ICE MANNNN

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So there is this village right

the people in this village are dumbasses
they do not understand how to handle fire
to wit:
they have a fire
and it starts burning
and they do not stop it
so it burns a great big path
right up to a massive poplar tree
sets the tree on fire
burns it to ashes
dances on its grave
sends rude postcards to its poplar family
and then burns a hole in the ground
a huge fucking hole
how does fire even do this

anyway the hole keeps getting bigger
and the people keep trying to put it out
and failing harder and harder
until finally
one of the villagers is like I KNOW WHAT TO DO
WE’LL GET
THE ICEMANNNNN
so they go up north a bit
and they find this dude the ice man
he sounds like a superhero
and he totally is
because when they tell him their problem
what he does
is he unbraids all his hair
and then he cuts off some of it
and starts beating it furiously against his hand
the first time it hits his hand
a cold wind blows
the second time
it starts to rain
then sleet happens
and then it starts to snow hardcore
and ice man is like ok problem solved
go back to your village
i will be there in a couple days

so they go back to the village
to sit helplessly around this burning pit that used to be their lives
and sure enough
a couple days later a wind starts up
but it just makes the fire stronger
and then rain happens
but that just makes scalding steam
and then sleet occurs
and it drowns out the fire
but there is a fuckton of smoke
so then a storm starts up
and everyone hides for a bit
and when they come out in the morning
the giant lake of fire is now just a regular lake
but they say
if you hang out by that lake long enough
you can hear coal crackling at the bottom of it

the moral of the story is
fuck smokey bear
only THE ICE MAN
can prevent forest fires

the end.

Rabbit is a shitty host

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So bear invites rabbit over for dinner
and there is a big pot of beans cooking on the stove
and bear is like rabbit are you hungry
and rabbit is like fuck yes i am hungry
i just spent all morning
trying to get bugs out of wood
by beating my face against it like a woodpecker
and now my nose is split forever
and i have no bugs
hook it up bear

and bear is like ok
and takes the beans off the stove
and tries some
and is like hm
needs lard
and he fucking CUTS OPEN HIS OWN STOMACH
AND OOZES FAT INTO THE BEANS
and then they eat the beans together and it is great

but see now rabbit is super fucking jealous
of his animal pal
so the next day
he is like hey bear come over to my house
i will make you some beans
it will be great
and bear comes over
and rabbit takes the beans off the stove
and he tries them
all like HM THIS SURE NEEDS SOME FUCKING LARD
and then he proceeds to disembowel himself
trying to bleed fat into the beanbowl
(PS bleed fat into the beanbowl
sounds like some kind of a euphemism
for sex)
and so he is sitting on the floor dying of blood loss
and like
organ loss
and bear is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I AM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he stitches rabbit up
and then he’s like dude
just because i can do something
does not mean you can also do it
what are you a fucking retard

so the moral of the story is
when it comes to cooking
self-mutilation is not always the answer

the end.

CALIFORNIAAAAAA

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So eagle and crow
they are best buds
such good buds in fact
that when the world floods
eagle lets crow ride on his back
while they search for land

well tough tits for them
because there is no land anywhere at all
but finally they manage to find a stump at least
and eagle goes and sits on that
like finally fuck
i have been carrying you for like eleventy billion weeks asshole

then they get bored
so every day the two birds have a fish-catching contest
but then at the end of the day they just split the fish evenly
so it is not a very high stakes contest
remember they are best buds
and then they spend a bunch of time trying to find land
and failing
harrrd

then in the evening they always come back to the stump
like damn
i wonder if there’s a way for us to make land
we can’t dive deep enough to get any dirt
so what the fuck would we make it out of?

and this is what they do every day
until one day
a duck shows up
diving down to get fish
and coming up with more mud in his mouth than fish
because he is shitty at catching fish
so crow and eagle are like HOLY SHIT
we can USE THIS BIRD to get LAND
so they are like hey duck
we will give you fish
if you bring us mud
and duck is like sweet deal dudes
i’m on it
so for the next bajillion days
crow and eagle and duck
engage in what my source material calls
“a great game of fish and mud exchange”

guys
there are a lot of great games
fish and mud exchange is not one of them
any game that involves the words fish
and mud
and exchange
is a shitty game in my book
although actually settlers of catan is a lot like that
at least when you play with fish
i like settlers of catan
ANYWAY

