Feanor’s Arctic Roadtrip

Okay so when we talked about this shit last week
it seemed like Melkor had pretty effectively fucked everything up
but it turns out he didn’t actually fuck up everything
because if he had
then there wouldn’t be anything left over for Feanor to fuck up
and let me tell you
Feanor fucks up
PLENTY THINGS

so the Valinor and the Noldor elves are cleaning up after the party
and Yavanna is being all sad about how her light-trees got ate
but then she’s like holy shit wait a second
didn’t Feanor make those fancy Silmaril gems using the light of my trees?
if I got my hands on one of those gems I could totally fix these trees i bet
hey Feanor, wanna lend a sister a cup o’ gems?
and Feanor is like NAW
GET YOUR OWN IRREPLACEABLE GEMS OF LIGHT
and Yavanna is like dang
but then it turns out it doesn’t even matter
cause right then a messenger shows up
to tell everyone that Feanor’s dad Finwe just got dead
cause Melkor and professional spiderbitch Ungoliant romped right through Feanor’s castle
and guess what else guys
they took
ALL THE TREASURE

okay so lemme put this in perspective
let’s say you have a computer
(i do not think this is too challenging of a scenario for you to imagine)
and let’s say you are a diligent computer user
who regularly backs up all your important files onto an external hard drive
you keep your computer in your room in your house
and you keep the external hard drive in an iron room at the roots of your mountain stronghold
guarded by all the fiercest warriors in your kingdom
one day you go to a party
not because you want to party, but because it’s some kind of weird social obligation
like, it’s your friend’s boyfriend’s birthday or something
and you don’t really like him but you like your friend
and it would look really bitchy if you didn’t go
and while you are at this party
some dude and his giant spider go into your room and smash your computer
so you’re pretty bummed
but you’ve still got your external hard drive right?
nope, no
they blew that shit up too
and they killed your dad
and oh, i forgot to say
those important files you were backing up?
those were actually ALL THE LIGHT AND GOODNESS IN THE WORLD
so naturally Feanor is not really happy with anyone at this point in this story

he’s so pissed in fact
that he decides Melkor needs a new name
he’s like “hm, melkor is pretty evil sounding and all
but what with all the darkness he’s constantly creeping around in
I think we need something a little more goth
hey, that’s it! Moregoth!
but people might mispronounce that if we leave the E in
so we better just shorten it to Morgoth”
and that is what that dude gets called forever
because Feanor has him some fucking CHARISMA

he has so much charisma in fact
that when he climbs up on top of a mountain
and starts screaming at all the elves about how they should come with him
on a suicide mission to get the Silmarils back from Morgoth
only a few of them are actually like “Fuck you and fuck your treasure”
and most of them seem to think it’s a really good idea for some reason
probably because Feanor uses all the lies he heard from Melkor back in the day
and lies are great.

MEANWHILE
Morgoth and Ungoliant are back on the north side
on the way to Morgoth’s stronghold
and Ungoliant is like yo
you said you’d give me whatever I wanted
and I’m a huge spider with magic powers so you should keep your promises to me
and Morgoth is like fuuuuck what do you want
and Ungoliant is like FEED ME GEMS
so he does
but he keeps the silmarils for himself
even though they are totally burning his hands
and Ungoliant tries to put him in some webs to get the silmarils
but then all of Morgoth’s old pals from underground come running out and set her on fire
and she leaves
and goes and lives with some other evils spiders and fucks and eats them forever
Morgoth, meanwhile, rebuilds his fortress
and puts the silmarils in a big crown on his head
even though like I said they are INCREDIBLY PAINFUL
and then he basically just sits on a chair for years and years
waiting to be thwarted
like most supervillains

Looks like he’s gonna have to wait a long time though
cause the Noldor are not off to a good start
right out of the gate they have a little schism
cuz Feanor wants to be king of all the elves
and like two-thirds of the elves want their king to be Fingolfin
by the way I looked up some of the elements of elvish names in the appendix
and it turns out fin means “hair”
so fingolfin’s name actually means “Hairgolhair”
i don’t know what “gol” means
probably “hair” though.

