The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

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THE MATRIX

Right so there’s this dude named Tom
his last name is Anderson
and his screen name is Neo
which is crazy
because how was that not already taken
it’s only 3 letters
and it doesn’t have any numbers after it or anything
that’s probably the single least believable part of this story

Tom is a conspiracy theorist
he is convinced that something is wrong with the world
and he is running a constant google search
through a grainy green-on-black version of the internet
trying to find some dude named Morpheus
and also what “The Matrix” is
like duh it’s the movie you’re in, asshole
read a book.

Tom falls asleep at his computer one night
like he does every night of his sad life
but this time he gets an IM from some snarky anon
all “wake up Neo
the Matrix has you
follow the white rabbit
[a thing that has NEVER gone well for ANYONE]
someone is going to knock on your door right now”
and then someone KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR
if I were him
i would have asked the dude at the door if he was trolling
but Tom instead notices that the dude’s girlfriend
has a tattoo of a white rabbit on her shoulder
which he takes as a good enough excuse
to get fucked up on a week night

at the club he meets this chick named Trinity
who spent the first ten minutes of the movie
ruining an entire swat team
and then swan diving into a skyscraper
but will from now on do almost nothing badass on screen
because the boy is here.
She tells Tom she knows who morpheus is
and that he’s looking for him and whatever
she does this really seductively for no reason
and then Tom wakes up hung over
and he goes to work and gets chewed out by his boss
and then he gets a cell phone in the mail
and the cell phone is like “HEY THERE I’M MORPHEUS
YOU NEED TO LEAVE WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE POLICE WANT YOU”
so like
why did they not just meet up last night
why did they wait until the next day
when he was stuck at work and chased by evil cops
some people are so inconsiderate.

Obviously Tom fails to escape
because he was set up for failure by his shitty new friends
and he gets taken captive by these freaky government agents
who act real smug and put a centipede inside him
but luckily it was all a dream
except it wasn’t because then Morpheus calls him again
like “Hey I’m glad the agents let you go for no reason
let’s meet up now.”
so Neo gets in a classic car under an old bridge
and trinity is there to attach a penis pump to his stomach
and then they go to another abandoned building to meet Morpheus
(btw every building in the world is fucking abandoned i guess)

So Morpheus (who wears sunglasses at night
just like everyone else who understands the true nature of reality)
Morpheus sits Neo down and he’s like “Listen:
reality is a lie
everything is the Matrix.
You know what’s not a lie though?
These cool drugs.
The blue one will knock you the fuck out
the red one will OPEN YOU FUCKING MIND”
so Neo takes the red pill because he is not a wuss
and then he wakes up
and realizes that everything he has ever experienced has been a lie
and that reality is ACTUALLY a sunless hellworld
where human beings are used as living batteries by the matriarchy

It turns out that reality is total bullshit
everybody is pale and lives in the sewer and eats gruel
and the only fun part is that sometimes you can jack back into matrix
and almost get killed
by a bunch of guys who look like the Blues Brothers’ dad
and are actually just really aggressive sysadmins
I guess there is one other fun part
which is that everyone has hovercrafts
and the one Neo is on belongs to Morpheus.
Morpheus is convinced that Neo is “The One”
that is, the dude foretold by prophecy
who will be able to bend the Matrix to his will
(because oh yeah, the Matrix is just a computer simulation
designed to pacify all the human batteries
by allowing them to perpetually experience the height of human civilization:
1999)
Morpheus has been around for many years
and has freed many people from the Matrix
but none of them are The One
because they’re all mostly women or minorities.

So they install a bunch of apps on Neo
like “Kung Fu” and “Cyber Goth Fashion Sense”
and then he takes him to see The Oracle
which, if mythology has taught us NOTHING ELSE
we should know is a BAD FUCKING IDEA.
The oracle is pretty nice though
she gives Neo cookies
tells him he’s gonna have to choose between his life and Morpheus’s
and asks a bunch of leading questions
that cause him to conclude that he’s not the one
and she’s like “Sorry kid
Maybe in your next life or something.”
and then he goes outside
and Morpheus is like “you don’t have to tell me a thing, buddy
we both know what she told you, right?
WINK”
and Neo is like “Ugh so awkward.”

