Musatak Chills With Bears

My entire city is encased in ice right now
it’s like somebody dumped a big bucket of Hoth on us all at once
seriously
i went on a beer run with my buddy last night
and he jumped into a huge pile of snow
like taller than we were
and then we got to the liquor store
and he couldn’t find his wallet
YA THAT’S RIGHT
SNOW STOLE HIS WALLET
WHAT THE FUCK WINTER
YOU’RE NOT CONTENT JUST STEALING OUR JOY AND WARMTH
YOU GOTTA STEAL OUR ACTUAL MONEY TOO?
Or maybe my friend just didn’t wanna pay for booze
who knows?
my friends are scoundrels.

Anyway all this snow makes me wanna tell a snowy myth.
I was gonna try and do one about wendigos
cause a couple of y’all expressed interest
but most wendigo stories are just like “AAAA SHIT A WENDIGO
THE END”
so instead I’m gonna go back to an old favorite source:
this book of Angmagsalik nonsense that somebody mailed me a couple years ago
I don’t even remember who did that
but I love them.

Anyway this story is about a chick named Musatak.
Musatak has no man and no kids
which sounds sweet to me
but to Musatak it’s a serious issue
so instead of finding a husband or stealing some kids
she does the next best thing and adopts a fucking bear
which is just like
wow
you’re already home alone
but now you’re home alone with a FUCKING BEAR
i mean i guess you’re not technically alone if there’s a bear there
but only because you’re WORSE THAN ALONE

for some reason though, the bear doesn’t eat Musatak
prolly because she is constantly feeding him blubber
and he fucking LOVES blubber
so this blubber-bear grows up and gets married
to a human woman
whom he impregnates
and then she gives birth to another bear
thus making blubber-bear way better at life than his foster mom
at least by the standards of this community
and let me just say
if your community prefers fucking actual bears to being single
maybe it is time to move.

Anyway the little bear gets older too
and pretty soon his dad is taking him hunting every day
except then they run into some other hunters
who are actual humans
and the bears are so used to chilling with humans
that they forget that humans are actually xenophobic assholes
so the humans kill the little bear and run away
and papa bear is like OH HELL NO

So he follows them back to their crib
and he climbs up on the roof
and just waits for dudes to come out
and every time they do, it’s just like THWAP
DEAD.
He kills TONS of people this way
until there’s only one guy left in the whole place:
THE ELDEST SON
so the eldest son ties a knife to the end of a stick
and when the bear tries to come into the house
to like piss on all the furniture and whatever
the kid just stabs the bear in the nuts
and the bear keeps coming
and the kid stabs him in the nuts again
and AGAIN
and AGAINNN
until the bear is finally like “Ow my nuts”
and falls over
but he’s not dead
so the kid cuts him up
but he’s still not dead
so the kid boils him alive
but he’s still not dead
his soul is just hiding under the floor to keep cool
because that’s a thing souls do
and then the kid eats him
and the bear is in an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF PAIN
but he is STILL ALIVE
his soul just chills out in the house for 3 days
until finally he’s like “What am I even doing here?
I’m a ghost now, I can do whatever i want”
so he flies back home to his foster mom
who has cried so much that her snot is dripping all the way onto the floor
it’s super gross.
The end.

Yeah, seriously
there’s no minor victory for our bear hero or his weird mom
he just dies and gets eaten and she cries about it.
This is the kind of stories the Angmagsalik people seem to like
which just goes to show
that living in a state of endless winter
can sometimes be a little bit hard to
… bear?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOU GOODNIGHT

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The Two Boys Who Were Olympic-Class Swimmers/Murderers

