Lugh the Long Handed is Born in an Irish Cowfight

Okay so Saint Patrick’s day just happened two weeks in a row
or maybe I’m just seeing double
or experiencing holidays in double
the point is i’ve finally sobered up
and I feel like it’s high time I did another celtic myth

This story is about a dude called Lugh the Long Handed
I talked about him before a long time ago
he’s good at everything
and he probably fingerbangs like a pro thumb wrestler
but today we’re gonna walk it back a little bit
and talk about how dude gets born
THE STORY WILL FEEL SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR

So Balor of the Evil Eye is a sack of shit
He got a death potion in his eye when he was little
because his dad was cooking meth without proper ventilation
and now whenever he gives someone the stink eye
the stink levels are straight lethal
so he actually has his eyelid pierced
with an ivory hoop
and it keeps his eye closed all the time
and whenever he wants to kill someone
one of his bros has to lift the ring
sort of like cyclops from the X-Men
but infinitely more of an asshole

Balor owns a glass tower on an island
plus a bunch of other shit
all of which used to belong to other people
because when you can stare death at people at will
you can kind of take whatever the fuck you want
so Balor is cruising around in his boat
aiming to become Ireland’s next top dick chef
when he runs up on a druid
and the druid is like “hey dude
you’re gonna die”
and Balor is like “NUH UH”
and the druid is like “yuh huh
but it’s okay
you’re gonna die by your grandson’s hand
and your grandson isn’t even born yet
so you’ve got a while.”
and Balor is like “A while, eh?
How about FOREVER”
and the druid is like “uhhhh good luck???”

So Balor does the usual thing
he chucks his daughter Ethlinn in the glass tower
along with twelve handmaidens
whose job is to keep Ethlinn from ever even knowing what a dick is
this plan
if the Greeks have taught us anything
is extremely solid and has no flaws.

Irish mythology is different from Greek shit though
because there aren’t a bunch of dieties swinging dick all over the sky
Plus Ethlinn is in a glass tower with handmaidens
and not an open-roofed trash hut with NO ONE
so security is significantly tighter
but what Balor gains in security
he makes up for in being an asshole

See, Balor basically takes his daughter’s imprisonment
as a “never-gonna-die-forever” pass
so he just goes on stealing shit and killing people
with no fear of repercussion
and it seems like he’ll just be able to pull this shit off forever
WHEN SUDDENLY
A COW GETS INVOLVED

Basically there are these 3 brothers
Goibniu, Samthainn, and Cian
Cian is going to be the main guy
because his name is by far the easiest to spell
and also because he owns the cow in question
this cow is so special it has a fucking name
and not Bessie or Udders McGee
but THE GLAS GIABHENN
and what’s so special about this cow?
she … gives milk
but like
all the time though
whole gallons of the stuff, for real.
You never know what peole will be impressed by in these stories
like on the one hand
you have a dude who can kill people with his eye
on the other hand
you have a cow that gives milk
it’s a mixed bag.

So apparently most irish cows are just udder garbage
because EVERYBODY wants this magical milk-giving cow
but only one person can have her
because of capitalism
of course Balor the Buttlord thinks the owner should be him
so he’s just waiting for his chance to jack that beef

one day he gets his chance
when Cian and Samthainn go to Giobniu’s place
because Giobniu is a smith and they all need swords
but Giobniu isn’t running a fucking charity
his forge is strictly BYOS
(Bring Your Own Steel. Common smithing acronym)
so Cian and Samthainn have both brought some steel
and Cian has also brought along his cow
because he can’t just leave the cow unattended
there are not a lot of anti-theft measures that work on cows
like you can’t just lock a club through its steering column
because only boy cows can be steers

ANYWAY
Cian goes inside to talk to Giobniu
and he leaves Samthainn outside to watch the cow
which is when Balor Blundercock decides to but his ass in
he disguises himself using SHAPESHIFTING MAGIC
which I GUESS HE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME???
what the fuck
Balor has a save-or-die eyeball effect AND shapeshifting?
Nerf Balor

oh but I guess it’s okay
because he just turns into a little redheaded boy
not a dragon or an ogre or a wizard or anything
and then he goes up to Samthainn and he’s like “yo man
I just heard your brothers totally dissing on you
they said you were a sucker chump
and they were gonna use all your steel to make themselves swords
and then make YOU a sword out of crappy iron”
and Samthainn is like “OH SHIT GOTTA GO INTERFERE
HERE, TOTAL STRANGER
TAKE HOLD OF THIS COW EVERYBODY WANTS”
and then he runs inside
and Cian is like “WHAT THE FUCK WHO’S WATCHING THE COW?”
and Samthainn is like “Oh just some trustworthy young lad”
and Cian runs outside
just in time to see Balor Ballsfiend run off with the cow
and Cian palms his face so hard it comes off
and Giobniu has to smith it back on.

Now Cian is pissed
like, he doesn’t even want the cow back
the cow was really just a regular cow
but he’s gotta fuck with Balor’s shit somehow
so first he goes to a druid to ask what to do
and the druid is like “Balor can’t be killed
except by his grandson”
and Cian is like “Ok…”
and the druid is like “Yeah”
and Cian is like “Anything else?”
and the druid is like “Uh not really”
and Cian is like “fuck this I’ma talk to a lady druid.”
so he goes and finds a lady druid named Birog
OF THE MOUNTAIN
and she’s like “Oh I can TOTALLY help you fuck with Balor’s shit
and what better shit to fuck with
than his daughter???”
And Cian is like “You mean I get to fulfill a prophecy
AND piss off Balor
AND get laid, all at the same time?
SIGN
ME
THE
FUCK
UP”

So Birog dresses Cian in drag
and then uses wind powers to teleport them to Balor’s island
and tells all the handmaidens “yo this is a queen
she’s one of the Tuatha de Danaan
who are all magic as fuuuuck
and she’s looking for a place to lay low for a while
can you hook her up?”
and the handmaidens know better than to fuck with the Tuatha de
so they let them in
and then Birog knocks them all out with magic
and then Cian goes up to Ethlinn’s room
and Ethlinn is like “OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN”
and they fuck pretty hard
but then Cian is like “lol i was really just here to prank your dad
bye”
and then Birog uses the wind to whisk him away again
leaving Ethlinn pregnant in her dad’s glass castle

This is a bad place to be pregnant
because as soon as she gives birth to the baby
her dad is like “Noooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyy
and drowning babies isn’t like a big step for him
so he just has some people take the baby to be drowned
but they put the baby in a really shitty bag
and he falls out into the water too early
and everybody’s like “ah it’s probably fine
babies are terrible swimmers
it’s one of a long list of things they are terrible at
honestly why do we even put up with babies
babies are great if you like
need a bunch of shit on your hands
but you’re too impatient to wait for your own shit
I can think of literally no other application for babies.”
then they all go home and get hammered

BUT THE BABY SURVIVES
MOSTLY DUE TO BIROG’S WIND MAGIC
so she brings the baby to Cian
and Cian is like “what is this?
a baby?
nope
don’t want it”
and he gives it to some lady named Taillte to raise
and that baby’s name is Lugh
and he grows up to be good at everything
but that’s a story for another time

the moral of the story
is if some dude steals your cow
revenge-fuck his daughter.
you know
an eye for an eye.

The end.

