KOSHCHEI THE DEATHLESS

Today’s myth comes courtesy of this book
which is always sort of hit or miss for me
but this time
it is definitely
…both?

so to start out
lemme just transcribe the first two sentences of this story
ahem:
“In a certain country there once lived a king
and he had three sons, all of them grown up.
All of a sudden Koshchei the Deathless carried off their mother.”
Like, what the fuck, right?
There is no explanation of who Koshschei the Deathless is
apparently this is just a thing that happens in Russia sometimes
and you just have to deal with it however you can
because what are you going to do, kill him?
Dude
he’s got deathless RIGHT THERE IN HIS NAME
I wouldn’t put my money on it, is all i’m saying

but that doesn’t stop the king’s sons from getting all heroic
so first the oldest one goes out
and he disappears
then the second oldest goes out
and also disappears
and that leaves us with the youngest
Prince Ivan
and the king is like “No prince Ivan
you are too young and a dumbass to go on this crazy mission
if you die along with your brothers I will kill myself”
and Ivan is like “No you won’t dad
you and I both know that you don’t give a shit about me
cya”

but despite the fact that Ivan is a prince
he seems not to have a horse
in fact, if I’m reading this story right
every horse he touches turns to liquid
and that’s great if you want a lot of horse liquid all over
like for a smoothie
but it’s not great if your intention is to actually ride a horse
so that’s when an old woman shows up like DUDE
I CAN GET YOU A HORSE
FOLLOW ME TO THIS MOUNTAIN
PUNCH THE TOP OFF THIS MOUNTAIN
RIP THESE TWELVE PADLOCKS OFF THIS IRON DOOR
THERE’S YOUR HORSE
DEEP UNDERGROUND
WAITING
WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER
FOR A HERO TO COME AND CLAIM HIM
and you know what?
she’s right
I know that sounded like the kind of thing a crazy person would say
but honestly, so does this whole story
in fact the more I think about it
the more convinced I am
that this old woman in this story is actually some kind of authorial insertion
and the whole thing is a ploy by her
to get people to listen to all the crazy shit she says

Anyway now Ivan has a great horse
so he rides over to a mountain
and meets up with his brothers
and they – WAAAAAAIT A SECOND
I thought his brothers disappeared without a trace
how the fuck were they so easy to find
and not in prison or anything
are you telling me these dudes have just been hanging out
for like SEVERAL YEARS
avoiding the kingdom for no good reason
getting lapdances from impoverished peasants
totally avoiding the responsibilities of – Okay I get it know

But now that Ivan’s found them
they have to at least pretend to be looking for their mom
so they all ride towards Koshchei’s place
because apparently everyone knows where that is
and they come up to a boulder
that weighs FIFTY POODS
yeah no I didn’t misspell “pounds” just now
there is a thing in russia called a pood
and they use it to weigh other things
I’m not sure how much it is
but probably no more than half a bloof
or like a dozen glurfs
anyway it can’t be much
because Ivan just picks it up and chucks it at a mountain
and apparently that’s what you have to do to advance
because then a ladder appears on the cliff in front of them
rendering his brand new horse TOTALLY WORTHLESS

so Ivan climbs the ladder
and when his filthy whoremongering bros don’t follow him
he’s like “okay guys”
and he bleeds in a cup
and he’s like “if this blood turns black it means i’m dead”
then he goes up the cliff
and into the crib of KOSHCHEI THE DEATHLESS

so first he finds a house
with a hot chick inside
and the hot chick is like “dude do you know who you’re dealing with?
this is Koshchei the Deathless we’re talking about
he is not the most mortal of dudes
tell you what
if you can lift this sword he left here
which weighs, like, a million poods
i’ll believe you have what it takes to kill this guy
and Ivan lifts that poody sword no problem
and the hot chick lets him pass.
Man, it’s a good thing that the only skill required on this quest is lifting
i shudder to think what might happen if someone asked Ivan to do math
or ballet
or tell them what the fuck a pood is

so the next house Ivan finds happens to have his mom inside
but it also has Koshchei the Deathless inside
boning his mom
and as soon as Ivan gets close
Koshchei is like FEE FIE FOE FOOD
I SMELL THE BONES OF A RUSSIAN DUDE
I STEAL WOMEN ALL THE TIME
BUT I ALSO BURGLE BRITISH RHYMES
and Ivan’s mom is like “shh dude chill out
you’ve been flying around russia all day stealing women
also I am russian
also you are russian and we live in russia
it is not unusual for you to smell something russian
just finish balling me real fast
so we can have some suspicious post-coital pillow-talk”
and Koschei is fine with that

so Ivan is hiding and listening to them be all nasty
but then they finish up and Ivan’s mom is like
“Koshchei the Deathless
where do you keep all your death that you apparently don’t have?”
and Koshchei is like “What a sensible question
I will honor it with an equally sensible answer:
my death is inside an egg
inside a duck
inside a rabbit
inside a box
under an oak tree
somewhere in … Russia maybe?
and Ivan is like “YESSSS
WITH THOSE INCREDIBLY PRECISE DIRECTIONS HOW CAN I GO WRONG”

so Ivan starts walking
and apparently this was back in the olden days
when russia was just a 2-d sidescroller
so he pretty much just has to go in a straight line to find this tree
but on the way he gets hungry
and he’s about to punch a wolf in the throat and take its meat
when its mom is like “NO DON’T KILL MY SON
I WILL TOTALLY OWE YOU ONE”
and Ivan is like “HOLY SHIT A TALKING WOLF”
and he just keeps walking
until he sees a crow
and he gets ready to shoot it down
when its mom is like “NO NO NO HEY”
and Ivan is like “AHHHH DOES EVERYTHING AROUND HERE TALK?”
and then he goes to catch a fish
and the fish is like “YES. SO DON’T KILL ME.”
then it turns into a bridge and Ivan is like “Wow
I must be hungrier than I thought.”

But Ivan’s doubts about his sanity do not stop him from crossing the fish-bridge
which leads directly to that oak tree Koshchei mentioned
and then he opens up the box under the tree
and a rabbit pops out and runs away
and Ivan is like “fuuuuuuuuck
I can’t catch that”
but then it’s okay
because that wolf he killed catches it for him
and Ivan cuts it open
and a DUCK FLIES OUT AND GETS AWAY
but it’s okay, because a flock of crows goes all Hitchcock on its ass
and brings it back to Ivan
who slices open the duck
gets the egg
and gets the FUCK out of that crazy talking animal forest.

