The Aztec Moon is Part of the 1 Percent

Patreon chose the mythos for today
the secret last day of February
so if you’ve got beef, go yell at patreon
or, you know, donate to my Patreon.
Either way you have to read this now:

The Aztec gods are very bad at holding onto suns

Let’s run down their list of mistakes

The first sun they make gets carried off in a flood
which is just like
you should not be keeping your sun that close to water
oh and then all the people turn into fish
which, if there is a LIVE SUN IN THE WATER
is probably the exact wrong thing to do.

The second sun is eaten by jaguars
which is even less acceptable
because what the fuck tiny-ass sun fits in a jaguar’s mouth
maybe people turned into the jaguards?
I don’t know
seems like you’ve got to spend an awful lot of time watching proto-humans
just to make sure they don’t turn into other animals

Third sun, demolished by firey rain
THE SUN
IS MADE
OUT OF FIRE
WHERE ARE THEY BUYING THESE GARBAGE SUNS?
All the people are set on fire too
but at least that’s an expected result of firey rain.

Fourth sun, blown away in a windstorm
which i think raises a larger question
about the quality of the worlds these gods are building
like, why are there all these cataclysmic sun-destroying disasters?

None of these questions are really answered by the myth
all we know is that the gods don’t like not having a sun
so they decide to make a new one.
Apparently the way to make a sun
is to set a god on fire permanently
which seems EXPENSIVE
and that’s probably why
after pissing away four suns this way
they finally decide to economize a bit
by sacrificing the poorest god, Nanauatl
they’re like “Here Nanauatl, come jump in this fire
you’re poor, no one will miss you.”

But there’s this other god Tecciztecatl
who is one of the richest
and also apparently stupidest
because he sees Nanauatl on his way to get immolated
and he’s like “THAT SEEMS COOL, I WANT TO DO IT INSTEAD”
so the gods are like “Okay, fine
you’re rich so we can’t tell you no”
but then he realizes he’s volunteering to jump into A FIRE
so he’s like “Mmmmmmaybe I’d rather not”
and Nanauatl is like “Haha asshole
I’m about to get rid of ALL MY DEBT”
and then he jumps into the fire and turns into the SUN

so Tecciztecatl sees this and he’s like “Aw fuck
I assumed
VERY REASONABLY, I THOUGHT
that jumping into this fire would just kill me
rather than turning me INTO A DEEP SPACE FUSION REACTOR
NOW I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.”
And before anyone can be like “No we don’t need two suns”
he jumps into the fire and becomes SUN 2:
TURBO EDITION.

Seriously, though, nobody asked for a second sun
this is way more sun than even the sun-rich Aztecs can use
they’re like “this is a disgrace, we must do something
oh I know
let’s throw a rabbit at that second sun
throwing rabbits at problems is a great way to solve problems
and get rid of rabbits”
so they do that
and it somehow has the effect of dimming Tecciztecatl down
until he can only be seen at night
and while this is certainly not the most fucked up story
explaining the origin of the sun and moon
it is definitely one of the more entertaining ones.

Oh and just so you know
the Aztecs believed that constant sacrifices were necessary
to make sure this fifth sun stayed in the sky
which is why it’s a good thing
we have so many wars.

The end.

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The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

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Happy Massacre Day

What up dweebs
I hope your yesterday was good
and contained exactly the right amount of genital contact
based on your personal preferences
and also I hope you touched a butt
BUT ENOUGH SMALL TALK
it has come to my attention
that many of you don’t even know what yesterday was ABOUT
and NOT just because you all have drinking problems
so let me tell you what Valentine’s day is all about my friends
it is all about murder

Right so we’re in Ancient Rome
I know it doesn’t look like it
I know it looks like your computer
but stop fucking questioning every step of this process
i am trying to tell you a story and you are being very rude
anyway there’s this emperor named Claudius
and he’s got an army
but the army is like 85% weenies by volume
and he is trying to get them hyped to go die for him
so he’s like “hmm
what do some of the angriest shittiest dudes I know have in common?
A complete disregard for others …
possible glandular problems …
Segways, but I can’t afford to buy enough of those
OH I KNOW
THEY’RE ALL SINGLE
Okay from now on soldiers aren’t allowed to get married.
WAR:
SOLVED.”

