Ali Baba has really legit slaves

For those of you who wanted stories about badass ladies
and also this chick Babs who wanted some Arabian shit up in here:

Alright so there’s this dude Ali Baba right

and he has this brother named Cassim
Cassim is a prick
just putting that out there
you’ll see why later
but for now what you need to know
is that these dudes have a dad
but then he dies
and so then Cassim takes over the dad’s business
which is some kind of merchant bullshit
and he marries a rich chick
and meanwhile Ali Baba is just like fuck this
I want to work a labor intensive minimum wage job
for the rest of my life
ima be a woodcutter
HE DOES THIS BECAUSE HE IS A VIRTUOUS PERSON

anyway one day Ali Baba is out in the woods
wasting his life
when he hears a bunch of horse dudes coming by
and he IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THEM AS THIEVES
and he is like holy shit thieves
I know
I’LL COUNT THEM
OH LOOK FORTY THIEVES
THAT IS A LOT OF THIEVES
and he watches these forty dudes go up to a rock
and then the head thief is like
(say it with me now my friends)
OPEN SESAME
which is a shitty password for a secret cave
because i mean
that’s like the first thing EVERYBODY TRIES
EVERYBODY knows about open sesame
jesus christ

anyway yeah the rock opens
and they all go inside
and then they come out
and then they leave
and then ali baba is like shiiiiiit
i gotta try this
so he goes up to the rock and he is like OPEN SESAME
and he goes inside
and there is SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE IT IS COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE
this is like scrooge mcduck
fucking swimming in a sea of gold coins status
this is DIAMOND TSUNAMI UP THE FUCKING YIN-YANG
and ali baba is like whoa now
looks like it is officially treasure o’clock in the baba household
and he loads up all his mules with treasure
instead of the shitty wood he was GOING to load them up with
which i guess means a whole bunch of cold dudes are gonna go without firewood
but who the fuck cares ali baba is rich now
so he goes home and he is like wife
WIFE
I HAVE SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE
and his wife is like GREAT GREASY BALLS OF BANGKOK
YOU’RE RIGHT
LET’S TELL EVERYBODY
and ali baba is like settle down woman
i stole this money from thieves
that makes me a DOUBLETHIEF
and the problem with being a doublethief
is that not even thieves like doublethieves
the general public is slightly more sympathetic to us
but like
the thieves are the ones with all the knives
so that is really the most important PR hurdle here
and ali baba’s wife is like shit
well we should at least weigh this shit
so we know how rich we are
and ali baba is like tru dat
but we don’t have a scale
hey my bro has a scale
go ask his wife if you can use it

so ali baba’s wife goes to cassim’s place
and she’s like hey cassim’s wife
lemme use your scale right quick
but see cassim’s wife has a common malady
called being a nosy bitch
so she coats the scales in wax
and a gold coin gets stuck to the wax when ali baba’s wife is done measuring
and then cassim’s wife comes in
and is like WHOA DAMN
GOLD
BETTER TELL MY HUSBAND
so basically some time in the next ten seconds
Cassim is basically humping down Ali Baba’s door

he’s like HEY
HEY
HEY BRO
WHERE YOU GET TREASURE
and ali baba is like oh well i doublestole it
and Cassim is like SWEET FROM WHERE
and ali baba is like well i guess i’ll tell you
since we are best bros
and then some time in the next ten seconds
cassim is trying to hump his way into the secret thiefcave
but then he remembers that the password is not humping
the password is open sesame
and he gets inside
AND HAS AN ATOMIC GENTIAL EXPLOSION OF GREEDLUST
fuck swimming through this gold
this dude is going SNORKELING
and he does all that shit where like
his eyes turn into dollar signs
and then his teeth make a cash register sound
and he starts shitting invoices or some shit

anyway he completely fails at robbery
wanna know why?
BECAUSE HE FORGETS
THE
PASSWORD
guys
how do you forget OPEN SESAME
first off it is TWO WORDS
AND THEY ARE PRETTY EASY WORDS TO REMEMBER
ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY THE WORD
FOR THE THING YOU WANT THE DOOR TO DO
second off EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT OPEN SESAME
IT WAS IN ALLADIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
anyway then the thieves show up and cut him into quarters
which kills him pretty decisively

SO NATURALLY EVERYBODY GETS PRETTY WORRIED
and eventually ali baba is like fuck i better go check on my shitty sibling
so he goes to the cave
and he goes inside
and RIGHT INSIDE THE ENTRANCE is four pieces of his bro
danglin’ around
bein’ gross
and ali baba is like BALLS
THIS IS TERRIBLE
and he steals the meatbits
and brings them back home
and sneaks them into Cassim’s house
and then he gets one of Cassim’s slaves
her name is Morgiana
you know she is important
because she is a woman WHO ACTUALLY HAS A NAME
and Ali Baba is like look
your boss is kind of like
in quarters right now
what i need you to do
is make it look like he died of natural causes
and Morgiana is like you want me to do what
and Ali Baba is like bitch you will do what i say

