Welp
as long as I’m doing superheroes
here’s another good one:

So Peter Parker is a big honkin’ nerd
this is a dude who has a pocket protector for his pocket protector
a graphing calculator watch
and glasses so thick it is a wonder that they do not fricassee his eyes like wayward ants
this dude is a capital N-E-R-D NERD
and as a nerd he of course has terrible hygiene
(yep
gonna go ahead and alienate my whole fanbase right about now
look out)
so naturally he has insects crawling all over him all the time
and this is why
when his class takes a field trip to a really catastrophically unsafe science lab
– that is full of nuclear weapons and spiders
that they keep RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON –
all the spiders decide to throw a party on Peter’s face
and one of them bites him
and of course the one that bites him is RADIO-FUCKING-ACTIVE
so he gets leukemia

oh no wait
i read that wrong
it says he gets SUPERPOWERS
he gets all the superpowers that spiders have normally
like the ability to shit webs
and suck the juice out of living victims
and scare the shit out of me and crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping
if only peter parker had been bitten by a radioactive bear things might have been different
but then again
if he had been bitten by a bear
he probably wouldn’t have lived
because a bear
is ACTUALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS.

anyway, having spider powers is better than having no powers at all
so Peter Parker figures he owes a debt to society
a debt that can only be paid
BY UNDERGROUND CAGE WRESTLING
(or reality TV, depending on the version you’re reading)
but either way
he’s making bank
and then one day he lets some robber rob some dudes
because he doesn’t feel like getting in the way
but then joke’s on him
because that robber goes on to CARJACK AND MURDER PETER’S UNCLE
who is basically like his dad, really
because his real dad is dead
and now his uncle-dad is dead too
so that sucks

but WAIT!
before Peter’s uncle dies
he’s like PETER LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
WITH GREAT POWER
COMES GREAT
TIMES
BUT ALSO A GREAT EXCUSE TO KICK ASSES IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE
and Peter Parker
or should I say
SPIDERMAN
is like THOSE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY
THANKS, UNCLE BEN
and then he goes on to have a lot of adventures
that involve a whole lot of really factually inaccurate science
and anatomically inaccurate babes
and he takes pictures for a newspaper and never stops trying to quit being a superhero

so the moral of the story
is that there is no rhyme or reason
to who ends up with superpowers.

The end.

So Batman
fuck yeah
today we are talking about Batman
but wait
slow your roll
because at the beginning of this story
this dude we are talking about
he ain’t even CALLED batman yet
because what the fuck kind of thing would that be to name your kid?
well okay, that’s not a fair question
it’s a totally rad thing to name a kid
(boy, girl, hermaphrodite, minotaur)
batman is always appropriate as a name for anything that you want to totally rock
but that is only because THIS DUDE
(whose name is BRUCE WAYNE)
WENT OUT OF HIS WAY
TO MAKE BATMAN A SAFE AND SWEET NAME FOR EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH.
He did this by having his parents murdered in front of him.

What’s that you say?
“Having your parents murdered in front of you is totally lame and not sweet at all?”
THAT IS A VERY INSENSITIVE THING TO SAY AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
but I am glad you said that because I was about to say the same thing
but as a rhetorical device though, not a legitimate statement
which I was then going to answer like so:
ahem

IT IS TOTALLY SWEET AND NOT LAME BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GET MURDERED AFTER AN OPERA
WHERE THEY WENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER WEALTHY AND OWN COMPANIES AND SHIT.
Wait, wait
still lame.
Uh…
oh yeah
and they were killed for like NO REASON.
Nope, still lame.
…
They were killed by a dude named Joe Chill?
AWRIIIIIIGHT!

So Joe Chill stabs this dude’s parents
which is a particularly un-chill thing to do
but then again,
what kind of name is Joe Chill?
That’s almost as bad as Batman.
A name like that is practically BEGGING you to stab some dude’s parents.
like “Why do they call you Joe Chill, huh?”
“CAUSE I STAB DUDES’ PARENTS.”
Right.

Look, let’s move on.
even though Bruce Wayne sure as shit ain’t moving on.
He is so stuck on this shit
that he decides to devote his whole life to fighting crime
so he can prevent random murders of opera-going rich-folk like his hardworking billionaire parents.
To that end, he uses a bunch of company funds to go on vacation for a while
and also get super buff
and then he comes back home
back to his wisecracking butler, Alfred
because yeah
dude has a butler
also a giant superhero cave under his house
and a mansion and yachts and DASHING GOOD LOOKS.
Dude has the hookups, is what I’m saying.

