AKALLABETH, or: The Valar Are Poor Communicators

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AH FUCK
IT’S NOT OVER.
Tolkein straight up added more book after the end of his book.
It is as if the Silmarillion is a huge, complex wordburger
and the Akallabeth is an extra patty he just threw on top
getting your fingers all greasy
drawing unwanted attention to your already unhealthy meal.
It’s a pretty sweet story though.

So after the Valar come over and fix everyone’s shit
they reward all the humans who helped them
by giving them their own party island off the west coast.
This island is called Hawaii
oh wait no it’s not
why would it be called Hawaii
it’s called like four thousand other things
but none of those things are Hawaii
even though that’s exactly what it fucking is
but in case you’re taking a class on this or something
the island is actually called Numenor.
The elves also get an island called Avallone
but it’s slightly closer to Valinor
and everybody real estate is all about location
plus the elves can never die so that’s sweet too
oh and also the Valar tell the humans that they aren’t allowed to go west at all
because that would take them closer to Valinor
and humans are too gross to go to Valinor.

The humans are pretty stoked to be where they are
FOR A WHILE
but then people start to ask a very reasonable question:
they’re like “Hey
how come the elves can come over and party with us on our island
but we can’t go over to their island?”
and the elves and the Valinor are just like “Uh …
you just can’t, okay?”
and the humans are like “But that’s so unfair!
Why do you guys get to be immortal
while we are doomed to die in all the lamest ways?”
and the Valar are like “Are you guys kidding?
Dying is a GIFT.
We would LOVE to be able to die
the burden of generations of wisdom and partying can be too much at times
seriously we don’t understand what you’re complaining about.”

Obviously this answer does not please the humans
but they know better than to fuck with the Valinor
so instead they take out their aggression on the humans of Middle Earth
because those guys are all still hungry and confused
due to the aftermath of the huge war that just happened.
So after centuries of enslaving other humans and demanding tribute
the people of Numenor naturally become shittier and shittier
and their kings become the shittiest of all.
There’s a brief moment of non-shittiness
when this dude Tar-Palantir becomes king
but then he dies and passes the crown to his daughter
and his shitty brother forces her to marry him
which is illegal on SO MANY LEVELS
but I guess it doesn’t matter because then he’s king.
His name is Ar-Pharazon
and he is the last person who gets to be king of Numenor.

See, here’s what happens
Sauron, Morgoth’s most devoted follower
didn’t get banished when his boss did
so he’s just been chilling out in Middle Earth
making things objectively worse for everyone
and finally he raises an army
and gets real arrogant about it
and starts calling himself the king of men
but Ar-Pharazon is like “NUH UH
YOU CAN’T BE THE KING OF MEN
IIIIIIII AM THE KING OF MEN.”
and Sauron is like “Oh dang, you’re right
I’ll stop opposing you immediately
in fact, can I just come and live at your house
maybe be your trusted advisor?”
And Ar-Pharazon is like “Hmmmmmm
YES.”
You don’t become king of Numenor by being smart, friends
you become king of Numenor by heredity
and also by forcing your niece to marry you.

So now Sauron is Ar-Pharazon’s most trusted advisor
which means we all know where this is going already.
Sauron’s like “Now I know you’ve been worshipping the Valar
because of their benevolence and whatnot
but you know who’s even better?
MELKOR
Like, do the Valar demand human sacrifices?
NOPE.
Melkor does though.
SO METAL.”
And Ar-Pharazon
who definitely aspires to be the most metal king of Numenor
can see no problem with Sauron’s terrible advice.

So Sauron and Ar-Pharazon build a huge temple to Melkor
and start sacrificing all the nice people inside of it
and they burn down their copy of Celeborn, THE TREE OF LIFE
although some dudes manage to save a fruit from it first
and grow a little tree out of it
but that doesn’t matter basically at all.
Everybody’s lifespans start getting shorter
terrible diseases abound
people go crazy and murder each other
getting struck by lightning becomes a common occurrence
things become worse in pretty much every conceivable way
other than metalness, I guess.

But Sauron has not fucked up enough shit yet
so he goes to Ar-Pharazon like “Yo
You’ve been doing a pretty terrible job at king
but you know what buddy?
I believe in you.
You can do way worse.”
and Ar-Pharazon is all “SHIT YEAH I CAN
I’M THE KING OF MEN
I CAN DO ANYTHING.”
So then he decides he is actually going to ATTACK VALINOR.
Luckily, not everybody in the kingdom is as dumb as he is.
There’s this dude named Amandil
who grabs a bunch of other non-idiots
and he’s like “Okay, guys
I don’t know how shit got so bad
maybe it’s a combination of boredom, inbreeding, and arbitrary rules handed down by distant, uncaring gods
but whatever
the point is that shit is about to be horrible
and you guys all need to live.
I’m going to try and sail to Valinor and talk the gods out of doing something rash
because that ALWAYS WORKS.”

So Amandil’s sons head to Middle Earth
Amandil heads to Valinor
and so does Ar-Pharazon’ WHOLE DAMN FLEET.
Ar-Pharazon lands on that Elf island, Avallone
like “HAHA, MINE!”
and Manwe sees that and goes out of his fucking gourd
he calls up Iluvatar
who he hasn’t talked to in AGES
and is like “Yeah dude, just kill everybody.”
So Iluvatar
who, remember
has not interfered with creation SINCE THE BEGINNING
is just like “Yeah, okay”
and straight up splits the world in half
just to keep humans from getting to Party Island.

So Ar-Pharazon dies
all his dudes die
all the elves on Avallone
plus a few stray birds, but fuck birds.
Amandil’s guys are fine
because they got out while the getting was good
and Sauron is chilling in his temple in Numenor
laughing his ass off over this catastrophe
when all of a sudden
WHOOPS
Numenor falls into the fucking abyss
and Sauron does that thing Wile E. Coyote does
where he sits on nothing for a minute with his eyes closed
cautiously feeling the air around him with his feet
before resignedly opening his eyes and falling to his death.

