The Grimm’s Brothers Present: THE INJUSTICE LEAGUE

So this guy gets kicked out of the army
he gets kicked out of the army because he has no talents
and they are not about to give him any talents
those shits are expensive
so instead they give him three pennies
and he’s like WHOAH

so he goes walking around try’na get an army together
for this incredibly self-serving mission of his
and pretty soon he sees a dude in the forest
who is just straight PLUCKING TREES FROM THE EARTH
and our hero goes up to this German Hercules like hey man
come join my army
we’re gonna steal the government, it’s gonna be great
and Hercules is like ok dude sure
lemme just bring these trees to my mom first
anyway he does that and they leave

pretty soon they see a dude squatting in the forest pointing a gun at nothing
normally these dudes are what are known as schizophrenics
but today is crazy bullshit day in germany
so instead this guy is a hunter SO SKILLED
that he is taking aim at a fly on a branch two miles away
to shoot out it’s fucking EYE
so our hero goes up to German Apollo like hey dude wanna help steal the government?
and Apollo is like SURE

then they meet a guy who can power windmills with his nose
and a guy whose legs have to be removed because otherwise he runs too fast
and a guy who has to keep his cap cocked at a jaunty angle or else the world turns to ice
and none of these guys really have anything going on i guess
so they decide to help this talentless asshole steal the government

so okay, you know how I keep saying this story is in germany
well i think maybe I was too quick to assume
cause when these dudes finally get to the king’s castle
he is holding a contest
where whoever beats his daughter in a footrace gets to marry her
and if they lose they get executed
i think at some point the protagonist of this story
must have stumbled upon a time portal into ancient greece
maybe right around the time he met FUCKING HERCULES

so anyway these guys have an unfair advantage in this race scenario
seeing as they have what amounts to sonic the hedgehog meets bionic man on their team
so the leader of the group goes to the king like hey
i want to marry your daughter
but i’m gonna have my servant run the race with you instead
are you telling me this army reject
has put himself in CHARGE of this group?
like he gets all the bitches and riches
while they do all the work?
man i don’t understand how this guy got kicked out of the military
seems like good officer material to me

anyway the king agrees
and the race begins
but it turns out that in addition to being inhumanly fast
this runner guy is also inhumanly lazy
so he gets halfway through the race
and then just lies down on a cow skull and goes to sleep
and the chick passes him
but then the hunter is on the roof of the castle, and he sees that shit
so he just takes out his gun and shoots the cow skull out from under the runner’s head
and the runner wakes up and stomps large quantities of ass
or I guess just one ass
the ass of the princess
there is no evidence one way or the other about the size of the princess’s ass
although i would appreciate more of that sort of evidence in my mythology

so the race is one and the deal is done
but the king is not happy about his daughter marrying some army reject
(neither is the princess for that matter
but who cares about her, right?)
so what he does is he invites all six of these crazy dudes to a feast
inside a locked iron room
with a fire underneath it
anyway the room starts getting pretty hot
but that’s when Mr. Freeze decides to spin his cap around
and everything gets nice and icy
and they all bust out of the room like THANKS FOR THE FREE FOOD DUDE

so the king is rapidly running out of schemes
and his final scheme
is just to try and buy these guys off
so he agrees to pay them as much gold as one of them can carry
in exchange for leaving him and his daughter alone
I think you know where this is going
the leader of the pack hires every tailor in the kingdom
to make him an ENORMOUS SACK
and then he gives the sack to hercules
who proceeds to walk off with the entire gold content of the kingdom
the king is none too pleased with this so he sends his army after them
at which point windmill guy blows (on) everybody in the army until they give up and go home
and everyone in the kingdom dies of starvation
and these six bastards party until they die too

so the moral of the story
is that you should never let your lack of talent
get in the way of your shameless acquisition of other people’s stuff

the end.

