There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday
and i was drunk when i was reading her comment
and i thought her birthday was today
so i did a bunch of research
and then i realized she was born on the 6th
who the fuck is born on the 6th
that’s some bullshit
anyway now i have all this research
and nothing to do with it
so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right
actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself
when he was born he was called Setanta
he was popped out by some queen
who drank a fly that fell in her booze
only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed
if you know what i mean
(i dont fucking know what i mean)
and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME
YOU ARE NOW SWANS
and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta
ok
backstory complete

OH WAIT
NOT YET
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN
EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY
so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old
he is a ridiculous sex machine
and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
and the guys go ahead to some castle
and start partying
and they forget about him
and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle
but then setanta shows up
and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY
and setanta stabs it to death in the face
and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead
but setanta says he’ll make him a new one
and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW
IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick
and he is like hey honey what’s up
i wanna rest my sword between your tits
if you know what i mean
and emer is like i know what you mean
and i can also see
that you are 8 fucking years old
what are you trying to get me thrown in jail
and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs
and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs
but you don’t even have a beard dude
how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard
oh i know
how about if you become a supergreat warrior
and murder several hundred guys
i will totally bone you
and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal
and as a cherry on top
how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back
and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise
because he is physically incapable
of keeping it in his pants
it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster
or moray eel
telescoping out of its holster
and harpooning ladies left and right
for example this warrior queen Aoife
who he defeats
and then harpoons with his sea monster
and then takes her magic barbed harpoon
which is made
from the bones
OF A SEAMONSTER
see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere
montage montage montage OKAY
NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES
but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU
so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS
MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY
and then is like hey baby whats up
and he steals Emer
and then roams around the country side
killing the requisite number of dudes
to get emer to sleep with him
and then she does
and it’s awesome
and after that
they settle down
to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson
which is that statutory rape is okay
as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.

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Life sucks with half a penis

OK LETS DO THIS

so there is this dude
he is the son of hermes
and Aphrodite
yeah
that chick gets AROUND
additionally
that chick is really bad at coming up with names
and so is hermes
so what they do
is they take their names
and chop them up
and make a retard soup out of them
and call their son hermaphroditus
i think you can already tell where this story is going

so one day this kid hermaphroditus is walking through the woods
he has been doing this for a fat while
because when you are the son of two gods
you are pretty set for life
and can just do what you damn well please
like march around rome with your dick in your hands
humming the national anthem
i met a homeless guy like that in rome actually
although i am not sure he was the son of any gods
definitely a hermaphrodite though
also he kind of smelled like poop

ANYWAY Hermaphroditus is tooling about in the forest
when he comes to a pool
like
a super sweet pool
lots of really awesome water in this pool ok
and also in this pool
is a super hot nymph
who is too fucking lazy to go hunting with Diana
(yeah i know i’m mixing greek and roman names
but that’s the way ovid does it
so if you wanna go ahead and fly to italy
and dig up the bones of the greatest poet of all time
and fuck him right in the skull
again and again until your gentials are coated in splinters and bonepowder
be my guest
otherwise shut your hole)
she just sits by the pool all day
bathing
and getting out
and bathing
and trying on clothes
and combing her hair
and looking at herself in the water
and bathing
which all serves to make her
totally boneable
but kind of a diva

so this nymph looks up and sees hermaphroditus dicking around
and she is like HOLY SHIT
I WANT TO CUT ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT
REHEAT IT IN A CONVECTION OVEN
SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON IT
AND THEN RUB IT ON MY NAUGHTY PLACES
HEY BOY WHAT DO YOU SAY

and hermaphroditus is like uhhhh
and this nymph is like BOY THE DAME WHO NURSED YOU WAS PRETTY LUCKY
I’D SURE LIKE TO HAVE YOU SUCK ON MY TITS
seriously
you know normally i kind of adlib the pickup lines in these myths
but that is straight up what this broad says
basically
then she is like MARRY ME IMMEDIATELY FOR GUILT-FREE BANGING
and hermaphroditus is like GO AWAY
I AM CONFUSED BY ALL THESE FEELINGS
and the nymph is like ok fine
i’ll leave you alone
and immediately goes and hides in some nearby bushes

so hermaphroditus
being of course a whole goddamn retard convention
instantly rips off his clothes and goes swimming in the lake
like OH I BET THAT HORNY NYMPH ISN’T WATCHING ME OR ANYTHING
and not only does he go swim in the lake
he also slaps himself a bunch
and starts flailing around in the water
like some kind of special mating dance for idiots