EXCEPT HE CAN’T BE KILLED.
His hot bod gets destroyed, sure
but his mean ghost is fine
so he just runs back home
and turns into a GIANT FLAMING EYEBALL
which goes on to cause a lot more problems
but I’ll tell you about that shit next week.

So the moral of the story
is that you should probably just let your friends party at your place sometimes
because otherwise
some day
you may have to destroy them.

Earendil Drives a Boat into a Fucking Dragon

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ARE WE DONE YET, TOLKIEN?
HAVE YOU SAID ALL THE FANCY NAMES YOU WANT TO SAY?
CAN WE GET TO THE PART WHERE SHIT DOESN’T BLOW?
Yeah?
Ok cool
awesome.

So Tuor and Idril sail off in a boat and escape the story
ditching their two kids in the process
and one of their kids
Earendil
isn’t too jazzed about that
so he builds ANOTHER boat
and HE sails off to look for his parents
/find Valinor and ask the Valar what’s up
/have orgies in their party castle forever
ditching his wife Elwin in the process
along with the Silmaril she’s guarding.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY
DO THEY LOVE BOATS SO MUCH THAT THEY FORGET THEY HAVE RELATIVES?
GUESS SO.

So while Earendil is gone
the sons of Feanor hear about Elwin and her Silmaril
so they send a strongly worded letter to her
like “Hey, that shiny piece of garbage is actually ours
give it back or else
love,
the source of basically every single problem in this story”
and Elwin and all her friends are like “Hmm
we could just give them back the Silmaril
but it’s REALLY shiny
so let’s just keep it.”
and the sons of Feanor are like “Ok, awesome
we’re getting really good at killing our own kind anyway.”
So they slaughter most of the people in Elwin’s city
except for Elwin’s kids
and also Elwin, who throws herself into the sea
and then Ulmo is like “Okay, this is fucking dumb.”
so he rips a page out of Zeus’s book
and turns her into a bird
with the Silmaril embedded in her chest
so Maedhros and Maglin
(the two surviving sons of Feanor)
see her flying away
while they murder the last of her friends
and are just like “AWW, CRICKET-DICK”

So Elwin meets up with Earendil
who is actually on his way back to see her anyway
and she tells him what’s up
so they decide to fuck off to Valinor together
and fuck everything else.
No one has successfully made it to Valinor so far
but Earendil has a secret weapon:
the Silmaril.
So he straps that shit to his face
and uses it as a magic head lamp to get him to Valinor
and then when they get to the shore
he gathers up Elwin and the crew like “Sheesh, guys
thanks so much for helping me sail here
but this magical island of orgies and fun
is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
and it would be shitty of me to subject you to that sexy danger.
What am I, Odysseus?
Nah, you guys stay here
I’ll bbn
(be back never)

but Elwin is like “Aw hell no
you’re not keeping me out of party kingdom
I’m coming with you
fuck your danger.”
and Earendil
who was looking forward to sleeping around at least a little bit
is like “Ugh, fine
you have to let me go talk to the Valar alone though
because you are being so fucking suffocating right now”

So Earendil shows up at Manwe’s house like “Yo
I brought you a Silmaril
get off your radiant ass and kill Morgoth already”
and Manwe is like “Oh shit, okay.”
So he gives Earendil a rad flying boat
and glues the Silmaril to it
and Earendil flies it over Middle earth
so the children of Feanor can see it and be like “Whoa
that looks like a Silmaril
I wonder if we can like …
jump real high and steal it.”
and then Manwe sends all the armies of Valinor back to Middle earth
to show up and ruin Morgoth’s shit.

Morgoth is not expecting this
he’s pretty sure the Valar have forgotten about the world altogether
and retreated to a life of opium smoking and sex magic
so when this huge radiant army shows up
ready to romp and stomp him in about fourteen new ways
he loses his shit
and just throws his whole army at them.
His whole army is made of dragons, so this is a problem for everybody.

NOT A PROBLEM FOR EARENDIL THOUGH
He just crashes his boat straight into a dragon’s face
while surrounded by an army of screaming birds
lead by Thorondor, KING OF EAGLES
and demolishes that giant fire lizard.
If you do not yet understand
why birds terrify me so god damn much
this episode is all you need:
a dragon
A FUCKING DRAGON
just got reamed by a flying boat and a bunch of feathered wastrels.
the book is not super detailed on this point
but i am p. sure they eat their way in through the dragon’s eyes
and then just go crazy on his organs.

So eventually they chase Morgoth down
and fail to kill him for some reason
but they do tie him up in a super embarassing way
by turning his crown into a collar
and then they throw him out of the universe
lock the door behind him
and guard it forever.

So the end, right?
Morgoth is dead, everything is awesome.
Well yeah
but Feanor’s kids aren’t done being assholes yet.
See, Morgoth still had two Silmarils
and the invading force from Valinor took them
so Maedhros and Maeglin send ANOTHER strongly worded letter
but the Valar are just like “Um guys
you have done literally nothing but murder your own guys
for CENTURIES.
You’ve straight up murdered more guys than Morgoth
what
in the WIDE WORLD OF FUCK
makes you think you deserve a prize for your behavior?”
and Maedhros is like “FUCK YOU, TAKIN’ EM ANYWAY”
and the Valar are like “Noooooo”
but then it turns out Maedhros and Maeglin can’t even hold the Silmarils
because the Silmarils don’t like being held by jerks
so the jewels burn their hands like magic hot potatoes
until they both freak out and throw them away
and one ends up at the bottom of the ocean
and the other one ends up AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
so now nobody’s happy.
Nice job, Feanor’s kids.
Way to squeeze in one last fuck you before the end of this story.

Because yeah
that’s the end of the Silmarillion
Morgoth/Melkor is out of the picture
and everything is going to be great forever

… OR IS IT?

Anyway
the moral of the story
is that your cease and desist letters become a lot more effective
when you can back them up with murder.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Tuor is Useless

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We’re approaching the end of the Silmarillion
which means shit should be getting marginally less sour at this point
but GUESS WHAT?
IT’S NOT.
Shit is staying sour like lemon-flavored bad mood
which is honestly a pretty appetizing description as far as shit is concerned
but I hope I don’t need to tell you guys:
no kind of shit is good for eating
don’t let fancy flavors fool you.

