Zal and Rudabeh is like Romeo and Juliet but Nobody Dies???

Hey rascals
I hope you guys had a good labor day
I don’t remember mine so i’m sure I did
anyway today’s myth is from Iran
and was originally written down in a book
called the SHAHNAMEH
which is the PERSIAN BOOK OF KINGS

okay check it out:

so there’s this dude named Zal
he’s a prince of a part of the Persian empire.
A little background on Zal:
he was born with white hair and a baby beard
he looked like an old man baby, it was gross
so his dad Sam was like “ew get this gross baby away from me”
and left him in the wilderness
where he was raised by a magic bird
and eventually he became a great hero and his dad decided to love him
but he still has weird white hair so that’s always gonna be a thing.

Anyway Zal decides to spend some time strutting around his kingdom
and he ends up near a city called Kabol
which I assume is the same as modern day Kabul
but who knows?
anyway the prince of Kabol, Mehrab, comes to hang out with him
they party hard and it’s great
but then some courtier has to start flapping his dumb mouth
like “psst Zal I hear Mehrab has a hot daughter”
and Zal is like “FUCK”
and then Mehrab, who has no idea what’s going on
is like “hey bro do you want to crash at my house?
you know
the place where my hot daughter lives?”

so what do you think Zal does?
Does he
maybe
crash at Mehrab’s place so he can bang Mehrab’s smokin’ progeny?
uh no
that would be crass
instead he’s like “look dude I’m flattered
but we’re from totally different religious backgrounds
my dad is a king of Persia
your grandfather was a madman with snakes coming out of his shoulders
our families have fought each other since time immemorial
life is crazy
I think i’ll just remain here in my opulent tent, thanks.”
and Mehrab is like “ok fair enough”

so Mehrab goes back to his hot daughter Rudabeh
and Rudabeh is like “Hey
I heard Zal is out there
you know, the dude who was born as an old-man baby
what’s he like, is he gross?”
and Mehrab is like “omg he is definitely not gross
if there was a miss America pageant
but for men instead of women
and for Iran instead of America
well
the competition would probably have to be altered due to cultural factors
and gender norms
and also the fact that we don’t have televisions or sequins yet
but anyway I think he’d have a pretty good shot”
and Rudabeh is like “FUCK”

so what does she do?
does she steal away in the night
to fling herself into the arms of a lover she barely knows?
no, that would be irrational.
she sends a group of servants to hang out by a pond
where she’s pretty sure Zal will be
so they can find out if he’s cute
and they come back like “OMG HE SO IS.
IF THERE WAS A VERSION OF THE BACHELOR
BUT WITH ONE WOMAN AND A BUNCH OF MEN
AND YOU WERE THE WOMAN
AND HE WAS ONE OF THE MEN
ODDS ARE GOOD THAT YOU WOULD PICK HIM
even though he has weird hair”
and she’s like “yowza
tell that albino to get his lily white ass over here”

So Zal shows up at the walls of the palace that night
and Rudabeh is standing on the battlements
and he’s like “hey babe
i’m finding it difficult to smooch you from all the way down here”
and she throws her long luscious hair down over the walls
and she’s like “here, climb this.”
So what do you think he does?
does he scramble up this living rope ladder
forcing her to support his entire weight with her neck
while he simultaneously yanks on her scalp?
NO
THAT WOULD BE CRUEL
he brought a ROPE
because he’s not a fucking savage.

Anyway they spend the night making out
and in the morning Zal has to leave
because remember
his dad and Rudabeh’s dad are mortal enemies
but he can’t deal with this shit
so what do you think he does?
does he arrange to marry Rudabeh under cover of night
and then escape to somewhere far away and live in poverty?
No, that would be impractical.
He writes a letter to his dad Sam
like “Hey, remember how you abandoned me to be raised by birds
and then you felt bad and said you’d do whatever I wanted
welp
cashing in that dumb promise now”
and his dad is like “FUCK
this is EXACTLY the kind of dumb shit a kid raised by birds would think of
but I guess that’s sort of my fault
shit”
so he calls up his astronomers
to tell him if this is a good idea
and they’re all like “actually yeah
Zal and Rudabeh’s kid will be like the greatest hero ever
this is a win-win for you”
so Sam sends a letter to Zal like “yeah okay sure”