Meanwhile, exactly one member of Morpheus’s crew is not an idiot
and his name is Cypher.
He has concluded
totally correctly
that living in a sewer eating semen out of a rusty tin
is NOT awesome
slap as much cyberpunk shit on it as you want
you are still slurping jizz soup inside a highly advanced toilet
so he makes a deal with the sysadmins:
they will put him back into the matrix
if he lets them nab Morpheus inside the Matrix.
So that’s what he does
he leads the agents to Morpheus
he manages to get out of the matrix while everyone else is still inside
he zaps the two dudes manning the consoles with a lightning gun
and then he starts unplugging all the expendable characters one by one
but I guess he didn’t use enough lightning
because one of the guys he zapped gets up and zaps him
RIGHT AS HE’S ABOUT TO UPLUG NEO
IT’S FAAAAAAAAAAATE
ALSO MOST OF HIS FRIENDS ARE DEEEEEEEEAD.

Neo goes understandably crazy when he gets out
partially because of what the oracle said
and he’s like “fuck it, I’m going back in to rescue Morpheus”
and Trinity is like “That’s suicide
I’m going with you to also die”
so they go to get Morpheus
who the agents are holding in a tall office building with many windows
and not a windowless prison compound
even though
based on the street names
this story takes place in Chicago
and Chicago has an actual prison right in the middle of downtown.
This strategic oversight is what allows Trinity and Neo
to walk in through the front door
shoot everyone with their countless automatic weapons
pointlessly blow up the lobby while they ride the elevator cable to the roof
hijack a helicopter
shoot up the room that Morpheus and the agents are in
(remembering, luckily, to turn friendly fire off)
and then whisk him away to a train station
where a phone booth will take them out of the Matrix

Morpheus and Trinity get out
but RIGHT AS NEO IS ABOUT TO GET OUT
one of the agents posesses a hobo and shoots the phone
so Neo has to fight him and it’s cool
but when throwing the agent under a moving train fails to kill him
Neo realizes it’s better to just run

Meanwhile in real life
the evil robots of the matriarchy have found Morpheus’s hoverboat
they are cutting it apart with lasers
and they can’t use the EMP on them because that would kill Neo
but luckily, around this time
one of the Agents shoots Neo in the face in the matrix and he dies
so now they can use the EMP
except everyone is too sad
and Trinity starts making out with his corpse
because see the Oracle told her she would fall in love with a man
and that man would be THE ONE
SO HE CAN’T DIE
and I guess Trinity’s hot smooches remind Neo
that the matrix is a bullshit computer simulation
and why the fuck would it matter if he got shot in a computer simulation
so he respawns
eats everybody’s bullets
jumps into an agent’s chest and explodes him
and the whole time all the agents are like “HAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXX”

but there is no time to be cool, robots are attacking
Neo jacks out of the matrix and they kill all the robots
everything is fine
and the Oracle is technically correct
because it did take Neo dying before he became The One.
Anyway then he spends the rest of his life
flying around the Matrix in a black leather trenchcoat
yelling “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” into random payphones
and no one makes any sequels ever and it’s great.

so the moral of the story
is if you feel like you can’t live up to the expectations of everyone around you
because you don’t have and have never had the necessary knowledge or skills
or the drive to practice those skills
or really anything that prepared you for the responsibility in any way
kill yourself
and come immediately back to life as a superhero

the end.

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Watergate is Absolutely Nothing Like Gamergate

My Patreon backers have spoken
and apparently I’m supposed to retell a conspiracy theory today
but I already covered Roswell and the moon landing in my book
the JFK assassination is pretty boring
(once you get past the assassination part)
and I promised the Illuminati I wouldn’t blow their cover
so instead I’m going to tell you about a conspiracy theory
that describes an ACTUAL REAL LIFE CONSPIRACY:
Watergate.

If there is a more mythological conspiracy than Watergate
then I haven’t heard of it
which probably makes it a pretty good conspiracy but whatever.
Name me one other political scandal that is SO SCANDALOUS
that we’ve turned it into a nonsensical suffix
and slapped that suffix onto every event that seems even remotely shitty.
We’ve got shit like nipplegate, porngate, wienergate
donutgate, fajitagate, sodagate
bloodgate, robogate, grannygate
for fuck’s sake, we’ve had a GATEGATE

WE’VE REACHED PEAK GATE
FRIENDS, THE WORD ‘GATE’ DOES NOT MEAN ‘SCANDAL’ IN ENGLISH
Watergate was the name of a HOTEL in DC
and it is with that hotel that our story begins.

See, back in 1972, Richard Nixon is trying to be president again
because it went so well for the first four years
but he doesn’t want to leave his election up to chance
or, you know, democracy
so a couple of his aides hire five criminals
to break into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee
(which is, you guessed it, in the Watergate Hotel)
and plant some microphones in there
the theory apparently being
that every politician has to say horrible shit sometimes
and it’s best to get it on tape when they do.

