So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

that last myth reminded me of this little doozy:

So this dude buys some wood
so far so good
he’s a carpenter, that’s what he do
where problems start happening is when he starts sawing that shit
and the wood is all OWW FUCK STOP THAT
and the carpenter is not a fucking sadist
so he sells it to someone who is:
GEPETTO THE HOBO
yeah this dude is so poor
that apparently the sole means of income still available to him
is puppeteering.
my friends
you know you have sunk low in this life
when your get-rich-quick scheme
is making little wooden midgets punch each other in the head

but so gepetto takes this wood home and starts whittling it
and all of a sudden this huge wooden dong starts growing out of it
and he figures that would only be useful for a certain kind of puppet show
so he quickly turns the block of wood upside down and makes that into the nose
but things soon take a turn for the worse
because when Gepetto is done whittling
what is sitting there in front of him
is a fucking FULLY SENTIENT TALKING PUPPET
like, this dude just invented Chucky
and what’s worse is that Gepetto HATES children
but that’s okay, because apparently Pinnochio hates everybody
so he immediately runs away and gets caught by the cops
probably fucking up a poodle or something because puppets don’t have souls
and then the cops turn around and arrest Gepetto for wooden child abuse
and Pinnochio is all alone in the house with all these knives and shit
and that’s when we are introduced to Pinnochio’s lovable Conscience,
Jiminy Cricket!

So pinnochio throws a hammer at him and he dies.
Then he burns his feet off in the fire to see what pain is like
then when gepetto gets out of jail he tells him he needs new feet
and also that he has decided to go to school
even though puppets can’t learn
then he pawns all his schoolbooks to see a puppet show
even though he could just look at himself in a fucking mirror for free
PINNOCHIO IS A FIRST CLASS CITIZEN IS WHAT I’M SAYING

then for some reason the puppeteer at the show gives pinnochio like 500 bucks
and this fox and this cat see him and they’re like YO
DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A CITY IN A FAR OFF LAND
CALLED IDIOT CITY
AND IF YOU BURY YOUR MONEY OUTSIDE OF IT THEN A MONEY TREE WILL GROW??
HERE, WE WILL SHOW IT TO YOU AND ON THE WAY WE WILL ROB YOU
and Pinnochio is a puppet, so he sees no problem with this

so they go traveling
and the fox and the cat try to rob him
which doesn’t work because he hides the money in his mouth
then they try to hang him
which doesn’t work because he is a puppet
and then the author realizes he’s gone like a million pages without any fairies
so this blue fairy shows up and scares off the filthy animals
and pinnochio is like “hey let’s be siblings”
because puppets have no concept of how families work
which is what makes them such efficient serial killers

so they decide to buy a house
but they need to make a down payment
so the blue fairy is like “do you have any money bro?”
and Pinnochio is like “what? no, i just got mugged”
and SPROING
it turns out that pinnochio has a secret disonesty fetish
that makes his dick-nose expand every time he fibs
man, doesn’t fib just sound like something really gross?
like man I went to take the trash out the other day
and there were these two naked hobos
just fibbin’ away at each other like a couple of scabby polecats
hm
maybe it’s only gross when it’s embedded in a really gross sentence.
ANYWAY
the blue fairy tells him to stop telling all those sexy lies
and he grudgingly obliges
and then the fair summons a flock of dick-dick birds
i mean woodpeckers
to whittle down Pinnochio’s raging lie-boner
and they buy the house and invite Gepetto to live with them

but then things are going to well, so the fox and the cat come back
and they’re like HEY PINNOCHIO DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MONEY TREE?
and he’s like YEAH
LEMME GO BURY ALL THE REST OF MY MONEY RIGHT QUICK
and then obviously those filthy animals steal it
and pinnochio goes to prison for being so stupid

but then he gets out of prison
he gives a snake a stroke and pranks the shit out of some dogs
and then goes back to his cottage
and EVERYONE IS GONE
the fairy is dead and Gepetto has been eaten by a shark
and pinnochio nearly drowns trying to follow him to his watery grave
and wakes up in a slave labor camp
where he has to work for the blue fairy
who is not only not dead apparently
and also his sister
but is now also his mother i guess?
cause that ain’t weird
and he’s so relieved that she’s not dead
that he agrees to go to school so he can become a real boy
except who the fuck is he kidding
who wants to be a real boy
when being a fake boy means you can’t be lynched
and you can burn off your feet in a fire and just buy new ones
and I assume this is why Pinnochio mainly uses his schoolbooks as projectile weapons
and then runs away to a vast carnival of sex, booze, and cigars
just like any real boy would