eagle and crow are building the shit out of some mudpiles over here
all like BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
TOTALLY GONNA SPLIT THIS NEW LAND EVENLY
but then one day eagle goes away for a bit
and he comes back
and crow has STOLEN THE SHIT OUT OF LIKE HALF OF HIS MUD
and eagle is like what the fuck crow
what the fuck
and the two of them have a massive shit fit about it
and then eagle starts putting out twice as much fish for duck
as crow does
so duck brings eagle twice as much mud
and eagle’s land keeps getting bigger and bigger
and crow doesn’t even fucking notice
and then the rains stop
and the sun bakes the mud
and they keep building the fuck out of these mountains they are making
these things are MASSIVE
in fact if you were to go look for these dirtmounds now
you would not have a hard time finding them
because eagle’s mudpile is now known
as the FUCKING SIERRAS
and crow’s mudpile
is a bitchass puss nexus of a mountain range
known as the Coast mountain range
basically because while crow cheated one time
eagle cheated over and over again
for days and months and years

and now eagle is a fucking native american culture hero
for his honor and wingspan and shit
and everyone hates crow
because one time he stole some dirt
so the moral of the story i guess
is if someone fucks you over once
you can fuck them over in return
day after day
never stopping
never slowing down
and it will be okay
everyone will love you
and you will get to own the fucking sierras

the end.

FIRE

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Ok so i am about to fuck off to the desert
AGAIN
and so i am going to be remotely posting myths
native american myths
using the magic of the internet
starting RIGHT
NOWWWWW

ok so coyote right
he likes to chill with all the humans on earth
and life is pretty sweet most of the time
blackberries and wheat and shit all the fuck over the place
except then winter comes
and just jizzes in everyone’s lungs
and like 90% of everybody dies
every year

so one day coyote is walking along
and he passes a village
and the woman are all weeping
over their dead infants
and they are like FUUUUUUCK
THE SUN IS SO WARM RIGHT NOW
IN SPRING
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME OF THE SUN IN OUR TEEPEES
IN WINTER
and coyote is like I HAVE A SOLUTION

so he goes up on top of this mountain
where these three assholes live
called the fire beings
they are these ugly motherfuckers
with like
sharp talons
who spend all their time guarding this fire
so when they hear coyote in the underbrush
they are like AGH FUCK WHO’S THERE
and coyote is like just me
just a coyote
nothing to worry about
and they are all like oh ok

so then coyote watches them all night
seeing how they always have at least one of them
watching the fire
except right at dawn
when one of the fire beings
is too much of a lazy whorebag
to get up quickly and guard the fire

so coyote goes and hits up all his animal pals
like GUYS
help me steal fire for the weird hairless human things
and the animals are like sure ok

so coyote goes back up to the top of the mountain
and the fire beings hear him like WHOA
AGH
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
and coyote is like jeeze guys
dont you remember
i’m just a coyote
a harmless dumb animal
come on
and the fire beings are like ok
so then coyote hangs out all night
and in the morning
when one of the fire beings is busy lazing it up
he hauls ass across their camp
and grabs the fire
and starts booking it down the mountain
and all of the fire beings are like SHIIIIIIIIT
and they start flying after him
and one of them touches his tail
and it turns white
which is why all coyotes have tails like that
that’s right
this coyote got AROUND
anyway then coyote tosses the fire to squirrel
and squirrel carries it on his back
which burns it hardcore
curling his tail
and then he passes the fire to chipmunk like OW FUCK
and chipmunk catches it
and then fucking FREEZES because these fire beings
are TERRORIFYING
and one of them just runs up to him and scratches the fuck out of his back
leaving three lines there
which are now on all chipmunks everywhere
and then chipmunk is like FUCK DAMN
and passes the fire to frog
and the fire beings catch frog’s tail
and frog is just like FUCK I DONT NEED A TAIL
and it comes off
and guys
guess what
now frogs don’t have tails
so finally after all this forcible re-engineering of various species
frog tosses the fire to wood
and wood swallows it
and the fire beings go up to wood like HEY WOOD
FUCKING GIVE US OUR FIRE BACK
and wood is like nope
and the fire beings are like IMA CUT CHOO
and wood is like go for it
and the fire beings are finally like YOU KNOW WHAT FINE
FUCK IT
and they leave
but coyote knows how to set wood on fire
so he teaches all the humans
how to use like
matches and shit
and suddenly arsonist is a profession

so the moral of the story is
if you need something
steal it
in fact better yet
have a coyote steal it
because apparently no one suspects those guys

