Alright what the fuck is up with God

Seriously
basically there’s this one time
where god is just kind of hanging out in heaven
and Satan comes up to him like sup dude
and God is like not much man
but hey have you seen this dude Job
he is SOO fucking dedicated to me
he’s probably the best guy EVER
seriously I am all ABOUT job, satan
so of course satan is like hm
I feel like i need to ruin this
hey god
I bet Job’s only behaving himself cuz you haven’t ruined his life yet
i bet if you let me ruin his life he’d start hating you pretty quick
and God is like nuh uh
and Satan is like yuh huh
and god is like well go do it then
see if I care
and Satan is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE

so meanwhile Job is busy having dinner with his loving family
seven sons and three daughters
that’s right
this guy gets BUSY
when a messenger shows up like hey
all your cows got taken by bandits
also
holy fire rained down from heaven and set your sheep on fire
also
your kids are dead
don’t ask me how
and Job is like DARRRRRRNNN
I best go pray to got because I’m a GOOOD PERSON
OH LORD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS ALL GOOD

so then satan hits up god again
like hey god
what’s up
and god is like DAMN RIGHT PRICKDIVOT
LOOKS LIKE JOB IS STILL PRAISIN’ MY NAME
EVEN AS FIRE IS LITERALLY RAINING DOWN ON HIS ANIMALS
WHAT NOW SATAN
WHAT NOW
(I am so waiting for the day
when I get to repeatedly shout WHAT NOW SATAN
I feel like that will be the day
I will know I have won life)

but satan
being SATAN
is like well maybe he’s righteous NOW
but that’s only because he’s not covered in HIDEOUS BOILS
and god is like I’m not falling for this shit again satan
you’re just trying to get me to torment my most loyal follower
and satan is like aww you got me
…
bet you ten bucks he’ll curse your name if I give him boils
and god is like OH BITCH IT IS ON

so Job gets boils all over his body
and his wife is like ew what the fuck
why don’t you just curse god and die
and for some reason this is NOT AN APPEALING OPTION FOR JOB
so instead he sits down in a thick mixture
of ashes
tears
and regret
and all his buddies show up to laugh at his deformities
they are like hey Job what’s good
oh I see
NOTHING
NOTHING IS GOOD
and Job is like yeah
yeah

and then i guess he suddenly snaps
and he is like YOU KNOW WHAT
I
CURSE
and satan is like yeah yeah
what do you curse
and Job is like THE DAY I WAS BORN
and God is like BOOYAH
HIS PSYCHE HAS CRUMBLED BUT HIS IRRATIONAL LOVE FOR ME REMAINS

and then Job’s friends
proceed to be like
hey
hey Job
you’ve always been a pretty righteous dude
why is god suddenly shitting directly into your breakfast cereal?
did you assfuck a nun or something?
and Job is like NO
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
and his friends are like aw come on Job you can tell us
what did you do
punt a baby through a barnhouse?
play dungeons and dragons?
and Job is like NOTHING
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
AND IF GOD WOULD JUST MAN UP AND TALK THIS SHIT OUT WITH ME
I BET WE COULD GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I WOULD LIKE TO GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BECAUSE I AM SO WRACKED WITH NAUSEA THAT I CANNOT EAT

and what do you know
here comes God
like SHABAM DICKHEAD
I HEARD YOU HAD SOME QUESTIONS FOR ME
WELL I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU BONERCHEESE
first off
who made the earth
you, or me?
oh i’m sorry dickhead
cat got your tongue?
what a coincidence
I INVENTED CATS
also hail
in fact
I have a whole fort knox full of fucking hail up in heaven
for throwing shit at people whenever i feel about it
do you have a hail vault in your house?
didn’t think so
and what about storks
pretty sweet, right?
guess who made those?
TIME’S UP
IT WAS ME
I MADE STORKS
ALSO LIONS
ALSO DEER
I COULD GO ON
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ON
and Job is like alright dude I get it
i’m sorry
never should have questioned you
these hideous boils are yours to dish out as you please
and I am very sorry-
but god’s like HOLD ON I’M NOT FINISHED
I also made these sweet things called behemoths
they’re huge
they might be elephants i don’t know
OH OH
and have you seen this fucking LEVIATHAN I made?
it’s like a million feet long
covered in impenetrable scales
and it breathes fire
seriously have you seen this thing
i’m sorry dude I’m actually pretty high right now

so Job is like sorry God
won’t happen again
and god is like cool
here’s four times your former riches
plus new kids
next time don’t fuck with me

so the moral of the story is
God is about as easy to manipulate
as a five year old child
you can literally have a perfect track record
and he may STILL set fire to everything you love
and then cover everything else in horrific boils
so i guess
good luck?