It seems like this rule would make dudes just quit the army
thus ending war forever
but it is doubtful that Claudius had a noble endgame here
also military service was pretty mandatory
so instead of a bunch of blissed-out ex-soldiers getting their dicks touched
you have a bunch of pissed off soldiers glumly touching their own dicks
AND THAT’S WHERE SAINT VALENTINE COMES IN

Okay yeah I know what that sounds like
and no, Saint Val didn’t touch anybody’s dick
they used to disqualify you from sainthood for shit like that
I don’t know why
I for one would love a couple openly gay saints up in the pantheon
No, Valentine sees all these soldiers and their blued-up balls
and he’s like “THIS IS TOTALLY UNCOOL
YOUNG MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED WHENEVER THEY WANT
ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE THEY GO OFF TO WAR
TO GET KILLED AND LEAVE THEIR TEENAGED BRIDES IN A WORLD OF PAIN
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE”
and it turns out it’s really easy to marry people to each other
so Valentine just does that a lot
becoming the Ancient Roman equivalent
of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator
for lots of horny teens.

Obviously Claudius finds out about this
because even though the marriages are secret
what the fuck is the point of a secret marriage
so Claudius arrests Saint Valentine and is like “dude
could you stop marrying my soldiers to people all over the place?
also while you’re at it could you stop being Christian?
thaaaaanks”
and Valentine is like “What no”
and Claudius is like “Oh shit okay I guess go die then”

So Valentine’s in jail now
and he’s bored so he starts talking to his jailer
and it turns out the jailer has a daughter who is blind
and Saint Valentine is like “Oh dude that sucks
I’m gonna die soon and I have all these godbuxx saved up
so how about I just use those to cure your daughter’s blindness?”
and the jailer is like “Whoa, thanks dude!
I do not deserve this literally at all!
Anyway it’s morning now and we have to behead you
thanks for everything!”

But the V-man does one last thing before he dies:
he sends that daughter a nice card with some flowers
and he signs it “From Your Valentine”
which is a weirdly romantic thing for a saint to do
but I guess he figured he was about to die
so he might as well put it out there.

Yeah then he died
and everybody more or less forgot about him
until his holy day turned out to be a convenient excuse
to fuck each other’s brains out once a year
or shoot a bunch of rival bootleggers
depending on your profession.

Anyway the moral of the story is pretty obvious:
get a job guarding political prisoners
apparently the fringe benefits are amazing.

The end.

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MORMON DUSK

Hello sailors

today is here the final installment of the big whale story
look in it with your eye

I DID IT
I FUCKING DID IT
THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE
OR AT LEAST THAT IT SHOULDN’T BE DONE
BUT GUESS WHAT, DOG-BOTHERERS?
IT HAPPENED.

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I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

Yes yes I know
You are all itching for the next installment of Moby Dong
but right now I gotta take a quick break
and tell you a tale
from a mythos hand-selected by my patreon backers.
Don’t like it?
FUCKING SIGN UP FOR MY PATREON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Anyway yeah it’s Lovecraft time

I WASN’T ALWAYS A WEALTHY INTERNET CONTENT CREATOR, FRIENDS
many years ago I was a surveyor
I lived in Boston and I went around and surveyed shit
and this one time I had to go to this little village
near a town called Arkham
to plot out where to put a new reservoir
my job was very boring
this is one of the reasons I quit.

Another of the reasons I quit is that fuck Arkham
seriously, holy shit, never go to this place
bad shit happens there ALL THE TIME
like, example
this little village I had to go to
right over the hill from Arkham proper
was totally abandoned and spooky as fuck
it was abandoned, according to locals
because it was FUCKING CURSED
different people had tried to live there for a while
but it was too god damn spooky so they all left

Now, I figured this was bullshit
curses are bullshit
what am I,
a character in a short story written by a demented racist?
HAH
but it turns out this isn’t some ancient rumor about this place
turns out it got cursed in like
THE 80s
and in the center of this spooky god damn ghost town
is this huge chunk of gray-ass land with nothing on it
just dusty bullshit for like six acres
and a gross well
it’s super easy to survey, which is nice.