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The Speckled Bull is Like The Speckled Band Except Not At All

Hey Ladies
(and dudes I GUESS)
Today’s myth comes from the noisy mind
of musical carpet-bomber Sonata A. Helicopter
(The A stands for Apocalypse)
it is called The Speckled Bull
and it is about the trouble with monogamy

okay so there’s this hot dude
(yes ladies, you asked and I listened)
and this dude is macking on a couple of babes
and these babes
are SISTERS
awwwwwwwww yeeeeeeaahhhh

but seeing as this myth was not filmed in the san fernando valley
it does not immediately devolve into a hot celtic threesome
instead it devolves into a hot celtic LOVE TRIANGLE
now with INFANTICIDE
because see the hot dude ends up marrying the younger sister
and the older sister has problems moving on
and also problems moving out, apparently
so when the prince is out hunting one day
(oh yeah the hot dude is a prince because duh)
and the younger sister has a baby all of a sudden
the older sister steals the baby
and throws it in the river

so this chick just drowned a baby
she needs a mighty good alibi
and that’s why when the prince comes home
and is like oh shit what happened
the older sister is like oh man
you married some kind of craaazy wife there
because instead of having a child
like you wanted
she had a kitten
it had to be destroyed
and the prince
who is basically the ancient celtic version
of the archetypal beer-commercial husband
is like well … if that’s what you think is best
then he goes and has sex with his traumatized wife again

so cut to a few weeks later
this younger (apparently mute) sister has ANOTHER baby
and the prince is STILL out hunting
so the evil sister
(because let’s face it
she’s definitely evil at this point
it’s not like you accidentally slip on a pebble and drown your nephew)
she takes the new baby
puts it in a box with some airholes
and throws THAT in the river
because that kinda shit NEVER COMES BACK TO BITE ANYONE IN THE ASS

then the prince comes home
and the evil sister is like whoah damn
remember how I said your wife was fucked up
well this time instead of having a baby or a kitten
she pooped out a PUPPY
IT HAD TO BE DESTROYED

okay now hold on
if I had a wife
and instead of having human children
that require shit like parenting and health insurance
she had adorable puppies and kittens
I would do everything in my power to hold onto that woman
and start some kind of adorable puppy mill/sex factory
but instead
what this beer-commercial prince does
is he authorizes this older sister to destroy his wife with magic
(because everyone in ireland has magic wands
that turn their sisters into green rocks)
then he marries a woman who has openly confessed to murdering puppies and kittens
DUDE YOUR BAD DECISIONS ARE SORT OF PILING UP OVER HERE

But remember that baby with the airholes?
of course you do
how could you not
that baby is the single remaining loose end in this tapestry of blood and failure
and he has just been caught by a fisherman because duh

so the fisherman is like sweet a baby
my wife loves these things
and he brings it home and his wife like flips her shit and tells everyone
and word gets back to the evil sister
and she knows that the baby everyone’s talking about is the river baby
because come on, where else do babies come from
so she goes over to the fisherman’s wife
while the fisherman is out fishing
and she’s like yo that baby isn’t yours
and the fisherman’s wife is like hey shut up, that’s way rude
and the sister is like look I know you stole this baby
it doesn’t matter how I know
what matters is that it is a changeling and it is evil
so you should give it to me
and the fisherman’s wife is like well, if that’s the only way
so the sister takes the baby
KILLS the baby
and buries it out in the yard
yes
for those keeping track at home
this raggedy ur-bitch has just murdered two babies
THREE TIMES

and that would have been the end of that
except someone forgot that ireland is composed ENTIRELY OF MAGIC
so where that baby is buried
a crazy tree grows
covered in all kinds of crazy fruit
and this speckled cow shows up and starts eating the fruit
yeah
it is an unusual cow
(i imagine it as being purple
but you can imagine it whatever color you want
because that is the magic of your imagination)
and then that cow starts shooting milk out everywhere
way too much milk
and when it runs out of milk it starts shooting out babies
or actually just one baby
which is weird cause no one even had sex with it
and this baby is a dude cow
and they can’t castrate him because he is just TOO ROWDY

so obviously the evil sister knows this cow is trouble
so she comes up with a plan to take it out
which is she bribes a doctor
and then slaughters a chicken and drinks its blood
like you do
and then when her idiot husband comes home she spits blood all over him
like OH SHIT I’M BLEEDING OUT MY MOUTH
THE ONLY CURE IS FOR YOU TO MURDER THAT BULL AND GIVE ME ITS HEART
and the prince is like but honey we can’t even cut off its balls
and the doctor is like dude
you have a choice between recruiting every dude in ireland
to kill this magic purple bull
or letting your puppy-murdering wife die of acute blood-itis
so the prince makes the obvious choice

OBVIOUSLY DUMB THAT IS
so these irish dudes try to lasso this bull
which responds by flying to china
where it joins a herd of tiny chinese cows
and scares the SHIT out of the populace

so the king of china hears about this weird bull
and his curiosity is straight PIQUED
so he tells everyone to get the fuck away from the bull
and he goes over there with his daughter
because see his daughter has a curse
like basically fifty percent of the characters in this story
the curse is that if she looks at any dude other than her dad
she has to marry that dude
so the king shows her this bull
and she’s like fuck dad
what is wrong with you
now I have to marry this hot prince you just showed me
and the king is like what hot prince
but then he touches his daughter’s shoulder
and sees that the BULL is actually a MEGA-HOT PRINCE
THAT’S RIGHT LADIES
HOT PRINCES COMIN’ OUT OF LIVESTOCK UP IN HERE

so the princess has blown her load as far as her curse is concerned
so she figures she should help the prince blow his load
by marrying him
but that only half-undoes the curse
which means she has to decide whether he will be a bull by day and a man by night
or a man by day and a bull by night.
the princess chooses man by night
OBVIOUSLY
cause she’s not a weird bovinophile like SOME PEOPLE
and they carry on like this for a while
until the prince starts to get pretty sleep deprived
and they decide they have to find a more permanent solution

luckily the king of china has a druid who knows everything
less luckily, the druid only tells him shit once every seven years
to avoid prophecy overload
you know like
today you are going to trip on your shoe and your soda will be flat and etc.
but LUCKILY
today is the day the druid answers all the questions
so the king is like yo how do I fix my son-in-law
and the druid is like oh that’s simple
just tell the prince to start a fight in bull form
and then his horn will get broken off
and you need to go get it
and there will be a single drop of liquid inside
and then you put that in a flask
and go to the other side of the field and hold out a red flag
and the bull will charge you
and then you throw the liquid into the exact center of his ead
and he will turn into a dude forever!

… so the king does that
and then the prince is like dude thanks!
time to go make my mom not be a green rock anymore!
(oh yeah
in case it wasn’t clear
the prince in the bull was the baby from the box who got killed
and then turned into a fruit tree
and then got eaten by a cow and then born as a bull
I don’t know why that wouldn’t be clear though)

so he goes back home and they’re having some kind of party
and he shows up in disguise
by which I mean, not looking like a bull
and everyone is telling stories
and he’s like hey I know a story
it’s about how one time my aunt tried to kill me THREE TIMES
and then I was some fruit and a cow and some other stuff
and isn’t that fucked up?
(except he changes everyone’s names to protect the innocent
but the evil sister STILL knows who he’s talking about)
then he’s like hey party people
if you had to punish that bitch sister
what would you do to her?
and everyone has different ideas
so finally he asks the bitch sister herself
and this is her chance to totally get away scott free
so of course she says
“I would tie her to a chimney naked
with no food or water except what blows in on the breeze”
and uh
that’s what they do to her
then the prince makes his mom not be a rock anymore
and he goes back to china with his princess
and no one ever speaks of his dumb dad ever again

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
try try again
unless what you’re trying is infanticide
in which case maybe just leave well enough alone

THE END.

