Apollo fucks trees

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alright guys

just bought a copy of ovid’s metamorphoses
for fifty cents
in a curio shop
that until today
i thought was a crackhouse
so yall are gonna have to put up with some greek myths for a while

FOR EXAMPLE

there is this dude apollo right
actually he is more of a god than a dude
a god who has gotten all his cocks in a basket
(this being a phrase i just made up
meaning to become full of one’s self)
because he just killed a fucking python
the first python ever
it’s a bigger deal than it sounds actually
and to tell you about it
would require telling you a whole other myth
which is kind of like the biblical flood
but with werewolves
which i was actually gonna tell today
but then i decided fuck it
anyway if you wanna hear it you should let me know

BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND
apollo has got all his cocks in a basket right
and he does what any man in his situation would do
he starts talking shit
he is like I AM THE BEST BOWMAN EVER
NO ONE IS A BETTER BOWMAN THAN ME
and cupid hears him
and is like oh yeah?
how about me?
and apollo is like how about fuck you
and cupid is like how about i use my arrows to make your life a living hell
and apollo is like how about OH SHIT OH DAMN OH SHITDAMN
because cupid is shooting him in the face
or i guess the heart
but really i mean
cupid only has to hit him in the heart
with one of his arrows
no law that says he can’t fire a bunch of other ones
at your face
in fact sometimes i suspect that is exactly what he does
anyway apollo falls in love with the first chick he sees
this broad daphne

but cupid doesn’t stop there
no no no
he gets another arrow
a really blunt arrow
tipped with lead
and he shoots daphne with it
right between the tits
and the face
so in the collarbone i guess
but instead of breaking her collarbone
this arrow has the effect
of making her totally uninterested in boning apollo
not that daphne needed any help with this at all
because she has already pledged to be a virgin forevar
even though she has a totally rockin body

so then apollo shows up
all HEY HEY HEY DAPHNE
I AM HERE TO PERSONALLY DELIVER AN INVITATION
TO A PARTY
IN MY TOGA
IT’S GONNA BE A SMALL PARTY
REALLY MORE OF A KICKBACK
REALLY MORE LIKE JUST YOU AND ME
IN MY TOGA
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
and daphne does not say anything
because she is already running the FUCK away from there

so what is apollo supposed to do?
he starts running after her obviously
and she keeps running away
and he keeps running after her
and apollo is like WOMAN DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM
I AM APOLLO
I AM LITERALLY A GREEK GOD
I KILLED A PYTHON
IT WAS A HUGE DEAL
I CAN PLAY THE LYRE
I CAN TELL THE FUTURE
I CAN HEAL ANY WOUND
YOUR COLLARBONE LOOKS A LITTLE BRUISED LET ME CHECK IT OUT
but daphne is having none of it
she is hauling ass straight to motherfucking egypt if she has to
so she runs
and he runs
and etc
for THREE DAYS
SERIOUSLY THAT MANY DAYS
and the whole time apollo is like RIGHT behind her
like gonna getcha
gonna gonna getcha
and finally
at the end of these three days
daphne gets tired
and apollo does not
and he is like ha HA!
but the place where daphne finally gets tired
is right on the banks of this river Peneus
haha peneus
and guess what guys
that river
is daphne’s DAD
HOLY SHIT PLOT TWIST
actually not really
in the original version
you are given this information from the beginning
this is just bad storytelling on my part
but anyway daphne is like DAD
HELP
TURN ME INTO A TREE SO I DONT GET RAPED
and BAM
first laurel tree ever motherfuckers
right there
where daphne used to be
and apollo runs in
like MAN CAN I TOUCH SOME TIT BEFORE YOU TURN TO WOOD aww

but he salvages the situation
by declaring that from now on
he’s gonna wear a wreath of laurels all the time
and so is his lyre
and some other stuff of his
and some roman dudes
and all this shit
i think the words he actually uses are
“you cannot be my woman but you can be my tree”
which is just intensely creepy
but daphne seems ok with it
i guess because it is either this or rape

so ladies
the moral of the story is
fuck wasting your money on a rape whistle
get adopted by a river named Penis
problem solved

How would you feel if you came home to find that the Iliad had fucked your mother?