So obviously I have to check out these rumors
I don’t want my bosses building a reservoir on like
an ancient indian burial ground or something
nobody wants to drink ghosts
not even diluted ghosts
no ghosts are the kind of ghost I would want to drink
so I hit up basically the only dude crazy enough to still live here
this old dude named Ammi
like I said, he was the only dude still there
so I couldn’t pick someone with a less dumb name to talk to

Ammi’s like 80
so he was around for all the shit that happened 36 years ago
and according to him
it all started with
A METEOR
that landed on this dude Nahum Gardner’s farm
but this meteor didn’t wipe out all the dinosaurs
OR contain a baby superman
it just glowed faintly and shrank and was hot
so Nahum and his fam did what you normally do with shit like this:
they called some scientists
and the scientists did what they normally do in stories like this:
they were fucking useless
they bit off a chunk of this gooey rock
they bathed it in acid
they looked at it under a spectroscope
which showed them a color THEY HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE
and so were TOTALLY UNABLE TO DESCRIBE
like, did it not have a wavelength frequency?
How were these scientists content with “oh
we found a new color
nobody knows what it is”
WHERE IS THE FUCKING MATH ON THIS COLOR IS WHAT I’M SAYING

anyway
their sample shrinks and burns up their glassware and vanishes
so they have to go back to the farm to get more
and when they pry off a bigger chunk
they find this glass-type globe embedded in there
THE SAME INDESCRIBABLE COLOR AS THAT SPECTROGRAPH FROM BEFORE
so they do science to it
by which I mean some dude hits it with a hammer and it shatters
and they take no readings or analyze it in ANY WAY
and then they leave with their new rock chunk
and that night lightning strikes the meteor SIX TIMES
and then in the morning it’s gone
and the scientists continue to learn nothing
the end

OH WAIT NOT THE END
it looks like that meteor did something to the soil
because now Nahum Gardner’s trees are all fruiting
and the fruit is HUGE
which would be awesome if it didn’t all taste EVIL
INDESCRIBABLY EVIL

Oh and then it’s winter and his cabbages come in
and THEY’RE EVIL TOO
they’re HUGE and they are this INDESCRIBABLE color
(are you noticing a theme here?
I’m not sure this color is all that alien
I think everybody in this village is just terrible with words)

also all the little woodland creatures start mutating
their features and movements are all wrong
in a way no one can exactly put their finger on
and in the summer the farm swarms with insects
but these aren’t NORMAL insects
NO
they’re … different
… somehow

Some shit is pretty easy to describe though
like the fact that all the plants now GLOW IN THE DARK
or that the trees move even when there is NO WIND
(WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT TREES)
And then the plants start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and then the animals start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and the whole time Ammi keeps visiting
and being like “Yo maybe you should move
or maybe like at least stop drinking from your well
you know
your well that is clearly evil?”
But then instead of moving away
Nahum’s wife goes crazy
so he locks her in the attic
and then one of his sons goes crazy
so he locks him in the attic too
then the well sets another one of his sons on fire
so he’s down to one son
but then I guess the well eats that one too
but it’s cool because Nahum thinks he’s still alive
because Nahum crazy too now

this is around when Ammi shows up
like “hey I brought some groceries and some OH FUCK”
and Nahum is like “Sup Ammi come chill with me by the fire”
and Ammi is like “Dude there is no fire your house is haunted
your house may actually just be a ghost at this point.
Gonna go upstairs because you probably forgot to feed your wife”
(oh yeah the first crazy son is also dead now)
so Ammi goes up to the wife’s room
and he opens the door and a vapor that is CLEARLY A GHOST comes out
but he’s too busy freaking out about the wife
who has decayed into grey dust
but is STILL MOVING.
Now, Ammi didn’t tell me this straight out
but I’m PRETTY SURE he beat Nahum’s wife to death
it was the right thing to do.

