Robin Hood Wears Guy of Gisborne Like a Suit

Today’s myth was recommended to me a LOOOONG time ago
the last time I did a myth about sherwood forest’s bastard-in-residence
so if you have recommended me something and I haven’t done it
probably i am not ignoring you
probably it is buried deep in the REQUESTS folder of my email
and i will get to it some day
(also it helps if you send me a link to a primary source along with your request
because i am a wee bit too busy to do exhaustive research
every time someone is like “hey do more Lithuanian myths”)

Okay so the story I am going to tell you today is this story.
Yeah take a nice long look at that link
does that make sense to you?
it shouldn’t
that’s not fucking english my friends
that is FUCKED english
and to make matters worse the editor keeps writing snarky shit in the footnotes
basically being like “this other historian added words to make this catastrophe more readable
but I took them all out because i enjoy causing pain.”
seriously why are people so concerned with keeping shit like this accurate?
like, let’s say you bought a really juicy steak in nineteen-fifty-five
that steak is not going to be nearly as delicious today as it was fifty-eight years ago
if you hang onto that exact same steak
no one is going to applaud you on your historical accuracy
you are going to need to buy a new steak my friends
you cannot just keep using the same steak forever
this is a thing you learn when you start to live on your own

anyway let me break this linguistic traffic-jam down for you:

so Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(oodalally oodalally golly what a day)
and Robin Hood is bitching about this dream he had
where he got his ass beat by some yeomen
which are more or less like medieval gangsters
(but only because basically everyone in medieval times was gangsters)
and Robin Hood is so pissed off about getting whupped in his dreams
that he is trying to get Little John to help him find the guys from his dream
so he can go whup their asses irl
and little john
being a sensible young giant forest gangster
is like “dude, that dream that you had?
THAT WAS A DREAM
YOU DREAMED IT
are we going to need to discuss what dreams are again Robin
because this shit is tiresome”
and robin is like fine let me put it another way
wanna wander around and beat the shit out of dudes?
and Little John is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

so pretty soon they see a dude leaning against a tree
this dude is also a yeoman
everyone is a yeoman
you can tell by all the weapons they are always carrying
and little John is like “oh shit a dude
here robin, wait here while i find out if he is a good dude or a bad dude”
and Robin Hood is like yo fuck that
i don’t wait in the forest while my homies check out weird dudes
man if I was not worried about damaging my bow
I would use it to smack the green off and then back onto you
and little john is like fine
if you’re gonna be like that
I’m gonna walk to Barnsdale
then he just straight leaves.

So I guess barnsdale isn’t that far off
Little John gets there
but when he gets there he sees two of his bros dead in the dirt
and the sherriff’s dudes are running through trying to kill even more bros
and little john is like I better shoot some dudes
to give the bros time to escape
but when he goes to shoot one of the dudes his bow fucking BREAKS IN HALF
(arrow still totally goes through a dude’s face though)
and then he gets arrested
and tied to a tree

so let’s leave Little John’s part of the story for a while
cause he’s tied to a tree and that’s boring
and Robin Hood is doing some EXCITING SHIT
specifically he is checking out this yeoman who is in his woods
he goes up to this guy like “hey guy who are you?”
and the guy is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
I mean uh … I am but a humble woodsman
looking for robin hood
so I can…
be best friends with Robin Hood!
and Robin Hood is like “That sounds lame
let’s shoot arrows at stuff instead”

so they set up some targets and start firing competitively
and Robin Hood is like “Oh sorry guy
you seem to have dropped something
I believe it is your ass
here let me just hand that back to you.”
except he says it with his archery and not his words
like a REAL MAN

so after a couple of hours of having his own ass presented to him in various ways
this mysterious yeoman is like DUDE
YOU ARE A PRETTY GREAT ARROW GUY
POSSIBLY EVEN BETTER THAN ROBIN HOOD
okay wait hold on dude
you are in a forest
actively LOOKING FOR ROBIN HOOD
when suddenly a dude appears
DRESSED ENTIRELY IN GREEN
this dude flatly REFUSES TO TELL YOU HIS NAME
and then BESTS YOU AT ARCHERY
what are you looking for
a fucking nametag or something?
jesus

anyway the guy asks Robin Hood to tell his name
and Robin is like You show me yours and I’ll show you mine
and the guy is like Very well
my name is
GUY OF GISBORNE
and Robin Hood is like okay that explains some things
I’m robin hood
and Guy is like GREAT!
COMMENCE THE STABBING!