Meanwhile Koshchei the Deathless is getting ready for round 2 with Ivan’s mom
when Ivan busts in like HAHAHA
I HAVE AN EGG FULL OF DEATH AND I’M GOOD AT LIFTING
PREPARE TO DIE
then he cracks the egg
and Koshchei dies
totally ruining his image
and then Ivan takes his mom and the hot chick and they leave

But that’s not all my friends
because it turns out that Ivan’s lazy whoremongering brothers
are also HUGE ASSHOLES
so when the hot chick sends Ivan back to her place
to get her shoes and her ring and her gown
the brothers tear down the cliff-ladder
and take all the ladies hostage
and then they go home like “Hey dad
pretty crazy how we saved your wife and found a hot chick
and Ivan is dead and we don’t know anything about it”
and the king is like “Yes
Pret-ty crazy”

Meanwhile Ivan appears to have discovered the Village People
possibly by fingerfucking the ring he took from the hot chick’s house
and they use their manly arms to carry him off the mountain
and then he goes back to his kingdom
and shacks up with this old lady to plot his revenge
cause Ivan’s oldest brother has called finders keepers on the hot chick
and one of the prerequisites to being hot in olde russia
is that you don’t get to make decisions about your body
so all Hotness can do is stall
and the way she is stalling
is by demanding that someone bring her her ring
and her shoes
and her gown
or else make her exact replicas of those things

Ivan sees this as the perfect opportunity for a very dumb plan
so what he does
is he gives the ring to the old lady
and tells her to go to the king and pretend like she made it
and only accept one ducat as payment
which doesn’t matter anyway
because ducats aren’t real money
(anything that has the word “cats” in it is not real money)
and then the next day he has her do the same thing with the robe
and then the shoes
and then Hotness is like “Well shit
guess I can’t stall anymore
time to get married”

So the marriage day rolls around
and Ivan gets all dressed up in all his finery
and manages to show up to the wedding BEFORE THE GROOM
so he gets married to the hot chick
before anyone has time to object
and then when his dad finds out what happened
he has the other brothers killed or banished or something
and everybody lives happily ever after
(or is killed or banished or something)

so the moral of the story
is that by far the safest course of action for a wandering adventurer
is to be a bodybuilder
who adheres to a strictly vegetarian diet

THE END.

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Vasalissa Has a Scary Doll

Alright my little boner bundles
today’s myth is from Russia
and I would not even know about it
if not for the tender ministrations
of sexy chef Marjoram “Garlic Love” Cuminstein
here it goes:

Okay so there’s this chick Vasalissa
she has a mom for like ten minutes
and during those ten minutes
her mom gives her a doll and she is like “yo
this doll is magical as fuck
if you feed it food
it will talk to you and solve all your problems.”
then the mom dies
because this is a fairytale and that is how they do

let’s fast forward real quick
because if you’ve read any fairytale ever
you probably know what happens next:
the dad marries some bitch with two bitchy daughters
and then proceeds to go on a ton of business trips and shit
to give the evil stepmother ample time for child abusin’
the only difference is that in this story
Vasalissa pretty much gives no fucks
because every time her stepmother gives her a shitty chore to do
the magic doll just does it instead
and whenever she gets upset and asks the doll what to do
the doll is just like “whatever bitch
just go to sleep”
and then she does and she feels great

So basically Vasalissa spends years literally doing nothing but sleeping
well
sleeping and stuffing food into a doll’s mouth
and then finally her dad goes away on the ULTIMATE BUSINESS TRIP
and her stepmother is like “yo
Vasalissa
it looks like your dad abandoned us
he stopped sending us money and stuff
TIME TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS”
except that what is really happening
is that the stepmother is hiding all the money and the letters
that the dad is writing
and she really just wants to move because all the neighbors hate her
because she sucks
honestly, though
this seems like a pretty dumb decision to me
because if they go live in the middle of the woods
how is the evil stepmother gonna get at all the money the dad sends home?
i do not think they had mail forwarding in ancient sad-ass russia
seems like this crazy jerk lady is just screwing herself out of free money
but whatever

so anyway, now they’re out in the middle of the woods
and Vasalissa is freaking out
so she stuffs some food into her doll and she’s like “doll
what do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch, be cool
just go to sleep.”
and Vasalissa is like “wow, that makes me feel a lot better!”
and then she does.

so this goes on for a while
and when Vasalissa repeatedly fails to just die in the forest
the stepmother gets impatient and comes up with a plan
so what she does is she gets both her daughters
and puts them in a room with Vasalissa
and has them all start sewing
and then she goes around and turns off all the candles in the house
except for the one in the sewing room
and then WHOOPS
she accidentally turns off that one too
and then she’s like “OH NO
VASALISSA
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO GO TO OUR NEIGHBOR TO GET SOME FIRE
BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE MATCHES IN OLD SAD-ASS RUSSIA
too bad our closest neighbor is none other
than BABA FUCKING YAGA
THAT MEAN-ASS WITCH WITH METAL TEETH AND A BAAAD ATTITUDE”
and Vasalissa
seeing as she has spent her entire life so far pretty much consequence-free
is like “okay, that sounds cool
see you punks later”

So she goes over to Baba Yaga’s house
and on the way she gets passed by some white dude on a white horse
and all of a sudden the sun starts coming up
and then this red dude on a red horse rides by
and the sun comes all the way up!
and then when she finally gets to Baba Yaga’s house
(which is a constantly spinning penthouse on chicken legs
surrounded by a fence made of skulls, hands, teeth and fire)
this black dude on a black horse rides by her
and jumps over the fence
and DISAPPEARS
and then it is night time
and then Baba Yaga finally shows up
riding her magic mixing bowl
by jamming her mixing rod into it over and over again
in a totally nonsexual way
and covering her tracks with a broom
even though logically she shouldn’t be making any tracks
because her mixing bowl FUCKING FLIES
but whatever

so Baba Yaga rolls up and she sees Vasalissa
and she’s like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”
and Vasalissa is like “I’m Vasalissa and I need some matches or something”
and Baba Yaga is like “Well I don’t have matches
this being old sad-ass russia
but what I DO have are skulls full of fire
would you like a skull full of fire?”
and Vasalissa is like “uh yes please
that sounds totally rad”
and Baba Yaga is like “TOO BAD.
You know what you get instead?
You get to do INFINITE CHORES FOR ME
and if you fuck even one chore up
I WILL EAT YOU
RAAAAAAA”
and Vasalissa is like “ok, sounds good to me”

But actually Vasalissa is freaking the fuck out
so she finds some scraps from Baba Yaga’s massive dinner
and she feeds them to the doll like “what the fuck do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch,
chill.
Go to sleep.”
And Vasalissa is like “Oh man that makes me feel much better”
and then she goes to sleep.
Is it just me, or could this doll have been easily replaced by some Vicodin?

