Melkor Ruins the Party

So Feanor is kicked out of Party City
and Melkor is on the run trying to avoid Tulkas
who, if you remember, is a dude whose SOLE PURPOSE is to kill Melkor
everything is sort of bad, and people are bummed
which is why Manwe decides to throw THE ULTIMATE PARTY
they have these parties every year actually
it’s like a harvest festival
Yavanna schedules it down to the minute with her forest magic
and everyone chows down and it’s awesome
but Manwe feels like this has been a particularly bad year
what with releasing the king of doom metal into the world
and banishing the raddest elf
so he decides that this year he is going to spare no expense
bustin’ out champange jacuzzis, cocaine snowglobes and solid gold meat
everyone is invited, and everyone is bound to have an awesome time
there is only one thing that might ruin the party
(well okay two things but we’ll get to the other one)
and that one thing is that even though all the elves are invited
and even though Feanor is REQUIRED BY LAW TO ATTEND
none of Feanor’s bros show up
Like, feanor does
but he totally underdresses
and Finwe, his dad, is like “I’m not coming to any more parties
until you let my son back in the kingdom”
this shit is so highschool, seriously

Meanwhile, Tulkas and co are trying to chase down Melkor
they figure he’ll probably go back to his old fortress in the north
but when they get there they realize they are super wrong
and no one thinks to check the south side
which is apprently Middle Earth’s hotbed of crime
because literally none of the cops (by which I mean Valar) pay attention to it

see, not only is Melkor down there
but there is also this chick Ungoliant
she was one of Melkor’s key people back in the day
but she got sick of playing second-fiddle
(or second axe or whatever)
and decided to pursue a solo career as a giant tarantula that eats light and shits darkness
So Melkor goes and hits her up like hey
wanna help me fuck everything up?
and she’s like I don’t know
what’s in it for me?
and he’s like If you do it then I’ll straight up give you anything you want
literally anything
(he is lying
lying is great)
and that’s a pretty good deal, so Ungoliant agrees
and she spins them a bodysuit made of jet black hatred
and that makes them invisible or something so then they just go walk to Valinor

okay so back at the party
shit is real awkward
no one’s really seen Feanor since he got banished
and he’s not really in a partying kind of mood
but Fingolfin is determined to put a good face on the situation
so he goes up to Feanor and he’s like dude
I’m sorry about taking you to court and whatnot
let’s be bros from now on
and Feanor is like okay sure, bros forever
and they hug it out
and then right at that EXACT MOMENT is when Melkor and Ungoliant get to Valinor
and they cut open the trees of light that Yavanna made
and Ungoliant sucks out all the light-juice
and gets wayyy fat and sassy
so fat and sassy that Melkor is actually kind of spooked
and then Ungoliant sucks all the water out of all the wells
and darkness spreads across the land and whatnot
and then they’re like okay fuck let’s hit the road before the cops get here
and Manwe is like guys I was just trying to have a party I mean shiiiiiiiit
(Manwe, I am beginning to realize, is not a very effective king)
then they send Orome and all the other murder guys to go try to chase down Melkor
and meanwhile someone still has to clean up after the party

so the moral of the story
is never have parties
they are a dangerous distraction


10 thoughts on “Melkor Ruins the Party

  1. Wow, pretty good story. Melkor keeps on fuckin shit up. Why wasn’t this kinda stuff in the book? (Still the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life)

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