The end.

Alright so announcement time:

A dude gave me 20 dollars
so I am in the process of recording a rap
about motherfucking OEDIPUS REX
see what i did there
motherfucking?
ha HA!
anyway that should be done by the end of the week or something
keep your ears peeled
except not literally that would be gross
that’s some serial killer shit
ANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker

So this kid Faustus right

actually he is not a kid he is a grown man
he is grown as FUCK actually
he is so grown he has like
A PhD in philosophy
and he’s a lawyer
also a doctor
probably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shit
point is this dude is a career academic

but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIED
in fact as our story begins
he is pacing back and forth in his study
like HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?
MEDICINE?
NOPE.
LAW?
NOPE.
LOGIC?
NOPE.
OH I KNOW
NECROMANCY
THAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCE
LET’S DO THIS

so he hits up his shitty evil friends
Valdes and Cornelius
oh come on
how can you not be evil with a name like cornelius
or valdes for that matter
those are some evil goddamn names
OH SHIT SEGUE
because damning god is exactly what these fools are about to do
in fact by the time they leave
faustus is damning god so hard
that this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
and faustus is like do my bidding
and mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROW
NOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOU
I JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED
and faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 years
and in the meantime you do my fucking bidding
and Mephistopheles is like
well
lemme check with my boss

GUYS
THERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALL
AND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO START
FROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION
24 FUCKING YEARS?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLE
WRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?
YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR
I DON’T KNOW
TWENTY FIVE YEARS?!
HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE

meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his books
and uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown

BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION
mephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCH
I BROUGHT A CONTRACT FOR YOU TO SIGN IN BLOOD
and faustus’s conscience is like no don’t do it
and faustus is like FUCK YOU CONSCIENCE I’M A SCIENTIST
ALSO A NECROMANCER
hey mephistopheles i’m not gonna get aids from this am I?
and mephistopheles is like no worries dude
we sterilize all our satan knives
go nuts
so faustus goes nuts
and cuts his arm
but his blood is like FUCK NO DUDE
AIN’T GOIN’ NEAR THAT FUCKING CONTRACT
and it clots right the fuck up
and mephistopheles is like I KNOW
I’LL USE FIRE ON IT
so he goes off to get some fire
and faustus is like i dunno about this man
my blood seems pretty suspicious of this deal
I am actually going to have to set my blood on fire
if i want to do this
that is more inauspicious than a broken mirror
covered in salt
under a ladder
with vampires stapled to the sides
oh well fuck it
and he signs the contract anyway

so now faustus has his very own demon slave
and he is like hey mephistopheles
tell me facts about the universe
and mephistopheles is like sure ok
and faustus is like who made the universe
and mephistopheles is like i plead the 5th
and faustus is like aw man
this is lame
how about I TAKE BACK MY SOUL?
and mephistopheles is like
how about i distract you with this mini-play
about the seven deadly sins
and faustus is like AWESOME
DEAL

meanwhile fastus’s horsekeeper Robin finds one of his books
and calls up his buddy rafe
and is like DUUUUUUUDE
LET’S GO TO A BAR
I WILL CONJURE ALL THE BOOZE

OKAY BACK TO PLOT
so apparently fastus’s first order of business
after using his superpowers to gain infinite knowledge
is to go to Rome and prank the pope
guys
Germany is practically within WALKING DISTANCE OF ITALY
THEY WERE ON THE SAME SIDE IN WORLD WAR TWO
SOMEONE IS UNDERUTILIZING HIS RESOURCES HERE
anyway basically he and mephistopheles show up
turn invisible
eat all the food
punch the pope in the head
beat the shit out of everyone
set off a bunch of fireworks
and leave
and this bullshit
nets faustus an invitation to chill with the king of germany