Here is what he does with those hookups:
HE USES THEM FOR GOOD
because I am assuming he got all the coke and whores out of his system during his long absence
or maybe he got them into his system
that is probably more like what happened.
How do you get hookers into your system?
don’t think too hard about that one.
ANYWAY
He starts fighting crime
and at first the police are like HELL NAWWW
but then later, they’re like AWWW YEAH
and they make a big spotlight that has a bat on it
because OH YEAH I FORGOT
Bruce Wayne totally has a theme going on
and the theme is bats
because one night he’s like “Man,
I’m super ripped and I have all these high-tech gadgets and a superhero cave
but you know what I don’t have?
A really dumb costume”
and then SCREE-BAM
here comes a bat flying in through his window
like bats tend to do
and Bruce is like “GODDAMN BAT BROKE MY WINDOW
ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT WINDOW, BAT?”
and the bat is like “I’M A BAT, MOTHERFUCKER.
BATS DON’T PAY FOR SHIT.”
And Bruce Wayne is like “holy shit, that’s perfect
I will aspire to have all the cunning and ingenuity of a man
coupled with all the don’t-give-a-fuck of a bat.
I will call myself … bat … man
because it’s like 3AM and I still gotta clean up all this glass
and I’m pretty drunk and I don’t like thinking”
and then he gets a sweet costume and an army of bats and a bird-themed twink to haul around
and suddenly it’s okay to name your babies Batman.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t worry about bettering your community
that’s for crazy billionaires in animal suits to take care of.

The End.

Okay
today I am very very tired
and I have hours of homework to do before I go to sleep
and I do not feel like doing research
so instead
I am going to tell you a story from my life
and if you have a problem with that
well
you can go re-read any of the 300-plus myths I already done told
I’m doing something different today, ok?
if we were in a committed romantic relationship, you and me
and instead of telling you myths I was having sex with you
well..
okay
first of all don’t take that metaphor the wrong way
but second of all I bet you would be POSITIVELY OVERJOYED
at the thought of me mixing shit up a little bit in the bedroom
because frankly I am pretty bad at sex
no matter how many songs I have written to the contrary
and really I’m just grateful you’ve agreed to sleep with me at all, dear reader
wait
look
okay
nevermind

SO THIS IS A STORY FROM WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO
this was what
like almost a year ago, now?
jeeze.
anyway, when I first moved to chicago I was staying in a pretty bad neighborhood
because I was waiting to move into an apartment i’d found
in a slightly less pretty bad neighborhood
and being a dumbass
I was headed back to the house one night at 3AM
walking down the sidewalk
and this skinny white dude with cornrows walks up next to me
like “Hey dude
wanna buy a gun?”
And I’m like “Uh
no!
Thank you!”
And he’s like “Oh ok.
…
Are you sure?”
And I’m like “yep! Thanks anyway!”
So he’s like “Ok, cool.”
Then he stops walking and I keep walking.

So I make it about another half a block when the dude catches up to me
he basically just runs up next to me and starts listing the features of the gun
he’s like “Dude, it’s a semiautomatic, colt 45, 13 in the clip, shoots hollow bees at your enemies”
whatever, I don’t know what guns are like
he was saying SOMETHING, is the point
and I’m just like “Really man, I appreciate your sales pitch, but I’m good
I sincerely do not need a firearm at this time.”
So he’s like “Alright, alright.
Well lemme ask you something then:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”
So I think about the all of ten dollars I have in my wallet
and my no job
and the fact that this is already MAXIMALLY SHADY
and I say “Nah man, I’m sorry.”
so he steps around in front of me
and now I can see where his shirt’s tucked in over the gun he tried to sell me
and he’s like “Alright now I’m gonna ask you one more time
and I want you to be straight with me cause I don’t wanna have to put a couple in ya:
You got any money?
Cause I’m try’na get something to eat.”

