Neil Gaiman made up this myth

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So tiger

he’s got huge balls
I’m talking HUGE
these balls are so big
they have like
other smaller balls
ORBITING THEM
these are some rough and rowdy
rude and crude
out of control balls
and tiger is extremely proud of them

so one day tiger goes down to the river with his friend anansi
i dont know how anansi has any friends
since he does nothing but betray them and eat their food
but anyway they go down to the river
and anansi is like hey let’s go swimming
and tiger is like well ok
but i dont want to get my precious balls wet
they might shrink momentarily
get all pruney and shit
and anansi is like well ok
since i’m such a good friend
you can go swimming
and leave your balls here with me
and i’ll watch over them while you go have summertime fun
nothing bad will happen i promise
so tiger is like dur ok
and he leaves his balls there with anansi
and goes swimming

now anansi
being a spider
has tiny tiny balls
these balls are like
invisible to the naked eye
in fact just looking at them
makes other peoples’ balls shrink two sizes
they call it “the reverse testicular grinch”
or they would if they had doctor seuss back then
but even though his balls are small
they have got to be INCREDIBLY DENSE
packed tight with TESTICULAR FORTITUDE
because as soon as tiger is out of sight
anansi rips off his balls
and sticks tiger’s balls onto his dick instead
and leaves his tiny spider balls behind
and runs the fuck away

anansi doesnt stop running the fuck away
until he gets to the next town
and in the next town anansi meets a monkey
and the monkey is like YO ANANSI WHATS GOOD
NICE BALLS MAN
and anansi is like haha thanks
feelin’ super manly today
speaking of which
i heard this hilarious song this morning
i can’t get it out of my head
and monkey is like dude what is the song
and anansi is like ahem it goes like this:

tiger’s balls, yeah
I ate tiger’s balls
now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all
nobody put me up against the big black wall
cos I ate tiger’s testimonials
I ate tiger’s balls

and monkey is like AMAZINGGGGGGG
I’M GOING TO SING IT TO ALL MY FRIENDS
AND WE ARE GOING TO SING IT LOUDLY
ALL DAY EVER DAY
and anansi is like sweet
go ahead and do that

so then anasi runs back to the river
and he sees tiger running around
furious with tiny spider balls dangling from his dick
like ANANSI
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WATCH MY BALLS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and anansi is like IT WAS THE MONKEYS MAN
I AM SO SORRY
WHOLE BUNCH OF MONKEYS CAME
AND STOLE YOUR BALLS
AND I WAS LIKE NO STOP
STOP YOU MONKEYS
THOSE ARE THE BALLS OF A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE
but the monkeys were like
HAHAHA FUCK YOU
and then they ripped off MY balls
and left them there
for you to find
and tiger is like i am pretty suspicious
because you suddenly have huge tiger balls
and I have your balls
so i am going to eat your liver
just to be safe
but just then
a whole bunch of monkeys start swinging through the trees
singing like

LA LA LA
I ATE TIGER’S BALLS
LA LA LA
BALLS BALLS BALLS

and tiger is like YOU BASTARDS
and he goes off to kill every monkey
leaving anansi to enjoy his massive
MASSIVE
testicles

the moral of the story is
you don’t need to feel sad or inferior
just cause you’ve got tiny balls
just find a friend with huge balls
and steal them
and then blame some monkeys

The end

Pecos Bill Has a Wife Sometimes

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So there’s this chick Slue-Foot Sue

first of all what the fuck does that mean
i looked up slue on the internet
and the dictionary says it means
TO TURN SHARPLY OR VEER
so i guess slue-foot sue is short for like
Sue with the really shitty ankles?

but guys
her ankles aren’t shitty at all
in fact the day pecos bill meets her
she is using her ankles
to ride a GIANT CATFISH DOWN THE RIO GRANDE
holding on with one hand
using the other hand to constantly fire a pistol
AT THE CLOUDS
AND SHE IS ACTUALLY KILLING CLOUDS GUYS
NO ONE KNOWS HOW SHE WAS DOING THIS

so of course pecos bill sees the only chick in the world
just as batshit fucking insane as he
and is like OH BABY LET’S GET MARRIED
and slue foot sue
being batshit insane
says YESSSSSSSS

So they get married the next day
slue foot sue is wearing one of those big hoop skirts
remember that because it is super important later
anyway
right after the wedding
sue is like
HEY PECOS HEY PECOS
LET ME RIDE YOUR HORSE
YOU KNOW
THE ONE CALLED WIDOWMAKER
and pecos bill is like hey wife
what are you crazy
and sue is like YES OF COURSE
and pecos bill is like but the horse is called widowmaker
because he makes widows
like
married men get onto my horse
and then the horse kills them
with his insane bucking action
i don’t even know why i ride this horse honestly
i guess as an effective anti-theft measure
and slue-foot sue is like
WELL IM NOT A MARRIED MAN
IM A MARRIED WOMAN
LET ME RIDE THE PONY
so pecos bill is like fine
and sue gets on the horse
and the horse
immediately bucks her into the stratosphere
i am not speaking figuratively
she actually flies into the stratosphere
up among the clouds
which are still pissed cause she shot them
but then i guess gravity gets off its ass
and decides to do something
cause she comes back down
but then her GIANT HOOP SKIRT
acts like a GIANT POGO STICK
and bounces her back into the sky
and this keeps happening
for FOUR DAYS
while everyone watches and tries to figure out what to do
and she keeps hitting her head on the moon
and crying
it is pretty hilarious

anyway after 4 days
all the dudes at the wedding decide
that she is NEVER GOING TO SLOW DOWN EVER
despite the fact that she really should
considering gravity
and friction
and all those other piddly laws of physics
so pecos bill shoots her
to put her out of her misery
and then goes on to marry a steady train of other women forever
leaving slue foot sue’s corpse to apparently bounce forever

moral of the story:
learn physics
it might save your wedding

The End.

