Yes friends, it is silmarillion time again
I am running out of space in my brain for all these names
yesterday I tried to order tea at a coffee shop
and ended up asking for a double Elothlulien with extra Llalloc and a B’bjrggk
It’s been a tough week is what I’m saying
ANYWAY:

When last we left our heroes they were chilling in this sweet kingdom they made
as far away as divinely possible
from the firey hatefuck Melkor was laying down all over middle earth
but all good things must come to an end
and while the Valinor DO come into plenty of ends during their eons-long orgy
eventually they have to sit up and handle shit
because the elves are coming over and Middle Earth is a total mess
this is like when you keep putting off cleaning your room
and then you have a sexy guy/girl/salamander (i don’t know what you like) over for dinner
and you are like fuck shit
I need to get all these gerbil carcasses out of my carpet
how did all these gerbil carcasses even get here
I guess I didn’t notice them under all the cold pizza and fingernails I have lying around
so yeah
the Valinor have to finally clean up

They try to put it off for a while
like people keep being like Guys, guys
Melkor is basically just pooping all over that nice world we made
and his poop is like made out of lava
because of how hardcore he is
and I know lava poop eventually hardens
but it’s still poop
and it’s still lava
and that’s gross and dangerous and we should stop it
but Manwe just keeps being like GUYS
I KNOW THE ELVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OVER SOME TIME THIS AGE
BUT LIKE
…
WHATEVER
WE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER
then the elves show up and everyone is totally unprepared.

i guess I should explain how the elves get to Middle Earth
OH WAIT
CAN’T
BECAUSE TOLKIEN DOESN’T EXPLAIN EITHER
they just show up one day
totally out of nowhere
and in fact the Valar don’t even know about it until like months later
when that hunter dude Orome is riding around
and happens to run into some of them
and the elves are all like FUUUUUUCK
cause Melkor has been killing them off for a WHILE now
and like stealing their babies and turning them into orcs
and telling them Orome did it
so they’re like pretty afraid
but they aren’t super afraid because Orome is too handsome to fear

So orome goes back to the Valinor
like dudes
the elves are totally already here
we need to do something about all those gerbil carcasses Melkor’s been throwing everywhere
and the gods are all like shit you’re right
TIME FOR WAR.

The elves have no idea what’s going on by the way
one day they meet this dude Orome
and he chills with them for a bit
then all of a sudden
like a HUNDRED PISSED OFF GODS are stomping across their lawns
on their way to a war with some dude they’ve never heard of
so yeah, that happens

I mean it’s a big war and it’s super crazy and blah blah blah
Melkor has dug all these big holes in the ground
and he is in charge of one of them
and this dude named Sauron is in charge of the other one
and they put up a pretty good fight
but eventually the Valar just dump a bunch of asbestos and bees down those holes
and Melkor has to give up and get arrested
Sauron escapes though
they need him for the sequel

Okay so they drag Melkor back to orgyville
which is what I am calling the Valar’s home base cause I don’t remember the real name
and Melkor is like dudes, don’t imprison me
and Manwe is like NUP
TOTALLY IMPRISONING YOU
for THREE WHOLE AGES
then you get a parole hearing.

Okay here’s what I’m wondering
how long is an age?
Everyone’s always talking about ages
like they know exactly how long one is
but like
sometimes waiting for the bus feels like an age
and sometimes people are very young ages
like twelve or sperm
it is not a good system.

anyway they throw him in jail
then they are like fuck
we can’t have the elves just wandering around in middle earth
even though that’s the whole point of elves
we need to bring them all to our place
and lock them up real tight so they can’t fall in holes or step in poop lava
Orome, go tell them we’ve decided this for them

so Orome goes to elftowne and he’s like guys
come live in our scary crystal god palace and have orgies forever
and some of the elves are like SWEET
but some of the elves are like NAW
and then on the way to orgyland a bunch more elves get lost
and some wander off on purpose
because they don’t want to have to climb any more mountains
or go in any more caves
The elves split up into a bunch of clubs, based on what they like
there are the swimmy elves, the ones who like the ocean
and there are the high elves, who don’t get much done
and there are the deep elves, which is what the high elves THINK they are
and then there’s the Other Elves
who are all the ones who didn’t make it to orgy land and have to keep dealing with reality
bummer.

So the moral of the story
is maybe try cleaning your room a little bit every day
so you don’t have to fight an epic war against your dirty socks
every time you have company.

THE END.