Okay, now that we got that PSA out of the way
why don’t I tell you about Tuor.
Okay, Tuor is the son of Hurin’s brother
who died during the last big battle
so he grows up as a sad little orphan in a cave with some other sad humans
until one day everyone is like “fuck this cave” and leaves
except they get killed by orcs and shitty humans
and the shitty humans enslave Tuor for three years
at which point he breaks out and goes back to the cave
even though it’s totally abandoned now
because I guess he really likes caves.

So he chills out in the cave for a while
maybe staring at some shadows on a wall or w/e
until Ulmo
LORD OF THE WATERS
is like “dude, you know what’s better than caves?
THE MOTHERFUCKING SEA”
and Tuor is like “GOD DAMN YOU’RE RIGHT
CAVES ARE GREAT
BUT CAN YOU DROWN IN A CAVE?
IS A CAVE FULL OF POISONOUS, DEADLY WATER-BREATHERS?
IS IT ANYWHERE NEAR AS MOIST?
NO.
THE SEA IS A WAY BETTER PLACE TO BE MISERABLE THAN A CAVE”
and Ulmo is like “Ok that’s not exactly what I meant
but whatever works I guess.”

So Tuor hikes over to the sea
and Ulmo leads him around with birds and shit for a while
until finally Tuor ends up
IN ANOTHER CAVE
and inside this cave
is a suit of armor
which Turgon, king of the hidden city of Gondolin
custom-made like 200 years ago
using measurements given to him by Ulmo
so that some day
some random dude
could come along and find them.
THAT DUDE IS TUOR.
So yeah, Tuor puts on this creepily well-fitting armor
and then runs into a random shipwrecked elf from Gondolin
who Ulmo fucked over just so he could lead Tuor back to the city
which is exactly what happens.

Now I know what you’re thinking:
this whole armor thing is the payoff of a godly prophecy
several centuries in the making
which means Tuor is probably about to Jesus the fuck out of Gondolin
turn shit around for the good guys
and finally start accomplishing rad feats instead of incest and misery
OOPS
NOPE
Turns out Tuor is just gonna tell king Turgon to leave his secret castle
because Morgoth is gonna come burn it down any day now
and Turgon is just gonna be like “Hm … I see what you’re saying
but I like this secret castle
all my shit is here
so … nope.”
AND THAT’S THAT.

It’s like DUDE
TURGON
AN ACTUAL LITERAL GOD CAME TO YOU
AND TOLD YOU TO MAKE ARMOR FOR A DUDE
WHO DIDN’T EVEN EXIST YET
SO THAT ONE DAY HE COULD COME DELIVER YOU A MESSAGE.
THAT DUDE IS HERE NOW, TURGON
HE IS IN YOUR HOUSE
HE IS DELIVERING YOU A MESSAGE
AND YOU’RE GONNA TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD-DAMN TELEMARKETER?
THIS IS LIKE IF I HIRED A PLUMBER TO FIX MY TOILET
AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE YOU NEED NEW PIPES
AND I WAS LIKE NO THANKS DUDE I LIKE MY OLD PIPES
I THINK I’M JUST GONNA START SHITTING IN MY SINK.
GOD DAMMIT TURGON
DON’T GO SHITTING IN YOUR SINK, BUDDY
DON’T GO SHITTING ANYWHERE IN YOUR KITCHEN
NO KIND OF POOP IS GOOD TO EAT.

But it’s too late
Turgon has made his dumb decision
and now everyone has to deal with it
but Tuor does manage to salvage the situation
by marrying Turgon’s hot elf daughter Idril
who was coincidentally the sex-target of an asshole named Maeglin
who was the dude who convinced Turgon to stay in Gondolin like an asshole
so Idril def made the right choice.
Idril also makes another right choice:
because her dad is too much of an idiot to leave Gondolin
she goes over his head
or under his head i guess
what I mean is she digs a secret tunnel out of the city
and doesn’t tell anyone except Tuor and maybe a couple other people
which means that when Morgoth inevitably captures Maeglin
and converts him to evil
and convinces him to betray Gondolin so he can finally sex Idril
Idril is just like HAHAHA NOPE
and runs away with all the cool people while Morgoth’s goons butcher everyone else.

So Tuor and Idril and co flee through all the worst parts of the mountains
(every part of mountains is the worst part)
protected from evil by a swarm of giant screaming eagles.
They get attacked by a Baalrog at one point
but it’s okay because some dude nobody cares about sacrifices himself to knock it off a cliff
exactly like Gandalf does later in the Lord of the Rings
GANDALF:
SUCH A FUCKING BITER, GOD.

So yeah, everybody gets away clean
and they end up on the coast
because Tuor is still OBSESSED with the sea
and they run into all the dudes who escaped Doriath when it got ruined
and everybody chills out in their new secret base
which Morgoth is totally unaware of
so HE thinks everything is totally groovy
because all he has to deal with is the children of Feanor
who at this point have pretty much exclusively killed their own guys.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because Ulmo swims back to Valinor to talk to the other Valar
and he’s like “Guys
the humans and the elves are doing pretty damn bad
maybe we should get off our asses and help them kill Morgoth?
Like, you know how we’re each as powerful as Morgoth
and there are like a ton more of us?
Couldn’t we end this war like super fast?”
and Manwe, who is still sore about the elves ditching his party castle
is like “Yeah … but no.”
and Ulmo is like “aww.”
then Tuor and his wife build a big boat and sail out of the story
thus making them probably the happiest people in the Silmarillion so far
but doing fuck-all to help anyone else.

So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get on a boat and fucking vanish.

TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD

Jewelry is Hard to Come By In Middle Earth

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Right so some of you lovely people gave money to my Patreon
and the amount of money you gave me
means I gotta finish the Silmarillion now
which is great actually
because I was just saying how I’m not reading enough multisyllabic names.