Tornadoes are Emo as Fuck

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SO PECOS BILL AGAIN

last time we saw him
he was a fucking coyote or some shit
at least he thought he was
but that is NO LONGER THE CASE
he is now a grown man
acutely aware of the fact
that he is not any kind of a coyote
but also acutely unaware
of certain basic facts of physics

like for example:

YOU CANNOT RIDE A TORNADO LIKE IT IS A HORSE
TORNADOES DIFFER FROM HORSES
IN MANY DISTINCT WAYS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

anyway pecos bill is up in kansas for some reason
and he is like hey
you know what would be great to ride right now
A FUCKING TORNADO
so he hangs out in tornado country for a while
checkin’ out the tornadoes
he even lets a couple pass by unmolested
because they are simply not dangerous enough
and finally he sees this one tornado
tearing the shit out of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
turning the sky black and green and shit
and he is like alright
i was worried
that I wasn’t going to get to do anything DANGEROUSLY SUICIDAL today
now’s my chance

so pecos bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground like he is about to rape the shit out of it
and then does one better and climbs on it
and is like giddy the fuck up you son of a bitch
so the tornado
obviously
is like FUCKITY FUCK NO
it actually seriously starts cursing
like
pecos bill has pissed off this natural phenomenon so much
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
it has also gained the power to tear ass through all of America
tying rivers in knots and skullfucking forests
killing thousands of animals
destroying vast swaths of land
they get to texas
and pecos bill is still chilling out on this tornado
just occasionally digging his spurs into it
i don’t know what he found to dig his spurs into
but whatever it is it sure pisses the tornado off

so finally the tornado is like aww jesus fuck
no matter what i do
this asshole just keeps sitting on me
occasionally making cowboy or wolf noises at me
this is horrible
life is horrible
why me

so of course the tornado decides to commit suicide
it flies over to the grand canyon
and cries itself out of existence
raining so hard it fills up the fucking canyon
and as a result of this pathetic supernatural pity festival
pecos bill suddenly finds himself
with nothing to ride
and he flies through the air
and hits the ground so hard
it creates death valley
and then a bunch of cowboys are like
whoa that looks pretty sweet
let’s make that a sport
only let’s do it with horses instead of tornadoes
and they invented rodeo

so the moral of the story is
dismantle FEMA
Pecos Bill could have singlehandedly stopped Katrina
or maybe made it like
a thousand times worse
in fact probably that is the more likely scenario
seeing as pecos’ little dickscapade
effectively devastated like 50% of america
so the real moral of the story is
stay the fuck away from tornados
rodeo has already been invented so you have nothing to gain

The End

HORSES

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alright before we begin
i just want to go on the record
and say that google adsense
is the closest you can get to a scam
without actually giving your money
to some kind of unscrupulous character
with very shiny hair
and too many briefcases
who maybe has like
a trenchcoat
and some watches in the trenchcoat
some watches and some knives
he can probably get you human organs he is so unscrupulous
seriously if you are starting a blog
and you are thinking hm
i want to generate some revenue
maybe i’ll try this google adsense business
do yourself a favor
and just go rub your head around inside an iron maiden for a few hours
you will make exactly the same amount of money i promise
and you’ll get some cool scars
like maybe one will look like a sweet racing stripe
for your FACE
which is more than google adsense has ever done for me
so go ahead assholes
cancel my account
come on i dare you
because honestly guys
i am too much of a pussy
to give up the 45 dollars you will never pay me
because you insist on only paying out 100 bucks at a time
because i cling to a vain belief that one day
ONE DAY
I will make the rest of the money
and laugh and laugh as i go to the bank and turn it all into pennies
and fill a kiddie pool with it
and dive into it like scrooge mcduck
laughing and cavorting
and injuring myself fatally

WOO TANGENT

ANYWAY

here i am again
come crawling back to greek mythology
after a long abstinence
like i’m in an abusive relationship
only my significant other
is a bunch of idiot children with superpowers
who just keep disappointing me
with their startlingly violent brand of immaturity
and i just keep crawling back because deep down
i know they love me
i know they love me

so there’s this guy Bellerophon right
he gets exiled for murdering a citizen of corinth
where he grew up
he murders this guy for basically no reason
but it’s ok
because he wanders around for a bit
until this dude king proteus absolves him of his guilt
and is like hey
come live in my kingdom Tiryns
we need more murderers in tiryns

so bellerophon is like sweet ok
and he goes and hangs out in tiryns
and he is there for like fifteen minutes
when Proteus’s wife Stheneboea is like hey sugar
how about murdering MY citizens
and by murdering i mean having sex with
and by citizens i mean vagina
and bellerophon is like what
what the fuck
no
gross
eww
who are you
what is wrong with you
and Stheneboea is like ok well fuck you too
hey proteus
hey husband proteus
guess what Bellerophon did
he tried to have sexual intercourse with me
he was totally coming onto me
but i was like NO WAY JOSE because i am good wife
and Proteus is like RRRR I WANT TO MURDER THAT GUY
BUT I CAN’T
CAUSE HE’S MY GUEST
HEY BELLEROPHON COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and Bellerophon is like sure dude what’s up
and proteus is like here
take this letter
deliver it to king Iobates of Lycia
nothing bad will happen
and Bellerophon is like i believe you no problem

so Bellerophon takes the letter to lycia
and since he is illiterate
(and in fact everyone is illiterate at this time in history
and i’m not even sure how Proteus wrote the letter)
he doesn’t read the letter and find out
that it says
DEAR IOBATES
DO YOU SEE THIS GUY HOLDING THIS LETTER
DO ME A SOLID
MURDER HIM
KISSES,
KING PROTEUS

so bellerophon gets to lycia
and he gives iobates the letter
and iobates reads it
and is like aw fuck you proteus
seriously?
you know i’m bound by the same laws of hospitality right
i can’t kill guests
and guess what
BELLEROPHON IS A GUEST