but then there’s some weird thing where the carnival turns him into a donkey
because fun is evil
and then he gets sold to a butcher
who tries to drown him
but then fish just eat all the donkey skin off him
and then he leaves
consequence-free, once again
all thanks to his wooden body and conspicuous lack of a soul
HONESTLY I DO NOT KNOW WHY THIS GUY WANTS TO BE A REAL BOY

so then Pinnochio is swimming in the ocean
and he manages to get himself eaten by a giant shark
which normally I wouldn’t consider an achievement
except that this happens to be the same shark who ate Gepetto
who is still living inside of it, on a giant boat which it also ate
(this, obviously, is why I was reminded of Jonah and the Whale)
and then the shark dies, obviously
of malnutrition
due to its apparent inability to digest anything it eats
coupled with an unfortunate tendency to eat things like boats
and pinnochio and Gepetto escape
and they end up working for a farmer
who has a donkey who actually used to be one of Pinnochio’s bros
back at the carnival, you know
and after long months of ceaseless labor
Pinnochio takes the 40 cents he has earned at this fucking sweatshop farm
and goes into town to buy himself maybe some food or something
but then he runs into a snail who says the blue fairy is sick and needs cash
and Pinnochio believes him
because snails are naturally trustworthy
because why would you spend like 36 hours crawling over to the corner
if you were going to fucking fib about it
so pinnochio wires her his 40 cents
and then the next morning he wakes up human
with a magic bag full of pimp clothes
and like a million dollars
because… it was time for the story to end?

so the moral of the story
is that being a soulless wooden puppet
may set you up for a life of rad adventures and zero consequences
but in the end
having a human heart
is super overrated

THE END.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
allow me to take you back
back to a time when princes roamed the earth
and shit didn’t have to make sense.
A lot of stories took place during this time
but this one is one of the dumbest
okay, let’s go:

so this chick has two sisters and a rich dad
they’re not very close though
in fact, they’re pretty estranged
so estranged
that no one remembers this chick’s name
and instead they just call her by her sole distinguishing trait
her Hotness

it’s not like Hotness is just two rad tits in a ladyskin, though
she’s got smart brains, too
and also like
a personality and shit
her sisters are not so lucky
they are ugly and everyone calls them the Bitch Twins

so naturally the Bitch Twins hate Hotness with a vengance
but she doesn’t hate anyone
cause it’s hard to hate when you’ve got such a nice rack.

but oh shit
looks like the rich dad just got a lot less rich
so now they’re living out in the country being all poor and shit
but then it’s okay because a ship full of Dad’s valuable goods is coming in
and he’s like “Alright daughters, I’m gonna go pick that stuff up
want me to buy you anything while I’m out?”
and the Bitch Twins are like “YES
EVERYTHING.”
and Hotness is like “Uh … a pretty flower?”
because it is hard to desire material riches when you have such a nice rack.

so Dad goes out to pick up his riches
but then he gets involved in a lawsuit
for running over a pedestrian on his way home
and all the goods have to go to pay for legal fees
and then he gets lost in the forest
and as we know
anyone who gets lost in a forest automatically ends up SOMEPLACE MAGIC

so Dad rolls up on this sweet sweet castle
and he goes inside and there’s a megafat feast laid out
and nobody in sight
and he’s like “Uh hello?
Scary castle ghosts?
Please remain silent to indicate that I should eat all your food.”
then he eats all the food
drinks all the booze
and passes out in the first bed he sees
then he gets eaten by scary castle ghosts.

Oh shit
no, wait
I did that thing again where I write what I wanted to happen
instead of what actually happened
what actually happens is that Dad wakes up with a brand new pimp suit
and a mug of hot chocolate absolutely free
and he is like “Gee, thanks scary castle ghosts!”
and he walks out into the garden to leave
and sees some pretty roses
and he’s like “Oh yeah
my sexy daughter totally asked for one of these
and they’re totally free anyway
YOINK”
and THIS IS WHEN PROBLEMS START HAPPENING

cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
and then he gets to fill a sack with riches and go home to say goodbye to his family
(in the original version he’s kind of sad about this actually
but fuck that
who needs daughters when you have your daughters’ weight in gold?)

so Dad gets home and he’s like Welp
I hope this rose was worth it, Hotness
cause now you get to be enslaved to a Yeti forever
and Hotness is like Aw dang
but she’s like pathologically obedient so she just deals with it
because it’s hard to think for yourself when you have such a nice rack

CUT TO INSIDE CASTLE VON YETI
There’s another sweet feast laid out
and Hotness and her dad eat it
and then the yeti shows up in a suit
all like “Okay dad, time to leave your daughter alone with a yeti”
and that’s what happens

except it turns out not to be so bad
there isn’t even any rape or anything
Hotness gets a totally legit library
and a magic mirror for spying on her sisters
and basically any other shit she can think of
and all she has to do in return
is repeatedly turn down the yeti’s marriage proposals
seriously, every night this loser shows up to dinner
like “hey Hotness
where are your standards at today?
Getting lower?”
and Hotness is like “Ooh… still pretty high actually.
Sorry …”
and he’s like “SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s cool, it’s cool.
Same time tomorrow?”
and she’s like “I want CAVIAR.”

