You may have heard this one

so there is this chick, right
her name is Thisbe
and there is also this dude
his name is Pyramus
this chick and this dude
they live in the same house
well actually like
two houses
with an adjoining wall
and their parents
for whatever reason
are all like nooooo you guys cannot bang ever
and pyramus and thisbe of course
take this as a challenge
and they start this love affair
through this one little crack
in one wall
in one room
of their two houses
(shakespeare calls it a chink but i think that is racist)
anyway after a while
pyramus gets tired of this shit
because i mean this is essentially the ancient equivalent
of phone sex
which is the 90s equivalent of cyber sex anyway
i wonder if they ever had telegraph sex
that would have been sick as hell
bitches gettin all tittilated in their petticoats
but yeah
pyramus is literally getting cockblocked by this wall
because the hole is apparently not big enough for his dick
which is another reason small penises are a survival trait
cause what happens next
is they arrange a place to meet
like to sneak out and meet up and do some serious bangin
so on the appointed night thisbe sneaks out
and she is so excited she shows up early
and then instead of pyramus showing up
there is a fucking LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
and thisbe is like HOLY FUCKING SHIT JESUS
and she distracts the fierce lion by throwing her veil at it
and then runs the fuck away
and the lion kind of wanders around and drinks some water
and then casually mauls the fuck out of the veil
and gets blood all over it somehow
i guess because it already had blood on its mouth
and only THEN does pyramus show up
because i guess he was not serious about getting his dick wet
like if it had been zeus instead of pyramus
he would have arrived so on-time he arrived TWICE
and then there would have been a threesome
ANYWAY he shows up and the lion is kind of just hanging out there
i guess this is the lion’s spot
fucking retards setting up a romantic meeting in a goddamn lion’s den
and pyramus sees the veil all mauled and bloody
and comes to the obvious conclusion
and stabs himself to death
so then of course
thisbe’s lust for pyramus’s manpole
overrides her fear of lions
and she comes back
and the lion is gone now anyway
i guess it got scared away by all the emo bullshit
and all that is there is pyramus’ stabbed corpse
and so thisbe comes to the obvious conclusion
and stabs HERSELF to death
and there is this mulberry bush nearby
and their blood gets all over the fruits
and that is why they are red now
so every time you eat a mulberry
if you ever do, because i sure fucking dont
just remember that you are eating retard blood

The End

Right so anyway

there is a dude named endymion
and no one is really sure where his is or what he does
because some people say he was like
a king
and some people say he herded sheep
and some people say he was an astronomer
and he is buried in two different places
so like shit is pretty vague
but lets just assume
for the purpose of this story
that he was some kind of stargazing
sheepherding
hunk of sexy man
i say the last part
because every night
when he would stare up at the stars and shit
Selene the titan who moves the moon would look down
and be like holy shit that is some tasty manmeat right there
hey handsome whats your name
but endymion does not respond
because he is not a CRAZY PERSON who hears VOICES COMING FROM THE MOON
so selene goes over to zeus
and is like hey zeus i need you to do me a favor
and make this one guy immortal for me
and zeus is like why should i
and selene is prolly like i’ll touch your penis
and zeus is like for how long
and selene is like 20 seconds
and zeus is like 30
and selene is like 14
and zeus is like SOLD
so zeus is kind of a prick about it though
and instead of just making endymion immortal
he puts him to sleep
forever
in a cave
but actually this works out pretty well for selene
because she is then free to daterape endymion endlessly
and in fact
she daterapes him a total of 50 times
and has 50 of his kids
thus ends history’s only account
of an astronomer getting laid