so instead of murdering Bellerophon
Iobates hooks him up with sweet feasts
for FOUR DAYS
this is like antimurder right here
but then after 4 days he has an idea
he is like hey Bellerophon
can you do me a solid
and Bellerophon is like sure
do you need me to deliver another letter
do you need me to eat more feasts
do you need me to murder your citizens
these are three areas in which i excel
and Iobates is like no no
how about instead
you kill THE CHIMAERA for me

now the chimaera
for those of you who dont know
is this big lion
that is also a snake
and also a goat
and breathes fire
and is directly related to both the hydra
AND cerberus
so it’s basically like you took one of those kid’s toys
with the little spinny sections with animals on them
that mix and match
and you picked the THREE MOST HORRIFYING SECTIONS
and you lined them up
and glued that shit in place
and then it became giant and it started breathing FIRE

now when iobates describes this thing
he does not sugarcoat it AT ALL
he is practically shitting himself with fear
as he describes this invincible beast
but see this is all part of his plan
because he knows
that bellerophon
will take any opportunity
to prove that he’s a big man
and predictably
Bellerophon is like psh
sounds like a piece of cake
I’ll DO IT
and iobates is like haha sucker
umm i mean GREAT! WONDERFUL!

so bellerophon gets down to the serious business
of figuring out how to kill this horrorbeast
and he does some research
and is like hm
well every time someone tries to attack it on foot
the chimera kills them
and one time a guy showed up on a horse
and the chimera shot the horse out from under him
and then killed him
so the solution must be
to not go on foot or on a horse
this leaves two options
by sea
or by air
but it would be really hard to get a boat into the chimera’s lair
because it is MILES AWAY FROM ANY COAST
so really there is only one option
TOTAL AERIAL ANNIHILATION

but instead of building a helicopter like I would have
he starts having these fancy prancy dreams
about riding nancy boy sky ponies
and then athena comes to him in a dream
all like HEY PRETTY SUNSHINE TAKE THIS GOLDEN PRETTY PONY BRIDLE
and bellerophon is like OH MAN IT IS SO PRETTY
I AM GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS
and he wakes up
and it’s like in nightmare on elm street
where he still has the golden bridle or whatever when he wakes up
man remember when johnny depp gets sucked into the bed
and then his blood all shoots at the ceiling
man that is fucking crazy shit
anyway yeah bellerophon wakes up and goes to a lake
and puts his nancy boy bridle on the fucking pegasus
which is actually a pretty badass horse
seeing as it flew out of medusa’s neck
when perseus chopped her head off
can you imagine that
that would be pretty fucking sweet to watch
how often do you get to see an acute case of HORSENECK

so yeah then he gets to ride a flying horse
but he still needs a weapon
so he just gets a spear
but then he’s like man this spear is not nearly clumsy enough
gods what should i do
and the gods are all like PUT A BIG CHUNK OF LEAD ON THE FRONT OF IT
and bellerophon is like dur ok
so he sticks a big old hunk of lead to the front of it
but it actually works out fine
cause then he goes and charges the chimera
and jams the lead into its throat
like a big rusty heavy toilet plunger
choking it hardcore
and then the chimera is like FUCK THIS
FIREBREATHING TIME
and it breathes fire
and all the lead melts and goes down its throat
and it dies of lead poisoning
bam
greatest monster ever
reduced to the level of a bunch of dead babies in the 90s

so Iobates hears about this
and is like FUCK
hey bellerophon
will you do me another favor
will you kill these incredibly dangerous
and deadly locals for me
and bellerophon is like sure
and he does it
because he has a fucking FLYING HORSE
so iobates is like how about some amazons
and bellerophon is like PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like how about i ambush you with some soldiers
and bellerophon is like DOUBLE PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like ok how about i give you half my kingdom
and my daughter
and bellerophon is like shit yeah

bellerophon is so pumped by his success
that he immediately flies back to king proteus
and is like hey Stheneboea
howsabout you and me go for a ride on my PEGASUS
and stheneboea is like sweet
this can’t possibly go wrong
and they go flying all the fuck everywhere
and then bellerophon is like PSYCHE
PUSHIN’ YA OFF THE HORSE BIIIIIITCH
THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME

then he goes back to his kingdom
and becomes quickly convinced
that he is such hot shit
that he really ought to go chill on olympus
with all the gods and shit
so he gets on his horse
and points in the direction of olympus
and is like
giddy
the fuck
up

so pegasus is just cruisin’ through the sky
when the gods catch on to what’s happening
and are like aw hell no
we are having a totally private orgy
and bellerophon is not invited
so they send a gadfly
which is just a name for the most annoying fly possible
to go bite pegasus’ ass
and then pegasus bucks
and bellerophon
being a shitty horseman
falls off
and breaks all his limbs
and gets to wander the earth forever
cripped and friendless

so the moral of the story is
always wear a seatbelt

THE END

Three in the Morning

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Hey guys I’m back

all my myths recently have been way long
so here’s a short one

basically one day somewhere in china
there is this farmer
i dont know what his name is
that is not how Chang Tzu works ok
he doesnt waste time
telling you what peoples’ names are
actually he’s not even a farmer
he’s a monkey trainer
sorry

look
anyway
this monkey trainer goes to his monkeys
and he is like hey
monkeys
you can miraculously understand human speech right
and the monkeys are like SURE CAN
and he’s like good
ok
here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to give you three chestnuts each in the morning
and four chestnuts each at night

and all the monkeys are like WHAAAAAAT
BULLSHIT
WE WANT FOUR CHESTNUTS IN THE MORNING

so the trainer is like sure ok
and he gives them four chestnuts in the morning
and three at night

now the moral of this story
is supposed to be
that there is nothing to be gained
from quibbling over “the way things are supposed to be”
you have got to be willing to change your plans
in order to please your herd of petulant monkeys
but really
i think the moral is something more along the lines of
what the fuck is wrong with monkeys
they are basically like
objectively worse people
what do we need monkeys for
they don’t pollinate flowers
or turn carbon dioxide into oxygen
or catch mice
they basically just throw their shit at us
and fuck each other to death in trees
and make poorly-thought-out demands of their trainers

so really the moral of the story is
why the fuck would you be a monkey trainer
don’t be a monkey trainer