So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
but she still kinda misses her dad
so she asks to be teleported back to her house for a week
so she can escape Creepy McUgg-Uggs and his castle
I MEAN … so she can reunite with her beloved family that sold her out to yetis
and the Yeti is like “okay that’s fine
but you better come back after a week.
just put your ring on your bedside table after that and you’ll wake up here
thanks to my nigh-omnipotent army of fairy spies and flying helper monkeys”
and Hotness is like “Yeah okay whatever”

so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
and they figure that if they’re real nice to Hotness
then she’ll stay longer than week
thus breaking her promise and leading to some yeti-induced dismemberment
and it totally works
except that then on the 10th night
Hotness goes to sleep and dreams that the yeti is dying in his garden
and she wakes up like SHIT
TELEPORTING TIME
and she puts her ring on the bedside table and wakes up in the castle

but where the fuck is the yeti?
DEAD IN THE GARDEN, THAT’S WHERE
so she runs to the garden and dumps water on his head
to bring him back to life because it’s magic water or whatever
and she’s like What the fuck happened
and he’s like Oh hey
I was so bummed that you left me that I decided to starve myself to death

OKAY GUYS
MAJOR RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG
IF HOTNESS WAS WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY
THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE ANY DOUBT FROM HER MIND

and it DOES!
because you know what they say?
they say her standards dropped 100% that day!
and she’s all “Yes, you emo mountain goblin!
Yes I’ll marry you!
Because I love you!
And also because I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing this!
Also, you’re rich!”
(Somehow I feel like Beauty and the Beast is the 1760s’ answer to Twilight)

and no sooner do these words leave her mouth
when a bunch of fireworks start going off everywhere
and then the yeti
turns into a SMOKIN’ HOT DUDE!
and he’s like CONGRATULATIONS, HOTNESS
YOU HAVE PROVED THAT TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER WORLDLY TRIFLES SUCH AS BEAUTY
YOUR REWARD IS A HOT GUY
ALSO WORLDLY RICHES
ENJOY
and then this fairy shows up and turns the Bitch Twins into statues
specifically statues that will remain conscious of their hellish torment forever
which is sort of redundant because they were already married.

So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.

THE END.

Today’s myth goes out to Thunderdome veteran
Elayne “The Pain” McClain
it is about the origin of species
or at least one specie in particular
is that the singular of species?
whatever
HERE WE GO

So in hell
(and I’m going to call it hell
because this story was made up fairly recently
and all the gods in it were made up too, I think
so I am going to call them whatever the hell I want too)
the height of animal technology
is the snake
dudes are all about snakes down there
they’ve got it all:
they’re poisonous
hard to spot
sociopathic
what’s not to love?
So they start this massive ad campaign
to get the people who don’t live in hell to start liking snakes
predictably, this does not work
because people who do not live in hell
have way better animals to choose from
THAN FUCKING SNAKES
a couple gods even go so far as to make a bet with each other
that one of them is going to make snakes popular first.

they both lose.

Let me reiterate, friends
the animal in question is not a koala
or a llama or an adorable chipmunk
the animal is FUCKING SNAKES
I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER ANIMAL
THAT CAN TURN PEOPLE TO STONE
JUST BY BEING SOMEBODY’S HAIR.

but finally this snake problem goes up the chain of command
to some really important hell-dude called
uh
let’s call him Scruffles
and Scruffles is like HM
THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT THESE SNAKES
OH SHIT I HAVE A PLAN
so what he does
is he goes all around the world and does some demographic research
about why people fucking hate snakes
the problems are these:
1 – scales are gross
2 – no one wants to be friends with something that will poison them in their sleep
3 – no legs
4 – no ears either
5 – too much tail
6 – fucking snakes. I hate snakes.

so having done this market research
Scruffles tracks down a snake and he’s like hey
how about a little elective surgery
and the snake
who has just watched Indiana Jones shoot a dozen of his pals in the face
is like “YES PLEASE.”
So Scruffles takes this snake
and gives him some ears
and puts hair on him
and some legs
and gives it a body, but leaves a good amount of tail
and he can’t take away its gleeful sociopathy
so he does the next best thing
he takes away its venom
and replaces it with RAZOR SHARP CLAWS
and suddenly everyone is all about this thing
which is
YOU GUESSED IT
a cat

so that’s why cats and snakes have pretty much the same eyes
and they’re both shitty and they don’t care if you live or die
and witches make friends with them
and if you grab a cat’s face and hold your hand over its ears
it totally looks like a hairy snake
so good luck getting that image out of your head

now I think we can all agree on the moral of this story
which is that if someone doesn’t like a thing you like
you can easily win them over
by changing that thing into a completely different thing that they like

