Bartholomew Cubbins is a P-I-M-P

Okay so there’s this kid who has some crandberries
his name is Bartholomew Cubbins
he lives in the projects in a kingdom called Didd
which is how he feels every time he has to go sell these fucking cranberries.

The only nice thing this dude owns
(other than the cranberries
which are only debatably nice)
is this pimp-ass red hat
with a feather that manages to stick STRAIGHT UP
no matter how much poverty it is subjected to.

So one day Bartholomew goes into town with his cranberries and his cranberry basket
and he’s about to start hustling some cranberries all up in these streets
okay is it just me or does it sound like this kid is a drug dealer?
maybe that’s just because I kinda made it sound that way on purpose.
Whatever.
Look, the point is he doesn’t even get to sell even one baggie of crack
before the MOTHERFUCKING KING APPEARS
with the silver trumpets blaring and whatnot
(as a sidenote
while i was listening to the record of this story
i noticed that this is totally where this DJ called Wax Tailor
got like half his samples for this song called Sit and Listen
which is a really sweet song
and also totally irrelevant to everybody who doesn’t know who wax tailor is.
Good thing I’m writing this myth and not you
because otherwise we all would have missed out on this delightful tidbit)
Anyway there’s a rule in these parts
that whenever the king is in town
dudes gotta take off their hats
so Bartholomew takes off his hat
and then the king rolls up and he’s like HEY
KID
I BELIEVE THERE IS A RULE ABOUT TAKING OFF YOUR HAT WHEN I AM IN TOWN
and Bartholomew is like yeah that sounds right
and the King is like AHEM
I BELIEVE YOU ARE WEARING A HAT RIGHT NOW SIR
and Bartholomew is like no I’m not man I just took off my hat a second agOHHH SHIIIIIT
because then he reaches up and finds ANOTHER hat on top of his head
so he takes it off and apologizes profusely
but then there is ANOTHER hat
and ANOTHER
it is like his skull is a clowncar
except instead of clowns it is hats
and it is SO MUCH FREAKIER TO IMAGINE IT THAT WAY THAN THE WAY IT REALLY IS.
Anyway then the king is like YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT DUDE
YOU’RE UNDER ARREST.

So they take Bartholomew in for questioning
even though it is obvious what is wrong:
dude has some kind of … scalp disease?
Wait I lied
what the fuck is going on?
Well, everyone tries diligently to answer that question
all the while knocking more and more hats off this kid’s head.
They bring in a hatmaker
they bring in some wise men
and with their combined expertise
they manage to knock four more hats of bartholomew’s head
then they bring in the archduke
who is this dick named Wilfred
who just keeps firing arrows at Bartholomew
and missing his face and hitting his hat and then there are more hats
and then they’re like wait
why don’t we bring in our wizards to fix this.

WAIT
THEY HAD WIZARDS THIS WHOLE TIME?
INFINITE HATS SEEMS TO BE LIKE THE QUINTESSENTIAL WIZARD PROBLEM.
WHEN I SEE A DUDE WITH INFINITE HATS
well
first of all I never see that
and second of all I don’t have wizards
BUT IF I DID
and IF I SAW THAT
IT WOULD BE MOTHERFUCKING WIZARDS FROM DAY ONE
but actually the wizards turn out to be pretty useless
because they can only cast spells that will take effect seven years from now
kinda like congress.
Still
this doesn’t explain why everybody’s surprised about this hat thing
if you’ve got wizards around
this shit is bound to happen.

Anyway at this point the king is out of ideas
so he figures he better just kill this guy
because he hates being confused and murder generally solves confusion
by making less of whatever it is you’re confused about.
So he sends bartholomew down to the executioner
and the executioner is like uh
we have a rule
no getting your head chopped off without removing your hat first.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS KIGNDOM AND DUMB RULES ABOUT HATS?
So obviously they can’t kill Bartholomew
so he just struts into the throne room again
dope as you please
surrounded by hat-dunes as far as the eye can see
and Wilfred is like hey wait a second
decapitation is not the only way to murder people
we have this tall-ass castle to drop people out of, too!
and Bartholomew is like WILFRED YOU ARE SUCH A DICK
and the king is like I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, WILFRED