So these criminals plant the bug and get away
but then they have to go back to repair it pretty much immediately
because I guess it was made out of hot glue and garbage
and they get caught trying to do this
because the way these top secret presidentially-funded burglars are getting in
is by DUCT-TAPING THE DOORS OPEN.
We’re talking about dudes who have covertly received THOUSANDS of dollars
from Nixon’s re-election campaign
and the most fearsome weapon in their criminal arsenal
is fucking DUCT TAPE
SHITTILY APPLIED?

So Nixon hears that these bozos got arrested
and he’s like “What the fuck
who told those assholes they should do that?”
so either he told them to do it and then forgot
or he’s shitty at controlling his own people
so, mega boner either way.
He realizes pretty quick that this will look bad if it gets out
so he tells two of his top aides, Haldeman and Ehrlichman
and also his head lawyer, Dean
to do whatever they need to do to make this go away
which basically amounts to
“fuck up a whole bunch.”

Like, they try to have the CIA make the FBI stop investigating
but that doesn’t really work
and they do succeed in burning a safe full of evidence
but that doesn’t stop the FBI from following the money
and figuring out that every single one of those burglars
was paid in some way by Nixon’s re-election committee
which Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean are all involved with
plus the media just goes totally nuts
largely due to a bunch of leaks by someone calling himself Deep-Throat
(Come on, he cannot be ignorant of what that name mean)
and the investigation ends up convicting 69 people
(only 68 were actually guilty, the last one was for the lols)
So Nixon figures he has to initiate a DOUBLE-CONSPIRACY
by firing Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean
before anyone can connect him to them
and hopefully blame all this shit on those guys
so he calls Dean into his office and he’s like “Hey buddy
gonna have to ask you to resign
sure is a shame about all those CRIMES you COMMITTED, huh?
and how you committed them TOTALLY ON YOUR OWN?”
and Dean is like “Mister President
why are you putting undue emphasis on some of your words like that?
are you … recording me?”
and Nixon is like “What? No! I’m no scumbag!
But just for old time’s sake, how about admitting to a bunch of crimes.
I mean, I know about them, but it’s nice to reminisce, right?”

So Dean goes to the committee that’s investigating this whole Watergate thing
and he’s like “Um, I think the president has tape recorders in his office?”
and everybody’s like “Oh shit
I bet there’s CRIMES on those tapes.
Nixon, have you been bugging your office?”
and Nixon is like “…yea”

OK HOLD ON
This whole fucking fiasco is happening
because Nixon wanted to put BUGS IN POLITICIAN’S OFFICES
because he was sure that they would say some HORRIBLE SHIT
and you’re telling me
that this whole time
Nitwit von Boogerheim was bugging his OWN FUCKING OFFICE?
Dude

Nixon’s brilliant plan is to just be like “No you can’t hear the tapes
I’m the president. it me.”
But they still make him release transcripts
which don’t reveal any crimes
but do reveal that he’s generally a shitty dude
who thinks the American people are a bunch of chumps
so that doesn’t do him any favors
and then the Supreme Court is like “Yeah dude
you kind of have to show those tapes”
and Nixon’s like “WOOARRRRGH
FINE
HERE’S YOUR STUPID TAPES.
HAVE FUN IMPEACHING ME, JERKS.”

and they do
they impeach him so hard they do it THREE TIMES
and Nixon is finally like “Okay okay
you got me
I still don’t think I did anything wrong
BIG WINK
but I love America so much that I don’t want it to see me like this
so I’m resigning gracefully
after a long and bitter war of lies and corruption
peace out, chumps.”
Then Gerald Ford becomes president
and immediately pardons Nixon for every crime ever
because I guess you tend to feel pretty sympathetic
for the dude who just made you president.

The moral of this story
is one we can all stand to learn:
if you’re wretched enough to hatch criminal conspiracies while president
you should at least be smart enough not to preserve RECORDED EVIDENCE of it

The end.

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Green Eggs and Ham is About the Nature of Consent

So this guy is hanging out in his house
and then all of a sudden this tiny dude busts in
and he’s like YO MY NAME IS SAM
DID YOU HEAR ME
I SAID
MY NAME IS SAM
SAM, THAT’S ME
LEMME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU:
S as in SAM
A as in SAM WITHOUT THE S
M as in MY NAME IS SAM
and the other dude is like “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”
and Sam is like “Eat this green food I brought with me.”
and the guy is like “What?
no
ham is not supposed to be green
eggs are not supposed to be green
those things are clearly riddled with disease
I do not like to put diseases in my mouth
thank you Sam you may now leave.”