of course at the sight of the boy’s pendulous junk
the nymph is like OH SNAP
IT IS PARTY TIME
AND THE PARTY IS IN HERMAPHRODITUS’S PANTS
OR ACTUALLY
SINCE HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS
JUST HIS CROTCH I GUESS
HEY HERMAPHRODITUS PARTY IN YOUR CROTCH

and she jumps out of the foliage
and rapes him in the water
again and again
except he has the presence of mind to keep his dick out of her
which is really disappointing for her
but she just keeps right on dryhumping him
or i guess wethumping him
fwap fwap fwap
but finally she gets fed up with this shit
and is like HEYYY GODDSSSSSS
IF I CANT BONE THIS GUY
AT LEAST MELD OUR BODIES INTO A HORRIBLE MULELIKE HALFBREED
and the gods are like BAM
MOST INTERESTING PRAYER WE GOT ALL DAY
GRANTED

so then hermaphroditus suddenly realizes
that his life has an acute case
of good news/bad news
good news:
the nymph who is raping you is nowhere to be found
bad news:
you now have exactly half a penis
and half a vag
how did this happen
so he gets super pissed
and is like HEY GODS
SINCE I’M HALF A MAN NOW
HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO STEPS IN THIS POOL BECOMES HALF A MAN TOO
and the gods are like WELL TODAY IS THE DAY FOR GRANTING ASININE PRAYERS
YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so now if you step in that pool
which is called salmacis fyi
you get super weak
although your penis does not actually come off

so the moral of the story is
having gods for parents can be sweet
but it’s not going to stop a hot nymph
who wants to evaporate half your dangly bits
and replace them with hers
so if you have god parents
consider becoming an emancipated minor

the end.

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Your FACE posted late.

Alright so yeah I’m like ten hours late on this
but sometimes there is not even any cell phone receptions
when you are sleeping next to a rock
shaped like a ghost
in the middle of godforsaken Utah
i bet half of you are still up from thursday anyway

so

You know Venus right

Remember how she and mars used to bang
Until Vulcan found out
And dropped a fucking net on her
?
Well guess how Vulcan found out about that shit?
THE FUCKING SUN GOD
Phoebus or whatever
Yeah
The sun was rollin through the sky
SPYING ON MARS AND VENUS HAVING SEX
Think of that the next time you take a piss outside
Sun’s checkin’ out your dick my friend
Checkin out your dick

So obviously venus thinks this is pretty creepy
And she is like you know what I’m going to fuck over pheobus now
Cause he fucked me over
By watching me fuck over my husband
So BAM
Phoebus falls head over asshole for this chick Leucothoe
What a fucking obnoxious name by the way
Anyway Phoebus is so fucking in love with this chick
(she is no slouch by the way
her mom is like the hottest chick ever
and she is hotter than her mom)
that he neglects ALL his duties
rising early
setting late
sometimes just getting drunk and not showing up at all
failing hard and often
and also neglecting all his hos in different area codes
like for example this broad Clytie
which I think is another pretty lame name just as an aside

anyway finally phoebus can’t take it anymore
and he is like I MUST GO TO YOU MY LOVE
and he disguises himself as Leucothoe’s mom
all coming into her room like HELLO HONEY
LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERLY KISS ON THE FOREHEAD
HEY SERVANTS WE HAVE PRIVATE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS
MY DAUGHTER AND I
PLEASE LEAVE
So all the servants leave
And Phoebus is like hey
haven’t you always wanted to have sex with your mom
and leucothoe is like what no ew
and phoebus is like haha just kidding this is the sun god right here
open up them legs
I control the sun

And leucothoe is understandably skeptical
And phoebus is like BITCH I AM THE SUN GOD DAMMIT
And leucothoe starts to get pretty scared
And phoebus is like OH BABY YOUR FEAR IS SEXY
ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM
And he turns into a giant ball of fire

Now I know what you’re thinking
No leucothoe does not catch on fire
Although that would be totally sweet
She is actually so impressed by this big-dick display
That she is like OH SHIT TAKE ME NOW
So they bang

