The Jam Session That Created the Universe, by J.R.R. Tolkien

So there’s some dudes
oh wait shit i got ahead of myself
first there’s only one dude
his name is Iluvatar
(but with an accent over the u
but fuck accents this is america)
but then Iluvatar has him some thoughts
and those thoughts turn into other dudes
and those other dudes are called the Ainur

so Iluvatar lines up all these Ainur
and he’s like alright dudes
I have called you all here today
because I have a great idea for a band
you see
some bands rock hard
some bands even rock out with their cocks out
my friends
we are going to rock out so hard
we are going to INVENT COCKS
and EVERYTHING ELSE, actually.
Everyone thinks this is mad sweet
so they all gather round
and Iluvatar teaches them
and then he’s like okay dudes
now it is time
for you
to JAM

so all these Ainu are jamming out
busting mad solos on their celestial instruments and whatnot
and Iluvatar is sitting in his arm chair all pleased
but then this one Ainu named Melkor has to come along
and stick his dick in the porridge, so to speak

Here’s Melkor’s deal:
he is by far the most gifted musician out of all these dudes
he’s like if Orpheus was playing a Bach concierto on a piano made of Mozarts
dude is a prodigy is what I am trying to say
so obviously he doesn’t feel the need to show up to celestial band practice
and instead spends most of his time wandering through the void
looking for the sacred flame that animates all creation
you know
like ya do.

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything
(and I’m not saying that he has)
it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY
so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole
and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted
[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth
but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band
so suck it]

so everyone is jamming with the sweet riffs Iluvatar gave them
and meanwhile Melkor is just shredding over there on his axe
paying less than no attention to the rhythm or key or anything
and eventually the dudes who are standing near him are like holy shit
this music makes my blood want to shoot out my skull and start doing pushups
fuck Iluvatar’s pussy-ass music of creation
it is time for some goddamn THRASH METAL UP IN HERE

so dudes start drop-tuning their harps and lyres and organs
and whatever other lame shit you use when you’re not playing speed metal
and within ten minutes Iluvatar’s sweet heavenly orchestra
has become Melkor’s doombattle moshpit slaughterhouse
so Iluvatar stands up
all slow and confident
and he puts up his left hand
and suddenly this new riff starts up
and it’s pretty sweet, and it’s actually managing to pull the song together a bit
but then Melkor is like FUCK DAT
and starts biting the heads off chickens and whatnot
beating his guitar against his face and eating rusty nails
so Iluvatar stands up again
and this time he looks a little peeved
and he puts up his right hand
and ANOTHER riff starts up
all beautiful and placid and harmonic and shit
but Melkor is having none of it
he is just mashing power chords with the amps turned up to gazillion
so finally Iluvatar gets REAL PISSED
and he puts BOTH hands up
and the music just STOPS
and he’s like way to go guys
look what you did:

so he gives them all the power of sight
because up to this point
we were just dealing with an entire orchestra of brilliant Stevie Wonders
and BAM
they all see the world that their music has apparently been making
no one told them this would happen
they just thought they were having a sweet jam sesh
and the world is AWESOME
and Iluvatar is like yeah i know it’s awesome
guys this was my plan
even your shit, Melkor
I planned that too
like all that fire and ice and lava and shit?
that is where we get snowflakes and rain and … and rad lava
so everyone wins!
and everyone is looking at this world
and all their licks and riffs and meedlies are encoded in the terrain
and they are totally getting their minds blown
and then DUDES start showing up
humans and elves!
and Iluvatar is like okay who wants to go live in this new world
and everyone is like OH ME ME ME
so they go to earth and become the Valar
except joke’s on them
because that shit they saw?
that was just a vision of how things are GOING to be
so now earth is just a screaming ball of magma and junk
and they are the ones who have to do the hard work of building it
so humans and elves can just show up and party

so naturally these dudes are pretty pissed
the main guys who got suckered into this
are Ulmo, who is mainly in charge of water
Manwe, who does wind stuff
Aule, who is a geology nerd
and Melkor who is an asshole
also Melkor invents fire
which is good
but he invents it by torching all of the other stuff
so, not as good

so imagine yourself in this situation
you’ve just been promised a paradise based on a sweet track you recorded
you pay the security deposit, sign the lease
and now you are stuck in a hell of fire and low property values
while your dick friend tries to immolate everything you own

naturally the outcome is ceaseless wars
the Valor keep trying to build shit
and Melkor just keeps setting it on fire
over and over again
until finally the valor succeed in making something vaguely resembling a world
and all the humans and elves show up
and the valor all put on human and elf skins
because when they’re naked they’re just invisible
which is actually a pretty okay superpower depending on your body image
and Melkor doesn’t want them to have all the fun
so he tries to assume physical form too
but he is too metal for humanity, so he turns into a VOLCANO
and then more wars
but eventually less wars
and now, people!

So the moral of the story
is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

the end.

11 thoughts on “The Jam Session That Created the Universe, by J.R.R. Tolkien

  1. Excellent rendition. And yes, shred metal makes fire but yeah shitty musical sense has fucked up the world. [Have you heard the theory that Ol√≥rin’s part in the music is what made the Hobbits, and that’s why Gandalf is so super-fond of them?]

  2. Please, PLEASE let this be the first of many. Mostly because I died laughing reading this, but also because I recently tried to retell the Silmarillion to a friend. Tried being the key word.

  3. I LOVE all mythology and because you made this website you are a hero, not as awesome as Neil Gaiman but getting there. The Silmarillion is one of my favourite books and I would love it if you could do Beren and Luthien’s story. Tinuviel is so much more badass than Galadriel or Arwen.

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