Guys
GUYS
(also ladies)
There is NO EXCUSE
for me not having told you about this guy already
I mean this is a website about mythology, ostensibly
but it is mainly a website about BONERS AND SWEARS AND HOUSES MADE OUT OF VAGINAS
so how, I ask you
have I managed to let three years pass by
without discussing the very dude
who stubborn, giant boners are NAMED AFTER
yes friends, I am talking about Priapus
the namesake of Priapism
which is a medical condition that either means you have a spinal injury
or that you took too much viagra
or that you really REALLY need to get laid.

This guy is a god

So Priapus’s parentage is sort of uncertain
(probably because no one was super keen on claiming responsibility
for three very solid feet of titanic toddler todger)
but the story I like best
is that Priapus is concieved when Aphrodite and Dionysis get bizzay
(because if she’s gonna cheat on her husband
it stands to reason she’s gonna cheat on the guy she’s cheating on her husband with too)
and meanwhile Aphrodite wins the beauty contest that starts off the Trojan war
which is super impressive cause she’s got a baby totally effing up her figure
but it’s also super unfortunate
because Hera decides that in addition to starting the TROJAN FUCKING WAR
she’s also going to curse Aphrodite’s baby with a monumental meat missile
plus a permanent erection
PLUS IMPOTENCE
CUE SAD TROMBONE

so Aphrodite somehow manages to eject baron von longschlong from her baby haven
and Zeus is like AW HELL NO
I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MOTHERFUCKER UP HERE TO BE SLINGIN’ MORE SCHLONG THAN ME
I HAVE A SCHLONG MONOPOLY UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN
OH HEY THERE SUGARTITS
HOW ABOUT A GAME OF SCHLONG MONOPOLY
(he’s not talking to anyone in particular when he says that last part
he’s just sort of generally propositioning the whole entire world)

so Priapus has to go down to earth and be sad by himself with his huge dick
and some shepherds find him
and they’re like man
what the hell is this
i heard the shepherds in the bible get to see angels and the baby jesus and shit
and what do we get?
a big pile of sad wang
oh well
guess we better make it our god

so they start worshipping Priapus
and Priapus starts meeting other rustic gods
(rustic gods being a fancy term
for gods who live in the forest and get trashed all the time with shepherds)
like Pan and Silenus and whoever
and they’re having a party one night
and all the wood nymphs are invited
and one of them is this mind-shatteringly hot chick named Lotis
so Priapus sees Lotis
and he would have developed an immediate and incurable hard-on for her
if not for the perpetual and incurable hard-on he has for EVERYTHING EVER
but either way he likes her style
and he is interested in getting up on that

but here’s the problem
despite the dimensions of his genitals
and the fact that said genitals are CONSTANTLY EXPOSED AND READY TO GO
Priapus has like zero game
well okay
he has ONE game
but it’s not a good one
it goes like this:

step one
wait for Lotis to get drunk and pass out
step two
insert penis
step three
partially remove penis
step four
repeat steps two through four

so Lotis passes out
and priapus is getting ready to enact his frat-boy inspired plan
when all of a sudden Silenus’s ass just starts screaming its head off
(I guess “ass” in this case means donkey
but i think it’s just as likely/hilarious
to assume that Silenus started ripping totally inhumane farts in his sleep)
but either way, Lotis wakes up
weighed down by a family-size summer sausage of lust
and she’s like ew what the shit
and runs away
and priapus immediately loses his boner
even though he’s cursed to never have that happen
because shit is just too much.

So the moral of the story
is that it’s not the size that matters
it’s whether you try and have sex with people in their fucking sleep

the end.