Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool

okay so when last we left our heroes
(man I am never going to get used to using the word “heroes”
to describe elves
it’s like using the word “food”
to describe anything that is not pizza)
they were dealing with a series of excruciating hundred-year truces
during which they had to suffer through unprecedented periods of peace and prosperity
and Morgoth had them in the palm of his gnarled hand
due to his brilliant strategy
of only attacking sporadically and with inferior forces
oh and also
two dudes had dreams and decided to build secret forts

So one of these dudes is called Finrod
he builds an enormous man-cave for all his bros
the other dude is named Turgon
and he builds a
well uh
it’s a little more complicated

so basically Ulmo tells Turgon that there’s this secret garden on top of a mountain
that is only accessible by going inside the mountain
using a tunnel caused by erosion from a river
which Ulmo makes behave so Turgon can go in
and the top of the hill where the garden is
is perfectly flat and stable
because it used to be a lake basin
except wait
it USED to be a lake basin?
so where is the water coming from that made the tunnel Turgon uses?
is this water flowing uphill?
also, where did the water from the lake go?
did it flow downhill somewhere?
if so, why didn’t that water make a canyon
thus rendering this inaccessible mountain retreat accessible?

okay I know what you’re thinking
“Ovid, this is a work of fantasy
you don’t gotta flip your shit over every boring detail”
EXCEPT GUYS
YOU ARE FORGETTING
THAT J.R.R. TOLKIEN IS A DUDE WHO DEDICATES A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES
OUT OF A FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY PAGE BOOK
TO LISTING DUDE’S NAMES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
AND DEFINING THE ELVISH WORD FOR “NICE HAIR”
DUDE IS DETAIL ORIENTED
maybe i just misunderstood the geography though
that’s also possible

anyway Turgon builds a big fancy city up in them mountains
and then he goes there with all his dudes
and it turns out that all his dudes comprise about a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE NOLDOR
DUDE
THEY WERE USING THOSE GUYS TO FIGHT MORGOTH
but Ulmo is pleased as shit about this mass desertion
he’s like hey Turgon
your stronghold is gonna last like forever buddy
or at least it’s gonna be the last thing to go down when Morgoth starts burning shit
but lemme lay a prophecy on you:
eventually shit is gonna suck
and then a dude is gonna come and tell you how to fix it
so what I need you to do
is leave a special sword and some special armor in a special house
so that special dude can find it at a special time
and you will know who he is
here is a list of measurements for the armor
and Turgon is like dude
if you know this guy’s measurements why don’t you just describe him to me
and I’ll be sure to know who he is without all this armor bullshit
and Ulmo is like I AM THE LORD OF THE WATERS
and then he turns into mist and goes to hang out in a girl’s locker room or something

meanwhile, this chick Galadriel
(who is Fingon {the cave guy}’s sister)
is chilling with Melian
(who is the wife of Thingol
who rules over Beleriand
Which is the place the Noldor just randomly showed up in
on their way to find the Silmarils
which were made by Feanor
And then stolen by Morgoth
Who at the time was known as Melkor
And was originally one of the Valar
And all of them have names, too!)
and Melian and Galadriel are just shooting the shit
when suddenly Melian is like hey
we’ve talked a lot about Valinor, where you guys all used to live
but i feel like you guys aren’t telling us something
like about why you got kicked out?
and Galadriel is like oh uh
well
we didn’t get kicked out actually
we left of our own free will cuz Feanor’s dumb
and also because we are dumb enough to consider the Silmarils valuable
and Melian is like wait wait wait
are you saying the Noldor didn’t arrive here to save us from Morgoth’s first attack?
We totally thought that’s why you guys were here!
and Galadriel is like uh
well I mean that was a nice bonus, certainly
but we’re really just here for the bling.

So Melian is understandably pretty pissed
and she still thinks Galadriel is holding out, information-wise
and she totally is, because she managed to leave out the part
about how Feanor and his bros murdered a bunch of dudes and stole their ships
but Galadriel refuses to talk any more shit
so Melian just goes and tells her husband Thingol what she knows
and Thingol is like what the shit
what the unbelievable shit
I was already pissed off about these fancy high elves shitting up my countryside
but this is just too much
and then somebody else walks in
like hey has anyone told you guys about how Feanor murdered all those elves for their ships yet?
cause he totally did
that’s prolly something you should know
and suddenly the atmosphere in the room is REAL tense
because it turns out that Thingol has been in a meeting with some of the Noldor
THIS WHOLE TIME
so they’re all sitting there like uhhh
sorry?
and Thingol is like SORRY ISN’T GONNA CUT IT GUYS
YOU MURDERED DUDES FOR BOATS
FOR BOATS, GUYS
YOU CAN BUY THOSE
and then one of the Noldor who didn’t murder any guys is like HEY
WE’RE NOT ALL BOAT-OBSESSED MURDER ENGINES, OKAY?
SOME OF US ARE ALRIGHT DUDES
and Thingol is like OKAY I BELIEVE THAT
BUT WE’RE ALL SHOUTING SO MUCH THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING RASH
SO HOW ABOUT THIS:
FROM NOW ON NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SPEAK NOLDOR-ESE I MY KINGDOM
OR ELSE THEY GET BANISHED
and all the Noldor are like Ah jeeze now we gotta learn another language
but they deal with it because whatever, that’s not really that big a deal

MEANWHILE
Fingon is down in his man-cave
and so naturally he has no wife with him
and Galadriel comes to visit
because Galadriel just goes around visiting everyone apparently
and she’s like hey dude
why no wife?
and he’s about to say “man, I dunno”
but instead he’s all of a sudden just like
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SWEAR AN OATH AND THEN DIE HORRIBLY AND LEAVE NOTHING FOR MY CHILDREN TO INHERIT
and Galadriel is like oooookayyyyy
and Fingon is like oh shit what did I say
I hope it wasn’t a prophecy or anything

so the moral of the story
is that elves
are all gossipy bitches

NOT THE ENNNDDDDD

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10 thoughts on “Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool

  1. I’ve never understood why Tolkien Elves where so quick to go to war. They don’t grow old or die of disease, so why rush headlong into the one way you can die? If I were a Tolkien elf I’d be the biggest pussy. Kind of like I am now.

  2. I love your summaries! The Silm is rather dense and this helps lighten it a little.

    Just a note, I think it’s Finrod with the man-cave that Galadriel visits, not Fingon.

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  4. The “water flowing uphill” thing is a chronic problem in Middle Earth. If Derndingle is a bowl and there’s a stream bubbling up in the side of the bowl, why isn’t Derndingle an Entish swimming hole?

  5. Pingback: Tuor is Useless | Myths RETOLD

  6. To Ace: maybe water just flows uphill in middle earth
    (or maybe Ulmo just decided to do that because HE IS THE LORD OF THE WATERS)

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