But Sam is not going to give up
because Sam is a relentless garbage-chef
instead he settles in for the long haul
in a house that is not his
and starts asking questions
he’s like “What if I put them in a house?”
and the dude is like “No we are already in a house”
and Sam is like “Okay what if I threw in a live rodent”
and the dude is like “Wow you somehow made moldy breakfast less appetizing
A+ job please go away”
but Sam is like “How about if I put them … inside a box?”
and the dude is like “You can put them wherever you want
as long as I don’t have to eat them”
and Sam is like “Okay okay
what if I paired them with a vicious forest dog
like a wolf or maybe a fox?”
and the dude is like “Please leave my home.”

So Sam sees that he’s not getting anywhere
and he leaves
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
Next day, this poor dude is crossing the street
when Sam shows up in a misshapen convertible
and tries to RUN HIM OVER
and then he’s like “WOULD YOU EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM IN A CAR?”
and the dude is like “YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO MURDER ME”
and Sam is like “WHAT ABOUT IN A TREE?”
and the dude is like “DON’T HIT A TREE YOU’LL KILL US BOTH
PLEASE STOP HARASSING ME
I DO NOT WANT YOUR SHITTY FOOD
I DON’T CARE HOW MANY SHITTY PRIZES YOU OFFER ME”

Then Sam goes eerily silent
he stops his car
and is deep in thought
the dude thinks maybe the nightmare is over
but he is not so lucky
an idiot grin slowly spreads across Sam’s face
he opens his hairy lips and screams:
“A TRAIN!
A TRAIN A TRAIN A TRAIN!!!!!”
and the dude is like “Are you even listening to me
who are you
why is it so important to you that I eat your trash food”
but Sam can’t hear him
Sam is lost in his own horrifying world.
The guy goes home that night and discovers that his power has been cut
Sam is waiting for him in the darkness
like, “How about now?
It’s dark
you can’t even tell what color the ham is.”
the guy screams and runs
but Sam follows him on tiny, gnarled feet
offering a goat, or a ride on his yacht
if he will only nibble on these festering morning treats.
He chases the poor man all through town
until finally the man can take no more
he turns to Sam and yells “FINE
YOU WIN
I’LL EAT YOUR DAMN COMPOST
ANY AMOUNT OF MEDICAL BILLS IS BETTER THAN THIS”
he kneels before Sam
who triumphantly skewers a rubbery green egg on a fork
and places it on the man’s outstretched tongue.
It tastes like burnt plastic dipped in bad milk
and yet he smiles
he realizes that he loves his tormentor
Sam only wants the best for him, after all
he will happily eat whatever this tiny shitty man offers him
he will dine with vermin, livestock and wild dogs
he will eat hot garbage on boats and in cars, in houses and in boxes
he will live in the dark
slurping up whatever congealed slime Sam sees fit to offer him.
it will truly be
a paradise.

The moral of the story
is that the way to a man’s heart
is through relentless psychological torture
i mean his stomach

the end

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Where Was This Little Dutch Boy During Katrina?

A dutch person emailed me today
and it reminded me of this story
which is a dutch story
in the same way that “pocahontas” is a native american story
but it’s the first thing I think of when I hear “dutch”
other than “good weed”
and I am already so high I’m nearing government controlled air space
so THE LITTLE DUTCH BOY IT IS

okay so there’s this kid
he lives in a misspelled version of Harlem called Haarlem
and his parents are so neglectful
they send him off alone with a bunch of baked goods
which he is supposed to give to some random blind dude across town
he is like a blond male Little Red Riding Hood
except instead of grandma it’s a TOTAL FUCKING STRANGER
but anyway this kid makes it out of the blindhaus
totally molestation free
and starts wandering back towards his house
wasting time like little kids do
picking flowers and making airplane noises and pooping himself
when all of a sudden
he hears water
TRICKLING

now in order for you to understand how terrifying this noise is
I have to tell you something about Holland:
Holland is not a place where people are supposed to live
it is a place where fish are supposed to live
but a long time ago some people were like “hey
fuck fish”
and they forcibly removed all the water from a bunch of land
and then built there houses there
below sea level.
this is widely known as
“a bad idea”
because all that water is pretty pissed about being exiled
so it’s just hanging out on the outside of these huge dykes
(which is a really offensive term for walls that keep water out)
just WAITING for a hole to open up
so it can pour roll in and piss on everybody’s beds.
So when Little Blond Walking Hood hears water trickling
it’s like when you’re on a nearly abandoned spaceship by yourself
and you hear a faint dripping noise
and you immediately know that it is either your friend’s blood
or alien saliva