YES
WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY
WHERE TOLKIEN IS GOD AND SHIT DON’T MAKE SENSE
TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GOLDFUCKING MONSTROSITIES
THE DWARVES!!!
oh jesus that’s where the capslock key is thank god
i mean thank Tolkien?

okay so Aule right
he’s the rock god responsible for mountains and gold and chainsaws
basically all of the sweetest things are a direct consequence of this dude
and he’s sitting inside a mountain like FUCK
I have all of these completely legit skills I have totally mastered
and NO ONE TO TEACH THEM TOO
and the children of Iluvatar
meaning: the humans and the elves
aren’t supposed to get here for like EVER
SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

BUT WAIT
I’m really good at making stuff, right?
why don’t I just make some dudes
oh man this is gonna be so awesome
so he sits down and his forge
and he INVENTS DWARVES
but see
his memory is a little hazy on what people are supposed to look like
so he ends up abandoning most of the positive traits of the other two species
and replacing them all with BEARDS
and they’re all so weird-looking and sturdy and shit
that he figures he should probably give them a gold fetish
so they won’t be so bummed about how they have to have sex with each other
but so he’s putting the finishing touches on these things
when Iluvatar shows up like AULE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
and Aule is like UH DEFINITELY NOT CREATING A SENTIENT SPECIES
and Iluvatar is like dude that looks like exactly what you are doing
and Aule is like fuck dude i’m sorry i got bored
look I’ll smash them all right now with a huge hammer
and all the dwarves are like DUDE NO NOT COOL
and Iluvatar is like look what you did
you gave them feelings and shit
we can’t kill them now, that would be totally lame
… alright
i guess you can keep them
but they have to go in cryo-freeze until the other races show up
because i have spent countless milennia planning this whole thing
and you are NOT going to fuck it up with your army of gifted midgets
and Aule is like okay I GUESS

so all the dwarves go to sleep
(and when I say all I mean seven)
and Aule’s wife Yavanna comes over like hey
heard you were making some dwarves
why didn’t you tell me?
I’m your wife
communication is key to a healthy relationship
plus now
since you kept them a secret the whole time you were making them
I didn’t get any input on them at all
which means they’re not going to be down with nature like AT ALL
I can already tell that they are gonna straight mutilate all my beautiful trees
and then set them on fire and laugh about it
and Aule is like well yeah
I mean
so are the humans
dudes need firewood, woman
it’s nice that you made so much of it
but uh
try not to get attached
and Yavanna is like THAT’S BULLSHIT
but it’s ok
cause i just had a great idea
which is that I’m going to make some trees that have FEELINGS
and not just feelings
but feelings and WEAPONS
and those trees are going to be able to stand up and kick ass at will
and Aule is like whoa that sounds SWEET
and Iluvatar
who has been dropping mad eaves because that’s what he do
is like AULE IS RIGHT
THAT SOUNDS
THE SWEETEST
WE ARE SO TOTALLY MAKING THOSE
so they invent ents
by just stuffing a bunch of souls in some trees
and then Yavanna goes to Aule’s forge
and she’s like ha HA
the trees have souls now
they’re totally gonna romp anyone who tries to chop them down
and Aule’s like yeah that’s great honey
people are still gonna need firewood though
so uh
good luck with that
and then he just goes right back to inventing chainsaws

so the moral of the story
is if you find yourself having to remake the fabric of the world itself
just to keep your spouse from destroying everything you believe in
well
that’s why Iluvatar invented divorce

THE END.(?)

Hey guys
welcome back to JRR Tolkien’s answer to fun: THE SILMARILLION
Seriously
by the time you get three books into this
every paragraph is like fifty percent proper nouns
like I know you’re a linguist dude
I get it
I read about it on wikipedia
that does not mean you have to give everything THREE NAMES
DUDE DO YOU REALIZE
IF EACH THING HAS THREE NAMES
THERE ARE GOING TO BE THREE TIMES AS MANY NAMES AS THERE ARE THINGS
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ALL THOSE THINGS DUDE
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A WHOLE OTHER UNIVERSE
AND THAT UNIVERSE
IS GONNA NEED ABOUT THREE MORE NAMES

maybe it gets better, i dunno
you’re getting my gut reaction on this
which i am honestly playing up a little for comedic effect
shit i just ruined it

