Monthly Archives: March 2016

Thor Has Anger Management Issues But We Knew This

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At the behest of Patreon
today I will be filling in some holes in the story of Baldur’s death
as originally told by cowardly murder victim Snorri Sturluson
(hehe holes)
(I’m sorry)
(I didn’t want to turn this opening paragraph into sexual innuendo)
(do you ever feel like you’re trapped in your life?)
(like every successive boner joke sucks out a little more of your life force?)
(hehe, suck)

Right so Baldur is dead
we covered this years ago
but what we didn’t talk about
was his FUNERAL
WOOO FUNNNNNN

okay I was being sarcastic when i said woo fun
but actually the funeral is pretty dope
I mean you guys know what a viking funeral is right?
it’s when you put a dead body in a boat
and then set the boat on fire
aka THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO BE CREMATED

obviously Baldur is a viking so he is getting a viking funeral
but the problem is that Baldur is the most viking viking ever
which would not be a problem if he was alive obviously
but is a problem now because he has THE BIGGEST BOAT IN THE WORLD
his boat even has a NAME i don’t give a shit about
so the gods load Baldur’s body into the boat
but then they’re like “shit
how are we going to get this boat into the water?”
and Thor’s like “Uh, hey”
and the gods are like “If only one of us was strong enough to push it”
and Thor’s like “Hello guys, hey”
and the gods are like “Hmm … looks like we’re going to need a giantess for this”
and Thor’s like “HEY COME ON.”

But they do it
they invite a giantess named Hyrrokin
and she shows up riding a wolf
with DEADLY SNAKES as a bridle
probably wearing a leather jacket and smoking like 9 cigarettes
and Thor is like “Somebody’s trying a little too hard”
but nobody hears him because the motor on Hyrrokin’s wolf is too loud

So then Hyrrokin gets off her wolf
and Odin sends four berserkers to hold it
(and remember
berserkers are the elite viking warriors who are SO VIOLENT
that if you’re sending them into battle
you better make sure there are enough enemies to kill
because if there aren’t, they’ll make up the quota with your dudes)
and the four berserkers can’t calm the wolf down
without beating it totally fucking senseless
so Hyrokkin walks away from this bloody wolf melee
not even looking back
takes off her shades
and is like “Yo
Somebody call for a boat moving specialist?”
and everybody’s like “SO COOL”
and Thor is like “I mean i have a hammer only I can lift but whatever”

Then Hyrrokin goes up to the boat
and she’s like “Haha is this the boat you need moved?
I almost didn’t see it because it’s SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
it’s like a rowboat had a baby with another, smaller rowboat
fucking adorable
now watch this drive”
and she punches that boat into the water SO HARD
that the logs they put under the boat to help it go into the water
CATCH FUCKING FIRE
and there’s an EARTHQUAKE
and Hyrrokin is like “Wow that was easy
what’s next?
yall got some jars you need opened or anything?”
and Thor’s like “I’LL OPEN YOUR JAR YOU FUCKING SHOW-STEALER”
but before he can whip out his hammer everybody’s like “Whoa dude
chill out
don’t know what you’ve got against our cool new best friend Hyrrokin
no need to get mad
just because she was literally the only one strong enough to do this”
and Thor is like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALRIGHT THEN
JUST GONNA BLESS THIS FUNERAL PYRE WITH MY HAMMER THEN
YOU KNOW
THE HAMMER I HAVE BECAUSE I’M THE STRONGEST”
and everyone’s like “Cool dude whatever”

Then Baldur’s wife is really sad for some reason
so she throws herself on the fire and immediately dies
and they throw Baldur’s horse in the fire too
and that golden ring that shits out other rings
so basically all their best stuff
and during the ceremony
Thor kicks a dwarf named Litur into the fire too
and nobody says anything about it
because fuck dwarves.