Okay, where were we?
Oh yeah
Turin just fucked everything up over and over again and then died
awesome.
I hate to break it to you guys
but this story gets way the fuck grimmer before it claws its way out of the sadhole
like Tolkien tried to pack as much tragedy into this fucking thing as possible
before the day gets inevitably saved.
He’s like a dude at an all-you-can-eat sadness buffet
just cramming in the depressing calories
because he knows he’s inevitably gonna shit later.
Okay, bad metaphor
I’m just stalling because this part of the story sucks.

Okay, remember Hurin?
It’s cool if you don’t.
There’s a lot to remember.
Hurin is Turin’s dad
which makes me wish everybody’s names rhymed with their dad’s names
it would make this fucking book way easier.
Anyway Hurin was kidnapped my Morgoth back when Turin was a baby
and he has spent all the time since then just hanging out in Morgoth’s castle
which is seriously THE LAMEST PLACE
plus Morgoth is like the WORST DUDE to hang out with
but then one day
(after Turin is already way dead)
Morgoth is just like “hey dude you’re free to go”
and Hurin is like “…what?”
and Morgoth is like “Yeah I feel real bad about torturing you in my castle for decades
plus your son is dead so maybe you should go mourn him.”
and Hurin is like “no way dude, you’re an asshole
you don’t feel bad about things you do.”
and Morgoth is like “Ha ha,you got me
I really just want to release you so you can ruin everybody’s lives
with the hatred I have nurtured inside of you.”
and Hurin is like “Oh, okay, that makes more sense
peace out.”
and then he leaves.

Nobody wants to have shit to do with him
because he’s been living with Morgoth for a long-ass time
so he’s like crawling with Evil Cooties
and everybody’s standoffishness just pisses of Hurin more
so he goes straight to the hidden city of Gondolin
which is the last remaining Secret Elf City
now that Turin totally fucked up Nargothrond
and Hurin stands outside of Gondolin like “HEY
HEY
SECRET CITY
OPEN UP, GUYS
I KNOW THERE’S A SECRET CITY HERE
THERE USED TO BE A DOOR RIGHT HERE BUT IT’S BROKEN
WHAT THE FUCK”
and Thorondor, the king of Eagles is like “Oh hell no
we are not letting that crazy bastard in here
nuh uh.”
and Morgoth’s spies are like “SECRET CITY, YOU SAY?
HMMMM”
so I’m sure that won’t end poorly or anything.

After waiting outside Gondolin for a whole day
Hurin finally gets fed up and leaves
and he goes to find his wife Morwen
but she’s super old and dead
and all his kids are dead
it’s just all around a pretty sucky week for Hurin.
So to make it shittier, I guess
he goes to the ruins of Nargothrond
where that shitty dwarf Mim is busy fucking all the gold
and he stabs Mim and takes the prettiest necklace in the city
which is this fancy dwarf thing called the Nauglamir
and he brings that shit over to Thingol and Melian‘s house in Doriath
(this dude is doing like a greatest-hits tour of the kingdom)
and he throws the necklace at Thingol like “FUCK YOU HERE’S A NECKLACE
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR THROWING OUT MY SON
YOU GET HIT WITH A PRICELESS NECKLACE”
and Melian is like “Dude we didn’t throw out your son
your son turned into a crazy asshole and ran away”
and Hurin is like “Oh …”
and then there’s a really awkward pause
where Hurin picks the necklace up off the ground
and gently places it in Thingol’s hands
and pats it a couple times while looking sheepishly at his feet
and then he goes and drowns himself in the ocean.

So Thingol looks at this priceless dwarf necklace
and he’s like “You know what would make this necklace even better?
IF IT HAD A SILMARIL IN IT
FUCK YEAH LET’S GET SOME DWARVES IN HERE
THEY LOVE STICKING SHIT IN GOLD.”
So he calls up some dwarves
and they come over and put the fancy gem in the necklace
but then they’re like “Hey man, we’re gonna take this home ok?”
and Thingol is like “That wasn’t part of the deal!”
and the dwarves are like “WE’RE MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL”
and then they kill him and take the necklace
but the elves chase them down and kill them and take it back
but a couple of them escape and tell the dwarves
who decide to go to war over this stupid piece of jewelry.

Meanwhile Melian is none too pleased
because she gave up being a god to go have sex with Thingol
and it is very hard to have satisfying sex with a male corpse
so she’s like “okay kingdom
you know how I was protecting you with my magic?
well, uh
you’re on your own now.”
and then she goes away to be sad in space or something
and the dwarves show up and kill like everybody and take the necklace again
but then Beren
(the dude who stole the Silmaril in the first place)
finds out about this shit and gets pissed off
so HE shows up and kills all the dwarves and takes the necklace
and gives it to his wife Luthien
who gets so sexy by wearing the necklace that it kills them both
so then Thingol’s son takes it back to Doriath
at which point the sons of Feanor remember their solemn oath
to never stop being assholes until they have all the Silmarils
so THEY show up and kill everyone in Doriath
but they don’t get the necklace because someone runs away with it
but at least they make up for their failure by killing a bunch of women and children
and making it so Doriath will never be a kingdom ever again.
It’s sort of a win-win if you think about it.
Wait I just thought about it
nope.

Anyway the moral of the story
is that you should never give custom jewelry to your lover
because dwarves will kill them and steal it.
Oh god
Valentine’s day was two days ago
…I’m too late

TO BE CONTINUED!

Geese and Gold: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together

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So I launched my Patreon today
you should give money to it
that would be rad
but anyway it got me thinking about money myths
and suddenly I was like HOLY SHIT
HOW HAVE I NOT RETOLD THE STORY OF THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS?
FIXING THAT NOW.

Basically what happens
is this guy gets a freakish mutant goose that lays eggs of gold
obviously this is a dead-end mutation
because babies do not hatch out of gold eggs
except maybe in fairytales, I dunno
but whatever, dude is rich from selling all these metal eggs
and he’s like oh man
if this goose is this valuable alive
I bet it’s EVEN MORE VALUABLE DEAD
(said NO ONE ELSE, EVER)
so he chops it open and it’s just full of meat
no gold, just blood and goose meat
and he doesn’t even hire any scientists
to discover the biology behind its weird bird alchemy
so the secret is lost forever
and he’s still sort of rich from all the eggs
but he knows what he did.