But even though the noldor pick different leaders
they still all think it’s a good idea
to hurl themselves into a frozen morass full of orcs and demons
mainly because they’ve all been cooped up in valinor for a long-ass time
and they want to see what the actual world looks like

Now, Feanor made everyone leave pretty fast
cause he was worried that if he gave them too long to think
they’d realize how fucking stupid this whole thing was
and in fact Manwe even sent a messenger to remind them how fucking stupid it was
which Feanor ignored obviously
but after a few days of marching towards doomtowne Feanor starts to actually think
and he’s like fuuuuck
there are a lot of us
and in order to get to Melkor’s place we’re going to need boats
and I am too impatient to actually sit and make boats
good thing there’s a whole race of elves called the Teleri
(Swimmy elves)
who have tons of boats and will totally give them to us

except it turns out that the Teleri don’t want to just give away awesome boats for free
or for money, either
it’s pretty obvious to them how grade-a stupid Feanor’s plan is
and they paid good money for those boats
so Feanor is like fine, fine, that’s cool
I’ll just murder all your boat dudes and take your boats anyway
and all the swimmy elves are like what the fuuuuuck
and while he’s doing that Fingolfin’s part of the army catches up
and they see a big fight going on
and they don’t know why it’s happening, but dudes are getting killed
so they jump in and swarm on the Teleri
and get on the boats
and then Fingolfin is like hey what was that about?
and Feanor is like boat thievery
OBVIOUSLY
and then everyone feels terrible

then there’s storms, and more people die
then Mandos, the hand of fate, appears on a cliff
shouting DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKERS
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO TURN BACK
and some of the dudes do turn back
but most of them stay
because they feel pretty shitty about killing all those Teleri
and they don’t want to go to jail for it or anything

here’s the problem though
now they’re at this awful river of ice and danger called the Helcaraxe
and there are not enough boats to get everyone across at once
even though I thought they sailed there on the boats?
I guess I’m missing something
anyway no one trusts anyone enough to let anyone else go ahead
so finally Feanor is like fuck this and just steals the boats AGAIN
he steals them from himself, basically
and he puts all the dudes who are loyal to him on the boats
and sails to the other side
and then when they get there one of his sons is like okay
so who are we sending back to pick up Fingolfin’s dudes?
and Feanor is like HAHAHA NO ONE
IN FACT
I’M SETTING THESE BOATS ON FIRE NOW
IT’S BRILLIANT DON’T YOU SEE??

no one does see, of course
because it’s pure idiocy on every level
but Fingolfin’s men DO see the fires
and it’s pretty obvious to them what’s happened
so they’re like what should we do?
should we go back to Valinor and live forever in peace and delight?
NAH FUCK THAT
LET’S WADE ACROSS THE HELCARAXE, TRACK DOWN FEANOR AND BEAT HIS ASS
and that is exactly what they decide to do

but also
that is a story for another time

moral of the story
is if you are gathering an army of your kin to enact revenge on a mortal enemy
you should plan at least far enough out in advance
to book plane tickets

THE END.

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13 thoughts on “Feanor’s Arctic Roadtrip

  1. The deal with the boats is that they weren’t actually all sailing north in those, they just sort of walked there and the boats followed along the shore maybe carrying supplies or something but mainly just looking for the bit way up north where the sea is narrow enough to cross even if none of your dudes are great mariners because all of your friends who were are dead because you murdered them to get the boats in the first place.

    Also, one of Fingolfin’s sons is named “Fingon”, which basically means “hair-shout” because he has massive hair and a massive voice. The Noldor are all about appreciating good hair. (Heck, “Finwe” basically just means “hair dude”.)

    • I call bullshit on your boat explanation. It specifically says that the sea god got mad at them for stealing the boats and sank a bunch of them and dudes drowned.

      • Well, there had to be people on them to sail them north. (All solid Feanor superfans, of course, and probably more than strictly necessary, since he already didn’t trust his brothers.)

  2. well shit, this is as far as I’ve gotten in the silmarilion. does this mean I have to read more of that thing?

  3. Fingolfin actually means “Hair Dark Hair”.

    So he apparently is a natural blonde that is so hairy that his blond hair has dark hair.

  4. Feanor’s entire personality, motivation and story arc can be summed up as “GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING SIMARILS”.

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