Uther Pendragon is basically Zeus

Alright so King Arthur right

OH SHIT WAIT SLOWWWW DOWN
because at this point in the story
king arthur isn’t even king yet
and in fact
he is not even born
it is pretty hard to be king when you are not born guys
because babies are stupid
and sperm is even stupider than babies
trust me i have tried to teach sperm to do all these tricks
but it just sits there
fucking worthless

ok so really the guy we should be talking about
is motherfucking UTHER PENDRAGON
my friends
if you have the word dragon
ANYWHERE in your fucking name
you are destined for greatness
and this guy is already basically as great as you can possibly get
because see
England has a bunch of kings right
but Uther
is KING OF ALL THOSE KINGS
that’s right
there are so many kings
THE KINGS HAVE KINGS

Now here is where the different tellings of this story diverge
that’s right
THEY DIVERGE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN GETS STARTED ASSHOLES
because when you are reading myths about king arthur
you have a couple of options
one is to read Malory
who basically tells it like it is
another is to read Howard Pyle
who takes Malory
straps a chastity belt on him
straps a chastity belt on the chastity belt
then dips the whole thing in a vat of shamesauce
OR you can read Thomas Berger
who takes Howard Pyle
chops his legs off
straps him to a jetpack
glues a pair of tits to his face
and sets him on fire
guess which one i picked

so like I said Uther is pretty much set for life
but all this glory hardly even registers
on his royal give-a-shit-ometer
because what he is concerned with
is banging some other dude’s wife
the dude’s name is Gorlois
and his main trait is that he has a hot wife
named Ygraine
so Uther is like HM
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN
BUT SHE’S MARRIED
I KNOW
I WILL DECLARE WAR ON HER HUSBAND
THIS IS SURE TO WIN HER OVER
a tactic that has withstood the test of time

so he does this
and Gorlois’ first response is to just run the fuck away
leaving behind his wife in his castle
and getting the fuck besieged out of him in this other castle
i do not know whose idea this brilliant tactic was
but they need a medal

what this does manage to do however
is keep Uther from killing Gorlois pretty much indefinitely
at which point Uther actually gets ILL WITH RAGE
yes
some people are so full of fury that it can actually cause DISEASES
and he is like RRRRRRRRRR
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BANG THIS CHICK SO BAD
but then his pal ulfin shows up and is like dude what the fuck
you’re Uther motherfucking pendragon
the only limiting factor on the number of women you can bone
at any given time
is how many penises you have
look i know this wizard merlin
he can give you like
a plethora of dicks
you will forget all about this skank ho Ygraine i promise
and Uther
whose main talent is not listening to people
is like MERLIN OF COURSE
I WILL HIRE HIM TO HELP ME BONE YGRAINE

so he sends some dudes to go find merlin
and they all find this lake
and they are super thirsty
so they drink out of it
and BAM they turn into frogs
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and then he teleports to Uther’s castle
and all those dudes get eaten by monsters

So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO

Amauri Siegel done did this

ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
so here is what we are going to do
I am going to turn you into Gorlois
then
you are going to fuck Ygraine
also I will turn me and Ulfin into some of Gorlois’ dudes
cause why not
and Uther is like wait hold on
how much is this gonna cost
I am kind of cash poor at the moment
and Merlin is like whatever dude I don’t accept cash anyway
I only accept CHILDREN
and Uther is like whoa what
and Merlin is like dude you’re gonna have a kid with Ygraine
he’s gonna be a super great king
and since I am basically making his existence happen
through a winning combination of my wand and your dick
I get to be his dad
them’s the rules
and Uther is like I don’t know man
and Merlin is like have you SEEN Ygraine’s tits?
and Uther is like not as much as I would like to
and Merlin is like and you’re telling me
you don’t want some consequence free sex
with basically the equivalent of fourteen supermodels
duct taped to a missile
full of SEX PHEREMONES
and Uther is like i don’t even know what half of those words were
but i’m sold
let’s do this

so Merlin changes everybody into everybody else
and then he gets bored and teleports them all to Gorlois’ castle
and there are pretty much NO GUARDS AT ALL
they basically just waltz right in
except waltzing has not been invented yet
so they like
gallivant I guess
or sashay maybe
anyway they go inside and merlin just happens to know where Ygraine is at
and he takes Uther there and is like go for it buddy
so Uther goes in there and Ygraine is like whoa shit
hey husband I thought you got killed
and Uther is like less talk more intercourse
and proceeds win the all around gold medal in the vagina olympics
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
until finally Ulfin comes knocking on the door
and Uther is like WHAT IM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
and Ulfin is like um well Gorlois is dead
and Uther is like SWEET
now I can stop wearing this shitty disguise
and just bang this chick regular-like
so he does that
for like several days or something
and she gets preggers
and then Uther proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
all across england
with his entire army
literally raping the fuck out of every woman over the age of 11
or actually he is not raping very much
but ALL HIS MEN are raping more or less nonstop
he is too busy boning his stolen wife
but then he kind of forgets about her for a while
and about the child she is carrying
and she gives birth to this little kid
named Arthur
and all of a sudden Merlin appears like
OH A BABY
DON’T MIND IF I DO
YOINK
and everyone is kind of perplexed by this
but they have learned not to fuck with Merlin
because fucking with Merlin is how you get turned into frogs
and then pretty soon after that Uther dies
probably from venereal disease but it could be anything

so the moral of the story
is if you want to basically just do what you want all the time
be a wizard
they seem to have that shit on lockdown

The End.

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13 thoughts on “Uther Pendragon is basically Zeus

  1. oh shit.
    this is a whole new category.
    do Gawain and the Green Knight!
    do Lancelot and Elaine and make sure you consult TH White.
    and definitely do Mordred. incest ftw.

  2. Yeah I'm about to add this to the Smorgasbord page. I have a whole library of this shit at my house, actually more than I have about Greek shit.

  3. My favorite batch of legends EVAR!!! Thank you! (And I have had a seriously fucked up week, too, so this is almost like a prize for surviving all the shit of this week.)

    Only one tiny thing:

    "and she gets preggers
    and then Arthur proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
    all across england"

    Arthur s/b Gorlois, I think?

    Random bit of no-one-cares: Although I was not named after the Arthurian character, I fell head-over-heels into Arthurian legends from about age 8. When I was pregnant, I decided to name my child, if it was a girl, after one of the main Arthurian players (NOT Queen Gwen). But it was a boy, so I didn't. Then I got divorced and didn't want to keep my ex-husband's name, but my maiden name was quite a pisser too so I didn't want to go back to that either, so I actually had my last name legally changed to the name that I was going to name my kid. THAT is how much I love Arthurian legends! And now I love them even more.

    I am loving this site more and more every day.

  4. Oh shit Elayne, thanks for pointing out the error. It should actually be Uther. I made that mistake like twelve thousand times while I was writing this. Also glad this myth helped neuter your wretched week.

  5. heh I caught my own error right after I posted. Muphry's law, yes? "If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written."

    I blame the alcohol, and since I haven't been drinking any yet, I had better get started.

  6. Hi! I was directed here by Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics.. Just wanna say, this is freaking fantastic, thanks so much for making my day :D

  7. Pingback: Alcmene Gets Doubleteamed | Myths RETOLD

  8. Pingback: King Arthur, in: BONER BUNGLE | Myths RETOLD

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