The moral of the story
is that donating money to me
gives me a great excuse not to cut you open and root around in your insides.

BUT DID YOU KNOW
THAT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY STORY THAT CONTAINS A GOOSE/GOLD COMBO??
Yes friends
today’s myth is a motherfucking DOUBLE FEATURES
so sit back and grease your earholes
because you’re about to hear about the GOLDEN GOOSE.

Okay so there’s three brothers because when are there not
the first two go out into the forest to chop wood
one at a time
like idiots
and they meet a magic hobo who asks for their lunches
and they’re both like no
so he makes them accidentally mutilate themselves with their axes.
So far, pretty standard fairytale.
So then the youngest son, who has a shitty name like Dumplet or Badhair
decides to try cutting wood too
so his parents send him out with a shitty lunch and a very sharp axe
and he sees the hobo and gives him all the food
and the hobo is like “gee, thanks
enjoy a wood-chopping experience free of self-amputation
and also this goose with GOLDEN FEATHERS.”

So Dumplet has this gold goose now
which means there’s no way he’s going back to his shitty family
so instead he checks into the penthouse suite at a local inn.
There are three chicks who live there and there are greedy as fuck
so they see this gold goose in the stable
and they gotta try to steal feathers off it
but when the first one touches the goose she gets stuck to it
like brer rabbit gently caressing a way sexier tarbaby
and then the second sister touches her and gets stuck to her
and then the THIRD sister touches the SECOND sister
and now it’s like a non-consensual conga line in this barn
or else a g-rated human centipede with a goose for a head.

So Dumplet wakes up, checks out, and grabs his goose
totally failing to notice the three women attached to it
so he’s just dragging them across the countryside
going nowhere in particular
and along the way he picks up some random dude
and a local priest
and a couple of guys working in a field.
It’s getting to the point where this could maybe be a threat to national security
so of course the kid heads straight for the capitol
where the king has a hot daughter with no sense of humor
who he REALLY doesn’t want to marry off
as evidenced by the fact that he has promised to wed her to whoever can make her laugh
but then this dumbass shows up
with a goose govered in frantic women and religious authorities
and the princess loses her fucking shit
so the king thinks fast
and just demands a bunch of random impossible shit
all of which Dumplet accomplishes
using a combination of the forest hobo’s magic
and the forest hobo’s terrifyingly intense hunger
and then he gets to marry a princess
and torment a conga line of screaming vassals forever and ever.

The moral of the story is don’t pet wild animals.
Do give me money though.

Musatak Chills With Bears

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My entire city is encased in ice right now
it’s like somebody dumped a big bucket of Hoth on us all at once
seriously
i went on a beer run with my buddy last night
and he jumped into a huge pile of snow
like taller than we were
and then we got to the liquor store
and he couldn’t find his wallet
YA THAT’S RIGHT
SNOW STOLE HIS WALLET
WHAT THE FUCK WINTER
YOU’RE NOT CONTENT JUST STEALING OUR JOY AND WARMTH
YOU GOTTA STEAL OUR ACTUAL MONEY TOO?
Or maybe my friend just didn’t wanna pay for booze
who knows?
my friends are scoundrels.

Anyway all this snow makes me wanna tell a snowy myth.
I was gonna try and do one about wendigos
cause a couple of y’all expressed interest
but most wendigo stories are just like “AAAA SHIT A WENDIGO
THE END”
so instead I’m gonna go back to an old favorite source:
this book of Angmagsalik nonsense that somebody mailed me a couple years ago
I don’t even remember who did that
but I love them.

Anyway this story is about a chick named Musatak.
Musatak has no man and no kids
which sounds sweet to me
but to Musatak it’s a serious issue
so instead of finding a husband or stealing some kids
she does the next best thing and adopts a fucking bear
which is just like
wow
you’re already home alone
but now you’re home alone with a FUCKING BEAR
i mean i guess you’re not technically alone if there’s a bear there
but only because you’re WORSE THAN ALONE

for some reason though, the bear doesn’t eat Musatak
prolly because she is constantly feeding him blubber
and he fucking LOVES blubber
so this blubber-bear grows up and gets married
to a human woman
whom he impregnates
and then she gives birth to another bear
thus making blubber-bear way better at life than his foster mom
at least by the standards of this community
and let me just say
if your community prefers fucking actual bears to being single
maybe it is time to move.

Anyway the little bear gets older too
and pretty soon his dad is taking him hunting every day
except then they run into some other hunters
who are actual humans
and the bears are so used to chilling with humans
that they forget that humans are actually xenophobic assholes
so the humans kill the little bear and run away
and papa bear is like OH HELL NO

So he follows them back to their crib
and he climbs up on the roof
and just waits for dudes to come out
and every time they do, it’s just like THWAP
DEAD.
He kills TONS of people this way
until there’s only one guy left in the whole place:
THE ELDEST SON
so the eldest son ties a knife to the end of a stick
and when the bear tries to come into the house
to like piss on all the furniture and whatever
the kid just stabs the bear in the nuts
and the bear keeps coming
and the kid stabs him in the nuts again
and AGAIN
and AGAINNN
until the bear is finally like “Ow my nuts”
and falls over
but he’s not dead
so the kid cuts him up
but he’s still not dead
so the kid boils him alive
but he’s still not dead
his soul is just hiding under the floor to keep cool
because that’s a thing souls do
and then the kid eats him
and the bear is in an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF PAIN
but he is STILL ALIVE
his soul just chills out in the house for 3 days
until finally he’s like “What am I even doing here?
I’m a ghost now, I can do whatever i want”
so he flies back home to his foster mom
who has cried so much that her snot is dripping all the way onto the floor
it’s super gross.
The end.

