The Silmarillion: Five Battles is TOO MANY BATTLES

So I figured it out
I figured out why the war with Morgoth is so slow
think about it
elves are immortal
if nobody stabs them
they don’t die
EVER
so the only time a battle ever happens
is when a bunch of elves gets tired of living
which seems to happen like once every two or three hundred years

anyway, Morgoth has just busted the siege the elves were laying
by shooting a hot ball of sharp jizzy death out of his fortress
and now there’s werewolves and shit everywhere
and even minus one Silmaril, Morgoth is looking PRETTY THREATENING
so finally Maedhros
who has more reason to hate Morgoth than most
because he had to CUT OFF HIS OWN HAND to escape Morgoth’s torture
is like FUCK THIS
WE NEED TO MAKE AN ARMY AND FUCKING KILL THIS DUDE
IT WILL BE SO MUCH MORE AWESOME TO BE IMMORTAL
ONCE WE DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS GUY EVERY CENTURY OR TWO

so he goes around convincing elves to join his army
but here’s the problem
Maedhros is one of Feanor’s kids
and everyone is still pissed at Feanor for the whole boat burning thing
so almost all of the elves are sworn not to help Maedhros
and those who aren’t
are either pissed off at Maedhros for demanding the Silmaril from them
or unwilling to help because they live in Turgon’s secret base.
But he’s still got Fingon, high king of the Noldor
plus all the Dwarves
and most of the humans
and when they’re on their way to stomp Morgoth
Turgon changes his mind and sends all his dudes to come help too
plus they’ve got a great plan
where Fingon draws out Morgoth’s forces
and then Maedhros comes up and takes those forces from behind
in a classic surprise-butt-fuck I mean pincer maneuver
so all in all it’s not looking too bad.

Here’s the problem though:
there’s still like another hundred pages in this book
and shit has to get way worse before it’s over.
Morgoth finds out about the plan
so he mind controls a bunch of shitty humans from the east side
to come west and join the army against him
just so they can betray it.
They do this in several stages:

STAGE ONE:
Some shitty dude named Uldor the Accursed
(why would you let a dude with that name in your army?)
goes to Maedhros like DUDE
SLOW DOWN
GRAB THE WALL
MORGOTH’S ON HIS WAY TO MAKE YOUR ASS FALL OFF
and Maedhros does indeed slow down
which means Fingon is left holding his dick in front of Morgoth’s fortress
waiting for his bro to show up for the pincer maneuver

STAGE TWO:
Morgoth sends a portion of his force out to taunt Fingon
they march out and stand just downhill from the allied army
waving their butts and being totally rude
but Fingon is like guys
we’re up on a hill
if they wanna attack us up on the hill we will RUIN them
don’t look at their rude butts
just stay cool.
But then the orcs send a couple of dudes up the hill
like OH HAI THERE
WE HAVE A PRISONER OF YOURS
WATCH WHILE WE TAKE OFF ALL HIS ARMS AND LEGS
DOES THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY?
And the brother of the dude they are dismembering
is like WHY YES IT DOES
CHAAAAAAAARGE
and all the elves are like oh shit are we charging now?
ok
and then BATTLE IS HAPPENING

STAGE 3:
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
The elves are doing awesome in the battle
their swords are mad shiny and that is an advantage
but then all of a sudden
some of those shitty humans start stabbing the wrong people
and the elves and dwarves and other humans are like WTF
NO TEAMKILLING

But it’s too late
the team gets slaughtered
Morgoth wins
and all that’s left are Turgon’s guys from the secret base
who are trying to hold a mountain pass
along with some humans
and the humans are like DUDE JUST LEAVE
and Turgon’s like NO I’M NOT GONNA LEAVE
and the humans are like THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SECRET BASE IS
YOU CAN TOTALLY HIDE THERE AND BE FINE
and Turgon is like oh yeah ok
totally leaving.

So he leaves
and all the humans die
and then the orcs take all the corpses from the battle
and just make a big ol huge pile of corpses
so big as to be visible from the remaining elf lands.
it makes the elves really sad
and the orcs are actually kind of creeped out by it too
to the point that none of them walk there ever again
but then some grass grows on it
and it actually ends up being the nicest place in Morgoth’s territory

so the moral of the story
is that when life gives you corpses
make landscaping decisions.

TO BE CONTINUED
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY)

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5 thoughts on “The Silmarillion: Five Battles is TOO MANY BATTLES

    • When he said Molly my mind automatically went to Sherlock BBC because I am trash and then you said ‘sweet as hell’ and my mind- Molly Hooper- error, error
      Mind is currently buffering, please wait…

  1. I am still reading as usual, though Silmarillion just makes me confused with its thousands of characters.

    Anyway, your Indonesian myth portofolio is a bit lacking, so whenever you feel like it, I found a great one that sounds right up your alley.

    http://www.belajaringgris.net/cerita-rakyat-lutung-kasarung-dalam-bahasa-inggris-1944.html

    It’s about love between human and a random monkey and a classic evil sister. Do consider it.

    Oh and happy birthday, Bettermyths guy’s mom!

  2. as another person who goes by Molly, I know this wasn’t for my birthday or anything, but since I didn’t really celebrate my birthday this year (back March-ways), it makes me feel good, and I want to say thank-you.
    Thank you!!

  3. Pingback: Turin is like a Macbeth wrapped in an Oedipus | Myths RETOLD

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