THE END

Okay now I understand bollywood

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So shiva right

he’s a badass
but his main job
is to make sure kali
doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks
and destroy the world

like in that one story i already told you
where he lies in front of her on the battlefield
or this other time
when he turns into a baby
like WAH WAH TITS PLZ
and kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS
but there is one particular instance
of shiva handling kali’s shit
that is particularly fantastic

ok so this story begins like all stories about kali:
kali just killed a bunch of dudes
probably demons
but really
who the fuck knows
anyway to celebrate
kali takes up residence in a nearby forest
with a bunch of her asshole friends
and starts terrorizing the countryside
stabbing the villagers
than stabbing their stab wounds
then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds
shit like that

so finally one of the villagers
who is sick of getting stabbed every day
and is also a follower of shiva
comes running up to shiva like
HEY SHIVA
CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US
WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED OK
and shiva is like what shit
i am busy
and the dude is like KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE
SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN
WHO KNOWS
and shiva is like ok my schedule just cleared up

so shiva shows up in the forest
and kali is like HEY ASSHOLE
and shiva is like hey kali
we’ve talked about this
you need to stop stabbing all the time
and kali is like NEVER STOP STABBING
and shiva is like that is the opposite of what i said ok
and kali is like FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU
and shiva is like alright this is going nowhere
how about this
we have a dance contest
and when i utterly hand you your shit in the contest
you agree to stop stabbing for a while?
and kali is like OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED

so they start dancing the fuck off against each other
busting moves
infused with the dopeness
these moves they are busting
guys
they are ludicrous moves
trust me
like remember the dance contest in pulp fiction?
this was nothing like that
John Travolta is shitty at doing the twist
this is way better

but finally
shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE
the TANDAVA DANCE
which is just basically a super energetic dance
kali is so tired from stabbing i guess
that she cannot match his dance moves
and she reluctantly agrees
to stop murdering for a couple days
and go home

so the moral of the story is
all wars ever can be stopped
WITH THE POWER OF DANCE

The end

AT LAST, THE ODYSSEY IS COMPLETE AGAIN – plus shameless plug!

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Hey guys
i did the odyssey
on video
all of it

now i am going to ask you guys
to reach back into your collective memories
and ask yourselves

“What bizarre cosmic event
or happy coincidence
lead this shirtless guy
to record this sweet epic myth for the internets?”

well guys
the answer is simple
i did it for money

if you will recall
about a week ago
some kind soul donated
TWENTY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS
through that donation button
on the right side of the blog

and as very few of you probably remember
i promised
when i put that donation button there
that every time i got a total of 20 dollars donated to me
no matter how many people donated it
i was gonna do something epic as a thank you
this right here
is the kind of epic shit i am talking about

but lest you think i am some kind
of very educational whore
i need to tell you guys
what this money is going towards

see i am about to embark
on a months-long cross-country road trip
and in order to keep updating this blog
on the ambitious schedule i have been keeping
i need to buy one of those wireless broadband dealies
that let me access the internet from anywhere
for a monthly fee
and actually
it would be super sweet
if i could also buy a little solar panel
to put on top of my car
to power my laptop
because my cigarette lighter doesn’t work
plus ultimately I would like to get a website
somewhere other than blogspot
and make it nice
settle down, you know?
but look
anyway
the point is

if everybody who follows this blog
just gave me a dollar
I would be contractually obligated
to retell the iliad on video
skipping all the boring parts
plus it would probably cover a couple months
of on-the-road internet shenanigans
and then I’d be just ten more dollars away
from having to retell selections from Ovid’s
EROTIC POEMS
on video
and so on
you get where i am going with this

alternately
you could all just blackmail google
into paying me the 45 dollars they owe me

anyway here’s the thrilling conclusion of
THE ODYSSEY

PS: Here’s a fun game you can play
go back through all 7 episodes
and try and figure out when i am wearing pants
and when i am not

Shiva drinks gallons of PCP

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okay so guys
remember a couple days ago
when i said shiva seemed like a huge pussy?

guys
i retract the FUCK out of that statement

right now
i am sitting in my room
retracting my statement so hard
i am not going to shit for WEEKS