So by now Ammi’s freaking out obviously
he heads downstairs and Nahum is suddenly decayed as fuck too
and he’s like “AMMI IT WAS THE METEOR
THE METEOR POISONED THE WATER AND KILLED MY KIDS”
and Ammi is like “Yes, obviously
I have been telling you not to drink the water or live here
you are an idiot made of grey dust goodbye”
then he goes and gets the police
who insist on draining the evil well
and there’s dead bodies in there because what did you expect
or at least dead skeletons
and then all of a sudden the whole house starts glowing
and light starts shooting out of the well
IN A COLOR WHICH, EVEN NOW, NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST COME UP WITH A WORD FOR IT
OH WELL
anyway everybody runs away
and the trees all start raving pretty hard
and then the color goes to space
so this whole time
it was just a weird color that wanted to go to space
and murdered an entire family in the process
but some of it probably stayed in the well
which is why nothing grows in that big plot of land now
it’s all just grey dust
and a well
and the greyness might be growing like an inch a year too
who knows?

I sure as fuck don’t know
I don’t want to know anything more about this nightmare farm
as soon as Ammi was finished with his story
I went right back to Boston and quit my job
because fuck me if I’m working for a company
that wants to build a reservoir on top of SPACE GHOSTS.

The moral of the story I think
is that the middle of an unprecedented alien crisis
is the WORST time to abandon the scientific method.

The end.

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The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

Happy new year chumps
I’m back
and I will celebrate my backness in the customary manner:
with Shakespeare
also I can’t believe I haven’t told you this one yet
it’s about the world’s most roundabout coup.

Okay so there’s this Tempest
just like in the title
it’s pretty on the nose, even for Shakespeare
and in this tempest there is a ship
and the ship is ON FIRE
NEAT

This ship is full of two kinds of people:
boat people
and ROYALTY
the royalty are running all over the ship
and the boat guys are like “get down below you assholes
you’re going to make us oh whoops there we go we crashed thanks a lot”

MEANWHILE, ON A SUSPICIOUSLY NEARBY ISLAND
this wizard named Prospero is lecturing his daughter Miranda about the past
they are the only two humans on this island so he does this a lot
and his daughter is SO fucking bored of it
that he keeps having to stop to ask her if she’s paying attention
and she keeps being like “uh huh yeah of course”
but as soon as he’s done she falls IMMEDIATELY ASLEEP.
Anyway, what he says is this:
Prospero used to be Duke of Milan
but he was a GARBAGE DUKE
he spent all of his time reading dumb books about magic
and delegated all of his duke responsibilities to his brother Antonio
and NOW HE IS MAD BECAUSE ANTONIO TOOK AWAY HIS DUKEDOM
to be fair he is also mad b/c Antonio exiled him to this island
or actually he just put him on a boat with no food
in the hopes that he would die
and the only reason he survived
was because some chill bro named Gonzalo gave him and Miranda water
and then they just happened to land
on this INCREDIBLY MAGICAL ISLAND

So Miranda falls asleep
after listening to this boring story about her dad’s incompetence
and Prospero is like “FINALLY
YO ARIEL
GET YOUR EPHEMERAL ASS IN HERE”
and Ariel
who is essentially a ghosty twink with superpowers
is like “Okay yeah what do you want”
and Prospero is like “Did you set that boat on fire like I asked?”
and Ariel is like “Oh yeah i fucked that boat UP”
and Prospero is like “Good because all my enemies were on that boat
Antonio, my shitty brother
Alonso, the asshole duke of Milan
Sebastian, the crab
uh I mean Sebastian, the asshole duke’s even shittier brother
plus Alonso’s sexy son Ferdinand
my best bro Gonzalo
and a whole bunch of innocent sailors and some clowns but who gives a shit.”
and Ariel is like “Yeah dude I know
I just got finished dumping their still-alive bodies all over the island
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO
now can I stop being your magical slave already?”
and Prospero is like “Bitch what did you just ask me?
Do I need to remind you what I’ve done for you?
Ariel:
a witch
trapped you
inside a FUCKING TREE
and she was gonna release you in a couple years
but then she DIED
so if I hadn’t come along and freed you with my magic
you’d prolly be stuck handing out apples to some ungrateful kid like some fucking Shel Silverstein book
So get out there and start making everybody trip balls
or I will stuff you so far up a tree’s ass you’re going to surprise the shit out of some squirrels.”