Anyway, in the morning Baba Yaga gives Vasalissa a ton of chores
and then leaves
and then the doll does all the chores like a boss
other than the cooking
because I guess if the doll could cook for itself
then it could eat the food
and ask itself questions
and then it would tell itself to just shut the fuck up and go to sleep
and then it wouldn’t be much use to anybody.
BUT WHATEVER
Baba Yaga comes back and is pretty disappointed that she can’t eat the girl
which is pretty dumb, because she totally can eat the girl
I mean the girl is right fucking there
trapped inside her fence of death and fire
and Baba Yaga has a whole mouth full of METAL TEETH
so really she can eat anything she wants
she could eat the fucking fence if she felt like it
and she’s stuck trying to get Vasalissa on a technicality?
what the balls.
I guess I shouldn’t complain though
because this is good news for Vasalissa
it means she gets to spend even ANOTHER day in the house
doing MORE CHORES
(which the doll does for her)
and then Baba Yaga comes home again and is like “DAMMIT
NOW ALL MY HOUSEWORK IS DONE AND I DON’T GET TO EAT CHILDREN.”
A common problem, I’m told.

Oh yeah, and while this is all going on
those different colored horsemen keep showing up
the white dude shows up in the morning
the red dude shows up at sunrise
and the black dude shows up at nightfall
and so on the second night
when Baba Yaga is eating her massive dinner
Vasalissa is like “Hey can I ask you some questions?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Sure
just be forewarned
sometimes I randomly kill people who ask me questions.”
and Vasalissa is like “Okay, that’s cool. So who’s that white dude on the horse?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the morning. He works for me.”
and Vasalissa is like “What about the red dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the dawn. He is also an employee of mine.”
and Vasalissa is like “And the black dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Are you seriously not seeing a pattern here?
Like, come on
your wilful ignorance is making me really want to randomly kill you for no reason”
and Vasalissa is like “Uh, No further questions!”
and Baba Yaga is like “DAMN RIGHT
Now I get to ask YOU a question:
how come you were able to do all those chores I made you do?”
and Vasalissa is like “Oh, I have this magic doll that my mother blessed.”
and Baba Yaga is like “Oh shit, why didn’t you say so?
I am totally allergic to blessings
so I need you to get out of my house immediately.
Here, have a skull full of fire!”

So Vasalissa runs home with the fire skull
and when she gets home it turns out that her step-family really sucks at fire
like they haven’t been able to light a single goddamn candle
the whole time Vasalissa’s been gone
so they’ve basically been starving to death because of the mom’s amazing plan
and then it gets even better
because as soon as Vasalissa brings the skull into the house
it runs around and sets everyone on fire
(except vasalissa and her doll)
and then Vasalissa just goes back home and waits for her dad to come back
and the later gets married to a king or something!

So the moral of the story
is that talking to your action figures is not just sound romantic practice
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The end.

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Drums are Good For More Than Just Funky Beats

I didn’t know they had shamans in Russia
but guess what?
THEY TOTALLY DO.
There is this tribe of dudes called the Buriat
and these dudes are pretty much DROWNING in shamans
in fact, i think i feel a story about one of them coming on right now
OH SHIT HERE IT IS

So Morgon-Kara is the first shaman of the Buriat tribes ever had
and he is EXCEEDINGLY COMPETENT
he is so competent
that he can BRING BACK THE DEAD.
That is more than competence my friends.
That is
dare I say
WITCHCRAFT?
Whatever
this dude don’t give a fuck.
He gives so few fucks
that eventually the lord of the dead actually FILES A COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM WITH GOD.
Guys
I don’t care who you are or what you are accused of
if it caused a GOD to pass your name UP THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
you are doing pretty well in my book.

So God is like “I’m about to school this chump.”
and what he does
is he takes some random dude’s soul
and stuffs it in a bottle
and then covers the opening of the bottle with his thumb
like you might do if you wanted to kill an insect and you were a big jerk
and apparently souls need oxygen
because it’s not long before the guy whose soul it is starts getting REAL SICK
so of course he calls up the resident shaman
who happens to be Morgon-Kara
because honestly
if you have a shaman who can raise the fucking dead
you are not going to mess around with any piddling imitators
this dude’s schedule must be PACKED.
I wonder how much he charges?
I wonder how much health insurance was in ancient Siberia
I wonder if shamans are covered under health insurance
because if so
why am I wasting my time with all these fucking doctors
I bet this dude could’ve just turned my erectile dysfunction into a hot chick or something

ANYWAY
Morgon-Kara comes over to this dude’s place and he’s like “alright man
lemme go ahead and take your blood pressure
your temperature
okay, okay, good…
now it is time to go on a badass adventure to find your soul so i can fix it
SEE?
SO MUCH BETTER THAN A REAL DOCTOR.
So he jumps on his GIANT MAGIC DRUM
and starts rocking out to some INCREDIBLE BEATS
these beats are so incredible
they override gravity
and the drum just starts zooming all over the place
including INTO HEAVEN where God is
and before too long
he sees God sitting up there
just choking the shit out of that dude’s soul in a bottle.
I just like the image of an all-powerful celestial authority
with nothing better to do than hold his thumb over the mouth of a beer bottle
just to prove a point about how a sassy shaman isn’t as great as he thinks.
I mean, whose side is God on?
Shouldn’t he be happy that humans have figured out a way to deal with that whole death thing?
I mean if you’re an all-powerful creator
i feel like death has got to be like
the big inksplotch you accidentally left at the corner of the canvas
the one that kinda looks like balls
and if I was god, I would probably be like SWEET
WAY TO DO MY JOB FOR ME ONCE AGAIN, HUMANS
but instead he’s got to cater to the whining of his death god
and I don’t even get why “death god” needs to be a job
that’s like if they invented a managerial position at wal-mart
called chief supervisor of punching you in the balls
it’s just not good business sense
what kind of universe is this dude running here?
where is the invisible hand of the market when you need it?
Fuck!

uh… where was i?
Oh yeah, the bottle.

So Morgon-Kara sees God busy being a jerkass
so he turns himself into a wasp
because that is ANOTHER thing he can do
and then he stings the SHIT out of God’s face
so he’s like “OW FUCK” and starts grabbing his face and letting go of the bottle
and the dude’s soul is like “AAAAA I’M FREE NOW!”
and the dude gets better
and everyone is a little unnerved to learn
that their universe is being run by a dude who not only doesn’t give a fuck about them
but also can be easily overcome by a guy pretending to be an insect
although actually
those two facts taken together kinda cancel each other out
it would probably be worse if it was just one or the other.