The end

WHOOPS

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Good thing i have internet in this godforsaken wilderness
below is the original text of the myth for the day
below that
is another myth
for thursday
PROBLEMS SOLVED STARTING NOW:

OH SNAP

NO MYTH ABOUT BRER RABBIT TODAY
because frankly
that guy is a prick
and i am sick of talking about him
so instead
IT’S SCOTLAND TIME

now scotland right
it is going through
one hell of a depression
like
terminal depression
real bad
so bad
there is this family right
and they cant afford to feed all their kids
so the parents are like WELP
GUESS WE GOTTA GET RID OF OUR THREE YOUNGEST
CAUSE IT WILL BE LESS PAINFUL FOR EVERYONE
IF THEY GET EATEN BY WOLVES
INSTEAD OF STARVING TO DEATH IN HERE
WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM AND FEEL BAD ABOUT IT

so they cast off their three youngest
who all happen to be girls
like they are chucking sandbags out a hot air balloon
in some kind of dramatic hot air balloon chase
perhaps the finale of some wacky action comedy
only instead of wacky adventures
they are setting their kids up for DEATH BY EXPOSURE

so these three girls are out in the woods
the oldest girl
i forget her name
and so does the whole internet apparently
so i’ll call her
Pansy MacNobody
she starts blubbering and pissing herself
and her sister
the second oldest
who i am going to call Worthless O’Dipshit
i guess thinks this is some kind of being scared contest
and so she pisses herself twice as hard
and also cries a lot
but the youngest girl
whose name is MOLLY WHOOPEE
is like guys
hey guys
sisters
SHUT
THE FUCK
UP

I am going to get us through this
me
all on my own
because i guess you guys all forgot your competence
in our mom’s birth-sack
and when i was born
i grabbed all that shit
and tied it around my waist
and now i am at least three times more competent
than anyone else in the world

so true to her word
molly whoopee leads her sisters through the woods
and they find a castle
and molly goes up and knocks on the door
and a big big big big woman opens the door
like OH SHIT GO AWAY GUYS
GUYS MY HUSBAND IS A GIANT
and molly whoopee is like no shit so are you
and the woman is like NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
HE WILL EAT YOU
and molly is like bitch
the only people
who are going to be eating anything
are me and my sisters
let us in and give us some fucking SOUP

so the giant lady lets them in
and they have SOUP
and it is DELICIOUS
but then the giant husband comes home
and he actually does that stereotypical giant thing
where it is like FEE FI FO FUM
I SMELL SOME MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD IN HERE
and his wife is like shut the fuck up husband
we all know you’re a giant already
you don’t have to go perpetuating
these racist stereotypes
about how giants yell that all the time
kind of like how dwarves
are all scummy little bastards who fuck gold rings

but the husband is having none of it
he is like I AM GOING TO EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU LITTLE GIRLS
and his wife is like no you are not
you are not going to embarrass me in front of company like that
and the giant is like ok fine
you guys can eat that soup
and i won’t eat you
and you can even stay the night
i guess

so they do
molly and her worthless sisters
end up sleeping in the same bed
as the giant’s three daughters
and before they all go to sleep
the giant comes in
and he puts a gold collar on each of his daughters
and then straw collars on molly and her sisters
and then he’s like goodnight girls
sleep well
try not to die brutally during the night
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

now molly gets a little suspicious about all this
and she waits until everyone is asleep
and then switches all the collars
so she and her sisters are wearing the gold ones
and the giant girls are wearing the straw ones
see the first time i heard this story
i thought she was just trying to steal some gold
but that is not what it is at all
cause see a couple hours later
when the whole house is quiet
the giant sneaks into the room in the dark
and he feels around on the girl’s necks
and whenever he finds a neck with a collar of straw on it
he strangles that neck
he strangles it hard
i don’t understand what this solves for the giant
like
if his wife wakes up in the morning
and finds molly and her sisters strangled in bed
she is still going to know it was her husband
it’s not like this will help him get away with anything
but anyway it’s a moot point
because instead of strangling molly and her sisters
the giant strangles ALL HIS DAUGHTERS
and then leaves the room
very pleased with himself
at which point molly wakes up her sisters
and they get THE FUCK OUT OF THAT CASTLE

so after a lot of running
and then some walking
and maybe even some sleep who knows
molly and gang arrive at another castle
this one happens to not be full of giants
which is already a pretty sweet deal
what’s more
molly gets to talk to the king
and she tells him how she pranked the giant
and the king starts laughing his ASS off
and is like man
I have not laughed that hard in a while
he killed his DAUGHTERS?
instant comedy
here
try some haggis
(note: haggis is a scottish delicacy
made of intestines and terror
other scottish delicacies include:
suffering)
and molly is like no no no nono
i’m alright thank you
even though i’m starving
do you have anything else?
and the king is like well
i have a sweet quest you could go on
how about you go back to that giant
and you steal the sword he keeps over his bed
and molly is like what’s in it for me
and the king is like how about
i marry my oldest son to your oldest sister
and molly is like SOLD
MY SISTER CAN HOOK ME UP LATER
SHE BETTER FUCKING HOOK IT UP
GIVEN ALL THE BULLSHIT I GO THROUGH
CAUSE SHE CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH
TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF

so that night
molly goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and climbs up the headboard of the giant’s bed
and grabs the hilt of the sword
and slides it gently and carefully off the rack
and balances it on her back
and is halfway out the door
WHEN THE GIANT WAKES UP
AND HE IS LIKE I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEE
and molly is like haha it sounds funny when you say my name
and she runs
and he runs
and she runs
and he runs
until they come to this bridge
called the bridge of one hair
as you can probably imagine
this is a very thin bridge guys
so molly crosses it
and the giant cannot even put one foot on it
so he settles for standing on the other side of the bridge like
YOU BETTER NOT COME ACROSS THIS BRIDGE AGAIN HO
and molly is like how about instead
i come back two more times
biiitch

so she brings the sword back to the king
and the king is like SWEET DEAL
HERE PANSY MACNOBODY
HAVE MY SON
molly you have done well
how bout some haggis
and molly is like how about shut up
and the king is like how bout another mission
i’ll marry my second oldest son to your other sister
and molly’s like what i gotta do
and the king is like how bout
you get the sack of gold
the giant keeps under his pillow
and molly is like SOLD

so that night
she goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and she climbs up onto the bed
and she goes to the pillow
but the giant’s giant head
is on the pillow
so she can’t pull it out
so what she does
she pulls a goose feather out of the pillow
scratch that
a GIANT goose feather
and she tickles the giant’s nose
and he rears up and SNEEZES
and molly grabs the sack of gold
and books it out the door

BUT THEN THE GIANT WAKES UP{
like I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEE
and molly is like haha it never gets old
and he runs
and she runs
and he runs and she runs
until they get to the bridge of one hair
and molly runs across
and the giant is like DON’T FUCKING COME BACK YOU WHORE
and molly is like DONT WORRY
I’M ONLY GONNA COME BACK ONE MORE TIME
see she’s got this shit all planned out

so she gets back to the castle
and the king is like haggis?
and molly is like no
how about a third mission
and the king is like i was thinking the same thing
bring me the ring the giant wears on his finger
and i will marry you to my youngest son
and also make you my heir designate
and molly is like SOLD AND DOUBLE SOLD

so that night
she goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and she climbs up onto the bed
and she slides the giant’s ring past his first knuckle
but then
it gets STUCK!
SHIT!
but it’s okay
molly goes to the kitchen
and finds some lard
and rubs it all over the giant’s finger
and POP
OFF COMES THE RING
and molly puts it around the waist
and is about to run awaySURPRISE
THE GIANT WAKES UP
GRABS HER
and is like WHAT NOW BITCH
and molly is like i don’t know bitch
what now

and the giant is like hmm
i don’t know actually
i’m really bad at coming up with punishments
last time i came up with one
i killed my daughters
so like
if i was you
and you was me
what would you do
and molly is like seriously
and the giant is like yeah
and molly is like ok well
i guess i’d put you in a burlap sack
with a dog and a cat
and a needle and thread
and a pair of shears
(NOTE: shears is scottish for scissors
you’re welcome america)
and then i’d hang you from the door in the kitchen
and i’d go out into the woods
and i’d find the biggest strongest sapling
and pull it up by the roots
and come back here
and beat you to death
that’s what i’d do

so the giant is like hmmm
that sounds just crazy enough to work
so he puts her in a burlap sack
with a dog and a cat
and a needle and thread
and a pair of scissors
and hangs her from the door in the kitchen
and then goes out into the woods to find the biggest sapling
so he can come back and beat the shit out of molly

meanwhile
the giant’s wife comes into the kitchen
and starts making some soup
and molly hears her
and just starts going
OH MY GOODNESS
HOLY FUCKING JESUS SHIT
THE INSIDE OF THIS BAG IS SO AMAZING
I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCES SUCH A THING IN MY LIFE BEFORE
and the wife is like whaaaaat?
what’s so amazing about it
and molly is like I CANT
LIKE I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IT
IT’S JUST SO FUCKING MINDBLOWING
BOY I SURE DO LOVE IT IN THIS BAG
and the giant’s wife is like can i look in the bag
and molly is like NO THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE IN HERE
FUCK YOU
and the wife is like pleeeeeease
and molly is like WELL NO
and then the wife is like PRETTY PLEASE
and molly is like OK
I GUESSSSSSSSS
so she takes the shears
(scottish for scissors guys
remember)
and she cuts a hole in the bag
and she gets out
and then she is like come on in
and the giant’s wife climbs in
and molly sews the bag shut with the needle and thread
and then goes and hides behind the door
the wife kind of fails to see what is so amazing about the bag
but at least she has a dog and a cat to keep her company

so a couple hours pass
and finally the giant comes home
with one motherfucker of a sapling
and he takes the bag
with his wife in it
and starts BEATING IT with the sapling
all like HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MOLLY
HUH
HUH
and his wife is like NO NO I AM YOUR WIFE
but it doesn’t matter
because at the same time
the cat is like MROWWWRMOROWMRRMROMRMRORR
and the dog is like AROOF WOOF AROOF ROOF ROOF
so the giant can’t hear shit his wife says

but when molly runs out the door laughing her ass off
the giant finally catches on
and he drops the bag and the tree
and starts chasing her
and he runs and she runs and he runs and she runs
and she crosses the bridge like always
and the giant is like SERIOUSLY
COME ON
DON’T COME BACK HERE ANYMORE
MY DAUGHTERS ARE DEAD
AND MY WIFE IS BADLY BEATEN
YOU’VE TAKEN MY MONEY
AND MY SWORD
AND MY RING
WHAT ELSE
COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME
and molly is like
what?
nothing
haven’t you been paying attention?
i’m never crossing this bridge again
enjoy the rest of your life

so then molly goes back to the king
and turns down the haggis AGAIN
and then marries the king’s youngest son
and then becomes king
because she’s the most competent motherfucker
in all the land

so the moral of the story
is it’s okay to destroy someone’s entire life
and livelihood
and family
as long as they started it

The end.