It’s warming up here in chicago
but still I am nostalgic for the winter
that special time of year
when all the unimportant things
like joy and hope
vanish from the mind
and you are left free to focus on the important decisions
like whether or not to eat your roommate’s cat
it is in the service of this deeply ironic nostalgia
that I have elected to tell you yet another Angmagsalik myth
this time with less poop

so there’s this negligent father right
he has two sons
i don’t know how old they are
so let’s say they’re seven
it makes this all funnier
anyway this father takes his sons out to the ice-lake one day
and he’s like hey guys
let’s see if you can go down under water

one:
yes, they can
it’s called drowning and people do it every day
two:
these are your children, dude
why would you encourage this

so anyway these two boys jump in the water
and HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
they don’t come back up
so the dad hangs out for a while
and then he’s like oops
more dead kids I guess
guess i’m gonna have to go home and fuck my wife again
and off he goes

but HEY
BIG SURPRISE:
when he gets home his sons are sitting in the living room
chilling out
i mean literally chilling out
because they have just been submerged in ice water for like 5 hours
and the dad is like HOLY COW
DO THAT AGAIN
OH MAN WAIT TIL I TELL ALL THE OTHER DADS ABOUT THIS

so they do it some more times
and meanwhile the dad keeps flagging down kayakers like HEY
HEY
GUESS WHAT MY SONS CAN DO
and all the kayakers are just like whatever dude
but then the next morning the boys look out their window
and there are ALL THE KAYAKERS
because some time during the night
all of these dudes went from not giving a fuck
to believing that these two children MUST BE DESTROYED

so the kayakers are like “we hear you can hold your breath real long
prove it”
and the boys are like ok
and they dive down
and all the kayakers grab rocks to beat them with when they come up
if it was me i would have just shot them straight away
but i guess nothing these guys have done so far has been reasonable
and they don’t want to break their streak

but so obviously the boys don’t come back up
that’s their thing
and everyone gets tired and goes home
and by home
i mean the boys’ home
where they find the boys
because duh
but before everyone can kill them
someone runs up like GUYS GUYS
HOLY SHIT
THERE’S A WALRUS
and everyone is like WALRUS?!
LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO

so they run back to the water
and the walrus is like oh shit time to peace out
and someone throws a harpoon in its ass
but it is giving no fucks
and then suddenly here come those two boys
they jump the walrus out in the water
drag it down to the bottom
butcher it with knives
take some meat
and then put the rest under the rock
just so no one else can have it
seriously
everyone is just being a dick to everyone else for no reason
it’s like in this village that is just the rule
like
if someone has a nice thing
you try and fuck that up for them
i guess this is what endless winter does to people

so obviously when the kayakers find out about this
they are even more determined to kill these boys
so they see the boys out in the water eating their seal meat
and they start paddling at them with their rocks
and the boys are like oh shit
better dive again
and they keep diving and going out deeper and deeper
until it gets REAL COLD
like i mean it was cold before
it was, say, ice-cube-tray-full-of-polar-bears cold
but now it is like
you go to tastee freeze and you order a large vanilla soft serve
and old man winter comes out of the back room
carrying the largest and most preposterously perfect vanilla soft-serve cone you have ever laid eyes on in your pathetic life
and then proceeds
to eat it in front of you
that’s COLD

so they have to start getting crafty
what they do is they pop out of the water right behind some of the pursuing kayakers
and they tip over their boats
and the dudes drown
they do this to EVERY SINGLE KAYAKER
so everybody is dead
and they never have to worry about getting murdered again
they just have to worry about who the fuck is gonna catch all the food
you know after having read this story
i think it might actually be the prequel of this one

anyway the moral of the story
is that you can’t just run away from your problems forever
sometimes you have to drown them in the freezing ocean

the end.

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The Two Angmagsalik Sisters Have Every Fetish

Welcome back to lovely Icefuck Island
[Greenland]
where the state bird is abject misery
and the official sport is cannibalism
from this floating sea-lozenge or arctic pain comes a lovely little tale
about doing sex with animals
here we go:

so there’s these two sisters
they are outside
which was their first mistake
their second mistake is that one of them is like hey
look at that eagle up there
and that whale skull down there
hey sis
I’m totes gonna marry that eagle
but YOU are gonna marry that whale skull
FATTY
and apparently FATTY is the magic word
because the whale skull turns into a whale and abducts the sister
and then the eagle comes flying down and picks up the other sister
like crazy north-pole zeus.
i think we can all agree
that this is total bullshit
i mean people say dumb shit all the time
if i got abducted by everything I said I was gonna marry
I would be married to a racecar, a case of gin, and a bag of pork cracklins AT LEAST
then again I would also be married to Kevin Spacey and whoever invented blowjobs
so maybe the problem isn’t that you can marry anything just by expressing the desire
maybe the problem
is that a whale skull and an eagle are two DEEPLY STUPID THINGS to want to marry
ok i need to stop talking about how fucked up this is
so I can get to talking about how fucked up THIS is:

the whale will not let his wife leave the house
not so bad, right?
that’s because you have forgotten that Greenland doesn’t have indoor plumbing at this time
so where does wife go to pee, you might wonder
does she just go in the corner?
nuh uh
the whale keeps her from having any excuse to go outside
by making her piss IN HIS MOUTH
GUYS:
WHAT??
IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE THERE WAS INTERNET PORN?
LIKE
IF YOU WERE AN ANGMAGSALIK TEEN BACK IN THE DAY
DID YOU HAVE TO STASH STORYTELLERS UNDER YOUR MATTRESS
SO YOU COULD PULL THEM OUT WHEN MOM AND DAD WERE AWAY
AND HAVE THEM TELL YOU THE ONE WHERE THE HOT CHICK PISSES IN A WHALE’S MOUTH
WHILE YOU FURIOUSLY COCKED YOUR PLEASURE-RIFLE?
oh I know what you’re wondering
“Ovid, ovid
what about poops?
does she poop in his mouth too?”
no of course not you cretin
that would be unsanitary
she shits in his HANDS
come on guys

meanwhile the sister with the eagle has it pretty good
every day the eagle goes to the river and catches THREE NARWHALS
what kind of jumbo-jet eagle is this
that can carry a narwhal in each talon and one in its beak?
well i guess whatever kind of eagle can understand human speech
and likes to abduct young girls
…okay I am becoming more and more convinced that this is just zeus’s crazy northern vacation

anyway when the eagle is on his way home every day
he drops one narwhal at the girl’s parents’ house
which is good cause food is scarce up there
and then he brings the other two to his wife
so basically the joke is on her
she called her sister a fatty
and now it is her who is stuffing her face with actual blubber every night
obviously she won’t stand for this
so she makes a rope out of whale meat
and bungee jumps out of the nest one day when her husband is gone
and runs home
and later the eagle shows up at her house like WHAT THE FUCK
and her dad shoots him in the heart

RAD

but the other sister is still married to a perverted undead whale
so what the family does is they build a whaling boat
and they keep racing it against birds until it’s faster than birds
and then they go to the whale’s house
does anyone else think it’s weird that the whale has a house?
whales don’t live in houses, guys
that’s not something that whales
oh wait
just remembered what story this is
carry on

so the wife sees her family outside
and she’s like hey husband
let me go outside so I can piss
and the whale is like WOMAN
YOU CAN PISS IN MY MOUTH
and she’s like ok I need to make poop
and he’s like WOMAN
YOU CAN SHIT IN MY HANDS
and she’s like dude look
I have been shitting in your hands for like three months now
and you’re not leaving the house either
i can’t even see your hands under this mound of my shit
just tie a rope around me and you can pull me back in if I’m gone too long
and the whale is like OK FINE

so she goes outside with this rope
and he IMMEDIATELY starts yanking it
and she’s like DUDE
IT’S BARELY POKING OUT, JUST GIMME A SECOND
and then she starts tying the rope to a rock
but the whale starts pulling again
and she’s like MAN
FIVE MORE MINUTES
A BUTT-BABY LIKE THIS CAN’T BE RUSHED
and then she finishes tying it to a rock and jumps in the boat

so eventually the whale figures out what’s up
and he gets all pissed and climbs in the water
where whales are SUPPOSED to be
and he swims FAST
he swims SO FAST
that pretty soon he is about to eat the boat
and the girl’s family is like QUICK
GIVE HIM A STRIPTEASE
so she takes off her boots and throws them in the water

now friends
I have at times been accused of stigmatizing mental illness on this website
this is a fair claim
I want to take this opportunity to let you all know
that I have had a great deal of experience with mental illness
seeing as it runs in my family
real mental illness is not a thing I take lightly
with that in mind
here is the line that comes right after the girl throws her shoe in the water:
“The whale sniffed at it and examined it, and was thus retarded a little.”
Thank you.