THE END.

so there’s these two fuckin kids right
one is smart
the other is wayyyy dumb
and this story is a fairytale
so obviously it is about the dumb kid
but there are a few details you should know about the smart kid
one:
he’s a HUUUUUGE pansy
every time someone tells a ghost story or it gets cold
he is shivering and shaking all over the place
and the dumb kid
whose name is hans
is SUPER JEALOUS OF THIS FACT
probably because he is dumb
actually that is the only detail you need to know about the smart kid
now he is out of the story

okay so one day Hans’s dad is like SON GET A JOB
and Hans is like dad I will get a job
as soon as I learn to shiver and shake like my big bro
and his dad is like SON THAT IS YOUR DUMBEST STATEMENT
IN A LIFETIME OF DUMB STATEMENTS
WELL DONE
then he goes to his local minister to ask what to do about his dumb son
and the minister is like don’t worry man
I will scare the shit out of your son for you
lemme give him a job ringing bells for me

so that is what he does
and one night Hans is going up to ring the bell
at like midnight
because the assholes who run this church wanna wake everybody up all night long
and the minister has dressed up as a SPOOOOKY GHOST
and he is standing on the steps in the belltower
and Hans is like hey dude
who are you
get out of my way
and the minister doesn’t say anything because he figures that’s pretty spooky
but the problem is that you need to have an imagination to get scared by ghosts
so instead Hans just kicks him down the stairs and then gets fired

so his dad kicks him out of the house
for being worthless and injuring the local minister
he’s like son
here’s fifty bucks
get the fuck out of my house and never mention that you are my son
and Hans is like ok dad no problem
so he starts walking
and this dude walks up to him like hey dude
I bet you fifty bucks I can teach you how to shiver and shake
CLEARLY THIS GENTLEMAN HAS BEEN FOLLOWING HANS FOR A WHILE
so Hans is like uh DUH
of COURSE i want to make this stupid bet
so the dude takes him to a clearing where SEVEN DUDES HAVE BEEN HANGED
and he’s like alright man
spend the night watching these dead bodies swing back and forth
THAT’LL teach you to shiver and shake

so Hans hangs out there all night
but apparently you need an imagination to determine that hanged guys are dead
so he assumes these guys are just cold
you know
from hanging b the neck for so long
and he cuts them down and puts them all by his fire
so they catch on fire, obviously
and he gets angry at them for their poor fire skills
so then he goes and re-hangs all seven flaming corpses
and when the dude comes back in the morning to collect the 50 bucks
he’s just like uh
holy shit
and then he leaves.

So Hans gets a ride into town
and he’s in the inn, muttering about how he wants to learn to shiver and shit
and the innkeeper is like HAVE I GOT A QUEST FOR YOU:
LOOK
RIGHT HERE:
LOCAL KING SEEKS DUDE TO SLEEP FOR THREE NIGHTS IN HAUNTED CASTLE
and Hans is like HAUNTED CASTLE?
PERFECT!!!

so he goes to the king like yo king I will sleep in your castle
and the king is like seriously?
sweet!
Do you need any food or anything?
and Hans is like nah
just a carving knife, a cutting board, and a LATHE
GUYS
THIS IS WHAT A LATHE IS:

well, regardless
he goes to the castle with his big sack of useless shit
and he sits down by the fire
and all of a sudden there are all these cats all up ons
they are like hey dude
wanna play poker?
and Hans is like yeah ok
but lemme see your claws first
oh man
those are big claws
i think I’ll pass.
Then he kills them.

Uh?
Yeah.
Then he kills a bunch of other dogs and cats that show up
Killing machine.
I know.