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Big news guys
today the amount of imaginary money i have earned
from the google adsense bullshit monetary tomfoolery carnival
broke FORTY DOLLARS!
Only sixty more to go before I am 100 dollars richer
in REAL money
but please don’t interpret this as some kind of a missive
to CLICK MY ADS
that would be against the terms of use or something
anyway here’s a video of some guy with no shirt on

has anyone here
ever actually read the terms of use
all the way through
on anything
ever?

Did you miss the norse? THEY MISSED YOU.

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alright so the aesir right

they are getting sick and tired of not murdering anybody
like
that is what you do when you are an aesir
you murder all the time
giants mostly
but really whatever you can get ahold of

so it is just bad luck that on this particular day
this dude Gullveig shows up
i have no fucking clue who this guy is honestly
other than he is one of the Vanir
who are like the bizarro justice league
to the aesir’s justice league
i think i talked about this before

anyway Odin is like WELCOME TO MY HALL GULLVEIG
HOPE YOU LIKE GETTING STABBED AND SET ON FIRE
and gullveig is like actually i like it fine
and after he is done getting burned to death
he just stands up and is like try again dipshits
so they try again
and then they try a third time
and by this point it becomes pretty clear
that nothing is getting accomplished
so they are like alright dude you can leave
i guess
unless there’s some other way we can murder you?
and gullveig is like no not really
peace
thanks for the stab wounds

so gullveig goes back to the vanir
who already kind of hate the aesir
cause you know
bizarro
and he’s like guess where i just got stabbed and set on fire
and the other vanir are like THE HALLS OF THE AESIR?
and gullveig is like bingo
and the vanir are like MOTHERFUCKING WARTIME UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW

so then there’s a war
and the aesir are pretty confident they can win this shit
in fact odin doesn’t even bother to throw his spear AT the dudes fighting
he just kind of chucks it over their heads
just so that everyone will know he has a spear or something?
anyway that turns out to be a mistake
because the vanir are every bit as strong as the aesir
in fact both sides are so evenly matched
that the war goes on FOR FUCKING EVER
everyone raping the shit out of everybody else’s fields
salting the women
whatever

basically after a while everyone is like ok whoa now
why are we spending all this time murdering each other
and then getting resurrected probably and just doing it again
when there are GIANTS
over in JOTUNHEIM
not getting murdered AT ALL

so they make a truce
and in order to cement the truce
they exchange hostages
the vanir give the aesir Frey and Freyja
Frey being the god of fertility or something
and Freyja being the goddess of like
love
and other icky stuff

meanwhile the aesir are like hrm
who are the most useless people we have?
oh i know
let’s give them this dude Hoenir
and then also this super wise sage Mimir
now together these two dudes are actually pretty great
Hoenir is an awesome leader and general
and Mimir is just an all around super wise dude
you may recall that he has a well somewhere
but eventually the Vanir figure out
that Hoenir is TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON MIMIR
for opinions
like if mimir is not around
hoenir will just be like well shit i dunno
leading the vanir to believe that Hoenir is just some kind of like
illusion or something
which honestly he probably is
i mean the text is not clear here
but i’ve never fucking heard of any Hoenir
who is this guy

so the vanir solve the problem in the best way they know how
they cut off mimir’s head
and mail it to odin
and odin is like fuck what now
oh i know
i’ll have this head REANIMATED
so that it can tell me SECRETS
and this is exactly what he does
and it actually works
adding yet another thing
to the list of bizarre shit
odin does for secrets

meanwhile the aesir don’t chop of Frey’s head
OR Freyja’s head
in fact they treat them really well
and let them have a seat on the council
which basically means that the Vanir won the war
because they get to disagree with EVERYTHING the aesir council says
meanwhile the hostages the aesir gave the vanir
are either headless
or have no opinions

so the moral of the story is
when you lose a war
try and give your enemy some really sweet hostages
and then decapitate all the ones they give you
but probably most of you will probably not win any wars
sorry to say
so i guess just try to apply this moral
to the next time you lose at kickball or monopoly or whatever

the end

What kind of Iliad is it? The MOTHERFUCKING kind. That’s what kind.