so Morgiana straight up handles the fuck out of this
see first she goes to the pharmacy
and buys a ton of drugs
and is like CASSIM’S SICK GUYS TELL YOUR FRIENDS
then she hires this tailor
and she blindfolds him
and brings him to Cassim’s place
and has him sew up the four giblets into a presentable corpse
which probably at this point smells like a seven layer dip
where every layer is shit
anyway this succeeds in fooling everybody somehow
but Ali Baba has bigger problems
because the thieves come back to their cave
and they see the body gone
and they’re like SHIT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S MORE DOUBLETHIEVES
BETTER FIND THEM AND STAB THEM WITH THESE KNIVES WE HAVE

so the head thief sends some lesser thief into town
to do some research
and the lesser thief comes across this tailor
who is like dude
i just sewed four pieces of a dead guy together
and the thief is like oh shit where
and the tailor was like i dunno i was blindfolded
and the thief is like how about i blindfold you again
and the tailor is like oh well in that case
I guess I remember exactly how to get there
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK
anyway the tailor leads the thief to Cassim’s place
which Ali Baba has apparently moved into
because he came up with this clever plan
for making it seem normal that he is suddenly rich as fuck
his plan involves polygamy
by which i mean his plan involves marrying his dead bro’s wife
and then being like oh yeah she had all this money
it is mine now
hooray
but anyway this has the unintentional side effect
of making Ali Baba be in Cassim’s house
which is the house the thieves have decided they are going to fuck up
all of this is to say that the lesser thief finds the house
and he puts a mark on the door
so he’ll remember it
and then he goes back to his dudes
and that night they go into the city to murder some folks
BUT MORGIANA IS TOO CLEVER FOR THIS PLOY
she happens to notice some sketchy looking dude
making a highly suspicious mark on her front door
and she just goes outside
and copies that mark onto like every door in town
so when the thieves come that night
they either have to go home
or murder everybody in town
WIN WIN
so when the thieves show up they are like what the fuck is this
and then the lesser thief is executed

SO THE NEXT DAY A NEW THIEF GOES INTO TOWN
and he finds the same tailor
and the tailor leads him to the same house
but THIS GUY is a clever motherfucker
see he marks the house by taking a chunk out of the front step
except then Morgiana just does THAT to all the other houses
and THAT dude gets executed

SO THEY TRY THIS SHIT AGAIN
AND A NEW THIEF FINDS THE HOUSE
and this dude is about to try like
pissing all over the welcome mat or something
when he is like wait
here’s an idea
why don’t I try REMEMBERING WHAT THIS HOUSE LOOKS LIKE
BRILLIANT
so that night the thieves are pretty sure they’re gonna get some murdering in

so the remaining 38 dudes come up with yet another shitty plan
basically the leader of the thieves is gonna pretend to be a merchant
and then he is going to have 38 jars of oil with him
and he is going to go to Ali Baba’s place
and be like dude can you hook a brother up with some lodgings
and then when he is inside all the thieves are going to murder everyone
so basically this is like the trojan horse
except instead of a horse
it’s a dude who wants to crash on your couch for free
and store his huge truckload of suspicious wares in your house
i call it
THE TROJAN DRIFTER

anyway Morgiana sees right through this shit too
and she is just like well if these are all full of oil
i guess you won’t mind if I pour some BOILING OIL IN THEM
so she does that
and all the thieves scream and die
and then the thief chieftan (thieftan) escapes
to plot even MORE USELESS REVENGES
TO WIT:
over the course of like TEN YEARS
this dude sets himself up as a merchant
befriends Ali Baba’s son
and is all set to murder the shit out of him
when MORGIANA ONCE AGAIN PIERCES THROUGH HIS THICK COATING OF BULLSHIT
PICKS UP A DAGGER
DOES A SEXY DANCE WITH IT TO DISTRACT EVERYONE
AND THEN STABS HIM IN THE FUCKING MOUTH
at which point Ali Baba is like jesus christ woman
you know what
you get to stop being a slave
in fact
marry my son
seriously you are like solely responsible for me not dying
ABOUT FOUR MILLION TIMES OVER
and then everyone is rich as fuck forever

so the moral of the story is
fuck self sufficiency
get slaves

THE END.

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Romeo and Juliet Are Doing It Wrong

Alright so love right

we already know it makes people do some pretty wild shit
but who could have suspected
that the wildest shit of all
would be done by a couple of thirteen year olds
with ready access to swords and poison
oh that’s right
EVERYBODY

but lemme back up real quick
no use skipping to the end
my girlfriend always gets mad at me when i do that
or she would
if I HAD a girlfriend
how do you think i have time to write all these myths guys
anyway yeah what we are dealing with in this story
is there are two noble royal rich as fuck houses
the Capulets and the Montagues
now the main trait of the Capulets
is that they really fucking hate Montagues
and the Montagues are more or less defined
by the unusual extent to which they hate the capulets
remove this and the ENTIRE POWER STRUCTURE WOULD CRUMBLE
seriously these dudes hate each other a whole lot
like one time a bunch of Capulets are walking down the street
and one of them just happens to nibble on one of his fingers
in the direction of some fucking Montague
BAM
STREETFIGHT
so that should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit we’re dealing with

now the prince is sick to fucking death of this tomfoolery
so he makes a law that is like hey guys
next dude to perpetuate this age-old rivalry
GETS SKULLFUCKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN
so that puts a damper on the rampant murdering
FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