Anyway, then Morgon-Kara is running away on his sweet flying drum
but a flying drum is not the best implement of stealth
given that in order to make it go
you have got to rock out with the combined angular momentum of a THOUSAND COCKS COMING OUT
so god hears these shamanistic dicks flying into his ears and he’s like “MORGON-KARA
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SPECIAL FUCKING-WITH-MORTALS TIME”
and then he REALLY shows Morgon-Kara what’s what
by breaking his drum in half.

Wait
that’s it?
That’s all he can do?
He doesn’t even make the drum unusable
he cuts it in half circumference-wise
so that Morgon-Kara can still use it as a fucking drum!
This guy SUCKS!

But yeah
then morgon-kara lives happily ever after
although his beats are marginally less phat than they used to be.

So the moral of the story
is that you should always try to be good enough at your job
that it pisses off god.

THE END.

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Geese Are Jerks

this myth comes courtesy of deadly sniper/barrister
Nate “Bullseye” Lawthrower
it is about a dizzying series of mistakes

so there’s this little girl
she lives in russia
but for some reason her family is in NO WAY DESTITUTE
this feels like maybe the first russian story of any sort
where no one has to live on nothing but grim misery and stale crusts of wretchedness
but i guess stranger things have happened
FOR EXAMPLE:
one day this little girl’s parents go out for the day
they’re like goodbye daughter, we love you
make sure to keep an eye on your little brother so he doesn’t get stolen
and the little girl is like WHATEVER
and her parents are not gone THREE SECONDS
before she stows him on the front lawn and takes off running through the woods

so of course her little brother gets stolen
by GEESE
OBVIOUSLY
and the little girl comes back from her dumb idiot adventure and is like WHOA
WHERE DID MY LITTLE BRO GO
IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY GROSS NEGLIGENCE HAS CONSEQUENCES
oh wait nevermind I totally know who did this
it’s those damn thieving geese
they’ve been hanging around town lately
congregating in alleyways
leering at women
snapping their fingers and starting dance battles
these are clearly unsavory geese and OH SHIT LOOK
THERE THEY GO FLYING INTO THE FOREST RIGHT THERE
so of course she takes off after them

but seeing as she is a dumb little girl who is trying to chase GEESE
she quickly loses them in the forest
but all is not lost
because what does the little girl find
but a STOVE
a TALKING STOVE
and the girl is like oh hey stove do you know where my bro is at?
and the stove is like I WILL TELL YOU
BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT MY DELICIOUS BREAD FIRST
and the girl is like ew no
I have a gluten allergy
and the stove is like fine, suit yourself

so the girl keeps walking
and pretty soon she sees an apple tree
and since everything everywhere can talk ALL THE TIME
she’s just like hey apple tree
where the geese at?
and the apple tree is like FIRST YOU GOTTA EAT MY APPLES
and the girl is like ew no
those apples do not look farm fresh organic to me
and the tree is like what are you talking about
I am a tree in the middle of the fucking woods
and the girl is like DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YOU TREE
TREES DON’T GET TO HAVE OPINIONS
and she keeps walking

so pretty soon she comes across a river of milk
obviously
and the river of milk has banks made of pudding
seems to me like this would be a perfect time to abandon the quest for the brother
and just live in eternal bliss next to a river made of pudding
but instead the girl is like hey river
where the geese at?
and the river is like I WILL ONLY TELL YOU IF YOU EAT MY PUDDING
and the girl is like geeze
what is with all these inanimate objects begging me to eat them
is there a fetish in these woods or something?
seriously
and she keeps walking

and what does she find?
she finds a hedgehog
and she’s like hey hedgehog
where the geese at
please don’t ask me to eat you
and the hedgehog is like what?
dude the geese are like right over there
I’ll totally show you
what, did all the creepy inanimate objects try to impose their eating fetish on you?
happens all the time

so they go find where the geese went
and it turns out they went to BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
you know, the one with the chicken legs and a big ‘ol twank living inside
so the girl just rolls straight up to the house
snatches her brother
who is actually having a super good time playing with golden apples
and starts running
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

NO
because now the geese are chasing them
and the geese have already demonstrated
that they can fly faster than these dumb kids can run
so the girl and her bro are in kind of a tight spot
but luckily now is when they run headfirst into the milk river
and the girl is like QUICK, MILK RIVER
HIDE US
and the river is like ARE YOU GONNA EAT DADDY’S PUDDING?
and the girl is like SURE WHATEVER
and she eats some pudding
and the river hides them
and then they gets out and starts running again
and the geese are catching up
and they run into that apple tree
like QUICK, APPLE TREE
SAVE US FROM THESE JERKS
and the apple tree is like boy I would love to
but I have all these apples that are remaining woefully uneaten
and the girl is like FINE I WILL HUMOR YOUR APPLEJACK BULLSHIT
and she eats an apple and then the tree grows a million new branches
and protects them from the geese
but see then they need to bust out again
and keep running home
and now the geese are seriously right the fuck up on their heels
and it is at this moment
that they run smack dab into that magic talking stove
like HEY CHILDREN JUMP INSIDE ME
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU EAT THIS BREAD I MADE
and the girl is like GLUTEN ALLERGY BE DAMNED
ALSO DANGEROUS HEAT-CONDUCTING DEATH CHAMBER BE DAMNED
and she eats the bread and jumps into the stove with her bro
and the stove slams shut
conspicuously fails to roast them alive
even though everyone agrees that would be TOTALLY HILARIOUS
and also 100% justified
and then eventually the geese get bored and go home
and meanwhile the girl and her bro rush back to their house
just in time for their parents to get home
and never have to find out how worthless and incompetent their daughter is

so the moral of the story
is never turn down free food
it saves time, and protects you from angry geese

THE END.