Then the next night all these really ugly dudes come down the chimney
they come down in halves
and then knit themselves together
and then they start bowling
WITH BONES.
SOOOO SPOOKY
but hans doesn’t give a FUCK
he’s just like hey guys
would you like me to use my lathe on those skulls
sos that they roll better as balls
I have a lathe
I brought it JUST FOR THIS PURPOSE
and they are all like sure
and then he bowls with them all night
and they win a couple bucks off him
because he sucks at bowling
just like how he sucks at EVERYTHING ELSE

but he’s still got one more night to go
so what happens on the last night
is these dudes show up with a coffin
and there is a dead guy in the coffin
and as we have already established, hans does not understand death
so he starts spooning with the dead body to try and wake it up
AND IT DOES
and then it thanks him by TRYING TO STRANGLE HIM
so he re-kills it and stuffs it back in the coffin
and then some old dude shows up and challenges him to a feat of strength
which is splitting anvils in half with axes
which hans is so good at that he manages to trap the dude’s beard
inside of the anvil he split
and he won’t let him go until the dude gives him all the castle treasure
cause there is treasure in the castle, obviously
and then he gets to marry the king’s daughter
but he STILL doesn’t know how to shiver and shake

so he’s married to this princess chick
and she is SICK of him bitching about how he can’t shiver and shake
so she asks her maid what to do
and her maid is like girl
all you gotta do to get him to shiver and shake
is tell him about your lady problems
but THAT doesn’t even work
so then they come up with a last ditch plan
which is to throw a bunch of water and frogs on his naked skin while he’s asleep
and it TOTALLY WORKS
and dumbass Hans is SO PLEASED for the REST OF HIS LIFE
which is actually really short because then he gets pneumonia and dies.

so the moral of the story
is that you can pretty much just make decisions at random
and it will probably turn out great.

The end.

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT:

THEY FOUND SOME NEW FAIRYTALES
LOCKED IN SOME DUDE’S LIBRARY IN GERMANY.
AWWWWW YEAH.
Yeah apparently some dude exhaustively chronicled a whole mess of tales
but it turns out he did it in a really boring way
so everybody made a point of forgetting about his dumb book in a library
I am not going to make his mistake
I am going to tell you this story
WITH SWEARS:

So there’s this prince right?
Yeah, this story doesn’t fuck around
PRINCES: LINE ONE.
WHAT’S NEXT?
BEARS?
yes, actually.
bears.
because what happens is this prince gets lost and he stumbles into a cave
(something you should NEVER DO in fairytales)
and when he wakes up
BAM
BEARS
or actually,
just one bear
and one ugly witch
but wait
this witch is ugly
like witches be
but then in the next line it turns out she’s
actually beautiful?
what?
is this like one of those magic eye illusions
where if you stare at her tits long enough and cross your eyes she turns into jessica rabbit?
well, whatever the reason
it freaks out the prince, and he can’t stand her
but she wants to marry him, obv
because princes are choice bootay in this day and age
and he is having none of it
but she is a witch so of course he can’t leave
until one day the bear comes up to him and starts talking
WHAT
TALKING BEARS
oh yes of course.
this is not unusual
Germany used to be a really fucked up place
forget raptors, man
what if BEARS could THINK??
anyway, the bear is like “Dude,
all you gotta do
is just take that rusty nail out of the wall over there
and go out to the turnip field out there and put it under a turnip
and somehow this will net you a hot wife
and FREE ME OF WHATEVER CURSE I AM MANDATORIALLY REQUIRED TO HAVE AS A MEMBER OF THIS TALE”

so the prince has nothing to lose
he yanks that nail out the wall so hard it pretty much causes an EARTHQUAKE
this was some structural support nail or some shit
but then he just goes ahead and fucks everything up
because when he gets out to the field a monster shows up
and he’s like “AAH, A MONSTER” and he stabs himself with the nail
and somehow manages to not get tetanus
but somehow DOES manage to bleed so hard he PASSES OUT
HEMOPHELIA: ONCE AGAIN, IT IS THE ULTIMATE COCKBLOCK

so the prince wakes up with a sweet beard and no idea where he is
so he starts wandering around
which if I am remembering correctly
is exactly how he got into this city of problems to begin with
and pretty soon he runs up on a thorn bush
and being that this is ancient times and they don’t know what hemophelia is
he just grabs right onto that thorn bush and yanks off a branch
and it turns out okay, i guess, because he doesn’t start bleeding again
but then he’s got this thorn branch
and he doesn’t know what to do with it
because seriously
what is there to do with a fucking thorn branch
plus he’s sleepy and he doesn’t wanna accidentally start bleeding in his sleep
so he does the sensible thing
and just stabs it into the nearest turnip
and goes to sleep

so then in the morning he wakes up
and the thorn branch has turned into that rusty nail he impaled himself on earlier
and not only that
but instead of being stabbed into the turnip
the turnip has turned into a crazy kind of shell
with the nail inside
and all kinds of half-formed ladyfeatures on the outside.
That’s right
we are now dealing with
POD PEOPLE
OLDE GERMANY
HOW DID YOU GET POD PEOPLE