so they stab pretty good for a while
until Robin finally stabs a little better
then he does the only sensible thing
which is to strip naked
dress Guy in his clothes
and then steal guy’s clothes and go find the sheriff
because apparently robin hood has been talking to the narrator of this ballad
and he knows all about Little John’s fuck-up

so Robin goes to the Sheriff and he’s like hey man
i totally killed Robin Hood like you told me to
you can tell I’m the same person you hired because I am wearing the same clothes
and the Sheriff is like YES WELL DONE
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
and Robin Hood is like oh don’t worry about it dude
all I want is the privelege of killing Little John too
and the Sheriff is like SWEET, FREE MURDERS
so Robin Hood goes over to little john
and all the sheriff’s men are crowding around
so he’s like uhh
I’m not just a murder guy, you know
I’m also a priest
this guy is going to confess to me before I murder him, so stand back
and everybody stands back because christianity has some weird rules
and then robin frees little john and little john shoots the sheriff in the heart.

Okay so the moral of the story
is that dreams really are bullshit
because seriously
what did that have to do with the rest of the story

the end.

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Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot

It is always a good day
when I realize I haven’t done a myth I’ve always really liked
and today is a good day.

So Robin Hood is bored.
B-O-R-E===D
and he decides that the cure for his boredom
is to go out wandering the wilderness by himself
and hopefully run into some dudes or disguised ladies to fight
but he’s not going out unprotected
FUCK no
he’s got his bow with him, first of all
and second of all he has his army of sixty-eight thieves on speed dial
in case shit gets too real

so properly prepped and looking for trouble, Robin Hood goes out wandering
and it’s all of three minutes before he runs up on some problems
because there’s this river, right
and there’s a log over the river
and Robin is in the middle of crossing it when he runs smack into this HUGE DUDE
and he’s like “Oh hey man, do you mind just backing off this log for a second so I can cross?”
and the huge dude is like AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO MIND
and Robin Hood is like WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO DO I
TIME TO SKIP STRAIGHT TO MURDER
I HOPE YOU LIKE ARROWS IN YOUR BODY

But John Little – that’s the huge dude’s name – calls bullshit on this
he’s like BULLSHIT
IF YOU SHOOT ME DOWN WITH SISSY GIRLY-BOY ARROWS
I AM GOING TO TAKE A FAT DYING DUMP ALL OVER YOUR SPARKLING REPUTATION
SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SHOOTS A DUDE WITH A LONGBOW FROM LIKE TWO FEET AWAY
and Robin Hood is like NOBODY CALLS ME A PUSSY
LET ME JUST GET A BIG STICK REAL QUICK SO I CAN POUND YOUR ASS WITH IT
and then he goes into a nearby thicket and finds him a gnarly oak-branch to fight with
then climbs back onto the log
so these two titans of tomfoolery can settle this like men:
by waving yard-long wooden dicks at each other
YES THAT IS RIGHT MY FRIENDS
ROBIN HOOD ACTUALLY BACKS OFF THE BRIDGE
IN ORDER TO PROCURE A WEAPON
TO USE
TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM HAVING TO BACK OFF THE BRIDGE
when you have to completely abandon your stated mission
in order to procure the massive weapons your mission requires
that’s a major red flag that you are entering bad decisions territory

