Robin Hood Corrupts the Entire Government

going kinda crazy getting ready for Gen Con
so let’s keep this quick:

So Robin Hood has been being a criminal for a while at this point

and getting away with it
and the king of England
(who in this story is named Richard
and actually has a legit claim to the throne
which makes Robin Hood look less like a cool rebel
and more like just a straight up criminal BUT WHATEVER)
is like “damn
how is this guy continually shitting in the milk of all my tax collectors?
could it be that my tax collectors LIKE having their milk shat in?
is my selection process somehow skewed towards shitmilk enthusiasts?
or is Robin Hood just a really dope dude who would be great to party with?
Occam’s razor suggests that option b is the correct one
but how can I be sure?
OH!
I’ll disguise myself as the one thing Robin Hood hates more than me:
A PRIEST
and then I’ll go hit him up with a bunch of other fake priests
in the middle of his home turf
and then not get murdered and robbed by a band of career highwaymen!
and all of his advisors are like
“…eh”

so Robin Hood is chilling in his baller forest mansion
getting yet another sick neck tat
when one of his boys runs up and is like “HEY
THERE’S A BUNCH OF PRIESTS UP IN OUR WOODS”
and Robin Hood jumps up like “HO-LEE SHIT
LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THIS SWEET NECK TAT LATER
THIS IS LIKE MURDER CHRISTMAS”
then he throws on a pair of roller blades and skates off to meet them.

So the king and all his dudes are walking along
when suddenly Robin Hood hits a sick ramp and does a flip in front of them
and then he’s like “STOP
STOP BEING PRIESTS IN MY WOODS
AND START BEING DUDES GIVING ME MONEY”
and king Richard is like “No dude you misunderstand
we are here to see Robin Hood
we are messengers from King Richard!”
and Robin Hood
who is not nearly as bad at seeing through disguises as everybody else
is like “Uh … huh.
Boy, that sure changes things!
I sure do like the king!
Hey, I bet you guys dig parties, right?
Come party with me, it will be great.”

And that’s what they do
they party ALL NIGHT LONG
they drink so much wine
they eat so much food
Richard is seriously impressed
it’s almost like Robin Hood isn’t giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor
and is instead spending it on wild parties to bribe government officials
SHOCKER.

Anyway pretty soon Richard is like “Dude I am so hammered
I love you, Robin Hood
what do you say I get you a pardon from the king
will you come work for me I mean him in that case?”
and Robin Hood is like “I SURE WILL DUDE.”
and Richard is like “Great.
Hey
Hey:
I’m actually king Richard”
and Robin Hood is like “WHOA I HAD NO IDEA.
I WAS JUST THROWING YOU A HUGE PARTY BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT
NOT OUT OF SELF-INTEREST OR ANYTHING
anyway thanks for the pardon
let’s go rub it in the Sheriff’s face.”
Then they go into town and eat all the Sheriff’s food
and there’s nothing the Sheriff can do
and then Robin goes to the capitol to pursue what was obviously his true calling all along:
politics

the moral of the story is that lobbying is older than hygiene.

The end.

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Robin Hood Takes Care Of His Own, By Which I Mean Other Criminals

Right so Robin Hood is riding his skateboard through the forest
and he almost runs it straight into this old woman
she is not looking where she is going because she is too busy CRYING
so robin hood whips off his sunglasses and he’s like “WHOA
LADY
Why are you moistening my forest with your tears?
Did the AARP revoke your membership?
Did Walgreens run out of Werther’s originals?”
and she’s like “NO MY 3 SONS ARE GONNA GET HANGED YOU PRICK”
so Robin Hood is like “Whoa
damn lady
what did they do?
punch a couple babies?
fuck a pope?”
and she’s like “NO THEY JUST SHOT THE KING’S DEER THAT’S ALL”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh fuck
THAT’S ILLEGAL????”