meanwhile there is this dude Romeo
he is the son of Mister Montague himself
and he’s totally pining the shit out of himself over some broad named Rosaline
who the fuck is she
could be anyone
remember
ROMEO IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
ROSALINE COULD BE A GODDAMN WASHING MACHINE FOR ALL WE KNOW
HE HAS PRETTY MUCH JUST DISCOVERED HE HAS A PENIS
SLAP A PAIR OF TITS ON A FUCKING BICYCLE
AND IT SUDDENLY BECOMES PRIME WIENER-RUBBING REAL ESTATE
so Romeo’s homie Benvolio gets on his case about it
like dude come on get over this bitch she’s not worth it
I can get you like fourteen or fifteen different varieties of laid man
a whole exotic box of chocolates full of sexual hijinks
bro i am such an excellent wingman
that if you were to duct tape one of me to each arm
you would ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FLY
AND I WOULD GET YOU LAID IN MIDAIR
look man i have a plan
see Capulet is having this sweet masquerade ball
and as we all know the hottest chicks
are the ones who would straight up murder you if they knew who you were
so how about we put on some really absurd masks
and get our freak on with some bad decisions
and romeo is like FINE BUT I’M NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT

but it turns out Romeo is wrong about this
in fact romeo being wrong about things is going to kind of be a running theme
because see Romeo has been at this party all of SIX SECONDS
when he falls head over pubes for this masked chick
and they take off their masks to start making out
and HOLY SHIT IT’S JULIET
DAUGHTER OF MISTER CAPULET
HOW COULD THINGS GET ANY MORE CONVENIENTLY DRAMATIC
also where the fuck is Benvolio during all this
isn’t the whole point of having a wingman
so that you don’t end up doing shit like
going home with some kind of transvestite tyrannosaur
or THE DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHERS’ BLOOD RIVAL?
my current theory
is that Benvolio was using all his wingman powers on himself
and probably getting his dick sucked by a rotating lazy susan COVERED IN HOT CHICKS
then he probably fucked the lazy suzan because it had a girls’ name
BENVOLIO: Perhaps the only person who comes out ahead in this play?

anyway Romeo totally forgets about Rosaline
which I guess is a good thing
but it is balanced out by an incredibly bad thing
which is that now he is in love with a chick
who HE CANNOT BE SEEN WITH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH
of course this doesn’t stop romeo
from jumping the walls around Juliet’s house
and serenading her with all this poetic bullshit
about how she is like the sun
or some light that breaks the window over there or something
to be honest I don’t really understand shakespeare very well
anyway Juliet is so turned on by this shit
that she is like OH SHIT LET’S BONE
BUT WAIT
FIRST LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE

whoa
slow down there soggypants
MARRIAGE?
YOU LITTLE SHITS HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO DAYS
PERHAPS I DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE POWER OF LOVE
BUT I FEEL LIKE TWO DAYS
IS A SHORT MOTHERFUCKING TIMEFRAME FOR MARRIAGE
you sure you guys wouldn’t rather like
go steady for a little while?
seriously all you assholes know about each other
is that you both like smooching
and that your romance is FOOLHARDY AND DANGEROUS
but no worries guys
here comes Friar Lawrence
enabling ALL your bad teenage decisions
because he thinks getting these fucks married
might make peace between the goddamn hatfields and mccoys over here
BOY IS HE WRONG

see no sooner have Romeo and Juliet gotten secretly married
then Juliet’s cousin Tybalt finds out that Romeo crashed that mask party
and decides to go fuck his shit up
pause for a second
does anyone else think Tybalt sounds like a brand of dogfood?
anyone?
ok unpause
so Tybalt
who I envision as Biff from back to the future
is like hey McFly
how about i stab you for trespassing on my fucking party
and Romeo is like dude I’m kind of your cousin in law now
it would be pretty gauche of me to murder you
and Tybalt is like ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULD TAKE ME
and romeo is like dude chill out i am trying to get my bone on over here
and Tybalt is like RAAAAAAAAA
and finally Romeo’s OTHER buddy Mercutio
who is like several years older than basically everybody else
but for some reason hangs out with all these shitty people
shows up like dammit
Romeo
why you gotta be such a pussy
now I’VE gotta stab this guy with swords
AND THEN IT IS FIGHT TIME
but Romeo does not want it to be fight time
so he jumps right in the middle of the fight
distracting his friend long enough
for his friend to get gutstabbed by Tybalt
and that pisses off romeo so much that Romeo kills Tybalt
and then with his dying breath Mercutio is like
I hope you guys all get aids

so remember when I said the Prince made that law about murdering?
well Tybalt is dead so he can’t get punished for shit
SO IT LOOKS LIKE ROMEO IS THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS FUCKED OVER
yeah he kind of gets exiled on pain of death
but not before spending a night boning up a secret righteous storm
with bad-decisions barbie over here
hey Friar Lawrence
great job bringing peace and everything
dick