Well fuuuuuuuuck.
This is what happens when you come home at 3AM, my friends
but like I said
I am a dumbass
so I think on my feet
and my feet, you see, don’t have shoes on them
because I don’t wear shoes
(this is a fact you should know about me, and now you do)
so I’m like “Man, I already got mugged.
See? They took my shoes!”
And he’s like “Well why didn’t they take your bag?”
pointing, of course, to the leather satchel I’m carrying
and also the bag of art supplies I just bought at Blick.
Nice.
But I’m already lying to the dude, I might as well own it
so I say “you wanna look in my bag? There is NOTHING worth taking in my bag.”
And he’s like “Nah man, it’s cool. But what about THAT?”
(he’s pointing at my cell phone, which is bulging in my pocket)
and at this point, against all odds, I’m starting to get angry
so I pull out my phone
which is this battlescarred piece of shit
that I have at various points used as both a juggling prop and a weapon for beaning cats with
and I’m like “Do you want my shitty phone? Here. Take my shitty phone.”
and he’s like “Nah man, I don’t want your shitty phone.
What about your wallet?”
And I’m like “Uh… they took my wallet
you know
when they mugged me?”
And he’s like “WHAT ABOUT YOUR WALLET??”
And I’m thinking “fuck, okay
it is better to lose my wallet than get shot and maybe death-humped by this crazy asshole
so I fish out my wallet and I hand it to him
and he opens it up
and he pulls out the ten dollars that are in there
and he’s like “Ten dollars?”

“I don’t want your ten dollars”
and he puts the money back in my wallet and hands it to me like it stinks
and then he turns around and walks away
and I’m basically about to shit myself at this point, obviously
when he turns around and he’s like “Hey man
are you staying around here?”
And I’m like “Yeah, why?”
And he’s like “My name’s Keith. I live at this house right over here.
If you ever need anything, hit me up!”
And I’m like “Alright man… will do…”
Then he’s like “Hey, did somebody really steal your shoes?”
And like I said, I was already committed to the lie so I’m like “Yeah, man.”
of course he asks me what kind of shoes they were
so I stutter a little bit and then tell him I’m a rare shoe collector
and that they were a limited edition pair of jordans
at which point he tells me he probably knows who took them
and that we can go over to their house right now
and beat the shit out of them and get my shoes back.
I had to talk him down and convince him that I had plenty more shoes back home.
Then he tried to sell me weed.
I do not know where he thought I was going to get the money.
He had, after all, seen my wallet.

So, I guess the moral of the story
is that the most effective anti-theft measure
is being poor.

The end.

Okay so there’s this train

actually, it is just the front of a train
i think it is called a steam engine or a mechano-bear or something
but this engine has a problem
it is REALLY SMALL
and that wouldn’t be so bad
except it also has FEELINGS
and FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
and this shit is getting too real for me
trains can think now?
trains are people?
fuck man
if I’m inside a train, does that mean I am getting digested?
is everyone who has ever ridden Amtrak secretly just TRAIN POOP?
Put these questions out of your minds, my friends
they will interfere with the enjoyment of this story

okay
so we’re just going along with the whole talking trains thing
and one day
at the train place
there is this big long train
but without the steam engine part
just the back part of the train with all the zoo animals in it
or whatever else they put in trains that is less cool than zoo animals
and this train is like HEY ENGINES
WHO WANTS TO TOW ME UP THAT MASSIVE HILL OVER THERE
and at first it is addressing this question to one of the bigass freight engines
one of the ones that comes equipped with like ONE HO-JILLION BEARPOWER
but that engine is just like NO WAY DUDE
I JUST CLOCKED OUT
I AM ABOUT TO GO HOME
GET A NICE SCRUB-DOWN
AND GET BUSY WITH MY TRAIN-WIFE
holy shit guys
I know I said I wasn’t gonna bring up the whole anthropomorphic train thing again
but does this mean that train crashes are actually train SEX?
WHY DO SO MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FOR YOUR PLEASURE, DEMON TRAINS
IS THE LOVE TRAIN STILL THE LOVE TRAIN IF THE TRACKS ARE SMEARED WITH BLOOD????

so anywayyyyyyyy
then the traincars turn to ANOTHER bigass engine
like hey handsome
I bet YOU want to tow me up that hill
but that engine is WAYYY POOPED
so he is just like fuck no
wait
did I say HE?
How can you tell whether a train is a dude or a chick?
is there such a thing as trainballs?
WHERE DOES IT END????

