So I lied

today is going to be another story you’ve probably never heard
BECAUSE IT IS RAD AND FUCK YOU

so there’s this king
his treasury is getting a little low
but kings don’t know how to hold down steady jobs
so the only way he can think of to make more money
is to marry a rich chick
so he goes out and he finds a chick who is SO RICH
that her riches have actually SUCKED ALL THE PRETTY OUT OF HER BODY
and then tripled the size of her bitch gland
and then she got old

so no one can figure out why the king is doing this
even though she’s OBVIOUSLY loaded
but he does it
because he is NOT going to get a job or raise taxes.
this is known as “taking one for the team”
when you think about it
a king is kind of like a wingman but for an entire country
don’t think about it too hard, though

anyway, this ugly chick has an ugly daughter
and both of them suck
and they convince the king to start hating his REAL daughter
who is so attractive
that you canNOT bounce a quarter off her ass
because it would get STUCK
and this mega hot princess is super fed up with suddenly having people not like her
she is used to being able to just float across rooms
on the air cushion displaced by a thousand boners popping at once
this whole “people not liking her” thing is totally not cool
so she’s like fuck this
I’m leaving
hey dad
I’m running away from home
can I have some traveling supplies?
and her dad is like SURE, HONEY
TAKE THIS STALE BREAD AND THIS CHEESE AND THIS BOTTLE OF BEER
I AM YOUR FATHER
AND YOU ARE A GREAT DAUGHTER
BUT I HAVE TO HATE YOU NOW BECAUSE STEPMOTHERS
THAT IS HOW THESE STORIES WORK

so she takes this sack of what is essentially garbage
and she starts walking
looking for hot dudes to bone
and pretty soon she runs up on the least hot dude of all
some old guy sitting in front of his gross smelly cave
and he’s like hey gurl
what you gonna do with all that junk
all that junk inside your sack
and she’s like I’ma get get get get you drunk
provided you can get drunk off one beer and some cheese
and the old man is like WELL I’M WILLING TO TRY

so he drinks all her beer
and eats most of her food
and she doesn’t say anything because this is kind of awkward
and then he’s like wow
thanks for all that food
here, have this wand
yeah I’m a cave-hobo with a wand
WHAT OF IT?!
Look, this wand is great
you can use it to totally dispell this huge thorn bush up ahead
and then after that you will arrive at a well
and you should go sit on it
and then do WHATEVER ANYONE TELLS YOU TO DO
NO MATTER HOW WEIRD IT SOUNDS

guys
this just sounds like a really convoluted way
of setting this volcanically hot princess up for a routine cave-hobo gangbang
but people in fairytales are routinely rewarded for making terrible decisions
so i guess I understand why the princess goes along with this.
she just rolls up to those hedges
busts them open with her wand
goes up to the well and is like alright, what now

HERE IS WHAT NOW:
A DISEMBODIED HEAD
yep. a disembodied head made out of gold comes floating out of the well
singing
like
pick me up, princess, and comb my hair
then set me out to dry on that grass over there
I’ll be so pretty, with my body eschewed
Man, I’ma scare the shit out of so many dudes
seriously
it’s gonna be great
and the princess is like SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
so she styles the fuck out of this disembodied headhair
and then lays it out all nice to dry
and a SECOND head busts out of the well
and does the EXACT SAME THING
and then a THIRD HEAD comes out and does THE EXACT SAME THING
the shock value is kinda gone at this point
you would think they would try and coordinate their demands a little
but nope
all they want
is for their creepy well-drenched hair to be IMPECCABLE

so after the princess has styled them all the way up
they are like THANKS, LADY
OKAY GUYS
HOW SHOULD WE REWARD HER FOR THIS?
OH OH
HOW ABOUT WE WEIRD THE SHIT OUT OF HER
yep, that’s what they do
they start weirding her
but if you think about it
what else are a trio of gold-plated fashion-forward heads that live in a well gonna do to you?
so the first one weirds her so that her hotness is now representable only in irrational numbers
like 6.ennui and craaaaaazy seven
the second one weirds her voice so that it is like she is shooting naked ladies out of her mouth
but with less concussions and 6.ennui percent more arousal
and the third one weirds her future so that it includes a marriage to the BADDEST KING IN THE LAND
(bad like as in good, though)

