Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

so it took me a while to get back into the silmarillion
because when i opened it up
the first sentence I read
was almost FORTY PERCENT PROPER NOUNS
no really, check it out:
“Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom”
which is really just tolkein’s way of saying
“this chick you haven’t heard of before lives with her bro Turgon in his secret base”
anyway this whole chapter is pretty much about her
so i guess we do have to use her name
I GUESS

so the problem with living in a secret base
is that in order for it to stay secret
nobody who lives in the secret base can ever ever leave
because otherwise people might figure out where it is
and Aredhel is not down with this
so she goes to Turgon like dude
I am so bored in here i’m bout to twiddle my thumbs right OFF
lemme go out and see the sons of Feanor
those dudes are certifiably crazy, it’ll be an awesome party
and Turgon is like NAH BITCH NOBODY EVER LEAVES
and Aredhel is like you’re not the boss of me
and Turgon is like ok fine but ima send some dudes with you

so Aredhel leaves the secret base with a couple dudes
and they try to take a shortcut through Thingol’s place
but Thingol is still pissed because the Noldor killed all those other elves
and stole their boats
and then ditched half their dudes
and then burned the boats they stole

so he’s like nah guys
we’re still not on speaking terms
yall best go around

so they go around
THROUGH THE HAUNTED WOODS
because there are HAUNTED WOODS
and what’s the point of having haunted woods
if people aren’t being forced to go through them all the time
so the dudes who are with Aredhel get spooked and go home
and Aredhel rides through and meets up with Feanor’s kids
is it just me
or is this a lot of effort to go through just to party with some dudes?

so Aredhel gets there
but the party can’t start yet
cause one of Feanor’s sons isn’t there yet
so she’s hanging out waiting
and as we’ve already established
this is a girl who gets bored real easy
so she starts wandering further and further from town
and finally she gets lost
in MORE HAUNTED WOODS
i swear there are more haunted woods than regular woods up in this
i don’t know where everyone gets their lumber
prolly everybody’s house is just like a 24 hour ghost party

except this haunted forest is not haunted by ghosts
it’s haunted by ONE ELF
this elf is named Eol
and he sees Aredhel riding through his hood
i mean wood
and is like DING DONG DIGGITY DAMN
I WANNA PUT MY DING DONG IN THAT DIGGITY DAME
but Eol is a kind of creeper
as anyone who lives alone in the haunted woods is apt to be
so instead of like
buying her a drink or writing her a poem or some shit
he uses his evil forest magic to guide her to his house
and then when she arrives all lost and tired
he’s like hey lady
welcome to my creepy forest castle
price of admission: one marriage
and Aredhel
who has yet to let anything force her to stay in one place
is like fuck it, why not

so they get married
and tolkein is very careful to tell us that it’s not all bad
even though Eol forces Aredhel to only go out at night
and she’s not allowed to visit the sons of Feanor
even though those are the exact dudes she came all this way to see!
girl needs to get her life under control
like for real, she’s got to set some goals and fucking stick to them
cause in the real world
behavior like this gets you a ritalin perscription

but so i guess the main proof that it’s not so bad
is that Aredhel lets Eol put a baby in her
and that baby comes out and he is ONE SEXY BABY
his name is Maeglin
and it turns out that HE is the ACTUAL point of this chapter
he has crazy eyes that let him see into people’s brains
and he looks more like his mom than his dad
which makes his dad pissed
but his dad is a pretty weird guy anyway
so no one really pays attention

it doesn’t take too long for Maeglin and Aredhel to get sick of the haunted forest
seeing as Aredhel holds the world record
for number of places she is sick of
and Maeglin is her son
so one day when Eol is out at a party somewhere else
they just peace out without warning anyone
and make a break for Turgon’s secret base
but Eol gets home early
and he’s like what the fuck where did they go
and the servants are like oh I think they went to go see Feanor’s kids
and Eol is like AW HELL NO
so he goes to Feanor’s kids
who hate him
and he’s like guys
guys where is my wife
and Feanor’s kids are like dude
she went that way
get off our fucking lawn before we make you part of it

so now Aredhel and Maeglin are running
and Eol is running after them
and they’re running and running and running
(on horses)
until they get to the mountain where the secret base is hid
and Eol is just close enough that he sees how they get in
so when they get inside he comes running after them like AAAAA GIMME MY SHIT
and Turgon is like GENTLEMEN
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
and Eol is like I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON
MY WIFE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNTED FOREST
ALSO MY SON
I WANT THEM BACK
and Turgon is like well that’s all well and good
but the problem with having a secret base is
NO ONE EVER LEAVES
so you are either going to live here forever
or die right now
and Eol, being a sensible gentleman
is like alright
and then steals someone’s spear and chucks it at his son
and Aredhel dives in front of him, secret-service style
and takes the javelin in the shoulder
and then everyone is like ok Eol
clearly you have chosen the “die right now” option

but you know who else has chosen the “die right now” option?
Aredhel
cause even though the spear only hit her in the shoulder
it was tipped with POISON
WHO POISONS THEIR SPEAR WHEN THEY’RE HANGING OUT IN A SECRET BASE?
Well i guess … the type of person who hangs out in a secret base
anyway Maeglin’s mom is dead
and they’re about to shove his dad off a cliff
and his dad is like SON:
FUCK YOU FOR NOT SAVING ME
CURSES FOREVER
and then he dies
and even though Eol was a dick
everyone still thinks Maeglin is pretty weird for not giving a shit

and Maeglin IS pretty weird
but not just for that reason
he’s weird cause he has a crush on his first cousin Idril
who lives in the secret base as well
and unlike in most mythologies
there is actually a law against that type of incest
even though if no one leaves the secret base
shit is bound to get incestuous sooner or later
still though
Idril thinks he is mad creepy
and he knows this
so he takes all the energy he would’ve spent on love
and instead spends it on being an AWESOME WARRIOR
and developing a TWISTED, EVIL HEART
all of which I’m sure will become super important later

so the moral of the story
is you should never leave your house
cause everything else is haunted woods

TO BE CONTINUED

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5 thoughts on “Maeglin’s Mom is Easily Distracted

  1. I think “24 hour ghost party” would be a great name for a band.

    Or a great subject for another t-shirt.

    Just saying…

  2. The poisoned javelin was Eol’s, he’d brought it with him just in case he needed to murder somebody for no good reason. Which did end up happening, so good thinking on his part, I guess.

  3. Pingback: The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped | Myths RETOLD

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