so meanwhile Juliet is bummed all the way out
and her dad interprets this as a burning desire
to get married to some asshole named paris
GUYS
NO ONE NAMED PARIS IS A QUALITY HUMAN BEING
HISTORY HAS SHOWN THIS
anyway Juliet is like shit i can’t tell my dad
what is really going on
I need some kind of stupid and desperate plan
and Friar Lawrence is like hm
stupid desperate plans are my specialty
here
drink this poison I made
it will only kill you for 2 days
then you will wake up in a creepy cemetery
and we can send a letter to romeo to let him know to pick you up
and everything will be great and nothing will suck
WHAT COULD GO WRONG

so Juliet chugs poison and dies
(TEMPORARILY)
(FOR NOW)
and Friar Lawrence sends the messenger to get Romeo
but apparently Friar Lawrence has shitty messengers
because before the messenger gets there
some other messenger arrives
and is like hey dude
Juliet’s dead
and Romeo is like OH FUCK
THERE GOES MY REASON FOR LIVING
and he buys out the local poison warehouse
and then goes to Juliet’s tomb
where he finds that asshole paris hunched over her dead body
prolly fondling her boob
and so Romeo kills that guy
and then he drinks poison and dies
because you see
only chumps settle for diamonds
if you really want to show her you love her:
MURDER-SUICIDE

so Juliet wakes up literally like a minute later
due to the magic of THEATRICAL TIMING
and she is like aw fuckbucket
now I gotta kill myself for realsies
so she does that
with a knife this time
making her officially more manly than her boyfriend
or wait I’m sorry
HUSBAND
or shit I mean
FUCKING RETARDED CORPSE

so the moral of the story is
the secret to any good relationship
is communication

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
because the whole point of my telling this myth today
was as a very roundabout way
of asking this classy dame Paige
if she would be willing
to give a shot to an equally classy dude
named Nick

NOW PAIGE
READ/LISTEN TO MY WORDS VERY CLOSELY:
YOUR HYPOTHETICAL ROMANCE WITH NICK WILL NOT
I REPEAT
WILL NOT
BE ANYTHING LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET’S SEX DISASTER
in fact
i’m pretty sure the purpose of me telling you this
is to illustrate for you the exact OPPOSITE
of what going out with this Nick guy is gonna be like
and just for the record I checked this guy’s background for you
he does not have any swords
and his lips are refreshingly free of poison
also I’m pretty sure he’s not 13
because a thirteen year old would not be able to afford my services
either that
or he is an extremely financially secure thirteen year old
in which case i suggest riding that money train
all the way to the money train station
so seriously
trust a love expert
START SMOOCHING NOW THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE

The end.

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I heard you liked shirts

SO I MADE SOME FUCKING SHIRTS
GO BUY THEM

also, seeing as there is not normally a myth today
(unless I’m doing videos
which I will do as soon as I get my throat back)
I thought you guys might like these words
written by someone who reads this shit I write
they are pretty sweet i definitely laughed
and laughing hurts right now so that’s serious business

PRETTY BIG DAY GUYS I’M GOING TO WATCH SOME PORN THEN GO TO SLEEP

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Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

So as those of you with eyes and attention spans may already know
we just got finished with a video retelling of the book of Exodus
next up is gonna be Dante’s Inferno
but there’s gonna have to be a little lag time unfortunately
because I am still incapable of speech
and I don’t have access to Dante Alighieri’s agents
so i can’t get him to do it
and then … it’s not set in stone yet
but it looks like I’m going to be doing Candide after that
assuming people give me a little more money
(which you guys are actually doing at a pretty alarming rate
so good job)
anyway you should make sure to check out the site on valentine’s day
cause i have something special planned
oh also today’s myth was suggested
by international crimefighter KIRI JUSTICE

Alright so there’s this chick Natasha right

She lives in bumfuck nowhere Russia
Which is where most people in Russia seem to live
Just judging by the stories I’ve heard
Not a whole lot of actual PLACES in Russia it seems like
Anyway this chick lives with her dad
And they’re doing pretty ok
Some serious father-daughter bonding shit going on
Seeing as Natasha’s mom is DEAD
It is all extremely fucking heartwearming

UNTIL ONE DAY THIS FATHER UP AND MARRIES SOME NEW CHICK
My friends
What is it about stepmothers
And being the worst ever?
It seems like pretty much a prerequisite for being a stepmother
Is that you have to suck pretty much as hard as possible
At all times
Is there like
a training course?
When widowed dudes are looking to get remarried
Is it like adopting a kid
Where you have to contact the stepmother agency
And they dispatch a wretched bitch to ruin the lives of your children?
ADDITIONALLY
what is this father
some kind of ultimate retard?
doesn’t he know about stepmothers?
and even if for some reason we excuse him for THAT lack of foresight
i guess this chick must have mastered the seven deadly vagina tricks
because he is COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE SHIT
THAT HIS DAUGHTER JUSTIFIABLY SAYS ABOUT THIS EVIL BITCH
like how the stepmother has decided oh
yeah
my stepdaughter doesn’t get to eat human food now
just breadcrusts and distilled sadness ichor
and she has to do all the cooking and cleaning
and must be beaten constantly because she is the cause of all our problems
GUYS
WHAT PROBLEMS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE SUFFERING FROM PROBLEMS
IS THE DAUGHTER WHO IS BEING BLAMED FOR THEM
THIS RUSE IS SO TRANSPARENT
THAT IF SOMEONE WORE IT TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS
THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE FUCKING SCANDAL ALL OVER THE PLACE
and meanwhile the father is like durr uh sure
abuse my daugher as much as you want
just as long as where your vagina ends up at the end of the day
is on my penis