no no okay shhhh
so finally the traincars turn to this tiny little engine i introduced at the beginning of the story
and the traincars are like okay you puny bastard
do you want to tow me up that hill?
and the little engine is like DO I?
so he gets his little caboose all hooked up
and he starts chugging along
right up that hill
but here’s the thing
this dude is TINY
this is not what he was built for
but that is okay
because what he lacks in technical specifications
he more than makes up for in GUMPTION
WAIT
GUMPTION IS NOT A QUALITY TRAINS CAN HAVE
THEY ARE MACHINES
I DO NOT GO INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP AND SAY
WELL THIS CAR LOOKS GOOD BUT HOW MUCH GUMPTION DOES IT HAVE
but no one told that to this little engine apparently
because it is just chuffing the fuck out of this upward slope
muttering an inspirational phrase to itself
from the self-actualization class it enrolled in
because an inferiority complex brought on by its size
yeah
if it can have gumption it can sure as shit have psychological disorders
so the train is huffing and puffing and muttering
“I think i can i think i can i think i can i think i can”
NO YOU DON’T
YOU ARE A TRAIN
YOU CANNOT THINK
YOUR MENTAL PROCESSES ARE LIMITED TO A CEASELESS HUNGER FOR COAL
AND THE CAPACITY TO SHOVE ERRANT COWS OUT OF YOUR PATH
but holy christ on a gravyboat
apparently this shit ACTUALLY WORKS
the train gets up over the top of the hill
and then it’s coasting on down the other side
like “FUCK YEAH I KNEW IT”
and then the zoo animals get to the zoo on time and the children are pleased

so the moral of the story
is do not ride trains, because it is gross

THE END

OKAY GUYS CHECK IT OUT

There’s this mouse, right
his name it Jerry, which is a weird name for a mouse to have
maybe he stole it
this dude sure has no qualms about stealing, I will tell you that
in fact what is he doing right now?
Oh
oh
STEALIG
STEALIGN*
STEALINGGGGGG
cheese
he is stealing cheese
you can buy that at the store you stupid mouse
if you are fancy enough to have a person name
then you are fancy enough to eat in restaurants and shop at grocery stores
leave us alone
but NOOOOOO
Jerry decides to scurry out of his little mousehole
and climb onto the dinner table with DISTINCTLY UNMOUSELIKE DEXTERITY
THERE IS NOTHING MOUSELIKE ABOUT JERRY MOUSE
HE WALKS ON TWO LEGS AND HE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS
LOOK
I MADE A CHART:

So Jerry is busy scurrying up the inside of the uncanny valley
and meanwhile there’s this other dude
Tom
Tom Cat
now you might be thinking to yourself
“Gosh, with a name like Tom Cat, he must be a cat!”
WRONG
There is nothing less catlike in the whole world than Tom motherfucking cat
he is like if you took off a cat’s skin
draped it over a bicycle
and then taught the bicycle to be an idiot
that is a bad metaphor but you get what I’m trying to say

so basically what happens
is Tom tries EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to get laid
And Jerry
well
he starts out trying to get food
but after about TEN FUCKING SECONDS
his motivation changes from “basic survival”
to “force Tom Cat to eat himself.”
and this only works because Tom is obligingly ignorant of his own anatomy
all you gotta do is like
put his tail between some breadslices
or inside a pineapple
and suddenly he is ALL OVER THAT SHIT
he could be HOLDING IT IN HIS FUCKING HANDS THE WHOLE TIME
THE SECOND HE LOOKS OVER AND SEES SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON THAT SHIT
ALL BETS ARE OFF
OBJECT PERMANENCE:
INVENTED TO PREVENT THIS EXACT SITUATION
ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I DOUBT EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT OF DESIGNERS
COULD HAVE FORESEEN A SITUATION
WHERE SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO BE DISCOURAGED
FROM EATING THEIR OWN FUCKING BODY
i am beginning to develop a theory about Tom and Jerry
I will tell you in a minute

So Tom eventually forgets about trying to get laid
mainly because he is a terrible sex man
because he is a cat that walks on two legs
and smokes cigars and has no dick
and at that point he becomes totally consumed with trying to murder Jerry
this is always the story
this is the sad tableau that they rehash every day of their wacky, wacky lives
maybe they are ice skating
maybe they are on the moon
perhaps there is a dog involved
it doesn’t matter
because Tom is a relentless idiot
Jerry is a professional bastard
The cat will eventually eat his whole body
the mouse will get diabetes
and neither of them will ever realize
that they are the byproduct
of a horrible experiment designed to make indestructible dickless mammals
for use in war and cereal advertisements

so the moral of the story
is cartoons are a conspiracy
everything you enjoyed as a child is a lie

You’re Welcome.