ANYWAY

the reason i am retracting my statement
is this story that happened one time

ok so there is this dude Brahma right
he is the creator of everything
so one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it
this hot chick
is his daughter

but as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
brahma is like OH DAMN
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY
and then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
everywhere
forever
thus causing the world to get divided
into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something
that is outside himself

okay so Brahma’s daughter gets wind
of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on earth instead
and she goes up to heaven

now brahma is like FUCK
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD
see this is the thing about being the creator
you do not consider options such as
moving your neck
or
in extreme cases
physical therapy
maybe a neck massage
limber up those muscles
NO
you grow an extra fucking head
looking straight up
and then you send it shooting towards heaven
all like NOM NOM NOM TITSTIME

so at this point
brahma’s daugher is up in heaven
like fuck what am i going to do
about this encroaching molester head
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like FUCK THIS SHIT
and chops off Brahma’s head
WITH HIS FUCKING THUMBNAIL
BAM

but instead of a hearty thank you
and maybe some victory poontang
shiva gets brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like AW FUCK
THIS IS MY JERKIN’ IT HAND
and he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
and brahma is like oh no you are not son
you are going to get banished the fuck on out of here
is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land
as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven

so this is exactly what shiva does
until one day
he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the fuck out of themselves
and shiva rolls up
LIKE HEY HEY OOGA BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE WHATS UP
and the sages are like what the fuck is this shit
and the sages’ wives are like OH MAN I WANNA TAP THAT
and they all go dance the crazy wango bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and they send a tiger after shiva
and shiva responds
by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S FUCKING SKIN
and wearing it as a skirt
and then the sages are like DOUBLEFUCK
and they send a poisonous snake after shiva
and shiva picks up the snake
and wears it as a fucking necklace
and the sages are like 3X FUCK COMBO
and they send an evil dwarf after shiva
that’s right
they have fuckable gold in india too guys
anyway shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club

then he turns around like COME ON ALL YOU HOT BITCHES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST
so they do
and then shiva (aka bhairava remember)
goes to vishnu’s place
like hey vishnu lemme in
and vishnu’s bouncer is like who the fuck are you
and bhairava is like THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT BITCH
and then vishnu jumps out of the back room like OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY
and bhairava fills brahma’s sticky skull with vishnu’s blood
like THANKS SUCKER
and then dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a fucking skull full of blood
he dances all the fuck over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven
seriously what the fuck is even happening in this myth

the end.

Odyssey. Also, remember when Google used to be a great company?

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Hey guys
this just in
google is a piece of shit
an unrepentant piece of shit
so i’m sure you’ve heard about google and verizon’s plan to skullfuck net neutrality
and you’ve already heard me talk about how google adsense
is the shittiest way to make money
ON THE WHOLE INTERNET
but it turns out
it is also the shittiest way to advertise
IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

for example
last week
i did a google search for a weatherproof bag
with straps to let me attach it to the roof of my car
since then
EVERY SINGLE TIME I VISIT THIS WEBSITE
I HAVE SEEN THE SAME FUCKING AD
FOR HARD-BODIED CAR ROOF STORAGE CONTAINERS
HEY GOOGLE
GUESS WHAT
NOT ONLY IS THAT SUPER CREEPY
BUT I BOUGHT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WHEN I FUCKING SEARCHED FOR IT
A WEEK AGO
I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW
ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS SEARCHING FOR A SOFT-BODIED BAG
NOT ONE OF THESE ROBOT TURD LOOKING MOTHERFUCKERS
IF YOU ARE GOING TO ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME
AT LEAST ANNOY ME ACCURATELY

so anyway
given that i know firsthand
how utterly worthless their entire system is
this happens:

so today i get home and i get my mail
and i find that I have a letter from google
or rather
ADSENSE PUBLISHER has a letter from google
guys
i gave you my fucking name when i signed up
did you lose it
anyway my first reaction is to go SWEET BEANS
GOOGLE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART AND SENT ME REAL CASH MONEY
INSTEAD OF HOARDING IT IN THEIR FUCKING MONEYPIT
FOREVER AND EVER
WHILE PRETENDING THAT PAYDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

so i rip open the envelope
and my jaw drops open
because i see the number 100
followed by a dollar sign
but then my jaw abruptly shoots closed
because the number
is attached to a fucking GIFT CARD
which may be used
to purchase GOOGLE ADSENSE ADS
finally i can claim the coveted ad space on the right side of a google search page that no one ever looks at or clicks on
i read the attached form letter
to learn that google is rewarding my loyal patronage
with this unbelievably FREE ADVERTISING CREDIT
so i think well shit
this is pretty worthless
but it’s free
might as well use it
so i go upstairs and i sign onto their internet bullshit machine
and i go through the process of making an account
giving them my address AGAIN
designing an ad
and i get to the part about how much i am willing to pay per click
and i notice
that while it is possible for me to specify a maximum payout PER DAY
i cannot specify a maximum TOTAL payout
and that in order to activate my ads
i need to give google my credit card info
so that they can start charging me real dollars as soon as their fake ones run out
and then i scroll down the page
to the very bottom
and i see the following
extremely upsetting words:
Note that you’ll be charged a $5.00 activation fee with your first payment.

