So this guy gets kicked out of the army
he gets kicked out of the army because he has no talents
and they are not about to give him any talents
those shits are expensive
so instead they give him three pennies
and he’s like WHOAH
THREE PENNIES?!
THIS DOES NOT SQUARE AT ALL WITH MY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
FUCK THIS, I’M TAKING OVER THE GOVERNMENT

so he goes walking around try’na get an army together
for this incredibly self-serving mission of his
and pretty soon he sees a dude in the forest
who is just straight PLUCKING TREES FROM THE EARTH
and our hero goes up to this German Hercules like hey man
come join my army
we’re gonna steal the government, it’s gonna be great
and Hercules is like ok dude sure
lemme just bring these trees to my mom first
WHAT THE FUCK
WHY DOES YOUR MOM NEED SIX ENTIRE TREES DUDE
IS YOUR MOM JUST LIKE
A WOODCHIPPER?
WOULD MAKE SENSE
CONSIDERING YOUR TOTALLY INHUMAN TALENTS
anyway he does that and they leave

pretty soon they see a dude squatting in the forest pointing a gun at nothing
normally these dudes are what are known as schizophrenics
but today is crazy bullshit day in germany
so instead this guy is a hunter SO SKILLED
that he is taking aim at a fly on a branch two miles away
to shoot out it’s fucking EYE
so our hero goes up to German Apollo like hey dude wanna help steal the government?
and Apollo is like SURE

then they meet a guy who can power windmills with his nose
and a guy whose legs have to be removed because otherwise he runs too fast
and a guy who has to keep his cap cocked at a jaunty angle or else the world turns to ice
and none of these guys really have anything going on i guess
so they decide to help this talentless asshole steal the government

so okay, you know how I keep saying this story is in germany
well i think maybe I was too quick to assume
cause when these dudes finally get to the king’s castle
he is holding a contest
where whoever beats his daughter in a footrace gets to marry her
and if they lose they get executed
SOUND FAMILIAR?
yeah
i think at some point the protagonist of this story
must have stumbled upon a time portal into ancient greece
maybe right around the time he met FUCKING HERCULES

so anyway these guys have an unfair advantage in this race scenario
seeing as they have what amounts to sonic the hedgehog meets bionic man on their team
so the leader of the group goes to the king like hey
i want to marry your daughter
but i’m gonna have my servant run the race with you instead
WHOAH WHOAH SLOW DOWN
are you telling me this army reject
has put himself in CHARGE of this group?
like he gets all the bitches and riches
while they do all the work?
man i don’t understand how this guy got kicked out of the military
seems like good officer material to me

anyway the king agrees
and the race begins
but it turns out that in addition to being inhumanly fast
this runner guy is also inhumanly lazy
so he gets halfway through the race
and then just lies down on a cow skull and goes to sleep
and the chick passes him
but then the hunter is on the roof of the castle, and he sees that shit
so he just takes out his gun and shoots the cow skull out from under the runner’s head
and the runner wakes up and stomps large quantities of ass
or I guess just one ass
the ass of the princess
there is no evidence one way or the other about the size of the princess’s ass
although i would appreciate more of that sort of evidence in my mythology

so the race is one and the deal is done
but the king is not happy about his daughter marrying some army reject
(neither is the princess for that matter
but who cares about her, right?)
so what he does is he invites all six of these crazy dudes to a feast
inside a locked iron room
with a fire underneath it
WHAT
WHY DOES HE HAVE ONE OF THESE
WHO THINKS ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN THEY’RE BUILDING A CASTLE?
anyway the room starts getting pretty hot
but that’s when Mr. Freeze decides to spin his cap around
and everything gets nice and icy
and they all bust out of the room like THANKS FOR THE FREE FOOD DUDE

so the king is rapidly running out of schemes
and his final scheme
is just to try and buy these guys off
so he agrees to pay them as much gold as one of them can carry
in exchange for leaving him and his daughter alone
I think you know where this is going
the leader of the pack hires every tailor in the kingdom
to make him an ENORMOUS SACK
and then he gives the sack to hercules
who proceeds to walk off with the entire gold content of the kingdom
the king is none too pleased with this so he sends his army after them
at which point windmill guy blows (on) everybody in the army until they give up and go home
and everyone in the kingdom dies of starvation
and these six bastards party until they die too

so the moral of the story
is that you should never let your lack of talent
get in the way of your shameless acquisition of other people’s stuff

the end.