Because, see, here’s the thing
Robin Hood shoots the king’s deer like ALL THE TIME
it’s basically all he eats
as far as he is concerned, sherwood forest is one huge grocery store
and all the grocery store sells is deer meat
just a huge shitty grocery store where the food runs from you
and apparently you can get arrested for chasing it.
Now Robin Hood has a keen legal mind
(you need one of those as a career criminal)
and he understands that if he lets these dudes get hanged
for doing a thing he does ALL THE TIME
it is going to set a really bad precedent
(also in some versions the three dudes work for him so there’s that)
so Robin Hood IMMEDIATELY jumps back on his skateboard
and shreds his way to Nottingham

On the way to Nottingham he runs into a Palmer
which is a fancy medieval name for a Pilgrim
which is a fancy medieval name for a dude who wanders from holy place to holy place
asking people for free food and a place to crash in the name of god
so basically it’s what you do if you want to be a professional homeless person
(you can still do this, actually
I did it for a while
it was pretty cool)
so Robin Hood is like “YO DUDE
SWITCH CLOTHES WITH ME
I’LL GIVE YOU 40 DOLLARS”
now this homeless dude is no idiot
he takes one look at Robin Hood’s sweet shades and his leather jacket
and he’s like “Dude, your clothes are fly as hell
and my clothes are fucking flightless
they are like the penguins of the clothing world
so either you’re trying to prank me
in which case fuck you
or you REALLY NEED MY SHITTY CLOTHES for some reason
in which case 40 bucks is a little low don’t you think?”
and Robin Hood is like “FINE
I’LL GIVE YOU 400 BUCKS.
GO GET HAMMERED.”
and the Palmer is like “Way ahead of you bro”

So Robin Hood shows up in Nottingham wearing these nasty clothes
and he runs up to the Sheriff of Nottingham
who has a bizarre medical condition which prevents him from recognizing faces
and Robin Hood is like “Yo sheriff
I heard you’re about to execute some dudes
how much will you pay me to execute them for you?”
Apparently this is a way you could make money in medieval tymes
just show up to executions and offer to press the button
no background check necessary
so the sheriff is like “Yeah dude totally
I’ll give you like 13 bucks, plus you can have their clothes and wallets”
so robin hood climbs up on the gallows where the dudes are
and then he’s like “13 dollars?
I don’t want your thirteen dollars
all I wanna do is blow my horn three times
and summon my huge army of criminals to release these dudes
I don’t know why my plan required getting into this shitty disguise
because I appear to command like ten thousand guys
but it just doesn’t really feel like a caper until I switch clothes with somebody
you know?
Anyway let’s drag the sheriff into the woods and hang him instead of these dudes.
That seems reasonable.”

So that’s what they do
and Robin Hood burns his clothes
leaving him with nothing but an emerald-studded thong and gold nipple rings.

The moral of the story
is that precedent is the cornerstone of the legal system
precedent and murder.

The end.

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Robin Hood is the Most Aggressive Wedding Planner

I might as well level with you
I’m running a Robin Hood themed Leverage game at Gen Con
so I’ve been reading a lot of Robin Hood to get in the spirit
and I might as well get Content out of that research, right?
so here, for your enjoyment
is yet another TRUE CRIME TALE FROM THE ENGLISH WOOD

Right so Robin Hood and his boys are chilling in the forest
like they do all the time
and they see this dude in fancy red clothes
running around
singing
getting his joy on
just generally being gay as hell
but then the NEXT day they see the same dude
and he is all goth’d out
moping his way through the tall grass
no longer even a little gay
and Robin Hood is like “whoa, look at that dude
who prayed his gay away, am I right?
Never fear, I know just what to do:
let’s go rob him.”