so they’re dragging bartholomew up to the top of the castle
and all the while
he is shedding more hats like a whole shipping container full of british gentlemen
but then SUDDENLY
THE HATS START GETTING DOPE AS SHIT
IT IS LIKE THE HATS ARE FUCKING UNDERNEATH THE OTHER HATS
AND PRODUCING FUCKED-UP GLAMMED-OUT HATBABIES
so Bartholomew gets real caught up in upgrading his domewear
seeing as this is the hat he’s gonna be buried in
and then he pulls off his four-hundred-and-ninety-ninth hat
and underneath it is THE MOST LUDICROUSLY UNNECESSARY PIECE OF HEADGEAR IN EXISTENCE
it is like a septuple-decker crowncake topped in rhinestones and charisma
it is what would happen if Frank Lloyd Wright had designed the leaning tower of pizza
but everyone forgot to tell him it was actually supposed to be a hat
this hat
is FUCKING NUTS.

So the king sees it and he’s like
I WILL GIVE YOU FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THAT HAT
and Bartholomew is like SOLD.
and then he gives it to the king and THERE ARE NO MORE HATS UNDERNEATH IT
it is like his scalp disease used up all its hat energy on this monster
and then he gets 500 bucks and he goes home
and his mom whups his ass for losing the cranberry basket
and then the castle janitors dump the other 400 or so hats into the ocean
and baby dolphins choke on them and die.

So the moral of the story
is that persistence is the key to success
especially if you are an executioner
and you need to remove someone’s hat to execute them.
Seriously, if he’d just kept going this story would have been a lot different.

The end.

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King Muchukunda Knows How To Get His Nap On

Alright guys
so there’s a rumor going around about this book I am writing.
Well here’s the deal guys:
Because of the way publishers work
(which you should not ask me to explain, because I do not know)
My book is not going to be coming out until NEXT MARCH
so you are going to have to sit tight and try not to forget I exist
FOR LIKE A YEAR
which is bullshit, I know
but sometimes life is bullshit
sometimes it isn’t, though
sometimes it is hilarious and filled with rad explosions
like for example in this hindu story:

So fertility potions, right?

We’ve all heard of them
mostly while perusing our spam folders
but did you know
that shit is for CHICKS ONLY?
Yeah, dudes are not supposed to drink that stuff
sorry dudes
mannyxx74.horselegs@dickheaven.cx was lying to you.

Perhaps I should explain.
See back in ancient hindu times
this random dude gets the Brahmin to make a fertility potion for his wife
but then he gets thirsty/amnesia and just drinks it himself
and gets PREGNANT
and then has to have THE MOST BRUTAL C-SECTION.
Yeah
it’s not pretty.

But what IS pretty
is the son what gets birthed out his meathole.
This son is named King Muchukunda
because even before he is smart enough to stop shitting himself constantly
this dude is A-1 king material
the prevailing theory being
that there was no sissy vagina to wussify this baby out
which honestly I think is pretty sexist.

ANYWAY
true to form, it is not long before Muchukunda is king
and he is SUCH A GOOD KING
that the gods at one point get fed up with their constant war against demons
and they’re like “Hey Muchukunda
solve this for us?”
Dudes
if you are ever in a position where gods hit you up for advice
i feel like you have either won the universe
or found a universe with really weaksauce gods.
Maybe the two go hand in hand.
Whatever
the point is, Muchukunda solves the demon problem permanently and with the greatest of ease
so then the gods are like “Damn, dude
you just killed all the demons.
That’s more we could do in ALL OF OUR INFINITE LIFESPANS
HOW ABOUT SOME BOONS FOR THIS KING OVER HERE.
WHAT KIND OF BOONS WOULD YOU LIKE?
MEGABOONS, OR ULTRABOONS?”
and Muchukunda is like “Well actually
I’m pretty tired after solving all your problems.
I think I just want to go take a nap
FOREVER
AND ANYONE WHO WAKES ME UP GETS SET ON FIRE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE HEAT VISION.”
And all the gods are like “Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.”

So they put Muchukunda to sleep
and they give him heat vision and bury him under a mountain.
They don’t even pull a dick move and put him in the middle of like
a busy intersection or something
where he would constantly be getting woke up and setting dudes on fire
even though that would be hilarious
because these are GODS
not some bullshit genies.

