just a massive pile of poops
and do you know what it is covered in
not marshmallows
or peanut brittle
MAGGOTS
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF MAGGOTS
and the old man grabs three maggots
and is like here Chang-fang
here are some maggots for you to eat
and chang-fang is like what no
and the old man is like aww man
i thought you were cool
looks like you don’t get to be an immortal
EVER
and chang-fang is like i guess that’s ok
if being an immortal means i have to eat poopmaggots
wait actually
what i meant to say
is i’m totally cool with not being immortal
as long as i can use my powers to help people
and make their lives better
by the way do you have any magic gifts for me
and the old man is like well
since you have SUCH A GOOD HEART
you can have my gourd full of drugs
and you can have this magical walking stick
just tap it on the ground
and it will teleport you wherever you wanna go
really not much of a walking stick
more of a teleporting stick
anyway GOODBYE AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

so then chang-fang kind of starts to wonder
how his parents are doing
and he teleports home
and knocks on his door
all like hey dad what’s up HOLY SHIT YOU’RE OLD
and his dad is like OH FUCK A GHOST
so no one is happy all of a sudden
but then chang-fang is like calm down dad
i’m not a ghost
i just pranked you into burying a bamboo stick
and thinking it was me
here we’ll go dig it up
so they do
and then everyone is happy again
and they have a banquet
but chang-fang is confused
because all his relatives
are mega old for some reason
and he is like mom why are you guys so old
i was only gone for like
a day
and his mom is like WRONG SON
YOU WERE GONE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS
BECAUSE OF CELESTIAL TIME DILATION
and chang-fang is like oh
well ok
by the way i have to go help people now
i’ll try to visit sometimes

so then he travels all over the place
healing the sick and capturing demons and shit
and one day he comes to a town
where the inns are full
so he goes to a mansion
like can I stay here
and the mansion guy is like sure no problem
so he goes in
and while he’s having dinner
he is like OH SHIT GUYS
I SENSE AN EVIL FOG OF DEATH ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE
LEAVE NOW
LEAVE ME ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE
WITH YOUR POSESSIONS
DON’T COME BACK UNTIL SUNRISE
OR YOU WILL DIE
and the house people are like well WHAT
WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS
and chang-fang is like NOTHING GUYS
SHIT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES IS ALL
so the people leave the house
while the rest of the village is like
great job getting your posessions stolen
by some random shitty healer guys
but when they come back to the house in the morning
all their animals are dead
every single one
and they are like damn
thanks for saving us chang-fang
i mean you probably could have tried
to save some of our animals too
but still
thanks man
we’ll totally make offerings
to the mountain shrines
once a year
on this day
in honor of your weird death-prescience

so yeah
eventually chang-fang dies
because he didn’t want to eat poop
but before that he lived a long life
healing people
and making sure that the gourd
became the symbol of healers everywhere
and in the end
i’m not really sure
if there was ever a chance
that chang-fang was gonna be an immortal
or if that whole poop mountain thing
was just that asshole immortal’s idea
of a really great prank
which just goes to show
that you should never eat poop
or the maggots that live in poop
no matter who tells you to
or what they are offering you
just to be safe

The end.