So this kid looks over at the dyke
and he sees a little trickle of water coming out of it
and since he doesn’t just carry caulk around with him
(and also dykes don’t really like caulk)
he does the only sensible thing for a young boy to do:
he shoves his finger in that hole.
This is a great plan
this kid is a fucking hero
except there is literally NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE
and it is rapidly getting dark
so this little numbnuts is stuck outside
in the dark
in the cold
with a city-destroying amount of water
gently lapping at his fingertip.
This is a form of torture
the CIA uses this on all their dutch prisoners to this day.
the boy’s mind is utterly destroyed
his muscles seize up
he begins to hallucinate from sleep deprivation
ironically, he becomes dehydrated

by the morning, there is nothing left of the boy’s once bright personality
he stands shackled to the uncaring dyke by his one numb finger
convulsing with cold, thirst and exhaustion
he longs for nothing more than the sweet release of death
at which point a priest walks by
ON TOP of the dyke
because apparently that’s also an option
and he sees the kid and he’s like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
and the kid is like “k-k-k-kill me
or send people to fix this dyke i guess.”

So then they fix the dyke
the child is never the same again
the accolades of the town fall on deaf ears
his development is arrested
and he goes through his life a mere shell of a human
but at least his town is saved, right?

This boy’s eternal suffering
brings us to the moral of this story
which is that sometimes
to quote the Geto Boys
“you gotta let a hole be a hole.”

Thank you.

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SANTA CLAUS IS EN ROUTE

WE INTERRUPT THIS WEBSITE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN:
Saint Nicholas
AKA Santa Claus
AKA Sinterklaas
AKA Kris Kringle
AKA Beardo McTreasurepants
Has been sighted on the way to your location.

Where is your location?
DOESN’T MATTER
He’s on his way EVERYWHERE
ALL AT ONCE
So he can SNEAK INTO YOUR HOME
and leave his stuff in there.

Our advice?
Remain calm.
Do not cry, or even pout
his sleigh is equipped with grief-seeking reindeer
in fact, try to avoid experiencing emotions of any kind
this is the safest way to avoid an incident.

Why is he here?
No one knows
what we do know is that he has created a list
which he has pored over EXTENSIVELY.
It is a list of every single living human
and he uses it to pass the sorts of judgements
normally reserved for the old testament god:
that is, whether you have been NAUGHTY
or NICE.

But this jolly red home invader does not need to concoct arbitrary tests of loyalty
or specify a list of commandments
in order to assess your virtue
no, no, no
Santa Claus knows EVERYTHING.
He watches you sleep
he’s there when you wake up
he KNOWS every bad thing you have ever done
so for fuck’s sake
DON’T DO BAD THINGS.

Why?
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU NEED A REASON NOT TO DO BAD THINGS?
Okay, well consider this:
we are talking about a man
one man
who is constantly experiencing every moment
of every life
of every man woman and child on the planet
with special attention paid to their most wretched acts.
You know how police officers and criminal lawyers eventually lose faith in humanity
just because of all the shit they’ve seen?
The shit they’ve seen is like Bob Ross painting a happy little sheep
compared to the atrocities Saint Nick has witnessed
just to decide whether Kim Jong Un is getting any presents this year.
And that’s not the worst of it
Santa is specifically in charge of judging the souls of CHILDREN
CHILDREN
DO NOT
HAVE SOULS
if there was a button for children to press
that gave them a piece of candy
but killed a thousand people
there would be no more people.
I never thought I’d say this
but children
are worse
than birds.

What does all this mean?
It means that centuries of watching a montage of unforgiveable acts
has driven this omniscient fat burglar COMPLETELY INSANE
AND NOW HE IS COMING TO YOUR HOME
ALL OF YOUR HOMES
SWEET CHRIST I HOPE YOU LOCKED YOUR CHIMNEY

SO, I REPEAT:
DO NOT CRY
DO NOT EVEN POUT
I’M TELLING YOU WHY:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
TO TOWN

AND YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD
YOU’LL LEAD HIM RIGHT TO US.

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The Godfather Part 1 Makes Me Want Pasta

So it’s this chick’s wedding
it’s not SUPER important who she is
she doesn’t really do much in the story
other than get beat up and yell a little
no, what’s important
is her DAD
her dad is Vito Corleone
aka
THE GODFATHER
he’s a big crime guy
he’s important.

so Vito’s daughter is getting married
to some shitty guy nobody cares about.
what everybody does care about though
is that there is some dumb rule
that says that whenever one of Vito’s daughters gets married
he has to do a solid for anybody who wants one
it’s an inconvenient tradition
i have no idea why he would agree to this
also he looks like he has marbles in his mouth

so some dudes ask vito for favors
which mainly involve beating up rapists
and decapitating horses in order to freak out hollywood execs
you know
real robin hood shit
and then he sits down to talk to some heroin dealers

so the heroin dealers are like “Yo Vito
we would love to sell all this heroin
would you like to invest in our heroin business?”
and Vito is like “Nah, heroin is not really my style
I mainly sell olive oil
and like
whores”
and the heroin dealers are like “Ok dude
your loss.”