So years and years and megayears pass
and Muchukunda is STILL asleep
and meanwhile that big hunk of ultragod, Vishnu
manages to get himself incarnated as this little rascal named Krishna
and since Krishna is basically just some dude-shaped godsauce
he has no problem becoming king of most of the things that are nearby
nearby the KNOWN WORLD, that is.
Anyway, shit is pretty sweet
(not literal shit
although maybe yes
they SAY Krishna’s kingdom was a utopia
although I don’t know if I’d EVER want to eat shit
even in a utopia
wait
ESPECIALLY in a utopia.)
until suddenly a barbarian shows up
and Krishna could just crush him with god powers
except instead he decides to be a rapscallion about it
and lure the dude into a cave
and then hide
and the cave he picks
happens to be where MUCHUKUNDA IS SLEEPING

so the barbarian lord busts into the cave and he’s like HA HA
THOUGHT YOU COULD DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A SLEEPING DUDE, DID YOU?
THAT IS SO STUPID I SHOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER IT AS AN OPTION.
OH WELL, TIME TO WAKE YOU UP WITH MY SWORD.
So he does
and then Muchukunda incinerates him with his heat vision
and then he turns around to incinerate Krishna
because really it’s all Krishna’s fault
but then he realizes who Krishna is
and he’s like oh man
I almost made a BIIIIG mistake
i guess I better go outside and see what the world is like, huh?

so he does
but it turns out everyone just got real short
and he gets tired of bumping his head on doorways
so he moves to the mountains and becomes a sage
and probably takes many more successful naps.

so the moral of the story
is you need to get off your ass.
Come on
you can sleep when the gods grant you a boon after you destroy ALL THE DEMONS.

The end.

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Drums are Good For More Than Just Funky Beats

I didn’t know they had shamans in Russia
but guess what?
THEY TOTALLY DO.
There is this tribe of dudes called the Buriat
and these dudes are pretty much DROWNING in shamans
in fact, i think i feel a story about one of them coming on right now
OH SHIT HERE IT IS

So Morgon-Kara is the first shaman of the Buriat tribes ever had
and he is EXCEEDINGLY COMPETENT
he is so competent
that he can BRING BACK THE DEAD.
That is more than competence my friends.
That is
dare I say
WITCHCRAFT?
Whatever
this dude don’t give a fuck.
He gives so few fucks
that eventually the lord of the dead actually FILES A COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM WITH GOD.
Guys
I don’t care who you are or what you are accused of
if it caused a GOD to pass your name UP THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
you are doing pretty well in my book.

So God is like “I’m about to school this chump.”
and what he does
is he takes some random dude’s soul
and stuffs it in a bottle
and then covers the opening of the bottle with his thumb
like you might do if you wanted to kill an insect and you were a big jerk
and apparently souls need oxygen
because it’s not long before the guy whose soul it is starts getting REAL SICK
so of course he calls up the resident shaman
who happens to be Morgon-Kara
because honestly
if you have a shaman who can raise the fucking dead
you are not going to mess around with any piddling imitators
this dude’s schedule must be PACKED.
I wonder how much he charges?
I wonder how much health insurance was in ancient Siberia
I wonder if shamans are covered under health insurance
because if so
why am I wasting my time with all these fucking doctors
I bet this dude could’ve just turned my erectile dysfunction into a hot chick or something

ANYWAY
Morgon-Kara comes over to this dude’s place and he’s like “alright man
lemme go ahead and take your blood pressure
your temperature
okay, okay, good…
now it is time to go on a badass adventure to find your soul so i can fix it
SEE?
SO MUCH BETTER THAN A REAL DOCTOR.
So he jumps on his GIANT MAGIC DRUM
and starts rocking out to some INCREDIBLE BEATS
these beats are so incredible
they override gravity
and the drum just starts zooming all over the place
including INTO HEAVEN where God is
and before too long
he sees God sitting up there
just choking the shit out of that dude’s soul in a bottle.
I just like the image of an all-powerful celestial authority
with nothing better to do than hold his thumb over the mouth of a beer bottle
just to prove a point about how a sassy shaman isn’t as great as he thinks.
I mean, whose side is God on?
Shouldn’t he be happy that humans have figured out a way to deal with that whole death thing?
I mean if you’re an all-powerful creator
i feel like death has got to be like
the big inksplotch you accidentally left at the corner of the canvas
the one that kinda looks like balls
and if I was god, I would probably be like SWEET
WAY TO DO MY JOB FOR ME ONCE AGAIN, HUMANS
but instead he’s got to cater to the whining of his death god
and I don’t even get why “death god” needs to be a job
that’s like if they invented a managerial position at wal-mart
called chief supervisor of punching you in the balls
it’s just not good business sense
what kind of universe is this dude running here?
where is the invisible hand of the market when you need it?
Fuck!