MEANWHILE ROBIN AND RAFE HAVE STOLEN SOME KIND OF CUP
it is apparently a valuable cup
because the dude who owns it is chasing them
they quickly put an end to this
by summoning MEPHISTOPHELES
who is like seriously guys
you made me come all the way over here
because you wanted a fucking cup
you keep this shit up and you guys are getting turned into ANIMALS
i’m going to Turkey
or germany or something

so faustus teleports back to germany
to see this king
who is like hey dude
conjure alexander the great
and faustus is like sure no problem
here
also here is his lover
also here are some dudes he killed
watch him kill them again
look here’s a horse
you want some elephants
you want a hot air balloon full of tits
I can make that happen
i can keep going with this shit all night

but then this dude Benvolio
who is nursing a WICKED HANGOVER
is like BOOO YOU SUCK
and faustus is like i suck eh?
do i suck as bad as HAVING ANTLERS ON YOUR HEAD?
LET ME KNOW
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME NOW
and then benvolio is like ima kill you
and chops off faustus’s head
and faustus just puts that shit back on
like bitch
i did not sell my soul to satan
just to get decapitated by some candyass lightweight
with ANTLERS ON HIS HEAD
hope you like having demons drag your dick through thorns
then throw you off a cliff
because that is the new itinerary i just made for you
have fun cockwit

then on his way home
faustus runs into some dude who buys horses
and he is like hey do you want to buy a horse
i’ll sell it to you cheap
but remember
NEVER RIDE THIS HORSE IN WATER
FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS
and the horse dude is like sure ok
and then IMMEDIATELY RIDES IT INTO WATER
AND IT TURNS INTO STRAW
so naturally he gets pretty pissed
and he goes and finds faustus sleeping
and he’s like hey assbasket
wake the fuck up
and faustus is all ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
and the horsedude is like how about I PULL ON YOUR LEG
and faustus’s leg COMES OFF IN HIS HAND
and the dude is like SHIT I JUST STOLE A BODY PART
I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
AAAAAA
and he runs away with the leg
at which point faustus grows a new leg
and starts laughing his ass off

so horsemaster retard goes and finds another dude
who sells hay
who faustus ripped off
basically by eating all of his hay for some reason
and then two of them
plus robin and rafe
who are just shitfaced and having a good time
all go confront faustus in some royal court
where he is busy making a plate of grapes out of thin air
guys is it just me
or have faustus’s tricks gotten progressively shittier
as this story has gone on
it used to be BOOM INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
now it is like hey
…grapes
anyway the angry dudes show up
and faustus uses magic to make them mute
and everyone lives happily ever after

EXCEPT NOT REALLY
because then faustus goes back to his old office
and spends some time dicking around
conjuring helen of troy and shit
and then this old dude shows up
like hey faustus
you know how you sold your soul to lucifer?
like with a contract and everything?
well guess what
if you act now
you can repent and COMPLETELY ABANDON YOUR AGREEMENT
NO MONEY DOWN
NO OBLIGATION
ABSO-FUCKING FREE
and faustus is like hm nope
i think i’d rather sign an extra contract with satan
so i can go to double hell instead of regular hell
sounds more hardcore

so then mephistopheles shows up like WELP IT’S HELLTIME
and faustus is like WAIT I REPENT
and mephistopheles is like too late asshole
you could have repented before
like ten minutes ago
but you have PASSED THE ARBITRARY CUTOFF POINT
PREPARE TO GET SPINEFUCKED BY THE FLAMING DICK OF THE DAMNED
and then faustus gets dragged to hell
and spends the rest of eternity in an endless flaming gangbang

so the moral of the story is
you can totally get away with selling your soul
as long as you repent at the last possible moment
also
the last possible moment
is probably some time BEFORE you sign a second contract
and demons show up to physically drag you into the inferno
timing is everything

THE END.

GOOD NEWS GUYS
SOME STRAPPING YOUNG LAD
GAVE ME TEN MORE DOLLARS
SO STARTING TOMORROW
IT’S GENESIS CITY USA
STARRING YOUR GOOD FRIEND
ME
ON VIDEO
WEARING A STUPID HAT AND NO SHIRT

We now return to our regularly scheduled program
of shouting and saying fuck alot

So some dude named puffs

wants me to do some more greek myths
because he thinks he is hot shit on par with zeus
and he wants me to just bend over
like some easily swayed mortal skank
and do what he says
and then who knows
maybe he’ll get me pregnant
maybe he’ll turn me into a fucking cow
or blow me up with lightning
there’s no telling with zeus