GOOGLE
HEY
I HAVE A QUESTION:
HOW IS IT COST EFFECTIVE FOR ME TO SEND YOU FIVE DOLLARS
WHEN IT IS NOT COST EFFECTIVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME MY FORTY FIVE DOLLARS
and yet still i wondered how google could afford
to give me a hundred dollar gift card to their ad service
how the fuck do they make a profit?
is it possible that NO ONE is making money off of google ads?
that it is some kind of pit of sarlaag
digesting your money for thousands of years
never coughing up dividends?

well the answer is no
the money google gave me was imaginary money
it is money google will put into the accounts of publishers like me
penny by penny
and never actually have to pay to anyone
because of the ludicrous minimum payment standard
and all of the REAL money advertisers are paying?
30 cents per click or whatever?
well it goes into the accounts of publishers too
but google
being the magnanimous caretaker it is
holds onto it for us
until it is a large enough sum
for them to cancel our accounts for click fraud
and keep it forever

so i guess what I’m saying
is don’t promote your website on google ads
it is basically like pissing into your own mouth

but I am going to keep running google ads on my site
until they cancel my account or I get a check
no matter how hopeless it seems
because some day
in some far off future full of flying cars
and deadly laser pistols
and bipedal cows
google will finally be forced
to pay me a hundred dollars

oh by the way I made a video

keep clicking those links, ladies

Kali gets jiggy with it

Posted on by
26

So it has come to my attention
that one of the few mythoses
which i have not stuck my grubby appendages into
is the pantheon
of India
watch as I rectify that
HARD

so kali right

she is this badass trick alright
she is a chick
who wears a necklace of HUMAN HEADS
has four arms
with which to hold swords
and is the goddess of like
annihilation
and TIME ITSELF

but then
there is this other chick
Durga
who has TEN ARMS
and rides on LIONS
and is INVINCIBLE
and is always carrying like
weapons AND flowers
well ok i guess the flowers dont help much
but anyway
at the beginning of this myth
Durga is trying to kill the shit out of this demon
Raktabija
and raktabija is having none of it
actually he is having less than none of it
because every time durga cuts him
his blood goes flying everywhere
and turns into MORE OF HIM
so the only way to win in this situation
is NOT TO PLAY
and in fact really actually
even that wouldn’t work
because then raktabija would kill you
so Durga gets fed up with this bullshit
and she is like HEY KALI
and Kali comes shooting out of Durga’s forehead
all like WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NEED
ARE THERE THINGS FOR ME TO MURDER
and durga is like shit yes there are
how about these billion demons i just created
and kali is like THAT WILL DO NICELY

so then kali just drinks ALL of raktabija’s blood
like SLURP SLURP MCSLURP BITCHES
and then she hangs some of them i guess cause she has a bunch of nooses
on top of all the swords she also has
and then she puts all the duplicates into her mouth
just sort of places them there
and then murders them all
and spits them all back out all the fuck over everywhere

so then she’s standing in a field of dead bodies
and there is nothing kali likes more
than standing in a field
of dead bodies
so she is like DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE DANCE FEVER COMING ON
OK MAYBE IT IS JUST ME
and she starts boogieing the FUCK out
PS how come spell check thinks boogieing is a word
i am pleasantly surprised

anyway kali is a motherfucking disco inferno all over these corpses
stomping their fucking teeth out all over the place
and one of the bodies
for some reason
is Kali’s husband shiva
dunno what the fuck he was doing there
wearing a demon constume?
was this some kind of like
demon convention
where he was cosplaying?
i don’t fucking know
all i know is shiva seems like kind of a loser
because in all the pictures of him i can find
kali is either standing on his back
or standing on his face
and this is in fact exactly what starts happening now
and shiva is like OW WIFE FUCK OW WHAT
and kali is like oh shit i’m sorry
and she stops dancing
and i guess the rest of the dead bodies are saved

so the moral of the story is
do not get married
because your husband
might end up being one of the dead bodies you are trampling
and his anguished cries
will totally buzzkill the party

the end