but the prince doesn’t see it that way
probably because he hasn’t seen invasion of the bodysnatchers
so he just blithely picks the nail out of the ladyshell
and brings it back to that cave he was in before
which he now magically knows how to get back to
and then he sticks the nail in the wall
LIKE A DUMBASS
and BOOM
here come the old witch and the bear
and the prince is like OLD LADY
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT HOT CHICK
SHE KID OF LOOKS LIKE A TURNIP
and the old lady is like haha you got me
I think that was actually me or something?
and the prince is like
FOOL ME ONCE:
SHAME ON BEARS
FOOL ME TWICE:
I WILL PROBABLY GET WRECKED BY BEARS
so he just pulls the nail HALFWAY out of the wall
and he sees the bear turn into a crazy half-man half-bear
and the old witch turn into a crazy half-hot-chick half-witch
which begs the question:
which half?
and then I guess the prince is satisfied that he is not being tricked?
so he pulls the nail all the way out and the old witch turns into a hot chick
and then she and the prince get married
because at the end of the day nothing but tits really matter at all.

So the moral of the story
is that stabbing people with rusty nails
is the key to a healthy relationship

THE END.

So there’s this hen

this hen has three traits:
little
red
and FUCKING INSUFFERABLE
as our story opens
she is busy finding some wheat seeds all over the ground
but instead of eating them
like hens are supposed to
she picks them up with her nonexistant opposable thumbs
and lugs them all the way back to the farm where she lives
so she can show them to her friends
her friends are as follows:
A lazy dog
a sleepy cat
and a noisy duck
in other words
animals behaving like animals are supposed to behave
and all of a sudden here comes this hen like GUYS GUYS GUYS I GOT SOME WHEAT SEEDS
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME PLANT THIS WHEAT
and the dog is like what? no.
and the cat is like how would we even do that? we are animals.
and the duck is like YOU CANNOT BE LOUDER THAN ME I AM THE NOISY DUCK.
so the hen is like FINE
I WILL PLANT IT MYSELF
and somehow she does that

so then she waits for several months for this wheat to grow
i do not know how many months specifically
i am not a farm guy
and also i think it depends on what time of year
but no matter what it is an amount of time far longer than a hen is able to conceptualize
so one day this hen is walking along and she’s like HOLY SHIT
WHEAT
GUYS
I FOUND SOME WHEAT
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME HARVEST THE WHEAT?
and the dog is like uhhhh, not it.
and the cat is like maybe try the farmer? I hear he has thumbs.
and the duck is like QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK THEY CALL ME THE NOISY DUCK

So the hen once again pulls some kind of crazy witchcraft
which allows her to harvest the wheat
and then she’s like HUFF HUFF
OKAY GUYS
I HAVE HARVESTED THE WHEAT
WHO WANTS TO HELP ME TAKE IT TO THE MILL TO GET IT GROUND INTO FLOWER
and the dog is like wow, that sounds like pretty much the worst thing I could do.
and the cat is like don’t they have trucks for that kind of shit?
and the duck is like BEING LOUD IS ALL I HAVE AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME

so the little red hen travels all across the country
trying to find a mill that will accept wheat from a crazy talking hen
and finally she finds one
pays the miller with her invisible hen-money
and then lugs the bag of flour all the way back to the farm
and she’s like OKAY, GUYS
I HAVE THE FLOUR
PEOPLE LIKE BAKING, RIGHT?
THAT IS A THING THAT PEOPLE LIKE, ISN’T IT?
SOMEBODY HELP ME MAKE THIS WHEAT INTO FUCKING BREAD ALREADY
and the dog is like I would love to except i just discovered heroin
and the cat is like I try to make a policy out of not hanging around red-hot ovens
and the duck is like HEN
IF YOU DO NOT STOP SHOUTING I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND USE IT TO MAKE A FUCKING MEGAPHONE

so the hen bakes the bread
i am not even going to theorize about how she does it
and the bread comes out of the oven all piping hot and delicious
and she is like OKAY GUYS, WHO WANTS TO HELP ME EAT THIS BREAD
and the dog doesn’t say anything because of the heroin
and the cat is like I’m not even sure i can digest bread
and the duck is like BITCH YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE
THEN I AM COMING OVER THERE AND SEWING UP YOUR FACE
and the hen is like HAHA WELL YOU DIDN’T HELP ME MAKE THE BREAD
SO NOW YOU DON’T GET TO HELP ME EAT IT EITHER
then she eats an entire loaf of bread all by herself
and probably dies because that is too much bread for a hen
and then the farmer comes out and feeds all the other animals
because they live on a FARM and that is how farms WORK

so the moral of the story
is that agriculture is for jerks

THE END.