but the whale is only a little retarded, so pretty soon he catches up
which means this girl has to take off more
(ie SEXIER)
articles of clothing
she takes off her
WOOLEN MITTENS
and her
ANORAK COAT
and her
FUR SCARF
and her
SOCKS
and her
NATIT
wait wait whoa what
what is a “natit”?

well thanks to the internet, I can tell you:
“natit, an article of dress that covers the sexual organs
and is applied by the young East-Greenlanders when they,
he or she , think themselves and are thought by their cognates
to be full-grown. Søren Hansen found for 31 men and 15 women
the average size to be 1647 and 1551 (max.: 1760 and 1650,
min.: 1540 and 1450), thus 23 and 60™°^ more. ”
in other words
it’s PANTIES
after the bestiality and the necrophilia
and the pissing in the mouth and the shitting in the hands
she throws her fucking panties at him
and he of course develops an overpowering nosebleed
crashes into the shore
and dies
bam
problem solved

so the moral of the story
is maybe you can’t fight fire with fire
but you can sure as shit fight fetish with fetish

the end

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In Which Eating Kids is Not a Big Deal

I just looked out my window
the one window that is not completely obscured
by the plastic bags and broken dreams we have used to insulate our house
and it is a god damn winter wonderland out there
by which I mean
it is about t-minus ten minutes until my room-mates and I start drawing straws to see who gets eaten
AND WITH THAT IN MIND
allow me to re-introduce you to the people who pretty much invented being cold
THE ESKIMOS OF ANGMAGSALIK

Okay so there’s this dude
he is a pretty lonely dude
cause last winter all his neighbors starved to death and he ate them
so yeah
that’s some messed-up shit for a person to have to go through
and now it’s summer
(by which I mean slightly less terrible winter)
and he is back to catching seals and all is good
except he gets home one day with some seals
and he gives them to his wife to cut up
(yeah his wife is still alive too
which means you can’t blame any of the shit he’s about to do
on not getting laid)
but his wife is taking SOOOO LOOOONG to cut up those seals
and that boiling water looks SOOOO GOOOOD
and he gets to thinking “man, you know what I really miss?
the taste of human flesh.”
so he grabs his son and boils him alive
and then his wife comes back in like “hey where’s our son?”
and he hides the boiled child behind his back like “uh, uh…
who knows?
probably out playing with his friends or something”
and his wife is like “honey he doesn’t have any friends
we ate all his friends
but whatever, i guess
let’s eat dinner”

so they sit down for dinner
and the husband is real sly
and sneaks all that tasty child meat onto the table somehow
like i don’t know
maybe in a paper bag or something
and he decides that instead of eating the tasty seal meat
he is going to exclusively eat his own son
because i mean
if you go through the trouble to kill your son
you don’t want to let that meat go to waste
and it’s not like their whole nation is a vast refrigerator or anything
so leftovers are definitely not an option
which is why they end up throwing all the uneaten seal meat outside
where this old dude finds it and chows the fuck DOWN

now, this is no ordinary old dude.
This dude is the ONLY OTHER SURVIVOR of last winter’s cannibal holocaust
so he’s basically starving his ass off
in fact his ass long ago left him for greener pastures
what i mean is, he’s real skinny
(and someone ate his ass)

so this old starving dude eats all this steaming fresh seal meat
and then he goes inside and they give him MORE seal meat
and the whole time, cannibal dad is like “hmmm
maybe I’ll eat this guy too”
except he doesn’t
he just lets him crash at his place
and in the morning he kicks him out
because i guess the temptation would be TOO GREAT
and he gives the old man a ride back to his own house
and rows back in his kayak
and later they find out that the old man died
because he ate too much after starving for too long.
The end.