Yeah, seriously
there’s no minor victory for our bear hero or his weird mom
he just dies and gets eaten and she cries about it.
This is the kind of stories the Angmagsalik people seem to like
which just goes to show
that living in a state of endless winter
can sometimes be a little bit hard to
… bear?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOU GOODNIGHT

The Animals on Animal Farm are ANIMALS

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Once upon a time there’s this shitty farm called Manor Farm
it’s owned by a shitty farmer
who is really awesome at being a drunk piece of shit
but really terrible at less important things like feeding his animals
so naturally the animals are not in a great mood
and then this ancient pig called Old Major makes everything worse
by calling all the animals together and being like “hey guys
fuck humans, am I right?”
and all the animals are like “RIGHT? RIGHT???”
and Old Major is like “I’m sayin’.
so I feel like like
one of these days
we should take over all the farms from them
and live in harmony and shit.
check it out, there’s even a song about it
it’s called BEASTS OF ENGLAND
you can sing it to the tune of La Cucaracha
and if any of you guys decide to start a dubstep collective
you should call it Beats of England OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SICKKKKK
speaking of sick, I have to die now
good luck with the revolution!”

So then Old Major dies
and farmer Jones keeps being a drunk asshole
and finally the animals are just like “fuck this”
and they kick his ass out of his farm and rename it “Animal Farm”
(because animals are bad at names.)
The main animals who kick him out are these three little pigs
named Snowball, Squealer, and Napoleon
Snowball is a really excitable dude with all kinds of rad plans
Squealer is really good at talking people into shit
and Napoleon is a thinly veiled metaphor for Stalin
so these guys take all the cool stuff that Old Major said
and they turn it into seven animal commandments:

1. If they got two legs, fuck ’em
2. If they got four legs or wings, only fuck ’em in the good way.
3. ABN: Always Be Naked
4. No sleeping in beds. You can still sleep in your own shit though.
5. No booze.
6. No killing each other.
7. All animals are equal.

Honestly, other than the first 2 rules
these are probably rules I would make for my own animals
I don’t want ducks sleeping in my bed or drinking my booze
have you seen ducks?
They shit EVERYWHERE.

Anyway the farm goes pretty well for a while
the animals are excited to be farming for themselves
even though farming is hard without thumbs
but then the pigs start pulling all this sly bullshit
like taking all the milk and apples for themselves
because they “need it for thinking”
and then all these adorable puppies get born
and Napoleon takes them all away for “private re-education”
(which better not be code for dogfucking)
plus it turns out sheep are too dumb to learn all the rules
so Napoleon boils it down to “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD”
and teaches them to yell it like ALL THE TIME
it is SO ANNOYING.
Around this time some humans attack the farm
and Snowball just totally fucks them to death
by being a superior tactician and a total badass
and despite getting shot basically in the head.
Also there’s this horse named Boxer who does a good job
he’s important later.

So Snowball gets an award for being good at violence
and I guess awards make snowball crazy
because suddenly he is all about this insane plan to build a windmill
it’s like fuck improving crops
fuck the revolution
let’s build a goddamn windmill
(honestly that’s how I feel every day of my life
but that’s exactly why I’m not in charge of an animal rebellion)
Napoleon fucking HATES this plan
and he says so constantly
but Snowball keeps going with it
until finally Napoleon is just like “OKAY, SHOW’S OVER
SNOWBALL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE
AGAINST MY NINE LOYALLY TRAINED HOUNDS?”
Yeah, remember when he took those dogs away for “reeducation”
it turns out he didn’t have sex with any of them
he just brainwashed them into RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES
so he chases Snowball away
and then he’s like “Okay, so from now on
you guys don’t get to vote on anything
the pigs make all the decisions
and I make all the decisions for the pigs.”
and maybe people would have argued, but dogs.

But then suddenly Napoleon is like “OK GUYS WE GOTTA BUILD A WINDMILL”
and everyone is like what the fuck
i thought you hated windmills
and he’s like “THE WINDMILL WAS MY IDEA THE WHOLE TIME
SNOWBALL STOLE IT BECAUSE HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER IT IS HIS FAULT”
and everyone is like “Ohhhh that makes sense.”
so they start building the windmill
but it falls down because ANIMALS CAN’T BUILD WINDMILLS
so they start building it AGAIN
but by this time there is a food shortage
because, let me reiterate
they are wasting all their time building a FUCKING WINDMILL
but Napoleon doesn’t want the humans to know they’re hungry
so he’s just straight up lying to the one human dude who comes around
like “OH MAN YEAH, WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
SOMETIMES WE JUST SET IT ON FIRE FOR NO REASON
LIKE WHATEVER, IT’S JUST FOOD.”
and the human is apparently as dumb as all the other animals
because he believes Napoleon’s shit.

But a steady diet of total bullshit is not enough to feed all the animals
so suddenly
MYSTERIOUSLY
it turns out that the evil Snowball has come back
and infected dozens of the animals with his EVIL LIES
so they all confess to Napoleon
who publicly murders them with his dogs for justice
and hey, that ration problem is solved now so that’s good too.
But then one of the horses, named Clover
is like wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against killing animals?
so she goes to the shed where they painted all the rules
but now suddenly it says “No killing animals
EXCEPT FOR VERY GOOD REASONS”
so she’s like oh, whatever that’s fine

Shit gets way worse after that
like they even outlaw singing that “Beasts of England” song
in favor of a song about how great animal farm is
and people keep confessing to weird shit and dying
and everybody is hungry
but it’s okay because then they finish the windmill
but then it’s not okay because Napoleon sells all their firewood
for a stack of fake paper money so he can buy booze
and then the farmer he sold it to shows up with guns and bombs
and blows up their windmill
so now it has exploded TWO TIMES
and since the windmill was the only thing that didn’t suck about animal farm
the animals are pretty sad

but there is this one horse I mentioned before
named Boxer
who is GREAT AT WORKING
and he’s like “IT’S FINE GUYS
LET’S JUST WORK HARDER AND BUILD A THIRD WINDMILL”
but he’s getting to be kind of old
and he has already built two goddamn windmills
so one day he falls down and can’t get up
and Napoleon is like “Oh dang
time to send him to the hospital
by which I definitely do NOT mean sell him to the glue factory
nope nope nope.”
then he buys whiskey with the horse money.