Too much effort for peanuts

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2

So brer fox again

he gets this idea into his head
that he is going to plant a field of GOOBER PEAS
which are just basically peanuts
but with a funnier name
anyway he hoes and hoes
haha hoes
and he rakes and rakes
and he waters and waters
and does all the stuff you need to do
to grow a fine crop of goober peas

but he doesn’t count on the fact
that brer rabbit is such a little asshole
that he has been watching the goober field all this time
waiting for the peas to grow
and when they finally do grow
brer rabbit invites his WHOLE FAMILY
to an all-you-can-steal buffet at fox’s house
they steal so much
that when brer fox comes out the next day
he can hardly find any peas at all

so of course he knows it must be brer rabbit
because who else is enough of a dick to do something like this
but brer rabbit has covered up his footprints so well
fox can’t figure out where he is
so he makes a trap instead
because he knows
as long as there is something left to take from him
brer rabbit is going to keep coming back

what he does is he takes some rope
and he ties it to a tree
and he bends the tree double
and then fixes a loop at the end of the rope
right around a rabbit-sized hole in the fence
so when brer rabbit inevitably runs through
the rope will trigger
and tighten
and hoist him up in the air

and lo and behold
the very next day
while fox is out
here comes brer rabbit about to be a massive prick
and he hops in through that hole
and the rope tightens
and he is all dangling up in the air
just like in swiss family robinson or whatever
and he is like hm
guess i’m about to get fucked huh

but all is not lost
because who does brer rabbit see coming down the road
but brer bear
looking for a tree full of bees so he can get some honey
now brer rabbit does some quick thinking
and decides that any animal
that is actually SEEKING OUT BEES
is probably a stupid animal
so he waves his paws around like HEY
HEY
BRER BEAR
and Brer Bear is like sup

so brer rabbit is like eh not much
just chillin
and brer bear is like i can’t help but notice
you are hanging upside down from a tree
and brer rabbit is like so i am

so
i
am

and brer bear is like why
why are you doing that
and brer rabbit is like oh it’s awesome
brer fox is paying me a dollar a minute
just to hang from his tree and scare birds away
and brer bear is like
ONE DOLLAR A MINUTE
THAT’S
THAT’S
SIX BILLION DOLLARS AN HOUR!
SIGN ME UP
and brer rabbit is like sure ok
just get yourself snared in this rope
instead of me
i don’t need money i just steal whatever i want

so brer rabbit scampers off
while brer bear hangs from the tree
going RRRRR whenever he sees a bird
and brer fox comes back

now in these stories
as you have probably gathered
everyone other than brer rabbit is fucking retarded
and brer rabbit isn’t even that smart either
it’s like how in the land of the blind
the one-eyed man is a dick
but anyway brer fox is immediately like YOU
BRER BEAR
YOU ARE CAUGHT IN MY TRAP
SO CLEARLY YOU WERE STEALING MY GOOOOBERRR PEEEASSSSS
and brer bear is like no what
i don’t even like those
where’s my six billion dollars

even as stupid as these two animals are
they figure out pretty quick who is to blame
for this misunderstanding
and brer rabbit for his part
knows that they probably will
so he goes and buries himself in some mud
so only his eyes poke out
and he looks exactly like a toad
so when brer bear comes grumbling by
like GRUMBLE GRUMBLE WHERE BRER RABBIT AT
brer rabbit is like
RIBBIT RIBBIT I SAW HIM GO THAT WAY
and off goes brer bear
on another idiot adventure

all of this effort
just for some fucking peanuts
with a goddamn stupid name
making this the most convincing argument yet
for supermarkets

the end.

This myth is also a disney ride

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7

Alright so listen up

first order of business
is i’m going to a farm for half a week
but this time i’m prepared
and instead of guest myths
(even though I love guest myths)
You’re gonna get myths about Bre’r rabbit
how do you feel about that

well it doesn’t matter
because by the time you tell me how you feel
i will be on a farm
and none the wiser

SO BRE’R RABBIT IT IS

now Bre’r rabbit
brer rabbit for short
is the quintessential motherfucker
he likes to sashay around
making fools out of people
and cackling about it

and bre’r fox
(brer fox for short)
is essentially the Wile E Coyote
to brer rabbit’s roadrunner

for example

this one day brer fox wakes up like
DAMN I REALLY WANT TO KILL ME SOME BRER RABBIT
OH MAN I HAVE THE ULTIMATE PLAN
I’M GONNA STEAL AN IDEA FROM ANANSI
AND MAKE A LITTLE MIDGET OUT OF TAR
only he doesn’t call it a midget
or even a dwarf
he calls it a baby
because dwarves are fucking CREEPY ok

so brer fox gets some tar
and some turpentine
and mixes it up real good
and then makes a baby out of it
and puts a big wide-brimmed hat on the baby
you know
like babies tend to wear
and he places it right in the center of the road
the myth says that this was like
the cutest baby ever
but i don’t know how cute a baby can be
when it is made out of TAR AND TURPENTINE

ANYWAY
brer fox goes over and hides in the bushes
so excited about how he is going to fuck over brer rabbit
and brer rabbit comes whistling along
and he sees this baby
and he is like whoa
what is this fine baby doing in the middle of this road
hey baby how you doin
and the baby is like

so then Brer Rabbit gets kind of mad
because he likes it when people talk to him
so he can make utter fools out of them
and he is like NOW BABY
IF YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME
I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
not even stop to consider that maybe
JUST MAYBE
the tarbaby is too young to talk
or you know
that it is a baby MADE OF TAR

no he just shouts at that baby
until finally he gets so mad
he really does smack it upside the head
and what do you think happens
HIS PAW GETS STUCK
so what do you think he does
he says BABY
MAKE YOUR FACE LET GO OF MY PAW
OR I WILL SMACK YOUR FACE WITH MY OTHER PAW
and the baby does no such thing