uh… where was i?
Oh yeah, the bottle.

So Morgon-Kara sees God busy being a jerkass
so he turns himself into a wasp
because that is ANOTHER thing he can do
and then he stings the SHIT out of God’s face
so he’s like “OW FUCK” and starts grabbing his face and letting go of the bottle
and the dude’s soul is like “AAAAA I’M FREE NOW!”
and the dude gets better
and everyone is a little unnerved to learn
that their universe is being run by a dude who not only doesn’t give a fuck about them
but also can be easily overcome by a guy pretending to be an insect
although actually
those two facts taken together kinda cancel each other out
it would probably be worse if it was just one or the other.

Anyway, then Morgon-Kara is running away on his sweet flying drum
but a flying drum is not the best implement of stealth
given that in order to make it go
you have got to rock out with the combined angular momentum of a THOUSAND COCKS COMING OUT
so god hears these shamanistic dicks flying into his ears and he’s like “MORGON-KARA
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SPECIAL FUCKING-WITH-MORTALS TIME”
and then he REALLY shows Morgon-Kara what’s what
by breaking his drum in half.

Wait
that’s it?
That’s all he can do?
He doesn’t even make the drum unusable
he cuts it in half circumference-wise
so that Morgon-Kara can still use it as a fucking drum!
This guy SUCKS!

But yeah
then morgon-kara lives happily ever after
although his beats are marginally less phat than they used to be.

So the moral of the story
is that you should always try to be good enough at your job
that it pisses off god.

THE END.

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Dicks dicks dicks.

Here’s one you probably haven’t heard before:

So this takes place in India
and as I’m sure we all rashly assume
India is just CRAWLING with sages
Like you cannot open up your refrigerator to get some eggs
without half a dozen sages crawling out and giving boons to your raisin bran.
But EVEN SO
the sage that this story is about
manages to totally distinguish himself.

See, one day this dude is resting by the side of the road
next to these things they have in India called lingams.
Now for those of you that don’t know
(for example, me before I did a quick google image search)
a lingam is just a big stone dick sticking out of a big stone vagina.
It looks like this:

Actual Size

The balls are my own addition.

And it doesn’t just look like that
that’s what it’s supposed to be.
It’s supposedly about the unity of god and goddess or something
but I think it’s mainly just about how sexytimes are awesome and people like to carve boners.
ANYWAY

So this sage is resting by this sex sculpture
and he does the natural thing for a very relaxed dude to do
which is he kicks up his feet and places them on this holy statue.
Now along comes a priest
and the priest is like DUDE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
THAT DONG-VAG COMBO IS TOTALLY SACRED
GET YOUR FEET OFF THERE.
And the sage is like oh shit dude, sorry
I totally wanna do what you’re telling me
But I’m kinda already super relaxed though
could you please kindly put my feet somewhere where there ISN’T a totally sacred dong-vag combo?
and the priest is like GLADLY.

So the priest picks up this dude’s feet
and moves them a little to the left
and then he puts them down and SPROING
here comes a brand new dick, charging out of the ground to meet this guy’s feet
or should I say MEAT his feet?
Eh?
Eh?
Moving on.

So then the priest picks up his feet and moves them to the right
and SPROING
GROINS AHOY
and the priest keeps doing this
until there is basically just a forest of dicks around these two sweaty men in the forest
at which point the priest is like this is getting a little too weird for me
how about I just bow down to you and then get the fuck out of here?
Uh
you’re the greatest.
No homo.
And then he’s gone and the sage gets to chill out in peace
surrounded by a theoretically limitless quantity of stone penii
(actually I don’t know if they are stone penii or actual penii.
I guess that is yet another
MYSTERY FOR THE AGES.)