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Cuchulainn: ULTIMATE HUSBAND

Hey guys
sorry I didn’t post a myth yesterday
I was sick
i am still sick, but fuck it

okay so this story was also told to me by Joshua Safford
but by the time he told it to me i was pretty drunk
so I don’t remember what anyone is called
except Cuchulainn
who is the only one who matters anyway

okay so in Ireland
or wherever these stories happen
they have this weird awful tradition
where they throw rocks at birds
and then if they knock down the birds
they put them on women they like
2 birds per women
and Cuchulainn is great at throwing rocks
so as our story opens
he has just winged SIX BIRDS
did somebody say FOURSOME?

well yes
somebody did
and that somebody was cuchulainn
but actually there is a little bit of a logistical problem
because Cuchulainn did not go out mauling birds by himself
he brought ladies with him
FOUR ladies
and one of those ladies
is his WIFE
so Cuchulainn has to make a tricky decision
but he’s a tricky guy
so what he does
is he gives two birds to each lady
EXCEPT HIS WIFE
and then he’s like “hey honey
are you jealous that i didn’t put any dead birds on you?”
and his wife is like “No Cuchulainn
because those birds are only tokens of your affection
and I already have your affection
because we’re married and shit
plus i don’t really want dead birds all over me”

but then RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT
two birds fly by
tied together with a silver chain
and Cuchulainn is like DON’T WORRY HONEY
I WILL GET YOU SOME DEAD BIRDS
and his wife is like “No dude
i said it was cool
plus those birds are chained together
there is clearly some magical shit going on
don’t throw rocks at those birds”
but Cuchulainn is already throwing rocks
because throwing rocks is what he DO
he misses once
and he misses twice
and his wife is like “DUDE
SERIOUSLY
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA.”
but then he throws the third time and he snaps the chain
and the birds freak out and break their necks on the ground
and Cuchulainn is like here honey
put these on your body
then he passes out on the ground and starts tripping balls
because
let me reiterate
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA

So Cuchulainn is leaving no ball un-tripped there on the banks of the river
he is hallucinating these crazy water nymphs
beating him with gold chains
and meanwhile all the hot ladies he brought to the beach with him
all have to drag him back to the castle
what castle, you ask?
fuck, does it matter?
you know europe
fucking castles coming out of other castles
just trust me, there was one nearby
and they get there
and the king is like “Oh shit
this looks like a magical river curse.
only one cure for those:
take him back to the magical river”
and the resident wise woman is like “dude
no
bad idea”
but nobody asked her
so they drag Cuchulainn right back to the river

meanwhile, Cuchulainn is still tripping more balls than that burglar from Home Alone
and all the nymphs who are hitting him with chains are like dude
the wife of the sea-god really needs some loving
you should get on that
she’s totally askin for it
and Cuchulainn is like “LADIES
I AM A MARRIED MAN”
and the nymphs are like “Okay look
the sea god is out of town a lot on business
because of tides and whatnot
and his wife is just looking for a little something on the side
and we are authorized to hook you up”
and Cuchulainn is like “TELL MY WIFE I AM BUSY.”

So then I guess he wakes up from his coma
and starts fucking this sea goddess
and nobody knows about this
except his wife, obviously
because he keeps coming home damp and smelling of sea-pussy
so one night she follows him down to the river
and sees him boning this chick
and she’s like “DUDE
YOU GAVE ME DEAD BIRDS
I THOUGHT YOU CARED MORE THAN THIS”
and Cuchulainn is like “uh … my bad?”
and the sea goddess is like “look lemme just use him for one more minute”
and then the sea god is like “WHAT THE FUCK IRENE
SERIOUSLY?
AGAIN?”
(irene is the name i just made up for the sea goddess)
and his wife is like “Uh … my bad?”
and the sea god is like “FUCK THIS
AMNESIA WAVE”
and he hits them with a big ol’ wave
and it wipes out Cuchulainn’s memory of all his illicit sexytimes with the sea goddess
and vice versa
in fact the only person who doesn’t get her memory wiped
is Cuchulainn’s wife
which sorta blows
because she can’t very well punish Cuchulainn for something he doesn’t remember
so instead she’s just like insanely bitter
forever

So the moral of the story
is if you ever get caught cheating
just hit yourself in the head with a shovel
did somebody say GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?

The end.

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Midir is a Player

Today’s myth comes courtesy of professional storyteller/wizard Joshua Safford
(and he told it to me in words, out loud
so if I misspell any of the names, sorry)
and it is about hustlin

So there’s this dude Midir
he’s like a grand master at chess
don’t worry, that’ll be important later
what’s important right now
is that Midir is getting mega freaky with this fairy named Etain
which is great
i mean, fairy tail is the best tail there is
but what’s not so great
is that Midir
is MARRIED
to the QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
the queen is named Fuanach
and she is basically the Hera to Fuanach’s Zeus

so obviously Fuanach figures out what’s going on
and she does what any concerned spouse would do under the circumstances
she calls her wizard, Tamburlaine, and tells him to kill Etain
and Tamburlaine is like WHOAH, HEY
I am NOT going back to jail
plus fairies are invincible or some shit
the best I can do
is turn Etain into a butterfly
and then chuck a typhoon at her
and Fuanach is like SOLD

So Midir is putting his mouth all over Etain
but then he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water
and when he comes back
HIS CONCUBINE IS AN INSECT
AND WINDSTORMS ARE HAPPENING
so he gets the fuck out of there as fast as he can
and Etain is about to get crushed by flying pieces of masonry
when KA-KAWWW
here comes an eagle, rescuing her shit
but this is no ordinary eagle, my friends
this eagle is the servant of ANGUS
GOD OF LOVE
wait, seriously?
You are the god of love
and your name is ANGUS?
Guys
the name Angus
is about as sexy as a crotchful of stale mac n cheese
if your name is Angus and you are reading this
i mean no offense
because i am sure that YOU know better
than to label yourself the GOD OF LOVE

So angus has this butterfly now
and he’s like what the fuck do i do with this
oh I know, i’ll break the curse
but the problem is that there’s some weird rule
that says you can only break curses in half
so now Etain is a hot fairy chick half the time
and a butterfly the other half of the time
so half the year Angus just shags the shit out of her
because remember
GOD OF LOVE
and the other half of the time he keeps her in a cardboard box
because remember
ANGUS

and for some reason Etain is not really down with this
so she escapes from the cardboard box
cause Angus didn’t even put any tape on it or anything
and she flies back down to earth
and into a cup of wine
that gets drank by this dude Eochaid
who then gets frisky with his wife
who gets pregnant
and gives birth
to ETAIN
HOLY SHIT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DRINK WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE

so word gets around that this hot chick
(who looks exactly like Etain)
has just been born (fully grown?) to Eochaid
and Midir hears about this
and clearly has not had enough of his wife’s wrath
so he just heads straight over to Eochaid’s house
like HEY BRO I HEAR YOUR DAUGHTER’S A BABE
WANNA PLAY CHESS?
and Eochaid is like HELLL YEAH
at which point Midir begins what is to be
THE SINGLE GREATEST CHESS HUSTLE OF ALL TIME

he starts throwing games
like “Aww man i’m normally not this bad
double or nothing?”
night after night
and every night
while Eochaid contemplates freshly dope strategies
Midir sneaks around to Etain’s window
to tickle on her heart strings with his sexy guitar licks
until finally one day Midir gets sick of losing
and he straight hands Eochaid his ass
and Eochaid is like “double or nothing?”
and Midir is like NO
GIVE ME A GIFT
and Eochaid is like sure
what do you want?
and Midir is like I want to make out with your daughter
and Eochaid is like oh ok
just give me a week to get her ready

so he gets her ready alright
he gets her ready by surrounding her with a fortress
and a whole metric cockblock’s worth of guards
but Midir is a fairy
fairies give less than no fucks about stuff like this
so he just swoops into Etain’s room
gargles her tonsils for a bit
and his tongue is so exquisitely acrobatic
that it magically restores Etain’s memories of all their previous sexytimes
and they go back to fairyland
for further adultery and nonsense