ANYWAY
last time I kinda glossed over the part about how the world got made
and this time I am not going to make that same mistake
so let’s see…
yeah so Ulmo is king of the water
he makes all the water stuff happen
and he’s sort of a loner
this is because of the fourteen major gods that have chosen to reside on earth
twelve of them are married
and the remaining two are Ulmo, god of water
and Nienna, goddess of CEASELESS WEEPING
and even the god of the ocean can have enough saltwater, you know?
anyway he’s not important at all to this story
because his job is pretty much to lay low
and make sure nothing catches fire permanently

speaking of fire
let’s talk about that dickhead Melkor again
he’s just arrived on earth
and he’s real pissed because of the sweet gems this dude Aule is making
he’s real pissed because out of all the gods
Melkor’s powers are most similar to Aule’s
Melkor’s being heavy metal
and Aule’s being, of course, hard rock
so Melkor starts tearing up all of Aule’s shit
and Aule is building it back up as best he can
when along comes this dude Tulkas
whose WHOLE JOB
is just to wreck Melkor’s shit whenever Melkor shows up
so he does that
pretty much singlehandedly
and Melkor runs away and hides in space

so everyone’s like sweet! Awesome!
now that we don’t have to worry about everything exploding
let’s pimp out this rad planet we got
so they start jamming out hardcore
this hippie chick Yavanna starts making all these plants and shit
Aule is stacking up sweet hills like geology tetris
and they put these two huge spotlights on giant pillars to illuminate everything.
they are making excellent progress
and in no time at all, everything is basically as sick as it can possibly be
but like, the good meaning of sick
the bad one comes later
i am sorry for the confusion, but i was running out of synonyms for “sweet”

with that finished, the gods shift their prime directive
to the time-tested pastime of gods everywhere:
PARTYING
HEARTILY
so they all head over to this giant feast at Manwe’s and Varda’s place
(Manwe being king of the gods, and Varda being the queen)
and they are all chowing down and having a great time
and Tulkas (who has been fighting Melkor pretty much nonstop for like a week)
and Yavanna (who has been making plants pretty much nonstop for like a week
and is also pretty stoned)
both crash on the couch
for some well deserved rest
and it is THIS MOMENT that Melkor chooses to strike.
Seriously
when we the last time you heard about a celestial hoedown
that was not interrupted by some sort of cataclysmic party-foul?
(I was going to link to another myth there too
a Sumerian one about the origin of fetal alcohol syndrome
but then i realized it is only available in my book
coming March 5th!)

But Melkor doesn’t try to crash the party
no, he’s to crafty for that
instead he takes all his dudes
(cause he has dudes apparently)
and he has them all burrow under the ground way up to the north
and they make a huge fortress there
then he changes his name to Morgoth
because Melkor was not evil-sounding enough?
also he knocks over the pillars with the big spotlights on them
and the spotlights are not properly secured
so they fall over and light everything on fire
which is why you should always have your light fixtures installed by professionals.

So the gods shrug off their big ol’ hangovers
and they are like shiiiiiiiit
how did all this evil get up in our land?
seriously
plants are dying
animals are growing gross horns and murdering each other
mountains are shitting out lava and exploding everywhere
I tell you, this land used to be sick as hell
but now it is AS SICK AS HELL.
(haha I told you that shit was coming back)

but they can’t do anything about it
cause Melkor is in this invincible underground bunker
and it’s not like these are the guys that shaped the earth or anything
they’re powerless to stop him
so they do the next best thing
which is they uh
leave

YUP
the benevolent creators and protectors of the world
when faced with the main thing the world needs to be protected from
move to basically middle-earth’s equivalent of the bahamas
surround it in an impassible mountain range
and then spend the next age turning it into a deathless party pad for them and their crew
NICE

during this time they do shit like
Manwe puts his throne on top of the highest mountain of all
so he can eat popcorn and watch the world burn
while eagles and ravens fly up to deliver him news
because Tolkien realized he wasn’t ripping off enough norse mythology
and also Yavanna makes these two trees
called Telperion and Laurelin
which are actually sort of gross-looking if you think about it
i mean one has gold leaves and one has silver leaves
and the flowers on each of them sort of
…ooze light onto the ground?
I don’t care if it’s light or marzipan or fucking thousand dollar bills
anything that trickles or oozes out of a plant’s orifice
I do not want.
but anyway those things are basically the sun and the moon
the gods put them on this crazy 12-hour dimmer cycle
and thus invent time
which is redundant
because in their new kindom of Valinor
every time is partytime

BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE
shockingly there are still people who give a shit
about how Melkor is fucking everything to death
for example Ulmo gives a shit
because he’s never invited to any of the parties anyway
and Yavanna gives a shit
because she’s a goddamn treehugger
and Aule gives a shit
because someone has got to keep the rock alive
and this guy Orome kind of cares too
inasmuch as he occasionally rides through Middle earth just killing animals
and most of those animals are mutant beasts so i guess he’s helping?
but none of that matters
because everyone else is too busy partying
and it is hard to save the world
when all your roommates just keep dropping acid and shitting in your fridge

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
relocate to the equator and drown your failure in orgies

THE END…?

