Jewelry is Hard to Come By In Middle Earth

Right so some of you lovely people gave money to my Patreon
and the amount of money you gave me
means I gotta finish the Silmarillion now
which is great actually
because I was just saying how I’m not reading enough multisyllabic names.

Okay, where were we?
Oh yeah
Turin just fucked everything up over and over again and then died
awesome.
I hate to break it to you guys
but this story gets way the fuck grimmer before it claws its way out of the sadhole
like Tolkien tried to pack as much tragedy into this fucking thing as possible
before the day gets inevitably saved.
He’s like a dude at an all-you-can-eat sadness buffet
just cramming in the depressing calories
because he knows he’s inevitably gonna shit later.
Okay, bad metaphor
I’m just stalling because this part of the story sucks.

Okay, remember Hurin?
It’s cool if you don’t.
There’s a lot to remember.
Hurin is Turin’s dad
which makes me wish everybody’s names rhymed with their dad’s names
it would make this fucking book way easier.
Anyway Hurin was kidnapped my Morgoth back when Turin was a baby
and he has spent all the time since then just hanging out in Morgoth’s castle
which is seriously THE LAMEST PLACE
plus Morgoth is like the WORST DUDE to hang out with
but then one day
(after Turin is already way dead)
Morgoth is just like “hey dude you’re free to go”
and Hurin is like “…what?”
and Morgoth is like “Yeah I feel real bad about torturing you in my castle for decades
plus your son is dead so maybe you should go mourn him.”
and Hurin is like “no way dude, you’re an asshole
you don’t feel bad about things you do.”
and Morgoth is like “Ha ha,you got me
I really just want to release you so you can ruin everybody’s lives
with the hatred I have nurtured inside of you.”
and Hurin is like “Oh, okay, that makes more sense
peace out.”
and then he leaves.

Nobody wants to have shit to do with him
because he’s been living with Morgoth for a long-ass time
so he’s like crawling with Evil Cooties
and everybody’s standoffishness just pisses of Hurin more
so he goes straight to the hidden city of Gondolin
which is the last remaining Secret Elf City
now that Turin totally fucked up Nargothrond
and Hurin stands outside of Gondolin like “HEY
HEY
SECRET CITY
OPEN UP, GUYS
I KNOW THERE’S A SECRET CITY HERE
THERE USED TO BE A DOOR RIGHT HERE BUT IT’S BROKEN
WHAT THE FUCK”
and Thorondor, the king of Eagles is like “Oh hell no
we are not letting that crazy bastard in here
nuh uh.”
and Morgoth’s spies are like “SECRET CITY, YOU SAY?
HMMMM”
so I’m sure that won’t end poorly or anything.

After waiting outside Gondolin for a whole day
Hurin finally gets fed up and leaves
and he goes to find his wife Morwen
but she’s super old and dead
and all his kids are dead
it’s just all around a pretty sucky week for Hurin.
So to make it shittier, I guess
he goes to the ruins of Nargothrond
where that shitty dwarf Mim is busy fucking all the gold
and he stabs Mim and takes the prettiest necklace in the city
which is this fancy dwarf thing called the Nauglamir
and he brings that shit over to Thingol and Melian‘s house in Doriath
(this dude is doing like a greatest-hits tour of the kingdom)
and he throws the necklace at Thingol like “FUCK YOU HERE’S A NECKLACE
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR THROWING OUT MY SON
YOU GET HIT WITH A PRICELESS NECKLACE”
and Melian is like “Dude we didn’t throw out your son
your son turned into a crazy asshole and ran away”
and Hurin is like “Oh …”
and then there’s a really awkward pause
where Hurin picks the necklace up off the ground
and gently places it in Thingol’s hands
and pats it a couple times while looking sheepishly at his feet
and then he goes and drowns himself in the ocean.

So Thingol looks at this priceless dwarf necklace
and he’s like “You know what would make this necklace even better?
IF IT HAD A SILMARIL IN IT
FUCK YEAH LET’S GET SOME DWARVES IN HERE
THEY LOVE STICKING SHIT IN GOLD.”
So he calls up some dwarves
and they come over and put the fancy gem in the necklace
but then they’re like “Hey man, we’re gonna take this home ok?”
and Thingol is like “That wasn’t part of the deal!”
and the dwarves are like “WE’RE MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL”
and then they kill him and take the necklace
but the elves chase them down and kill them and take it back
but a couple of them escape and tell the dwarves
who decide to go to war over this stupid piece of jewelry.

Meanwhile Melian is none too pleased
because she gave up being a god to go have sex with Thingol
and it is very hard to have satisfying sex with a male corpse
so she’s like “okay kingdom
you know how I was protecting you with my magic?
well, uh
you’re on your own now.”
and then she goes away to be sad in space or something
and the dwarves show up and kill like everybody and take the necklace again
but then Beren
(the dude who stole the Silmaril in the first place)
finds out about this shit and gets pissed off
so HE shows up and kills all the dwarves and takes the necklace
and gives it to his wife Luthien
who gets so sexy by wearing the necklace that it kills them both
so then Thingol’s son takes it back to Doriath
at which point the sons of Feanor remember their solemn oath
to never stop being assholes until they have all the Silmarils
so THEY show up and kill everyone in Doriath
but they don’t get the necklace because someone runs away with it
but at least they make up for their failure by killing a bunch of women and children
and making it so Doriath will never be a kingdom ever again.
It’s sort of a win-win if you think about it.
Wait I just thought about it
nope.

Anyway the moral of the story
is that you should never give custom jewelry to your lover
because dwarves will kill them and steal it.
Oh god
Valentine’s day was two days ago
…I’m too late

TO BE CONTINUED!

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5 thoughts on “Jewelry is Hard to Come By In Middle Earth

  1. This is great, except… Beren wasn’t an elf, he was human. That was the point of Thingol being a shitstar to him, he didn’t want a sucky human dude humping his beautiful immortal daughter.

  2. I’m gonna be an asshole and point out all of your mistakes here. Thorondor is the king of the eagles, The king of Gondolin is Turgon. Beren is a man. And it was Beren & Luthien’s son who took the necklace back to Doriath (had to look up this one). Also I’m pretty sure Melian was still immortal because she is a Maia.

  3. I thought we’d had a “all-you-can-eat sadness buffet” before, but no, so far there’s only been an “all-you-can-steal buffet” and an “all-you-can-eat hubris buffet”. Finding the sources is left as an exercise to the reader, because now I’m hungry.

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