gonna be honest
I set out to tell you the story of “Amphitryon” by Plautus
that shit is LONG
and I still have to go grocery shopping today
so I just read the summary at the beginning
and the rest I am going to make up
Alcmene is a chick whose name you should be familiar with
but if you aren’t then I’m not gonna spoil it right away
what’s important to know right now is that she has a husband
and her husband’s name is Amphitryon
and Amphitryon is King Creon’s bitch
So one day King Creon is like Hey Bro
bout to fight a war with some guys.
not sure which guys
maybe the Teleboans or maybe the Taphians
it’s a T-name though, for sure
anyway, I need you to go do war stuff on my behalf
and Amphitryon is like YES SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL?
But before he goes off to war
he does the smart thing and gets his wife pregnant
I guess so there will be someone to avenge his probable death
and then it’s war time
but see, Amphitryon has made one mistake:
(and in ancient greece, this is an easy mistake)
Amphytrion has married a woman Zeus wants to bone.
So Zeus sees Amphytrion leaving to die
and he’s like Sweet!
This looks like an opportunity for SHENANIGANS.
And ten minutes later he has transformed himself into Alcmene’s husband
and he’s up in her room like Yo
and Alcmene is like I thought you were in a war?
and Zeus is like Uh
Very short war, yeah
as a matter of fact, honeyass
that war was exactly as short
as my boners for you are long
and Alcmene is not one to look a gift-dick in the mouth
ANYWAY they have sex
and he whole time they are engaged in this incognito intercourse
Hermes is out guarding the door
because Hermes truly is
THE ULTIMATE WINGMAN.
like, check this out:
So he’s guarding the door, right
that’s already pretty solid wingman behavior
but then it turns out Amphytrion is coming home early from war
and he sends a messenger to go tell his wife about it
and the messenger runs all the way to Alcmene’s room
only to find HIMSELF standing guard
and he’s like, Uhh hey
I’m here to tell the queen her husband’s back?
and hermes, who is impersonating the very person he is now speaking to
is like NO, IDIOT
CAN’T YOU SEE??
YOU MUST BE AN IMPOSTOR.
GO AWAY, SEX IS HAPPENING.
And guess what?
That messenger TOTALLY GOES AWAY.
and then this dude named Merlin walks by
and he’s like HEY THIS GIVES ME A GREAT IDEA FOR SOME ADULTERY I WAS PLANNING
So the messenger goes instantly mad, obviously
and returns to Amphytrion to convey the eldritch horror he has just experienced
leaving our beloved title character with no option
other than busting down his wife’s door all on his own.
I want you to put yourself in Amphytrion’s place for a moment
you just got back from a nice war
you’re ready for a relaxing victory shag in the royal quarters
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
and you walk in to find your wife
who, let me remind you, you just got pregnant
getting remorselessly drilled
You guessed it: Insta-insane
Amphytrion loses all capacity to evaluate reality as a result of this
and this is in no way helped by the fact that Zeus CONTINUES TO INSIST
that he is the real Amphytrion
even though this seems like the perfect excuse for him to hit it and quit it
but anyway, no one can make sense of this literal clusterfuck
so they call a wise man named Blepharo to fix this shit
Blepharo can’t figure this shit out either
I mean what the fuck is he supposed to do?
You better believe Zeus isn’t gonna half-ass his disguise
when getting laid is in the balance
this is a guy who has no problem turning into rape-birds
or gold with dicks
just for the joy of constantly starring in his own private espionage porno:
so yeah, everyone is super perplexed.
but Alcmene fixes everything
by choosing this moment to squirt two babies out of her body
also lightning, apparently
which causes the already emotionally weakened Amphytrion to have a siezure
and then while he’s twitching on the ground
Zeus shows up like By the way guys
I did this.
Now lemme just jack one of these babies right quick
so I can make him suckle on my wife’s tits and become immortal
because guess who this baby is:
But that’s a whole other story.
So the moral of this story
is if you’re gonna cheat on your spouse
try and do it with someone who looks exactly like them
because at least then you have some plausible deniability.