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4

So alright
literally like 30 minutes after i posted that last myth
with that shameless plea for money
a kind kind soul
(whose name i will not divulge
out of courtesy
because i know all you bastards would be at his or her door
tomorrow morning
with your tin cups out)
gave me twenty american dollars
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT
I have now made enough money off this blog
to afford the little wireless device
that will give me internet wherever I go
I ordered it two minutes ago
and UPS is bringing it to the house i have broken into
and slept in for the past week and a half
so thank you, kind stranger
here is your awesome reward
or at least 1/4 of it

new city
new hat
same shirtless

Warning: This Myth Contains a Taxi

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Hey guys guess what

some awesome masked superhero
donated ten dollars to me
TEN
AMERICAN DOLLARS
what does that mean guys?
that means that if some combination of caped internet vigilantes
gives me a total of TEN MORE DOLLARS
I will do a video myth
of the ENTIRE FUCKING ILIAD
skipping all the boring parts
guys my car is broken
yesterday I sat in my broken car
with a large bisexual man
who conducted a very personal interview
for three hours
because he said he would pay me 40 dollars
it cost me 50 dollars to get my car towed

anyway here’s a myth

so I hope you like ethiopia guys
because this is the most ETHIOPIAN GODDAMN MYTH
you have heard ALL WEEK
unless you are in the habit of seeking out and reading
very ethiopian myths
and even then
i feel like those would probably just be
exactly the same amount of ethiopian as this myth

basically there is this taxi ok
the taxi driver is giving three animals a ride
because either he is crazy and has nothing better to do
or he is an idiot who thinks animals have money
anyway the animals in his car are a donkey
a goat
and a dog

so the driver comes up to the donkey’s stop
and the donkey is like here you go sir
here is exact change
followed by a reasonable tip for your services
and the taxi driver is like I KNEW ANIMALS HAD MONEY
THEY ALL LAUGHED
BUT I KNEW
and then he speeds off

so then he comes up on the goat’s stop
and the goat does a fucking dive roll out of the car
like HAHA LOOKS LIKE NOT ALL ANIMALS HAVE MONEY ASSHOLE
SEE YOU IN HELL THUNDERTITS
and runs the fuck away

so now it’s just the dog and the taxi driver in the car
and the taxi driver goes ahead and drives the dog
all the way to his stop
and it is pretty awkward the whole way
because like
the dog’s friend just ripped the cabby off for 20 bucks or whatever
but finally they get to dog’s house
and the dog hands the cabbie a hundo
oh wow
did i just fucking say hundo
dammit now i am going to have to spend the rest of the week
going back through the events of my life
to figure out when i became someone i never wanted to be
anyway dog gives the driver a large
LARGE
bill
and is like may i have some change please sir
and the cabbie is like NUP
LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE PAYING FOR YOUR ASSHOLE FRIEND TOO
VROOM BITCH
and he takes off

so of course dog is like AW FUCK NO
and starts running after the cab
and that is how it has been ever since:

dogs run after cabs trying to get their hundos back

goats get the fuck out of dodge cause they still owe money

and donkeys do not give a fuck

so this is actually a very instructive myth
there is a lot of wisdom to be gained
depending on who you are

if you are a donkey
don’t worry about it
you’re good

if you’re a goat
what the fuck asshole
come on

if you’re a dog
try carrying exact change
and having less shitty friends
also instead of running after a fucking car
trying running after your shitty friend
even though he probably doesnt have any money
prolly spent it all on booze and goatwhores

and finally
if you are a taxi driver
which is more likely because you can read
do not give rides to animals
even if they do have money
which they shouldn’t
because they are animals
one in three of them is going to rip you off
although if one does
you can always steal the money from a dog
which shouldn’t be hard
cuz they are already running after your car