But see Clytie finds out about this
And because she is a vindictive ho-clown
She decides to tell EVERYONE
ALL ABOUT IT
TWICE
ESPECIALLY LEUCOTHOE’S DAD
Now leucothoe’s dad is what we call a huge asshole
As soon as he finds out about this shit
He gets super pissed off
I dunno about you
But if I just found out my daughter was boning the SUN
I would be impressed
But no this dude just gets angry
And apparently the way he expresses his anger
Is by BURYING HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE UNDER HEAVY SAND
And phoebus is like oh shit fuck what
And tries to burn the sand away
But leucothoe suffocates to death first
So good job on that
And then phoebus gets super sad
And everyone has to deal with a dim mopey-ass sun for a bit
And Clytie is for some reason terribly surprised
That this prank does not get her back into phoebus’s good graces
So she sits down
And does not move or eat or drink
Subsisting on nothing but dew and her own tears
Literally that is what she eats
Watching the sun go through the sky every day
Until she goes blind
Or actually
No
Until she turns into a sunflower
Yes that is what happens

Anyway the moral of the story is if you’re the sun you shouldn’t have any problems picking up chicks
So get on that

The end.

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Another Woman Apollo Failed to Bone

So Cassandra, right?

she is this chick
who is one of the daughters
of king priam of troy
you know
the city i just got finished describing the doom of
or actually i did not finish describing the doom of it
because the fucking iliad is a giant cocktease like that
but my friends
the iliad
is not the ONLY cocktease we’re going to be discussing today

so one night cassandra is out partying or something
and she ends up falling asleep in apollo’s temple
WORD TO THE WISE
DO NOT DO THIS
seriously
ever time a hot chick passes out in like
the temple of zeus
or apollo
or whatever
she wakes up with six kinds of dick jammed in her mouth

so yeah, cassandra wakes up
and apollo is there like HEY I SEE YOU HAVE TITS
HOW ABOUT SOME SEX?
he is really the suavest motherfucker
and cassandra is like ok sure
but you gotta give me the gift of prophecy
and apollo is like oh ill give you a gift alright
the gift of PROPHECY

OK NOW HOLD ON A SECOND
is there about to be some
CONSENSUAL SEX
in a GREEK MYTH?!
don’t be so hasty gentle reader
because as soon as apollo gives her the gift of prophecy
and is like alright now lift up them skirts
cassandra is like hm nope
and apollo is like come on what the fuck
i’m movin’ my dick here
and cassandra is like i can see that
but still nope

so then apollo is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
i guess we’re not gonna have sex after all
but will you at least give me a kiss
and cassandra is like sure i guess
and apollo fucking SPITS IN HER MOUTH guys
and not only that
but his spit
IS CURSED
such that cassandra still has the gift of prophecy
but no one will ever believe her ever

so she goes back to troy
and she is like guys paris is gonna fuck us over
and there is gonna be a war with the greeks
and the greeks are gonna win
and we are all gonna die
and everyone is like aww you are so cute
get the fuck back in the kitchen
and then later everyone in troy dies

so the moral of the story is
never tease a cock
because it WILL tease you back
(also never pay hookers in advance
unless you have the power to curse them with your spit)

The end.

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At least the iliad didn’t fuck your dad too OH WAIT

So this is the last one
happily coinciding with the day
that the echeck that fine superhero of a fan sent to me
actually cleared
also perfect timing
because tomorrow
or maybe the day after tomorrow
i am going to get in a car
and drive to Denver Colorado
and start making some serious use
of this little mobile broadband thing i bought
anyway who gives a shit
let’s hear about dead bodies

Next time i get a total of 20 bucks
I’ll probably do the Aeneid
Unless you have a better idea

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How many mothers would the iliad fuck if the iliad could fuck mothers? ANSWER: YOURS

Alright so i hear it is talk like a pirate day
fuck that
i am not your fucking heartie
you wanna know why
because if you were to walk up to a pirate
like arr matey ye be bilgerattin me gangplank ahoy
you would find yourself on a one way
midnight express
to stabtown
population: your dumb ass

look guys all of this avast bullshit
is really fucking disrespectful to the pirate community
anyway what about somali pirates
i bet they dont say yarr too much do they?
well maybe they do
that’s a bad example
but how about scurvy dog
i dont think they say that very much
i dont even think they speak english very much
how does that make you feel
does it make you feel bad about yourself?
if so
i have admirably fulfilled my role
in ACT like a pirate day
which is a new holiday
scheduled for every day
of the rest of my life
now here’s a video about murder

I don’t need captain jack fuckity sparrow
telling me how to talk
and neither do you
break free motherfuckers
break free