but John Little doesn’t capitalize on this gaping window of opportunity
presumably because he is as excited about bludgeoning as Robin is
presumably because John Little is a seven-foot-tall human cage-match of muscles and fear
AND MUSCLES WIN EVERY TIME
so they start beating each other with sticks
and it’s not long before John straight fractures Robin Hood’s skull
sending him straight to concussion city, and also the river
at which point Robin gets up and starts laughing his ass off
because what John Little doesn’t know
is that there are sixty-eight pissed off dudes in the forest out there
just waiting to turn little John into a porcupine of murder
they’re all HEY ROBIN HOOD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO DIE?
and Robin Hood is like NO TIMES AT ALL, MY MERRY MEN
I AM ALL ABOUT DUDES WHO GIVE ME CONCUSSIONS
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES

so everybody goes back to Robin’s place and parties so hard they forget their childhoods
and they get so drunk they forget what order John Little’s name goes in
and from that day forward everyone calls him Little John
and he is an unstoppable force of injustice in Nottinghamshire

so the moral of the story
is you should pick your friends based on who can beat you up the most
because at least then those guys are your friends

THE END.

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Robin Hood: Not as Nice as You Thought

So Robin Hood
I talked about him before

although mainly I was talking about Maid Marian and how she stomped his ass
but now it is time for you to learn
about how Robin Hood became an outlaw:

So okay
in this version of the story, Robin Hood has a pretty high opinion of himself
or at least his ability to shoot arrows at things
so when he finds out that there’s a big arrow-shooting competition in Nottingham
he’s like SIGN ME UP
except no one can hear him because he’s just yelling at no one
and they haven’t invented bluetooth headsets yet so that doesn’t work.

Anyway, he’s on his way to Nottinghamshire
(shire is a british suffix
that can be applied to basically anything that you want an extra syllable at the end of
see also: -ford, -ington)
and all of a sudden there are these fifteen foresters.
these foresters see Robin Hood and they’re like “HEY KID
WHERE YA GOIN?”
and Robin Hood is like “I’m going to the arrow-shooting competition in Nottinghamshireington”
and these foresters, they are about to bust a collective gut
because as far as they are concerned, there is NO WAY this scrawny asshole can shoot arrows
so Robin Hood is like “I BET YOU 20 BUCKS I CAN KILL A DEER FROM 100 YARDS AWAY”
and they’re like “YOU’RE ON”
so he does it
because what kind of story would this be if he just fucked up and had to pay them 20 bucks?
and then he’s like “Alright guys, pay up”
and they’re like “UH NOPE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE SHOOT YOU WITH OUR ARROWS.”
so Robin Hood is like “wait
lemme get this straight
yall are about to let me walk away with my bow and arrow
after just having stiffed me for 20 bucks
after having SEEN WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BOW AND ARROW?”
and the foresters are like “Uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
And Robin Hood is like “Oh nothing. Peace.”

So he takes his arrow and he goes up on top of a hill
and just proceeds to KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FORESTERS
there’s no warning shots
there’s no attempt to teach them a lesson or leave them with fleshwounds
he is seriously just exploding these dudes’ heads.
Finally there’s only one dude left
and he’s running away
and at this point,
in the words of the ballad,
“Robin Hood he bent his noble bow,
And hee fetcht him back again.”
So basically he’s like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
Then he walks up to the forester’s twitching body, and he’s like
“You said I was no archer,
But say so now again”
Translation:
“WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR DEAD FRIENDS.”
Then he shoots an arrow through that dude’s head and splits it in half.

So alright
so far Robin Hood is technically in the right
those dudes DID stiff him for 20 bucks, after all
but see now what happens
is that all the forester’s relatives who live in Nottingham hear the murder sounds
and they come into the woods to see what’s up
so Robin Hood kills EVERYONE
pretty much for no reason
and then obviously he has to become an outlaw, because what the fuck was he thinking?
I don’t even get why these people end up accepting money from him later
he killed like half their dudes!

Anyway, so the moral of the story
is don’t welch on bets
when you are betting against a psychopath.

The end.

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