So the moral of the story
is that the real threat to the sanctity of marriage
is magical fairy powers

THE END

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Niall Sure Knows How To Take One For The Team

Oh, Joseph Campbell
you tell me the silliest stories

Okay so there’s five celtic bros
they are the sons of this dude named Eochaid
i’m not sure if this is the same Eochaid I’ve already talked about
probably he’s not though
because one of the bros you are about to hear about is named Niall
who Eochaid kills in the other story
so I dunno
either it’s a different Eochaid
or they have a really shitty family
BOTH ARE PLAUSIBLE

ANYWAY
Niall and his four other bros are all lost somewhere in Ireland
and this is bad because nobody thought to pack any water
so they’re like alright gang
let’s split up
and try to find some water
and by split up
I mean let’s all take turns going to the EXACT SAME PLACE
so they do.
So the first dude to find a well is this dude Fergus
you can already tell he’s gonna fuck up
because he’s named Fergus
when has anyone named Fergus ever done anything right?
I am sorry if your name is Fergus
and doubly sorry if your name is Fergus Fergeson
but that is exactly why they invented changing your name

so anyway, Fergus Ferguson finds this well
and standing in front of the well
is just the most BODACIOUSLY UGLY BROAD
he has EVER SEEN
to say that she had a horse-face would be an understatement
it is more like her face is the balls of a horse
or else her whole body is a horse’s taint
not a good horse, either
and definitely not a good taint
although I guess
what taint has ever been good
the point is
even a passing glance at this wench while perusing a where’s waldo puzzle
would be sufficient to induce a permanent and debilitating case of dickwilt
I mean this chick’s got TUSKS, man
GREEN TUSKS.
This is not even human stuff anymore
this is like a missus-potato-head of disaster up in this well.

So obviously Fergus sees this chick and he is just like HIGGITY HELL NO
and the chick is like dude
i haven’t even made my offer yet
my offer is:
you can have as much of this well-water as you want
if you make out with my lips
and Fergus is like BITCH I WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN LOOKING FOR YOUR LIPS
AND ONCE I FOUND THEM I WOULD WANT TO IMMEDIATELY PUT THEM BACK WHERE I FOUND THEM
I WOULD STRAIGHT UP RATHER DIE OF DEHYDRATION WHILE SHITTING MYSELF TWICE IN A CHURCH PEW
and the chick is like alright dude, suit yourself
and Fergus goes back to his bros

so this keeps happening
obviously
I mean why would there be five bros in this story if they weren’t all gonna make the same mistake
so Olioll, Brian and Fiachra all do the same thing Fergus did
and they all come back without any water
and they all congratulate each other on maintaining their high standards
even in the face of IMMINENT DEATH
until finally the fifth bro
who is named Niall, like I said earlier
is like guys
fuck this
we need water
and you are all acting like fucking third-graders
brb

so Niall goes to the well
and the chick is like You know the deal, right?
and Niall is like ayup
dig out them lips, sister
and she does
and he he’s like Check it out
i will even throw in a hug for free
so he gets all physical with the witchbag
and then WHABAM
INSTANT HOT CHICK
Okay honestly guys
who among you did NOT see this coming?
I swear
I feel like dudes in myths would have so much easier times
if they just knew they were in myths
so Niall is like girl
you are a galaxy of charms
can I get your number?
which is SUCH A GOOD LINE AND I AM GOING TO USE IT ALL THE TIME
and the chick is like we do not have phones, so no
but i will give you my name
I am ROYAL RULE
and by making out with me you have been entered to win KINGSHIP FOREVER
so congratulations
you and your kids are gonna be all the kings
oh and my ugliness was a metaphor for how you have to fight battles to be king and stuff
and Niall is just sort of nodding and staring at her tits so he probably misses that part
but then yeah
he brings water back to his bros
and they don’t die
and also he gets to be king for a longass time
until Eochaid
who may or may not be his dad
puts an arrow all the way through his skull.

So the moral of the story
is that it is truly a great and noble thing
to be the wingman.

THE END.

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Teig O’Kane Disposes of a Body

William Shatner suggested this myth
but not the William Shatner you’re thinking of
ROBOT William Shatner

So there’s this dude Teig

he
is
WORTHLESS
he has this huge inheritance from his dad
and as tends to happen in these stories
he is squandering it AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
actually it’s not even an inheritance
his dad is still alive
Teig is just TAKING HIS MONEY
and funneling it into WHORES
sometimes he is literally funneling it into them
with funnels
no one likes it
not the whores
not teig
but it’s the principle of the thing, ok?

but one day this dude fucks up
he fucks up and he gets some chick pregnant
and word gets back to his dad
and his dad is like SON
I HAVE STOOD IDLY BY WHILE YOU FUNNELED ALL MY MONEY INTO THOSE WHORES
BUT THIS IS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE WHORE’S
UH
YOU KNOW
HERE’S THE DEAL
EITHER YOU GET MARRIED TO THIS CHICK
OR I AM GIVING ALL MY MONEY TO MY NEPHEW
WHO I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE MONEY TO A LONG TIME AGO BECAUSE YOU SUCK
THE END

(that was Teig’s dad saying the end just now
that is not the end of the story
look, it continues below!)

so Teig is like aw man what the fuck dad
way to kill a dude’s boner
you know what
just for that
I’m gonna be a big sulkypants and go wander around on the moors at night
THE MOORS:
WHERE GOOD THINGS ALLLLWAYS HAPPEN
by the way
this may just be all the acid i took
but it looks like all my capital letters are written in blue
wordpress
what are you doing to my capital letters
I need those for yelling

so anyway, Teig goes wandering
and pretty soon it’s midnight
and he’s standing by a road
and a bunch of dudes come by talking in a STRAAAANGE LANGUAGE
and he sees them
and they are a bunch of EVIL MIDGETS
i mean he assumes they are evil because they are midgets and he is prejudiced
but what do you know
HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT
the midget-in-chief runs up to him like HEY TEIG
GOOD THING WE FOUND YOU
and Teig is like w-w-what?
and the midget is like ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER
DO YOU SPEAK IT
and Teig is like w-w-w-what?
and the midget is like
PLEASE CONTINUE SAYING WHAT TO INDICATE THAT YOU WANNA HELP US GET RID OF A DEAD BODY
and Teig is like …NO!
and the midget is like TOO BAD
JUST GONNA USE MIDGET MAGIC ON YOU AND NOW THE DEAD BODY IS GRAFTED TO YOUR SPINE
and Teig is like SHIT SHIT SHIT AHHHHH
and the midgets are like no dude it’s fine
all you gotta do is bury this body before sunrise
in the center of a church
there’s a church right by here
we can get there in only about an hour of brutal midnight marathon running
and if that church happens to be closed
there’s another church
also two other churches
also another church
and at least one of those churches has got to be open

Now friends
I think we all know which church it is that’s gonna be open
THE LAST CHURCH
DURRRR
but Teig doesn’t know this
because it is hard to metagame with a corpse clinging to your body
(which is I think a handy tip for all you dungeon masters out there)
plus the churches are all pretty hilarious
so check it out:

Church number one is locked
and Teig is about to just say fuck it
when the dead body starts TALKING TO HIM
and he’s like WHOA SHIT YOU CAN TALK?
and the dead dude is like sometimes, yeah
look, grab the key on the windowsill
unlock the door
bury me in there
so Teig does that
up until the burying part
because when he tries to pry up the church floor and dig a grave
he starts uncovering all these DEAD BODIES
because WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO BE THERE
and all the dead people are like FUCK YOU
PUT THE DIRT BACK
ALL DEAD PEOPLE CAN TALK AND IT IS RACIST OF YOU TO THINK OTHERWISE

so Teig gets the fuck out of that church
and the dead body is like yo
let’s go to the next church
and he starts pointing the direction to the next church
like some giant zombie compass or something
and Teig is like dude, if you can talk and point and whatever
why can’t you just walk to a church and bury your damn self?
and the zombie is like BECAUSE PLOT POINTS, OK?

so they get to the second church
but this time the ghosts won’t even let him in the ROOM
there is like a whole football squad of disturbingly corporeal ghosts
just like NOPE NOPE BA-DOPE all up in his way
so they gotta go to the THIRD church

the third church is a piece of cake
no ghosts, no locked doors no nothiOH WAIT INVISIBLE MURDERGHOSTS
all Teig has to do is walk in the front door
before he gets the everloving SPLEEN beat out of him by a poltergeist
or whatever the irish version of a poltergeist is
Polter McGeist
no, that still doesn’t work
Polter Oshaugnessy
that’s more like it
anyway, now he has to go to the fourth chirch

Now the fourth church is a no bullshit kind of church
Teig gets within like twenty feet of it
and then it EXPLODES INTO LIGHTNING
and Teig is like uh whoa
who installed the security measures on these churches
it seems really counterproductive to design a bunch of graveyards
that EXPLODE WHEN YOU TRY TO BURY DUDES IN THEM
or else KILL YOU IN SOME OTHER WAY
because i feel like the last thing you want when you are trying to bury bodies
is MORE BODIES TO BUY
what a racket, geeze
and then he heads to the FIFTH church

And the fifth church is the last church
so by process of elimination
both the audience and Teig now know
that nothing could possibly go wrong in this church
and nothing goes wrong
NICE
and then the day is saved
or at least the condition of that weird talking corpse is saved
and this for some reason convinces Teig to change his whorefunneling ways
even though the more likely outcome of a near death experience
is a one way ticket on the boozetrain to prostitution island
and then you drown in the lake of bad decisions because TRAINS DON’T GO ON WATER
but no no no
Teig gets married to his shotgun bride
and all is well in the world

so the moral of the story
is that they call them undertakers FOR A REASON

the end.

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It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

wow
so i was like 4AM last night and I was casting about for a myth to do
and I look at my bookshelf and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
a book entitled ANCIENT IRISH TALES?
totally forgot I looted that off of someone’s table at burning man
so here goes some irish shit

okay so there’s this dude Niall right?
he’s pretty cool
he’s the king of all Ireland or whatever
he’s kind of homies with this dude Eochaid
and so Eochaid gets done partying at his house
for like DAYS
and sets off to walk back to is crib down south
but it’s more than a few blocks back to Eochaid’s crib
in fact it is DAYS AND DAYS
so Eochaid decides to take a quick break from one-manning it across a country
and hits up the castle of Laidcenn, Niall’s chief poet
seriously
chief poet
that was a fucking career option back in ancient Ireland
and you got paid in CASTLES
gonna go ahead and add 11th century Ireland to the list
the list of time periods that my parents unjustly failed to birth me into

so Eochaid rolls up to this castle
like YO
CHIEF POET
I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY COMMITTING POESIES OR WHATEVER
BUT CAN YOU HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A BITE TO EAT
and Laidcenn is like
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HAIRY LASS
NO BITE YOU’LL EAT BUT OF MY ASS
so Eochaid walks home
hungry and kind of embarassed

alright guys
so you know how when someone denies your god-given right to crash at their place
so you leave
and come back later with your army
and burn down their house and kill their sons?
well then you must be irish
because this kind of shit apparently happens there ALL THE TIME
so yeah Eochaid is standing in the ruins of Laidcenn’s house
like BITE YOUR ASS HUH?
HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR DEAD SON’S ASS?
HOW ABOUT THAT
and Laidcenn is like diude
i’m pretty sure that’s cannibalistic necropheliac child molestation
and Eochaid is like dude
we live in a world where burning down your house and killing your son is legal
i don’t think it is much of a stretch to assume i can also eat his corpse’s ass
and Laidcenn is like fair point
and Eochaid leaves

but that is not the last Eochaid hears of Laidcenn
because what Laidcenn proceeds to do
is lampoon the everloving FUCK out of Eochaid and all his dudes
he satirizes those fuckers so hard THEIR PLANTS STOP GROWING
okay no wonder this guy got a castle
his lyrics are so heart-cloggingly dense
that they are actually BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
and then on top of that Niall decides to go raid Eochaid’s territory
and tells everyone he won’t leave until he gets Eochaid as a souvenir
so everyone is like fuck dude sorry
we like you
but we don’t like you enough to have Niall skullfuck our countryside forever
so Eochaid is delivered to Niall
and chained by the throat to a stone pillar
and then Niall sends nine dudes to stab him to death
and Eochaid is like well this isn’t any good
and proceeds to just lightly snap all the chains with his throat
then uses them to beat all nine dudes to death
Eochaid: not someone I would want to arm-wrestle

so Niall hears about this
and he rides all the way back down to Eochaid’s place
and he’s like seriously dude?
alright
new deal
we’re gonna keep skullfucking the countryside
until you come meet us by the river for as long as a cow is being milked
I guess because they didn’t have hourglasses in those days
but it’s okay because a cow is basically a living breathing hourglass
with edible sand
and edible glass too I guess
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

anyway Eochaid shows up at the river
with all his dudes
and he takes off all his weapons
and then Laidcenn shows up on the other side of the river
and just starts insulting the FUCK out of everyone
hurling weapons-grade burns across the river so hard that people’s faces are melting
and Eochaid is just like fuck this
takes a rock he kept tied to his belt
and throws it directly through Laidcenn’s skull
haha why did they try and tell this guy to put down all his weapons
all that is necessary for Eochaid to have a weapon
is for Eochaid to have ANY OBJECT AT ALL
but yeah Laidcenn dies
and they compose a quatrain in honor of his death
here it is, reproduced verbatim:

A champion’s handstone – tis well known – was hurled
Eochad son of Enna threw it at Laidcenn the son of Bairchid

that’s the kind of shit you churn out
when your chief poet just got hit in the head with a big rock
SOLID GOLD

so at this point Niall is just like fuck this
Eochaid
how about you’re just exiled
I’m done trying to talk to you or kill you or whatever
and Eochaid is like fair deal
so he goes and hits up his homie Erc
who is the son of Eochaid but maybe it is a different Eochaid

anyway meanwhile Niall earns is super rad nickname:
Niall of the Nine Hostages
because he takes hostages from basically everybody every place
he’s got five from ireland
one from scotland
one from the saxons
one from the britons
and one from the franks
basically no one is gonna fuck with him because then it’s shit city for the hostages

but Niall isn’t satisfied with nine hostages
pleasantly alliterative or not
he ain’t gonna stop til he’s got ALL THE HOSTAGES FOREVER
so he starts rollin on down towards italy
and he stops at the Alps
and Rome saves him the trouble by sending hostages to him
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ALPS
that’s right
Niall is such a rad hostage-taker
he is getting hostages via special delivery

but then the story diverges a little bit
some people say he died because he was busy showing his junk to some french chicks
who REALLY WANTED TO SEE HIS JUNK
which is pretty rad honestly
i’d be okay with dying of a nudity overdose in front of dong-hungry french ladies
but then there are other people who say that Eochaid showed up with more hostages
both Eochaids
or else they are the same Eochaid and just the one Eochaid showed up
I really don’t know
but either way
then Eochaid shoots Niall in the head with an arrow
marking the first time Eochaid ever killed anyone with an ACTUAL WEAPON
and then everyone is sad about it
and they fight like seven battles in front of the corpse
because hey
someone already opened up a fresh case of murder
it’d be a shame to let it go to waste
oh yeah and I guess some people are sad and they write poems about it

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care how many hostages you have
don’t piss off a guy who can kill flawlessly with any object at over 100 yards

THE END.