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Apollo fucks trees

alright guys

just bought a copy of ovid’s metamorphoses
for fifty cents
in a curio shop
that until today
i thought was a crackhouse
so yall are gonna have to put up with some greek myths for a while

FOR EXAMPLE

there is this dude apollo right
actually he is more of a god than a dude
a god who has gotten all his cocks in a basket
(this being a phrase i just made up
meaning to become full of one’s self)
because he just killed a fucking python
the first python ever
it’s a bigger deal than it sounds actually
and to tell you about it
would require telling you a whole other myth
which is kind of like the biblical flood
but with werewolves
which i was actually gonna tell today
but then i decided fuck it
anyway if you wanna hear it you should let me know

BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND
apollo has got all his cocks in a basket right
and he does what any man in his situation would do
he starts talking shit
he is like I AM THE BEST BOWMAN EVER
NO ONE IS A BETTER BOWMAN THAN ME
and cupid hears him
and is like oh yeah?
how about me?
and apollo is like how about fuck you
and cupid is like how about i use my arrows to make your life a living hell
and apollo is like how about OH SHIT OH DAMN OH SHITDAMN
because cupid is shooting him in the face
or i guess the heart
but really i mean
cupid only has to hit him in the heart
with one of his arrows
no law that says he can’t fire a bunch of other ones
at your face
in fact sometimes i suspect that is exactly what he does
anyway apollo falls in love with the first chick he sees
this broad daphne

but cupid doesn’t stop there
no no no
he gets another arrow
a really blunt arrow
tipped with lead
and he shoots daphne with it
right between the tits
and the face
so in the collarbone i guess
but instead of breaking her collarbone
this arrow has the effect
of making her totally uninterested in boning apollo
not that daphne needed any help with this at all
because she has already pledged to be a virgin forevar
even though she has a totally rockin body

so then apollo shows up
all HEY HEY HEY DAPHNE
I AM HERE TO PERSONALLY DELIVER AN INVITATION
TO A PARTY
IN MY TOGA
IT’S GONNA BE A SMALL PARTY
REALLY MORE OF A KICKBACK
REALLY MORE LIKE JUST YOU AND ME
IN MY TOGA
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
and daphne does not say anything
because she is already running the FUCK away from there

so what is apollo supposed to do?
he starts running after her obviously
and she keeps running away
and he keeps running after her
and apollo is like WOMAN DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM
I AM APOLLO
I AM LITERALLY A GREEK GOD
I KILLED A PYTHON
IT WAS A HUGE DEAL
I CAN PLAY THE LYRE
I CAN TELL THE FUTURE
I CAN HEAL ANY WOUND
YOUR COLLARBONE LOOKS A LITTLE BRUISED LET ME CHECK IT OUT
but daphne is having none of it
she is hauling ass straight to motherfucking egypt if she has to
so she runs
and he runs
and etc
for THREE DAYS
SERIOUSLY THAT MANY DAYS
and the whole time apollo is like RIGHT behind her
like gonna getcha
gonna gonna getcha
and finally
at the end of these three days
daphne gets tired
and apollo does not
and he is like ha HA!
but the place where daphne finally gets tired
is right on the banks of this river Peneus
haha peneus
and guess what guys
that river
is daphne’s DAD
HOLY SHIT PLOT TWIST
actually not really
in the original version
you are given this information from the beginning
this is just bad storytelling on my part
but anyway daphne is like DAD
HELP
TURN ME INTO A TREE SO I DONT GET RAPED
and BAM
first laurel tree ever motherfuckers
right there
where daphne used to be
and apollo runs in
like MAN CAN I TOUCH SOME TIT BEFORE YOU TURN TO WOOD aww

but he salvages the situation
by declaring that from now on
he’s gonna wear a wreath of laurels all the time
and so is his lyre
and some other stuff of his
and some roman dudes
and all this shit
i think the words he actually uses are
“you cannot be my woman but you can be my tree”
which is just intensely creepy
but daphne seems ok with it
i guess because it is either this or rape

so ladies
the moral of the story is
fuck wasting your money on a rape whistle
get adopted by a river named Penis
problem solved

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How would you feel if you came home to find that the Iliad had fucked your mother?

Big news guys
today the amount of imaginary money i have earned
from the google adsense bullshit monetary tomfoolery carnival
broke FORTY DOLLARS!
Only sixty more to go before I am 100 dollars richer
in REAL money
but please don’t interpret this as some kind of a missive
to CLICK MY ADS
that would be against the terms of use or something
anyway here’s a video of some guy with no shirt on

has anyone here
ever actually read the terms of use
all the way through
on anything
ever?