Speaking of that witch
this is right when her son shows up
the son is named Caliban
and he is exactly as gross as you expect a witch’s kid to be
Prospero pretty much just beats him with his staff
and Caliban makes the very legitimate point that this is not okay
but Prospero is just like “It is TOO okay
because YOU
tried to sex my DAUGHTER”
and Caliban is like “Okay but she is literally the only female on this island
and maybe I crossed a line
but like I also showed you all the natural resources on this island
and now I am literally your slave
there is no moral justification for slavery, dude.”
But he goes off to get firewood anyway because he doesn’t want to die.

Is Prospero done yelling at people now?
NOT QUITE
because now it’s time for Prince Ferdinand to wake up
(on a beach, by himself, miraculously unharmed)
and immediately fall balls over boners for Miranda
who falls boobs over buttocks right back
because this is the first man she has seen
who was not either cursed or her dad.
So these two are tumbling towards each other, jibblies first
when Prospero steps between them like “WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KIDS EVEN KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER
SLOW IT DOWN, SOGGYTROUSERS”
Man, where was Prospero during the entirety of Romeo and Juliet?
Probably exiled tbh.
Luckily, Prospero has a plan:
Ferdinand will PROVE his intentions toward Miranda
by carrying bundles of firewood.
Prospero apparently needs a lot of firewood for something.

Meanwhile most of the rest of the dudes from the ship wake up together
them being Antonio, Alonso, Sebastian and Gonzalo
(and a bunch of less important people who don’t talk)
but then Alonso and Gonzalo IMMEDIATELY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
because of Ariel
just long enough for Antonio and Sebastian to plot to kill Alonso
so that Sebastian can be Duke of Naples
but then Ariel WAKES EVERYONE UP BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT
so this interlude is just to show how shitty Antonio is.
Then they go off looking for Ferdinand
even though everybody’s pretty sure he’s dead.

Meanwhile Caliban is passed out in the woods
grabbing a much-needed respite from his slavery
WHEN TWO ROGUE CLOWNS APPEAR.
One of them is named Trinculo and he is a jackass
and the other one is named Stefano and he is a jackass WITH BOOZE
so naturally Caliban pledges fealty to Stefano
and the three of them drink the ship’s entire wine supply
and they get so shithouse plastered
that they all think it’s a fantastic ideawhen Caliban is like “Hey
let’s go kill my master
an ACTUAL WIZARD
and become kings of the island ourselves.”
Unfortunately for them, Ariel is busy being invisible nearby
and he hears their whole cunning plan.
Now you would think Ariel would be sympathetic to Caliban
since Ariel is also enslaved to Prospero
but Ariel is an immortal creature made entirely out of magic
time is meaningless to Ariel
and doing a miracle is like taking a shit for him
Prospero doesn’t even have the brainpower to concieve of something that would mildly inconvenience Ariel
He’s pretty much just doing this shit because he thinks it’s funny.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE
it turns out forbidding two young people to bone
makes them REALLY WANT TO BONE
as Ferdinand and Miranda can AMPLY ATTEST
and guess what guys
this was Prospero’s WHOLE PLAN ALL ALONG
Finally somebody is using teenage buttlust for good
or at least for his own Machiavellian purposes
because after THREE HOURS
(YES, EXACTLY THREE HOURS)
Prospero FINALLY gives in and agrees to marry them
he’s like “Okay I guess my daughter can become the heiress to Naples
BUT FIRST
LET ME DO SOME MAGIC TRICKS TO SOLEMNIZE YOUR MARRIAGE”
and Ferdinand is like “No it’s cool we really just want to fuck”
and Prospero is like “DON’T BE MODEST I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO MAGIC TRICKS”
and Miranda is like “No it’s cool I can just grab his weiner right now”
and Prospero is like “I KNOW WHAT YOUNG COUPLES REALLY WANT:
MAGIC TRICKS”
so then he summons ghostly images of Venus and Iris and Hera
to do a play about how marriage is great
and the two kids are like “yayyyyyyy great can we bone now?”
and Prospero is like “Yes.
OH SHIT
I FORGOT CALIBAN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME”

It’s not a big deal though
everybody Prospero doesn’t like is just getting buttfucked through the marshes right now
because they fell for some rookie-dm-level traps
like a fat banquet in the middle of nowhere
or a clothesline covered in rich garments
also in the middle of nowhere
and it gets so bad
what with the brambles and the mud and the wolves
that Ariel is finally like “Yo Prospero
I know you hate these dudes
but this is really starting to bum me out
and I don’t even have a SOUL”
and Prospero is like “Yeah okay fine, let them out.”