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The Tuatha De Know How to Fight a Fucking War

I took that fucking banner ad of the top of the page
cuz it made it look like someone was shitting directly into my website
and i felt like a whore
but it’s okay
because towering obelisk of masculinity Guns “Huge Dick” Fistheart
has made me into a much classier kind of whore by commissioning this tale of violence
(oh also if anyone who reads this shit goes to either SDSU
or SAIC
let me know which school i should go to)

Okay so there’s these dudes called the Tuatha De
and they spend a lot of time on some islands around Ireland
learning all the magic and getting all the cool shit
like some spear and a bigass foodpot
and whatever other kind of mystical nonsense people used to fill their houses with
before televisions and parking tickets and toddlers
anyway they get their shit set up pretty legit-like
and they just show up in Ireland and fucking murder everyone and take over
but in the process their chillest dude
whose name is Nuadu
gets his hand cut off
I mean it’s okay though
actually BETTER than ok
because they have some medical wizard named Dian Cecht
who just makes him a brand new hand out of FUCKING SILVER
and it works like a real live robot hand
totally ripping off Army of Darkness but that’s ok
but then Dian Cecht’s son doesn’t think a sweet robot hand is good enough
and starts trying to heal Nuadu’s old hand
and so his dad is like FUCK YOU SON
and hits him in the head with a sword
and his son heals himself
so Dian Cecht hits him HARDER
and this KEEPS HAPPENING
until finally his son is dead
and a bunch of herbs grow on his grave
but Dian Cecht mixes them all up so no one knows what the fuck any of them do
DIAN CECHT IS THE MOST SPITEFUL FUCKING DOCTOR I HAVE EVER HEARD OF

but so apparently getting one of your hands chopped off
makes you ineligible to be king
even if you have a totally sweet robo hand to replace your missing hand with
so they’re like fuck
Nuadu can’t be king
what do we do
oh i know
let’s just get this stupidass pretty-boy son of the king of a rival nation
to be our king
this could not possibly be disastrous
this kid’s name is Bres
which is just one or two or three letters from being Breasts
and let me tell you
that is the only good thing about this guy

BUT HOLD ON LEMME EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT BORN CAUSE IT’S PRETTY FUNNY
basically the chick who would one day become his mom is sitting in her castle
and she looks out at the ocean and she sees a ship or something
only then she looks closer and it is actually just some DUDE
coming across the water like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
totally blinged right the fuck out
and he charges right up to this chick and she is like what do you want
and he is like TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
and then they bang
and he gives her a ring
i guess as payment?
and then he leaves and she has this kid
and that dude is the king of the Fomoire
which is that rival kingdom that is gonna cause all the problems in this story

so anyway Bres becomes king
and he is a shitty king
no one likes him and he sucks real bad

BUT HOLD ON
LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER DUDE DAGDA REAL QUICK
BECAUSE THIS TALE I AM TELLING IS RIDDLED WITH FUCKING TANGENTS
okay so basically Dagda is some righteous badass who works for Bres initially
and he works with some shitty hack writer who has a mouth in the middle of his chest
and every day that asshole is like HEY DAGDA GIMME YOUR THREE BEST PIECES OF FOOD
and Dagda is basically starving to death because
LIKE AN IDIOT
he keeps giving the dude his food
so finally some other dude comes up to him and is like dude
just fucking put some gold coins in your food
and then that will be the best food
and then that asshole will choke on the coins and die
and for some reason that makes murder legal
AND IT WORKS
AND ACTUALLY DAGDA EVEN GETS A PRETTY SWEET COW OUT OF THE DEAL
ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

so all the Tuatha De motherfuckers finally go to Bres and they’re like dude
you’re a shitty king
you’re basically starving the fuck out of us
and like
generally being a twat
how about step the fuck off the throne
and Bres is like ok that’s fair
but can i be king for seven more years first?
and the dudes are like sure whatever we’re not in any hurry

EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS
BRES INTENDS TO USE THESE SEVEN YEARS TO GATHER A HUGE FUCKING ARMY
SO HE CAN KEEP BEING KING INDEFINITELY
so he goes to his mom and he’s like mom
when dad charged across the ocean to fuck the shit out of you all those years ago
which direction did he come from
and his mom is like THAT WAY
so Bres goes and hits up the kingdom of the Fomoires
and he’s like hey dad i got kicked out of that kingdom i was king of
and his dad is like what do you want me to do about it
and Bres is like lemme use your army to take it back
and his dad is like dude if you can’t fucking rule the kingdom then why should i
but honestly I’ve got nothing better to do so sure
here’s a bunch of champions
please be as irresponsible as possible

so meanwhile the Tuatha De back in Ireland are like FUUUUUUCK
why did we let this little shit be king for seven more years
that was seriously poor foresight on our part
but it’s cool because suddenly some hero shows up at their castle
(by the way Nuadu gets to be king now finally
I guess because after years of really shitty corrupt rulership
suddenly having a sweet-ass cyborg president doesn’t seem so bad
and yeah i know he’s a king not a president
but say cyborg president to yourself a few times out loud
and i think you will agree
it is a mega sweet thing to say)
anyway this hero is called Lug
I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be Lugh the long-handed
but i am frankly too lazy to check
regardless he is a pretty legit individual
because see he shows up at the gate
and the gatekeeper is like YOU CAN’T COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROFESSION
and Lug is like well i’m a builder
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BUILDER
so Lug is like I’M A BLACKSMITH
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BLACKSMITH
and Lug is like CARPENTER
and the gatekeeper is like WE GOT ONE
CHAMPION
WE GOT ONE
WARRIOR
WE GOT ONE
SORCEROR
WE GOT ONE
DOCTOR?
WE GOT ONE AND HE IS INCREDIBLY SPITEFUL
and Lug is like ok fine
but do you have a dude who is ALL OF THESE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the gatekeeper is like fuck i guess not
come in
and then Lug comes in and Nuadu is like fuck
dude you have so many professions
i think you should be king instead of me
so now suddenly Lug is king

so then they gather a whole bunch of druids and shit together
to talk about how they are going to deal with Bres’s jackassery
and they spend like THREE YEARS talking about this
and finally they are like ok here’s what we’re going to do:
we are going to use magic to completely fuck them over
like they won’t be able to find water and shit
it’s gonna be great
not sure why it took us three years to come up with USE MAGIC TO WIN
but it did and we aren’t getting that time back so we might as well deal with it