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Prince Ivan Takes Dumb To the Next Level

Okay a couple things
first of all crossdressing shirts are now officially being made
by a dude named Vlad the Retailer
I don’t think that’s his real name
but actually if you live in LA he’ll probably stock them in his store too
(his store is called Vlad the Retailer)
then you can get them without paying shipping
and there will be a larger selection of colors
I’ll let you guys know when he actually gets them in stock
but this first batch of shirts should be ready on Tuesday

SECOND OF ALL I found a website where some dude draws shit
it’s pretty cool you guys might like it
check it out

THIRD OF ALL
HERE IS A MYTH

sweet tabasco soaked balls of the virgin mary this Ivan guy is retarded

basically ivan is the son of some Tsar or whatever
and he has 2 bros who are older than him
and his dad has a tree just COVERED in golden apples
everyone in myths seems to have these
the ancient world was just lousy with golden apples
what the fuck is the point of golden apples
i mean king midas has already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt
that you can’t eat gold
so come on

but apparently someone thinks these apples are pretty damn rad
because they are getting stolen faster than porn mags in a drugstore
(ok i’ve never actually seen porn mags in a drugstore
but i saw some kids do it in Cowboy Bebop once so it must be a thing)
and also the King thinks these apples are pretty rad
I mean obviously he does
otherwise why would he spend what i assume is a lot of money
growing and tending an inedible goldtree
so he flips the fuck out and stops eating
and then he calls his eldest son and he is like BOY
STAND BY MY APPLE TREE AND FIND OUT WHO IS STEALING MY APPLES
and the son is like sure dad whatever
so he goes and stands by the tree for HOURS
but then he gets tired
and passes out
and when he wakes up apples are gone
so he goes back to his dad like the little shit he is
and his dad is like SON WHO STOLE MY APPLES
and the kid is like man i dunno dad
I stayed awake ALL NIGHT and I didn’t see NUFFIN
I can’t offer any rational explanation for why that is because i’m actually lying
so the king figures maybe his next oldest son sucks less
so he tells him to do the same thing
and that jackass pulls the same bullshit
so the king is like UGH I’M ALL OUT OF SONS
TIME TO SCOOP UP THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL
AND USE MY IDIOT SON IVAN
so Ivan goes to watch the tree
and he is SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT KEEPING WATCH
he is so serious
that when he gets tired
he rubs some ice cold dew on his face
and maybe does a little meth
or whatever the russian version of meth is
vodka?
anyway he stays up all night and at like 4AM this fucking firebird shows up
no one ever explains what the firebird is
other than some piece of shit parakeet
that likes to get its grub on with the king’s apples
so i guess i take back what i said
apparently those apples are edible?
but so seeing as first of all it can fly
and second of all it’s made of FIRE
Ivan can’t really catch the bird
but he does manage to get one of its tailfeathers
and he brings that to the king like hey dad
look what my piece of shit brothers failed to figure out
and the king is like HOLY SHIT THE FIREBIRD
yeah apparently everyone knows what this thing is
this is apparently a thing people talk about all the time
but no one has any clue WHERE it is
because the next thing the king does is call all his sons together
and be like BOYS
GO GET ME SOME FIREBIRD
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO JUST GO EVERYWHERE
so everybody just gets on their horses
picks a direction
and starts riding
now correct me if I’m wrong
but don’t searches usually start with like
last known whereabouts?
for example
the tree that grows in their FUCKING BACK YARD
if it was me i might have tried hanging out and waiting for the bird there
for at least ONE NIGHT
before punching my horse in the ass to go scream at the peasantry about a fire animal
but hey i’m not in this story
and i’m pretty happy about that actually

so the next thing that happens is Ivan is riding along on his horse
and he comes to a field
and in the middle of the field
is an OBELISK OF DOOM
or really just a pillar
but the pillar is like yo
(not in words in writing)
if you go straight
you will be cold and hungry
so basically par for the course in this country
if you go left
you will live but your horse will die
if you go right
you will die but your horse will live
what the hell kind of horse fetishist picks option three?

so Ivan takes like an hour to read all this because he is none too smart
and he gets to the end and he’s like hm
fuck you horse
and he goes left
and he gets like TEN FEET
when a bigass grey wolf jumps out of nowhere
and it’s like DUDE
DIDN’T YOU READ THE SIGN
NOW I GOTTA KILL YOUR HORSE
and he fucking REAMS that horse
and then runs away
so then Ivan is walking along
getting real tired and hungry and cold
and the wolf shows up again
and it’s like aw man
I’m sorry I fucked you over dude
here how about I make it up to you
by magically solving all of your problems from now on
and Ivan is like sweet
you can start by helping me find the firebird
and the wolf is like OH MAN GOOD THING YOU RAN INTO ME
I’M THE ONLY DUDE IN THE WORLD WHO KNOWS WHERE IT IS FOR SOME REASON
FORGETTING THE FACT THAT ANYONE COULD JUST SEE IT FLYING AROUND
AND FOLLOW IT HOME
FUCK THAT LET’S GO

so Ivan hops on the wolf’s back and takes him to this castle
and he’s like alright dude
this is it
this is the place
all you gotta do is climb over the walls
the guards are asleep
which kind of defeats the purpose of guards
but yeah anyway just go inside and the bird will be in a totally unlocked cage
so just grab that bird and get the fuck out of there
just one thing though
DON’T TOUCH THE CAGE DUDE
JUST PRETEND YOU’RE PLAYING OPERATION
EXTRACTING THE SWOLLEN BIRDGLAND OR SOMETHING
so Ivan climbs over the wall
and he goes in and he grabs the bird
but here’s the thing
the cage is MADE OUT OF GOLD
and Ivan is super excited about this
i mean forget the fact that he grew up in a fucking palace
a palace where gold LITERALLY GROWS ON TREES
this cage is just TOO SHINY for his shriveled brain to deal with
so he grabs it
which sets off a buzzer
OBVIOUSLY
and then all the guards come
and the king is like DUDE
I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN YOU THE BIRD IF YOU’D ASKED
ME AND YOUR DAD ARE BUDDIES
WHICH MAKES IT EVEN WEIRDER
THAT THE WOLF IS THE ONLY DUDE WHO KNOWS WHERE THE BIRD IS
but yeah man i’m sorry I can’t just let you get away now
how about I let you off the hook
on the condition that you steal this GOLDEN MANED HORSE FOR ME
FROM SOME OTHER KING
so Ivan goes outside and explains this shit to the wolf
and the wolf is like IVAN
I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE CAGE
WHAT HAPPENED TO NOT TOUCHING THE CAGE IVAN
and Ivan is like dude I know I know
we had this plan
but then I got into the room
and the cage was so shiny
so i decided to start improvising
and the wolf is like fuck
fine
we better go get that horse then

