Okay so there’s this kid who has some crandberries
his name is Bartholomew Cubbins
he lives in the projects in a kingdom called Didd
which is how he feels every time he has to go sell these fucking cranberries.
The only nice thing this dude owns
(other than the cranberries
which are only debatably nice)
is this pimp-ass red hat
with a feather that manages to stick STRAIGHT UP
no matter how much poverty it is subjected to.
So one day Bartholomew goes into town with his cranberries and his cranberry basket
and he’s about to start hustling some cranberries all up in these streets
okay is it just me or does it sound like this kid is a drug dealer?
maybe that’s just because I kinda made it sound that way on purpose.
Look, the point is he doesn’t even get to sell even one baggie of crack
before the MOTHERFUCKING KING APPEARS
with the silver trumpets blaring and whatnot
(as a sidenote
while i was listening to the record of this story
i noticed that this is totally where this DJ called Wax Tailor
got like half his samples for this song called Sit and Listen
which is a really sweet song
and also totally irrelevant to everybody who doesn’t know who wax tailor is.
Good thing I’m writing this myth and not you
because otherwise we all would have missed out on this delightful tidbit)
Anyway there’s a rule in these parts
that whenever the king is in town
dudes gotta take off their hats
so Bartholomew takes off his hat
and then the king rolls up and he’s like HEY
I BELIEVE THERE IS A RULE ABOUT TAKING OFF YOUR HAT WHEN I AM IN TOWN
and Bartholomew is like yeah that sounds right
and the King is like AHEM
I BELIEVE YOU ARE WEARING A HAT RIGHT NOW SIR
and Bartholomew is like no I’m not man I just took off my hat a second agOHHH SHIIIIIT
because then he reaches up and finds ANOTHER hat on top of his head
so he takes it off and apologizes profusely
but then there is ANOTHER hat
it is like his skull is a clowncar
except instead of clowns it is hats
and it is SO MUCH FREAKIER TO IMAGINE IT THAT WAY THAN THE WAY IT REALLY IS.
Anyway then the king is like YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT DUDE
YOU’RE UNDER ARREST.
So they take Bartholomew in for questioning
even though it is obvious what is wrong:
dude has some kind of … scalp disease?
Wait I lied
what the fuck is going on?
Well, everyone tries diligently to answer that question
all the while knocking more and more hats off this kid’s head.
They bring in a hatmaker
they bring in some wise men
and with their combined expertise
they manage to knock four more hats of bartholomew’s head
then they bring in the archduke
who is this dick named Wilfred
who just keeps firing arrows at Bartholomew
and missing his face and hitting his hat and then there are more hats
and then they’re like wait
why don’t we bring in our wizards to fix this.
THEY HAD WIZARDS THIS WHOLE TIME?
INFINITE HATS SEEMS TO BE LIKE THE QUINTESSENTIAL WIZARD PROBLEM.
WHEN I SEE A DUDE WITH INFINITE HATS
first of all I never see that
and second of all I don’t have wizards
BUT IF I DID
and IF I SAW THAT
IT WOULD BE MOTHERFUCKING WIZARDS FROM DAY ONE
but actually the wizards turn out to be pretty useless
because they can only cast spells that will take effect seven years from now
kinda like congress.
this doesn’t explain why everybody’s surprised about this hat thing
if you’ve got wizards around
this shit is bound to happen.
Anyway at this point the king is out of ideas
so he figures he better just kill this guy
because he hates being confused and murder generally solves confusion
by making less of whatever it is you’re confused about.
So he sends bartholomew down to the executioner
and the executioner is like uh
we have a rule
no getting your head chopped off without removing your hat first.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS KIGNDOM AND DUMB RULES ABOUT HATS?
So obviously they can’t kill Bartholomew
so he just struts into the throne room again
dope as you please
surrounded by hat-dunes as far as the eye can see
and Wilfred is like hey wait a second
decapitation is not the only way to murder people
we have this tall-ass castle to drop people out of, too!
and Bartholomew is like WILFRED YOU ARE SUCH A DICK
and the king is like I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, WILFRED
so they’re dragging bartholomew up to the top of the castle
and all the while
he is shedding more hats like a whole shipping container full of british gentlemen
but then SUDDENLY
THE HATS START GETTING DOPE AS SHIT
IT IS LIKE THE HATS ARE FUCKING UNDERNEATH THE OTHER HATS
AND PRODUCING FUCKED-UP GLAMMED-OUT HATBABIES
so Bartholomew gets real caught up in upgrading his domewear
seeing as this is the hat he’s gonna be buried in
and then he pulls off his four-hundred-and-ninety-ninth hat
and underneath it is THE MOST LUDICROUSLY UNNECESSARY PIECE OF HEADGEAR IN EXISTENCE
it is like a septuple-decker crowncake topped in rhinestones and charisma
it is what would happen if Frank Lloyd Wright had designed the leaning tower of pizza
but everyone forgot to tell him it was actually supposed to be a hat
is FUCKING NUTS.
So the king sees it and he’s like
I WILL GIVE YOU FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THAT HAT
and Bartholomew is like SOLD.
and then he gives it to the king and THERE ARE NO MORE HATS UNDERNEATH IT
it is like his scalp disease used up all its hat energy on this monster
and then he gets 500 bucks and he goes home
and his mom whups his ass for losing the cranberry basket
and then the castle janitors dump the other 400 or so hats into the ocean
and baby dolphins choke on them and die.
So the moral of the story
is that persistence is the key to success
especially if you are an executioner
and you need to remove someone’s hat to execute them.
Seriously, if he’d just kept going this story would have been a lot different.