So the moral of the story
is next time you go to a funeral
show up riding a fucking wolf

the end

Lugh the Long Handed is Born in an Irish Cowfight

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Okay so Saint Patrick’s day just happened two weeks in a row
or maybe I’m just seeing double
or experiencing holidays in double
the point is i’ve finally sobered up
and I feel like it’s high time I did another celtic myth

This story is about a dude called Lugh the Long Handed
I talked about him before a long time ago
he’s good at everything
and he probably fingerbangs like a pro thumb wrestler
but today we’re gonna walk it back a little bit
and talk about how dude gets born
THE STORY WILL FEEL SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR

So Balor of the Evil Eye is a sack of shit
He got a death potion in his eye when he was little
because his dad was cooking meth without proper ventilation
and now whenever he gives someone the stink eye
the stink levels are straight lethal
so he actually has his eyelid pierced
with an ivory hoop
and it keeps his eye closed all the time
and whenever he wants to kill someone
one of his bros has to lift the ring
sort of like cyclops from the X-Men
but infinitely more of an asshole

Balor owns a glass tower on an island
plus a bunch of other shit
all of which used to belong to other people
because when you can stare death at people at will
you can kind of take whatever the fuck you want
so Balor is cruising around in his boat
aiming to become Ireland’s next top dick chef
when he runs up on a druid
and the druid is like “hey dude
you’re gonna die”
and Balor is like “NUH UH”
and the druid is like “yuh huh
but it’s okay
you’re gonna die by your grandson’s hand
and your grandson isn’t even born yet
so you’ve got a while.”
and Balor is like “A while, eh?
How about FOREVER”
and the druid is like “uhhhh good luck???”

So Balor does the usual thing
he chucks his daughter Ethlinn in the glass tower
along with twelve handmaidens
whose job is to keep Ethlinn from ever even knowing what a dick is
this plan
if the Greeks have taught us anything
is extremely solid and has no flaws.

Irish mythology is different from Greek shit though
because there aren’t a bunch of dieties swinging dick all over the sky
Plus Ethlinn is in a glass tower with handmaidens
and not an open-roofed trash hut with NO ONE
so security is significantly tighter
but what Balor gains in security
he makes up for in being an asshole

See, Balor basically takes his daughter’s imprisonment
as a “never-gonna-die-forever” pass
so he just goes on stealing shit and killing people
with no fear of repercussion
and it seems like he’ll just be able to pull this shit off forever
WHEN SUDDENLY
A COW GETS INVOLVED

Basically there are these 3 brothers
Goibniu, Samthainn, and Cian
Cian is going to be the main guy
because his name is by far the easiest to spell
and also because he owns the cow in question
this cow is so special it has a fucking name
and not Bessie or Udders McGee
but THE GLAS GIABHENN
and what’s so special about this cow?
she … gives milk
but like
all the time though
whole gallons of the stuff, for real.
You never know what peole will be impressed by in these stories
like on the one hand
you have a dude who can kill people with his eye
on the other hand
you have a cow that gives milk
it’s a mixed bag.

So apparently most irish cows are just udder garbage
because EVERYBODY wants this magical milk-giving cow
but only one person can have her
because of capitalism
of course Balor the Buttlord thinks the owner should be him
so he’s just waiting for his chance to jack that beef

one day he gets his chance
when Cian and Samthainn go to Giobniu’s place
because Giobniu is a smith and they all need swords
but Giobniu isn’t running a fucking charity
his forge is strictly BYOS
(Bring Your Own Steel. Common smithing acronym)
so Cian and Samthainn have both brought some steel
and Cian has also brought along his cow
because he can’t just leave the cow unattended
there are not a lot of anti-theft measures that work on cows
like you can’t just lock a club through its steering column
because only boy cows can be steers

ANYWAY
Cian goes inside to talk to Giobniu
and he leaves Samthainn outside to watch the cow
which is when Balor Blundercock decides to but his ass in
he disguises himself using SHAPESHIFTING MAGIC
which I GUESS HE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME???
what the fuck
Balor has a save-or-die eyeball effect AND shapeshifting?
Nerf Balor

oh but I guess it’s okay
because he just turns into a little redheaded boy
not a dragon or an ogre or a wizard or anything
and then he goes up to Samthainn and he’s like “yo man
I just heard your brothers totally dissing on you
they said you were a sucker chump
and they were gonna use all your steel to make themselves swords
and then make YOU a sword out of crappy iron”
and Samthainn is like “OH SHIT GOTTA GO INTERFERE
HERE, TOTAL STRANGER
TAKE HOLD OF THIS COW EVERYBODY WANTS”
and then he runs inside
and Cian is like “WHAT THE FUCK WHO’S WATCHING THE COW?”
and Samthainn is like “Oh just some trustworthy young lad”
and Cian runs outside
just in time to see Balor Ballsfiend run off with the cow
and Cian palms his face so hard it comes off
and Giobniu has to smith it back on.