So there’s some dudes
oh wait shit i got ahead of myself
first there’s only one dude
his name is Iluvatar
(but with an accent over the u
but fuck accents this is america)
but then Iluvatar has him some thoughts
and those thoughts turn into other dudes
and those other dudes are called the Ainur

so Iluvatar lines up all these Ainur
and he’s like alright dudes
I have called you all here today
because I have a great idea for a band
you see
some bands rock hard
some bands even rock out with their cocks out
my friends
we are going to rock out so hard
we are going to INVENT COCKS
and EVERYTHING ELSE, actually.
Everyone thinks this is mad sweet
so they all gather round
and Iluvatar teaches them
A MIGHTY RIFF
and then he’s like okay dudes
now it is time
for you
to JAM

so all these Ainu are jamming out
busting mad solos on their celestial instruments and whatnot
and Iluvatar is sitting in his arm chair all pleased
but then this one Ainu named Melkor has to come along
and stick his dick in the porridge, so to speak

Here’s Melkor’s deal:
he is by far the most gifted musician out of all these dudes
he’s like if Orpheus was playing a Bach concierto on a piano made of Mozarts
dude is a prodigy is what I am trying to say
so obviously he doesn’t feel the need to show up to celestial band practice
and instead spends most of his time wandering through the void
looking for the sacred flame that animates all creation
you know
like ya do.

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything
(and I’m not saying that he has)
it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY
so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole
and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted
and with an ELECTRIC GUITAR
[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth
but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band
so suck it]

so everyone is jamming with the sweet riffs Iluvatar gave them
and meanwhile Melkor is just shredding over there on his axe
paying less than no attention to the rhythm or key or anything
and eventually the dudes who are standing near him are like holy shit
this music makes my blood want to shoot out my skull and start doing pushups
fuck Iluvatar’s pussy-ass music of creation
it is time for some goddamn THRASH METAL UP IN HERE

so dudes start drop-tuning their harps and lyres and organs
and whatever other lame shit you use when you’re not playing speed metal
and within ten minutes Iluvatar’s sweet heavenly orchestra
has become Melkor’s doombattle moshpit slaughterhouse
so Iluvatar stands up
all slow and confident
and he puts up his left hand
and suddenly this new riff starts up
and it’s pretty sweet, and it’s actually managing to pull the song together a bit
but then Melkor is like FUCK DAT
and starts biting the heads off chickens and whatnot
beating his guitar against his face and eating rusty nails
so Iluvatar stands up again
and this time he looks a little peeved
and he puts up his right hand
and ANOTHER riff starts up
all beautiful and placid and harmonic and shit
but Melkor is having none of it
he is just mashing power chords with the amps turned up to gazillion
so finally Iluvatar gets REAL PISSED
and he puts BOTH hands up
and the music just STOPS
and he’s like way to go guys
look what you did:

so he gives them all the power of sight
because up to this point
we were just dealing with an entire orchestra of brilliant Stevie Wonders
and BAM
they all see the world that their music has apparently been making
no one told them this would happen
they just thought they were having a sweet jam sesh
and the world is AWESOME
and Iluvatar is like yeah i know it’s awesome
guys this was my plan
even your shit, Melkor
I planned that too
like all that fire and ice and lava and shit?
that is where we get snowflakes and rain and … and rad lava
so everyone wins!
and everyone is looking at this world
and all their licks and riffs and meedlies are encoded in the terrain
and they are totally getting their minds blown
and then DUDES start showing up
humans and elves!
and Iluvatar is like okay who wants to go live in this new world
and everyone is like OH ME ME ME
so they go to earth and become the Valar
except joke’s on them
because that shit they saw?
that was just a vision of how things are GOING to be
so now earth is just a screaming ball of magma and junk
and they are the ones who have to do the hard work of building it
so humans and elves can just show up and party

so naturally these dudes are pretty pissed
the main guys who got suckered into this
are Ulmo, who is mainly in charge of water
Manwe, who does wind stuff
Aule, who is a geology nerd
and Melkor who is an asshole
also Melkor invents fire
which is good
but he invents it by torching all of the other stuff
so, not as good

so imagine yourself in this situation
you’ve just been promised a paradise based on a sweet track you recorded
you pay the security deposit, sign the lease
and now you are stuck in a hell of fire and low property values
while your dick friend tries to immolate everything you own
and you are PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR RENNOVATING THIS PLACE

naturally the outcome is ceaseless wars
the Valor keep trying to build shit
and Melkor just keeps setting it on fire
over and over again
until finally the valor succeed in making something vaguely resembling a world
and all the humans and elves show up
and the valor all put on human and elf skins
because when they’re naked they’re just invisible
which is actually a pretty okay superpower depending on your body image
and Melkor doesn’t want them to have all the fun
so he tries to assume physical form too
but he is too metal for humanity, so he turns into a VOLCANO
and then more wars
but eventually less wars
and now, people!

So the moral of the story
is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

the end.