Another Way We Might All Die

Decided to take a break from the Silmarillion
cause I’m a little bored of it honestly and I have a feeling you are too
I’ll come back to it eventually
recently a friend of mine introduced me to a troubling myth
made more troubling by the fact that even today
there are quite a few people who believe it’s true
in some parts of the country, it is even taught in schools
yes friends
I am of course referring
to “Global Warming”

So in the beginning Prometheus brought fire to man
and it was good
(except for prometheus)
but then man made an important discovery
the discovery was this:
you don’t have to just burn little pieces of wood
you can burn like
don’t matter if it’s old tires or plastic or witches
you make a big enough fire and you can ruin ANY OBJECT with it
so obviously people get busy ruining as many things as they can
they burn down forests
so they will have more space to put fires
they burn all these dried out leaves and inhale them
so that they can see cooler shit while they stare at their fires
they even build big huge houses in the middle of their cities
so they can set coal on fire all day long
this is called the industrial revolution
and the industrial revolution is where shit finally starts to get out of hand
because what people realize in the industrial revolution
is that the more and bigger fires they can produce
the more small green pieces of paper they will be able to collect from other people
shockingly, they do not want these green pieces of paper so that they can set them on fire
these pieces of paper are called “money”
and they are one of the few things that people are strangely unwilling to set on fire
instead they do what is called “spending”
which is similar to burning, but marginally less likely to cause explosions
anyway we’re getting off topic

so all these fires have an unintended effect
this unintended effect is called “smoke”
and you would think that people would have given this more thought
seeing as they themselves had been inhaling smoke
in order to become more unproductive/dangerous
and that is basically what happens to the entire planet
when all this smoke starts flying everywhere
like, the earth pretty much just gets high as balls
and when you get high as balls (as I assume you do if you frequent this website)
you get the munchies
and what does the world eat, besides hopes and dreams?

so earth is flying through space, just munching on all the heat it can get
and meanwhile people are down on earth inventing new kinds of smoke to put in the air
they make these things called chlorofluorocarbons
which are great for spray-on deoderant and refrigerators and the apocalypse
and also nitrous oxide
which is actually also another thing you can inhale if you want to see some shit
and they even start building huge fences around ridiculously large plots of land
(which they have because they set fire to all the things that used to be there)
and they fill this land with lots and lots of big meaty fart machines called “cows”
and this whole time earth is just up there like nooo man i’m too highhhhhhhhh cut it out i’ve got the spins

here is what happens when earth gets the spins
first we get hurricaines
just all over the place all the time
and lightning and tornadoes and maybe even some more fires if we’re lucky
and then earth’s cool hat (also known as antarctica) is gonna melt right off
which is way overdue, I think
because what good is all that ice up there if I can’t put it in my vodka collins
except actually I guess all that ice was up there for a really good reason
it was up there because that is where god put the biblical flood after he was done using it
so New York is gonna drown
and everyone is going to have to find somewhere else to be busy and poor

oh and you know food?
no more of that
all the people who make the food are gonna get too sweaty and quit
or maybe die of starvation because it’s too hot to actually grow food
and that’s bad because we need food for stuff
soon after that, satan will appear riding a lava cyclone
but no one will care because we will all be busy
being dead and getting eaten by cockroaches

so the moral of the story
is that there is no end to the ridiculous shit that people will believe
unless it happens to be true
in which case good luck convincing anybody


The Cat

S’been a while
so i figured I’d dig out my copy of Grimm’s
and defeat any remaining hope/optimism you have left in your spirit
after this long and brutal winter

speaking of long and brutal winter
this myth takes place right before one
in Germany
which i think has pretty brutal winters
I was debating this with one of my friends yesterday
and we eventually decided
that neither of us know very much about germany
anyway the season is important
because this is the season a mouse and a cat decide to become roommates
right, yes
a mouse
and a CAT

now I will grant that there have been more unlikely fairytale living arrangements
but generally when i am apartment hunting
i like to make my decision based on three main requirements
1. Cheap rent
2. Easy access to public transit and grocery shopping
3. Relatively free of my natural predators
mouse has failed point three by a long shot
no kind of public transit is easy-access in old-times Germany
and i don’t care how cheap your rent is dude
but at least there’s a grocery store nearby
here’s how I know:

the first thing these two idiots decide when they move in together
is that they should get an emergency food stash
so that during the long brutal winter
the cat doesn’t uh
forget who her friends are
and the wintertime snack of choice in Germany
yep just fat
this explains things to me about german cuisine
so they buy this fat
but they don’t have a refrigerator
so they store it in the next best thing
a church
based on the foolproof logic that no one will ever steal anything from a church
so uh

about two days pass and the cat gets hungry
and instead of eating her roomate
she does the considerate thing
and decides to sneak back to the church and chew the fat
with the priest
so she can sneak past him and chew the actual fat she has hidden in the church
in order to do this she has to tell the mouse a brilliant lie
so she is like Mouse, hey
i gotta go to the church cuz uh
one of my sisters is having a baby and it’s getting baptized
i’m sposed to be the godmother or something
mouse sees nothing wrong with this
because he is a mouse and is lucky to even know how to talk