MEANWHILE DAGDA IS OFF DOING WEIRD FOOD SHIT AGAIN
see they send him to go say what’s up to the Fomoires
and on the way he plays hide the sausage with the Morrigan up on top of some mountain
where she is bathing
honestly the Morrigan sounds super hot
but i would not want to bang her
because like my grandfather always used to say
never stick your dick in crazy
anyway Dagda goes to the Fomoires and he’s like hey dudes
lemme just chill with you for a bit and maybe don’t kill me?
and they’re like sure
but you have to eat a massive pot of your FAVORITE FOOD
(porridge)
we are going to make it all and then pour it in a ditch
and if you don’t eat all of it we will kill you
and so Dagda busts out his special porridge ladel
which is like as big as my nuts
which are huge
and he eats ALL OF THAT FUCKING PORRIDGE
and then passes out on the ground
and everyone laughs at him and uploads a bunch of compromising photos to facebook
and then he wakes up and he’s like fuck this i’m going home
but he looks like a fucking idiot because his belly is sticking out of his shirt
and so is his ass
but in the other direction
and his massive dong is dragging on the ground
I’m not making this up this is how the story goes
anyway suddenly some chick ambushes him and beats the shit out of him
literally she beats the shit out of him
like she manhandles him so hard he shits himself
and he is lying in a pool o’ poop and he is like what the fuck
i really want to bang you but i am impotent because of how much food i just ate
and she is like NO TIME FOR THAT
CARRY ME HOME ON YOUR BACK FOR SOME REASON
and he is like ok just lemme finish shitting
and then he does and she gets on his back
and she makes a mistake and her pubes start poking out
which just instantly leads to her and Dagda having sex
and then she’s like hey Dagda
you know that war you’re about to fight in
don’t do it
I will turn into rocks and trees and shit to prevent you from doing it
and Dagda is like bitch don’t tell me to not fight wars
i am going to make a point of ruining every rock and tree i come across now
in case one of them is you
WHAT A LOVELY ANECDOTE

so meanwhile war is about to happen
and Lug is being the battle commander dude
and he is asking everyone how they plan to win the battle
and basically the answer is
WE ARE GOING TO USE A BUNCH OF REALLY UNFAIR MAGIC
like seriously after I was done reading all the fucking magic they planned to do
i was like why not just end the story here
i mean how is Formoire supposed to win when fire is raining from the sky
and they can’t find water
and the ground is turning into zombies
and no one they kill even fucking dies?
that’s BLATANTLY UNFAIR
WHAT THE FUCK TUATHA DE
WAY TO RUIN THE SUSPENSE

but anyway yeah the battle starts
and Nuadu doesn’t want Lug to go into battle
because Lug has WAY TOO MANY TALENTS
but Lug is like fuck that and goes battling anyway
and meanwhile spiteful asshole extraoidinaire Dian Cecht and his medical wizard pals
are chucking wounded dudes into this big well they found
and healing all of them
and also the blacksmith and the carpenter and stuff are making like
a million spears a minute
so Formoire sends a spy to go into the Tuatha De camp
and ask their super expert blacksmith for a spear
and then use the spear to kill the blacksmith
but then they just chuck the blacksmith in the well and he gets healed
so then Formoire decides to just fill up the well with rocks
and for some reason they are totally successful in doing this
AND THEN THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS

so everyone is murdering each other SO HARD
like seriously a benny hill style massacre
dudes all slipping in profusions of blood
cartoon sound effects as motherfuckers rip each others hearts out with their teeth
it’s very heartwarming
but the Formoires have a secret weapon
which is this dude Balor
whose eyeball fell into a vat of evil contact lens fumes and turned into medusa
and in order to open it he has to lift this bigass gold ring
he’s a giant by the way i think
or at least he has a giant eye
maybe he just has like a wheelbarrow for his distended eye
that would be cool/horrible
but anyway right as he’s about to unleash his wretched eyebeams
Lug rolls up and just chucks a spear at him so hard
it catapults his eyeball out the back of his head
and paralyzes Balor’s entire army instead
at which point there’s some poet on Balor’s side who is just like OK OK
WHO KILLED BALOR
and Lug is like ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHO
and the poet is like ALRIGHT
WELL
LET’S YELL BATTLE STATISTICS AT EACH OTHER
and Lug is like OK COOL
so they start yelling about how many people were killed
but not in a straightforward way
they do it with COMPLICATED ARITHMETICAL EQUATIONS
WHICH I WAS TOO TIRED TO CALCULATE
SO HERE’S HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING LEGEND:
3+ 3 x 20 + 50 x 100 + 20 x 100 + 3 x 50 + 9 x 5 + 4 x 20 x 1000 + 8 + 8 x 20 + 7
+ 4 x 20 + 6 + 4 x 20 + 5 + 8 x 20 + 2 + 40 noblemen
PLUS
7 + 7 x 20 x 20 x 100 x 100 + 90 POOR PEOPLE NO ONE CARES ABOUT
WHO COUNTS CASUALTIES THIS WAY?
THE FUCKING MATHEMAGICIAN
THAT’S WHO
AND I DON’T THINK HE EXISTED IN ANCIENT IRELAND
THEY HAD WAY BETTER WIZARDS
LIKE THE WIZARDS THAT SET YOU ON FIRE
AND THE WIZARDS THAT TURN YOU INTO A CYBORG AND THEN DECAPITATE THEIR SONS

anyway yeah then the morrigan shows up for the fleshreaping
and she starts going on and on about how the future is really fucking bleak
and then i guess everyone kind of gets bored of listening to her talk
and wanders away
because that’s where the story ends
so that’s a great note to end on

so I guess the moral of the story
is fuck bitches
get wizards

THE END

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Everyone in Ireland is a Dick

First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutout
to tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDredd
for funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed right
i think i mentioned him before
but what i still don’t understand
is why he is called the long-handed
is that a desirable trait?
i mean i could see wanting to have long arms
like if you are the law or an octopus or whatever
but long hands?
it just seems like you would need special forks
BUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dude
or rather some dude’s possessions
the dude’s name is Bodb Dearg
maybe it is actually a city and not a dude
probably it is a city
but who gives a shit
anyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomor
who the fuck comes up with all these names
why don’t we just call them what they are
the assholes and some other assholes
anyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit back
and he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothers
his dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevant
and they are like sup Lugh whatcha doin
and Lugh is like trying to get some shit back
and they are like oh sweet can we help
and he’s like yeah
can you gather some more assholes to help me with this shit
and they are like YESSS
so Lugh keeps riding after the other assholes
and these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going north
and running into these three HUGE assholes
the three sons of Tuireann
who hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothers
and Cainte is like fuck this i better hide
so he takes out his druid stick
which is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient ireland
and he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigs
at which point the sons of Tuireann are like hey
did you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?
yeah
he’s probably up to no good
let’s stab him
so they do
and then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?
and they are all like NOPE
and in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at him
also this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMES
before the ground stops shitting him back out
SO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudes
and he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit back
and they are like nope
and Lugh is like ok cool have it your way
and he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show up
and then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomor
to the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lugh
if you let us go now
we promise to come back later and attack you again
this time with ALL OUR GUYS
and Lugh is like DEAL
SERIOUSLY
THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel great
i would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hug
where is he by the way
DEAD YOU SAY?
UNACCEPTABLE
WHO DID THIS
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?
OF COURSE IT IS
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junk
and Lugh calls them all together like dudes
my father is dead
how many people think that is shitty
and everyone raises their hands
including the Tuireann jackasses
and Lugh is like how many people agree
that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dad
and again everyone raises their hands
and Lugh is like ok who did it
it’s ok you can tell me
and the Tuireann guys are like fuck fine
it was us
and Lugh is like oh ok sweet
so how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for me
i have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by wars
so if you could just get me like
three apples
and a spear
and a pig skin
and a chariot and a couple horses
and seven pigs
and a puppy
and a roasting spit
and three shouts on a hill
i think we can call it even
sound good?
and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOOD
and Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO IT
and they’re like fine
we promise
and Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLES
EAT FINE PRINT
THOSE APPLES I WANT?
BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES
AND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLY
AND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOG
ALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHES
oh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hill
that is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dad
who you killed remember
and who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hill
so that won’t be easy either
and the Tuireann dudes are like WELP
GUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELY
so they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples place
they show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding it
and two of the dudes
who have names with too many letters
are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLED
but the third one
whose name is Brian
is like no idiots
let’s just use our druid sticks
come on
everyone has these
why are they not part of your problem solving protocol
so they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birds
they swoop in and steal apples
and then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightning
but it’s ok because they turn into swans
PERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskin
so they decide to pose as poets
here is the problem
they are shitty poets
except for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everything
anyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETS
and the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETS
COME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINK
so they go inside and immediately start getting smashed
and the king is like hey
recite some poems
and Brian’s brothers are like durr uhh
and Brian is like fine i got this
ahem:

YO YO YO YO YO
I HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKIN
GIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poem
what is it about
and Brian is like it is about that pigskin you have
and how you should give it to me
and the king is like i’m sorry dude
that poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybody
how about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMES
and give you all that gold
JESUS CHRIST GUYS
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?
LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKE
HEY HEY HEY
GIMME ALL YOUR SWAG
AND BAM
INSTANT RICHES?!
BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICK
so anyway Brian is like sure works for me
except then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shit
he and his brothers just kill everyone and steal it
EXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartowne
somewhere in persia
they’re like well hey
the poet thing worked once before
let’s try that again
so they show up as poets
and Brian is like hey king
i wrote you a poem
ahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARS
I HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEAR
HAND THAT SHIT OVER
(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast son
you can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongue
and expect me to start bathing you in bitches and riches
get the fuck out of my house
and Brian is like woops
plan B
MURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND
and then between the three of them they kill everyone in court
and steal the spear
which has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house down
SUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them to
they decide to slightly alter they MO for this one
and pretend to be soldiers instead of poets
so really not so much pretending
as just showing up like sup
we are soldiers
can we work for you
and the king is like SURE AWESOME
but the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTH
and they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariot
so finally they are like fuck this we’re leaving
as a result of your failure to produce horses
and the king is like whoa guys
why didn’t you just ask to see the horses?
i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interest
and I like you guys
everyone here likes and trusts you guys
here is the chariot and here are the horses
at which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the loot
THE SONS OF TUIREANN:
PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around
that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdoms
so when they show up as this dude Easal’s palace
like hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade you
Easal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE IT
and they are like we just want 7 magic pigs
and Easal is like WHATEVER GUYS
THEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGS
NOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVER
and the Tuireann guys are like wow
we just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONE
this feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELP
off to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other king
and Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other king
bring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by you
and Brian is like sounds good
so they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happening
and Easal goes up to the king like dude
you have two options here
get murdered
or give them a fucking DOG
be smart about this
and the king is like NOPE
so then there’s a huge battle
only instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around
like a screaming white flag of emasculation
and then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ball
to spy on these dudes this whole time
wicked witch of the west style
and he is like oh look
they just got all the things that I actually WANTED
lemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shit
before they fuck something up and die too early
so Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re done
let’s go home
and they go home
and Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reason
like he goes to this city called Teamhair
which makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketball
except instead of team shirts and team skins
it is Team Hair and Team Nohair
oh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like hey
dude
we got your shit for you
and Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHIT
WHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPIT
ALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLS
and the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCK
HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGS
let’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spit
but the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND IS
they have to look for it for like 3 fucking months
and finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimming
seriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his name
his brothers are fucking worthless
they are pretty much either killing people
or sitting around choking on their own fucking saliva
anyway Brian finds the island
with all the chicks on it
and he sees the roasting spit
and he’s just like fuck it
how about i just take it
so he picks it up and starts walking away
but the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCE
THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHING
BUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST TAKE IT
WHATEVER
so DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing left
and that is to go shout on a hill
so they land their boat next to the hill
and some dude comes running down the hill
like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILL
and brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORD
but he is actually using reverse psychology
because then he stabs the shit out of that dude
BUT OH NO
HERE COME THREE MORE DUDES
SO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT
and so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spears
and the Tuireann bros win obviously
but not before getting mortally wounded
so they’re all lying at the base of the hill
and Brian is like COME ON GUYS
WE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILL
and the other two are like sorry dude
too busy dying
and Brian is like FUCK THAT
and picks everyone up
and they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hill
where they shout three times
and then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grim
but remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?
so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a second
and they sail back to Teamhair
and one of Brian’s brothers goes in
and asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quick
and Lugh is like NOPE
and Brian hears this and is like fuuuuck
here
carry me in there
see if I can convince him
i’m the one that actually does things
and he goes in there and is like Lugh
seriously
we got all your stupid shit
it would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right now
and Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another call
oh it’s my dad
I’m sorry dad what’s that you say
it’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOU
and Brian is like fine ok i get it
and then he and his brothers die
and they are buried together

so yeah
the sons of Tuireann were assholes
but in the end
it was Lugh who was the real asshole
which just goes to show
that when you are surrounded on all sides by assholes
sometimes the biggest asshole
was inside you all along

THE END

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Cuchulainn is the megatron of killing people

desperate sweaty thankyou
to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson
for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth
and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post
PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me
that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?
ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?
BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
AND HAND THEM TO YOU
ALL OF YOU
ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory
cause there are these two swineherds right
they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter
but they hate each other SO MUCH
they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other
you know
instead of herding swine
don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys
this is the kind of shit that happens
productivity goes WAY DOWN
anyway they turn into birds or whatever
and then they get careless and some cows eat them
and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS
there is a white one and a brown one
and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster
(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)
and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb
who rules the kingdom of Connacht
except the bull is sexist
and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband
which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households
whoever has more money makes the rules
and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on
not about to lose that privelege
so she is like OY
KING OF ULSTER
I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS
COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL
and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS
but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys
like haha joke’s on that asshole
if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway
and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT
and Medb is like ok fine
hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you
AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster
because due to some hilarious curse
all of the warriors in the whole damn place
are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps
because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever
so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED
but actually
victory is not assured
because remember
Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now
and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS
OBVIOUSLY
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS
HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN
AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS
AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE
JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM
who can do anything about this incoming invasion
but whoops
he kind of forgets
and starts having a bunch of sex
but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY
and he is like it’s cool guys i got this
and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT
ONE AT A TIME
AT A RIVER
BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY
oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys
Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES
ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS
WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?
BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS
but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes
and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them
and this goes on for a WHILE
some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people
but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED
and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing
and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster
just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED
and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends
there is a thing in this legend
called the warp spasm
and it is like a combination of footage from transformers
voltron
and an american werewolf in london
NOW WITH MORE BLOOD
let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all
his legs turn backwards
I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage
but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt
also your feet and shins apparently
i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT
but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face
in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS
and they are all moving around and flexing
and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head
until it disappears
and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face
I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage
but i guess apparently it does
also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears
and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat
along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE
oh yeah
and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL
STRAIGHT UP
JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD
FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR
MY FRIENDS
IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING
AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY
WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE
AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME
THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE
oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people
in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP
also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit
which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army
and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options
stay here and get killed
or run away and still probably get killed
but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become
so they start running the fuck away
along with Medb
but BAM
right at this very moment
MEDB GETS HER PERIOD
KAPOW
NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER
and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD
and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU
WAIT
NO
KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG
THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO
AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN
EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE
so he lets her go
and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind
and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps
and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over
and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is
fuck plastic surgery
the uglier you are
the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD

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