Okay so there’s some dudes right
they’re in england and they hate it and I don’t blame them
England sucks
happy america day assholes
So then they leave in some boats
and they go hit up amsterdam
because they hear that is where they grow the good weed
but then their kids start to do really terrible shit
like learn dutch
and maybe not be super christian all the time?
and no amount of good weed is worth that
so they get on some MORE boats
called the Mayflower and the Speedwell
and they sail to AMERICA
except apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironically
and it is actually a slow as shit loserbarge
and it has to go home early and miss the america party
except it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty party
because step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVER
getting hungry and perpetually seasick
but at least someone has the good sense to poop out a baby
which they name OCEANUS
which is OBJECTIVELY RAD
but that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole story
because when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTER
like if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suit
and team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams
all over this damn country
and see they were kind of hoping to find some like
good wholesome christian white folks
in gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleys
and instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTER
ALL DAY
ALL THE TIME
ALSO ALL NIGHT
and a ton of people die
because that’s what winter is all about

but some people survive the winter
including BRAVE CAPTAIN MILES STANDISH
and he goes out and finds him some Indians
because remember
everyone still thinks they’re in india I guess?
and one of the indians is I guess named Squanto
and that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEY
and the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIAN
WE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS SOLID YOU HAVE DONE US
AND PAY YOU BACK IN KIND FOREVER AND EVER
and then later all the crops sprout
and the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeys
also some deers
and then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODY
and all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eat
and everyone is so super jazzed about all this food
that they do not stop partying for THREE DAYS
and there are NINETY DUDES
and HOLY CRAP THAT IS A PARTY
and then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was great
but we’re totally killing you now
you know
for your land
and the indians are like haha joke’s on you
you can’t kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRST
and then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearly
on an arbitrary thursday
by producing more food than they can possibly consume
and then goading each other into eating it
also: Families!

so the moral of the story
is next time you wanna have a party
but you are worried that you do not have a good enough reason
maybe just
have a party
seriously
your reasoning can’t be any worse than these pilgrim dudes

THE END.

(I actually really like thanksgiving though)

So telling that last myth reminded me of a less depressing version of the same myth
it is from America
specifically new york

SO
there’s this dude Rip Van Winkle
he’s a pretty decent motherfucker
always mowing his neighbors’ lawns
fixing their roofs
drinking their booze
but see the problem with Rip Van Winkle
is that he is only capable of doing things
that IN NO WAY BENEFIT HIM
he can’t mow his own lawn
he can’t fix his own roof
and he’d probably drink his own booze
except he can’t afford any BECAUSE HE HAS NO JOB
so mainly he just wanders around town with his dog
named wolf
which is a shitty name for a dog
but probably an even shittier name for a wolf
unless it’s Wolf from Starfox
but i think he’s called StarWolf
wait shit is that what he’s actually called
or am I making that up
if I am and that name isn’t taken
I am hereby changing my name to StarWolf
what an unbelievably sweet thing to be called

ANYWAY
Rip Van Winkle has a wife
i forget what her name is
so we will just call her Bitchingstein Don Crunk
because this woman is currently working on her master’s thesis
in applied bitchology
all like BLUH BLUH BLUH
WHY DONT YOU GET A JOB SO WE CAN FEED OUR CHILDREN
AND/OR NOT BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
YOU SEE THIS
THIS IS ME BEING UNREASONABLE
but Rip isn’t fazed by her henpeckery
one day he is just like fuck you know what
i don’t have to listen to this shit
i’m gonna go wander around with my dog
IN THE WOODS

