I was sure there were like no greek myths that I hadn’t already told
but I guess I was wrong
AS USUAL
special thanks to Sigmund Train, Sigmund Freud’s UNSTOPPABLE COUSIN
for teaching me this:

So yall remember Cassandra, right?
She’s the chick who Apollo tried to sex up in his own temple
but instead of sexing her up
he ended up cursing her with a gift for making prophecies that NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE
and then she predicted the Trojan war
and that worked out real well for everybody
If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times:
Apollo does not have very much game.

So anyway, cut to the end of the Trojan war
when everyone is busy dying and stuff
mainly Trojans
because Odysseus just threw a fake horse through their wall
and all the Greeks have been at this war for a LOOOOONG time
and they are PISSED
and they are like man
how are we gonna let off some steam?
OH I KNOW:
RAPE

so everyone is running around dispensing buckets of nonconsensual sex
ESPECIALLY this guy named little Ajax
you may remember him as the guy who did almost NO SPECTACULAR THINGS during the war
because he was understandably overshadowed
both literally and figuratively
by BIG AJAX
(who kills himself later because he’s being a little bitch about some armor
but that’s another story)
so little Ajax sees Cassandra
yeah, I bet you were wondering where I was going with this
and he is like IF THIS CHICK IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR APOLLO
SHE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
which I think is a good maxim to live by
but Cassandra doesn’t
because Cassandra didn’t even wanna bone Apollo
and that dude is a GOD
albeit a skeezy god with no game and poor sportsmanship
so she is just like AW HELL NO
and runs into the nearest temple of Athena to hide
and little Ajax is like ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
YOU’RE HIDING I A TEMPLE?
SHIT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY DOORS.
so he runs inside
and Cassandra is holding onto a statue of Athena
so little Ajax just drags her out along with the statue
because I guess he was saving his strength the whole war
for when he needed to use it to RAPE PEOPLE
i mean, ok
none of the primary sources on this myth actually explicitly say he raped her
but come on
what else was he gonna do?
Checkers?
Not unless they were rape checkers.

So anyway, Ajax takes Cassandra back to his boat
and meanwhile Athena is like WHAT THE FUCK
NO NO NO
first of all:
there is straight up a law against boning people in temples
yes, the greeks had so much of a problem with that that they had to make a LAW against it
I don’t even think christianity has that
and they have a pathological fear of boners
and second of all
Athena is basically the goddess of chastity
and a bunch of other things that add up to women not getting raped while clinging to a replica of her
so this is kind of a big slap in the face
and another slap in the face is that Cassandra is one of her PRIESTESSES
so that’s like a 2x faceslap combo
but the BIGGEST slap in the face
is that Athena
IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SIDE OF THE GREEKS
so she can’t even kill little Ajax or anything
BECAUSE HE IS ON HER SIDE
WHEN YOUR TEAMMATES START RAPING YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS WHEN YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO SWITCH TEAMS

but so Ajax brings Cassandra back to the boats
and Agamemnon is like oh, a hot chick
YOINK
you would think he’d have learned something from the LAST TIME HE DID THIS
but Ajax is much more of a pussy than Achilles
so he just lets it happen
and then Odysseus pops up like HEY HEY HEY
AJAX TOTALLY RAPED THAT CHICK
(Odysseus: Mortal foe to ALL Ajaxes?)
and Agamemnon is like IS THIS TRUE?
and Ajax is like uh
no?
and Odysseus is like dude
Agamemnon
he’s totally lying
look at him, he’s an asshole
I say we stone him to death
and Ajax is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and runs away
and hides
IN A TEMPLE OF ATHENA
WOW
THAT’S A LOT LIKE TRYING TO ESCAPE RAPE PROSECUTION
BY HIDING YOUR DICK IN A BEARTRAP
IT WON’T EVEN HIDE YOUR DICK
THOSE TEMPLES DON’T HAVE DOORS, WE’VE ESTABLISHED THIS

but anyway, Ajax is in the temple all like hey Athena
I know we have been through some rough times
but uh
can I get a do-over?
I’ll totally wash your dishes and stuff until I work off this rape
and Athena is like how about
HIGGITY-HELL NO
HEY ZEUS
CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR LIGHTNING BOLTS REAL QUICK?
and Zeus is like sure, yeah
I have tons of these fuckers
and then Athena is like BAZZAP
right in Ajax’s butterpouch
and Ajax dies
and then Athena proceeds to call in a favor with Poseidon
(probably from that time he tricked Hephaestus into jizzing on her leg)
to make him him wreck all the other Greek ships on their way home
and that is pretty much why the Odyssey happens
so
wow.

So the moral of the story
is try not to be sexy inside of any temples
because if the gods don’t rape you, Ajax will

THE END.