The end

Coyote Needs Some Goddamn Ritalin

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Okay so this is pretty crazy

because my friend James just told me this story about constellations
and then i went onto this blog right here
and this chick charlotte
is all up in here
requesting a myth about constellations
my mind is blown

but not blown enough apprently
because i am still going to go ahead and tell this myth

alright so rabbit
he is kind of a complete puss nexus
he is so much of a push over
his wife rolled over to his side of the bed once
and he ended up on fucking mercury
so when the great spirit shows up like HEY
HEY RABBIT
I’VE GOT ALL THESE FUCKING STARS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERGO THE INCREDIBLY MENIAL
MIND NUMBING
FUCKING UTTERLY POINTLESS TASK
OF PUTTING ALL OF THESE STARS IN THAT SKY OVER THERE
ONE BY ONE
IN A VERY PARTICULAR PATTERN
DICTATED BY ME
IN ORDER TO SPELL OUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT LAWS
WHICH I THEN EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW
AND MAYBE ENFORCE ALSO
BASICALLY
I’M GONNA GO GET WASTED WHILE YOU DO MY JOB
and rabbit is like ok dont hurt me

so the great spirit gives rabbit this blanket
full of all the stars ever
which are covered
in ULTIMATE SUPERGLUE
so if rabbit fucks up even once
everything is ruined forever

so of course rabbit is ultra careful
sitting up there in the sky
taking out a star
checking where it’s supposed to go
double checking where it’s supposed to go
gingerly placing it in the sky
doin’ it all again
and again and again

so after like
a hojillion hours
coyote shows up
like HEY ASSCACTUS WHAT’S HAPPENING
and rabbit is like oh fuck
i mean hey coyote
nothing
nothing at all
and coyote is like IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE NOTHING
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE PUTTING ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY
HERE LET ME HELP
and rabbit is like fuck
why don’t i have a spine
ok you can help
so coyote is like OK I SEE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPELLING OUT SOME LAWS
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT
and rabbit is like yes that is the idea
and coyote is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I’M GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET PICTURES OF ANIMALS
CHECK IT OUT THIS ONE IS A FUCKING BEAR
and rabbit is like coyote that is not what we are supposed to do
that is not what we are supposed to do at all
and coyote is like DONT YOU SEE RABBIT
I MADE A FUCKING BEAR
A MOTHERFUCKING BEARRRRRR
OK I’M GONNA DO YOU NOW
WATCH
and rabbit is like coyote i am flattered by your portraiture
even if your medium is precious irreplaceable stars
but if you would just hold on for one moment
and coyote is like TOUGH TITS NANCY BOY
I AM MAKING ALL KINDS OF ANIMALS UP IN HERE
FOX
CAT
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
IS THAT A GODDAMN RHINOCEROS
FUCK NO
GIRAFFE ASSHOLE
but then suddenly
coyote is like WAIT
THIS IS TAKING

WAY

TOO

LONG

I WANNA GO RIDE A BIKE OR SOME SHIT
MAYBE SET SOMETHING ON FIRE
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
I’M COYOTE
ANYWAY I’M HANDLING THIS
and he takes the remaining stars
and chucks them all into the sky
creating the milky way
and that’s why the sky looks so fucked up now

as for rabbit
well
the great spirit only punishes him a LITTLE
for coyote’s actions
so it works out kind of ok in the end
except who the fuck knows what those laws were supposed to be

so the moral of the story is
if you have a friend like coyote
who is a massive toolclown who cannot stop causing problems
invest in some industrial strength solvent
or your friend will get you in trouble with god

the end.

Medea Kind of Sucks Also

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So i hope you like tragedy

because this story right here right now
is a fucking TRAGEDY
like
if you took the last myth I told
with all the child eating and incest rape and everything
and boiled it down
to a thick syrup of misery
and then stirred it into a bowl
of MORE PURE BLACK SORROW
you would get something like this

ok
so medea right
she is this chick
who this great hero jason hooks up with
while he is looking for this golden sweater or something
i’ll prolly talk about that shit on saturday
anyway what’s important right now
is he gets it
and once he has succeeded
and medea has like
killed a dragon for him and junk
he takes here to Crete and is just like
oh by the way
i’m gonna go marry this chick Glauce
have fun raising the two kids i put in you