…wait
WAIT
THAT’S the end of the story?
There are literally NO consequences for filicide/cannibalism??
The whole time I was reading this story I was like damn
this dude is a grade A sociopath
good thing this is a fable designed to teach us lessons
and so he will not be allowed to escape unscathed
but as far as this myth is concerned
cooking and eating your own son
is about as dramatic as going to the fucking grocery store
ESKIMOS
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU:
WHATIS
WRONGWITHYOU

so the moral of the story
is obviously that the most efficient path to becoming a virtuous person
is to kill and eat everyone within a nine-mile radius
then you can’t help but be virtuous
because there’s no one left to kill and eat.

THE END.

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The Second-Rapiest Moon Story Ever

Here’s another story from the mystical ice-gauntlet of Angmagssalik
wait did I say mystical
I meant miserable
hey, here’s another fact about Angmagssalik
(known today as Tasiilaq, which is NO EASIER TO SPELL):
according to google, there is a hotel there where you can stay.
also according to google, there are no roads.
so uh
you take the good with the bad I guess

Now Friends,
if you’re anything like me
you’ve probably looked up at the moon at night
and thought to yourself
holy shit what is that thing
what is it doing there
aah aah aah
and maybe you’ve looked up at the sun and thought
aaaah I’m looking at the sun why did I think this would work
well friends
allow me to answer two of your three dumb questions
with this story:

The sun and the moon are siblings
the sun is a chick
and the moon is her brother
and every night the moon is like okay
I COULD climb all the way up into the sky
OR
I could climb all the way up on my SISTER
and get LAID.
This is a perfect plan
because since the moon is not in the sky
it is totally pitch black
and so the sun has no idea whose boner she is getting the benefit of

but eventually she gets curious
like you do when an invisible dude is balling you night after night
so her brilliant plan is to smear her hands with lamp oil
and then give her mysterious lover/rapist a sexy shoulder massage
so she can identify him in the morning
by how goddamn filthy he is

so this plan goes off without a hitch
until it hits the biggest hitch of all
which is that now the sun knows she has been doing the lap-clap with her bro
so she does the only reasonable thing:
she cuts off her left boob and throws it at him
like “HEY IF YOU LIKE ME SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU EAT ME”
and her bro is like “Aw dammit sis
that sentence was RIFE with innuendo
and I DO like your boobs
but this is just the worst possible combination of all those sexy elements
like a diamond-studded handjob
or a peanut-butter and KY-jelly sandwich”
his sister doesn’t hear him though
because she has just taken a stick
dipped it in TRAIN OIL
and set it on fire
and now she is running into space

so rather than let his sister achieve escape velocity in peace
the moon decides to follow her example
except he is way less skilled with the train oil
so his torch goes out during the launch protocol
so he just keeps blowing on it
and sending off mad sparks
and those sparks are where STARS come from
(yeah that’s right kids
not only am I answering two of your dumb questions
I am giving you a BONUS answer
to a dumb question you DIDN’T EVEN ASK)
so that’s why the moon doesn’t shine so brightly
and also he has to go down to the earth sometimes to hunt seals
and meanwhile his sister is just chuggin’ through the cosmos
somehow being both hot and boobless

So the moral of the story
is you can hit up all the gloryholes you want
as long as you are willing to self-immolate
when you find out you’ve been blowing your bro

THE END

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Imerasuguk is a Hungry Man

Today’s myth comes from here
and i only know about it thanks to manual labor powerhouse Megamax Hardwork
who mailed me the course reader from her Scandanavian 170 class
yeah guys
if you mail me books I will read them
get on that

So Imerasuguk is a dude who goes through wives like toilet paper
this is because he always kills and eats them
them and their children
yeah guys
Imerasuguk is basically a cannibalistic Bluebeard
living in a trackless winterhell in the middle of a giant, ironically named island
(seriously “Greenland?”
sometimes I feel bad when I’m playing Civilization
and I name one of my new cities something like “Pooptropolis” or “Weiner”
but then I remember how some real-ass jerks named the capital of snow and pain “Greenland”
and my self-doubt just melts away)