so the princess is like thanks guys
and she keeps walking
and immediately she runs up on some random king in the woods
what have I told you about woods
they are lousy with kings
and at this point this princess is SO ATTRACTIVE
that the horse’s horseshoes shoot off of its feet and directly onto her tits
and then her magma hotness melts them into fluid
and they drizzle down her body terminator style
into a mold of the most IRON-HARD ERECTION EVER
which is located in the king’s pants
and he’s like hey
let’s get married
and she’s like okay!
and then they get married IMMEDIATELY
this king was out hunting by the way
apparently for BOOTAY

so then the princess goes to visit her dad
basically to be like haha dad despite your best efforts I got totally married
and her dad is like AWESOME, I LIKE YOU BETTER NOW
and the ugly stepmother’s ugly daughter is like PSH WHATEVER
I BET I COULD GET MARRIED TO TWICE AS MANY HOT DUDES AS MY MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE STEPSISTER
so she gets herself hooked up with some swanky dresses
and some dope food
and a whooooole bottle of wine
and she sets off along the same road that lead her sister to marriageville
and she runs up on the same cave-hobo
who is like hey uh…
ma’am?
got any food for a cave hobo?
and she’s like I’VE GOT FOOD, BUT IT IS NOT FOR YOU
and he’s like well fuck you then
and she goes on her way
and she comes up on these thick thornbushes
and she’s like OOH I THINK I SEE AN OPENING
but it is not an opening
what she thought was an opening was apparently just MORE THORNS
she gets so ruined by these thorns that by the time she gets out she is bleeding EVERYWHERE
probably she’s no less attractive though
this is one of the pros of being ugly

so now she’s at the well
and the heads start showing up
like HEY COMB OUR HAIR
and she’s like HOW ABOUT I COMB YOUR HEADS
WITH THIS BOTTLE OF WINE
AND BY COMB I MEAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF
so she starts concussing them and getting hammered at the same time
and then when she’s done
the three heads are like oh boy
let’s weird this chick something FIERCE
so the first one weirds her to have a big splotchy face
and the second one weirds her to have a voice like a Rafi album going down a trash compactor
and the third one weirds her so that she will be happy to be married to a cobbler
dude, I would be happy to get married to a cobbler
no one would have to weird me or anything
free shoes.

But anyway, the sister is like BLAH BLAH WHATEVER GUYS
and she heads out and she goes into a village
and all the children start running away from her
because she has passed the tipping point of ugliness
where it goes from something that people politely avoid staring at
to something people avoid staring at BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE
people are throwing up barricades left and right and also their stomach contents
it is a disaster
and she can’t even calm them down by talking to them
because her voice is like if butts were a sound
and not cute butts
gross butts
gross oily butts

but luckily this town has a cobbler
and this cobbler recently got ripped off by a hermit
who couldn’t pay for his shoes with money,
and so instead paid for them with homeopathic remedies for ugliness
so basically just like
a family-size bucket of concealer
like for her whole face
and also one of those voice modulator things that they give to smokers
that make you sound like a badass robot
and he sees this ugly ugly ugly chick in these nice clothes
and he’s like hey gurl
I will fix all your ugly if you marry me
and she’s like OKAY WHATEVER
SOLD
and they get married
and they go back to the king
and his ugly wife is so embarassed that she kills herself
and the king is like NICE
NOW I GET ALL HER MONEY AND I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER
GREAT JOB, COBBLER
HERE’S A HUNDRED BUCKS
GO ENJOY YOUR GROSS WIFE
and he does
and the two of them get along very well
and everyone else is either happy or dead

So the moral of the story
is that the only thing worse than being ugly
is being poor.

THE END.