so the cat goes and eats the fat
and then comes home
and the mouse is like how was the baptism
and the cat is like good good
and the mouse is like what did they name the kid?
and the cat is like uh
and the mouse is like uh that’s a weird name
and the cat is like yeah well
they thought it would be really funny if she ever goes to mardi gras
or becomes a stripper
you know
stuff catholics do
and mouse is like oh ok that makes sense

so pretty soon the cat gets hungry again
and instead of BUYING GROCERIES
she decides to steal more fat
so she’s like uh hey mouse
my slutty sister just squirted out another baby
i gotta go watch it be named
and the mouse is like yeah yeah ok
and then when the cat comes back all fat
he’s like what was THIS one named?
and she’s like uh
and mouse is like what
that is not on the list of saint’s names I am pretty sure
and cat is like no no no you’re wrong
have you never heard of Saint Half-Gone, patron saint of dumb?
really mouse, I would think you’d be more familiar

so of course the cat gets hungry again
lies about another baptism
and goes to the church to finish off the fat
then she comes home and Mouse wants to know the kid’s name
and you would think she’d have put more thought into it this time
but nope
she’s just like “All Gone”
and Mouse is like that is DEFINITELY NOT A NAME
and Cat is like aren’t you forgetting about SIR THOMAS ALLGONE
and Mouse is like that’s Edison
Thomas Edison
and he hasn’t even been born yet
and Cat is like You mean he HADN’T been born yet
that’s why I had to go baptize him, DUH
and Mouse is like okay fine

so all that has happened
and it isn’t even winter yet
wait wait wait
okay, now it’s winter
and predictably
since neither of these animals goes to the grocery store
they run out of food pretty quick
and mouse is like okay well it’s a good thing we bought that fat
let’s go chew on it so that you don’t chew on me
and the cat is like uh
great idea!
so they go to the church
and they find the empty fat-bowl
and the mouse
(and get ready guys
this is that great part in all the grimm’s fairytales
where the evil malefactor is gruesomely punished
and the put-upon protagonist is rewarded with gold bars and blowjobs)
gets eaten by the cat.

So the original teller of this tale
at least as the brothers Grimm have recorded it
tells us that the moral of this story
is that this is just the way of the world
but I think the moral of the story is a little subtler than that
I think the moral of the story is
don’t be roommates with a storyteller
because they think this is how the world works

the end.

Men: Objectively Worse Elves

Okay so the Valar make the sun
and Melkor
oh shit I mean Morgoth
I think I’m starting to reach critical mass with all these names
pretty soon my head is just going to explode
splattering double-Ls and apostrophes all over everything)
anyway M-guy is all bummed cause it’s not so shady anymore
so obviously the Valar press their advantage, right?
they park their holy asses in Valinor and do exactly nothing
and meanwhile Humans are busy existing

it never really explains where any of the living races come from
with the exception of the dwarves
the dwarves are sleeping in a mountain though so who gives a fuck
as near as I can guess
humans were just hidden in a valley somewhere snoozing their asses off
and the first sunrise was their cue to end their infinite naptimes

the humans get a much less awesome reception than the elves did
the elves got to hang out with Valar
and go chill in valinor
and learn cool stuff and drink milk and honey and look at cool trees
actually when you really think about it
how long would you be happy just drinking milk and honey
i mean don’t get me wrong that stuff is good
but i think there’s a reason you can’t chug a gallon of milk without vomiting
plus one time I was trying to buy acid in golden gate park
and my conversation starter was to ask shady looking people
if they would rather eat nothing but milk and honey forever
or bread and water forever
and EVERYBODY said bread and water
granted they were all pretty high
but that seems like even more reason
look, whatever

the point is when the humans wake up they are on their own
there is no welcoming committee
no banners or fireworks
there is just
and they are all staring at it
because there is nobody to tell them not to
and they’re all like whoah
that looks awesome
let’s go over there

so they do
they just start wandering west
trying to walk into the sun
and on their way the most knowledgeable people they meet
are the dark elves
the ones that opted out of going to valinor back in the day
so really those guys don’t know shit either