The End

Alright so we all know Zeus fucks a lot of chicks

but did you know that Zeus also fucks a lot of DUDES?!
Yes indeed
for example
there was this one dude named Ganymede
now Ganymede
he is not just any dude
he is the studliest man in the entire world basically
greek myth has a lot of these kinds of guys
like Adonis
and Narcissus
and i hear Achilles was pretty hot
to the point where
i think it just becomes a matter of personal preference
or maybe they were setting it up
for some kind of highlander thing
where there could be only one
but like with more man-on-man boning maybe?
and like it never got written?
or maybe it got written and then it got lost
or like burned
anyway
for the purposes of this myth lets say
that Ganymede is the studliest stud ever to stud the stud
if you know what i mean
and i am sure that you do
so zeus is going down his checklist of sentient beings to bang
and is like hmm this is odd
Ganymede sounds like a guy’s name
HOLY SHIT IT’S A GUY
LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT HIS PECS
I AM BOUT TO HIT THAT
LIKE A GODDAMN FREIGHT TRAIN
but wait
my wife can’t know about this
even though she already knows about like
the 9 billion other creatures i have put my dick in
i gotta be stealthy
so what does he do
he makes a bigass lighting storm over troy
where ganymede lives
and then he turns into an eagle
and goes screeching in
and kidnaps this kid
SUPER NINJA
not like hera is gonna be like oh wow
look at all that lightning
couldn’t possibly have anything to do with my husband
THE GOD OF MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTING
so zeus takes the kid up to mt olympus
and fucks him a bunch
and then is like shit i wanna keep this kid
but i don’t want my wife to know what’s going on
i know
I’ll give him a job so it looks like i just HIRED him
instead of kidnapping him
and then putting my dick in his butt
and also his mouth
and maybe he did some of that stuff to me as well
the myth is not clear on these points
definitely they at least slipped each other the tongue
no foolin
so the job zeus comes up with for the kid
is official CUP-BEARER for the gods of olympus
which just means that he serves the booze
Ganymede is really good at this job
cause all the gods think he is super hot
and also he invents MEAD
and he is still banging zeus
and every time he serves zeus his drinks
he kisses the edge of the cup
right in front of Hera and everything
like seriously
zeus is not very good at hiding his affairs
and so obviously hera gets pretty pissed
and is like GRR GONNA MURDER
and zeus is like nope can’t do that
i already made him immortal
suck on that
and hera says make me
and zeus says how about i just make Ganymede suck on that instead
and hera gets REALLY pissed off then
and is like well if i can’t kill Ganymede
i guess I’ll just have to settle for killing EVERYONE HE HAS EVER LOVED
and she gets everyone really pissed off at Troy
(not just for that reason though. it’s also because of that beauty contest and junk)
and everyone attacks troy
and burns it to the ground
and meanwhile zeus is busy turning Ganymede into a constellation
specifically aquarias
so the moral is
if you are pretty
you will get kidnapped by an eagle
and the eagle will sleep with you and you will become immortal

God Bless America

Ever heard of Arachne?

well you are ABOUT to hear of her
she was this chick
and her thing was to be incredibly good at weaving
she would just sit and weave all day
and everyone was like damn girl that is some fine-ass cloth you are weaving
and at first she was like
thank you for that lovely compliment
but later she was like
yeah i know
i’m totally the best weaver ever
BETTER
THAN
ANYBODY
and in a world without vengeful gods
that might have been the end of it
but this is ancient greece
where you cannot throw a fucking rock
without murdering a sacred snake
and getting your dick cut off
so it turns out
than in addition to being the goddess of wisdom and war
Athena is also the goddess of weaving
which i think suggests
that her domain
is things that start with the letter W
except that poseidon is the god of water?
great job athena
anyway athena gets pissed off because Arache is so goddam full of herself
and so she disguises herself as an old woman
and goes down to earth and is like
sup arachne
and arachne is like sup
have you heard that I am the greatest weaver even greater than Athena
and Athena says no bitch tell me more
and Arachne says well that’s basically it
i am the shit and that is not a lie
and Athena says i dunno i hear this athena is pretty great at weaving
and Arachne says oh yeah i could fucking take her
and then Athena morphs into Athena and is like BRING IT BIIIII
IIIIIII
IIIIIITCH
AND IT IS ON
THEY START WEAVING SO FUCKING HARD
THE CONTEST PROBABLY GOES ON FOR LIKE
8
WHOLE
DAYYYYS
they are straight up just weaving the fuck out of some tapestries
Athena is weaving a tapestry about how mortals should shut the fuck up
and show some respect
and Arachne is making a tapestry about the gods
basically being dicks
and fucking around
so essentially
they are having a rap battle
with STRING
and they finish weaving
and Athena is like alright bitch show me what you made
and she sees it and it is IMMACULATE
straight up
she cannot find a single flaw in this shit
so she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT
and is like okay if you’re so good at weaving weave up your FACE
and then she cuts Arachne’s FACE
and then breaks her loom and probably the chair she sat on too
and is like KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is all I will not kneel
and athena is all KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is like you know what
how about i hang myself how about that
and Athena says fine
and Arachne says fine
and she hangs herself
but then Athena gets all butthurt about it
and kind of feels bad
and so she goes over
and sprinkles her with the juice of this plant
called aconite
but also called blue rocket
which is way sweeter
and it makes arachne bald
and she shrinks
and her neck won’t fit in the noose anymore
and the noose becomes a web
and arachne turns into a spider
and athena looks at her
and she says
can’t even kill yourself right can you bitch