so medea is like what
and jason is like look bitch
this chick Glauce is a fucking PRINCESS alright
as in PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS
what the fuck are you
some kind of like
barbarian witch
robot dinosaur or some shit
look here’s what i’ll do
some day
when you stop being so pissed of at me for no reason
you can come live with my new family
and like
be my mistress
yeah
that’s what i will do
i will let you have sex with me
behind my wife’s back
someday
maybe

so medea is like well that sounds like a great ideaFUCK YOUUUUUU
and she gets so fucking pissed off
that everyone around her starts fearing for her safety
and their safety
and really the safety of pretty much everything within ten miles
so the king of Crete shows up
like hey woman
calm the fuck down
or you are getting exiled
and medea is like FUCKING MAKE ME
i mean please sir
let me stay in the city just one more day
and be crazy and junk
and the king is like i’ll think about it

and then king aegeus shows up
like HEY WOMAN WHAT IS UP
I AM HAVING TROUBLE PUTTING CHILDREN IN MY WIFE
I HEARD YOU ARE SOME KIND OF BARBARIAN WITCH ROBOT DINOSAUR
CAN YOU HELP WITH THIS
and medea is like sure i can
just help me stay in crete long enough to enact murderous revenge
on my husband and children
and aegeus is like ok no problem

so then medea makes a sweet gold robe
filled with sweet gold POISON
and she is like here children
take this to Jason’s new wife as a wedding gift
i am going to sit here and pretend like i have forgiven everyone
and the children are like ok no problem mother
we love you SO MUCH
we will do anything for you
and they bring the robe to Glauce
and Glauce is like SWEET ROBE DUDES
LEMME JUST PUT IT ON OH SHIT MY BLOOD IS ON FIRE
and then the king of crete is like SHITDAMN LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT
OH NO NOW MY BLOOD IS ALSO BLOOD THAT IS ON FIRE
so medea has effectively killed 2 birds with one stone
or 2 birds with one robe i guess
one poisoned robe
and instead of birds it is nobles
but the metaphor holds

anyway then medea is like ok
that was certainly some revenge
but it was not pointlessly tragic enough
hey loving children
get over here for a second
i am going to stab you right in your childlike innocence
also your face
and the children are like ok mother we will stand here and get stabbed
cuz we love you so much
and then medea stabs them
effectively killing 2 children
with one knife
so points for efficiency
although really the script isn’t clear
whether she uses one or two knives
so for all i know i could be giving her props for nothing

anyway then everyone is dead
or at least a lot of people
and the moral of the story is
if your husband leaves you for another woman
don’t just cut off your nose to spite your face
cut off your fucking CHILDREN

the end.

Thyestes is one Massive Asshole Parade

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ok so get ready to laugh your ass off

there is this guy Thyestes right
he has a brother named Atreus
one day they get together like hey
let’s murder out half-brother Chrysippus
in order to try and become joint kings of this kingdom we live in
OH WHOOPS IT BACKFIRED LOOKS LIKE WE’RE EXILED

so they haul ass over to mycenae
where word of their dickery has yet to spread
and the king there
eurystheus
(remember him?
he’s the guy who shoved his fist
up hercules’ ass
for like 13 years)
is like hey guys
I have to go fight all the children
of the guy who i laughingly fisted for 13 years
wanna take over the throne while i’m gone?
you guys seem trustworthy enough
and Thyestes and Atreus are like SHIT YEAH BITCHESSS
and eurystheus is like alright awesome i trust you guys totally
cya later
and then gets promptly murdered
because he is trying to one-man ALL OF HERCULES’ PISSED OFF SONS

so now atreus and Thyestes are kings of mycenae
but see
it is hard to co-rule a kingdom
alongside a dude
who you already know
has conspired to murder your half brother
in order to be king of something
so plots start getting laid down THICK
thick like ten-ply molasses
so thick
that these plots are now part of the fucking fossil record
archeologists all digging down
finding rich plot deposits
theorizing as to what flavor of raptor
could concoct such incredibly thick plots