oh and here’s the other thing
did I tell you about this before?
elves are immortal, okay
what the fuck Iluvatar
you had one perfectly good race
could’ve just copy/pasted that one
why you gotta go and make shitty dying dudes
with abandonment issues and acute heliophilia?
for anyone with any doubts about whether humans suck
right here

so yeah the elves kinda get wind of these humans wandering around
and they give them all these nasty names
like The Second-Comers
(actually good if you interpret it wrong)
the Usurpers
(No way to spin that)
and the Heavy Handed
(which is probably where all that second coming is coming from
if you know what I mean)
meanwhile Morgoth is just goin’ nuts up in the north
but Feanor will be DAMNED if he’s gonna let Morgoth be the only one going nuts
i’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of this story
is that people are terrible
not morally terrible, necessarily
just objectively terrible

the end

Philoctetes, more like PhilocTITTIES am I right

happy Saturday jerks
today you’re gonna hear a greek myth
another one of those plays by that dude Sophocles actually
because some New York lady who calls herself a classicist
is too lazy to read it herself

okay ahem


by Fake Ovid

The Time: Right between the Iliad and the Odyssey
The Place: Lemnos, aka Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck Island

ULYSSES: Yo Neoptolemus, thanks for coming with me to the middle of bumfuck nowhere on these boats we have
NEOPTOLEMUS: Yeah, why are we here again?
ULYSSES: Cause this is where Philoctetes is at
NEOPTOLEMUS: How do you know?
ULYSSES: Cause i was here with him like ten years ago
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ten years!? Why the fuck is he still here?
ULYSSES: Uh well we sort of ditched him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well that’s shitty.
ULYSSES: We had to! He stepped on a snake and it bit him
NEOPTOLEMUS: Where’s Tiresias when you need him?
ULYSSES: I know right? And then Philoctetes was all whining and complaining all night and nobody could take a nap or sacrifice to zeus or anything so we just had to leave him.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still pretty shitty, not gonna lie. So I guess we’re here to apologize?
ULYSSES: Well sort of. I mean really it’s gonna be less of an apology and more of a forced conscription into the greek army
ULYSSES: Dude listen: we have this prophet named Helenus who we stole from the Trojans. He says Troy won’t fall until we get you and Philoctetes there to make it happen.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Well I do want Troy to fall…
ULYSSES: Great! So you’ll go over and lie to Philoctetes so we can prank him onto our ship!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, what? You’re the lying guy, dude. You go do some lies.
ULYSSES: Bro he totally knows me already. Also he is not my biggest fan because of the whole abandonment thing. Point three, he is the best archer in the world and he has Hercules’s old bow so I am not going anywhere near that dude ok
NEOPTOLEMUS: Doesn’t this seem really shitty to you?
ULYSSES: You mean like when I abandoned a dude on an island because he got bit by a snake? Maybe you haven’t noticed, Neoptolemus, but I’m kind of an asshole.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, you’re right!
ULYSSES: Great, I’m glad we’re on the same page. So get on over there and start lying!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Wait, dude, what do I even say?
ULYSSES: Just tell him you’re Achilles’ son and you’re pissed cuz I took his armor instead of giving it to you like I should have.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey, that’s not even really lying!
ULYSSES: Yeah the lying part is when you tell him you’re taking him back to greece so he’ll get on the boat and then we take him to Troy instead and make him fight for us.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Still shitty, Ulysses.

Ulysses goes away. Neoptolemus approaches Philoctetes’ cave with like a hundred armed dudes.

PHILOCTETES: Whoah, who the fuck are you guys?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Just some dudes who really hate Ulysses. How bout yourself?
PHILOCTETES: Oh man what a coincidence. I hate Ulysses too!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Cool. Wanna go to greece?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Awesome, let’s go
PHILOCTETES: No wait, I’m having a siezure
CHORUS: Oh noooooooooooooo
PHILOCTETES: Quick dude hold my bow, i’m bout to black out for a minute

This happens

NEOPTOLEMUS: Shout we … should we just put him in the boat while he’s sleeping?
CHORUS: That sounds like a good i-
NEOPTOLEMUS: Shit man I’m sorry
NEOPTOLEMUS: Remember that dude we both hate?
PHILOCTETES: You mean Ulysses? You could say I remember him.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh my god I feel like such a jerk
ULYSSES: Yeah, feels good right?
NEOPTOLEMUS: Not really no
ULYSSES: That’s fine dude. I’m pretty sure we just need your bow.