THE END

Fuckin’ Orpheus.

This dude has all the hookups
Seriously his mom is a muse
specifically the muse of singing
and when he is like five or something
Apollo shows up like WHAT UP
I AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF UR MOMS SISTERS
HEY DO YOU WANT A LYRE
by the way a lyre is some kind of instrument
like a fucking ultraharp or something
basically how it works
is if apollo gives you one you have a future in the music industry
so naturally at some point Orpheus just goes down to earth
and starts melting face with his amazing music
seriously this shit is fantastic
like so fantastic
that when Jason is getting some argonauts together
(argonauts are dudes who go around on a boat called the Argo)
to do some ridiculous adventuring
he is like
I know we are all seriously bad dudes on this ship
like with muscles and stuff
but you know what we need?
we need a dude with a lyre
and they get orpheus
and then
when they go past the sirens
who sing such sexy music that any dude who hears it
is like OH SHIT GOTTA GO DROWN MYSELF TRYING TO HIT THAT NOW
Orpheus hears that shit and goes aw hell no
and whips out his lyre
and solos SO HARD
that nobody can hear the sirens
and anyway nobody cares
because Orpheus is way fucking better than those skanks
so yeah that’s the kind of guy he is
and obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail like he is trying on costumes at the godzilla costume warehouse or something
but his favorite chick
for some reason
is this skirt named Eurydice
i don’t know that much about her
but probably she was pretty hot
because i mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rockstar
with like
additional rockstars taped to each of his fingers
he had his pick of the crop is what i’m saying
but she was not too bright
i know this because one day
when she and Orpheus were walking
on a mountain or something
she stepped on a whole fuckton of snakes
and the snakes killed her
this is what happens when you step on snakes
but Orpheus ain’t havin’ none of it
so he just sits down
and composes the ultimate emo symphony
which is so incredibly drenched in secret pain
and angst and nihilism
that all the gods are like fuck man
what are we going to do about this
and finally zeus comes down
and is like hey man
why is it that you demigods
are always doing things
which prevent me from laying down serious dick
really dude i cannot get these chicks in the mood
with you down here being a pussy
play some barry manilowe or something jesus
and Orpheus says no man i am just too bummed
and Zeus says okay crybaby
why don’t you just go down to hades and get your skank back
and Orpheus says i think i will
so he does
and he just charms the pants off of Hades so hard
with his lyre and his singing
oh and also persephone
he charms her pants off too
were women allowed to wear pants back then?
anyway
yeah persephone is down there
which i guess means its winter
which i guess means zeus couldn’t be getting any poontang anyway
unless he came up with a brilliant scheme for getting laid in winter
which, knowing zeus, is not very difficult to believe
ANYWAY
everybody’s pants are just charmed WAYYYY off
and hades says
ok christ man
i will give you your woman back
but only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary test
which i am going to specify for you
basically your chick’s ghost will follow you
all the way out of hades
but you can’t look at her
until you’re both in the real world
or you never get her back
make sense?
and Orpheus says not really
and Hades says tough tits that’s how it’s gonna be
so Orpheus kind of has to go along
and he starts walking
and on the way out he sees a bunch of demons
and he’s like hey demons
and they’re like hey orpheus sup
and he says oh just leading my chick out of hell
and they say your chick? what chick
and orpheus says the one right behind me smartass
and they say oh
THAT chick
and then they kind of chuckle a little bit
and this is making orpheus nervous
like real nervous
and he really wants to look
but he knows he can’t look
but then the VERY MOMENT
that he steps out of hades
he turns around to see if she’s really there
and SHE IS
but SHE IS STILL IN HELL
so Orpheus fails the test
and Eurydice disappears forever
and he’s back to square one
he is SO UPSET BY THIS
that he vows to only fuck underaged boys for the rest of his life
and he goes and sits on a hill
and just plays emo shit all day
so one day
all of these followers of Bacchus show up
and are like hey dude we’re having a party right here right now
you still chill with Bacchus?
and Orpheus is like fuck no i only worship THE SUN
and they are like dude are you sure about that
we are a bunch of hot chicks and we are about to have an orgy
and only people who are down with Bacchus are invited to the orgy
and Orpheus says fuck no i only have sex with people’s SONS
and the chicks are all like well ok
and then they tear off his skin and rape his corpse
and rip his head off
and chuck it into a river
along with his lyre
which he is inexplicably still able to play
and he just floats off down the river
making awesome music
forever
the moral of the story is
unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off
and your arms and skin missing
you are not a real musician

