So first off, quick announcement:
A collection of rad and well-monied individuals
have purchased enough of my book
to convince me to do a SHIRTLESS MYTH VIDEO for yall
so that will begin on Wednesday
and it will be the Oresteia
If you want to queue up another video myth after this one
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
(or if you don’t, click that link)

Anyway I’ve got a special treat for you today
it is called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas
and uh
it didn’t quite make it into the bible
now that I’ve read it, it’s easy to see why
it is because in this book
jesus comes off looking like King Asshole of the Fightin’ Assholes
lemme break it down for you:

So to start with, Jesus if 5 years old
5-year-old boys are automatically terrible people to begin with
they like to play this game called Punch Everyone
where no one wins and the rules are “Punch Everyone”
so now imagine you take a 5-year-old boy
and give him SUPERPOWERS
I have two words for you, my friends:
FUCK.

So one day Jesus is playing by the river with some pals
and he decides to SUBORN THE ENTIRE RIVER TO HIS WILL
he shapes it into like a weird sphere of pure water
which he uses to turn dirt into clay
and then he turns the clay into birds.
Oh, wow
this is actually pretty whimsical and cool
and not as bad as I made it sound at all

except that today is the sabbath
and you’re definitely not allowed to shape rivers with your mind on the Sabbath
God has already laid down all manner of crazy rules about that shit
so some of the kids go tell Joseph
(who is Jesus’s dad)
about what Jesus is doing
and Joseph runs down to the river like BOY
STOP USING MAGIC ON THE SABBATH DAY
GOD IS GONNA BE SUPER PISSED
and Jesus is like “fuck you you’re not my real dad”
and then the clay birds turn into real birds and fly away
and Joseph is like
…

This raises an interesting point
which is what a long-suffering sonofabitch Joseph is
he knows for a FACT that this kid is not his son
so either his wife cheated on him with superman
or his wife cheated on him with God
and either way he’s not no responsibility here
but he still sticks around
and assumes primary responsibility
for a five-year-old sociopath with superpowers
because, see, here’s what happens next:
some kid takes a stick and fucks up jesus’s water sphere
and jesus is like GET FUCKED
and the kid withers up and dies on the spot
and then pretty soon after that
Jesus is walking through town
and some kid bumps into his shoulder
and BAM
ANOTHER DEAD KID
GOD
HEY GOD, BUDDY
YOU DON’T GIVE POWER-WORD-KILL TO SOMEONE WITH NO CONCEPT OF RIGHT AND WRONG
I THOUGHT WE ALL KNEW THIS

so the kids’ parents are understandably pissed
and they go to Joseph like dude
you need to get your son to stop killing all our sons
and Joseph is like I KNOW

so Joseph goes to Jesus like Hey little buddy
you need to stop murdering children for no good reason
and Jesus is like okay
the children are all back alive now
but the people who told you to talk to me about killing children?
THEY’RE ALL BLIND NOW
SHABOOM

So then Joseph figures
that if his kid is old enough to strike people blind
he’s probably old enough to learn to read and write
so he sends him to school
but Jesus is just the biggest know-it-all in the class
and talks circles around the teacher
so much so that the teacher doesn’t even get past the letter “A”
before being like AUGH FUCK THIS
YOU KNOW WHAT DUDE?
YOU’RE JUST WAYYYY SMARTER THAN ME, OK?
I CAN’T FUCKING TEACH YOU SHIT
YOU WIN.

And Jesus thinks this is a pretty response i guess
because he un-blinds everybody he blinded

I’m gonna kind of skim over what happens next
because it all kind of amounts to the same thing
lotta people getting injured, and Jesus healing them without any problems
I guess because he’s starting to grow a conscience about all the kids he murdered.
I think my favorite one is the time where he’s playing on the roof
with a bunch of other kids
and one falls off and dies
because a roof is a dumb thing to play on
and the parents show up and are like JESUS
YOU MURDERED OUR KID, DIDN’T YOU
and Jesus is like nuh uh
and the parents are like JESUS
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?
YOU ARE LIKE THAT
BUT WITH MURDER INSTEAD OF CRYING
AND CHILDREN INSTEAD OF WOLVES
And jesus is like okay I know how to settle this
hey dead dude:
did I murder you?
and the dead kid is like NOPE. I DIED OF BEING A DUMB-ASS KID.
I think the best part of this story
is it’s not explicitly stated that jesus brings the kid back to life
so I like to think he just talked to him and let him stay dead
like a jerk

So anyway
after a lot of healing wounds and suchlike
Jesus finally goes back to school
but he doesn’t go to learn
he goes to TEACH.
Before anyone can start talking about grammar or the alphabet or whatever
this six-year-old kid walks up to the front
and there’s a book there
but he’s just like fuck that
and starts saying whatever’s on his mind
and everybody’s like OH MY GOD SO WISE
so that’s when everybody gives up on trying to teach him

There’s other stuff that happens too
but by this point Jesus has stopped murdering kids
and he’s generally just sort of being a disaffected tween
who doesn’t tell his parents where he’s going
or when he’s gonna be home
and then they find him in a church or something
teaching priests and doctors about religion
and Mary’s like Jesus!
we were worried sick about you!
and Jesus is like whatever mom
I am actually objectively holier-than-thou
you don’t own me
and everyone is like YEP
IT’S TRUE
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT
BECAUSE IF WE TRY THEN HE WILL STRIKE US BLIND

So that’s the infancy gospel of thomas
it’s sort of a clusterfuck
but the moral is clear:
if you’re good enough at murdering people
you don’t ever need to learn how to read

THE END.