so true to his word
brer rabbit does the smart thing
and hits the baby again
and his OTHER paw gets stuck
and he is like RRR I’M SO MAD
MAYBE KICKING YOU WILL HELP
but it predictably does not
in fact
it just makes things much much worse
so then I guess
Brer rabbit is just like
well I’ve already fucked up almost as hard as possible
I guess I might as well hit this thing with my face too
so he does
and it is in this undignified state
that brer fox finds him
covered in tar with his fists inside a baby

so brer fox is of course extremely pleased by this
and is like HAHA BRER RABBIT
I HAVE WANTED TO KILL YOU FOR SOOOOO LONG
I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EAT YOU
JUST KILL YOU
hm how should i kill you brer rabbit
should I roast you
nah too much effort
maybe i should hang you
what do you think about that

and brer rabbit thinks fast
and he says
PLEASE BRER FOX
HANG ME
ROAST ME
I DON’T CARE
JUST WHATEVER YOU DO
PLEEEEEEEASE DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH
THE ONE RIGHT OVER THERE

now if I was gonna kill a rabbit
and a rabbit said that shit to me
first of all i’d be like holy fuck a talking rabbit
and maybe question my sanity a little
but after we’d sorted everything out
i’d probably just say ok
and throw him in a fire
but brer fox has the rare talent
of being exactly as lazy as he is stupid
so he thinks out loud
like maaaaaaaaaan
i don’t have any rope to hang you with
maybe i have some at home
but really
it would be easier to drown you in the river

and brer rabbit is like
DROWN ME
HANG ME
SET ME ON FIRE
BEAT ME WITH HAMMERS
STAB ME WITH SWORDFISH
I DO NOT FUCKING CARE
JUST PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH RIGHT BY WHERE YOU ARE STANDING

and brer fox thinks for a second and he is like hm
well that briar patch does appeal to both my sadistic nature
AND my laziness
it’ll tear you to pieces
I’MA THROW YOU IN THE BRIAR PATCH

and brer rabbit is like NO NO NO NO
ANYTIHNG BUT THAT
and brer fox is like FAT CHUCKLES GRANDMA
IN YOU GO
and chucks him in
and he is lying in the middle of the road
chuckling to himself
when suddenly
he realizes he is not the only one chuckling

so he looks up
and at the top of a nearby hill
there’s brer rabbit
laughing and combing tar out of his hair
and he is like you fucking idiot
I was born and bred in a briar patch
BORN AND FUCKING BRED
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

thus ends the first recorded instance
of reverse psychology
just going to show
that you can be as stupid as you want
just as long as your enemies are a lot stupider

THE END

Pecos Bill more like Pecos AWESOME

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4

hey guys

i hope you are enjoying these american myths
i’m enjoying the shit out of them
if you want me to switch to some other country
or you just like some particular american myth
let me know in the comments
otherwise
i have enough material to last me a WHILE

also some chick named Beka started reading my myths out loud
she does a pretty good job
i’ve been posting links to her readings
at the tops of the myths she’s done
so keep an eye out
I MIGHT DO SOME TOO
THEN YOU MIGHT SEE MY FACE
BUT PROBABLY NOT
PROBABLY I WILL WEAR A GASMASK
OR A WELDING MASK

anyway enough administrative bullshit
time for you to hear about a man
whose ass
is SO BAD
other asses would cower at the mere mention of it

the owner of this ass
is PECOS BILL
now pecos bill was not always named that
for a while he was just named bill
this dude was not alive more than
say
ten seconds
before he started chewing knives and riding horses
and then crawling out of his mom’s wagon
when she wasn’t looking
and wrestling BEAR CUBS
and WINNING
NO JOKE GUYS

so the way pecos bill got the pecos part of his name
is one day his family was crossing the pecos river
and bill fell out of the wagon into the water
and his family was like SHIT DAMMIT
HE WAS GONNA BE SUCH A BADASS
oh well
and then his mom dies of being sad

BUT IT’S OK GUYS
BECAUSE PECOS BILL GETS FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER BY COYOTES
THAT IS A REASSURING THING TO HAVE HAPPEN
RIGHT?
well yeah actually as it turns out
the coyotes raise him as their own
for fifteen years
yeah that’s right
he’s one of THOSE kids

but then after fifteen years
Pecos bill is drinking out of the river
that bears his name
when his brother comes along
you know
punching cattle
i think punching cattle is an expression
meaning herding cattle
but i really prefer to imagine
that pecos bill’s brother
is just SOCKING COWS IN THE FOREHEAD
ALL ACROSS THE PRARIE
so that is the way i am telling this story

anyway he sees pecos bill squatting by the river
drinking out of it and shit
and he’s like HEY
AREN’T YOU MY LONG LOST BROTHER?
CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE MY DEAD MOM
and Pecos bill is like
YOUR MOM LOOKS LIKE YOUR DEAD MOM
ALSO NO
I AM A COYOTE
AWOO
and his brother is like bullshit
if you are a wolf
where the fuck is your tail huh
and pecos bill is like hm tough question
well i definitely have fleas
and i howl at the moon

and his brother is like son
EVERYONE in texas has fleas
and howls at the moon
you’re not special
also you clearly speak english
and walk on two legs
which is suspiciously uncoyotelike behavior
even in texas
now cut the bullshit
and put on this hat
and be a cowboy like me
and pecos bill is like ok
you talked me into it

so pecos bill becomes a cowboy
and he is the best ever
he invents branding cattle
also sitting on cattle until they behave
also the lasso
and his brother is like not bad
for some crazy asshole
who thought he was a coyote for 15 years
keep practicing kid
some day you’ll be a great cowboy
and he was right

which just goes to reinforce the point i’ve been making
which is that pecos bill is clearly not the hero of this story
just like paul bunyan was not the hero of his story
and john henry was not the hero of HIS story
because without his brother
Pecos bill would have farted around that river
with a pack of rabid coyotes
until some poacher found this naked dirt-streaked thing
fucking a she-coyote in the underbrush
and put an end to his special crazytime
see this is what america is all about
you can wrestle a thousand bears
and chew on a billion knives
but in the end
unless you have a competent sidekick to back you up
you are going to die of a gunshot wound while fucking a coyote

The END.