The end

So Prometheus

He is this guy
Actually not a guy but a titan
but anyway he is all hanging out up in olympus
with all the gods
and they are having a party
like a sweet beach party
with a sweet beach bonfire
only not on the beach because the gods live on mount olympus
but like they are gods so i guess there could be a beach if they wanted
look that’s not important the important thing is there is a huge fire
and prometheus goes over and looks down at earth
and it is night, and also cold
and all the humans are down there on earth eating raw meat and freezing to death
and prometheus is like man
i bet this is a problem i could solve with fire
so he steals some of that huge fire and sneaks down the mountain and is like
here humans this is fire
dont tell zeus cause i’m not supposed to be giving you this
and the humans are all SWEET
LET’S SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
so the secret gets out pretty quick
and Zeus goes WHAAAAAAAAT
IS THIS
HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE ALL THE TIME
GUYS THIS IS THE POINT
PROMETHEUS DID YOU DO THIS
and i guess prometheus just straight up says yes,
cause then zeus gets pissed off and goes
YOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IM GONNA PUNISH YOU
WITH TRICKERY
And then he goes and has Hephaestus (the gimp leg guy)
make a clay sculpture of his whore of a wife (Aphrodite)
and then BAM zeus turns it into a chick
a HUMAN chick
because yeah apparently earth was a sausagefest up til this point
anyway zeus gives her a box and is like YOU BETTER NOT OPEN THIS EVER
and she is like uh huh ok
also her name is pandora
and her box isn’t really a box it is really a jar
but box sounds way cooler than jar
cause it has an X in it
THIS IS CALLED REVISIONIST HISTORY PEOPLE
so zeus goes to Prometheus and says hey would you like a wife
i made you a wife
and prometheus says OH NO YOU DONT
i totally still remember yesterday when you said you were gonna punish me with trickery
no way am i fucking that bitch
and zeus says alright suit yourself
and pandora marries some other dude
and then she gets curious and opens up her box
because seriously why the fuck would zeus give that to her
and then EVERY BAD THING POSSIBLE comes out of the box
like hate and disease and teabagging
and the dumb bitch is just sitting there like whuuuuuuuuuuuuu
until finally she gets her shit together and goes OH FUCK
and slams the box shut
managing to trap ONE THING in the box
and that one thing is hopelessness
which means that we still have hope
even though she fucked everything up
and it also means
that everything was destined to go to shit whether or not prometheus married Pandora
which means
that the real trick was not to get prometheus to marry pandora
but to psyche him into turning down a perfectly good piece of ass.
Zeus: 1
Prometheus: gets his liver eaten by vultures forever

The end.