So Gonzalo and Antonio and Sebastian and Alonso show up at Prospero’s crib
and Prospero is like “SURPRISE BITCHES
THIS IS MY REVENGE”
and they’re like “Uh, who are you?”
and he’s like “Oh sorry let me put on my old hat”
and they’re like “OH SNAP IT’S PROSPERO
WE’RE SO SORRY WE EXILED YOU”
and Prospero is like “Yeah fuck all you guys
except Gonzalo, you’re cool
but actually I got to be wizard-king of an incredibly magic island
which is really a lot better
considering i didn’t give a shit about being a duke anyway
but for some reason I still REALLY WANT TO BE DUKE OF MILAN”
and Antonio is like “Fine asshole have your dukedom back.”
and Alonso is like “Yeah I don’t care, I just lost my son”
and Prospero is like “Yeah I feel you dog I just lost my daughter
by which I mean my daughter just got MARRIED
TO YOUR SON
HAHAHAHAHA PRANKED I MARRIED OFF YOUR SON WHILE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING
NOW MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL RULE BOTH MILAN AND NAPLES
THIS IS TRULY
THE ULTIMATE PRANK”
and he pulls aside a curtain and there’s Ferdinand and Miranda
playing … chess
yeah, sure.
Also Trinculo and Stefano and Caliban show up at one point
shit themselves with drunken fright
and go back to being slaves to their various masters
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway Alonso is so relieved
he doesn’t even care that Prospero is dicking him out of his legacy
and then Prospero breaks his magic staff
and throws his magic book in the ocean
LIKE AN IDIOT
and he lays off Ariel
who conspicuously fails to steal his soul or anything
and then Prospero turns to the audience and he’s like “Hey guys
if you don’t clap your asses off for the show you just saw
I will be trapped in this play forever
please help.”

So the moral of the story, dear audience
is if you don’t share this post with everyone you know
I will be trapped in this internet
FOREVER

the end.

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Merry Holidays or whatever

Hey guys,

Christmas hit me with an unprecedented violence this year, and I didn’t have time to set up the buffer I would have liked. I’m taking the rest of the year off, and I’ll be back with more 100% original swears and 100% not original mythology in January. In the meantime, if you really desperately need a distraction from your horrible family, you could always read my books, or check out these other Christmas posts I’ve done over the years:

Rudolph

The Twelve Days of Christmas

A Christmas Carol

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Frosty the Snowman

I hope your season is filled with joy or at least chinese food and beer.

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Matty Groves Must Give Good Head

So here’s a cool thing I learned
from my friend who was born in West Virginia:
long ago in england
before condoms or twitter
people entertained themselves by singing dumb songs
and then later some of these people moved to North America
but they kept singing their dumb songs
because I guess nobody told them about twitter or condoms
or anything else, apparently
because, see
the forms of these songs have remained ALMOST UNCHANGED
from way way way back in the day
like, compare this
to this
to this:

So there’s this dude Matty Groves
and he’s got a lot to prove
because first of all he is a very small fellow
(perhaps a child?
the ballad is not clear
but it is called a Child ballad so it’s possible)
plus
his name MATTY GROVES
that’s only one step above Dick Bush on the shitty names ladder

So Matty Groves is at a holiday party
it is the medieval equivalent of an office christmas party
which means that all the lords and ladies are in attendance
and people are getting drunk
and making decisions they will perhaps regret.
Matty Groves is one of these people.
So Matty is chilling in the great hall or whatever
and these three chicks walk in:
one is dressed in green
one is dressed in red
and Maddy Groves is like “red and green?
that’s a bit too matchy-matchy for me.”
but the third one is dressed in white
and Maddy Groves is like “D-D-D-DONUTS”
and he turns to the dude next to him and he’s like “yo
You see that chick dressed in white?
I know she got a man
specifically a man named Lord Daniel
(or lord Arlen
or lord Barnetts or Barnard or Barnaby
depending on the version you’re looking at
which just suggests to me
that this dame got AROUND)
but do you know how many fucks I give?
none many
I’m gonna play the lap-sax with her ALL NIGHT.”

