Bodies are Gross

So some lady named Mandar Sharkfist accused me of not having any Aesop’s fables
And while that is a total lie
she did link me to a really good one
so that’s what I’m doing today.

So there’s this complaining sack of organs, right?
All your favorite organs are there
there’s hands and teeth and brain and belly
even your old pal scrotum
it is a party my friends let me tell you
it is a very particular kind of party
the kind of party that is called
BEING A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BODY

but not too functional my friends
oh no no no NO
because much like our old friends the mouse the bird and the sausage
these squishy giblets are suffering from LOW JOB SATISFACTION
everyone is like what the fuck
we have to work our fingers to the bone
or our livers to the bone
or our boners to the um
and meanwhile belly gets to hang out down there
eating all the delicious food and not boning ANYTHING
THIS MUST BE STOPPED
so all these dumb fleshy problem machines decide to fix this
with the magic of collective bargaining

so first the hands stop grabbing food
which means the teeth have nothing to chew
and the scrotum just keeps right on truckin
because there is no way for a scrotum to be more of a nuisance to the body
beyond just continuing to be a functioning scrotum.
basically it all adds up to one comatose body
with an admirably supple ballsack

so yeah, everyone dies
because it turns out you need food to live
and everyone was so focused on fucking over belly
that they forgot to not be stupid
which might not have been helped by the fact that brain went on strike too
then the whole body rots away
or maybe ends up in the belly of something less dumb
and the whole time no one considered going on strike against tongue
even though it gets to taste food AND touch vaginas

so the moral of the story
is that unions are doomed.

THE END.

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Weaselboners

Today’s myth brought to you by
JUMPKICK FLAPJACK, THE KANGAROO LUMBERJACK
actually i was just too lazy to look up the person’s real name
I hope you like your new nickname, Jumpkick
anyway, this is a story about aphrodite fucking people over

Okay so weasels are great
they look like hairy balloon animals
and their name sounds like the noise balloon animals make when you rub them together
and then when you rub weasels together
THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THAT NOISE
or else bite you and run away
I don’t know
I’ve never even seen a weasel in person to be honest
but I’ve seen a lot of balloon animals
and those are great.

All this is to say
that if a weasel suddenly developed a crush on me one day I would try to be understanding
i mean i would still be grossed out
because ew
but I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to things that resemble clown byproducts
(see also: clownfish, juggalos, crying children)
so I would at least let the weasel down easy.
NOT SO FOR THE PROTAGONIST OF OUR TALE
i don’t know what his name is because fuck it
but he’s the kind of jerk who finds himself the unwilling recipient of unsolicited ladyweasleboners
and just FLIPS HIS SHIT
and is like NO NO NO NO EW GROSS NO GO AWAY
and then the lady weasel is like aww
and then she’s like oh man
it’s a good thing I live in an enlightened age where animals can talk
i better use all my talking to pray for aphrodite to come solve my sex problems
YO
APHRODITE
HELP ME PRANK THIS HUMAN DUDE INTO SEXING ME
and aphrodite is ok I’ll be down in a minute
lemme just put some clothes on

so aphrodite shows up and turns the weasel into a hot chick
and the weasel is like OH MAN
HOT CHICK
IT’S GO TIME
so she runs up to the dude from earlier like SEXXXX PLEASEEEE
and the dude is like YOU’RE WELCOME
and then they get married like right there
and they’re about to get freaky
and Aphrodite is like hm
i wonder if there’s still time to fuck this up
oh man
what a silly question
there is always time to fuck everything up
so she’s just like FIZZAM
and turns the lady back into a weasel
and the dude is like AWW COME ON
I HAD MY DICK OUT AND EVERYTHING
WHAT THE FUCK
I DO NOT WANT A WEASEL GETTING HER CHAW ON ALL OVER MY DICK
GET OUT OF HERE YOU CRAZY WEASEL
YOU CRAZY SHAPESHIFTING REVERSE-BESTIALITY WEASEL
GO FIND SOMEONE WHO SHARES YOUR PERVERSE FANTASIES ON THE INTERNET.
so that is what the weasel does, probably

now here is my problem with Aesop’s fables
this dude always provides a moral
and his morals are always WAYYY WRONG
take for example, this one:
if you have an evil nature, it will always be revealed in the end
EVEN IF YOU CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE.
what the fuck?
No!
That’s not what this story is telling us at all.
First of all, weasels aren’t evil. This one just wanted some hot man-lovin’
This story is basically just The Little Mermaid with Ursula replaced by a sex-rampagin’ jerk-goddess
and second of all
terrible people get breast implants EVERY DAMN DAY
AND IT WORKS
MOSTLY ON EQUALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE
the breast implants do not turn into weasels whenever these terrible people get frisky
they stay firm and vaguely breastlike
so I hear.