So the next day Vito is shopping for produce
when the heroin guys show up
like “THIS IS WHAT WE MEANT WHEN WE SAID YOUR LOSS”
and then they shoot bullets at him
and he’s like “God damn guys I was just trying to get some oranges
what the fuck”
(fun fact: Whenever someone picks up an orange in these movies
shit is about to get real.
other fun fact: al pacino does not know the right way to eat oranges.)

So now Vito is in the hospital
which means he can’t run his crime syndicate
which means his shitty son Santino is now in charge.
This is terrible
because whereas Vito built his crime empire on ruthless calculation
and a strong reputation
Santino “Sonny” Corleone’s strategy
is just to shoot BASICALLY EVERY PERSON IN NEW YORK CITY
more or less at random.
Meanwhile his brother Michael
who is a war hero and also not a complete idiot
is the one who has to keep Vito from getting killed in the hospital
by rival gangs/the crooked police.
He does this by standing in front of the hospital
with some random guy he found
and PRETENDING to have a gun.
This pisses off the chief of police
who punches him in the face for being sassy
and then Michael is like “aw hell no.”

So Michael goes to Sonny and he’s like “Hey bro
I know you’ve already killed 80% of the population of NYC
but you have conspicuously failed to kill anyone important
and now the chief of police
and the head of the gang that shot dad
both want to meet with me for some reason
so how about I jeapordize my totally clean criminal record
and my spotless military reputation
and shoot them both in a restaurant in front of a bunch of witnesses”
and Sonny
who you may remember is an idiot
is like “YEAHHHHHHHH.”

So Michael does this
because literally everything Michael ever does is a success
and then he flees to italy
(abandoning his girlfriend)
in italy he sees a chick
and immediately gets married to her
then she explodes
then he goes back to New York city and marries his girlfriend
I don’t know why any of this happens
other than maybe to show that Michael Corleone has a sociopathic dick.

Meanwhile, Sonny is still busily fucking shit up.
See, remember the chick who got married at the beginning?
she’s his sister
and the shitty dude she married is now beating her up.
So Sonny goes and beats HIM up
not so much because he disapproves of spousal abuse
(he has also been known to beat up his wife
after cheating on her
because he’s great)
but more because he really likes beating on people.
But then joke’s on Sonny
because that shitty dude turns around and sells him out
to the rival mob
who shoots him with SO MANY BULLETS
that Vito (who is now sort of recovered)
has to call in a favor with a funeral director
just to make his body not look like a blood pinata.

So now Sonny’s dead
and Vito has too many bullets in him to be mob president
which means Michael has to be the godfather now
I mean he has an older brother named Fredo
but Fredo is about as competent as a dish glove full of earthworms
so Michael Corleone it is.
Michael gets right down to business
having a kid with his brand new wife
buying up some hotels in Vegas
and trying to figure out why everyone in his family is getting shot
(spoilers: it’s because they’re in the FUCKING MAFIA)
Then Vito is like “Hey son
I figured it all out:
remember the dudes you shot before
because they tried to kill me?
Those weren’t even the real dudes in charge
it was some other dudes
and they’re way sneakier than those first dudes
so pro tip:
they’re gonna try and set up a meeting with you
and then instead of talking business
they are going to shoot you with guns
and they are going to use one of your own guys to give the invitation
so what you do
and this is brilliant
is instead of accepting the invitation
just kill whoever invites you
because they’re a traitor
and not enough people have died in this movie yet.”
and Michael is like “Solid advice, dad.
Got anymore?”
and Vito is like “NOPE, DYING OF A HEART ATTACK.”

So then at the funeral
one of Michael’s guys is like “Hey
wanna come to a shady meeting with this other mob boss?”
and Michael’s like “Yeah that sounds great
cough TRAITOR cough”
and the traitor is like “What did you say?”
and Michael is like “Nothing, go about your business.
Take no extra precautions or anything.”
Then he goes to see some kid baptized
and while he’s in there, holding a baby
five dudes die simultaneously
and they just happen to be the heads of the five mafia families
that were opposing Michael’s family
and then the traitor gets killed too
and also that shitty dude that got married at the beginning.
None of this has ANYTHING to do with Michael Corleone
I SWEAR.