Now Cian is pissed
like, he doesn’t even want the cow back
the cow was really just a regular cow
but he’s gotta fuck with Balor’s shit somehow
so first he goes to a druid to ask what to do
and the druid is like “Balor can’t be killed
except by his grandson”
and Cian is like “Ok…”
and the druid is like “Yeah”
and Cian is like “Anything else?”
and the druid is like “Uh not really”
and Cian is like “fuck this I’ma talk to a lady druid.”
so he goes and finds a lady druid named Birog
OF THE MOUNTAIN
and she’s like “Oh I can TOTALLY help you fuck with Balor’s shit
and what better shit to fuck with
than his daughter???”
And Cian is like “You mean I get to fulfill a prophecy
AND piss off Balor
AND get laid, all at the same time?
SIGN
ME
THE
FUCK
UP”

So Birog dresses Cian in drag
and then uses wind powers to teleport them to Balor’s island
and tells all the handmaidens “yo this is a queen
she’s one of the Tuatha de Danaan
who are all magic as fuuuuck
and she’s looking for a place to lay low for a while
can you hook her up?”
and the handmaidens know better than to fuck with the Tuatha de
so they let them in
and then Birog knocks them all out with magic
and then Cian goes up to Ethlinn’s room
and Ethlinn is like “OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN”
and they fuck pretty hard
but then Cian is like “lol i was really just here to prank your dad
bye”
and then Birog uses the wind to whisk him away again
leaving Ethlinn pregnant in her dad’s glass castle

This is a bad place to be pregnant
because as soon as she gives birth to the baby
her dad is like “Noooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyy
and drowning babies isn’t like a big step for him
so he just has some people take the baby to be drowned
but they put the baby in a really shitty bag
and he falls out into the water too early
and everybody’s like “ah it’s probably fine
babies are terrible swimmers
it’s one of a long list of things they are terrible at
honestly why do we even put up with babies
babies are great if you like
need a bunch of shit on your hands
but you’re too impatient to wait for your own shit
I can think of literally no other application for babies.”
then they all go home and get hammered

BUT THE BABY SURVIVES
MOSTLY DUE TO BIROG’S WIND MAGIC
so she brings the baby to Cian
and Cian is like “what is this?
a baby?
nope
don’t want it”
and he gives it to some lady named Taillte to raise
and that baby’s name is Lugh
and he grows up to be good at everything
but that’s a story for another time

the moral of the story
is if some dude steals your cow
revenge-fuck his daughter.
you know
an eye for an eye.

The end.

Turtles on Turtles on Turtles

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Quick one today
because Saint Patrick’s day comes a week early in Chicago
and I’ve still got a hell of a hangover to sleep off

So some scientist is giving a lecture
there are people who like to say it was Bertrand Russel
but that’s boring
I say it was Bill Nye the Science Guy

So Bill Nye is doing a demonstration about the solar system
he’s got a golf ball that represents the earth
and it’s on a little electric train
on a little electric train track
going around a bowling ball he’s spraypainted to look like the sun
and that’s all on top of a big metal disk
attached to a robot arm
that’s twirling around a nonstop lightshow of LEDs and tissue paper
that represents the milky way
it’s dope and there are sound effects

so this lecture is finished
everyone has learned a lot and people are getting ready to go
when suddenly this old lady stands up in the back
and she’s like “YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT BILL NYE
EVERYBODY KNOWS THE EARTH IS A PLATE FULL OF WATER AND DIRT
SUPPORTED ON THE BACK OF A TURTLE
A SPAAAAACE TUUUUURTLLLEEEE”

So Bill Nye is like “what the fuck
are they just letting anyone walk into my lectures now?
ma’am with all due respect you are a big idiot
like let’s say you’re right
let’s say the world was slapped together
with all the care and attention of a first grade science fair project
the world is balanced on a turtle
but what the fuck is the turtle balanced on?
OH THAT’S RIGHT
NOTHING
WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?
UNDER THE TURTLE MAYBE?
*FUCK* YOU, LADY”