Anyway, the moral of the story is supposed to be something about cosmic unity.
I call bullshit.
The real moral of the story
is watch where you step
cause dicks are lurking EVERYWHERE.

The end.

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Moses Apparently Has Some Things He’s Not Telling Us

Hey guys
what do you know about VOODOO?!
Nothing?
GOOD. I WILL HELP YOU TO CHANGE THAT.
STARTING
NOW.

So Moses
yes
I said Moses
calm down.
I know everybody thinks Moses is just a bible dude
but he is actually a voodoo dude, too
just, nobody likes to talk about that part
because it makes Moses kind of look like a dick.
See, what happened is that back in the day, Moses got himself initiated into Voodoo
man
let me just say that Voodoo is a super fun word to type
voodoo
voooooodoooooo
okay, moving on
So Moses is a voodoo guy.
He gets married to the daughter of this black dude named Jethro
who is the dude who taught him all the voodoo.
The name of the daughter is Sephora.
So Moses and Sephora get to bangin’
and they pop out two gorgeous babies
and in this version of the story, we are assuming Moses is white
even though I don’t really know why he would be
so these are some mixed-race babies, like the president.
Their names are “He-Who-Lives-In-A-Foreign-Country” and “Help-of-God”
Or Gershom and Eli-Ezer for short.
But Miriam and Aaron, Moses’s sister and incompetent nincompoop brother -
Oh man, nincompoop!
Another great word!
Nincompoop
voodoo
nincompoop voodoo
oooooooooooo
OKAY, ANYWAY
Miriam and Aaron are like “Okay, Moses
we don’t have any problem with black people
like
in GENERAL
but we uh
just don’t want our brother marrying one, okay?
This isn’t a race thing
it’s just a…
yeah, it’s totally a race thing.”
And moses is like “Fuck. Fine, then.”
And he divorces Sephora
who I guess goes on to start her own highly successful makeup company.
But that’s not enough of a dick move for Moses
so when he makes the first hebrew temple
he totally shits in Voodoo’s hands
by finding the exact spot that the center pole would be if it was a voodoo temple
and putting his big fat staff right there
like BAM
FUCK YOU JETHRO
FUCK YOU SEPHORA
FUCK YOU VOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and then Voodoo gets mad and gives Miriam leprosy
so HAH.

So the moral of the story
is don’t divorce the daughter of a dude who just taught you a system of POWERFUL MAGIC.
At least, not if you value your sister.

The end.

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So It Turns Out Atlantis Was Full of Terrible People

I got curious today
not about Atlantis, though
about something else
but you know how Wikipedia is.
So
the only reason anyone is even talking about Atlantis in the first place
is that Socrates makes some offhanded comments about it in his dialogues
or actually this politician named Critias makes the comments
but maybe Socrates is putting words in Critias’s mouth
or maybe Plato is putting words in Socrates’s mouth
I mean, Plato was not above being a total dick, so it’s possible.
Either way, the story is a fever-dream style mishmash of mythology, history, and dumb lies
and it goes a little something like this:

Back in the day, the Greek gods were dividing up the earth amongst themselves
because it’s not like they already had dominion over everything to begin with
and Poseidon gets handed this sweet little plot of land in the middle of the atlantic ocean
actually, the plot of land is not little
and the ocean isn’t called the Atlantic ocean.
That comes later.
Actually, it comes right now.
I am sorry if it seems like this tale is suffering from premature ejaculation
I am just SUPER excited and I haven’t been sleeping well and I swear this never happens to me
It’s you, dear reader.
You are just too sexy.
Anyway, Poseidon falls deeply in love with a lady named Cleito
and when I say deeply in love
I mean deeply in boners
DEEPLY in boners
still boners run deep, my friends
and rapidly moving boners run deeper still.
YES. GOOD.
Look, I have facts to back this up though:
the facts take the form of the FIVE PAIRS OF TWINS that Poseidon and Cleito have together.
That is a lot of twins.
MOVING ON.