Ulysses and Neoptolemus leave

CHORUS: Hey Philoctetes, how you feelin?
PHILOCTETES: Dude I have a snakebite on my foot and my sole means of survival just got jacked by the only friend I’ve made in ten years of island-bound loneliness. I feel like a million butts.
CHORUS: Well you could just go with them you know. You’d get to be a hero and shit.
PHILOCTETES: I have two words for you: FUCK


PHILOCTETES: NO. I’d rather stay here and die
CHORUS: Alright dude whatever


ULYSSES: Whoa whoa neoptolemus what are you doing
NEOPTOLEMUS: I’m going to go give this bow back to Philoctetes
ULYSSES: What, why?!
NEOPTOLEMUS: Because this is shitty and you are shitty
ULYSSES: That has literally never stopped me from doing ANYTHING
NEOPTOLEMUS: That’s sort of my point man
ULYSSES: I’m gonna stab you if you do this. I’ll totally do it. Look, my hand is on the hilt of my sword.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Oh hey what a coincidence, my hand is on the hilt of my sword
ULYSSES: Hey I just decided I don’t want to die today.

Ulysses goes back to hiding in the bushes

NEOPTOLEMUS: Hey Philoctetes I brought your bow back
PHILOCTETES: What the fuck is even happeningggggg
NEOPTOLEMUS: I fell bad so I brought it back. I still think it would be cool if you would go to Troy with us though
PHILOCTETES: You know what would be cool is if you would go fuck yourself
NEOPTOLEMUS: Alright dude, if you really want me to I’ll give you a ride back to Greece instead

Ulysses jumps out of the bushes again


Ulysses runs off yelping like a kicked puppy. Ulysses is a chump in this play.

PHILOCTETES: Alright, so are we going to greece or what?
NEOPTOLEMUS: You know, if we go to greece then the whole greek army is going to come kick my ass for betraying them.
PHILOCTETES: Yeah whatever. You have my bow.
NEOPTOLEMUS: Ok sure, but this is kind of a selfish decision you’re making buddy.

Philoctetes and Neoptolemus go to leave. Neoptolemus is surrounded by assholes.

EVERYONE: Hercules! Where the hell did you come from?

Hercules came from SPACE, where he lives. He did this because Sophocles has written himself into a corner.

HERCULES: Listen guys, I know everyone basically hates everyone else right now, but Philoctetes you seriously need to get over your shit and go win the Trojan war. You can trust me on this because I’m Space-Hercules.
PHILOCTETES: Hey, you’re right. Thanks, Space-Hercules!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that you can be a huge asshole all the time, but only if you’re Ulysses!


The Valar Fight Fire With Fire

Alright guys I’m still alive
and here is a story about hurling fruit into outer space

so the story of Feanor is making me too sad and furious
let’s not talk about that guy for a while
let’s talk about the Valar and their problems
see, Feanor told everyone the Valar were being emo little bitches up on their mountain
just moping and not doing shit about the unending mystical bowel movement Melkor is perpetrating on the world
but that’s not entirely true
yes they are moping
yes they are on a mountain
but what feanor is forgetting is that these are dudes who wear flesh like a suit
they don’t need to be doing stuff with their bodies
they straight do shit with their MINDS

so what they do is
do you remember those trees Melkor burned down?
the ones with lights all up ins?
well they garden those trees SUPER HARD
and they get exactly one more fruit from each tree
and then both the trees die
and they leave them where they are so they can be sure never to forget to mope
but now they have these two weird radiant fruits
and they’re like what do we do with all this fruit
it is probably radioactive or something
and it is like wayyy too valuable/radioactive to eat
and if we don’t do anything it’s probably going to rot or give us cancer or something

so that’s what they do
they make the gold fruit into the sun
and the silver fruit into the moon
yes all these things have special names
but guys
I am just barely hanging on as it is
do not ask me to string fake elfy syllables together on top of everything

the problem though is that these people are not magic enough
they can grow weird atomic cantaloupes
and they can preserve them forever in the sky
but they can’t for the life of them make those fuckers drive themselves
so someone has to go pilot each of these things forever.
They get this chick Arien to drive the sun
because she’s a fire spirit anyway and her eyes are fire and she’s made of fire
and they get this dude Tilion to drive the moon
because … he really likes silver
i mean he REALLY likes silver
this dude is pretty much just like
an objectively worse dwarf
who is responsible for night time
seriously he’s terrible