so this continues for a while
until the stepmother decides to try and push her luck
ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OFF A CLIFF
she’s like hm abusing this young child is nice and all
but what would be even sweeter
is if she was DEAD
OH LITTLE CHILD
and natasha shows up like what the fuck do you want now
and the stepmother is like i want you to go see my sister
you know
THE CHILD-EATING WITCH BABA YAGA
I need a needle and thread and I hear she has one of those
and natasha is like seriously?
there is a needle and thread right here
and the stepmother is like DON’T FUCK WITH ME GO DIE
and natasha is like shit ok i guess
and she packs up some like moldy bread and scraps of meat and cheese
in a handkerchief
and she sets off into the forest
to go get eaten

so after following her stepmothers’ shitty magical directions
for HOURS
Natasha finally arrives at Baba Yaga’s house
which
by the way
HAS LEGS
CHICKEN LEGS
and walks around the yard
kind of being imposing
so Natasha goes up to the gate
and she opens it
and it’s SUPER SQUEAKY
but luckily there is some oil right there
and so natasha fixes that problem
and then she gets into the yard
and one of Baba Yaga’s servants is crying her face off
and natasha is like good thing I have this handkerchief
so she takes all her food out of the handkerchief
and gives the sadrag to the servant
who is like oh snap thanks
and then there’s a dog
chewing on a shitty worthless bone
and natasha is like WELP I’VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY HALF MY POSESSIONS
MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS DOG SOME MEAT
and the dog seems pretty happy with this

so then Natasha finally gets into the actual house
somehow
the story does not say how she manages to board a mobile chickenhouse
but anyway she does
and there’s Baba Yaga
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
anyway Baba Yaga is like what up bitch
and Natasha is like my shitty stepmother wants a needle and thread
and Baba Yaga is like oh you mean she wants me to eat you
I understand
just wait here for a second while I prepare to eat you
you can work the loom in the meantime
in fact you fucking better or I will dispense with this entire charade
and just eat you immediately
and Natasha is like sure i guess
and she starts weaving
HONESTLY WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER GOING TO BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
WHY NOT GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND JUST CHILL FOR A WHILE
AND THEN COME BACK HOME LIKE BOY
THAT SURE WAS SCARY
WHAT’S HER STEPMOTHER GONNA DO THEN?
EAT HER?
anyway Natasha is weaving

so Baba Yaga goes to her servant like hey
make a super hot bath for this chick
SO I CAN BOIL HER IN IT
and the servant is not too jazzed about this
so she proceeds to fill the bathtup
using a fucking sieve
such that she is making very little progress at all
and meanwhile natasha is still weaving
and she sees a cat
just staring at this fucking mousehole
and she is like shit that cat must really want to murder a mouse
good thing I have all this shitty cheese
so she gives the cheese to the cat
and the cat just eats it
i guess the cat was not very intent on killing any mice
and then the cat is like thanks girl
and instead of being like HOLY FUCK A TALKING CAT
Natasha acts like this is a thing cats normally do
and is like hey cat what’s good
and the cat is like i bet you want to not get eaten huh
and Natasha is like that is a correct assessment
and the cat is like here’s what you do
you see that towel and that comb over there by the bathtub?
just grab that shit and run
and when Baba Yaga gets close to you just throw that towel behind you
and it will turn into a river
and then later throw the comb behind you
and it will turn into a forest
honestly I dunno why she keeps this shit in her house
but there it is
use it to your advantage
and natasha is like but shit
if I stop weaving
Baba Yaga will immediately know i am not here
and she’ll just fuck me up for serious
and the cat is like don’t worry i got that shit covered
I am a cat that can talk
it follows that I am also a cat that can operate a loom
and natasha is like yeah that’s about as reasonable as everything else

so the cat hops on the loom
and honestly
it is pretty shitty at looming
just tangling the fuck out of the deathbeanie
instigating some tantric motherfucking knots up in this bitch
and meanwhile Natasha jacks the towel and the comb
and gets the fuck out of the chickenhouse
and she gets to the yard
and the dog is about to just fucking rip her up
and then it’s like wait a second
you’re the chick that gave me meat earlier
it would be discourteous of me to maul you
carry on
and then she gets to the gate
which of course makes no noise at all because of the oil
and then she starts running

