The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

Okay so where were we?
Oh yeah
some chick was wandering around
sleeping with creepy goth forest dudes
and then everybody got murdered with poison spears
In other words
all the elves are busy being horny goddamn drama queens
while Morgoth is up in his hell castle amassing orcs
it’s sort of like when Alexander Great killed all those dudes that one time
by fake-attacking them every day for like six months
until finally they stopped taking it seriously and he attacked them
except instead of like six months
Morgoth has been playing this high-stakes game of I’m-not-touching you
for like FIVE HUNDRED YEARS
so naturally the elves are pretty bored
and one of the ways they try to relieve their boredom
is by going out into the forest and murdering animals

BUT HERE’S THE FUCKED UP PART:
The elves are so bored
that they even get bored
OF THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED
so one day one of them wanders away from his hunting party
(Finrod Felagund, if you like names)
and stumbles upon a bunch of HUMANS
and he’s like what the balls
who are all these pink fleshy problem machines
sitting around campfires and beatboxing all night long
they seem pretty chill, i’ma go see what’s up

so in true creeper fashion
Felagund waits until they’re all asleep
and then he goes down to the campsite
and picks up somebody’s electric guitar
and just starts jamming out SO HARD
that everybody in camp is pretty sure they’re still asleep
and jimi hendrix is just straight molesting their dreams
and Felagund isn’t just jamming
he’s also singing
he is singing what basically amounts to a recap of the story so far
so all the men are like “oh damn
so that’s what’s been going on while we’ve been busy being dumb with the dark elves”
see, these men are from the east side
and they have come to the west side, where the elves are
because they heard that this might be where valinor is at
in fact they immediately assume Felagund is one of the Valar
but Felagund is like no guys
I’m just a regular dude
except way
way
better
(stupid elf!
when someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes!)

so men are like “aww
that’s disappointing
but we’re still down to receive wisdom if you got any”
and Felagund is like “sure”
and he spends a bunch of time teaching them shit
and then other dudes show up
and a lot of them become huge elf fanboys
probably because Felagund’s “wisdom” is actually pro-elf propaganda
which means that the best aspiration a lot of humans can think of
is to go enslave themselves to the elves
the other reason they do this
is that King Thingol of the Elves
(whose main job in this story
is telling people to get off his lawn)
is like NAW
NO HUMANS IN MY CRIB
and so the only way humans can hang out in elf land
is by being servants

so they do that
and more humans keep showing up
and the humans and the elves become great pals
despite the fact that Thingol’s sort of a dick
and Morgoth is all FRIENDSHIP?!!
SHIT
so he runs over to the human city
and he transforms himself into one of the important human dudes
and he’s like GUYS
LISTEN UP:
We came to the west side looking for the gods, right?
well how many gods did we find?
THAT’S RIGHT
ONE
WHICH ONE, YOU ASK?
WHY, ONLY MORGOTH, LORD OF HATE
My friends
if you are only going to find one god
Morgoth is LITERALLY THE WORST GOD YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND
Guys, fuck this
let’s go home

so a lot of the humans are like YEAH
but then the guy who Morgoth was pretending to be shows up
and everyone’s like GREAT SPEECH DUDE
and he’s like what?
what speech?
MORGOTH!!!!
and Morgoth’s like HAHA YOU GOT ME
FUCK YOUUUUUUU
and then he runs away
(fun fact guys:
the word FUCK was the six hundred and sixty-sixth word in this myth
FIVE HUNDRED MYTHS AND I’M STILL ON TOP BABY)

so after that
a lot of the humans are understandably pissed at morgoth
but a lot of the other humans are like damn
shit is getting way to real for us up here
later, guys
and they go south and stop being a part of this story
which is probably the smartest decision anyone has made so far
and meanwhile the rest of humanity settles down
to the noble business
of choking on elf-dick for a couple centuries

so the moral of the story
is that you should start practicing some scales
cause if you solo hard enough for a bunch of humans
they will become your SLAVES

the end

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3 thoughts on “The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

  1. Hilarious as usual, Ovid. I think my favorite part is where the elf denies being one of the Valinor and you say that’s really stupid of him.

  2. Is that the end of the Simlarlililnoion?

    Regardless, thanks for summing this shit up. This, uh, history sheds new light on the Hobbit films and LoTR. I think.

    If you’re running out of insane mythology to summarize, you could do “The Children of Hurin”, then, of course, “The Hobbit” and LoTR.

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