let me tell you why he is terrible:
they try to give this guy some very simple instructions
do not get too close to the sun
she is a fire spirit and her eyes are fire and she is made of fire
and Tilion is like OOH SHINY
and just drives his moon-boat straight up Arien’s radiant ass
which singes the moon hardcore
which is why that thing is so dark
so then they make a rule
which is like okay
only one of you can be out at a time
when you’re done for the day you get to rest underneath the horizon for a bit
and then you have to take the subway to the other side of the world
so you can rise again tomorrow
and Arien is fine with this
it is not a very hard thing to do
but Tilion cannot fucking figure it out
he’s like wait
do you mean you want me to take turns with Arien
or like
fly all over the place at random and show up fuckin whenever
and then like sometimes fly in front of the sun and black shit out
and sometimes just not show up at all
and everyone is like uhh
the first option, please
and Tilion is like OPTION TWO IT IS

so that’s why the moon basically sucks ass
obviously melkor is not happy about this whole light thing
because i guess before this everything was just pitch black?
and that’s why all the crimes have been happening?
Melkor even goes so far as to send an army to the moon to fuck shit up
but Tilion is not a worthless asshole for once in his life and he keeps shit safe
and that’s good
because dudes are going to be showing up soon
and the Valar are trying to clean everything up because the place is a MESS and that is EMBARASSING

so the moral of the story
is do not hire someone to drive a thing around for you
just because they have an unhealthy obsession with the type of thing you want them to drive
that is not a job qualification
that is a fetish



Here’s a story for you guys:
once upon a time there was a guy who was in grad school
this guy had the audacity
the bold-faced tiger-punching STUPIDITY
to take on two thesis projects due mere weeks apart
this young man found himself on a mystical journey
on which he would learn the true meaning of fatigue
and that yes, you can work twenty hours a day for a whole week
and subsist on nothing but coffee and beef jerky
as long as you don’t mind your body ragequitting while you’re trying to sew a fake moustache onto a webcam

the moral of the story
is that i feel deep down inside myself
that my eyeballs are bleeding and I need to go to bed
and so there is not going to be a myth today
and I am sorry for that

good night.

Feanor’s Arctic Roadtrip

Okay so when we talked about this shit last week
it seemed like Melkor had pretty effectively fucked everything up
but it turns out he didn’t actually fuck up everything
because if he had
then there wouldn’t be anything left over for Feanor to fuck up
and let me tell you
Feanor fucks up

so the Valinor and the Noldor elves are cleaning up after the party
and Yavanna is being all sad about how her light-trees got ate
but then she’s like holy shit wait a second
didn’t Feanor make those fancy Silmaril gems using the light of my trees?
if I got my hands on one of those gems I could totally fix these trees i bet
hey Feanor, wanna lend a sister a cup o’ gems?
and Feanor is like NAW
and Yavanna is like dang
but then it turns out it doesn’t even matter
cause right then a messenger shows up
to tell everyone that Feanor’s dad Finwe just got dead
cause Melkor and professional spiderbitch Ungoliant romped right through Feanor’s castle
and guess what else guys
they took

okay so lemme put this in perspective
let’s say you have a computer
(i do not think this is too challenging of a scenario for you to imagine)
and let’s say you are a diligent computer user
who regularly backs up all your important files onto an external hard drive
you keep your computer in your room in your house
and you keep the external hard drive in an iron room at the roots of your mountain stronghold
guarded by all the fiercest warriors in your kingdom
one day you go to a party
not because you want to party, but because it’s some kind of weird social obligation
like, it’s your friend’s boyfriend’s birthday or something
and you don’t really like him but you like your friend
and it would look really bitchy if you didn’t go
and while you are at this party
some dude and his giant spider go into your room and smash your computer
so you’re pretty bummed
but you’ve still got your external hard drive right?
nope, no
they blew that shit up too
and they killed your dad
and oh, i forgot to say
those important files you were backing up?
so naturally Feanor is not really happy with anyone at this point in this story

he’s so pissed in fact
that he decides Melkor needs a new name
he’s like “hm, melkor is pretty evil sounding and all
but what with all the darkness he’s constantly creeping around in
I think we need something a little more goth
hey, that’s it! Moregoth!
but people might mispronounce that if we leave the E in
so we better just shorten it to Morgoth”
and that is what that dude gets called forever
because Feanor has him some fucking CHARISMA

he has so much charisma in fact
that when he climbs up on top of a mountain
and starts screaming at all the elves about how they should come with him
on a suicide mission to get the Silmarils back from Morgoth
only a few of them are actually like “Fuck you and fuck your treasure”
and most of them seem to think it’s a really good idea for some reason
probably because Feanor uses all the lies he heard from Melkor back in the day
and lies are great.