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SHITTY WALKING HOUSE
Baba Yaga comes out to murder Natasha
only to find that not only is Natasha not there
but her weaving project is BEYOND RUINED
and she is like dammit cat
what the fuck
and the cat is like hey bitch maybe you should try feeding me some time
and Baba Yaga is like fuck you
and servant girl why the fuck did you take so long to make the bath
and the servant girl is like maybe you should try paying me?
and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HER
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH

so at this point Baba Yaga realizes
that she can either argue with animals and inanimate objects
or fucking kill Natasha
so she gets on her magic flying mortar and pestle
which she basically operates by masturbating furiously
and takes off after Natasha
and pretty soon she catches up with her
BUT THEN NATASHA CREATES A RIVER
WHICH IS MAGIC SO BABA YAGA CAN’T CROSS IT
and baba yaga is like fuuuuuck
flies back home
gets all her cows
makes them drink the water
and then gets back on her mortar and pestle
and takes off after Natasha again
at which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FOREST
which is pretty impressive
considering i think she’s already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FOREST
and predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFOREST
so Natasha gets away
and she gets back home
and she’s like hey dad
I think you have some grounds for divorce
it’s called your wife is related to a witch
who she just tried to feed me to
oh also i mean there’s the child abuse but come on
we’re russian
we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine
and so her dad divorces ultrabitch
and he and his altruistic daughter live happily ever after
until they die during the harsh, harsh winter

so the moral of the story
is if someone tells you to go visit their evil cannibal sister
out in the middle of the forest
just stay home
otherwise you might have to be kind to animals
and who the fuck wants to do that?

The end.

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I’m all out of shitty puns about EXODUS

Still missing vital parts of my throat
but Moses kindly agreed to fill in for me again
honestly i don’t think the dude has much going on right now

pretty sure I saw him holding a sign outside of Ralph’s
it said “WILL WORK MIRACLES FOR FOOD”

PS: Currently making shirt stencils in this order:
– NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART
– DWARVES DRINKING MY BLOOD
– CROSSDRESSING
they should be ready to order in the next few days

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Russia Has Fucked Up Monsters

Alright guys I’m all twacked out on codiene right now
but it’s not really working
except that it is making me sleepy and retarded
so what I think is happening
is I am living in a magical kingdom
where things only have negative side effects
anyway here’s a myth suggested by this dude Ryan
let’s see if my fingers work

so there’s this fucking seminary right

(one of my favorite things about having this blog
is I get to routinely use words like fucking and seminary
IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE)
anyway there are all of these jackasses who go to school there
seriously none of them are quality people
basically the older they get
the more shitfaced they get as a matter of course
and they basically just spend most of their time
beating the shit out of each other
and stealing food from the locals
THIS IS CLASS A EDUCATION MY FRIENDS

anyway everybody’s favorite time of year
seeing as there is pretty much nothing good
about going to seminary school
is the time of year when everybody gets to go home for summer vacation
except here’s the thing
half of these dudes don’t HAVE homes
because remember
this is russia
or actually the Ukraine
where every vector of misery is EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLORED
so what they all do
is they all get together
and they start walking down the road to fuck knows where
hitting up folks along the way
and kind of just living in their houses for as long as possible
eating the maximum possible quantity of food
drinking the maximum possible quantity of booze

so after a while the procession starts to get pretty slim
you know
when all the dudes with actual CHARISMA have found places to stay
and pretty soon it is down to just these three assholes
Thomas, Khalava and Tiberius
one thing I will say for russia:
SWEET NAMES
anyway these dudes have been walking for DAYS
and they are pretty hungry and tired
and they are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no place to sleep
and it is getting pretty late
and Khalava is like alright guys i guess we should just camp here
but Thomas
who is a douchebag
is like come on dudes I gotta get my drunk on
lets find someone who we can steal booze from
and Khalava
who is also a douchebag
and also a kleptomaniac
is like sure ok

so they wander through this fucking forest for a really long time
and finally they find this janky looking house
and an old woman comes out
like get the fuck off my lawn kids
and they are like fuck no come on
are you really gonna let us like die in the woods
and the old woman is like fuck fine
one of you can sleep in the closet
one of you can sleep on the floor
and one of you can sleep in the sheep pen
and while she is saying this Khalava has already stolen some fish
and then he forgets about it
and Thomas steals the fish from Khalava
2X STEAL COMBO

so Thomas goes to sleep in the sheep pen
after devouring the fuck out of the fish he doublestole
and maybe fifteen minutes pass when the old woman waltzes in
and starts walking towards Tomas not really saying anything
and Thomas is like whoa now granny
normally I am all for some hot geriatric loving
but i just walked a very long distance today
and i don’t quite have my sexlegs under me right now
if you catch my drift
but granny is NOT CATCHING ANY OF HIS DRIFT WHATSOEVER
she just keeps walking towards him
and then he notices
HER FUCKING EYES ARE GLOWING
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and she jumps on his back
and literally rides his ass all across the countryside
like YAH TRICK YAH
for hours and hours
til he’s super tired
and he finally thinks maybe it’d be a good idea
to start shouting every exorcism he knows
DUDE WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS EARLIER
but anyway it works
and the old woman falls off his back
and then Thomas gets on HER back
and is like WHO IS THE TRICK NOW
and beats her with a stick while she runs around
until some time around dawn she falls down from exhaustion
and then turns into a beautiful woman?