Meanwhile, though
Rudabeh’s mom Sindokht figures out what’s up
like, how her daughter’s about to marry their age-old enemy’s son
and she
well
she’s actually super reasonable about it
which would be surprising
if it weren’t for the fact
THAT EVERYBODY IS BEING SUPER REASONABLE IN THIS STORY
it’s like WHAT THE FUCK, PERSIA
DID YOU FORGET THAT MYTHS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MURDER AND INCEST?
IS YOUR WHOLE COUNTRY JUST FULL OF KIND, CONSIDERATE PEOPLE
ALL OPENING DOORS FOR EACH OTHER AND NOT CLIMBING EACH OTHERS’ HAIR???
this is bullshit

anyway Sindokht goes to Mehrab like “hey husband
our hot daughter wants to marry Zal”
and Mehrab is like “I WILL MURDER HER”
FINALLY SOMEBODY IS BEING UREASONABLE
except Sindokht is like “Why don’t you sleep on it, honey
and in the meantime I’ll go see what Sam thinks of all this?”
and Mehrab
INFURIATINGLY
is like “yeah that sounds like a good idea.”

MEANWHILE, THOUGH
the high king of all Persia hears about this shit
and he’s like “SERIOUSLY?
HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN
THAT RUDABEH
IS DESCENDED
FROM A DUDE
WHO HAD BRAIN-EATING SNAKES
COMING OUT OF HIS SHOULDERS???
THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP THIS
AND THAT BURNING KABOL TO THE GROUND.”
which is just like, phew, right?
I thought I was gonna have to witness a happy marriage
and not a bloody massacre
BUT THEN SAM WRITES THE KING A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER
AND ZAL DELIVERS IT
AND THE POWER OF HIS LOVE
COUPLED WITH THE ASTONOMER’S PROPHECY
AND ZAL’S WISE RESPONSES TO A SERIES OF WEIRD FREE-ASSOCIATION RIDDLES
CONVINCE EVEN KING ASSHOLE OF PERSIA
THAT THESE TWO KIDS SHOULD BE MARRIED
FUCK THIS
JUST FUCK THIS
FUCK

anyway yeah they get married
literally everyone is happy about it so it goes awesome
everyone gives each other stupid expensive gifts
and true to the prophecy
Zal and Rudabeh have a magnificent son named Rostam
who goes on to accidentally murder his teenaged son during a duel
so I guess it all works out in the end.

The moral of the story
is that communication between enemy states
is essential to every relationship.

The end.

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Shahmaran is Probably Delicious

First of all I just want to say
that whoever is responsible for all of these spam comments
that have suddenly started appearing on my site
I hope your nuts catch on fire
so that your only hope of saving yourself from total immolation
is to punch yourself in the balls OVER AND OVER AGAIN
when I walk down the street now
I am pointing a magnifying glass at EVERYONE I SEE
just in case one of them is you and I have an opportunity to immolate your battersatchels.

SO THERE’S THIS DUDE TAHMASP

He’s just a regular woodcutting guy
and you may have noticed that highly irregular things tend to happen to woodcutters in these stories
and this story is NO EXCEPTION
right out the gate, Tahmasp is walking with his friends in the woods
and they find a WELL FULL OF HONEY
So being an adventurous wood-cutty dude
Tahmasp climbs down into the well to help dig all the honey out
and he hands all of it to his friends
AND THEN THEY FUCKING DITCH HIM
no one told me that big sacks of honey made people forget the meaning of friendship
this may be helpful for my evil schemes…

anyway, now Tahmasp is stuck in this well
and he can’t get out
but luckily this well has a hole in it
so he stabs his knife in that hole, over and over again
until it gets big enough for him to crawl through
and he emerges in a chamber FULL OF SNAKES
GREAT
AT LEAST BEFORE, HE WAS SURROUNDED BY HONEY RESIDUE
NOW ALL OF THE HONEY IS GONE AND HE IS TRAPPED WITH SNAKES
QUICK RULE OF THUMB:
IF YOU ARE EVER IN AN UNDERGROUND SITUATION THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN INDIANA JONES SHIT HIS PANTS
YOU ARE BEYOND HELP, MY FRIEND