In other versions of the story
it’s the Lord’s wife that approaches Matty Groves
like “hey little boy let’s fuck”
so this interaction is either sleezy or pedophiley
take your pick.
Either way, the problem
(other than the sleaze and pedophilia)
is that some dude who works for Lord Daniel
just HAPPENS to be standing nearby
and he overhears this shit
and he’s like “Oh fuck
if Maddy Groves bangs Lord Daniel’s wife
and he finds out I didn’t do shit
I’m gonna be out of a job
and Lord Daniel gives DENTAL
that is SO RARE in medieval England
it’s practically an anachronism!”

But this pageboy doesn’t have a horse
he doesn’t even have a bike
he has to RUN
He has to run like TEN MILES
and then he gets to a river
and the BRIDGE is broken
so he has to swim across
and run like another ten miles
and finally he shows up at Lord Daniel’s house
because I guess Lord Daniel hates christmas
and also maybe his wife.
Maybe this whole infidelity thing is starting to make sense.

Anyway the page starts banging on the door
and Lord Daniel opens it up in his smoking jacket like “WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
IT’S LIKE 3AM”
and the page is like “Dude, Matty Groves is about to fuck your wife
actually at this point he probably has fucked your wife
it took me a while to get here
and from what I’ve heard about Matty Groves
and your wife tbh
they are probably L-O-V-I-N-G IT”
So lord Daniel picks him up by the collar
and he’s like “Ok kid
if you’re lying to me I will straight up kill you
but if you’re telling me the truth
I don’t know, I’ll buy you a pizza or something.”
So Lord Daniel puts on his shades
jumps on his motorcycle
and takes off.

MEANWHILE, IN LORD DANIEL’S BEDROOM
(because oh yeah
I guess the christmas party was at Lord Daniel’s house
which makes it even weirder that he wasn’t there)
Matty Groves wakes up and he’s like “shit
what was that noise
that sounded like a motorcycle revving
and Lord Daniel is the only dude I know
who owns a motorcycle in Medieval England
I gotta get out of here”
but Lord Daniel’s wife is like “shhhh
don’t worry about that sound
it’s just … feudalism or something
go back to bed”
so clearly she wants Maddy Groves to fucking die

because what happens next is they both wake up
and Lord Daniel is standing at the foot of the bed
with TWO SWORDS
like “SURPRISE, BITCHES
Now get up, Matty Groves
put some damn pants on
I’m not gonna kill you with your dick out
people would talk”
So Matty starts putting on his clothes
and he’s like “Ok man look
because of our ridiculous code of chivalry
you definitely can’t kill me right now
I have zero swords
you have two swords
that’s like
200% more swords than I have
not cool.”
And Lord Daniel is like “Ok first of all
200% of zero is still zero
and fuck me if I’m getting talked down by someone who doesn’t understand math
but second of all yes
these swords are dope
I brought them from the future, I’m a time traveler
but I ain’t greedy
I give my employees dental, for fuck’s sake
one of these swords IS FOR YOU”

So Matty Groves, having run out of excuses, takes a sword
and Lord Daniel even lets him strike first
but Matty is a lover, not a fighter
so Lord Daniel gets to strike back
and he kills the poor little bastard in one blow
and then
with the dead body still bleeding all over the floor
Lord Daniel goes over and sits his wife on his lap and he’s like “ok look
if I was you and you was me
what would you do about all this”
and Lord Daniel’s wife looks deep into her own soul
and asks herself that eternal question:
Was the D worth it?
and the answer
is YES
so she says, “Boy
you’re pretty and everything
you got a nice chin
but not only do I like Matty Groves better than you
I like him better than your WHOLE family
so when you murder me
because I know that’s what’s going down
bury me somewhere nice
like, away from your gross parents
and put Matty right next to me
like within dicking distance
and when you die?
boy i know what you’re into
you can be buried by my feet.”

So yeah then Lord Daniel kills his wife
and probably has a hell of a time finding another one

so the moral of the story
is that open relationships solve a lot of problems.

The end.

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