so they go to the castle with the horse in it
and the wolf is like alright ivan
same deal as before
the guards are all asleep
the wall is like 2 feet high
the horse is totally unguarded and everything
all you gotta do
is NOT TOUCH THE BRIDLE
think you can do that?
and Ivan is like yeah yeah no problem
so he goes inside
and he gets to the horse
but that bridle is just SO SHINY
what’s he supposed to do
listen to the magic wolf who has not been wrong about anything ever so far?
FUCK THAT
he grabs the bridle
the alarm goes off
and the king shows up like DUDE
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME
ME AND YOUR DAD PLAY GOLF TOGETHER
BUT LIKE THE RUSSIAN VERSION OF GOLF
SO LIKE
VODKA?
but shit dude now i gotta come up with some quest for you
so i don’t have to behead you
your dad would be pissed at me if I beheaded you
oh i know
i’ve been meaning to rape this other king’s daughter
can you hook a brother up with another brother’s daughter?
he’s not actually my brother that was just an expression
although if he was my brother I’d still prolly fuck his daughter
chick is HOTT

so Ivan goes outside and he’s like hey wolf we gotta go do another thing
and the wolf is like IVAN
BUDDY
DO YOUR HANDS HAVE LITTLE LIKE
BAD-DECISION POWERED ELECTROMAGNETS IN THEM
JUST YANKING THEM FULL SPEED INTO WHATEVER PROBLEMS COME YOUR WAY?
and Ivan is like dude listen
sometimes a man just has to fondle a shiny bridle
it’s not my fault this was one of those sometimes
and the wolf is like FUCK
FINE
LET’S GO GET THIS PRINCESS OR WHATEVER

so they go to the castle where the princess is
and the wolf is like alright
all the guards are asleep
the princess’s door is open
and she is already tied up in a shopping cart for ease of transport and
god dammit
you know what
fuck this
you just get as far away from here as possible
I’ll go get the princess myself and catch up with you
how about that
and Ivan is like what’s that I didn’t hear you
I found some poison ivy
and I was eating it so i wouldn’t accidentally step on it later
and the wolf is like KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING BUDDY

so the wolf kidnaps the princess
without ANY PROBLEMS
and then he catches up with Ivan
and Ivan gets on his back
but then Ivan seems pretty bummed out
and the wolf is like what’s wrong
and Ivan’s like I was just thinking
I really wanna bone this princess
but we gotta exchange her for a horse
I’ve already demonstrated that I don’t give a fuck about horses
so this is a really bad trade in my estimation
and the wolf is like don’t worry I got this covered
go hide the princess
then I will turn into the princess
and we will exchange me for the horse
and Ivan is like ok
so he hides the princess
who by the way does not express a SINGLE OPINION IN THIS ENTIRE STORY
pretty sure she doesn’t even say words
or like grunt
not actually sure she’s a person
but whatever apparently she’s hot
and then he exchanges the shapeshifting wolf for the horse
and rides away with the princess
and then the king goes to fuck the wolf
but then it’s not a princess it’s a wolf
and he’s like AHHHHH
NO ONE TOLD ME THE PRINCESS WAS A WEREWOLF
FUUUUUUCK
and then the wolf runs away and hooks up with Ivan again
I’m not sure why
all that happens when he hangs out with Ivan is Ivan fucks up and the wolf fixes it
like I feel like he’s already paid back Ivan for the horse he ate
and he didn’t even owe him that much
considering Ivan willingly rode his horse down a road that said YOUR HORSE WILL DIE
but anyway Ivan is riding along with the wolf and the princess and the horse
and he seems pretty bummed
and the wolf is like what’s up
and Ivan is like well I don’t really like it when my actions have consequences
so is there anyway you could make me not have to give the other king this horse?
and the wolf is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so the wolf turns into the horse
and Ivan hides the horse and the princess
and then gives the wolf to the king
and the king gives Ivan the firebird
and then goes to fuck his horse
but it’s not a horse it’s a wolf
and he’s like OH FUCK
NO ONE TOLD ME THIS HORSE WAS A WEREWOLF
AAAAA
and the wolf books it back to Ivan and they all ride away and it’s great

So Ivan is like gee, thanks wolf
and the wolf is like THIS IS AS FAR AS I GO
however I am going to end up bailing you out one more time
and Ivan is like yeah whatever
so then he rides a little ways and passes out under a tree
at which point his two shitty bros ride by
and they’re like oh snap Ivan has pretty much everything ever

let’s kill him and take it all
so they do
and that would have made an awesome ending for the story
BUT NOOOOOOO
the wolf has to show up again
and hold a blackbird’s baby hostage until it brings him magic water
or really just regular water and fizzy water
and he uses those things to bring Ivan back to life
and Ivan doesn’t even realize he was dead
but then the wolf catches up with the shitty bros and murders them
and Ivan regains all his stuff/women
and then goes home to his dad and is like yeah
so a wolf ate my horse and then i stole a bunch of shit and then my bros killed me
but it’s ok because a wolf ate them and I got the firebird and a horse and a woman
and the king is like I’m sad for a while
BUT NOW I’M OVER IT BECAUSE MY SON IS GETTING MARRIED
TO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF A WOMAN WITH NO OPINIONS

so the moral of the story
is mistakes don’t have consequences
that’s what magic wolves are for

THE END

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Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

So as those of you with eyes and attention spans may already know
we just got finished with a video retelling of the book of Exodus
next up is gonna be Dante’s Inferno
but there’s gonna have to be a little lag time unfortunately
because I am still incapable of speech
and I don’t have access to Dante Alighieri’s agents
so i can’t get him to do it
and then … it’s not set in stone yet
but it looks like I’m going to be doing Candide after that
assuming people give me a little more money
(which you guys are actually doing at a pretty alarming rate
so good job)
anyway you should make sure to check out the site on valentine’s day
cause i have something special planned
oh also today’s myth was suggested
by international crimefighter KIRI JUSTICE

Alright so there’s this chick Natasha right

She lives in bumfuck nowhere Russia
Which is where most people in Russia seem to live
Just judging by the stories I’ve heard
Not a whole lot of actual PLACES in Russia it seems like
Anyway this chick lives with her dad
And they’re doing pretty ok
Some serious father-daughter bonding shit going on
Seeing as Natasha’s mom is DEAD
It is all extremely fucking heartwearming