So Poseidon suddenly has all these twins to deal with
but he doesn’t want to try parenting
he still has his life to live
so instead he figures he can probably buy them all off with gifts
gifts of LAND.
Poseidon, what makes you think babies want land?
What is a baby going to do with vast tracts of land?
Poop on them?
The average baby can only poop on maybe an acre, TOPS
and you would STILL HAVE TO FEED IT.
But luckily for poseidon
greek babies pop out of the womb fully formed and ready for a career in agriculture
so he goes ahead and divides up this island he got amongst them
he gives most of the island, including this bigass volcano
to his favorite son, Atlas
and THAT is why the island is called Atlantis
and THAT is why the ocean that it’s in is called the Atlantic ocean.
Man, if the greeks had only known how big that ocean was
like for real
I bet they would have picked a more important god to name it after.
Then Poseidon gives the other half of the island to Atlas’s twin
and then …
and then Critias realizes he planned this wrong because he forgot how fractions work
and he’s just like “Oh, and everyone else got land too.”
Meaning that Poseidon just sold them some choice real estate at the bottom of the marianas trench.

So Atlas and his bro(s) get super excited about this new island
and they go about making all these improvements
digging moats and whatnot
it sounds really sweet
it sounds like what I always used to wish my sand castles would turn out like
but instead they turned into dramatic fury-induced cave-ins that vaguely resembled dogshit.
Gods do not have those kinds of problems, though, so atlantis turns out great.
In fact, Atlantis turns out TOO GREAT.
It turns out so great
that some of its greatness spills over and starts conquering europe and africa.
So the Atlanteans are about to take over egypt and greece
and basically every place else
but oh shit, what’s this?
It looks like some plucky Athenians have mounted a resistance
and HOORAY, THE DAY IS SAVED
pay no attention to the fact that all three of the dudes who could have been telling this story
were born and raised in Athens, Greece.
NO BIAS HERE, FRIENDS.
Whatever
either way, Atlantis gets beat off by Athens
and then gets so embarassed by the whole thing
that it sinks under the ocean
“in a single day and night of misfortune”
which is ancient-dude-code for “everybody got WAYYYY too tipsy.”
and then Poseidon is like “Thanks a lot guys. Now I gotta get a new giant island.
Oh wait, the ocean is way better. Why did I even want an island? That was dumb.”
And then Atlas is unemployed
so he has to get a job holding up the earth forever.

So the moral of the story
is that advanced prehistoric civilizations sink for a REASON.

The end.

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Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team

Oh, Joseph Campbell
you tell me the silliest stories

Okay so there’s five celtic bros
they are the sons of this dude named Eochaid
i’m not sure if this is the same Eochaid I’ve already talked about
probably he’s not though
because one of the bros you are about to hear about is named Niall
who Eochaid kills in the other story
so I dunno
either it’s a different Eochaid
or they have a really shitty family
BOTH ARE PLAUSIBLE

ANYWAY
Niall and his four other bros are all lost somewhere in Ireland
and this is bad because nobody thought to pack any water
so they’re like alright gang
let’s split up
and try to find some water
and by split up
I mean let’s all take turns going to the EXACT SAME PLACE
so they do.
So the first dude to find a well is this dude Fergus
you can already tell he’s gonna fuck up
because he’s named Fergus
when has anyone named Fergus ever done anything right?
I am sorry if your name is Fergus
and doubly sorry if your name is Fergus Fergeson
but that is exactly why they invented changing your name

so anyway, Fergus Ferguson finds this well
and standing in front of the well
is just the most BODACIOUSLY UGLY BROAD
he has EVER SEEN
to say that she had a horse-face would be an understatement
it is more like her face is the balls of a horse
or else her whole body is a horse’s taint
not a good horse, either
and definitely not a good taint
although I guess
what taint has ever been good
the point is
even a passing glance at this wench while perusing a where’s waldo puzzle
would be sufficient to induce a permanent and debilitating case of dickwilt
I mean this chick’s got TUSKS, man
GREEN TUSKS.
This is not even human stuff anymore
this is like a missus-potato-head of disaster up in this well.

