We’re approaching the end of the Silmarillion
which means shit should be getting marginally less sour at this point
but GUESS WHAT?
Shit is staying sour like lemon-flavored bad mood
which is honestly a pretty appetizing description as far as shit is concerned
but I hope I don’t need to tell you guys:
no kind of shit is good for eating
don’t let fancy flavors fool you.
Okay, now that we got that PSA out of the way
why don’t I tell you about Tuor.
Okay, Tuor is the son of Hurin’s brother
who died during the last big battle
so he grows up as a sad little orphan in a cave with some other sad humans
until one day everyone is like “fuck this cave” and leaves
except they get killed by orcs and shitty humans
and the shitty humans enslave Tuor for three years
at which point he breaks out and goes back to the cave
even though it’s totally abandoned now
because I guess he really likes caves.
So he chills out in the cave for a while
maybe staring at some shadows on a wall or w/e
LORD OF THE WATERS
is like “dude, you know what’s better than caves?
THE MOTHERFUCKING SEA”
and Tuor is like “GOD DAMN YOU’RE RIGHT
CAVES ARE GREAT
BUT CAN YOU DROWN IN A CAVE?
IS A CAVE FULL OF POISONOUS, DEADLY WATER-BREATHERS?
IS IT ANYWHERE NEAR AS MOIST?
THE SEA IS A WAY BETTER PLACE TO BE MISERABLE THAN A CAVE”
and Ulmo is like “Ok that’s not exactly what I meant
but whatever works I guess.”
So Tuor hikes over to the sea
and Ulmo leads him around with birds and shit for a while
until finally Tuor ends up
IN ANOTHER CAVE
and inside this cave
is a suit of armor
which Turgon, king of the hidden city of Gondolin
custom-made like 200 years ago
using measurements given to him by Ulmo
so that some day
some random dude
could come along and find them.
THAT DUDE IS TUOR.
So yeah, Tuor puts on this creepily well-fitting armor
and then runs into a random shipwrecked elf from Gondolin
who Ulmo fucked over just so he could lead Tuor back to the city
which is exactly what happens.
Now I know what you’re thinking:
this whole armor thing is the payoff of a godly prophecy
several centuries in the making
which means Tuor is probably about to Jesus the fuck out of Gondolin
turn shit around for the good guys
and finally start accomplishing rad feats instead of incest and misery
Turns out Tuor is just gonna tell king Turgon to leave his secret castle
because Morgoth is gonna come burn it down any day now
and Turgon is just gonna be like “Hm … I see what you’re saying
but I like this secret castle
all my shit is here
so … nope.”
AND THAT’S THAT.
It’s like DUDE
AN ACTUAL LITERAL GOD CAME TO YOU
AND TOLD YOU TO MAKE ARMOR FOR A DUDE
WHO DIDN’T EVEN EXIST YET
SO THAT ONE DAY HE COULD COME DELIVER YOU A MESSAGE.
THAT DUDE IS HERE NOW, TURGON
HE IS IN YOUR HOUSE
HE IS DELIVERING YOU A MESSAGE
AND YOU’RE GONNA TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD-DAMN TELEMARKETER?
THIS IS LIKE IF I HIRED A PLUMBER TO FIX MY TOILET
AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE YOU NEED NEW PIPES
AND I WAS LIKE NO THANKS DUDE I LIKE MY OLD PIPES
I THINK I’M JUST GONNA START SHITTING IN MY SINK.
GOD DAMMIT TURGON
DON’T GO SHITTING IN YOUR SINK, BUDDY
DON’T GO SHITTING ANYWHERE IN YOUR KITCHEN
NO KIND OF POOP IS GOOD TO EAT.
But it’s too late
Turgon has made his dumb decision
and now everyone has to deal with it
but Tuor does manage to salvage the situation
by marrying Turgon’s hot elf daughter Idril
who was coincidentally the sex-target of an asshole named Maeglin
who was the dude who convinced Turgon to stay in Gondolin like an asshole
so Idril def made the right choice.
Idril also makes another right choice:
because her dad is too much of an idiot to leave Gondolin
she goes over his head
or under his head i guess
what I mean is she digs a secret tunnel out of the city
and doesn’t tell anyone except Tuor and maybe a couple other people
which means that when Morgoth inevitably captures Maeglin
and converts him to evil
and convinces him to betray Gondolin so he can finally sex Idril
Idril is just like HAHAHA NOPE
and runs away with all the cool people while Morgoth’s goons butcher everyone else.
So Tuor and Idril and co flee through all the worst parts of the mountains
(every part of mountains is the worst part)
protected from evil by a swarm of giant screaming eagles.
They get attacked by a Baalrog at one point
but it’s okay because some dude nobody cares about sacrifices himself to knock it off a cliff
exactly like Gandalf does later in the Lord of the Rings
SUCH A FUCKING BITER, GOD.
So yeah, everybody gets away clean
and they end up on the coast
because Tuor is still OBSESSED with the sea
and they run into all the dudes who escaped Doriath when it got ruined
and everybody chills out in their new secret base
which Morgoth is totally unaware of
so HE thinks everything is totally groovy
because all he has to deal with is the children of Feanor
who at this point have pretty much exclusively killed their own guys.
BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because Ulmo swims back to Valinor to talk to the other Valar
and he’s like “Guys
the humans and the elves are doing pretty damn bad
maybe we should get off our asses and help them kill Morgoth?
Like, you know how we’re each as powerful as Morgoth
and there are like a ton more of us?
Couldn’t we end this war like super fast?”
and Manwe, who is still sore about the elves ditching his party castle
is like “Yeah … but no.”
and Ulmo is like “aww.”
then Tuor and his wife build a big boat and sail out of the story
thus making them probably the happiest people in the Silmarillion so far
but doing fuck-all to help anyone else.
So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get on a boat and fucking vanish.
TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD
Awww hell dude I’ve been waiting for you to do this story for ages. DID NOT DISAPPOINT
That’s a great motto for life.