UNTIL ONE DAY THIS FATHER UP AND MARRIES SOME NEW CHICK
My friends
What is it about stepmothers
And being the worst ever?
It seems like pretty much a prerequisite for being a stepmother
Is that you have to suck pretty much as hard as possible
At all times
Is there like
a training course?
When widowed dudes are looking to get remarried
Is it like adopting a kid
Where you have to contact the stepmother agency
And they dispatch a wretched bitch to ruin the lives of your children?
ADDITIONALLY
what is this father
some kind of ultimate retard?
doesn’t he know about stepmothers?
and even if for some reason we excuse him for THAT lack of foresight
i guess this chick must have mastered the seven deadly vagina tricks
because he is COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE SHIT
THAT HIS DAUGHTER JUSTIFIABLY SAYS ABOUT THIS EVIL BITCH
like how the stepmother has decided oh
yeah
my stepdaughter doesn’t get to eat human food now
just breadcrusts and distilled sadness ichor
and she has to do all the cooking and cleaning
and must be beaten constantly because she is the cause of all our problems
GUYS
WHAT PROBLEMS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE SUFFERING FROM PROBLEMS
IS THE DAUGHTER WHO IS BEING BLAMED FOR THEM
THIS RUSE IS SO TRANSPARENT
THAT IF SOMEONE WORE IT TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS
THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE FUCKING SCANDAL ALL OVER THE PLACE
and meanwhile the father is like durr uh sure
abuse my daugher as much as you want
just as long as where your vagina ends up at the end of the day
is on my penis

so this continues for a while
until the stepmother decides to try and push her luck
ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OFF A CLIFF
she’s like hm abusing this young child is nice and all
but what would be even sweeter
is if she was DEAD
OH LITTLE CHILD
and natasha shows up like what the fuck do you want now
and the stepmother is like i want you to go see my sister
you know
THE CHILD-EATING WITCH BABA YAGA
I need a needle and thread and I hear she has one of those
and natasha is like seriously?
there is a needle and thread right here
and the stepmother is like DON’T FUCK WITH ME GO DIE
and natasha is like shit ok i guess
and she packs up some like moldy bread and scraps of meat and cheese
in a handkerchief
and she sets off into the forest
to go get eaten

so after following her stepmothers’ shitty magical directions
for HOURS
Natasha finally arrives at Baba Yaga’s house
which
by the way
HAS LEGS
CHICKEN LEGS
and walks around the yard
kind of being imposing
so Natasha goes up to the gate
and she opens it
and it’s SUPER SQUEAKY
but luckily there is some oil right there
and so natasha fixes that problem
and then she gets into the yard
and one of Baba Yaga’s servants is crying her face off
and natasha is like good thing I have this handkerchief
so she takes all her food out of the handkerchief
and gives the sadrag to the servant
who is like oh snap thanks
and then there’s a dog
chewing on a shitty worthless bone
and natasha is like WELP I’VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY HALF MY POSESSIONS
MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS DOG SOME MEAT
and the dog seems pretty happy with this

so then Natasha finally gets into the actual house
somehow
the story does not say how she manages to board a mobile chickenhouse
but anyway she does
and there’s Baba Yaga
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
anyway Baba Yaga is like what up bitch
and Natasha is like my shitty stepmother wants a needle and thread
and Baba Yaga is like oh you mean she wants me to eat you
I understand
just wait here for a second while I prepare to eat you
you can work the loom in the meantime
in fact you fucking better or I will dispense with this entire charade
and just eat you immediately
and Natasha is like sure i guess
and she starts weaving
HONESTLY WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER GOING TO BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
WHY NOT GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND JUST CHILL FOR A WHILE
AND THEN COME BACK HOME LIKE BOY
THAT SURE WAS SCARY
WHAT’S HER STEPMOTHER GONNA DO THEN?
EAT HER?
anyway Natasha is weaving

so Baba Yaga goes to her servant like hey
make a super hot bath for this chick
SO I CAN BOIL HER IN IT
and the servant is not too jazzed about this
so she proceeds to fill the bathtup
using a fucking sieve
such that she is making very little progress at all
and meanwhile natasha is still weaving
and she sees a cat
just staring at this fucking mousehole
and she is like shit that cat must really want to murder a mouse
good thing I have all this shitty cheese
so she gives the cheese to the cat
and the cat just eats it
i guess the cat was not very intent on killing any mice
and then the cat is like thanks girl
and instead of being like HOLY FUCK A TALKING CAT
Natasha acts like this is a thing cats normally do
and is like hey cat what’s good
and the cat is like i bet you want to not get eaten huh
and Natasha is like that is a correct assessment
and the cat is like here’s what you do
you see that towel and that comb over there by the bathtub?
just grab that shit and run
and when Baba Yaga gets close to you just throw that towel behind you
and it will turn into a river
and then later throw the comb behind you
and it will turn into a forest
honestly I dunno why she keeps this shit in her house
but there it is
use it to your advantage
and natasha is like but shit
if I stop weaving
Baba Yaga will immediately know i am not here
and she’ll just fuck me up for serious
and the cat is like don’t worry i got that shit covered
I am a cat that can talk
it follows that I am also a cat that can operate a loom
and natasha is like yeah that’s about as reasonable as everything else

so the cat hops on the loom
and honestly
it is pretty shitty at looming
just tangling the fuck out of the deathbeanie
instigating some tantric motherfucking knots up in this bitch
and meanwhile Natasha jacks the towel and the comb
and gets the fuck out of the chickenhouse
and she gets to the yard
and the dog is about to just fucking rip her up
and then it’s like wait a second
you’re the chick that gave me meat earlier
it would be discourteous of me to maul you
carry on
and then she gets to the gate
which of course makes no noise at all because of the oil
and then she starts running

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SHITTY WALKING HOUSE
Baba Yaga comes out to murder Natasha
only to find that not only is Natasha not there
but her weaving project is BEYOND RUINED
and she is like dammit cat
what the fuck
and the cat is like hey bitch maybe you should try feeding me some time
and Baba Yaga is like fuck you
and servant girl why the fuck did you take so long to make the bath
and the servant girl is like maybe you should try paying me?
and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HER
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH

so at this point Baba Yaga realizes
that she can either argue with animals and inanimate objects
or fucking kill Natasha
so she gets on her magic flying mortar and pestle
which she basically operates by masturbating furiously
and takes off after Natasha
and pretty soon she catches up with her
BUT THEN NATASHA CREATES A RIVER
WHICH IS MAGIC SO BABA YAGA CAN’T CROSS IT
and baba yaga is like fuuuuuck
flies back home
gets all her cows
makes them drink the water
and then gets back on her mortar and pestle
and takes off after Natasha again
at which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FOREST
which is pretty impressive
considering i think she’s already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FOREST
and predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFOREST
so Natasha gets away
and she gets back home
and she’s like hey dad
I think you have some grounds for divorce
it’s called your wife is related to a witch
who she just tried to feed me to
oh also i mean there’s the child abuse but come on
we’re russian
we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine
and so her dad divorces ultrabitch
and he and his altruistic daughter live happily ever after
until they die during the harsh, harsh winter

so the moral of the story
is if someone tells you to go visit their evil cannibal sister
out in the middle of the forest
just stay home
otherwise you might have to be kind to animals
and who the fuck wants to do that?