So then Clover’s like “Hey wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against boozing?”
so she goes and looks
but it turns out it really said “No booze
IF YOU’RE A WEENIE.”
so that’s an easy mistake to make.

Anyway time passes
and shit pretty much sucks for everybody but the pigs and their dogs
but nobody complains too much
because it must be better than when the farmer was there, right?
and at least there are no humans on the farm, RIGHT?
but then one day Clover is hanging out by the farmer’s house
(oh yeah, the pigs moved into the farmer’s house
and they sleep in beds
so that rule is out the window too)
when the pigs come sauntering out
on TWO LEGS
DUDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS A RULE AGAINST THAT TOO
ALSO THEY ARE WEARING CLOTHES
WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S NOT COOL
THESE PIGS HAVE NOW BROKEN LITERALLY EVERY RULE
except wait a second
back in the barn where the rules are
it just says “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”
it turns out squealer has been changing the rules THIS WHOLE TIME
this is why you always time stamp your edits.

That night Napoleon invites all the human farmers over
and they all get wasted together and play cards
and the other animals are hanging around dropping mad eaves
and one of the farmers is like “Dude, Napoleon
you are such a good farmer
your animals work harder for less food than ANY OTHER ANIMALS
what’s your secret?”
and Napoleon is like “Uh, totalitarianism?”
and everyone is like “HAHA YEAH!”
and the animals are like “Oh god dammit
are we in a thinly veiled allegory about Russia’s gradual slide into totalitarianism under Stalin?
Fuuuuuuck
why couldn’t we be in a whimsical story about running away and forming a band or something?
this ALWAYS HAPPENS.
But it’s too late
the metaphor is complete
the pigs look exactly like the humans now and everything is terrible.

The moral of the story, of course
is that nothing good ever came of building a windmill
just ask Don Quixote.

The end.

The Musicians of Bremen are Animals With a Bad Retirement Plan

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One time, there’s this donkey
this donkey is OLD
and therefore useless to humans
and since the retirement plan for donkeys is really just murder
this donkey decides he’d rather escape the farm and start a new career
as a musician.

So yes, this donkey is obviously senile
because having thumbs is normally a prerequisite to being a musician
but he manages to escape the farm anyway
and instead of laying low for a while
he heads straight for this town called Bremen
i guess because he’s heard that Bremen is full of dumb people who listen to shitty music
and on the way he sees a dog
this dog is tired
one might even say he is DOG tired?
I did it.
The best joke.
No one has to be funny ever again.

Anyway the donkey is like “Yo wassup dog
why you pantin”
and the dog is like “dude I’m old is what’s up
I don’t wanna run around killing other animals for my boss anymore
so he’s bout to Old Yeller my ass [spoilers]
but I ran away instead
and now I dunno what to do
halp.”
So the donkey is like “Dude!
I’m getting a band together!
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
I’ll play guitar and you can beat the drums
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I LOVE DRUMS
but how are you gonna play guitar without thumbs?”
and the donkey is like “I was sort of thinking we’d be like an alternative noise-rock duo”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
BUT FUCK IT LET’S GO.”

So they keep going and they see a cat
and this cat is PISSED
she’s got a look on her face like three gallons of warm pus
and the donkey is like “Whoah there, beard-licker
[that is actually what he calls her, for some racist reason]
why the stank-face?”
and the cat is like “I’M OLD
I AIN’T WANNA CATCH NO MICE
MY MASTER’S GONNA DROWN ME SO I RAN AWAY
BUT NOW I DUNNO WHERE TO GO
HALP.”
and the donkey is like “Have I told you about my really stupid plan?”
and the cat is like “no, but now I’m interested.”
and the donkey is like “I’m putting a band together
we’re on a mission
FROM GOD
you’re a cat so you’re probably devious as fuck
you can be our manager.”
and the cat is like “Damn right.”

So they keep walking and they run into a rooster
and the rooster is just SCREAMING at the sky
SCREAMING
and the Donkey is like “OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS”
and the rooster is like “Because!
I’m a fucking excellent rooster
I predict good weather and fuck all the hens on time and everything
but my master is still going to kill me for Sunday dinner tomorrow
which is total bullshit because roosters don’t even taste good
so I’m just going to scream until I die.
This is not much different that what I normally do
and actually now that I think about it
this might be the real reason they’re going to kill and eat me
[i owned a rooster once
and this was in fact the real reason we killed and ate him
that, and he was a fucker]”

So the donkey is like “No! No! Christ!
Don’t pollute the countryside with your screaming!
Pollute the STREETS OF BREMEN with your screaming!
I’m putting together an alt noise-rock screamo quartet.
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
JOIN US.”
And the rooster is like “Okay sure”
making him officially the most qualified member of this “band.”

It’s getting late now though, so they have to go to sleep.
Being animals, they don’t mind sleeping outside
but being spoiled animals, they would much rather sleep inside
so when the rooster spots a far off light from the top of a tree
they all agree to go check it out
and guess what? it turns out it is a house
a ROBBERS’HOUSE.
I dunno how they know it’s a robbers’ house
like maybe there’s a big sign
or a bag in the garage that says “SWAG” on it in huge letters
but however they figure it out
they’re definitely right
and they definitely wanna be inside
so the donkey is like “Guys
I’ve got it
this can be our first gig!”

So the donkey stands against the wall
and the dog climbs on his shoulders
and the cat climbs on the dog
and the rooster climbs on the cat
and all at once
they start to make “music”
which amounts to a cacaphonous screeching to rival the orchestras of hell
followed by a lump of meat and feathers and hair crashing through the window
so the robbers
who are fucking HAMMERED
are like “OH SHIT, MEAT GHOSTS”
and they run out of the house
leaving the animals to eat all their food and then go to sleep.
The donkey goes to sleep on a pile of shit in the stable
the dog sleeps behind the door
the cat sleeps behind the stove
and the rooster sleeps up in the rafters.