But there’s a problem
which is that Michael’s sister
was STILL MARRIED to that shitty dude when he got killed
and she knows it’s Michael’s fault
so she goes to him like “BRO WTF.”
and Michael’s like “I DIDN’T DO IT, GOD.”
and she’s like “YEAH YOU DID.”
and he’s like “NUH UH.”
and she’s like “FINE WHATEVER.
GONNA BANG A LONG STRING OF DUDEWHORES AND SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY.”
and Michael’s like “GOOD THING I HAVE LIKE INFINITE MONEY.”
and then Michael’s wife is like “Hey man
seriously though
did you have her husband killed?
Because that would really bum me out.”
and Michael is like “Nope.
Who kills people?
Not me, that’s for sure.”
and his wife is like “Oh wow phew I feel so much better.”
and then Michael Corleone is the most powerful mafia boss of all time!

So the moral of the story
is that you cannot solve all your problems with murder
but lying plus murder together is a pretty baller combo.

The end.

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Frosty The Snowman’s Bitch Was My Nickname In Junior High

So some kids are bored
normally this would not be a big deal
but these kids are apparently friends with satan
so they’re like hey satan
we’re bored and it’s winter
give us something cool to play with
and satan is like okay guys
here’s a hat

at first they figure satan is just fucking with them like usual
so they build a snowman
and they put the hat on the snowman
just to get rid of it basically
and the snowman COMES TO LIFE

they suspect that there must be some magic in that old silk hat
and they are right
specifically it is a type of magic known as necromancy
the hat probably belonged to jack the ripper
and probably jack the ripper’s ghost is now inside the snowman
so the snowman is like FUCK YEAH KIDS LET’S RIDE
and he starts thumpity-thumping across the tundra with un-snowman-like agility
and the children are terrified
but they are also not bored
so what the hell
they follow him

now it is a pretty hot day out
and “Frosty” knows that he doesn’t have long to live
so he barrels into town with a psychopathic charcoal grin on his face
and just keeps going
a police officer attempts to stop him
but bullets just pass right through
as does frosty
he passes right through town and keeps going
because now the po po is after him and he is not going back to jail
so he’s like hey kids
uh
i’ll … i’ll be back
some day
trust me
then he leaves and no one ever sees him again
at least no one who’s still alive

so the moral of the story
is that snowmen are really shitty friends

the end.

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Let Me Ruin a Christmas Thing for You:

So there are these animals in a hostile environment
they have wickedly hooked chitonous growths sprouting from their heads
and their feet are edged with a thin rim of razor sharp bone
these animals are called reindeer
and they have basically cornered the market for living in terrible places
I mean polar bears live in terrible places too
but what if a polar bear and a reindeer are living in the same place huh?
obviously the place you are living is significantly more terrible if there is a bear in it
and you are not the bear
REINDEERS WIN THIS DUBIOUS PRIZE

so anyway these animals are just chilling out in winterhell
digging craters into the tundra with their weaponized hooves
so they can slurp the lichen from between sheets of uncaring ice
(terrible places)
when they notice that something is amiss in the herd
because
you see
one of the reindeer
IS DIFFERENT

now what you have to understand
is that reindeer can see much further into the spectrum than humans
The world basically looks like a perpetual blacklight party to them
or maybe a crime scene
bodily fluids all conspicuously spattered over everything
especially places where you like to eat food
reindeer see ultraviolet light is what I’m trying to say
and it appears that one of these reindeer
has a SUSPICIOUS APPENDAGE
this dude’s nose is emitting ultraviolet radiation at a goddamn alarming rate
to the other reindeer this makes the nose appear very, very shiny
one might even say
it glows

This reindeer (let’s call him Rudolph, for convenience) is shunned by his comrades
this is because they do not want fucking skin cancer
and here’s this mutant reindeer with a tiny chernobyl going off inside his face
and he’s wondering about why he doesn’t have any friends
(oh yeah
in this story reindeers have the ability to wonder
there is no research to support this
but this is what is known as narrative convenience)

luckily for Rudolph
a local entrepreneur is looking to take his freight-delivery business global
he is not a very good entrepreneur
seeing as he has set up business at the north pole
and also he carries his packages jumbled together in a huge burlap sack
tenuously secured to an open-topped sled
basically he is hoping that the novelty of his operation will outweigh any disadvantages

anyway what this guy
(let’s call him Santa)
is looking for right now
is a cheap and renewable source of energy to propel his stupid sleds
and he has heard about this reindeer with the carcinogenic nose
so, on the assumption that anything that causes cancer must do something cool
Santa goes and hits rudolph up
he’s like hey man
i hear you are some kind of mutant
can you like
run really fast
or fly or something?
and Rudolph is like hey yeah
I can totally fly
that’s not really that special though
all reindeer can fly apparently
and Santa is like holy shit how did I not know about this
I’m going to be fucking rich