The lady seemingly doesn’t realized how served she just got though
she just looks him right in his piercing brown eyes
and she’s like “Another turtle
and under that turtle is another turtle
and on and on like that forever
except for on level 6 million or so
which is just a giant jar of suck my dick”
then she drops a mic nobody knew she was holding
and she out

the moral of the story is screen your lecture guests

the end

This Turkish Princess Gets a Little Salty

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Somebody was kind enough to actually translate a story from Turkish
just so I could ruin it on my website
it’s from Turkey
and it is about REVENGE

Okay so there’s this sultan
he has three daughters
and he is very insecure
so he calls all his daughters in
and he’s like “Hey daughters, pop quiz:
(get it because I am your father)
how much do you love me?
answer using hyperbolic comparisons please”

So the first daughter is like “I love you as much as the whole world”
which is objectively false
because that would have to mean that she has absolutely zero love
for anything in the world that is not her father
but it sure makes the sultan happy.
The second daughter is like “I love you more than my mom’s womb”
which is not a great answer
because she only spent nine months up in there
before violently busting out.
But then the third daughter tops both of them
by being like “I love you as much as SALT”
and her dad is like “WHAT???
SALT?!?!?!?!
FUCK SALT.
What a shitty answer
for that shitty answer
I will now have you killed”
And the third daughter is like “wait what?”

But it’s too late
now she’s getting dragged up onto a hill by an executioner
and he’s like “Yeah sorry I have to kill you
you seem cool
what did you even do?”
and she’s like “I said I loved my dad as much as salt”
and the executioner is like “seriously?
I mean okay, that’s a weird thing to say
but I’m not sure it merits an execution?????
No fuck this
just give me your shirt
I’m going to smear a wild beast’s blood all over it
and give it to your dad
he won’t bother to fact check, he’s a busy man
also INSANE
you go do you, princess.”

So the princess goes walking down the road
topless and weeping
which is why when she arrives at the next town
some rich dude immediately gives her a job as a house servant
where she works until she grows up and becomes extremely pretty
at which point some random prince sees her
and they get married because that’s how shit goes

So she’s worked her way back up to princess status
and she’s hanging out with her royal husband
and she’s like “did I ever tell you about my dad?”
and the prince is like “no what about him?”
and she’s like “Oh nothing big
he just ordered me executed because I compared him to salt.”
and the prince is like “lol what
i mean that IS a really weird thing for you to have said
but EXECUTED?
who put this guy in charge of a country!
Dude, you know what we should do?
We should prank him.”
and the princess is like “way ahead of you.”

See, she’s already invited her dad to come have dinner at the palace
but he doesn’t know who she is, obviously
and before he arrives, the princess
(now a sultana actually)
goes to her cook and she’s like “okay here’s the menu
I want everything to be delicious
EXCEPT
No
salt”
and the cook is like “What the fuck
you might as well ask me to cook without hands”
and the sultana is like “do you usually put severed hands in the food”
and he’s like “that’s not what I meant”
and she’s like “THEN GET TO WORK”

so big daddy sultan shows up to his secret daughter’s palace
and he sits down for dinner
and all this delicious looking food comes out on gold platters and shit
but it all tastes like hot garbage
he can’t finish a damn thing
and this is when the sultana stands up at the other end of the table
and reveals
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
no wait i mean
that he was actually eating his kids the whole time
NO
WAIT
I MEAN
that she was actually his daughter
and that this shitty meal proves how important salt is
and the sultan feels like a real dick for ordering her execution
and they make up sort of
but he probably doesn’t come over for dinner much after that
because the food wasn’t very good
and also because he still fucking tried to have her killed
you don’t just get to say sorry and put that behind you.

Anyway the moral of the story
is seriously fuck people who don’t salt their food
one time I was at a party and I met this asshole
who was like “real cooks don’t use salt”
and I was like “I’ve got a prime unsalted knuckle sandwich right here for you
and when I’m done tenderizing your face
we’ll see how you like salt IN YOUR WOUNDS
PROBABLY ABOUT AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE IT ON YOUR FOOD I WOULD GUESS”
seriously
“real cooks”?
“real cooks” are the reason you can buy 36 pounds of salt in bulk
basically what I’m saying
is fuck that one guy I met at a party that one time
actually he was pretty cool for the most part
I just disagreed with him about this one thing

still though