The War With Morgoth Is Slow As Molasses-Soaked Balls

doing this shit twice in a row
cuz I didn’t do it at all for a while
and because i stopped in the middle of a chapter
because the chapter was long
because NAMES
anyway look:

so Maedhros gets brought back to the other elves by Fingon
and he goes to all of Feanor’s old dudes
(not old as in wizened and crotchety
but old as in Feanor’s dead now
so they can’t be his dudes anymore now can they)
and Maedhros is like ok guys
I know there has been some bad blood between us
or more accurately some bad set-on-fire ships
and then some really bad death-march-through-ice-covered-wilderness
but seeing as we are camped like ten yards from Morgoth’s front door
maybe we should go back to being bros?
in the interest of that
i’m gonna go ahead and say that I am not king of the noldor
even though I’m Feanor’s oldest son
instead I think the king should be Fingolfin
you know, the guy who lead half our army through a raging shitblizzard just to get here
also have you seen Fingolfin’s hair, you guys?
dudes
there is a reason his name has the word hair in it TWICE
this bro has some luscious lady locks
some luxurious scalp-pubes
some A+ skull-fuzz, ok
and that shit is important to us because we’re elves

so but like some of Feanor’s sons are not down with this hair-based anti-nepotism
specifically this dude Caranthir
ok so
if you notice as the story goes on
that one of the elves is being a dick
you should probably assume it’s Caranthir
because he has basically taken over responsibility for being a dick
now that Feanor is dead
and it gets worse
cause now that all these Noldor are up in the North
they need a place to crash
and the best place they know is this dude Thingol’s house
you remember Thingol, right?
he’s the dude who was going to lead his army to Valinor
but was too busy getting laid to actually get on the boat

and honestly that whole thing has worked out pretty well for him so far
he has a whole kingdom of happy dudes working for him
and a hot wife
and an awesome cave fortress
except now here come all these rough and rowdy god-elves tryna take his shit

so he calls up Fingolfin and his bros
because he trusts them more for some reason
and he’s like ok guys
I know you’re family and all
technically we’re all family I think
which always makes sex really weird
but my point is
I don’t have couch space for your whole frikkin army
you gotta go out in the countryside and hang out there
because I’m not about to have you dirty western elves coming over here
takin our jobs
diddling our hot wives
none o’ that
no no no

so Fingolfin goes back to the other elves like alright guys
this kind of sucks I know
but It IS kind of rude that we just showed up and wanted to live in his house
and Caranthir recognizes that this is a good opportunity to be a dick
so he’s like NO FUCK THAT
WE SHOULD KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM AND TAKE HIS LAND
but Maedhros is like no dude shhh
don’t do that right now
do it later when it will REALLY fuck all of us over
and Caranthir is like Ok that’s fair
and then he goes and meets up with some dwarves
(cause oh yeah, the dwarves woke up)
and gets rich as fuck by trading with them
even though he is a big racist and thinks they’re gross

oh and while this is happening, Finrod and this other dude are out in the woods
and they fall asleep and Ulmo the water guy gets up in their dreams
all like DOOM DOOM DOOM GUYS
and they wake up like oh shit
we gotta build us some fortresses
but instead of letting each other know about their dreams
and maybe helping each other out
they tell each other NOTHING and TOTALLY SPLIT UP
and Finrod decides to build some sweet caves just like where Thingol lives
so he goes to thingol like yo dude do you know some caves
and Thingol is like yeah you know it
so then Finrod builds a place in some caves
and the dwarves help him
like basically for free
and on top of that they make him a powerful magical necklace
the magic makes it super light
and it always sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck

WAIT
HOLD ON
WHY IS IT THAT ALL THE MAGIC ITEMS IN MIDDLE EARTH FUCKING SUUUUUUCK
you’ve got the silmarils, right
which are basically just ultra-shiny jewels
and you’ve got this necklace
which is like the most powerful thing since forever
and all it does is refuse to flop around when you’re wearing it
let’s take a trip over to Norse mythology for a second shall we
where the least useful thing anyone has ever made
is a golden ring
that SHITS OUT IDENTICAL GOLDEN RINGS ALL THE TIME
anyway Finrod wears his pretty pretty necklace
and is pretty as fuck for however long, I don’t even care
oh also the other guy builds a fortress on a mountain
Ulmo tells him where to go eventually, because that guy was being slow

meanwhile, morgoth is doing
… nothing?
for real guys
like fifty years pass
and all Morgoth does is make ONE ATTACK that no one is expecting
and even though no one is expecting it
they totally ruin his shit
and set up a big siege around his fortress in Angband
but they can’t get in because mountains
and so hey, more peace!
except Morgoth never really stops sending out little groups of dudes for the elves to kill
he seems to love getting his dudes slaughtered
but finally he figures out that his orcs really suck at killing elves
which leads to him starting what is basically the cold war
i mean the war was pretty damn cold to start with
seeing as it takes place in the north first of all
and second of all they’ve fought like two battles in like A HUNDRED YEARS
but I just report the facts, ladies and gentlemen
and the facts are that the elves stay camped outside Angband for like another hundred years
waiting for Morgoth to invent dragons

so finally he does
but one of these dragons is way too eager
and it’s still just a little fire-breathing baby when it launches out of Angband
pissing brimstone and laughing
and Fingon stabs it a bunch and it gets sad and goes home
and everyone is like yayyy we’re saved
when what they should be saying is oh shiiit dragons
then no one fights anyone for ANOTHER 200 YEARS

so the moral of the story is
i guess you’re a lot more reluctant to fight ceaseless wars
when you have infinite lifespans
except wait, no, fuck that
the norse proved that one wrong as well

(NOT) THE END

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11 thoughts on “The War With Morgoth Is Slow As Molasses-Soaked Balls

  1. Instead of the pretty necklace that doesn’t wiggle around, I like more the shoes that never untie themselves until you want it from the hobbit or the ropes that untie when you pull them from lord of the rings. Magical items sucks in Tolkien.

  2. So he has a pretty necklace
    which is very light
    which sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck
    and you’re calling it shitty?
    dude that’s like the most gangsta bling ever

  3. I find the Silmarillion entries confusing as all hell because of all the namy names of names but totally worth it nonetheless. The part where they wait for Morgoth to invent dragonbs is priceless and so is the passage where the dreamers split!

  4. Pingback: Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool | Myths RETOLD

  5. Pingback: Beren and Luthien Write a Bad Romance | Myths RETOLD

  6. The reality is that Tolkein’s Middle Earth is a huge realm conerivg enormous time periods. There are so many stories that could be told. Sauron’s history, Morgoth’s. Numenor. The Elves, the Dwarfs, they all have their own histories and stories. There a the seeds of many epics in the narratives of the Silmarillion alone. I can’t imagine that there is nothing more to tell beyond The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings . I think it would mostly be up to the courage and determination of future Directors and Producers to tackle the task. Without a doubt Peter Jackson and his co-screenwriters could do it. There are many capable Directors like Guillermo De Toro that could definitely pull it off and to be honest, I think that Tolkein hoped that is exactly what would happen with the Epics he began.

  7. what a beautiful trutibe the spirit of Christmas, so evident in these incredible photos C & B look so adorable & you can just feel’ their excitement !!! LOVE the pic of C with her arm around B (pointing something out to him) precious children

  8. Wait, that can’t be right. This is the first time Thingol is ever mentioned on this blog! I checked! Something here got messed up.

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