Today’s tale was casually mentioned to me
by figure-skating femme fatale
CHRYSANTHEMUM BLADESTARR
here we go:

so there’s this king
he is terrible at hunting
because of how terrible he is, he gets lost in the woods
and he didn’t bring any GPS, so he has to use the closest fairytale equivalent:
WITCHES
so this witch is like hey king I will get you out of these woods
but first you have to promise to get YOUR wood into MY daughter
if you know what I mean
and the king is like ewwww
that is pretty much the worst way you could have said that
but I am lost in these woods and I will die otherwise
so I GUESS i will marry your incredibly hot daughter
I GUESS

so he does, and then they get out of the forest and he takes her back home
here is what everyone has forgotten, though
THE KING IS ALREADY MARRIED
HE HAS SEVEN KIDS
HE HAS SIX SONS AND A DAUGHTER
and I don’t know what the fuck he does with his old wife
but he is so scared of his new wife that he hides all of his kids in a TOWER IN THE WOODS
and the only way to find the tower is to use this magic ball of yarn he has
I guess he went through a lot of effort to prepare for something like this
he must get lost in the woods a lot

so he’s always going out to the woods to visit his kids
because he is not SUCH a terrible father
and eventually his new wife gets curious where he’s going
so she steals his magic yarn
and she goes to the tower
and all the kids think it’s their real mom, so the six brothers run out like HEYYYYY
and she’s like HEYYYY KIDS
PUT ON THESE SWEATERS I MADE YOU
THEY ARE SUPER WARM AND THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO SWANS
and the brothers are all like SQUAWK SQUAWK WE ARE SWANS NOW
and the sister is unaffected by all this
because SHE
is not a DUMBASS

so pretty soon the king shows up at the tower in the woods
and he finds that all his sons are gone
and he just has a daughter
so he abruptly stops giving a shit and never comes back to the tower ever again
and then the daughter decides that she’s going to go wander around in the woods for a while
and pretty soon she finds this abandoned-looking cottage
and out of some supernatural survival instinct, she decides to sleep UNDER the bed
maybe she is in shock
but it turns out pretty good
because not only is this house owned and operated by FIERCE BANDITS
but also this is apparently where her bros come every night
during the 15 minutes during which they are allowed to STOP BEING SWANS
so she sees them and she is like hey bros
pretty weird that you chose the robber house as your hangout of choice, but ok
any way for you guys to stop being swans permanently?
and her bros are like well it’s simple, really
you just have to not talk for six years
and during that time, you have to knit us six sweaters out of thistles
also you cannot laugh
and the sister is like DAMMIT, BUT THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS THOUGH

so her brothers leave
and she climbs up a tree and gets to work
good thing she brought her knitting needles on this aimless walk through the woods
and pretty soon a bunch of hunters show up
and they’re like hey gurl
and she doesn’t say anything, obviously
so they’re like hey gurl
hey
hey
and she still doesn’t say anything, so they keep yelling at her
until she finally takes off her gold necklace and throws it to them, hoping it will make them leave
why would it make them leave?
SHE JUST GAVE THEM GOLD
so they hang around, harassing her
until she throws her shoes at them
and then her girdle
and her underwear
she gets pretty much naked in the tree and the guys are like alright that’s enough
we’re kidnapping you now
this is too sexy for the forest.

so they bring her to their king
and their king is like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S HOT
AAAAND SHE CAN’T TALK?
WHERE DO I SIGN?
so they get married
because consent is not required for that in fairytales
but she doesn’t give a FUCK
she is just knitting those sweaters

but there is someone who does give a fuck
and that is the castle’s resident evil stepmother
seriously, this story is riddled with evil stepmothers
and this evil stepmother doesn’t like this silent chick for some reason
so what she does
is every time the king bones the sister
and the sister gets pregnant and have a baby
the stepmother sneaks in
steals the baby
kills the baby
then rubs blood all over the sister’s mouth
and then in the morning she’s like LOOK
SHE ATE THE BABY
PLEASE CONTINUE NOT SPEAKING TO INDICATE THAT YOU TOTALLY ATE THAT BABY
and the king keeps making apologies for her
but after this happens THREE TIMES
he’s like well
either my wife is actually eating these babies
or else she is a terribly neglectful mother to have let this happen three times
so either way
gotta set her on fire
everybody go get the wifeburning equipment
I’ve got a wife to burn

so now this chick has to knit with the quickness
and she does
she does a pretty good job
she finishes everything except for the last sleeve of the last sweater
and she brings them with her to the wifeburning
and then all her swanbros show up just in time to put them on
and then she can talk again so she’s like guys
I don’t know what the hell happened
but i didn’t keep my girlish figure by devouring babies
so maybe don’t burn me?
and everyone is like “that sounds reasonable”
and then they burn the stepmother instead
and everyone is happy forever
except for the one bro who has to have a swan wing for an arm forever
because his sister COULDN’T KNIT SIX SWEATERS IN SIX YEARS

so the moral of the story
is before you take a vow of silence
get a good lawyer

THE END.