ok so what happens
is first atreus decides he wants to get in good with artemis
for whatever reason
seriously artemis is like the worst goddess
for a dude to be friends with
because 1) dudes do not have vaginas
and therefore do not have babies
and having babies
is something artemis helps out with
and 2)
as soon as you devirginize a chick
BAM
i hope you like meat cubes
because that is going to be the new nickname for your dick
after artemis is done throwing a knife party in your pants
and inviting all the knives

but so atreus makes a poor decision
and he cements this poor decision by being like hey
artemis
gonna sacrifice all the best goats in my flock to you
here let me go get them
and he goes and counts his goats all like
1
2
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS MADE OF GOLD
so he runs over to his wife Aerope like WIFE
HIDE THIS GOLDEN GOAT FROM ARTEMIS
YOU KNOW
THE GODDESS I PROMISED TO SACRIFICE IT TO
I NEED THIS GOAT SO BAD
I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHY
HIDE IT PLZ
and Aerope is like no problem
i will hide it
by giving it to the guy i am cheating on you with
it is the perfect hiding place

but PLOT TWIST
turns out Aerope is cheating on Atreus
WITH THYESTES
HOLY SHIT
DID SOMEONE JUST ADD SOME CRISCO TO THIS PLOT
BECAUSE IT SURE AS SHIT STARTED THICKENING JUST NOW
and thyestes is like thanks for this goat
i am going to use it for treachery
HEY ATREUS

so atreus is like whats up bro
and thyestes is like i heard you have a gold goat
and atreus is like i dont know how you know that but yeah
and thyestes is like i have an idea
how about you decree that whoever has that goat is king
then you will be king
and atreus is like i’m already king
we are both already king
and thyestes is like what
you dont want to be DOUBLE KING?
and atreus is like hm when you put it that way
and he goes ahead and makes this retarded degree
which
even if Aerope HADN’T given away the goat
would have made HER king instead of Atreus
and then Thyestes is like PRANKED LOOKS LIKE I’M KING NOW ASSHOLE

so then Atreus is like aw man bro what the fuck
give me the throne back
and thyestes is like sure fine ok
just as soon as the SUN MOVES BACKWARDS IN THE SKY
and atreus is like hey zeus can you do that for me
and Zeus is like sure dude
done
and thyestes is like fuck
i really didn’t expect it to be that easy
welp
looks like i’m banished from ANOTHER kingdom

so then atreus is king again
and he finds out his wife has been boning thyestes
prolly because she is suddenly less sexually satisfied
and he is like DAMN YOU THYESTES
I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS
BY MURDERING AND THEN COOKING YOUR CHILDREN

so he does that
and then he is like hey thyestes no hard feelings
about the whole goat thing
here come back to mycenae
have some food with me
and thyestes is like mm this is good what is this
and Atreus is like YOUR SONS ASSHOLE
and then he brings their hands and heads out from the kitchen
and puts on some kind of fucked up puppet show
which really kind of ruins dinner for everyone
especially thyestes
cause he just ate his kids or something

so thyestes runs away screaming and crying and shit
and he doesnt know what else to do so he goes to an oracle
and the oracle is like you know what you should do
bang your daughter
and then the incest baby you have from that
will kill Atreus
and Thyestes is like DONE

so he goes over to his daughter Pelopia
like hey honey i heard you like incest
and Pelopia is like really
that’s weird because i OH SHIT I’M GETTING RAPED
and she has a baby named Aegisthus
who she can’t stand to look at
cause of the whole incest rape thing
so she sends him to go live with Atreus
who raises him real nice
until one day Thyestes shows up like hey Aegisthus
guess what I am
I am your father
NO WAIT
i am your grandfather
NO WAIT
I am your father AND your grandfather
GUESS WHAT PUSSNEXUS
I RAPED YOUR MOM

and Aegisthus is like RRRRR THIS MAKES ME SO MAD
I AM GOING TO TAKE OUT MY RAGE
ON MY LOVING ADOPTIVE FATHER
BY KILLING HIM
BECAUSE I AM A BAAAAAAD PERSONNNNNN
so he killes Atreus
making Thyestes king AGAIN