But santa feels like he’s sort of commited to rudolph
so he hires him anyway
and when the other reindeer find out that rudolph has a job and money and shit
they all start trying to be his friends
and he is so starved for affection that he ends up getting them all jobs towing the sled
and they use his freakishly glowing nose as a form of radar or something
and at some point santa starts giving out all his shit for free
which is pretty irresponsible because who knows where that shit came from in the first place
there are a lot of holes in this story to be honest
what’s important to remember
is that everyone died of skin cancer

the end

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The Lady or The Tiger???

So there’s this king
he’s … kind of a barbarian?
at least that’s what the original teller of this tale assures us
I remain unconvinced
his armor does not seem to have any human skulls on it
or even skulls of any kind
over the course of this narrative, not a single raw mutton leg touches his lips
OR his teeth
NOR does he swallow an entire raw leg of mutton whole
at no point does he demonstrate the ability to rage once per day
plus once more per day for every four additional levels
in short
the only barbaric quality possessed by this monarch
is a tendency to do whatever the fuck he wants at all times
which
if you’re only gonna pick one barbarian trait
is a pretty good one
i guess

oh, you need an example of the kind of shit this king gets up to?
well okay
let’s talk about the legal system
this king has heard some vague rumors about the roman empire
and how they have these things called “gladiatorial arenas”
which they use to punish their criminals/amuse themselves
because I guess a fundamental conceit of all these old stories
is that nobody can afford the internet
so king hears about these arenas
and COMPLETELY misses the point
but being as he is a barbarian
missing the point does not stop him from building his own arena

Here’s how this guy’s arena works:
a criminal gets thrown into the arena by himself
there are two doors in the arena
behind one of the doors is a FEARSOME TIGER
totally a thing you might expect to find in arena
behind the other door is A REALLY REALLY HOT BABE
if the dude picks the hot babe, he immediately gets married to the hot babe
like vegas fast
and if he picks the tiger
he gets married to the tiger
in a much more entertaining and permanent way
(it’s worth noting that only dudes seem to commit crimes in this kingdom
although this may be due to the fact that women are so helpless that they can be used as prizes in weird judicial game shows)

This is the entire legal system
it goes on for a long time, and no one can find any problems with it
either because it’s technically fair
(the dude gets to choose his own fate, kind of)
or because anybody who criticizes the system gets put in the arena
either way, matters come to a head suddenly
when a hot and semi-eligible bachelor in the court of the king
is discovered banging the king’s hot and EXTREMELY eligible daughter

Now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking “oh this is going to be fucking adorable
the king is going to put the dude in the arena
and behind one door is gonna be a tiger
but behind the other door is gonna be his daughter”
my friends
does the word “barbarian” mean NOTHING to you?
I mean yes, it is a pretty meaningless word in this story
but at the very least it means that the king is not about to pull punches
instead what he pulls is the kingdom’s FIERCEST TIGER
and also the kingdom’s FIERCEST BABE
(OTHER than his daughter)
and puts them behind the doors in the arena
and is like alright, showtime

but here’s the tilt
the princess has used her considerable influence to discover which door is which
she knows!
she is the only one who knows!
and her lover
well
he knows she knows
that’s why he loves her
because she is the only female in the kingdom with any agency
so as he walks into the arena he looks up at her
like “oh fuck, which door do I pick?”
and the princess is presented with a quandary:
WHICH DOOR DOES SHE INDICATE?
Her options are not awesome:
option 1: my true love gets eaten by a tiger
option 2: my true love gets auto-married to a skank I hate
she only has a second to decide
so she pulls herself together
makes up her mind
and indicates the door on the right

but my friends
I am sure you are wondering
WHAT IS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER ONE??
well see the problem is
the guy who wrote this story IS TOO MUCH OF A WUSS TO TELL YOU
He’s like “bluh bluh bluh
moral quandaries are interesting
who am I to say what the lady decided
even though i’ve already decided the fates of every other lady in my narrative”
chill out dude
we all know what you’re really saying
you’re saying you’re too dumb to figure out the only logical solution
so lemme step in and save your ass:

the dude in the gladiator pit goes through this whole dilemma in his head
and immediately realizes that he has no idea what his honey’s motives are
whereas his own motives are exceedingly clear:
NO TIGERS
so he does the only sensible thing
which is to open both doors at once
and then escape while the lady is getting eaten by the tiger
PROBLEM
SOLVED.

The end.

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