so Thomas does the only sensible thing
which is run to Kiev
and never speak of this shit again
except maybe a week or two goes by
when some messenger comes
like hey dude
this hot chick showed up at her dad’s house
dying of exhaustion
she wants you to come say prayers over her for 3 days
and Thomas is like FUCK NO
and everyone is like DO IT OR GET HIT WITH STICKS
so he finally does it
he shows up at this chick’s dad’s place
and he goes to see the body
and SURPRISE SURPRISE
IT’S THE CHICK HE BEAT TO DEATH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
although honestly this is not a surprise at all
what other hot chick is gonna know this prick’s name?
anyway now he REALLY doesn’t wanna say prayers over her
but they make him do it anyway

so the first night
he’s in this old abandoned church
just him and the body
and he’s saying prayers
and suddenly the chick sits up in her coffin
like hey dude you done fucked up
and Thomas is like SHIT SHIT FUCKBALLS
and draws a magic circle of protection around himself
so she can’t get him
at which point she decides the best course of action
is to fly around the church in her coffin
trying to scare him out of the circle
i guess flying coffins are pretty scary
i’ve seen a few in my day
but they are not scary enough
to make a dude abandon his ONE VESTIGE OF SAFETY
so that is a colossal failure
but luckily for witchtits
Thomas still has to say prayers for TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS
that’s right
it’s a motherfucking PRAYERSTRAVAGANZA UP IN THIS CHURCH
so the second night
the witch gets all her demon pals together
and they ALL start flying all the fuck around the church
but here is the problem with these demons:
THEY CANNOT SEE THOMAS FOR SOME REASON
so that’s basically worthless
and Thomas manages to escape death for another night
but there is still one more night
for this chick to get this whole unholy murder thing right

so on the last night
i guess she calls in a favor with this evil gnome king
his name is Viy
or Vij
depending on who you ask
and like what time of day it is
doesn’t really matter what his name is
what matters
is he has eyelids that reach ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR
and he can see
EVERYTHING
guys
these two traits seem contradictory
but anyway
Thomas shows up at the church for the third night in a row
i mean i’m not going to sell this dude short
he TRIES to escape
but everyone is like fuck no
it is for some reason extremely important
that you say as many prayers AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE OVER THIS FUCKING BODY
so he’s more or less boned
and they haul in this droopy-lidded motherfucker
and Thomas KNOWS he shouldn’t look at it when they lift up its eyebrows
but he does it anyway
because i mean
at this point
i think he pretty much knows he’s fucked
and he sees this really gross face basically
and then Vij is like hey demons
DEMONS
the dude is right there
he’s been standing right there the whole time
what the fuck guys
can’t you see?
you know what you guys need?
droopier eyelids

so then all the demons swarm up on Thomas
and he dies of fright or whatever
and then the story ends with his shitty friends
talking about how he totally had this coming
for no better reason than that they are assholes
and that is the kind of shit assholes say
when their friends die

so the moral of the story
is if you are looking for a place to spend the night
and your only option is a woman who is clearly a witch
consider camping as an alternative
witches are really shitty hosts is what it comes down to

alright i’m going to go cry tears of blood and hate now

THE END.

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Becoming King Is Not Very Complicated

Ok so look guys

I know you are all itching to get all up on some ADVANCED arthurian shit
Like Morgan Lefay and Sir Gallahad and Tristram and whatnot
but there are people here
as of yet UNINITIATED IN THE RIGORS OF THE CANON
whoa shit did someone just write an english paper in here
i mean anyway
what is important right now
is that we get the basics covered
because i can’t very well tell you a story about king arthur
if he isn’t even a fucking KING yet can I

Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
like what the fuck are these?
tiny hands?
GET SOME REGULAR SIZED HANDS ASSHOLE
OH YOU WANT FOOD NOW?
WHERE DID ALL THIS POOP COME FROM?
OH NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HERE COMES MILKY WHITE VOMIT
BABIES ARE BASICALLY GOD’S LITTLE BOOBY TRAPS
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
so he just appears in this dude Hector’s garden
and is like hey dude i found this baby
it’s going to need fifteen years of fatherhood
you have some fatherhood lying around right?
and Hector is like shit man let me ask my wife
and Merlin is like FUCK THIS I’M BORED
and he disappears with the baby
but PLOT TWIST
he actually just teleported it onto Hector’s wife’s tits
WHICH ARE ONLY ABOUT MAYBE TWENTY FEET AWAY
HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE NEXT ROOM
AND HANDED THE BABY TO HER
MERLIN: PERHAPS TELEPORTING TOO MUCH?
anyway Hector’s wife is pretty much fine with this
for no rational reason whatsoever
except i guess women like babies?
wait that’s not a rational reason i forgot
anyway from that day on Arthur is hector’s son I guess

or should I say SECOND son
because Hector already has a son
named Kay
which pisses me off
because it reminds me of that fucking diamond jingle
and diamonds piss me off
they are so fucking smug and expensive
and you can’t even teach them a lesson by crushing them
because GUESS WHAT THEY’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE
anyway Arthur and Kay grow up together
and Hector decides they are going to be knights
because dammit he’s a knight
and his daddy was a knight
and if you look back at his family tree
it’s KNIGHTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
so they get trained in basically every way you can murder
and Arthur is INVARIABLY BETTER at EVERYTHING
which naturally pisses Kay off
but Kay was a little bitch to begin with so it’s okay