so thyestes’ first act as king
is to exile Atreus’ sons
Agamemnon and Menelaus to sparta
but it turns out
you do not want to exile your brother’s warrior sons
to a nation of perfect warriors
because then they come back
and kick the shit out of thyestes
and agamemnon becomes king
and he and menelaus get to marry these spartan chicks
Clytemnestra and Helen respectively
and then helen gets stolen
and the trojan war happens
and while agamemnon is gone
Aegisthus seduces the fuck out of clytemnestra
all like hey wanna help me murder your husband when he comes back
and clytemnestra is like sure ok
so then they do that
they murder him in his bathtub
its like hey honey im home i see you drew me a bath how nice oh shi
so then 8 years later Agamemnon’s kid Orestes shows up
kills clytemnestra AND Aegisthus
and at this point the gods are like alright guys
we get it
you like killing each other
calm the FUCK down
hey orestes
guess what
you’re forgiven
go start a fucking baseball team or something
seriously

so the moral of the story is
have you ever played soccer
or basketball
or any of those sports like that
and did your coach ever tell you
don’t stop playing until you actually hear the ref’s whistle
so yeah the moral of the story is
don’t stop murdering until you actually hear the gods get sick of it
and interfere
you don’t want to stop murdering too early
just because you think its like
wrong or something
hold out for divine interference
they say murder doesn’t stop itself
but that is in fact exactly what it does

The End

ICE MANNNN

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3

So there is this village right

the people in this village are dumbasses
they do not understand how to handle fire
to wit:
they have a fire
and it starts burning
and they do not stop it
so it burns a great big path
right up to a massive poplar tree
sets the tree on fire
burns it to ashes
dances on its grave
sends rude postcards to its poplar family
and then burns a hole in the ground
a huge fucking hole
how does fire even do this

anyway the hole keeps getting bigger
and the people keep trying to put it out
and failing harder and harder
until finally
one of the villagers is like I KNOW WHAT TO DO
WE’LL GET
THE ICEMANNNNN
so they go up north a bit
and they find this dude the ice man
he sounds like a superhero
and he totally is
because when they tell him their problem
what he does
is he unbraids all his hair
and then he cuts off some of it
and starts beating it furiously against his hand
the first time it hits his hand
a cold wind blows
the second time
it starts to rain
then sleet happens
and then it starts to snow hardcore
and ice man is like ok problem solved
go back to your village
i will be there in a couple days

so they go back to the village
to sit helplessly around this burning pit that used to be their lives
and sure enough
a couple days later a wind starts up
but it just makes the fire stronger
and then rain happens
but that just makes scalding steam
and then sleet occurs
and it drowns out the fire
but there is a fuckton of smoke
so then a storm starts up
and everyone hides for a bit
and when they come out in the morning
the giant lake of fire is now just a regular lake
but they say
if you hang out by that lake long enough
you can hear coal crackling at the bottom of it

the moral of the story is
fuck smokey bear
only THE ICE MAN
can prevent forest fires

the end.

Rabbit is a shitty host

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1

So bear invites rabbit over for dinner
and there is a big pot of beans cooking on the stove
and bear is like rabbit are you hungry
and rabbit is like fuck yes i am hungry
i just spent all morning
trying to get bugs out of wood
by beating my face against it like a woodpecker
and now my nose is split forever
and i have no bugs
hook it up bear

and bear is like ok
and takes the beans off the stove
and tries some
and is like hm
needs lard
and he fucking CUTS OPEN HIS OWN STOMACH
AND OOZES FAT INTO THE BEANS
and then they eat the beans together and it is great

but see now rabbit is super fucking jealous
of his animal pal
so the next day
he is like hey bear come over to my house
i will make you some beans
it will be great
and bear comes over
and rabbit takes the beans off the stove
and he tries them
all like HM THIS SURE NEEDS SOME FUCKING LARD
and then he proceeds to disembowel himself
trying to bleed fat into the beanbowl
(PS bleed fat into the beanbowl
sounds like some kind of a euphemism
for sex)
and so he is sitting on the floor dying of blood loss
and like
organ loss
and bear is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I AM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he stitches rabbit up
and then he’s like dude
just because i can do something
does not mean you can also do it
what are you a fucking retard

so the moral of the story is
when it comes to cooking
self-mutilation is not always the answer

the end.