Oh shit someone just reminded me about Persephone

So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot
so hot, in fact
that hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)
looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAA
MN
I gotta get me some of that
so he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says hey little girl do you want to come to hell
and she probably would have said no only he kidnapped her
basically hades is the ultimate ladies’ man
so then they’re kind of hanging out down in hell
and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell
but it’s actually a little bit better with persephone there
because she’s not a little emo bitch like hades is all the time even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM TO HIMSELF
seriously why’s he always gotta be moping
anyway Persephone pulls some interior decorating and shit and wham
hell is pretty okay all of a sudden
but all is not well
because meanwhile, Demeter up in the regular world
is fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter
and it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hell
So demeter gets real depressed
and when demeter gets depressed
all the plants die
and everthing freezes
and being alive just kind of starts to suck
because she is the goddess of crops and seasons and whatnot
and up to this point no one has even heard of winter
but now they are getting nothing but winter nonstop and out of control
24-7
365
except actually maybe only for several months
but either way shit is intolerable
and Zeus gets fed up and goes and hits Demeter up and says
HAY BITCH WHATS WITH ALL THE WINTER
and demeter says hmm i dunno maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hell
And zeus says hm good point
so he goes down to the underworld
and he says listen bro i hate to block your cock but
like
shit is completely intolerable up in the real world
and it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down at this ball-freezing temperature
And hades says aw man why you gotta be like that
and Zeus says im sorry but you’re less important than me
give demeter her daughter back
and don’t you dare try any funny business
such as for example feeding her any food whatsoever from the underworld
because as you know
if she eats any of it
she will be forced to stay in hades with you forever
and hades says oh yeah that would be a tragedy none of us want that
and as soon as zeus is out the door hades turns around
and is like sup persephone
and persephone says sup
and he says hey are you hungry
and she says well now that you mention it i haven’t eaten or drank a single thing since you brought me down here months ago
hades is a shitty host
so hades goes well hey
the only thing we have in the underworld
is POMEGRANATES
(which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and hades should stop fucking crying about it)
so he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a time
and he manages to stuff six into her mouth
when her mom shows up
and is like ok honey time to go home
and persephone says ok
and Hades says PRANK’D I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAY
and Demeter is like AW FUCK WHAT DO I DO ZEUS
and zeus is extremely flustered because he has just probably been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boning
and he says OK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS JUST … JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE
LIKE I KNOW THERES A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD AND SHIT,
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE ACTUALLY
BUT LIKE
I AM SERIOUSLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERE
SO HOW BOUT
HADES GETS HER FOR 6 MONTHS AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER 6
and demeter says sure fine but i’m going to freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is gone
and zeus says fine i guess i’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the summer
and hades says i guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the winter
and it works out in the end
because both Zeus and Hades know
that when either of them is getting laid
he does not have to even worry about thinking about his brother having any sex
and just ruining the mood
because they are never getting laid at the same time ever
that’s how that works.

The end.

Oh man i just remembered this one

So one of the most inexplicable things about the greek pantheon
is that Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus
Aphrodite is like the high school cheerleader of the greek pantheon
And Hephaestus is the guy with the gimp leg who is always making historically accurate ww2 models
He doesn’t actually make ww2 models because ww2 has not happened yet but he does have a gimp leg, I’m not making that part up
Aphrodite is the goddess of boning everywhere all the time
and Hepaestus is the god of sitting in a forge all day making armor and swords for all the muscley dudes who go out and murder other muscley dudes and then sleep with all the women
So why the fuck is Hephaestus married to Aphrodite?
How did he score such sweet tail?
Well because Aphrodite is the goddess of boning EVERYONE
ALL THE TIME
so it’s not like she’s gonna actually be faithful or anything
and in fact she is sort of making a habit of boning Ares god of war, who is like the quarterback to her slutty cheerleader
She is actually doing it IN HEPHAESTUS’ BED when he is out working at the forge probably making armor for Ares even.
But Hephaestus is not a dumbass.
He’s probably got a whole bunch of mirrors and shit set up so that he can see into his own bedroom at all times from everywhere because he finds out what is going on
and he decides to show his cheating whore of a wife what’s what