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Did you miss the norse? THEY MISSED YOU.

alright so the aesir right

they are getting sick and tired of not murdering anybody
like
that is what you do when you are an aesir
you murder all the time
giants mostly
but really whatever you can get ahold of

so it is just bad luck that on this particular day
this dude Gullveig shows up
i have no fucking clue who this guy is honestly
other than he is one of the Vanir
who are like the bizarro justice league
to the aesir’s justice league
i think i talked about this before

anyway Odin is like WELCOME TO MY HALL GULLVEIG
HOPE YOU LIKE GETTING STABBED AND SET ON FIRE
and gullveig is like actually i like it fine
and after he is done getting burned to death
he just stands up and is like try again dipshits
so they try again
and then they try a third time
and by this point it becomes pretty clear
that nothing is getting accomplished
so they are like alright dude you can leave
i guess
unless there’s some other way we can murder you?
and gullveig is like no not really
peace
thanks for the stab wounds

so gullveig goes back to the vanir
who already kind of hate the aesir
cause you know
bizarro
and he’s like guess where i just got stabbed and set on fire
and the other vanir are like THE HALLS OF THE AESIR?
and gullveig is like bingo
and the vanir are like MOTHERFUCKING WARTIME UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW

so then there’s a war
and the aesir are pretty confident they can win this shit
in fact odin doesn’t even bother to throw his spear AT the dudes fighting
he just kind of chucks it over their heads
just so that everyone will know he has a spear or something?
anyway that turns out to be a mistake
because the vanir are every bit as strong as the aesir
in fact both sides are so evenly matched
that the war goes on FOR FUCKING EVER
everyone raping the shit out of everybody else’s fields
salting the women
whatever

basically after a while everyone is like ok whoa now
why are we spending all this time murdering each other
and then getting resurrected probably and just doing it again
when there are GIANTS
over in JOTUNHEIM
not getting murdered AT ALL

so they make a truce
and in order to cement the truce
they exchange hostages
the vanir give the aesir Frey and Freyja
Frey being the god of fertility or something
and Freyja being the goddess of like
love
and other icky stuff

meanwhile the aesir are like hrm
who are the most useless people we have?
oh i know
let’s give them this dude Hoenir
and then also this super wise sage Mimir
now together these two dudes are actually pretty great
Hoenir is an awesome leader and general
and Mimir is just an all around super wise dude
you may recall that he has a well somewhere
but eventually the Vanir figure out
that Hoenir is TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON MIMIR
for opinions
like if mimir is not around
hoenir will just be like well shit i dunno
leading the vanir to believe that Hoenir is just some kind of like
illusion or something
which honestly he probably is
i mean the text is not clear here
but i’ve never fucking heard of any Hoenir
who is this guy

so the vanir solve the problem in the best way they know how
they cut off mimir’s head
and mail it to odin
and odin is like fuck what now
oh i know
i’ll have this head REANIMATED
so that it can tell me SECRETS
and this is exactly what he does
and it actually works
adding yet another thing
to the list of bizarre shit
odin does for secrets

meanwhile the aesir don’t chop of Frey’s head
OR Freyja’s head
in fact they treat them really well
and let them have a seat on the council
which basically means that the Vanir won the war
because they get to disagree with EVERYTHING the aesir council says
meanwhile the hostages the aesir gave the vanir
are either headless
or have no opinions

so the moral of the story is
when you lose a war
try and give your enemy some really sweet hostages
and then decapitate all the ones they give you
but probably most of you will probably not win any wars
sorry to say
so i guess just try to apply this moral
to the next time you lose at kickball or monopoly or whatever

the end

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What kind of Iliad is it? The MOTHERFUCKING kind. That’s what kind.

So alright
literally like 30 minutes after i posted that last myth
with that shameless plea for money
a kind kind soul
(whose name i will not divulge
out of courtesy
because i know all you bastards would be at his or her door
tomorrow morning
with your tin cups out)
gave me twenty american dollars
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT
I have now made enough money off this blog
to afford the little wireless device
that will give me internet wherever I go
I ordered it two minutes ago
and UPS is bringing it to the house i have broken into
and slept in for the past week and a half
so thank you, kind stranger
here is your awesome reward
or at least 1/4 of it

new city
new hat
same shirtless

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