Meanwhile Merlin is living about two miles down the street
willfully ignoring the existence of this child he stole
until fifteen years have passed
and Uther has died of Siphyllus
at which point the archbishop of canterbury calls merlin up
like yo merlin we’re kind of fucked right now
we don’t have a king anymore
and all the bastard children he fathered are basically retards
his wife isn’t even hot anymore
she got really unbelievably fat somewhere along the line
oh and also the Saxons are invading
can you hook a brother up with a king right quick
and Merlin is like I HAVE A PLAN
IT IS A PLAN I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE
IT INVOLVES TELEPORTING
so he teleports to Canterbury cathedral
and WHAM WHIZZOW KADABAZANG
makes this stone appear
with an anvil on it
and a sword in the anvil
and the archbishop is like oh well that’s cool i guess
but what’s the fucking point
and merlin is like ONLY THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE CAN TAKE OUT THE SWORD
and the archbishop is like oh sweet
well
I guess let me know when he shows up

SO WORD GETS AROUND
and pretty soon every dude who owns a chainmail cocksock is there
trying to pull out this sword
INCLUDING Arthur and Kay and Hector
although really they don’t try to pull it out immediately
because there’s prolly a huge line
and it’s really hot out
and anyway it’s a goddamn carnival of failure over there
so what’s the fucking point
in any case Kay is actually a little famous at this point
i guess because his training has overcome his natural pussitude
but he’s still kind of a tool
anyway days pass
and NO ONE can pull this damn sword out
so they get bored
and decide to beat the shit out of each other
IN A GENTLEMANLY FASHION
so they have a tournament

now arthur is too young to be in the tournament
i guess it’s fine to fuck 11 year old girls in this world
but a 15 year old star athlete cannot attempt to murder grown men
kind of a double standard
but anyway Kay enters in the tournament
and he actually does an okay job for a total pussnexus
but then he kind of gets too big for his codpiece
and decides to go up against some asshole like THREE TIMES HIS SIZE
and that dude just straight up SNAPS HIS SWORD IN HALF
although luckily it is not possible to emasculate Kay
since he WASN’T A TRUE MAN TO BEGIN WITH
here’s why:

so kay goes crying back to the sidelines
and he’s like ARTHUR ARTHUR
GET ME A NEW SWORD
and Arthur is like I’M ON IT
so he runs back to his dad’s tent
but no one is there
and they are OUT OF SWORDS
GUYS
IF YOU’RE A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS
YOU DON’T WANNA BE CAUGHT WITHOUT ANY SWORDS
SWORDS ARE LIKE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
SOMETIMES THEY ACTUALLY ARE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT WORKS

so arthur is like fuck
where am I going to get a sword
oh I know
there’s that sword in front of the cathedral
I don’t really know anything about it
because one of my superpowers is never paying attention
but I bet that would be a super sweet sword to give to my bro

so he goes
and he gets it
and he brings it to Kay
it isn’t a big deal
he just sort of lightly removes the legendary sword
from its indestructible pedestal
nothing to write home about
but when he brings it to kay
like hey bro i heard you liked swords
Kay is like WHOA WHAT WHERE HEY WHO WHAT UM
let me just go ahead and steal this sword real quick?
and arthur is like what do you mean steal i got it for you
and Kay is like DON’T SASS ME I’M KING NOW

so kay quits the tournament
and calls his dad back to their swordless tent
and is like hey dad
um so
I have this sword you might be interested in
check it out
and Hector is like I JUST SHAT MYSELF
and Kay is like so I’m king now right
and Hector is like BULLSHIT
YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY
YOU DIDN’T PULL THIS SWORD OUT OF THE STONE AT ALL
and kay is like yeah i did i totally did
and Hector is like OH YEAH WELL PUT IT BACK IN THEN
and kay is like what
who puts a sword back in something
that they have already taken it out of
doesn’t that defeat the purpose of taking the sword out of the thing
and Hector is like CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF STABBING REPEATEDLY
and Kay is like fuck fine
how hard can it be

WELL IT TURNS OUT IT IS HARDER THAN A PEDOPHILE AT A WATER PARK
Kay is just hunched over that stone
repeatedly failjabbing it with his wusshands
until arthur is like hold on wait a second
let me try
and he just proceeds to swordfuck that stone
long and deep
again and again
until everyone is more or less satisfied
with the idea of being ruled over by a tween
(although actually not everyone is satisfied
but we will talk about that later)
so at this point Kay is like fuck my cover is blown
oh well i guess there is nothing left to do
but beg my brother for a cushy position in his new government
and Arthur is like yeah bro i’ll totally hook you up
but hm
i guess this means you’re not actually my brother huh
pretty sure my dad is that crazy rapefiend who just died of the syph
he was kind of a shitty dad though actually so that’s ok
let’s never speak of it again
and then he goes on to be king and have adventures

so the moral of the story
is that ultimately the only trait
that will get you anywhere in life
is the ability to pull things out of other things
and then put them back in again

the end.

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In the end, it EXODUSn’t even matter

hey guys
if you are here as a result of Ryan North’s excellent internet comedy contraption
welcome
also you should scroll down past all these videos and read some text myths
like this one or this one or this one
because some of those are pretty awesome
and they are mainly what this site is made out of
and anyway this video is part 3 of an ongoing series
so you might be a little out of the loop if you just watch this one
BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY

I think i might start wearing this hat every day.

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