USING SCIENCE

so he melts down the armor he was making for ares and he uses all the metal to make some chains
and then he uses his mad skills to make these chains into a giant indestructible net
and then he hangs the net over his bed like a canopy
and the next time Aphrodite is doing the wango bango with Ares
Hephaestus leaps into the room all like
SURPRISE BITCH
except he can’t leap cause he has a gimp leg
but anyway he drops the net on them
and it traps them on his bed
BUT THE JOKE’S ON HIM because they had no intention of leaving the bed and they’re both like
welp, we’re caught, might as well continue our boner fiesta in plain view
BUT THE JOKE’S ON THEM
because Hephaestus invited all the other gods to come hang out in his bedroom today
so they all start rolling in
and Bacchus is laughing his ass off
because he can totally see nipple
and Poseidon pokes zeus and says “would you tap that?”
and Zeus says “probably already have.”
(I am not making that up, that shit is in the odyssey)
But really the joke is still on Hephaestus because his wife is boning another man right in front of him and even the best blacksmith cannot repair a broken relationship

The end

So this dude Minos is having all kinds of problems being king of Crete
because his brothers are all want to be the king of crete instead
so they are all murdering each other like nonstop
until minos has this fantastic idea and he is like hey poseidon you should make me win
and poseidon is all ok I am going to send you a bitchin’ white bull
it means you will win
but you have to kill it later in my honor
and minos says uh huh sure okay make me king
so poseidon sends this bull
which is made out of sea foam or some shit i guess
and Minos becomes king
but then he really REALLY likes this bull
it is a really sweet bull
I dont think you guys understand what hot shit bulls were in ancient greece
you have to remember minos didnt have the internet
so bulls were like THE HEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY
and this was like the APPLE IPAD OF BULLS
so he decides hey i am not going to kill this bull what’s the worst that could happen im already king right?
WRONG.
Well right he is king but something bad definitely happens because Minos has a wife
and Poseidon goes and says hey Aphrodite you know what you should do you should make that bitch fall in love with my bull
and aphordite looks up from giving Ares a blowjob and says yeah ok
so all of a sudden minos’s wife is like mad attracted to this cow
but the problem is that the cow is not at all into chicks
like, human chicks
so she has this brilliant idea and she calls up this dude deadalus
and she is like i need someone to build me a GIANT WOODEN COWSUIT
so i can fuck cows
and deadalus
who is a fantastic genius inventor
is like sure no problem
and he makes her the suit
and she puts it on
and she goes out to the bull and the bull fucks that thing half to death
and she gets preggers
and Minos realizes something is up when she gives birth to a HIDEOUS COWBABY
aka the minotaur
so Minos does the smart thing and calls up the oracle at delphi
because that never leads to bad decisions
and the oracle says hey just build a maze around it no harm no foul
so minos gets this guy Daedalus
(more like DEADalus amirite)
because either he doesnt know deadalus built the cowsuit for his wife
or he doesnt give a shit because deadalus is that fucking good
so either way he gets him to build this awesome maze
and then instead of paying him with money
he pays him with years in prison
locked in a tower with his son icarus
in a tower over the ocean
Minos is a retard though because he has locked a master craftsman and his son in a tower
with apparently an unlimited supply of feathers and wax
so they make wings
and jump out the window
but you know who else is a retard is Icarus
because he does not understand that the sun is made of heat
whereas his wings are only made of wax and birdhair
so he flies way the fuck up towards the sun
and the sun says aw hell no
and Icarus’ wings break and he drowns
and his genius dad lives happily ever after no longer hampered by his dumbass son or something.

The end.