The end.

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Russia Has Fucked Up Monsters

Alright guys I’m all twacked out on codiene right now
but it’s not really working
except that it is making me sleepy and retarded
so what I think is happening
is I am living in a magical kingdom
where things only have negative side effects
anyway here’s a myth suggested by this dude Ryan
let’s see if my fingers work

so there’s this fucking seminary right

(one of my favorite things about having this blog
is I get to routinely use words like fucking and seminary
IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE)
anyway there are all of these jackasses who go to school there
seriously none of them are quality people
basically the older they get
the more shitfaced they get as a matter of course
and they basically just spend most of their time
beating the shit out of each other
and stealing food from the locals
THIS IS CLASS A EDUCATION MY FRIENDS

anyway everybody’s favorite time of year
seeing as there is pretty much nothing good
about going to seminary school
is the time of year when everybody gets to go home for summer vacation
except here’s the thing
half of these dudes don’t HAVE homes
because remember
this is russia
or actually the Ukraine
where every vector of misery is EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLORED
so what they all do
is they all get together
and they start walking down the road to fuck knows where
hitting up folks along the way
and kind of just living in their houses for as long as possible
eating the maximum possible quantity of food
drinking the maximum possible quantity of booze

so after a while the procession starts to get pretty slim
you know
when all the dudes with actual CHARISMA have found places to stay
and pretty soon it is down to just these three assholes
Thomas, Khalava and Tiberius
one thing I will say for russia:
SWEET NAMES
anyway these dudes have been walking for DAYS
and they are pretty hungry and tired
and they are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no place to sleep
and it is getting pretty late
and Khalava is like alright guys i guess we should just camp here
but Thomas
who is a douchebag
is like come on dudes I gotta get my drunk on
lets find someone who we can steal booze from
and Khalava
who is also a douchebag
and also a kleptomaniac
is like sure ok

so they wander through this fucking forest for a really long time
and finally they find this janky looking house
and an old woman comes out
like get the fuck off my lawn kids
and they are like fuck no come on
are you really gonna let us like die in the woods
and the old woman is like fuck fine
one of you can sleep in the closet
one of you can sleep on the floor
and one of you can sleep in the sheep pen
and while she is saying this Khalava has already stolen some fish
and then he forgets about it
and Thomas steals the fish from Khalava
2X STEAL COMBO

so Thomas goes to sleep in the sheep pen
after devouring the fuck out of the fish he doublestole
and maybe fifteen minutes pass when the old woman waltzes in
and starts walking towards Tomas not really saying anything
and Thomas is like whoa now granny
normally I am all for some hot geriatric loving
but i just walked a very long distance today
and i don’t quite have my sexlegs under me right now
if you catch my drift
but granny is NOT CATCHING ANY OF HIS DRIFT WHATSOEVER
she just keeps walking towards him
and then he notices
HER FUCKING EYES ARE GLOWING
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and she jumps on his back
and literally rides his ass all across the countryside
like YAH TRICK YAH
for hours and hours
til he’s super tired
and he finally thinks maybe it’d be a good idea
to start shouting every exorcism he knows
DUDE WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS EARLIER
but anyway it works
and the old woman falls off his back
and then Thomas gets on HER back
and is like WHO IS THE TRICK NOW
and beats her with a stick while she runs around
until some time around dawn she falls down from exhaustion
and then turns into a beautiful woman?

so Thomas does the only sensible thing
which is run to Kiev
and never speak of this shit again
except maybe a week or two goes by
when some messenger comes
like hey dude
this hot chick showed up at her dad’s house
dying of exhaustion
she wants you to come say prayers over her for 3 days
and Thomas is like FUCK NO
and everyone is like DO IT OR GET HIT WITH STICKS
so he finally does it
he shows up at this chick’s dad’s place
and he goes to see the body
and SURPRISE SURPRISE
IT’S THE CHICK HE BEAT TO DEATH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
although honestly this is not a surprise at all
what other hot chick is gonna know this prick’s name?
anyway now he REALLY doesn’t wanna say prayers over her
but they make him do it anyway

so the first night
he’s in this old abandoned church
just him and the body
and he’s saying prayers
and suddenly the chick sits up in her coffin
like hey dude you done fucked up
and Thomas is like SHIT SHIT FUCKBALLS
and draws a magic circle of protection around himself
so she can’t get him
at which point she decides the best course of action
is to fly around the church in her coffin
trying to scare him out of the circle
i guess flying coffins are pretty scary
i’ve seen a few in my day
but they are not scary enough
to make a dude abandon his ONE VESTIGE OF SAFETY
so that is a colossal failure
but luckily for witchtits
Thomas still has to say prayers for TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS
that’s right
it’s a motherfucking PRAYERSTRAVAGANZA UP IN THIS CHURCH
so the second night
the witch gets all her demon pals together
and they ALL start flying all the fuck around the church
but here is the problem with these demons:
THEY CANNOT SEE THOMAS FOR SOME REASON
so that’s basically worthless
and Thomas manages to escape death for another night
but there is still one more night
for this chick to get this whole unholy murder thing right

so on the last night
i guess she calls in a favor with this evil gnome king
his name is Viy
or Vij
depending on who you ask
and like what time of day it is
doesn’t really matter what his name is
what matters
is he has eyelids that reach ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR
and he can see
EVERYTHING
guys
these two traits seem contradictory
but anyway
Thomas shows up at the church for the third night in a row
i mean i’m not going to sell this dude short
he TRIES to escape
but everyone is like fuck no
it is for some reason extremely important
that you say as many prayers AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE OVER THIS FUCKING BODY
so he’s more or less boned
and they haul in this droopy-lidded motherfucker
and Thomas KNOWS he shouldn’t look at it when they lift up its eyebrows
but he does it anyway
because i mean
at this point
i think he pretty much knows he’s fucked
and he sees this really gross face basically
and then Vij is like hey demons
DEMONS
the dude is right there
he’s been standing right there the whole time
what the fuck guys
can’t you see?
you know what you guys need?
droopier eyelids

so then all the demons swarm up on Thomas
and he dies of fright or whatever
and then the story ends with his shitty friends
talking about how he totally had this coming
for no better reason than that they are assholes
and that is the kind of shit assholes say
when their friends die

so the moral of the story
is if you are looking for a place to spend the night
and your only option is a woman who is clearly a witch
consider camping as an alternative
witches are really shitty hosts is what it comes down to

alright i’m going to go cry tears of blood and hate now

THE END.

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