So Robin Hood and co jump out of the bushes like “Ha HA!
Got any money?”
and the dude
(whose name is Alan, btw)
is like “No I don’t have any money do I look like I have money?”
and Robin Hood is like “Bummer”
and Alan is like “You don’t even know what a bummer my life is.
I was gonna marry this chick, right
but now all of a sudden she has to marry this other dude
because he’s rich or super handsome or something
all I really know is that it’s unfair.”
and Robin Hood is like “it sounds very unfair, yes
I will get you your lady back for a hundred bucks.”
and Alan is like “dude I just told you I’m broke
but I guess I can be your servant forever or something.”
and Robin Hood is like “YES!
SLAVERY!
YET ANOTHER CRIME FOR ME TO HASTILY JUSTIFY!
Alright dude, you got yourself a deal
now go polish my arrows.”

So Robin Hood rolls into town where the wedding is happening
dressed all fancy and carrying a guitar
and he knocks on the door of the church and the bishop comes out
and Robin Hood is like “Yo I hear there’s a wedding here today.”
and the bishop is like “Yeah I’m gonna do a wedding, who are you?”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh i’m just the best guitarist in the land”
and the bishop is like “YOU’RE EDDIE VAN HALEN?
DUDE! COME IN RIGHT NOW, YOU GOTTA PLAY AT THIS WEDDING.”
and Robin Hood is like “Nuh uh uh
I don’t play at a wedding until I see and approve of the bride and groom
bring them out here right now.”
and the bishop is like “Anything you say mister Van Halen”
so he brings out the chick and the handsome knight she’s marrying
and Robin Hood takes a look at them and he’s like “Nope. Nope.
The chick is fine, but this dude? He is the wrong dude.
I brought a better dude, here he is”
and he pulls out Alan.

So obviously the bishop is upset
he’s like “Eddie Van Halen, you can’t just bring your own groom to a wedding
that’s not how weddings work”
and Robin Hood is like “I’M EDDIE FUCKING VAN HALEN
I WROTE HOT FOR TEACHER
I SMASHED A GUITAR
I CAN MARRY WHOEVER I WANT TO WHOEVER I WANT.
Also I’m actually Robin Hood and I command a small army of thugs
here they are!”
and then all of Robin Hood’s boys show up and the bishop is like “oh my”

So now that Robin Hood has the situation thoroughly in hand
he goes over to the bishop and is like “Your clothes
give them to me”
and the bishop does what he’s told
and then Robin Hood throws the cassock over Little John’s head
and he’s like “Alright Little John
you’re wearing the cassock
you’re the bishop now, you can do the wedding
that is definitely how that works”
and then they go inside the church
and Little John runs Alan and his disturbingly silent wife through the ceremony
he does it seven times just to make sure it sticks
and also because he is not a minister and has no right officiating a wedding.
Then the ceremony is over
and Robin Hood shreds a wicked guitar solo and drowns in sex.

The moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
hire a bunch of criminals to strong arm her into marrying you anyway.

The end.

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Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
WHAT ACTUALLY?”
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
SHOT DOWN.”
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.

So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
SILENTLY.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
INTERVIEWER:
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)

So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
FRIAR TUCK.

So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.

The end.

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Everybody Trusts Robin Hood for Some Reason

It’s been a long time since I talked about everybody’s favorite green forest burglar
I think the last story I told about him was pretty violent
like unnecessarily so
and the one before that was 80% sex and disguises
but Robin Hood is supposed to be about tricking dudes and stealing shit
he was played by a fox in the Disney movie for christ’s sake
like they brought in an actual live fox to model for that character
they lost three animators trying to put it in a green tunic
it was an incredible waste of money and life.
Anyway here’s a story where Robin does something clever for once.

So Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(and now you have that song stuck in your head)
when they see this potter driving a cart down the road.
Now, I went and looked up what a potter is, just to make sure
because sometimes ye olde jobbe tittles don’t mean what they seem to mean
like a cooper makes barrels and a cockswain is not a gay porn director
but it turns out a potter is exactly what it sounds like:
a dude who makes pots and then sells the pots.
The reason I bothered to look this up
is that I can think of no reason why a dude who makes pots all day
would be better at fighting than two dudes who FIGHT AND ROB PEOPLE ALL DAY
but this is the world these people live in I guess
because Little John sees the potter and he’s like “OH FUCK
ROBIN
THIS IS THAT POTTER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT”
and Robin is like “Chill out baby
you mean the Potter you tried to rob
but instead of getting robbed by you he broke three of your ribs?”
and little john is like “Yeah dude, he really fucked me up
just like he’ll fuck you up if you try to rob him”
and Robin’s like “Oh yeah?
I bet you 40 bucks I can get him to give me his money”
and Little John is like “Ok dude but when I win
I am not going to use any of that money to pay your medical bills”

so Robin hood jumps out of the forest in front of the potter like “sup”
and the potter’s like “nm, you?”
and Robin is like “Oh you know, just running this invisible toll booth here
right in the middle of the forest.
Give me 40 bucks and you can pass by.”
Guys, this is how Robin Hood makes his money:
by extorting working class travelers in “his” forest.
If anybody did this today we would be fucking horrified
but somehow this guy gets to skate by because occasionally he robs bad guys.
Obviously the potter refuses
because nothing about Robin Hood says “licensed toll collector”
so Robin Hood is like “awesome” and pulls out his sword
and the potter pulls out a big stick and fucks him with it.

So Robin Hood is lying on the ground bleeding from everywhere
and Little John runs up like “haha pay up cripple”
so Robin Hood pays him
and then the potter is like “dude
that was a real dick move, trying to rob me like that”
and Robin Hood is like “Your violence has convinced me that you are right
let’s be bros
let’s wear each other’s clothes”
and the potter is like “…what?”
and Robin Hood is like “Dude I’m serious
switch clothes with me
I’ll go to Nottingham and pretend to be you
we’re bros now this is what bros do.”
and the shrewd potter is like “Alright
but only if …
you take all my merchandise too
and sell it in town on my behalf”

so that’s what happens.
Robin Hood puts on the potter’s clothes and goes to town
with all the potter’s pots
and he rolls right up to the Sheriff of Nottingham’s house
(played by a fat wolf in the Disney version)
and sets up his stand.
It turns out, to no one’s surprise, that Robin Hood doesn’t know shit about pots
he is selling them for so cheap that everyone thinks he is an idiot
but as my grandpappy used to say:
idiot pots work just as well as non-idiot pots
(my grandpappy had a lot of really specific ceramics-related sayings)
so everybody buys all of the dumb idiot’s stupid pots
ALL BUT FIVE, THAT IS.
Robin Hood has been saving his last five pots
so he can give them away for free
to the wife of his mortal enemy
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM.

So Robin gets invited to dinner because of his gifts
and because Robin is not dressed like a jolly green asshole
the Sheriff does not recognize him at all
and is instead very thankful for the nice pots.
Meanwhile two of the sheriff’s guys start arguing about who can shoot better
and they start betting each other money
so Robin Hood is like “move over shitbirds” and takes them to arrow school
and the Sheriff is like “HOLY SHIT THAT BOY CAN BOW”
and Robin Hood is like “yeah dude I shoot bows with robin hood all the time
I can take you to meet him if you want”
and the Sheriff is like “I WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCRITICALLY”

Now I’m sure you can guess how this is going to go at this point:
Robin Hood leads the Sheriff to the potter dressed in his clothes
the Sheriff arrests the potter and Robin Hood flips everybody off with both hands
EXCEPT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUESSED WRONG.
Robin Hood just leads the Sheriff into the forest
has his dudes ambush him
and then takes all his loot and sends him home on a shitty horse
then he gives like half the money he made on heavily discounted pots to the potter
which means the potter basically got paid minimum wage to get drunk with criminals all day
so everybody goes home happy
except the Sheriff of Nottingham
but at least he gets to go home.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re getting mugged
just start taking off all your clothes and offering them to your mugger
it will turn out super well
history has shown this.

The end.