so he’s wandering around in the woods and he sees this dude
who is struggling uphill with a MASSIVE BARREL OF BOOZE
and Rip is like hey buddy
looks like you’re having some trouble with all that booze
it looks pretty heavy
maybe I ought to help you carry that
PERHAPS WITH MY MOUTH
or i guess I could just use my hands
that too
so they carry the keg to the top of the mountain
where there is this cave
and inside the cave
there are a bunch of weird motherfuckers
just hanging out
you know
bowling
and no one is saying anything
so Rip is just like ok guys
i’m just gonna take position right next to this booze here
and drink myself senseless
please continue bowling to indicate that you are fine with this
and they keep bowling
and Rip Van Winkle drinks until he blacks out
and when he wakes up
he’s got like a ten foot beard
and his hunting rifle has rusted away
and his dog is missing
(fun fact: his dog is actually dead)
and he is like fuuuuuck
i think i might have had too much to drink
WELP
time to go back to town and return to my ordinary life
so he goes back to town
and he doesn’t recognize a SINGLE PERSON
and he is like what the fuck is this shit
and everyone is like who the fuck are you
and he is like I’M A LOYAL FOLLOWER OF THE KING OF ENGLAND
and everyone is like WRONG MOVE ASSHOLE
because see Rip has been asleep for TWENTY FUCKING YEARS
and during that time the american revolution happened
so people are no longer down with King George
they are all about George Washington
but really it doesn’t matter at all and pretty soon everyone stops giving a shit
and Rip moves in with his daughter
who is now conveniently old enough for him to leech off of
and he finds another dog
and he basically goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before he left
with the added bonus that now his wife is dead

so the moral of the story
is if everyone is yelling at you for being irresponsible
try being MORE irresponsible
and maybe they will all die while you are in a coma

the end.

Alright guys
this is my last post for a while
(read: until New Year’s)
and the first break I have taken
EVER
so get your tear gland lubed up
and also
get your typing fingers lubed up
because if you guys send me sweet guest myths during the break
i will totally post them
and you will get to be
INTERNET FAMOUS?
seriously my email is bettermyths@gmail.com

Anyway so here’s a thing

It’s the night before christmas, right?

I mean actually i am aware that it is like a week before christmas
this is what is called poetic license guys
anyway there’s this house
and everybody in it
is passed right the fuck out
what did they eat?
it’s probably like 10PM and everyone is giving 110% in the snore olympics
seriously even the mice are asleep
mice are basically nocturnal
what is wrong with this house
is it cursed?
are they pumping carbon monoxide through the air ducts?
is this just a prelude to a horrible christmas day nightmare?
no probably not because this is a poem for children
anyway there are a bunch of socks stapled to the fireplace
and the children are hallucinating about dancing plums or some shit
but their parents don’t give a shit because they are also asleep
and this is when shit starts to go sour
because see at this point in the story
some serious ruckus occurs in the vicinity of the lawn
we are talking professional grade ruckus
this is the kind of ruckus that they pack into boxes
load into trucks
and bring
to professional wrestling matches
when additional ruckus supplies are necessary
so the man of the house wakes up like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
BETTER GO CHECK THE WINDOW
and he looks outside
and clearly his children are not the only ones hallucinating
because he sees some FLYING REINDEER AND THIS FAT RED DUDE
ON AN EQUALLY LEVITATING SLEIGH
and he is like oh damn
oh shit oh damn oh shit
i know who that is
THAT’S SANTA CLAUS
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and not only can he see this dude
he can also hear what he is saying
santa claus is yelling at all his lazyass reindeer
INDIVIDUALLY
BY NAME
this is an inefficient way to run a sleigh
guys if I had a sleigh
with a bunch of unruly flying and occasionally glowing reindeer
I would just be like OY
ANIMALS
CONVEY ME
come on they’re fucking REINDEER
they can fly sure
but can they do calculus?
do they speak with words?
do they have feelings?
pardon me of I do not call a beast of burden by a name
that it CANNOT EVEN SPELL
so anyway he lands on this guy’s roof
and the guy is so jazzed about this
he runs downstairs to drop some serious eaves
and what does he find?
A SOOT-COVERED REVERSE BURGLAR SMOKING A PIPE IN HIS LIVING ROOM
but santa claus is prepared for this eventuality
he is just like dude its fine
only he doesn’t say it
he just communicates it using HOLIDAY MAGIC
and then he puts presents all over everything
and gets the fuck out of there
and flies away with his spooky christmas pegasi
all like MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES

so the moral of the story
is that Santa Claus is real
there are true EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS
IN RHYME NO LESS
so if you are not getting presents from him
you are probably just a huge asshole

Merry Christmas.