SO WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT AESOP HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
and we can also agree
that the real moral of the story
is that there is no one hundred percent reliable way
to have sex with animals and have it not be gross.

THE END.

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The Bitch and Her Friend

Yep.

This is one of those stories where I can just transcribe the title directly
and it will sound like I wrote it
not only does it sound like I wrote it
it sounds like story should go something like
“So one time I ran up on this bitch, right
man
she was a HUUUUGE bitch
like, HUGE
but man
MAN
you shoulda seen her friend.”

but no
that is not the story i am going to tell you
this story is a fable and so it is about dogs

so once upon a time there is this bitch
literally a bitch
like in the way you used to use bitch when you were in elementary school
and someone had just called you out on using a dirty word
what i mean to say is
there is a pregnant female dog
and this is not just any pregnant bitch
this bitch is HOMELESS
so she hits up her friend
and her friend is actually a really nice dog
and not a bitch at all
in any sense
and this bitch is like HEY FRIEND
I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH WHILE I POOP OUT THESE PUPPIES
and her friend is like oh sure no problem
you can take my place
I will uh
go be homeless?
(dogs do not place as high a value as we do on having homes
because they are dogs)

so a week later the bitch gives birth
meaning she is no longer a bitch
but actually this just serves to uncover the next layer of her bitchery
because then her friend comes back and she’s like OHHHHH MAN
I AM SO TIRED FROM POOPING ALL THESE TINY DOGS OUT MY WOMB
CAN I CRASH HERE FOR LIKE ANOTHER MONTH OR SO?
and her friend is like uh sure
i don’t really mind being homeless cause I’m a dog
I hear one of my friends just discovered heroin
i may try that out

so then a MONTH passes
and this doglady comes back to her house with a heroin needle all sticking out of her haunch
and she’s like uh hey
i kinda need my place back
I am very sleepy
and her bitch friend is like oh
sure
you can have your place back
IF YOU CAN FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL MY PISSED OFF SONS
because see
her puppies are all grown up now
and vicious and terrible
check and mate

so the moral of the story
is try not to give away your house
I thought we all knew this already.

The end.

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More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

So on the one hand
this semester is almost over
on the other hand
THIS SEMESTER NEVER FUCKING ENDS
so in the interest of going back to sleep
or work or whatever it is I have to do today
here’s a short fable:

So there’s this eagle
he’s on top of the world
real fancydapper motherfucker we got going on here
why is it that these fables always start with an animal having a REALLY GOOD TIME
but by the end of the tale that is NO LONGER THE CASE?
could Aesop not be arsed to save up all the good times for a happy ending
I dunno
MAYBE ONE FUCKING TIME?
let me answer that for you:
nope

okay so this eagle
he’s flying along
and then he gets pegged with an arrow
RIGHT IN THE FACE
so he’s like oh fuck
this is the worst
this is way worse than what happened to that fox that one time
and then he falls out of the sky
and he breaks his everything on the ground
and as he’s dying
he looks at the arrow
and he notices that the feathers on the end
are his OWN
DAMN
FEATHERS
WHOAH

so the moral of the story is supposed to be something like
WE OFTEN GIVE OUR ENEMIES THE MEANS OF OUR OWN DESTRUCTION
but fuck that
how the hell are you gonna stop your feathers from coming out?
or if you’re not a bird
what about hair?
what is going to stop some wiley hunter/voodoo master
from stealing all your hair
and using a combination of street smarts and witchcraft to stab you in the face?
NOTHING, that’s what
except
not having hair
laser hair removal:
that is the REAL moral of the story.

THE END.

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Grapes: Just Not Worth It

Aw Jeez guys
I can’t believe I actually FORGOT to post a myth yesterday
that’s happened like what
FOUR TIMES EVER?
balls
oh well
Tuesday’s a shitty day anyway

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE FABLE YOU MIGHT KNOW

so there’s this fox right
he thinks he’s hot shit
all gallivanting around town
sexin’ up hot ladyfoxes
evading rambunctious dudehounds
(not dudes who are prowling for other dudes
I mean actual hounds
who are of the male persuasion
don’t read anything into that)
basically this fox is doing everything foxes are supposed to do
WITH PANACHE
until one day
he runs up on this tree full of grapes
I was unaware grapes grew on trees
I thought they grew on vines
but whatever
I guess the vines could have climbed the tree or something
seems like a lot of work for some vines though if you ask me
all the vines I know are super lazy
not that I’m generalizing or anything
I’m sure some of you know some very clean and industrious vines
BUT LOOK ANYWAY
this super slick super sassy fox guy
is like HEY GRAPES
HOWSABOUT YOU AND ME HAVE A LITTLE RENDEZVOUS
IN MY STOMACH
wait wait I said that wrong
I do not mean to imply that I will be in my stomach to meet you
i mean that YOU will be in my stomach
and I will be on the outside
digesting you
that’s how that works, right?
yes, ok
SO THE FOX STARTS TAKING RUNNING LEAPS AT THESE GRAPES
but the grapes are WAYYYY up there
because of these supernaturally industrious vines
so he is straight olympic-class failing all over the place
faceplanting so hard he is seeding ACTUAL FACEPLANTS
and finally he stops
and he wipes the blood off his face
and he’s like fuck this
I bet those are sucky grapes anyway
I bet they suck real bad
and then he goes home and he doesn’t talk about this to anybody

so the moral of the story
is foxes shouldn’t be vegetarians

THE END.