So obviously Fergus sees this chick and he is just like HIGGITY HELL NO
and the chick is like dude
i haven’t even made my offer yet
my offer is:
you can have as much of this well-water as you want
if you make out with my lips
and Fergus is like BITCH I WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN LOOKING FOR YOUR LIPS
AND ONCE I FOUND THEM I WOULD WANT TO IMMEDIATELY PUT THEM BACK WHERE I FOUND THEM
I WOULD STRAIGHT UP RATHER DIE OF DEHYDRATION WHILE SHITTING MYSELF TWICE IN A CHURCH PEW
and the chick is like alright dude, suit yourself
and Fergus goes back to his bros

so this keeps happening
obviously
I mean why would there be five bros in this story if they weren’t all gonna make the same mistake
so Olioll, Brian and Fiachra all do the same thing Fergus did
and they all come back without any water
and they all congratulate each other on maintaining their high standards
even in the face of IMMINENT DEATH
until finally the fifth bro
who is named Niall, like I said earlier
is like guys
fuck this
we need water
and you are all acting like fucking third-graders
brb

so Niall goes to the well
and the chick is like You know the deal, right?
and Niall is like ayup
dig out them lips, sister
and she does
and he he’s like Check it out
i will even throw in a hug for free
so he gets all physical with the witchbag
and then WHABAM
INSTANT HOT CHICK
Okay honestly guys
who among you did NOT see this coming?
I swear
I feel like dudes in myths would have so much easier times
if they just knew they were in myths
so Niall is like girl
you are a galaxy of charms
can I get your number?
which is SUCH A GOOD LINE AND I AM GOING TO USE IT ALL THE TIME
and the chick is like we do not have phones, so no
but i will give you my name
I am ROYAL RULE
and by making out with me you have been entered to win KINGSHIP FOREVER
so congratulations
you and your kids are gonna be all the kings
oh and my ugliness was a metaphor for how you have to fight battles to be king and stuff
and Niall is just sort of nodding and staring at her tits so he probably misses that part
but then yeah
he brings water back to his bros
and they don’t die
and also he gets to be king for a longass time
until Eochaid
who may or may not be his dad
puts an arrow all the way through his skull.

So the moral of the story
is that it is truly a great and noble thing
to be the wingman.

THE END.

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The Turnip Princess is another one of those goddamn fairytales

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT:

THEY FOUND SOME NEW FAIRYTALES

LOCKED IN SOME DUDE’S LIBRARY IN GERMANY.
AWWWWW YEAH.
Yeah apparently some dude exhaustively chronicled a whole mess of tales
but it turns out he did it in a really boring way
so everybody made a point of forgetting about his dumb book in a library
I am not going to make his mistake
I am going to tell you this story
WITH SWEARS:

So there’s this prince right?
Yeah, this story doesn’t fuck around
PRINCES: LINE ONE.
WHAT’S NEXT?
BEARS?
yes, actually.
bears.
because what happens is this prince gets lost and he stumbles into a cave
(something you should NEVER DO in fairytales)
and when he wakes up
BAM
BEARS
or actually,
just one bear
and one ugly witch
but wait
this witch is ugly
like witches be
but then in the next line it turns out she’s
actually beautiful?
what?
is this like one of those magic eye illusions
where if you stare at her tits long enough and cross your eyes she turns into jessica rabbit?
well, whatever the reason
it freaks out the prince, and he can’t stand her
but she wants to marry him, obv
because princes are choice bootay in this day and age
and he is having none of it
but she is a witch so of course he can’t leave
until one day the bear comes up to him and starts talking
WHAT
TALKING BEARS
oh yes of course.
this is not unusual
Germany used to be a really fucked up place
forget raptors, man
what if BEARS could THINK??
anyway, the bear is like “Dude,
all you gotta do
is just take that rusty nail out of the wall over there
and go out to the turnip field out there and put it under a turnip
and somehow this will net you a hot wife
and FREE ME OF WHATEVER CURSE I AM MANDATORIALLY REQUIRED TO HAVE AS A MEMBER OF THIS TALE”

so the prince has nothing to lose
he yanks that nail out the wall so hard it pretty much causes an EARTHQUAKE
this was some structural support nail or some shit
but then he just goes ahead and fucks everything up
because when he gets out to the field a monster shows up
and he’s like “AAH, A MONSTER” and he stabs himself with the nail
and somehow manages to not get tetanus
but somehow DOES manage to bleed so hard he PASSES OUT
HEMOPHELIA: ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE ULTIMATE COCKBLOCK