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Robin Hood Wears Guy of Gisborne Like a Suit

Today’s myth was recommended to me a LOOOONG time ago
the last time I did a myth about sherwood forest’s bastard-in-residence
so if you have recommended me something and I haven’t done it
probably i am not ignoring you
probably it is buried deep in the REQUESTS folder of my email
and i will get to it some day
(also it helps if you send me a link to a primary source along with your request
because i am a wee bit too busy to do exhaustive research
every time someone is like “hey do more Lithuanian myths”)

Okay so the story I am going to tell you today is this story.
Yeah take a nice long look at that link
does that make sense to you?
it shouldn’t
that’s not fucking english my friends
that is FUCKED english
and to make matters worse the editor keeps writing snarky shit in the footnotes
basically being like “this other historian added words to make this catastrophe more readable
but I took them all out because i enjoy causing pain.”
seriously why are people so concerned with keeping shit like this accurate?
like, let’s say you bought a really juicy steak in nineteen-fifty-five
that steak is not going to be nearly as delicious today as it was fifty-eight years ago
if you hang onto that exact same steak
no one is going to applaud you on your historical accuracy
you are going to need to buy a new steak my friends
you cannot just keep using the same steak forever
this is a thing you learn when you start to live on your own

anyway let me break this linguistic traffic-jam down for you:

so Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(oodalally oodalally golly what a day)
and Robin Hood is bitching about this dream he had
where he got his ass beat by some yeomen
which are more or less like medieval gangsters
(but only because basically everyone in medieval times was gangsters)
and Robin Hood is so pissed off about getting whupped in his dreams
that he is trying to get Little John to help him find the guys from his dream
so he can go whup their asses irl
and little john
being a sensible young giant forest gangster
is like “dude, that dream that you had?
THAT WAS A DREAM
YOU DREAMED IT
are we going to need to discuss what dreams are again Robin
because this shit is tiresome”
and robin is like fine let me put it another way
wanna wander around and beat the shit out of dudes?
and Little John is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

so pretty soon they see a dude leaning against a tree
this dude is also a yeoman
everyone is a yeoman
you can tell by all the weapons they are always carrying
and little John is like “oh shit a dude
here robin, wait here while i find out if he is a good dude or a bad dude”
and Robin Hood is like yo fuck that
i don’t wait in the forest while my homies check out weird dudes
man if I was not worried about damaging my bow
I would use it to smack the green off and then back onto you
and little john is like fine
if you’re gonna be like that
I’m gonna walk to Barnsdale
then he just straight leaves.

So I guess barnsdale isn’t that far off
Little John gets there
but when he gets there he sees two of his bros dead in the dirt
and the sherriff’s dudes are running through trying to kill even more bros
and little john is like I better shoot some dudes
to give the bros time to escape
but when he goes to shoot one of the dudes his bow fucking BREAKS IN HALF
(arrow still totally goes through a dude’s face though)
and then he gets arrested
and tied to a tree

so let’s leave Little John’s part of the story for a while
cause he’s tied to a tree and that’s boring
and Robin Hood is doing some EXCITING SHIT
specifically he is checking out this yeoman who is in his woods
he goes up to this guy like “hey guy who are you?”
and the guy is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
I mean uh … I am but a humble woodsman
looking for robin hood
so I can…
be best friends with Robin Hood!
and Robin Hood is like “That sounds lame
let’s shoot arrows at stuff instead”

so they set up some targets and start firing competitively
and Robin Hood is like “Oh sorry guy
you seem to have dropped something
I believe it is your ass
here let me just hand that back to you.”
except he says it with his archery and not his words
like a REAL MAN

so after a couple of hours of having his own ass presented to him in various ways
this mysterious yeoman is like DUDE
YOU ARE A PRETTY GREAT ARROW GUY
POSSIBLY EVEN BETTER THAN ROBIN HOOD
okay wait hold on dude
you are in a forest
actively LOOKING FOR ROBIN HOOD
when suddenly a dude appears
DRESSED ENTIRELY IN GREEN
this dude flatly REFUSES TO TELL YOU HIS NAME
and then BESTS YOU AT ARCHERY
what are you looking for
a fucking nametag or something?
jesus

anyway the guy asks Robin Hood to tell his name
and Robin is like You show me yours and I’ll show you mine
and the guy is like Very well
my name is
GUY OF GISBORNE
and Robin Hood is like okay that explains some things
I’m robin hood
and Guy is like GREAT!
COMMENCE THE STABBING!