WELL FUCK THAT
YOU GET A MYTH ABOUT BUTTSEX TOUGH GUY

So there’s this place Gomorrah right
also this place sodom
they are characterized
by a special game everybody there plays
which is like the hokey pokey
except instead of dancing
you have sex with each other
and each other’s butts
and each other’s livestock i think
but other than that it is just like the hokey pokey
man when i was a little kid
in gymboree
we used to hold a bigass multicolored parachute between us
and do the hokey pokey
these guys in sodom and gomorrah
probably would have fucked that parachute

so one day god has had enough of this shit
because god doesn’t like looking at sex apparently
OKAY HERE IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND
You’re god, right
you make a universe
and like a world
and you put stuff everywhere
and you take some of this stuff
and you put holes in it
and then you take other things
and give them penises
and you are like now guys
guys
if you ever stick these penises
into any of these holes
it’s gonna feel SUPER GOOD
but don’t do it
i think it’s pretty gross
and i can see everything all the time
so seriously
quit it

WHY DID YOU MAKE SO MANY HOLES AND SO MANY PENISES
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON LOOKING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME
WHY IS IT THAT GOD CAN CREATE A SEX ACT SO LURID
EVEN HE CAN’T STAND TO LOOK AT IT

anyway so he sends these angels to sodom and gomorra
these three studly motherfuckers
like
these guys have so many abs
sometimes they break a few off
to give to those less fortunate
like maybe some oliver twist looking motherfucker
walking around with a ripped four-pack
all like please sir
can i have some more

OK WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK
so these angels show up to someplace called Mamre
and they meet this dude Abraham
who is apparently a pretty cool dude
cause he is like hey handsome guys
come stay in my house with my wife and I
FIVESOME MAYBE?
but no
the angels just crash for a night
and then they’re like by the way
we’re on our way to go blow up sodom and gomorrah
and abraham is like no shit
hey god
and god is like YEAH WHAT UP
and abraham is like would you spare sodom
if you found
FIFTY RIGHTEOUS MEN IN THERE?
and god is like FO SHO
and abraham is like
what about 40
and god is like NO DOUBT BRO
and abraham is like
what about 30
and god is like I’D SPARE THEM CITIES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER
20?
SURE WHY NOT
15?
YEAH WHATEVER
10?
LOOK WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS
I SAID I’D SPARE THEM OK
and abraham is like ok ok
we still cool?
and god is like WE STILL COOL

so then the angels head for sodom and gomorrah
you know
to destroy it
and on the way they meet this dude Lot
who is actually one of Abraham’s nephews
and happens to live in Sodom
and is actually a pretty chill guy
or at least he’s a pretty chill guy by god’s standards
which means he only does it with chicks
well one chick
his wife
while lying on top of her
and trying not to enjoy it very much
so the angels are like sup lot
and lot is like hey guys
you’re pretty hot
wanna stay at my place
but not in a gay way
because i’m righteous
and the angels are like sure yeah

so they go to lot’s place
and all these dudes from the town show up outside
like HEY
HEY LOT
I SEE YOU GOT SOME HOT DUDES IN YOUR HOUSE
HOW ABOUT SENDING THEM OUT HERE
SO WE CAN KNOW THEM
AND BY THEM
WE MEAN THEIR BUTTS
AND BY KNOW
WE MEAN HAVE SEX WITH
LIKE
HAVE SEX WITH THEIR BUTTS
and lot is like sorry guys
that would make me feel like the WORST HOST
so here
take my 2 virgin daughters instead
you can do whatever you want with them
it’s fine
i know you guys are into some freaky shit
but it’s cool
they’re just my daughters
and the dudes are like WHAT IS THIS SHIT
WE ASKED FOR THREE MEN
YOU GIVE US TWO WOMEN
THIS IS A DISGRACE
WE’RE GONNA TAKE ALL THIS PENT UP RAPE ENERGY
AND USE IT ON YOUUUUU

so they go to bust down Lot’s door
and the angels are like FUCK NO
and blind all those guys
and then they’re like hey lot
now would be a good time
to take your wife
and your daughters who you don’t seem to care about really
and get the fuck out of here before we set this shit on fire
and lot is like sounds like a plan
but then the angels are like hey
one other thing
don’t look back towards the city
no matter how exciting it sounds
and lot is like sure fine ok

so lot and his wife and his kids are all running away
when god is like BAM BALAM MOTHERFUCKERS
and blows up sodom and gomorrah with fire and brimstone
and i guess it must sound REALLY FUCKING COOL
because Lot’s wife is like what is that
i simply MUST see
and she turns around like an idiot
and BAM
turns into salt for some reason
why is this what happens
am i now supposed to believe that all salt is made of dead people?
that is some creepy shit
i might not have french fries for a few days

look basically
what this goes to show
is even if you spend your life being super righteous
god is gonna get you
on a technicality
and turn you into some kind of seasoning
and then i am going to use you on my eggs

the end.