so the prince wakes up with a sweet beard and no idea where he is
so he starts wandering around
which if I am remembering correctly
is exactly how he got into this city of problems to begin with
and pretty soon he runs up on a thorn bush
and being that this is ancient times and they don’t know what hemophelia is
he just grabs right onto that thorn bush and yanks off a branch
and it turns out okay, i guess, because he doesn’t start bleeding again
but then he’s got this thorn branch
and he doesn’t know what to do with it
because seriously
what is there to do with a fucking thorn branch
plus he’s sleepy and he doesn’t wanna accidentally start bleeding in his sleep
so he does the sensible thing
and just stabs it into the nearest turnip
and goes to sleep

so then in the morning he wakes up
and the thorn branch has turned into that rusty nail he impaled himself on earlier
and not only that
but instead of being stabbed into the turnip
the turnip has turned into a crazy kind of shell
with the nail inside
and all kinds of half-formed ladyfeatures on the outside.
That’s right
we are now dealing with
POD PEOPLE
OLDE GERMANY
HOW DID YOU GET POD PEOPLE

but the prince doesn’t see it that way
probably because he hasn’t seen invasion of the bodysnatchers
so he just blithely picks the nail out of the ladyshell
and brings it back to that cave he was in before
which he now magically knows how to get back to
and then he sticks the nail in the wall
LIKE A DUMBASS
and BOOM
here come the old witch and the bear
and the prince is like OLD LADY
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT HOT CHICK
SHE KID OF LOOKS LIKE A TURNIP
and the old lady is like haha you got me
I think that was actually me or something?
and the prince is like
FOOL ME ONCE:
SHAME ON BEARS
FOOL ME TWICE:
I WILL PROBABLY GET WRECKED BY BEARS
so he just pulls the nail HALFWAY out of the wall
and he sees the bear turn into a crazy half-man half-bear
and the old witch turn into a crazy half-hot-chick half-witch
which begs the question:
which half?
and then I guess the prince is satisfied that he is not being tricked?
so he pulls the nail all the way out and the old witch turns into a hot chick
and then she and the prince get married
because at the end of the day nothing but tits really matter at all.

So the moral of the story
is that stabbing people with rusty nails
is the key to a healthy relationship

THE END.

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The Bitch and Her Friend

Yep.

This is one of those stories where I can just transcribe the title directly
and it will sound like I wrote it
not only does it sound like I wrote it
it sounds like story should go something like
“So one time I ran up on this bitch, right
man
she was a HUUUUGE bitch
like, HUGE
but man
MAN
you shoulda seen her friend.”

but no
that is not the story i am going to tell you
this story is a fable and so it is about dogs

so once upon a time there is this bitch
literally a bitch
like in the way you used to use bitch when you were in elementary school
and someone had just called you out on using a dirty word
what i mean to say is
there is a pregnant female dog
and this is not just any pregnant bitch
this bitch is HOMELESS
so she hits up her friend
and her friend is actually a really nice dog
and not a bitch at all
in any sense
and this bitch is like HEY FRIEND
I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH WHILE I POOP OUT THESE PUPPIES
and her friend is like oh sure no problem
you can take my place
I will uh
go be homeless?
(dogs do not place as high a value as we do on having homes
because they are dogs)

so a week later the bitch gives birth
meaning she is no longer a bitch
but actually this just serves to uncover the next layer of her bitchery
because then her friend comes back and she’s like OHHHHH MAN
I AM SO TIRED FROM POOPING ALL THESE TINY DOGS OUT MY WOMB
CAN I CRASH HERE FOR LIKE ANOTHER MONTH OR SO?
and her friend is like uh sure
i don’t really mind being homeless cause I’m a dog
I hear one of my friends just discovered heroin
i may try that out

so then a MONTH passes
and this doglady comes back to her house with a heroin needle all sticking out of her haunch
and she’s like uh hey
i kinda need my place back
I am very sleepy
and her bitch friend is like oh
sure
you can have your place back
IF YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL MY PISSED OFF SONS
because see
her puppies are all grown up now
and vicious and terrible
check and mate

so the moral of the story
is try not to give away your house
I thought we all knew this already.

The end.

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