So the robbers wait out in the woods for a while
until finally they’re like “wait a sec
are you sure that was a ghost?
are you sure that wasn’t just a pile of dumb animals?
someone better go check.”
So one of the robbers goes back to the house
and he thinks the reflection in the cat’s eyes is the embers of the fire
so he tries to light them with a match
which makes the cat tear his fucking face off
so he flips out and runs to the door
where the dog bites his ass
and then he runs past the stable
where the donkey kicks him in the head
and then the rooster starts SCREAMING again
and the robber goes back to his bros like “GUYS:
THERE IS A WITCH BEHIND THE FIRE
SHE CLAWED MY EYES
THEN SOME ASSHOLE STABBED MY ASS
AND AN OGRE HIT MY HEAD WITH A CLUB
AND THEN THERE WAS A JUDGE HIDING IN THE CEILING
WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT ARRESTING US”
which i guess just goes to show how drunk this guy is.

Anyway, after that the robbers never go back to the house
and the animals never end up going to Bremen
because they like their stolen house too much
which just goes to show
that crime is WAY more profitable than music.

The end.

Ravens are Shitty Houseguests

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Ugh so this one time I was in my dorm
it was like midnight
I was cramming for this shitty test
but I wasn’t even really paying much attention tbh
because I was hella sleepy
plus my girl Lenore had just dumped me or died or something
I don’t know exactly, college was kind of a blur…

Anyway all of a sudden I hear someone tapping on my door
and I’m like “who the fuck is it?
just knock like a normal person!”
but it just stops
so I go back to pretending to read
and then it starts again
but like, louder
so I go to the door and I throw it open and I’m like “Is that you Steve?
fuck you Steve
I have a test tomorrow
and I don’t wanna have to take a break from studying to kick your nuts
my time is precious, Steve.”
But nobody is there
not even Steve.
It’s a fucking mystery.

So I close the door and go back to my desk
but then there’s a noise at my WINDOW
and I’m like “There’s no way Steve climbed all the way up here
just to fuck with my window
it’s prolly just the wind”
but I’m pretty freaked out, you know
because I opted for the single occupancy dorm like an idiot
and now everything sounds like murderers
so I’m like “Okay, okay
just gonna open the window and see what’s up
and then laugh when it turns out to be nothing
WHICH IT DEFINITELY WILL.”

So I open the window
and a fucking RAVEN flies in
and lands right on this marble bust of Athena i got to impress chicks with
and I’m like “whoa
a bird
what’s your name, bird?
Did Steve send you?
That fucking guy.”
and the bird is just like “NEVERMORE.”
And I’m like “Wait, what?
Does that mean Nevermore is your name
or that Steve did not in fact send you
because I’m pretty sure both of those are lies.”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “oh, okay, I get it
that’s just the only word you can say.
Man, whoever owns you must be emo as fuck.”
But then I start thinking
holy shit, a talking emo bird
I am going to be like
the coolest dude on campus
all the chicks are going to be so enticed.
But then I remember my ex Lenore
and how she died or broke up with me or whatever
and I start getting all moody
and I’m like “Hey bird
how’s Lenore doing?
Is she having a good time?”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “Dang, that’s harsh.
Tell me, bird, am I ever gonna get laid again?”
and the bird is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “FUCK YOU YOU FLAPPY DIPSHIT
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU
GET OUT OF MY ROOM”
But that raven just looks me right in my hominid face
with his beady soulless eyes
and he’s like “Nevermore.”

So now I have this bird in my room forever.
He’s gloomy as fuck
and not nearly as useful for getting laid as I hoped
so I guess the moral of the story
is don’t let birds into you fucking room.
Come on, this is basic stuff.

The end.

The Sword Of Damocles is Hangin’ Over My Head (THAT AIN’T NO CRIME)

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Today’s mega short myth brought to you by a guy who calls himself
CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
Some advice, captain:
NO ONE is immune to bears
that is sort of the entire point of bears
they made a movie about it, even.

Not being immune to bears is something Captain Bearproof has in common with the characters of this story
which has nothing to do with bears
but like I said
NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS.
Anyway this story is about a tyrant named Dionysis II
who takes over Syracuse
(in Sicily, not in New York)
just so he can party literally all the time.
Big D has a little pal named Damocles
and Damocles is straight up ENCHANTED
by the incessant opulence of Prince Di’s palace
so little D goes to big D and he’s like “Hey man
I love how you party all the time and give literally no shits about anyone else
like that one time when you fucked a rotating carousel of humans
powered by tireless slaves
who you then set on fire
in order to cook bacon you stole from orphans.
Basically, dude
I wanna be you.”
and Dionysis
who is just on TONS of shrooms right now
is like “OH YOU WANNA BE ME, HUH?
OKAY
SLAVES, BRING OUT A GOLDEN COUCH FOR DAMOCLES
BRING OUT THE DIAMOND CAVIAR AND THE COCAINE TUREEN
WHEEL THE BLOWJOB MACHINE ON OVER THERE
AND .. hmm, what else?
OH YEAH
SUSPEND AN INCREDIBLY SHARP SWORD DIRECTLY OVER HIS HEAD BY A SINGLE HORSE HAIR
MAN I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS.”

so Damocles sits down on this couch for some reason
and he tries to enjoy it, he really does
but the cocaine just makes him more paranoid
and he can barely feel the blowjob machine
and you can’t eat diamond caviar
it’s made of diamonds
no one can chew diamonds
just like NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS, CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
LISTEN TO ME
I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Anyway, after like 30 seconds Damocles is like “OKAY, OKAY
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE COUCH ANYMORE
THIS SWORD IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT.”
and Dionysis is like “Ha HA! Just as I thought!
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson!”
and Damocles is like “What?
That life is fragile?
That for the powerful man, there is always danger?
That you shouldn’t ever sit under swords?”
and Dionysis is like “Well that too I guess
but mostly that you don’t get this rich by not being a huge asshole.
I mean it’s not like there’s a sword hanging over MY head.
The analogy is totally shitty.
I just did that to fuck with you.”
Then he probably kills everyone anyway.

The end!