Okay so first of all

on a personal note
I am about to fuck off to the desert
for like a week
and the desert i am fucking off to
does not have a rich and renewable supply of internet
so what I’m going to do
is I’m going to put this fine blog
in your EXTREMELY CAPABLE HANDS
if you have a myth you are super excited about
and you wanna retell it mega sweetly and maybe not use a lot of punctuation
go ahead and email your myth to
renit DOT services AT gmail DOT com
but like
don’t write out the dots and the ats
that would be fucking retarded
there is going to be a guy reading your emails
and he is going to pick the two best ones
and put one up on Thursday
and one up on Saturday
along with a shoutout to whoever wrote it
it’s going to be great
you’ll love it

so anyway in honor of this worthless desert i’m going to
here’s a myth about a worthless fucking desert

so you guys have heard of Jesus, right?
he’s the guy with the beard and shit
so Jesus just decides to fuck off to the middle of the goddamn desert
for 40 days and 40 nights
which is just ancient-talk for
AN INDETERMINATELY LONG TIME
they don’t necessarily mean 40 days
could be sixteen
could be four billion
who fucking knows
the important thing is Jesus decides it would be a great idea
to also not eat anything during this desert fuckscapade
so he is naturally pretty hungry
and he’s crawling around in the desert
feeling miserable
wondering why he makes such bad decisions
when Satan shows up
Satan is like sup Jesus
Jesus is like gggggg so hungry
and Satan is like hey dude are you fucking retarded
you are the son of god
you tell those rocks over there to turn into bread
they’ll be like “whole wheat or gluten free?”
come on do it
and jesus is like I COULD do that
or I could quote some scripture at you
like for example
MAN CANNOT SURVIVE ON BREAD ALONE
and satan is like good point but you’re starving to death
bread is at least one of the things man needs to survive
water’s another good one
you don’t have a lot of that either
but jesus isn’t listening
so satan is like fuck FINE
and teleports jesus to the top of the temple in Jerusalem
and jesus is like WHOA WHAT
and satan is like hey jesus
you know what would be MEGA GNARLY RADICAL TO THE MAX EXTREME
is if you JUMPED OFF THIS TEMPLE
AND RELIED ON GOD’S ANGELS TO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY DOWN
all the people in the streets would be like
DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID
SHIT WAS SO SWEET
I AM GOING INTO MOTHERFUCKING DIABETIC SHOCK RIGHT NOW
and jesus looks down
and sees that it is indeed triple sweet
but then he’s like
NO WAY SATAN
gonna quote scripture again instead
specifically DONT PUT GOD TO THE TEST
and satan is like man
what the fuck is the point of being the physical manifestation of god
if you can’t turn rocks into bread or do wicked flips off temples
but jesus isn’t paying ANY fucking attention
so satan is like ALRIGHT ASSHOLE
BAMF
and he teleports jesus to the top of the highest mountain
and points at all the kingdoms just lying around minding their business
and is like do you see those kingdoms
they’re yours
all of them
all you gotta do
is worship me instead of your dad
and jesus is like no dice satan
and satan is all come on
and he flies jesus around the world
pointing at kingdoms
all like
BANGLADESH? YOURS
ITALY? YOURS
FUCKING MADAGASCAR? NO PROBLEM
dude i can hook you up
what is wrong with you
do you not like getting hooked up
i know i like getting hooked up
do you have some kind of a condition
that makes you like
get upset when totally sweet things are given to you
for almost nothing?
but jesus just waves his arms around and goes
GET AWAY SATAN
literally that is the best thing he can come up with to say
he says
GET AWAY SATAN
CAUSE SCRIPTURE SAYS
WORSHIP THE LORD GOD AND SERVE HIM ONLY
and satan is like shiiiiit son
if all you’re gonna do is read outta yer damn book all day
i’m done here
shit’s boring
so he disappears
and a whole bunch of angels show up
and cook jesus a feast
and then later he gets pretty famous
but then gets nailed to a cross
could have been the leader of all kingdoms ever
kings don’t get crucified too much
just sayin’
so moral of the story?
hail satan.

The end