so they stab pretty good for a while
until Robin finally stabs a little better
then he does the only sensible thing
which is to strip naked
dress Guy in his clothes
and then steal guy’s clothes and go find the sheriff
because apparently robin hood has been talking to the narrator of this ballad
and he knows all about Little John’s fuck-up

so Robin goes to the Sheriff and he’s like hey man
i totally killed Robin Hood like you told me to
you can tell I’m the same person you hired because I am wearing the same clothes
and the Sheriff is like YES WELL DONE
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
and Robin Hood is like oh don’t worry about it dude
all I want is the privelege of killing Little John too
and the Sheriff is like SWEET, FREE MURDERS
so Robin Hood goes over to little john
and all the sheriff’s men are crowding around
so he’s like uhh
I’m not just a murder guy, you know
I’m also a priest
this guy is going to confess to me before I murder him, so stand back
and everybody stands back because christianity has some weird rules
and then robin frees little john and little john shoots the sheriff in the heart.

Okay so the moral of the story
is that dreams really are bullshit
because seriously
what did that have to do with the rest of the story

the end.

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Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot

It is always a good day
when I realize I haven’t done a myth I’ve always really liked
and today is a good day.

So Robin Hood is bored.
B-O-R-E===D
and he decides that the cure for his boredom
is to go out wandering the wilderness by himself
and hopefully run into some dudes or disguised ladies to fight
but he’s not going out unprotected
FUCK no
he’s got his bow with him, first of all
and second of all he has his army of sixty-eight thieves on speed dial
in case shit gets too real

so properly prepped and looking for trouble, Robin Hood goes out wandering
and it’s all of three minutes before he runs up on some problems
because there’s this river, right
and there’s a log over the river
and Robin is in the middle of crossing it when he runs smack into this HUGE DUDE
and he’s like “Oh hey man, do you mind just backing off this log for a second so I can cross?”
and the huge dude is like AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO MIND
and Robin Hood is like WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO DO I
TIME TO SKIP STRAIGHT TO MURDER
I HOPE YOU LIKE ARROWS IN YOUR BODY

But John Little – that’s the huge dude’s name – calls bullshit on this
he’s like BULLSHIT
IF YOU SHOOT ME DOWN WITH SISSY GIRLY-BOY ARROWS
I AM GOING TO TAKE A FAT DYING DUMP ALL OVER YOUR SPARKLING REPUTATION
SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SHOOTS A DUDE WITH A LONGBOW FROM LIKE TWO FEET AWAY
and Robin Hood is like NOBODY CALLS ME A PUSSY
LET ME JUST GET A BIG STICK REAL QUICK SO I CAN POUND YOUR ASS WITH IT
and then he goes into a nearby thicket and finds him a gnarly oak-branch to fight with
then climbs back onto the log
so these two titans of tomfoolery can settle this like men:
by waving yard-long wooden dicks at each other
YES THAT IS RIGHT MY FRIENDS
ROBIN HOOD ACTUALLY BACKS OFF THE BRIDGE
IN ORDER TO PROCURE A WEAPON
TO USE
TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM HAVING TO BACK OFF THE BRIDGE
when you have to completely abandon your stated mission
in order to procure the massive weapons your mission requires
that’s a major red flag that you are entering bad decisions territory

