J.R.R. Tolkein is a Goddamn Copy-Catter

fuck guys
fine
i get it
you want more Silmarillion
or if you don’t
you didn’t express your opinion loud enough
welcome to the internet
you have wandered into one of the bad parts

so when last we left our heroes
Feanor was burning bridges with the other half of his family
and by bridges i mean boats
and by burning
i mean actually fucking burning
he burned his boats
with fire
for real
what the perfect fuck
guys
you know what I want
more than almost everything else in the world besides infinite blowjobs?
A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT
and this dude is just setting them on fire for laffs
like i get it dude
you don’t want to give your bro Fingolfin a ride over to your side of ice hell
but you could just
you know
NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE
you don’t have to set fire to a bunch of perfectly good boats
god

anyway then Feanor is like EXCELLENT
THOSE PUSS-CLOWNS WERE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOAL:
AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON MORGOTH’S IMPREGNABLE STRONGHOLD
WITH ONLY HALF OF OUR TOTAL FORCES
then he unleashes his fearsome war cry
which if you haven’t guessed by now
sounds like this:
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so he gets his ass handed to him
his literal ass gets literally handed to him
like a balrog lops it off with one of those crazy fire whips
and is like here dude
you seem to have dropped this
maybe because you were so distracted by all those mortal wounds you have
anyway have fun dying
and Feanor is like NO
and then he dies
but not before he makes all his sons swear to continue his dumb quest forever
because heaven forbid we let Morgoth have some fuckin shiny jewels or whatever
also when Feanor dies
he is so full of rage that his corpse seriously catches on fire and burns to cinders
so that part is rad at least

but then Morgoth sends a messenger like “hey guys, truce?”
and they’re all like haha we’ll totally bring a bigass army to the truce and fuck up Morgoth’s shit
but it turns out Morgoth was planning to do the EXACT SAME THING
only he betrays them harder than they betray him
because that’s what he do
and he ends up killing the whole ambush party and taking this dude Maedhros hostage
and hanging him from a rock
then all Feanor’s sons are like shit
maybe we should chill out for a while

meanwhile, Fingolfin and co are chilling out in a more literal way
they have made it across the gigantic hockey field of pain that is the northern passage
and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck
shit
up
but then they get there and Feanor is dead
and Maedhros is captured
so instead of immediately killing each other
they kinda set up camp next to each other and it’s super awkward
and it’s at this point that Morgoth decides to fuck environmental regulations
and just start polluting like a mofo
so the sun is all blotted out
and dudes are miserable

Enter Fingon
Fingon feels like shit
because everyone’s fighting and he’s a wuss who doesn’t like fighting
so without consulting anyone
he decides to go rescue Maedhros
(Maedhros is one of Feanor’s sons, and Fingon is one of Fingolfin’s)
so he sneaks into Morgoth’s house to go get Maedhros
but he can’t find Maedhros cause Morgoth is not a dumbass who just leaves prisoners lying around
so basically what he does
is he hunkers down in a hidden crevice in Morgoth’s mountain fortress
and he dusts off his best singin’ voice
and he’s like
“SHE’S SO:”
and then he waits
with bated breath
until at last
almost imperceptibly
he hears the familiar voice of his long-lost friend, echoing down the halls:
“…HEAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
and that’s how he finds Maedhros

but Maedhros is chained to a rock
(HEY, JUST LIKE PROMETHEUS)
and he’s so miserable he just wants to be killed
so Fingon is like aw shit cuz
lemme take care of that for you
and he’s about to shoot Maedhros in the face with his bow
except that’s when Manwe, INSANELY PASSIVE KING OF THE VALAR, finally decides to intervene
see, Manwe knows what’s going on right now
because all the birds in the world fly back to him and tell him what’s up
(HEY, JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ ODIN)
so when Fingon lets his arrow loose
a fuckin EAGLE flies out of nowhere and grabs that shit and carries it away
and Fingon is like aw fuck
sorry about that, Maedhros
lemme just get another arrow real quick…
and Maedhros is like no no no dude
probably it’s a sign from the gods or something
totally a sign from the gods
and Fingon is like okay I guess
but they still can’t figure out how to set Maedhros free
cause fingon didn’t think to bring a metal file on his dungeon quest
so finally they come up with what they probably should have tried straight away
they cut off Maedhros’s shackled hand at the wrist
so he can just leave
and then he learns to wield his sword with his other hand
and rapidly becomes the biggest badass the world has ever seen
(OH HEY EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
BUT HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF A FELLOW NAMED TYR?
WHAT THE FUCK TOLKIEN
WHAT, OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AREN’T ENOUGH?
YOU’VE GOT TO STEAL YOUR *IDEAS* TOO?
FOR REAL DOG
IT TAKES SOME SERIOUS NARRATIVE SKILL
TO STEAL THREE OF THE RADDEST CHARACTERS FROM MYTHOLOGY
AND CRAM THEM ALL INTO A SIX MILLION PAGE LEVIATHAN OF A STORY
THAT STILL SOMEHOW LACKS ANY QUALITY SEXY TIMES
BESTIALITY
EXPLOSIONS
DICK JOKES
OR BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A PROPER NOUN
OR A SYNONYM FOR A PROPER NOUN
THAT IS IN ITSELF
ALSO
A PROPER
FUCKING
NOUN.
CLOSE PARENTHESES.

anyway once Maedhros is back he’s like guys
Fingon totally saved my bacon
maybe we should stop hating each other
i mean true, he did cut off my hand
but darth vader did that shit to luke skywalker
and he was that dude’s DAD
so i think we can learn to forgive and forget
so let’s put our differences aside
and focus one what’s really important:
stealing back our shiny jewels from Fantasy Satan

so the moral of this part of the story
is that sometimes cutting off your friend’s hand
is exactly what you need to do to save your friendship
but it’s like
SUPER context-dependent

TO BE CONTINUED

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8 thoughts on “J.R.R. Tolkein is a Goddamn Copy-Catter

  1. “and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck”

    I was like “huh, I don’t remember that in the book at all”
    then I read down a line.

  2. TO BE CONTINUED? Yes, there’s nothing that I enjoy more than making you read and write about the Silmarillion.

  3. Tolkien liked Norse stuff so well, he translated one of the Norse sagas into readable English, and there’s all the weird stuff you could ever want. I mean, there’s a chick who’s trying to find her brother, and decided to do this by taking the form of an elf. She runs into a dwarf and they have sex – only to find out later that the dwarf was her brother in disguise, and now she’s pregnant with his son. They don’t even bother to hide the parentage of the kid, not even to the kid, who outright calls his dad “Father-Uncle” in public. Some Norse stuff would probably make George R.R. Martin puke in revulsion.

    • Well, hey, that’s not fair. Sometimes, when you’re dressed as a dwarf, and some hot ass elf comes on to you, only for you to discover that it’s your sister looking for his brother because you didn’t tell anyone you were gonna go cosplay as Gimli, that shit happens, ya know?

      I’m pretty sure that they all felt really bad about it for, like, a whole minute afterwards, before the old Norse recipe for Instant-Fucks was discovered to be a lie. Cause, seriously, who cares who the kids dad is if he’s a Viking. He’s still a Viking which means if anyone’s disgusted they know exactly who to tell.

      • Speaking of dwarves and vikings…
        Tolkien’s “dwarven script”?
        Yeah those are Futhark Runes.
        AKA Viking Script..
        It’s like tarot cards but with stones. And also it’s an alphabet.
        So yeah he REALLY liked the Norse.

  4. Pingback: The Silmarillion: Five Battles is TOO MANY BATTLES | Myths RETOLD

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