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This is why I’m not friends with any ants

Okay so grasshoppers, right?

this story has one of them
also one ant
also more ants
it is called
THE STORY OF THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT(s)
(haha
i almost typed “asshopper and the grant”
hehe butts)

so anyway, this grasshopper
he’s hopping the fuck out of some grass
but other than that he’s pretty much being worthless
just hangin’ around with his little grasshopper dick in his hands
doin’ nothing
and meanwhile
here comes this ant
lugging a WHOLE ENTIRE EAR OF CORN
which is a lot of corn for such a tiny ant
and the grasshopper is like hey ant
where are you going with all that corn
it looks heavy
how about instead of that you come have a party with me
we can get fucked up and watch this grass grow
I have been hopping all over it all day and let me tell you my friend
this is some primo grass we got going on
and the ant is like dude
I ain’t got time for that shit
I am hauling this corn back to antsville
where we will store it for winter
so that we can distill it into ant-ethanol
to power our ant cars
also for food
and the grasshopper is like BOOOOOOOO-RINNNNNGGGGGG
dude that is so boring
I think i just had a snoregasm
HEYOOOOO
and then he goes to the liquor store and buys like nine 4locos
and wakes up with his face halfway through a hooker and it’s winter now
and he’s like HOLY SHIT
IT’S WINTER
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET FOOD
OH I KNOW
I’LL GO ASK MY BUDDY THE ANT
but when he gets to antsville
all the ants just roll up the windows of their ant cars as they drive by
and shake their smug little ant heads
and then the grasshopper dies and trees eat his frozen corpse

So the moral of the story
is it may seem like a good idea to make industrious friends
so you can mooch off them later
but actually it is probably better to just make friends who are as lazy as you
because then when winter comes
maybe they will die first and you can eat them

THE END.

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I got fired from my job today

Listen guys
I know the myths I have been posting lately have kind of sucked pretty bad
but the good news is I will have more time to post sucky myths
now that I got fired from my shitty restaurant job
so here’s a myth about another guy who is bad at his job

so there’s this guy right?
a boy, actually
and his job is to watch a whole bunch of sheep all day
and make sure they don’t catch fire or run away
it is a boring job because sheep are boring
like, just being a sheep would be boring
so imagine how boring it would be to WATCH sheep
you don’t even get to be fluffy
so obviously this boy is pretty fed up with this shit
I mean he’s afraid to even count these fuckers in case it causes him to fall asleep
so instead what he decides to do
is start screaming real loud
like HOLY SHIT GUYS
THERE’S A WOLF UP HERE RIGHT NOW
HE’S MURDERING THE SHEEP COME QUICK COME QUICK
and all the village people come running up the hill
like YOUNG MAN
TELL US WHERE IS THE WOLF
and the boy is like HAHA I FOOLED YOU GUYS
MAN, WATCHING YOU ASSHOLES RUN UP THE HILL HAS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY
LOOK AT YOU
YOU LOOK SO STUPID IN YOUR HARDHATS AND POLICE UNIFORMS
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
WE ARE GOING BACK HOME

so the boy sits up on his hill
and he gets bored again pretty quick
so ten minutes later he starts screaming GUYS GUYS GUYS
THE WOLF IS HERE FOR REAL THIS TIME
HE HAS LIKE
AN UZI AND SHIT
IT IS CHAOS UP HERE I NEED BACKUP
and the village people come marching up the hill like YOUNG MAN
IS THE WOLF EVEN HERE?
and the boy’s like NO MAN
GOD YOU GUYS LOOK SO QUEER
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
FUCK YOU
and they leave

and then ten minutes later a REAL WOLF shows up
mauling the boring right off of these sheep
and the boy is like SAVE ME VILLAGE PEOPLE
but the village people have had enough of this lad’s bullshit
so they don’t even bother to show up until like next morning
when all the sheep are dead
and the kid is like WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU COME UP HERE LAST NIGHT?
and the village people are like WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL EMPLOYED AS A SHEPHERD?
good questions all around
then everyone starves in the winter because no sheep

so the moral of the story
is don’t ever have fun at your job
or everyone will die

the end.

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