Oh man you guys are gonna love this one

So there’s this king, right?
oh I’m sorry
EMPEROR
does anyone know what the difference between a king and an emperor is?
is an emperor like
slightly more evil than a king?
or is an emperor just a king who has come into some extra syllables?
the point is that Emperor sounds sweeter
but king is easier to type
KING IT IS

so anyway
this king is a real fancypants
and not just pants
fancyjackets
fancyscarves
fancygoddamneverything
this king is dressed up fancier than a pimp at mardi gras is what I’m saying
and word gets around about the fanciness of this king’s pants
and so one day these two tailors show up at the court
they are not actually tailors though
they are actually just criminals
but apparently this king is too busy putting on diamond corsets to do background checks
so these criminals just waltz right in
and they’re like hey king
we are really great super legitimate tailors
like with the clothes-making and whatnot
and we are here to make you an offer so good
it is going to make all subsequent offers sound like someone shitting DIRECTLY IN YOUR EARHOLES
the offer is this:
we are going to make you a fabric SO FINE
that only cool people can see it
and the king is like DEAR GOD YES

wait okay time out
there seems to me to be a big flaw in this plan from the very beginning
leaving aside for a moment the obvious flaw that the FABRIC IS NOT REAL
and that is
you have to assume that the majority of any given population is not cool
unless you are talking about the population Rad Al’s Cool n’ Pool Billiards
where only cool people are allowed
but my point is
that if you buy clothes that are only visible to cool people
you are going to look like a crazy naked dude about NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME
and it doesn’t matter how cool the other ten percent of people think you are
because for the average guy on the street
you are that dude who just pimp-strutted out of the 7-11 with his balls flapping in the breeze
I mean okay I guess you could pull it off with the right amount of swagger
but my friends
i do not think there is enough swagger on a whole dumptruck full of cowboys
to make a pasty fashion obsessed king look cool with his wibblies out

ANYWAY
so the king gives these rascals a big sack of gold
and a big sack of gold THREAD
which they really do succeed at turning invisible
through the time-tested magic of pawn-shops
and then after about a week of demanding more thread and whores and stuff
they finally waltz into the king’s throne room
carrying a big armful of nothing
like hey
here’s the fabric
pretty neat, huh?
and the king is like uh
um
YEAH
OH MAN IT’S SO GREAT
GOOD THING I’M SO COOL OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING AT ALL
and everyone else is like OH YES WHAT LOVELY FABRIC THAT IS
IT IS GOOD TO BE COOL OH YES IT CERTAINLY IS
and these two miscreants then proceed to fake tailor a suit for the king
and then they’re like alright dude
take off all those lame VISIBLE clothes
so we can help you put on these AMAZING NEW ONES
so the king is kind of nervous about this
but he’s also kind of a dumbass
and he’s super committed to this lie by this point
so he takes off his clothes
and they put the suit on him
and he does not find it odd that not only can he not see the clothes
but he can’t FEEL the clothes either
because they are NOT REAL CLOTHES
they are LIES
told by CRIMINALS
which is actually how I feel about a lot of clothes
especially certain kinds of bras
and also those underwears that make your junk look huge
but anyway the king is like okay great I wore the clothes
now I can go back to my regularly scheduled other clothes, right?
and everyone is like WRONG
see, you got all your subjects really hyped up about these new clothes
and now they totally wanna see them
and simultaneously find out who’s not cool enough to see them
SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE HAVING A PARADE
and the king is like oh
…good

so the whole kingdom gathers around
to watch the king wave his dick at traffic
and everyone in the crowd is like OH WOW
WHAT NICE CLOTHES THE EMPEROR HAS ON
IT’S SURE GREAT NOT BEING AN UNCOOL JACKASS
OH YES CERTAINLY
and the king is like WHY ARE ALL MY SUBJECTS COOLER THAN ME
and then this little kid pops up
which
let me just say
is a TRAVESTY
like kids are generally not very cool by default
unless they wear sunglasses and smoke cigarettes
so why would you bring your kids to go see a naked old dude ride down the street in a chariot
oh yeah
probably because it’s HILARIOUS
but anyway this one kid runs right up to the emperor and he’s like YO DUDE
YOU’RE FUCKING NAKED DUDE
and the king is like WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT
but it’s too late for censorship
the naked cat is out of the bag
and it is in heat
and that metaphor got real gross real fast
but yeah everyone starts laughing at the king
and the fake tailors are long gone
and the king has the kid executed for embarrassing him
but it could be worse
he could’ve had a boner

so the moral of the story
is always dress in layers

THE END.