King Arthur, in: BONER BUNGLE

Hey guys, I’m back.
While I was gone I saw some things on the internet you might like
One of them is a lady reading one of my favorite myths i’ve done on here
and the other one is … well you should watch it
BUT DO THAT LATER
RIGHT NOW MYTHS ARE HAPPENING

Okay, King Arthur, right?
I haven’t talked about this guy in a while
so let me refresh your memory
Arthur got born because some dude named Uther
got a wizard named merlin
to help him fuck some other dude’s wife
(the other dude was named Gorlois, and the dude’s wife was named Ygraine)
then Arthur became king because he pulled a sword out of a rock
just a normal sword, mind you
but one HELL OF A ROCK
oh and that wizard Merlin is still hanging around causing problems
because wizards.

But here’s the problem with being king, guys
it is that apparently there is a rule
that says whoever kills the king gets to have all his stuff
(in fact that was sort of how Arthur got born in the first place
because women count as stuff at this point in history)
so no sooner is Arthur king
then he has to start fighting like ALL THESE WARS
(he gets a sword that makes him really good at that
but that’s a whole other story)
and right in the middle of one of these wars
he gets a visit
from a hot chick
all like ARTHUR ARTHUR
MY CASTLE GOT ALL PILLAGED AND WHATNOT
I BARELY GOT OUT WITH MY NIPPLES UN-SINGED
LOOK, SEE, LOOK AT MY NIPPLES THEY ARE FINE
and Arthur is like uhh boobies
I mean hey
do you want to crash at my castle for a while
and this chick
(who is actually named Margawse
and is queen of a whole family of bad irish dudes named the orkneys
and is actually here to totally wreck Arthur’s shit)
is like YES PROBABLY
BUT FIRST I NEED YOU TO SHOW ME ALL THE SECRET DOORS IN THE CASTLE
SO THAT I CAN FEEL SAFE FROM ENEMY ATTACK OR SOMETHING
and Arthur is using most of his brain-blood to sustain a furious erection
so he sees no problem with this

thus ensues some serious mister magoo shit
with Arthur all ducking to tie his shoe right as Margawse is swinging her knife and such
and he shows her all his secret doors
and how to unlock them and everything
and he shows her his treasure pit
which is guarded by a single midget
complete with tiny sausages and bad attitude
then he sets her up in his room
(after adding like, a bed
and putting glass in the windows and all that
because apparently King Arthur’s usual idea of luxury
is the French government’s usual idea of prison)
and they go to have dinner

And Margawse is STILL TRYING TO KILL THIS DUDE
she’s got poison all up in her ring
trying to slip it in the wine
but there are too many servants for that shit to fly
and meanwhile she is just getting TRASHED on all this good wine
and then arthur walks her back to her/his room
and I don’t know where he was PLANNING to sleep
but he ends up sleeping all up in her stuff
and by sleeping I mean sexing
(and then sleeping after)
because like
Margawse starts out trying to seduce him so she can get close and stab him
but then Arthur’s boner starts firing off bad decisions like pyrotechnics
and he’s all like HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE QUEEN?
and Margawse is like I WILL SHOW YOU HOW I WOULD LIKE THAT
WITH ALL OF THE SEXIEST PARTS OF MY ANATOMY

So while Arthur is having sex with her ears
all the Orkneys are sneaking into the castle through a door she left open
and since they’re all greedy twanks
they decide to hit up the dwarf and his treasure first of all
except wait, did I say dwarf?
I meant DRAGON IN A DWARFSUIT
so that goes really badly for all those guys

meanwhile up in arthur’s room
it is going pretty good for him
Margawse has just popped his cherry
also both her eardrums
and they are snoozing peacefully
and everything is just PERFECT
until they wake up and start doing the pillowtalk

so Arthur is like hey lady
you said you were a queen, right
who are your parents
and Margawse is like oh
well my mother was this chick named Ygraine
and Arthur is like OH SHIT DON’T TELL ME YOUR DAD WAS UTHER PENDRAGON
and Margawse is like puh-leeze
my dad was Gorlois
who Uther STOLE Ygraine from
with the help of some kind of dick-wizard
it’s a shame Uther was too much of an impotent dickweed to have any kids
because if he did
I’d be getting SO MUCH REVENGE ON THAT KID RIGHT NOW
But obviously you don’t care about all this, right Arthur?
I mean, you came out of nowhere and became king because of some sword thing
who even knows who your parents are?
and Arthur is like HAHAHA I KNOW RIGHT
PRETTY CRAZY
OKAY YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW
and Margawse is like Excuse me?
And Arthur is like uh
there’s a …
a prophecy, yeah
about how the chick i’m going to marry will be blond
and you are a brunette
and bleaching has not been invented yet
so get your skank ass out of my royal chambers
and she does
after calling Arthur some pretty mean names
and she goes back to her husband
King Lot of Orkney
and that would’ve been the end of that
except everyone forgot how babies work
so there’s one of those inside Margawse now
and he is going to come back to bite Arthur’s ass
in the absolute worst way

but that is a story for another time

the moral of THIS story, meanwhile
is you want to try and ascertain your honey’s genealogy
BEFORE your penis is actually inside of her (or his) body

THE END

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8 thoughts on “King Arthur, in: BONER BUNGLE

  1. First off, stellar myth. Always check your boning buddy’s family tree, just in case. Also, my friend Mat is the one doing the video of your myths: 2x combo of awesome!

  2. Ok, can we have some, like, actual mentions of excalibur? And maybe the lady of the lake, and more merlin, and how that kid comes to bite Arthur in the ass? At least more merlin. Pretty please? This story was great though, and all of your arthurian stuff has been fantastic.

  3. Pingback: Chivalry Isn’t Dead, You Just Don’t Know What the Fuck it is. | Myths RETOLD

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