so let me explain how Imerasuguk handles his wives:
first of all he is trying to fatten them up ASAP
and his strategy for doing this
is to not allow them to drink water
which is not a good strategy I don’t think
unless he’s also making them drink lard or something
but the text does not mention any lard so I dunno
anyway then he goes out hunting all day
and if he doesn’t catch any meat
he comes home and catches his WIFE
and not in the sexy way
and then he goes back into town like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and dudes straight GIVE HIM MORE WIVES
they are handing this ballsy cannibal their woman HAND OVER FIST
and he is then eating their hands and their fists

so one day Imerasuguk gets a new wife named Misana
and Misana is like a bonus catch because she comes with her little brother
so pretty soon Imerasuguk kills her brother and eats him
and he gives her some of the meat
which she wisely doesn’t eat
because she is too full from all the lard she’s been drinking
and then Imerasuguk leaves to go be shitty at hunting again
and Misana is like shiiiit
that’s where all his wives have been going

so she comes up with a plan
what she does is she takes a bunch of straw and fat
and wraps it in her anorak
which i thought was some kind of sweater
but I guess is some kind of sentient sweater-beast
because before she goes and hides in a hole
she tells it to scream when stabbed
and it’s like “sure no problem I’m a sweater”

then papa mcCannibal comes home
and he stabs that anorak all over
and the anorak is like “AAIIEEE OH GOD I’M A SWEATER”
and Imerasuguk is like HEY
THAT’S NOT WHAT MY WIFE WOULD SAY
YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE
YOU’RE A SWEATER
and the sweater is like yeah duh dude I already said that

so Misana is hiding in the walls
and Imerasuguk is stabbing the walls like in a horror movie or the Matrix
but he doesn’t find her so he’s like “Fuck this” and goes out looking for her
at which point she does what she should have done a while ago:
she fucking RUNS

so she’s running
and her husband hears her and starts chasing her
but Misana has a distinct advantage in this chase
which is that she is magical as fuck
so she sees a tree
and she’s like hey I’m down with trees
I think I’ll turn into a tree
and BAM
CHICK’S GOT MORE WOOD THAN A LUMBERJACK AT A CHIPPENDALE’S

after a while Imerasuguk comes up to the tree
and he tries stabbing it
and it hurts a little
but you don’t stab trees, guys
that’s just not what you do
so he goes back to his house to get an axe

and what does Misana do?
does she pull some weak-ass Daphne shit and stay a tree forever?
NO DOG
SHE TURNS HER ASS BACK INTO AN ASS AND STARTS RUNNING THAT ASS OFF
and Imerasuguk starts chasing her again
and right as he’s about to catch her she sees some seaweed
and she’s like hey
I’m down with seaweed
and BAM
CHICK IS ALL UP IN DEM WEEDS

so Imerasuguk can’t find her obviously
because he is looking for a chick and not some dumb weeds
so he goes home again
and Misana turns her ass BACK INTO AN ASS
AND STARTS RUNNING IT OFF
LIKE SHE’S ON A GOD DAMN PHOTOCOPIER AND SHE JUST GOT FIRED
but oh shit
looks like Imerasuguk is bout to catch up AGAIN
so she throws herself into a pit full of ravens and foxes
carefully maintained by one of her brothers for some stupid reason
and her plummeting body kills all the ravens and foxes
and her brothers come over like who the fuck ruined all my foxes and ravens
and Misana is like DUDES IT’S ME
MY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO EAT ME

so they hide her in their house
and Imerasuguk rolls in
all like
“Now I have again lost my wife”
and they’re like “Whatever dude, come join our drum circle
and by drum circle we mean ACCUSATION OF MURDER/CANNIBALISM”
and Misana jumps out of her hiding place like “I’M THE STAR WITNESS”
and Imerasuguk is like “YOU’RE AN ACCESSORY TO MUDRDER
YOU TOTALLY ATE YOUR BRO”
and she’s like “OBJECTION: NO I DIDN’T”
and then everyone’s like “ENOUGH COURTROOM DRAMA
LET’S WHIP IMERASUGUK UNTIL HE DIES”
and that’s pretty much what happens.

So the moral of the story
is I guess more of a diet tip
which is
never eat any animal that can shapeshift into plants
because then you might accidentally end up a vegetarian
and nobody wants that

THE END.

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