Except i guess things are not as bad as my yelling would imply
because in the middle of all these snakes
is a Shahmaran
which is basically like a mermaid
but with snake instead of fish
WAIT, HOW DOES THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER?
Oh, because the Shahmaran is actually pretty chilled out
she’s like what up dude
welcome to my cave full of snakes
would you like some breakfast?
and Tahmasp is like HELL YESS SEXY SNAKE LADY

so they have breakfast
and Shahmaran keeps Tahmasp entertained by telling him a LOT of stories about shit
I mean
not about actual literal shit
but about history and stuff like that
and Tahmasp finds this fascinating
just like he finds breakfast fascinating
just like anyone would find stories and breakfast fascinating after being TRAPPED IN A WELL
so they fall in love
due to what is known as the Stockholm Syndrome
but then Shahmaran runs out of stories and Tahmasp is like fuck this, I’m out of here
i think I even have a family or something?
And Shahmaran is like aww
well, I respect your decision
I guess I should have been more entertaining
can you at least make sure not to tell anybody where I live?
I hear people like to eat Shahmaran meat in order to gain ultimate wisdom
and that would sort of ruin my day if it happened to me
and Tahmasp is like yeah, no problem
and Shahmaran is like by the way
all of that boning that we did gave you this weird STD
that makes your skin turn into snake scales whenever you take a bath
so try not to take a bath with any other dudes
or else they will know that we boned
and Tahmasp is like …okay
I mean, I wasn’t planning on taking baths with a bunch of dudes
but thank you for the heads up I guess

So Tahmasp goes back to society
and he assiduously avoids bathing with any dudes
(assiduous: constant; unremitting
for all of you who are reading my blog instead of studying for the GRE)
but then something dumb happens:
the king gets sick
and his evil advisor
(why do kings always have these?)
is like hey king
I know this sounds like a long shot
but I have it on highly suspicious authority
that the only prescription for your fever is Shahmaran meat
and the king is like okay well there’s an intelligent way of attacking this problem:
let’s just have all of the dudes in the kingdom bathe together
and first of all that will be super hotttt
and second of all, then we will know who has banged a Shahmaran and we can torture them

so the secret police round everybody up and force them to take a bath
which is nice for everybody except Tahmasp
whose skin turns into snake scales
and then his wife leaves him
and then to top it all off he gets TORTURED
until he reveals where the Shahmaran lives
so they go grab her
and Tahmasp is like I AM SOOO SORRY
THEY DID THIS THING WHERE THEY STUCK A PEAR IN MY BUTT
IT HURT SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
and the Shahmaran is like no worries, dude
I understand
sometimes you just gotta betray a sacred trust
no big deal
but let me tell all you guys a secret:
my head
is TOTALLY POISONOUS
anyone who eats it will die instantly
but my tail:
FULL OF WISDOM
so of course the evil adviser immediately cuts her torso off and eats her tail
and then she dies
and Tahmasp is so bummed out about this that he decides to kill himself
BY EATING THE SHAHMARAN’S HEAD
GROSSSSSSSS
THERE HAVE GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS TO KILL YOURSELF, DUDE
THERE IS A SWORD
IN THE FUCKING ROOM
but it turns out Tahmasp made the right decision
because then the evil adviser dies
and Tahmasp gets ultimate wisdom
and the king dies of leukemia because no one was actually trying to cure his disease this whole time

so the moral of the story
is do not take dietary advice from anyone who lives in a cave and encourages cannibalism

THE END.

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Rustum and Sohrab Have Some Family Problems

Okay so we were talking about Iran

that’s good because apparently a lot of crazy shit goes down in Iran
or at least it used to
back in the good old days where lots of crazy shit went down basically everywhere
but anyway yeah this particular crazy shit takes place in Iran

so there’s this guy in this war
the guy’s name is Sohrab
and the war doesn’t have a name
because at this point in history everything is wars
so Sohrab has a serious case of insomnia
and right around dawn he ends up waking up the commander of his army
(the army of the Tartars, by the way)
and being like Peran-Wisa
this war is great and all
but I am really more interested in locating my absentee father
his name is Rustum and he is a super famous sword dude
could you maybe consider cancelling the war tomorrow
and just challenging the Persians
(those are the dudes they are fighting)
to some single combats with me?
the way I look at it it’s a win-win
see either I win and I get famous and then Rustum hears about how great his son is
OR
I lose and I die
oh wait that actually sounds more like a win-lose
whatever same difference
and Peran-Wisa is like you know this is a really dumb plan right?
you could probably do something less dumb
like put up posters or post on missed connections or something
but oh well I guess I wanted a vacation from this war anyway
sure
go nuts

so a couple hours later
when everybody is all awake and prepared for war
Peran Wisa steps out in front of his army and he’s like yo guys
no war today
war is cancelled
instead we are going to watch Sohrab do something suicidally reckless
HEY PERSIANS
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANYONE FOR SOHRAB TO BE SUICIDALLY RECKLESS AT
and the Persians
who are just now getting ready to stab their daily quota of Tartans
are like oh titbiscuits
if we say no we’re gonna look like total pussies
but if we say yes then Sohrab is gonna spearfuck a bloody ravine through our champion
OH WAIT
LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT THE GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE WORLD ON OUR SIDE
HIS NAME IS RUSTUM AND HE JUST SECRETLY ARRIVED YESTERDAY
HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN

so the Persians send a dude to go wake up Rustum
who is just jerkin’ off with his tent
eating gourmet meets and manhandling a falcon
this is what happens when you become a famous war guy
so yeah the messenger is like yo Rustum
there’s a dude out there who wants to fight a dude
do you wanna be that dude?
and Rustum is like no find a different dude
i’m busy jerkin’ it and manhandling this falcon
and the messenger is like oh i’m sorry
there must be a magician in this camp
who saw that I was trying to hit up Rustum the immortal war champion
and bamboozled me into visiting the tent of Rustum the UNBELIEVABLE WUSSNEXUS
boy that magician sure did a number on us didn’t he buddy
well i’ll just be leaving now
and Rustum is like FINE
I’LL DO IT
BUT I’M GONNA DO IT IN DISGUISE
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
and the messenger is like sure dude
whatever tickles your taint

so Rustum puts on some super anonymous armor and he goes out to the battlefield
and Sohrab sees him
and he INSTANTLY recognizes him as Rustum the immortal war dude
and he runs up to him like OH SHIT RUSTUM IS THAT YOU?
and Rustum is like hmm
if I tell him it’s me
he’s probably gonna shit himself with fear and then try and get me to accept gifts
and then boast to all his friends
that only the immortal war dude Rustum had the balls to challenge him
and that he bought me off with gifts
FIGGITY FUCK THAT
so he’s like NO BITCH I AIN’T NO RUSTUM
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?
THE DUDE WHO IS ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE CHEST
and then they proceed to kung fu fight
but with sharp metal objects instead of kung fu

so basically Rustum is super strong
he is so strong he wields a fucking TREE as a club
but Sohrab is super fast
and so he just ends up dodging everything Rustum can throw at him
and getting his sword up against Rustum’s throat and being like alright dude
i think we’ve both made our respective points
yours being that you suck and mine being that I am awesome and i kicked your ass
I don’t really want to fight you that bad though
how about instead we adjourn to my tent and get shitfaced
and Rustum is like BOY
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PRANCY-FANCE SISSY-BOY DODGING
WHASSAMATTER TUMBLECUNT?
WORRIED YOU MIGHT BREAK A NAIL?
HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOUR FAAAAAAAAAACE
and Sohrab is like fuck well okay I guess
and then they fight again

but see this time the battle is so intense that even NATURE gets excited
the sky starts shitting thunderbolts
and the river starts having a siezure
and then Rustum’s horse starts screaming
not whinnying, mind you
SCREAMING
and then Rustum gets so pissed off he turns into a pokemon
and just starts yelling RUSTUMMMMMM
and Sohrab is like OH SHIT DID SOMEONE SAY RUSTUM?
HOW DID THEY KNOW THAT THAT IS THE MAGIC WORD THAT MAKES ME DROP MY WEAPONS?
so he does and then Rustum stabs him
and that’s the end of that super dramatic battle

So Sohrab is lying in the dirt
dying
and he’s like my only regret
is that I totally never got to see my dad who I love so much
his name is Rustum maybe you have heard of him
and Rustum is like BULLSHIT
RUSTUM DIDN’T HAVE NO SONS
and Sohrab is like dude
Rustum is a goddamn war SUPERSTAR
you think he didn’t get a little poontang on the side?
I assure you he did my friend
he got poontang on ALL THE SIDES
and I am the result of some of that poontang
although I guess it is possible my mom told Rustum I was a girl
because she was afraid Rustum would train me for wars?
here look I even have Rustum’s name tattooed on my arm
what more proof do you need
and so rustum sees that shit
and he’s like FUUUUUUUUCK
THIS IS SO PREDICTABLY IRONIC
NOW I GOTTA BURY MY SON AND MOURN AND SHIT
and his son is like oh yeah
also
make sure to be double famous to make up for the fact that I’m dead now
and Rustum is like FUUUUUCK
FINE
I mean I’ll try
but I’m already getting poontang on all the sides
it is hard to upgrade from that
and Sohrab is like well you gotta try man
maybe upgrade to 4 dimensional shapes or something
just
tryyyy…
and then he dies
and Rustum lets the whole Tartan army go and doesn’t murder any of them
and then he mourns about his son and it’s awful

so the moral of the story
is you can either have sex indiscriminately
OR kill indiscriminately
doing both is a recipe for dramatic irony

the end

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