Morgoth and Ungoliant are back on the north side
on the way to Morgoth’s stronghold
and Ungoliant is like yo
you said you’d give me whatever I wanted
and I’m a huge spider with magic powers so you should keep your promises to me
and Morgoth is like fuuuuck what do you want
and Ungoliant is like FEED ME GEMS
so he does
but he keeps the silmarils for himself
even though they are totally burning his hands
and Ungoliant tries to put him in some webs to get the silmarils
but then all of Morgoth’s old pals from underground come running out and set her on fire
and she leaves
and goes and lives with some other evils spiders and fucks and eats them forever
Morgoth, meanwhile, rebuilds his fortress
and puts the silmarils in a big crown on his head
even though like I said they are INCREDIBLY PAINFUL
and then he basically just sits on a chair for years and years
waiting to be thwarted
like most supervillains

Looks like he’s gonna have to wait a long time though
cause the Noldor are not off to a good start
right out of the gate they have a little schism
cuz Feanor wants to be king of all the elves
and like two-thirds of the elves want their king to be Fingolfin
by the way I looked up some of the elements of elvish names in the appendix
and it turns out fin means “hair”
so fingolfin’s name actually means “Hairgolhair”
i don’t know what “gol” means
probably “hair” though.

But even though the noldor pick different leaders
they still all think it’s a good idea
to hurl themselves into a frozen morass full of orcs and demons
mainly because they’ve all been cooped up in valinor for a long-ass time
and they want to see what the actual world looks like

Now, Feanor made everyone leave pretty fast
cause he was worried that if he gave them too long to think
they’d realize how fucking stupid this whole thing was
and in fact Manwe even sent a messenger to remind them how fucking stupid it was
which Feanor ignored obviously
but after a few days of marching towards doomtowne Feanor starts to actually think
and he’s like fuuuuck
there are a lot of us
and in order to get to Melkor’s place we’re going to need boats
and I am too impatient to actually sit and make boats
good thing there’s a whole race of elves called the Teleri
(Swimmy elves)
who have tons of boats and will totally give them to us

except it turns out that the Teleri don’t want to just give away awesome boats for free
or for money, either
it’s pretty obvious to them how grade-a stupid Feanor’s plan is
and they paid good money for those boats
so Feanor is like fine, fine, that’s cool
I’ll just murder all your boat dudes and take your boats anyway
and all the swimmy elves are like what the fuuuuuck
and while he’s doing that Fingolfin’s part of the army catches up
and they see a big fight going on
and they don’t know why it’s happening, but dudes are getting killed
so they jump in and swarm on the Teleri
and get on the boats
and then Fingolfin is like hey what was that about?
and Feanor is like boat thievery
and then everyone feels terrible

then there’s storms, and more people die
then Mandos, the hand of fate, appears on a cliff
and some of the dudes do turn back
but most of them stay
because they feel pretty shitty about killing all those Teleri
and they don’t want to go to jail for it or anything

here’s the problem though
now they’re at this awful river of ice and danger called the Helcaraxe
and there are not enough boats to get everyone across at once
even though I thought they sailed there on the boats?
I guess I’m missing something
anyway no one trusts anyone enough to let anyone else go ahead
so finally Feanor is like fuck this and just steals the boats AGAIN
he steals them from himself, basically
and he puts all the dudes who are loyal to him on the boats
and sails to the other side
and then when they get there one of his sons is like okay
so who are we sending back to pick up Fingolfin’s dudes?
and Feanor is like HAHAHA NO ONE

no one does see, of course
because it’s pure idiocy on every level
but Fingolfin’s men DO see the fires
and it’s pretty obvious to them what’s happened
so they’re like what should we do?
should we go back to Valinor and live forever in peace and delight?
and that is exactly what they decide to do

but also
that is a story for another time

moral of the story
is if you are gathering an army of your kin to enact revenge on a mortal enemy
you should plan at least far enough out in advance
to book plane tickets