but John Little doesn’t capitalize on this gaping window of opportunity
presumably because he is as excited about bludgeoning as Robin is
presumably because John Little is a seven-foot-tall human cage-match of muscles and fear
AND MUSCLES WIN EVERY TIME
so they start beating each other with sticks
and it’s not long before John straight fractures Robin Hood’s skull
sending him straight to concussion city, and also the river
at which point Robin gets up and starts laughing his ass off
because what John Little doesn’t know
is that there are sixty-eight pissed off dudes in the forest out there
just waiting to turn little John into a porcupine of murder
they’re all HEY ROBIN HOOD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO DIE?
and Robin Hood is like NO TIMES AT ALL, MY MERRY MEN
I AM ALL ABOUT DUDES WHO GIVE ME CONCUSSIONS
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES

so everybody goes back to Robin’s place and parties so hard they forget their childhoods
and they get so drunk they forget what order John Little’s name goes in
and from that day forward everyone calls him Little John
and he is an unstoppable force of injustice in Nottinghamshire

so the moral of the story
is you should pick your friends based on who can beat you up the most
because at least then those guys are your friends

THE END.

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Robin Hood: Not as Nice as You Thought

So Robin Hood
I talked about him before

although mainly I was talking about Maid Marian and how she stomped his ass
but now it is time for you to learn
about how Robin Hood became an outlaw:

So okay
in this version of the story, Robin Hood has a pretty high opinion of himself
or at least his ability to shoot arrows at things
so when he finds out that there’s a big arrow-shooting competition in Nottingham
he’s like SIGN ME UP
except no one can hear him because he’s just yelling at no one
and they haven’t invented bluetooth headsets yet so that doesn’t work.

Anyway, he’s on his way to Nottinghamshire
(shire is a british suffix
that can be applied to basically anything that you want an extra syllable at the end of
see also: -ford, -ington)
and all of a sudden there are these fifteen foresters.
these foresters see Robin Hood and they’re like “HEY KID
WHERE YA GOIN?”
and Robin Hood is like “I’m going to the arrow-shooting competition in Nottinghamshireington”
and these foresters, they are about to bust a collective gut
because as far as they are concerned, there is NO WAY this scrawny asshole can shoot arrows
so Robin Hood is like “I BET YOU 20 BUCKS I CAN KILL A DEER FROM 100 YARDS AWAY”
and they’re like “YOU’RE ON”
so he does it
because what kind of story would this be if he just fucked up and had to pay them 20 bucks?
and then he’s like “Alright guys, pay up”
and they’re like “UH NOPE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE SHOOT YOU WITH OUR ARROWS.”
so Robin Hood is like “wait
lemme get this straight
yall are about to let me walk away with my bow and arrow
after just having stiffed me for 20 bucks
after having SEEN WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BOW AND ARROW?”
and the foresters are like “Uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
And Robin Hood is like “Oh nothing. Peace.”

So he takes his arrow and he goes up on top of a hill
and just proceeds to KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FORESTERS
there’s no warning shots
there’s no attempt to teach them a lesson or leave them with fleshwounds
he is seriously just exploding these dudes’ heads.
Finally there’s only one dude left
and he’s running away
and at this point,
in the words of the ballad,
“Robin Hood he bent his noble bow,
And hee fetcht him back again.”
So basically he’s like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.
Then he walks up to the forester’s twitching body, and he’s like
“You said I was no archer,
But say so now again”
Translation:
“WHAT WAS THAT BITCH?
I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL YOUR DEAD FRIENDS.”
Then he shoots an arrow through that dude’s head and splits it in half.

So alright
so far Robin Hood is technically in the right
those dudes DID stiff him for 20 bucks, after all
but see now what happens
is that all the forester’s relatives who live in Nottingham hear the murder sounds
and they come into the woods to see what’s up
so Robin Hood kills EVERYONE
pretty much for no reason
and then obviously he has to become an outlaw, because what the fuck was he thinking?
I don’t even get why these people end up accepting money from him later
he killed like half their dudes!

Anyway, so the moral of the story
is don’t welch on bets
when you are betting against a psychopath.

The end.

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