Paul Bunyan was a Log-Drivin’ Man

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3

Okay so Paul Bunyan

he’s this really huge guy
who is basically probably the main reason
that lumberjacks are considered badass
TO THIS VERY DAY
because this dude was big

HOW BIG WAS HE?

he was so big
it took three storks to deliver him to his parents
AS A BABY
he was so big
that when he was old enough to laugh and clap his hands
he DESTROYED HIS HOUSE
also at one point he sawed all the legs off his parents’ bed
for some reason
i guess because it was his DESTINY
he was so big
one time he made a fire
and he wanted to put it out
so he stacked rocks on top of it
and now it is called Mount Hood
he was so big
he dragged his axe behind him when he was walking
and made the grand canyon
this guy
was BIG
ok?

but none of that shit compares
to the time paul bunyan tamed the whistling river

ok so there’s this river right
it’s called the whistling river
because as a result of some fucked up natural phenomenon
this river likes to rear up
like a fucking majestic stallion or some shit
and let out a piercing whistle
every day
many times a day

this river is also a total asshole
it breaks up log rafts
it drowns loggers
it does everything a river is not supposed to do
and laughs about it
or i guess whistles about it

but then it fucks up
cause see one day paul bunyan is sitting by the river
prolly eating some flapjacks
when the river rears up
and chucks FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETEEN GALLONS
OF MUDDY WATER
INTO HIS BEARD

now i’m sure i don’t have to tell you
that a lumberjack’s beard
is NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH
but Paul Bunyan gives the river a pass
he just goes back to his pancakes
and figures the river will behave itself
but no
NOOOOOOOOOOO
that river rears up
and chucks FIVE THOUSAND AND NINETEEN MORE GALLONS
AND SOME TURTLES
AND SOME FISH
AND SOME MUSKRAT
DIRECTLY INTO PAUL BUNYAN’S ALREADY SOAKING WET BEARD
plus his flapjacks are pretty wet

this is the kind of shit any self-respecting lumberjack cannot ignore
so what does paul bunyan do?
does he get up and move someplace where the river can’t soak him
NO
he decides
IM GONNA TAME THAT FUCKING RIVER
but how?
hmmm

So paul bunyan decides to do some thinking
and the way lumberjacks think
is they sit down
and they eat popcorn
for DAYS
paul bunyan eats so much popcorn
that after a week
the air is full of little white popcorn fluff
and the ground is covered with eighteen inches of popcorn scraps
for THREE MILES AROUND
and animals that wander into the area
immediately think it is winter
and freeze to death before they have a chance
to actually think about what they are doing
and the loggers have pot pie materials for weeks
but they also have to clean up all the popcorn scraps
so it evens out i guess

anyway finally paul bunyan leaps up like AHA!
i bet if i took all the kinks out of the river
and made it perfectly straight
it would calm the fuck down

BUT HOW?!
well i’ll just tie it to my massive blue ox
named babe
and she’ll tow it straight
oh but wait
it’s made of water
what am I going to tie my ox to it with
OH I KNOW

so paul bunyan and his ox go to the north pole
and he makes a box trap baited with icicles
and then goes and plays fetch with babe for a while
using GLACIERS
but he has to stop
because he floods florida
so then he goes back to check on his trap
and finds that he has caught SIX BLIZZARDS
man
i wish i had a box big enough to catch six blizzards
i’d open up a blizzard stand
and no one would buy any
because blizzards aren’t really something
you can physically manipulate
they basically just kill you
and ruin your things

but paul bunyan doesn’t see it that way
he lets go all but 2 blizzards
and he takes those back to his logging camp
and has Ole
this big swede
make two huge logging chains
and attach them to the blizzards
and then he goes to the whistling river
and jams the blizzards into it
and freezes it FOR SEVENTEEN MILES
so it is really having a hard time whistling at this point
and then paul hooks the river up to babe
and is like PULL OX PULL

but that river is TOOOOOOO ornery
it won’t budge
even though babe pulls those chains into solid iron bars
and digs ruts into the solid rock she is standing on
with her feet
because she is trying to run SO FAST

so then paul bunyan is like alright
no more bullshit
and grabs the chains too
and he and babe both pull SO HARD
they drag the river free of its banks
and through the prarie
really unpleasantly fast

finally they stop running
and turn around
and see that the river is TOTALLY STRAIGHT GUYS
but it is also somehow much shorter
without all the bends
i guess because all the excess bends material
is scattered all over the prarie
as a result of the VIOLENT WAY
IN WHICH PAUL BUNYAN AND HIS ANIMAL PAL DEVASTATED THE RIVER
so paul bunyan takes all the extra bends
and packs them up
and uses them later
when he needs to float logs
in the middle of the desert
because you get to ignore physics
as long as you are really really big

anyway then the river gets all huffy
because everything that made it the whistling river
and allowed it to be a total asshole
is officially GONE
so it refuses to whistle
and actually
this makes everyone really pissed off at paul bunyan
because they are like DAMMIT
WHAT IS GOING TO WAKE US UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN NOW
WE ARE LUMBERJACKS
WE NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY AND ALARM CLOCKS DONT EXIST YET

but it turns out to be ok
because along comes this dude named squeaky swanson
with a speaking voice
that is never above a whisper
but a shriek
that can physically LIFT THE BLANKETS OFF EVERYONE IN CAMP
so every day squeaky swanson wakes up at the crack of dawn
and SHRIEKS EVERYONE AWAKE
solving every problem forever

so once again
the real hero of the story is not paul bunyan
who actually ruined the whistling river
and fucked over his campmates
and littered a lot of popcorn scraps all over
and flooded florida
and sawed the legs off his parents’ bed
but rather an unassuming man
with some kind of weird voice problem

so god bless america
home of the little guy
who can yell really loud

The End.